🩵 avery cochrane 🩵
if i look back, i am lost
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Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
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@anaurorapolaris
❝ 𝐇𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐮𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐬. 𝐈 𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬. ❞
#ANAURORAPOLARIS : independent , private & selective Adam Sheppard from Rachel Reid's "The shots you take" , crossed over with the game changers universe. tortured by flora (she/they, 21+, cet). affiliated with @anauroraborealis.
a study in: comformity, life as an endless performance, second chances, perfectionism, hurting the ones you love, being so deep in the closet you find narnia
ADAM CHEAT CHEAT (WIP)
RULES ⬇
okay , something is definitely going on. adam doesn't do random detours. riley loves the man - he truly does , but he's known him long enough to know that spontaneous is not one of his skills. HE'S ALWAYS PREPARED FOR EVERY EVENTUALITY ( he plans meticulously ). still , riley's curious so he leans back in his seat , fingers curling around his boyfriend's.
" sure , why not." lips curl upwards just a little. something in his chest seems to tighten , anticipation maybe. HE KNOWS ADAM HAS PLANNED SOMETHING , what though? that part was a mystery.
"you gonna tell me where we're headed?"
He smiles, as Riley's reply relieves at least some of the nervousness sitting in his belly. Yes, of course he has a backup plan, but it'd be sad to go all the preparation go to waste. And he's genuinely just looking forward to being back on the ice with Riley, even if the circumstances have changed drastically.
"Well, I think you can guess soon enough", Adam replies, already pulling into the street leading to Avery River's own little ice rink. After all Riley knows these routes much better than he does.
Just a few minutes later he parks the truck, reaching behind the seat to get the skates he secretly hid there in the morning. along with a bluetooth box. "I thought we could perhaps go for a spin."
@anaurorapolaris liked for a small starter.
it was a surprise , riley being in the crowd as adam goes through his induction into the hockey hall of fame ( maggie had arranged it , secretly flying him in and making lucy and cole promise to not tell adam ). YEAH , IT HAD BEEN NERVE WRACKING. riley avoids the league and it's community as much as humanly possible ( and for good reason ) but this? this had been important. he couldn't miss it , even if adam had assured him time and time again that he didn't need to be there.
when adam is finally off stage , staring at him like he can't possibly be real - riley can only grin. "surprise." & yeah , he's pretty proud of himself right now , but he's more proud of adam. "you were so goddamn amazing up there , you know that? you deserved every moment." & more. WITH EACH NEW DAY , adam was getting braver , finding more confidence in himself. it was everything riley had ever wanted for him.
When his gaze finds Riley's it feels like Adam's heart might leap out of his chest in sheer happiness. Yes, he'd told his boyfriend time and time again that it's ok ( and it would've been ), but seeing him next to Maggie, Lucy and Cole, having all the people he loves the most in the first row for this - it truly makes the moment perfect. Even more so when he gets to see the range of emotions play out on Riley's face as he thanks the love of his life.
When he gets off the stage, Adam knows what he wants to do first to celebrate. So with a huge grin on his face he wraps his arms around Riley and kisses him infront of all the guests. "I can't believe you're really here", he whispers, still holding on to his boyfriend like he could suddenly disappear otherwise.
apparently there’s talks about a possible time to shine movie & I’m over here like BUT THE SH.OTS WE TAKE WHEN??
@anauroraborealis gets the proposal starter <3
They've spent the evening getting dinner and ended up at the brewery afterwards, once again sitting at the table with their framed jerseys. But tonight Adam doesn't mind, it actually feels kind of fitting for what he's planned.
As he gets behind the steering wheel and starts driving, his free hand finds Riley's. "Hey how would you feel about a little detour, before we head back home?"
" i know , i know." he whispers , desperate for adam to know he's not blaming him. sure , a lot of riley's panic comes from the past , specifically that night they'd won the cup , but the constant feeling of anxiety around it was related to something else as well. something neither of them had any control over. "i'm not blaming you and i don't want you to blame yourself. it's why i didn't want to say anything."
( he hates that he has these moments - so scared it was going to be too much. he found these episodes overwhelming himself , what if it was too much for him? ) RILEY CURLS HIS HAND IN ADAM'S SHIRT , burying his face into adam's neck. "don't be sorry , it's not your fault. its mine. i'm trying not to...let my head go back there. i swear."
Another shaky breath, as Adam tries to make himself believe what Riley's telling him. I don't want you to blame yourself. A part of him always will, cursing his own blindness ( or rather - his refusal to see ), but the rest of him knows that there's no use in dwelling on the past, especially when the present needs his attention much more urgently.
"It's not your fault either", he says calmly, "And I don't want you to keep quiet for my sake. I can handle it, I promise." Adam kisses Riley's forehead again and starts trailing slow circles on his back. The soothing gesture is instinct by now, a remnant of how he used to comfort Riley back in their twenties ( or at least he'd tried to ). "Hey, how do you feel about just staying in bed for a bit longer? Or I could make us breakfast?"
