Sit Back, Relax, Breath

Just a 32yr old woman, Grieving.

[anchoredheart333]

Lately,

The wound is still fresh, but the pain is slowly fading slightly. I still have my moments of disbelief that my momma is really gone but I know she isn't suffering anymore. I know that I have to still keep going down here on this painful planet, but I promise I am going to do everything I can to become a stronger person and to make her proud. Life has been crazy lately and I think me returning to work has helped keep my mind preoccupied with priorities and what not that I hardly have time to slow down and sulk. Which honestly, I feel has helped me. Now do not get me wrong I miss momma and think about her all the time, but therapy has kindly taught me to turn those memories into good things and not to dwell on all the what if's and what could have been's. I found myself consumed with all the negative and all the things I should have done for my mom that I got myself into a very dark place and it was painful and hard to crawl out of. But I knew I had to when I got my results from my doctor that showed it had even taken a toll on my body as well. I still have a long way to get to somewhere of familiarity, but I will not give up. I hope that anyone out there struggling with the loss of a loved one knows they are not alone, and they have so many resources out there that can help. Much love to you all and God bless.

-just a woman grieving her momma...

[anchoredheart333]

today is better..

Today is a better day I finally had a good night's sleep well somewhat but nonetheless I feel more rested today and my mind is more at ease. I have been up and cleaning and organizing and what not even had music playing which is a big change up considering I have been rage cleaning with complete silence so yes definitely see some progress and I am grateful because the other day things were looking pretty dark. Grieving is different for everyone, and my journey has been brutal to say the least. Someone told me the other day that I need to let my mom rest, and I had mixed emotions about it because I mean how does my pain determine whether she gets to rest in peace or not I don't see that as being fair you know. I deserve to hurt and feel. I have so many feelings in this some angry and most just very sad and mourning someone who I was just barely getting to fully know, my mother and I had a rough relationship but these past few years we had become best friends I had finally began to get the version of her I always had wanted. I think me changing my ways played a big part in that...I wasn't always the best daughter, I had faults, and I mean I had a lot. I think at the end of the day all she wanted was the best for my sister and I and me being at this big age that I am now I see that. Truth is I am eternally broken without my mom, but I know the world is going to keep on spinning and I know that I need to continue on as hard as it is I know I need to, so I am glad today is somewhat a better day thank goodness. I will continue to take the necessary steps towards healing so with that being said have a good day and if you are in the same pain or something similar always remember you are not alone and there are people that love you. This helps me through my dark times...to think about that and I hope that can help you too.

This is just an online outpour from yours truly. Keep negativity to yourself please this is a healing circle. God bless.

[anchoredheart333]

Zombie much?

Lately I have been dealing with a new challenge and that's being able to get a good night's sleep. I will fall asleep fast but then I find myself waking up out of my sleep crying and sweating then I feel like there is a person on my side of the bed just staring at me and this prevents me from being able to fall back asleep. I have been dealing with this, and it is beginning to take a toll on me mentally even more so that I am grieving and now this so you can imagine how sporadic my emotions have become and how little focus I have in me to do anything. I also feel very irritable, and it sucks. I just want peace in my heart, and I feel like it is so far out of reach and that it just keeps getting farther and farther away from me. I am losing sight of a calmer ocean, and it is beginning to terrify me if I am being completely honest.

[anchoredheart333]

Just an open vent...

How does the darkest time in your life define you. Is it the fight that you fight every day just to get up out of bed or is it the fight that you fight every day to restrain from picking up a drug of choice that you once had an addiction of. Every day this pain is louder and louder and all I want to do is quiet it down and it feels impossible. I went so far as getting therapy and I mean that has helped in some ways, but it still does not take away what I am really feeling deep down inside. Being on this side has changed my entire being and I couldn't be anymore truthful when I say this is terrifying. I haven't really looked at myself in the mirror I know that I do not look the way I did before this pain is ugly inside and out. I has such a grasp on me, and you know what it makes perfect sense I mean I lost my mother, and it has only been a few months. I sat down to eat with my boyfriend the other day I cooked up some good food I knew he was hungry, and I can't fail him, so I got up with the little strength and got it done. We sat and prayed over our food and ate and talked and one statement and I was a ball of tears, I was upset with myself. My boyfriend said, "it's already going to be April...." and that sent me into a whirlpool of painful emotions and thoughts and flashbacks came rushing back. I carry so much guilt of all the what ifs and why nots and I should haves that this loss is killing my spirit. It is hard enough that a piece of me died with my mom when she left this earth. I will never be the same is this also a reason that is a moment of refinement. I can't believe it has been this long that I haven't heard my mom's voice or seen her come up on my phone I just want to believe that she is on a trip or something almost like my brain doesn't want to believe that she is gone. Can I wake up from this nightmare already. I understand this is a social media platform but use this so I can vent on here because I feel it is a healthy release. I don't know who will see this or what will happen, but this is my way of healing. I hope anyone who is going through similar pain or is just in a hard place right now I hope you know you are not alone.

[anchoredheart333]

Driving in my truck feels different,

The rides are long and silent, and all the outside sounds are deafening. I drive now looking for signs from you momma. Please give me as many that God will allow you to send. I miss you deeply.

Sincerely your oldest daughter.

