AVERNUS

lord, i worry that love is violence. the crazy girl side blog. 18+.

[anakatabasis]

from this point forward, please don’t follow if you aren’t a mutual on my main. this doesn’t apply to existing followers.

[anakatabasis]

went to the stanley hotel (which the overlook was based off of) and i will say i was thoroughly unnerved.

[anakatabasis]

sorry but. that is not a good or healthy way to act about a politician. they are not lord the christ they should not be lauded like that

[anakatabasis]

logging back onto main and onto the side blog to share this post i just saw

[anakatabasis]

i think the most standout thing about me irl vs online is like girl i am soooo much more basic irl. i know i am the token basic straight chick on here but offline me is another level. consider this a warning if any of you ever meet me irl.

[anakatabasis]

it's so wild meeting moots irl sksksskjk perspective-changing experience

[chillybuilt]

Please help a Black Lesbian PhD student!

EDIT: Thank you so much to everyone who donated! I was able to pay off half and I'll be talking to the management company about the rest.

If you still want to donate, because god relocating countries and furnishing apartments and starting a PhD is so expensive, I would really appreciate it.

Thank you so much!!

Original Post:

I know some people put their identities and stuff in posts like these so I'm sorry if it comes off cringe but

ca$happ: $RCCRD

v€nmo: RCCRD

fuck, so, I'm moving from the Caribbean to the US to start my PhD and I'm so fortunate to be on assistantship but I don't and won't get a full paycheck until the the third week week of September, the first fortnight of work. But because I'm a new international student I need to be there almost an entire month before that, to set up and attend orientation etc. Things in America are so fucking expensive, especially when my local currency has a conversion rate of 7 to 1 USD. And there's so many hidden costs I feel like crying every day. My family is trying to help me but they really can't.

Right now, while I already paid the security deposit for an apartment, they suddenly want over $1000 USD upfront, like by August 15th.. I've called and I've emailed saying I'm a new student, this must be an error or something but they've said nothing. and this is on top the $800 USD I'll need to ship my things. I'm so frustrated because I was so excited but things keep getting worse like yeah I do want to be the first person in my family to get a PhD and but my family is working their ass off to help me and I won't get any income at all from the school until September.

that partial pay check won't help with anything and already comes too late so I would really appreciate it if anyone at all could help even a little it would be so appreciated.

so sorry for another donation post across your dash. I would appreciate it if you could just reblog this because even that would help.

ca$happ: $RCCRD

v€nmo: RCCRD

[anakatabasis]

i’m definitely like this about romantic relationships aka i Expect Things which is maybe part of the problem re: my singleness but i do think romantic relationships are SUPER different. i have close friends who i have gone six months or a year without speaking to or even texting, not because of any disagreement but we were just so wrapped in our lives. for a romantic relationship of a serious level that would be absolutely inconceivable..... 

[anakatabasis]

idk i kind of got annoyed with the coworker because she was so upset she literally went and dm’d our beloved coworker demanding an explanation about why me and her weren’t invited to watch the trial in person on the other side of the country with him and four or five other members of the time (all of whom were fourth year or higher except him a second year). of course he responded incredibly kindly & was very patient and told her in a very nice way what i had already told myself, which was that she was vastly overestimating the amount of critical thought that went into who was instructed to get plane tickets and its extremely rare to have junior associates travel for trial (and also that he personally had zero involvement in that decision lol). on one hand i’m like i’m glad she got her answer but this was a few days ago when the coworker was under an inhumanly large workload and  i’m like i’m not sure now is the time & place to be like.... demanding explanations from him of all people for things that are so obvious.

[anakatabasis]

idk i think a lot of the time you just need to take a step back and realize when something isn’t personal. i am as bad as anyone when it comes to taking things personally and psyching myself out. and i think taking a step back and realizing this is a skill that you really have to learn as you get older (and which i am still working on). 

[anakatabasis]

this applies to any relationship but also i think it’s important to realize that your relationships with friends and coworkers and colleagues are innately different from, like, your relationships with romantic partners. there’s going to be a mutuality of obligation there regardless but it lessens and it especially lessens as an adult and that’s neither good nor bad but merely a fact of life.

idk i’m thinking about my coworker i guess who takes the smallest thing as a personal slight and again i also am inclined to do this and it’s understandable. but i think there’s value in making a conscious effort to step back. everyone is TREMENDOUSLY busy. the fact that they didn’t reply to your email doesn’t say that much. people have limited time and energy. everyone is wrapped up in their own work & their own life. it probably isn’t a personal slight.

i also see people on here getting upset when they don’t get enough asks or dms. like... this is tumblr? one time a friend of mine on here dm’d me that they were confused because another friend of theirs got upset with them for not being willing to send them messages several times a week and being slow to respond because “that’s not how you maintain a healthy friendship.” assuming good faith on the friend’s friend part like i just wish someone would sit them down and explain to them that that is simply not how it works? 

idk. i think as an adult there is immense value in realizing that patience is critical to maintaining relationships. so is the ability & willingness to continue making an effort but to not expect things from others or take it personally if they are unwilling/unable to commit to that friendship for large swaths of time.

[anakatabasis]

idk i think a lot of the time you just need to take a step back and realize when something isn’t personal. i am as bad as anyone when it comes to taking things personally and psyching myself out. and i think taking a step back and realizing this is a skill that you really have to learn as you get older (and which i am still working on). 

[anakatabasis]

i obviously don’t do this but sometimes i want to tell people that the way they are reacting to shit is not normal and they would be way better off if they acknowledged this and sought help. idk i think it’s a moment of epiphany and relief when you realize that something is mostly you & your brain and not something external. speaking as someone who psychs myself out about things quite a lot.... 

[beguines]

Louise Glück, from "Midnight", Faithful and Virtuous Night

[anakatabasis]

EMAIL WITH A WORK ASSIGNMENT AT 11:45 PM

[beguines]

Sara Eliza Johnson, "The Dream of Water", Bone Map

[litterae-ignotae]

“(…) We are built

to live in each other. This means we are built

to ruin. Each night I dream back another piece

of you—an eye, a ligament—and each day

wake on the water with another hole.”

— Sara Eliza Johnson, from ‘Elegy Surrounded by Water’, Bone Map

[soracities]

I am finding a way to reach where you are. I am thinking of lighting the voice on fire. Of lighting the dark oil of the sea on fire, each drop a note singing daylight up. Listen— I am trying to send you a human sound, which is bones cracking to bend an arrow back, a long whistle across the radiant field of a body you remember because it remembers yours. We are made to live in each other which means we are built to ruin, and so each night I dream back another piece of you—an eye, a ligament—and each day wake on the water with another hole. 

Sara Eliza Johnson, from “Grief”