Eli swings her legs back and forth before slowly nodding, sipping at her energy drink with a sigh. She understands, she thinks, painfully aware of the fact that she could kiss her career goodbye if she ever came out as a woman. Isn't that just shitty as hell? "Yeah...I get that. The League doesn't make it easy, does it? Even now, it all kinda feels like they only tolerate things to an extent. Like it's all for their image and nothing else. People still say and do heinous shit, yanno?"
Adam nods, sighing quietly. "That's why it's important to me to speak out. Riley and I both want to start conversations and hopefully make things better for all of you still playing." His gaze wanders to where his fiancé is showing a few of the children one of his old signature tricks. "Sometimes I still wish I'd been braver and not waited this long, though." I wish I'd been less of a coward. Even if he swallows this harsher version, the fact remains: Now he doesn't really have anything to lose anymore. The worst punishment the league could inflict would be witholding his induction in the Hockey Hall of Fame and while the unfairness of that after 20 years of giving so much of his life to the sport would eat at Adam, he would get over it.
kind of following up on my last posts: thinking about how much work it takes for Adam to actually learn how to be himself. like yes, he’s started to be honest with himself & his family, but now he’s suddenly more free & alone & has to unravel the parts that were show & the parts that are truly him. he has to ask himself who he actually truly is underneath that (& without hockey in the picture), grapple with his actions of the past. I think especially at first there’s a lot of exhaustion & a lot of breakdowns. And it’s a process that hasn’t really ended yet. Writing the book was a huge help though & so was just being back in Avery River. Because in this town he could always be so much more himself than anywhere else.
when the persona you made eats you; when the performance youve been putting on eats you; when the name they gave you eats you; when the image people made of you eats you; when the role you were assigned eats you; when the you that other people see or even made for you or you made for them takes over the you that you know and eats you alive.
thinking about Adam running away as soon as Riley confesses his feelings. Because deep down he knows he feels the same, he knows this is everything he truly wants. But he's the captain of the team, he's a hockey player & he just can't be gay. He can't be in love with his best friend. Everyone - his family, his teammates, the public - expects him to find the perfect girl, marry her and have children and so he does. And I think for a while he can convince himself he's happy, that he and Maggie are good together & that perhaps he can "get over it". Then the cup win (& the night that follows) happens, reminding him of what he could have, how he'll never actually be over Riley. And so the only solution is to break his heart, push Riley to the breaking point and make him leave. And when he does, there's this great emptiness, this void that can't be filled. Adam knows he's stuck, stuck in his seemingly perfect life, stuck in an endless performance and he knows it isn't fair to anyone. For another decade he pretends, until he can't anymore, until the truth finally spills out of him. But still the void remains and he's left alone in an empty house, asking himself if it was all really worth it, if he really should've sacrificed Riley, the time with his kids, the happiness of the people he loves as well as his own for hockey & an impressive career.
Happiest Season dir. Clea DuVall (2020)
I still maintain my headcanon that at some point not long after Adam comes out to his kids, Lucy innocently talks her dad & brother into watching frozen 2 with her. she thinks it's a good idea right up to the moment when show yourself starts & she looks at her dad & sees him tear up. which is the first time in their 14/15 years of living that Adam's kids see him cry fjskdfhdsjgkds
glancing at his phone - he snorts. even apart , adam had this way of making riley feel like he was right there. after all this time , that's exactly what he needs.
( to : addy <3 ) i think the word you're looking for is 'interesting' , actually. ( to : addy <3 ) we should watch it when you get back ( to : addy <3 ) how are things going out there? you get to see lucy and cole much?
[ TO : Riles <3 ] YESSS absolutely!! admittedly you could suggest any movie rn and I'd be happy as long as I'm finally back on your couch and in your arms :)
Adam looks at the message after he's sent it, quietly laughing at himself.
[ TO : Riles <3 ] oh my god that really sounds like it's been 84 years and not 2 weeks doesn't it?
[TO : Riles <3 ] and it's going great! on the way to Montreal now and I feel less and less embarrassed about being in a room full of people who know far too much about me! I did spent as much time as possible with Luce and Cole while I was back in Toronto. I think by the end they were almost glad I was leaving after I insisted on taking them out to dinner every other day
ohhh this is so Adam core :))))
"Why did you stop playing?" Eli asks, tilting her head curiously. "Sorry, is that too personal? I'm just curious."
"No no, it's ok", Adam reassures. A few years ago it might've been a more difficult topic, but by now there's no reason to hold back anymore. "Honestly? There were multiple. The shoulder injuries were the obvious and official one, but I also wanted to finally spend more time with my kids. And in the end I was just ... tired of pretending and tired of the league sweeping issues under the rug, y'know?"
The Second Sex, Simone de Beauvoir // Brokeback Mountain (2005) // Moon Song, Phoebe Bridgers // The Second Sex, Simone de Beauvoir // A Lover's Discourse, Roland Barthes // A Ghost Story (2017) // The Second Sex, Simone de Beauvoir // Candy (2006) // Letters to Vera, Vladimir Nabokov.
@anauroraborealis
willing and able but it’s Adam about his parents & his brother, who cut him out without a second thought as soon as he came out to them, who didn’t care that he’d become what they wanted - a nhl all-star, a husband & father, at the cost of losing his true self & giving up the love of his life for 20 freakin years :)))))
