The day has finally come, I’m going to marry my other half. This was not the dream wedding I wanted, to be honest. This is some kind of a shotgun wedding. Don’t get me wrong, I love my partner and I, too, wanted to get married. But not at this very moment. Not just yet.
This was far from the wedding I wanted. But I had one right---my partner. I knew I disappointed a lot of people, most especially my parents and family.
Before I came out from the bridal car, I was having an anxiety attack. I didn’t want to walk down that aisle for a moment. I wanted to runaway. How I wish there was a runaway car waiting at the side exit of the church.
Everything didn’t feel right. I was not excited. I was anxious. I felt like crying.
Why didn’t I feel like a bride? I wanted to have those bridal emotions, you know? That... bridal look.
I’m happy that I’m marrying the man I love.
Maybe... I’m just a sucker for weddings. Didn’t think I’d marry at this very moment. I was expecting a proper proposal and an intimate wedding. But it all rushed down like a waterfall. Boom! Wedding!
My parents were waiting for me at the middle of the aisle. Mom was looking at me with her red puffy eyes. Dad’s eyes were glistening as I walked near them. Aww, my parents. As I walked, I saw my close friends smiling at me with their phones facing me. God, I wonder if I looked like an idiot at their camera roll.
Then my bridesmaids were all smiles too. My sister, the maid honor, still had that kitten-like expression. She’d look like a dwarf next to my giant friends if she hadn’t worn her heels. Lol!
And then there’s my husband-to-be, not emotional at all. Well, fair enough. He’s not one to breakdown, too.
Fast forward to the exchange of vows, all of it were impromptu. I did not prepare a note. I want it to be spontaneous. Too bad I couldn’t remember it now. Lol.
Anyway, I just wanted all of it to be over and sleep. I want a warm bath and a massage. I didn’t want to proceed to the reception. *sigh* But do I have any choice?
Anyway, at the reception... it felt crowded. It didn’t look like less than a hundred guests.
Turns out... I was right! My guests were not exact as some of my invited relatives could not attend. I was surprised to see A LOT of unfamiliar faces at the reception. I didn’t know most of them.
When it was time for the slideshows of our pictures, I almost hid under out table. I hate seeing my face on big screens! Especially when there are people watching. My God!!
I wasn’t emotional when we exchanged vows back at the church.
What triggered me was my daddy’s message during the program. He was a man who never cried. He never showed sappy emotions. I’d rather see him cranky and serious. But at that very moment, he cried. He didn’t want to give me away. He spent a good 30-minute speech while ugly crying.
And I lost it. Lol jk. I didn’t cry at the wedding nor at the reception. I didn’t let a single tear come out my eyes. I was crying inside. I couldn’t breathe properly after my dad’s message. Everything went blurry. I couldn’t understand what was happening around me. I had to count sheep in my head and relax. If I let out one single tear, I’d totally lose everything. I might have had a nervous breakdown that time. God. Wouldn’t want to ruin my own wedding, would I?
After that, the program proceeded to the traditional games for single ladies and men. It was fun to see our friends make a fool out of themselves. Lol.
When the program was over, it was only the time I could finally think. My grandparents already said goodbyes because they had to go home early. My grandpa was emotional. He was crying when he went to me and gave me a kiss on my forehead. “Just call me if you need anything, okay? I will always be here.” I was not myself. I could only smile and greet anyone. I was tired. I just want to hide.
I spent my free time with my friends at their table. We drank until the venue closes. It was okay. We had fair fun.
And from that moment on, I swore I will have my dream wedding soon.
Anyway, let me share the previous phase before this event.
Two months before the wedding...
I could not keep up with the pace. There were times I wanted to call off the wedding because everything just didn’t seem right. I knew I was not up for this, that I was not ready for any of this. When I lost the baby, I thought everything was gone. That Gain and I would break up, same with the wedding. I didn’t want that to happen. Just because we lost the baby doesn’t mean I have to lose him, too. My parents insisted that we push through with the wedding as planned. Then mom kind of wanted to call it off, too. So, I thought, okay, we won’t push it. I don’t know what happened. It was a whirlwind. I have this feeling that I will lose everything, including him, if I won’t agree with this wedding. Then mom gave it a go. UGH! I swear it was an indecisive phase.
I was anxious for the months left before the wedding. I didn’t know where to start planning! Well, since it was Gain’s parents who paid for the whole expenses, it felt like I did not deserve to have any say for the wedding. I mean, yeah, most of it were still my choices BUT it felt wrong. It’s not our money. My money.
