Ana vs. Machismo

Practicing what you preach, seems like an easy task. So here I find myself recording how I call out machismo in my own home. ICD Outreach project

[anavsthepatriarchy]

Intersectionality

November 28, 2017

So far I’ve spoken on how Machismo has affected me personally, and how it oppresses muxeres. I want to step back and acknowledge another subgroup of our marginalized community; LGBTQ+ folk. Machismo, has definitely played a role in excluding, harassing, and discrediting the LGBTQ+ community. It’s toxic masculinity that enforces, twisted views on gender roles, and heteronormative culture.  When you are close minded, and have the delusion that there are two set genders, and two set roles they must play, you are enforcing the patriarchy. This is extremely dangerous, because it creates an unsafe environment for a non-binary, trans lives, queer lives, and other identifying lives. It is toxic masculinity that carries out the death of trans lives, creates policies to make LBTQ+ lives unequal, and makes our community scared to be who we are. It can be carried out by our families, friends, coworkers, and even internalized. When we internalize toxic masculinity, there is a horrible conflict within us. One where we carry out an unhealthy relationship with ourselves, our validity,a dn our place in the community. It’s very important that we are aware of our intersecting identities, and how they overlap with different communities, whether though our shared privileges or our shared oppressions. If we are going to identify as an ally, we have to be aware on how to be a good ally. This means when to step in, when to step out, how much space we take, and making sure we stay updated, and actively involved.

-AM

[anavsthepatriarchy]

Queria Mamá,

November 25, 2017

In my previous post I’ve been addressing those who benefit from the patriarchy, yet I feel like it’s necessary to address those who don’t benefit from the patriarchy, but continue to perpetuate it, either consciously or unconsciously. I’d like to reiterate that I speak from first hand experience. Having to face this every single day, I’ve picked up on how it’s been internalized by the muxeres in my family. I’ve also had conversations with other members of the community, and sharing how we experienced the internalized machismo.

1. Mothers need to stop teaching their daughters to clean the house because a ‘good’ womxn needs to know how to wash the dishes. Teach all of your children how to keep a clean household because nobody likes to live in a dump. Why does this have to be a gender associated trait? First of all, gender is a social construct.

2. Coddling your son until he is 32 years old, as if he was a 2 year old, at the expense of a daughters labor? That has to stop. Of course you can show affection to your children, but when you make your son his plate, wash his clothes, clean up after him, while in the same breath you tell your daughter, she can do all of the above herself; you’re only hurting everybody in this situation.

3. Querida Mama, when you teach your daughters to be sexually reserved, or maintain their purity, for the sake of their future ‘husband’ (heteronormative culture is odd). You are implying that our body does not belong to us, but rather the person we marry. Yet, at the same time, you encourage your son to date, and gain experience to be a ‘good’ husband.

By reinforcing the above, we take part in maintaining the patriarchy, and internalize machismo in our families. I know my mother was brought up this way, and has never been taught different. I can see  how my sisters have separated from her way of thinking, and have influenced me to challenge some of my cultural ideals. I also see how my brothers have thrived in this system, and live by it. Only now, when they tell us to serve them, to be quiet, or to learn to be a ‘good’ womxn, we fight back. Sure, it causes tension, but day by day, I see their guard resolve, and understand that we deserve to be equal to them.

-AM

[anavsthepatriarchy]

Why are men such trash

Thank you for your question! I can’t for sure tell you specifically the ‘why’ component, but I can tell you the How. The patriarchy! It allows, and rewards that kind of behavior. 

[anavsthepatriarchy]

Listen to me, Linda.

November 24, 2017

Since I’m working on dismantling the patriarchy; what better place to start than in a Machista household. We had Thanksgiving dinner yesterday and wow, was it tense. It was off to a good start, by avoiding questions about my grades, love life, future etc., just the usual Thanksgiving dinner. Until, the men of the family felt the need to open their mouths.

There has always been a system in my family, where the womxn serve the men; we are to be docile, and submissive in their presence. My mother is a single mother who migrated to the US from a secluded village in Mexico. With her, she brought our values, morals, traditions, culture, and of course internalized machismo. As the youngest, inherently I have been granted the least amount of authority, or voice in opinion, due to agism. In addition to being the youngest, I am a womxn. Picture a transparent paper, now imagine that piece of see through paper floating on water. You can’t, it becomes invisible the moment it hits the water. (not promoting littering, keep your local water source contamination free!)  Anyways, that’s what it feels like when the family discusses politics, social movements, and other important topics.