[anchoredheart333]

Just a look into the dark glass.

Before the passing of my mother, I was getting to where I had been wanting to be, as far as the kind of person I was fighting to become I was finally picking up the last little bits and I couldn't have gotten there without all the conversations I had with my mom. She was my best friend along with being my momma. She was the only human on this earth who never once judged me. If I cried, she cried with me, if I laughed, she laughed with me, if I was mad, she was mad with me, if I was sad, she was right there with me. Such a strong magnitude of strength she gave me, and I never realized it until now. When she left this world, I feel like someone got a rock and threw it at me and now I am in a million pieces all over again. I fear this road ahead because the one person I had in more corner is forever gone. How do I do this, it feels impossible I feel like I am in such a dark place mentally physically and emotionally and I am fighting with everything to get right. I know all this takes time, but I just feel so broken and empty. Giving the word numb less than a meaning with how this feels. I feel nothing and everything all at once. How does one pull out of the dark abyss of feeling like this is just impossible to come out of. A part of me wishes I had girlfriends to vent to or even just a best friend to talk to and who knows why I don't have one. In the moments of despair where I feel like I just want to sleep the day away I fight it most days. But some days I feel like I have a 100-pound weight tied to me and once I get moving, I am just too tired to do anything. I just want to hear her voice and the day she visits me in my dreams will be the best day I've had since her passing.

[anchoredheart333]

<\3<\3<\3<\3<\3<\3<\3<\3<\3<\3<\3<\3

[anchoredheart333]

no one talks about....

How easily you could be having a great day, and I say this lightly because this wound is still very much fresh and to have a great day seems selfish and I begin to feel guilty....but any ways no one talks about how easy one of these days can do a full 180 in the matter seconds all it takes is one trigger and you're back in the pits of hell aka your deepest despair and agony of the passing of your mother and all the emotional, physical and mental torture. It's almost like the initial feeling just gets to come back whenever it wants, and you have to find a way to sway yourself back into a positive rhythm...This grief is unfair and unkind to the soul, and it can definitely wear down a person to their lowest point almost to breaking. I guess our jobs as humans after losing someone so dear to us is to FEEL....most importantly we need to FEEL and give ourselves grace this is an unfortunate process we have to endure and some will endure it for a short period of time while others it can take years up to a lifetime of indescribable waves of anger, sadness, numbness and so much more than that. Wish there was a cure for such pain but the only cure is to have our lost one back in the flesh with us but think about it...is that even fair in some cases, it is almost cruel in some sense because we know the person we lost was in pain here in the flesh and to have them back would be switching the pain from ourselves back to them and that still results in such a sad ending. So, with that we have to ask ourselves that ultimate question can we continue to live for them. When we know deep down in our hearts to go on feels impossible, but our lost loved one would want us to continue and prosper as best we can.... that is of course along with all the people here that love us dearly.

-sincerely a mourning soul.

[anchoredheart333]

"I love you more honey..."

-MOMMA

[anchoredheart333]

Today the Tidal waves were horrendous...

Tidal waves are the only thing I can think to compare this pain of losing my mother and the feelings that come with the loss and the grieving process. I live life now in an ocean of emotion and the waves consume me and I only come up for air for moments at a time almost as if those moments are moments of silenced thoughts and just like that they are back just as strong as before. I am fighting to get air, and I feel weighted, but I know that I have to continue to fight because air is essential to life as healing is essential to the mind.

[anchoredheart333]

Taking a month off work and this time I’ll use to pick up most of the pieces and get back to somewhat close to being myself again.

[coquettemeth]

girl rotting

[anchoredheart333]

This has been me for as long as I can remember.

[anchoredheart333]

I sit in silence not even realizing hours have past,

The laughter and memories still fresh as day.

But the what’s if, should haves, and why didn’t I’s are vast,

I feel like the little girl crying for her mom to come back,

Although again I am a grown woman, this emptiness is loud,

All the voices in the world and to know I’ll never hear yours again brings me down,

Knees to the ground….

Wailing, crying, screaming, dying…my life will be broken till I expire.

-anchoredheart333

[anchoredheart333]

I was a grown woman who needed her mom and who relied on her for all the answers.

Momma always knew how to talk me down, or to just de-stress a stressful day with her jokes or humor.

I find myself lost, wondering aimlessly since she passed.

I beg God everyday for strength and healing through prayers.

These drives to and from work are silent and my mind goes to all the memories and flashbacks,

They used to be filled with my mom’s voice and our conversations about random stuff….

I’ll never see “mom calling” come up on my phone again and that pains me beyond measure.

[anchoredheart333]

Hi there, here goes nothing….I am a grown woman (32) grieving her momma who passed January 29th, 2025. This wound is still fresh and bares more pain than I could have ever prepared myself for. I never realized just how much my mother became my best friend the last few years of her life. To lose her the way we did, so abruptly was both traumatic and heartbreaking. I have never felt grief to this magnitude but I know strength and healing is what I seek. Follow along with me as I take the necessary steps towards a future where I will never be fully healed but I’ll have the strength to ride the waves of this loss and endure the pain but enough to continue the life my mom would want me to have.

🤍 for those of you that have lost your mom or even a parent or someone close to you please know you are not alone.