Am I doing the right thing?
I had the same reactions from everyone, especially the oldies. “You’re getting married? Already? At 21?”
Some were disappointed. My whole family, yes.
Some were genuinely supportive and happy, as it was nice to settle down at a young age.
My partner’s a good man and a husband material. I don’t mind spending the rest of my lifetime with him. I have no problem marrying him.
I had a problem with my wedding.
This was not my dream wedding.
I wanted a civil wedding because by that, we could save up for our church wedding. With our own money. Don’t get me wrong, I’m deeply grateful for his parents (now my in-laws) but this is one of a woman’s highlights in life that needs tremendous preparation.
Gain was still at his training in Manila and could not help at the moment. I understood. I can do it anyway.
Speaking of the preparation, let’s talk about that.
INVITATIONS.
That’s what stressed me out the most. The second most stressing one, I mean. I hate it when everything just won’t go my way. I was pressured, okay? Yes, I was at fault, too. I didn’t triple check everything. Well, because the person I contacted with regarding the invitations was not complying. We had to go there just to check it. Turns out, she hadn’t started doing the design yet! My God! She reasoned out that she’s got a lot of customers. Uhm, was it my fault? She shouldn’t have accommodated us if she’s already got a lot on her plate. We could’ve looked for another designer. Ugh! I couldn’t throw a bitch fit because I was with my mom, Gain, and my mom-in-law. I couldn’t opt for the “a-bit-pricey” wedding stuff because, again, all of these did not come from my own “wedding fund”. DO YOU GET ME?
So I had no options left but to do it my own way. I designed my wedding invitations and it was waaaaaaay better! Even my family and friends liked it. I thank my mom for the creative juices. I got it from my mama.
*Mommy designed my wedding gown. Isn’t it amazeballs? She could’ve made the actual wedding gown herself but she stands by such superstitious belief that the bride’s mother must not "tailor” the wedding gown. Is that even real? Pfft.*
Okay, I definitely should’ve opted for RSVP. Anyway, more on to that later. The caterer can accommodate 100 guests. That’s the maximum. But of course, they give an additional for 50 pax. That’s the norm. I only expected less than 100 guests because we only wanted to invite close relatives and friends.... but since his family is friends and related with almost everyone in the town, they gotta invite all of them... I guess? More about that later!
PHOTOSHOOT.
I hate posing for the camera unless I willingly did so. So you know about the usual dramatic concepts for the pre-nup shoots and the likes, right? I didn’t want any of those. I humbly requested not to do that because I’m not comfortable with it. But the photographer and my in-law insisted because it’s part of the package and it would go to waste if we didn’t include pre-nup shoots.
I SWEAR I WAS SO AWKWARD AND CRANKY DURING THE PHOTOSHOOT. I didn’t want any of it. I hated my make-up. I hated how my semi-thick eyebrows turned into oddly-thin ones. I hated the fancy and dramatic running, forced laughter, smiling. Oh, the heat of the sun!
REQUIREMENTS AND SEMINARS.
We had to attend some seminars before we could push through the wedding. Since it’s a church wedding, all couples who plan to wed need this one. A written test about religious topics which I don’t even remember of. Some of it, I still do, like the basics. The staff at the church are (not generalizing but most of them are really like this!) quite... mean? IDK, it’s like their patience are always wearing thin as the days go by. It’s kind of ironic because they work at the church. And they should be the best “people” because they serve the church. They serve God--who Is patient and understanding. ANYWAY, people are people.
What I hate about the lectures is how wives SHOULD submit themselves to their husbands. I hate it how they picture women as servants for men. Husband and wife should submit to each other. Both should be the pillars.
And now, my most stressing phase... occurred three days before my wedding.
Three days before the wedding....
Of all days! My period really’s good at bad timing. I swear! May it be a summer getaway, important events, etc. And now... before my wedding?
I already polished everything that we needed. From the invitations down to the dresses. I had my me-time.
OH before I forgot, I had two bridal showers! One from my high school friends, and one from my college friends.
(Me and my high school barkada. Incomplete, tho!)
(Me with my college buddies. They had to wait for hours for me to come home because I went to watch a movie at the mall HAHAHA I’m sorry! I didn’t know, okay?!)
That’s all I have to share. I think? And now I have to mind my documents because I have to update all of my I.D.s :(
andulkaphoto
turnnoffyourmind
janainaart
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germansingergirl