Imagine the shock on their faces when the youngest muxer sibling called out the men for their misogynistic remarks. The shock then became into an angry lecture.

Growing up my mother taught us to serve the males in family dinners, before the womxn sit down to eat. Being who I am, I’ve always refused and served myself. This Thanksgiving, I was helping my mother pass our servings of rice, just to be helpful. Then my brother in law made a comment about me finally knowing my place as a womxn. In previous years, I have dismissed machista comments from the men in my family, due to agisim. It’s still considered disrespectful to talk back to somebody older. This year, I made sure to let him know I was no longer going to be docile.

For anybody who benefits from male privilege reading this; Womxn are not made for you. We are in no way shape or form, an item that you can label as private property. Speaking from 19 years of experience, Latinx men need to acknowledge Machismo in our communities and do their part in dismantling the patriarchy. To the Latinx womxn, as well. I know, we are taught to internalize these ideals, in order to keep from being shamed by our community as being ‘less’ of a womxn.

Machismo has also been most prevalent in families that have migrated from a Latinx country to the United States. Why? Racialization, Racism, and Power Dynamics. When a Latinx man migrates to a country that makes sure to make them feel inferior in society; They try to reinforce their authority in the household and amplify their ‘masculinity’ in aggressive habits. I understand that it’s not as easy to challenge machista ideals in your own household. Heck, it’s taken me nineteen years to even point out a sexist comment from a family member. I can acknowledge that it can be a very dangerous task for some as well. It’s not fair. That your own life can be at risk if you decide to use your voice to speak up. This is where allyship comes into play. Allies out there, must support, provide buffers, acknowledge, and help stand up to these kind of injustice.

-AM

[anavsthepatriarchy]

The Do’s & The Don’t

November 23, 2017

For the soul purpose of reinforcing what Healthy Masculinity is, I will describe what it should look like.

1. Healthy masculinity IS asking for sober consensual agreement for any kind of sexual interaction with your significant other. Keep in mind that you should differentiate coercion and mutual agreement. If you keep pushing and using language such as the examples provided below. You are manipulating your significant other, and that is toxic.

a. “You’ve been making me wait for too long”

b. “But I’ve been so good to you”

c. “I respect your body, but I need to be satisfied”

d. “ Prove to me that you care/like/love me by doing this” etc.

2. Healthy masculinity, is being a sincere ally in Womxns actions. This means not taking up as much space, physically, or verbally. Man-spreading? We all know, you don’t need all of that leg room. Speaking over womxn in situations where we share our personal experience with toxic masculinity, in order to put your ‘not all men’ defense? cut that out too.

3. Healthy masculinity, is not using the word ‘Bitch’ if you benefit from the patriarchy. We have reclaimed that word, and still in the process of doing so. Too many times, has this word gushed from mens lips in order to hurt us.

4. Healthy Masculinity is allowing all lives that identify as womxn, to make decisions regarding their bodies without your input. Our bodies, call for our decisions on what to wear, who to share it with, medication, alteration, ect.

5. Healthy masculinity is respecting trans-womxn lives, and using your privilege to speak up and take action when their community is attacked. If you feel ‘uncomfortable’, please get over it. Trans-lives need to be acknowledged and respected; your discomfort is NOT more important than their lives.

6. Healthy masculinity is being an active ally when a womxn is being harassed, specially when the men close to you are promoting rape culture. Check yourself, and your homies when they cat-call, harass, assault or simply bother a womxn. Your passiveness in these situations is very telling on your allyship. If this means you have to go against your ‘friend’, then you shouldn’t even be friends with a person who would disrespect a womxn. Abusers are friends with abusers, just saying.

7. Healthy Masculinity is allowing yourself, and other identified men to be emotional without associating it as a ‘feminine trait’, crying is humane. Unless you’re a robot, or a sociopath, cry with your boys when you feel down. Normalize sharing emotions other than being stoic. Stop shaming men who already do this, and take notes. 

8. Healthy masculinity is not interpreting the act of showing emotions as ‘strong’ or a remarkable act. Men shouldn’t be glorified for something womxn have been shammed, and made fun of, our whole lives. Just cry and take it as just that; the act of crying and feeling.

9. On that note, stop shaming other men who don’t fit a warped interpretation of masculinity. Support one another when vulnerability is shared. If your homie shares a case of assault, support them. Stop the stigma that boys should feel like men if they’re raped; its TOXIC and can lead to transferring traumas.

10. Healthy Masculinity is acknowledging all womxn who report an assault and believing them, NOT just when it comes to the womxn in your life (mom, sister, daughter, aunt, etc.). This also includes not overshadowing their assault by mentioning a case where the roles are reversed, and a man was assaulted by a womxn. There are times and places for other voices to be heard. We shouldn’t have to validate our traumas. Either you’re an ally for all, or not an ally at all.

11. Healthy Masculinity is not pushing hetero gender roles

12. Healthy Masculinity is acknowledging femicide, and how our womxn of color are murdered by violent partners at alarming rates. Yet nobody is discussing this.

13. Healthy Masculinty is self-care and keeping a good hygiene. Exfoliate! Moisturize! The only person stopping you from getting a manicure to treat your cuticles, is you. This shouldn’t be exclusive to womxn, remember thats perpetuating gender roles. Plus, nobody likes an ashy partner! 

14. Healthy masculinity is not degrading womxn in order to ‘prove’ your masculinity. Find healthier ways that make you feel ‘masculine’ what ever that means, it’s all a social construct, so lets dismantle gender binaries! 

15. Healthy masculinity is being an intersectional feminist.

For today these are some of the Do’s and Don’ts! If i remember any more, I’ll add them later, or add on to the thread!. 

-AM

[anavsthepatriarchy]

Docile? Never heard of her

November 22, 2017

How was this blog inspired? Simple answer, I’m tired of the patriarchy. I am tired of men proclaiming themselves as activist who are ‘down for the cause’, against white supremacy, advocate for civil/human/environmental rights, preach about equal rights, while simultaneously upholding a misogynistic movement. Toxic masculinity has become a ‘trendy’ topic recently and I’m more than happy to share my experience navigating social justice spaces, as a Latinx muxer (womxn). Of course, I haven’t come up with these conclusions all on my own, and out of thin air. With the help of very knowledgable individuals, I have developed my vocabulary, interpretations, and have made my own opinions. I listen to the Bitter Brown Femmes podcast, which consist of Queen Xicano Chisme also known as Ruben, as well as Cassandra who runs Xicansima. Another powerful  brown muxer, is author, Yesica Salgado. There are many other talented artist who over the years have influenced my ideals, but for know I’ll focus on those who have played the biggest role in my current growth.

I can’t speak for a whole community, but I can share my experiences living in a traditional Mexican household where Machismo and Caballerismo are internalized not only by the men but by the muxeres as well. I would also like to acknowledge how toxic masculinity affects non-binary, LGBTQ+ community. Once again I can’t speak for all communities, but I can share knowledge I have learned through these communities.

I’ve noticed how in activist spaces, women of color are not acknowledged, or given the recognition we deserve for our work. There is an idea than men who have done something for the community, are immediately given a savior complex, along with a pardon if they harm a womxn. Too many times, has a man been forgiven for harassment, abuse, and sexual assault, by those who are in no position to offer forgiveness. A person can not stand for social justice, and not actively be an ally for womxn, specially womxn of color. This also means not using intersectional feminism as a from of coercion. If you benefit from the patriarchy, and you use try to coerce an individual into being with you in compensation for your feminism, or your contributions to the community, you are a horrible human. 

Acknowledging what toxic masculinity is, and how you may perpetuate it, seems to be a very difficult concept to grasp for some. So, in my next blog I’d like to point out what it is, how its carried out, and what are some ways to help dismantle the patriarchy. Some can say I am angry, bitter, too radical minded, and I agree, but I have a right to be angry at a society not built for me to navigate through.

I’d like to also acknowledge that, as a Latinx womxn, it is exhausting having to constantly pick my battles on when to call somebody out, or when to share my knowledge. It’s not my job to teach people, nor do I have to explain myself to others, but I am choosing to do so on this platform. If my beliefs are ever controversial, feel free to message me are share your opinion. I am still growing, I am still learning and developing my identity. I am not all knowing but I’d like to think I know a thing or two, about a thing or two.