ancient mystics @ancient-mystical-features - Tumblr Blog

e-journal finale trilogy

April 28, 2022

THREE-PART FINALE (Part 1: Pictorial)

I give you permission to kill me in my sleep. I may now peacefully die for I have achieved everything I want in life. I GOT TO MEET MA'AM SHENG AAAAAAAAHHHHFKWKDJWJDJSJ THIS DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE WRITTEN IN SENTENCE CASE SO WE'LL HAVE TO GO WITH ALL-CAPS. MA'AM SHENG HAD BEEN ONE OF MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE TEACHERS AND THE ONE I WANTED TO MEET MOST. WE HAD CASUAL CONVERSATIONS ON MESSENGER BEFORE AND SHE'S JUST THE BEST AND SHE ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL SO VALIDATED AND SPECIAL. MEETING HER WAS WAY BETTER THAN ANY EXPECTATION I HAD. IT WASN'T BLISS, IT WAS MESSY, YET IT WAS SO SO PERFECT. WE WERE JUMPING AND SCREECHING AND SHAKING AND ALL OVER THE PLACE WHEN WE SAW EACH OTHER. WE WERE BOTH SO AWKWARD BUT SHE WAS SO ADORABLE AND SHE TOLD ME LATER THIS NIGHT I WAS TOO. IT WAS JUST THE BEST INTERACTION AND I JUST HAD A BLAST BEING WITH SOMEONE SO AMAZING AND SOMEONE I LOOK UP TO SO SO MUCH. And someone I'd consider a friend. :DDDDDD

🌘

April 29, 2022

THREE-PART FINALE (Part 2: Social Media) T

he more the algorithm and indirect societal pressures affect me and urge me to post semi-fancy family dinners or snacks with friends on cute cafes (since that's what I see a lot on my feed) the less I want to share mine.

For so long, and even sometimes when it hits me in the present time, I feel so left out and an overwhelming sense of FOMO whenever I'd see these and sometimes it invalidates things I treasure that truly matter. Getting out of Facebook was easy, though I wouldn't say I quit since I still log in when I need to find something or someone, otherwise, I rarely scroll to my daily feed since it rarely really entertained me. It hooks me sometimes, and I used to find myself stuck scrolling to the endless depths of my feed but once I had turned off most of my notifications, it was fairly easy. I can't quit Messenger, since most people use that platform to communicate, including friends and school/org-related involvements. I don't mind that, since I at least connect in some sense with people though I wished there was an option to keep the MyDays out of my view. I rarely truly enjoy them (I actually feel worse a lot of the time) yet most days, I find myself tapping in and giving in to the bait of their thumbnails each time I unconsciously have the chance until I view each and every 24-hour-limited post people have.

To softly rebel against this, I try posting less of the cute drinks I occasionally get or where we eat out when we do and more of a somewhat authentic representation of myself. From interesting things I'd find while cleaning, art stuff, to dressing up like a founding father on Act 2 of Hamilton. Oh and cat pictures. Lots and lots of cat pictures.

I struggle a lot, still, and this might just be me catching myself in a good mood to be optimistic about it, but I guess it's worth exploring.

I have also been casually journaling since November on Daylio (WHICH HAS GOT TO BE THE BEST DIGITAL JOURNAL/MOOD-TRACKER OUT THERE) and it has been kind of my own feed of memories without the pressure of making cute captions or choosing to only document the cool parts of my life.

🌘

April 30, 2022

THREE-PART FINALE (Part 3: CLOSURE)

Since this will be my last entry, I have unapologetically removed my mental restraints on keeping it 10 sentences short max. Forgive me, but also I don't really care.

Two days ago, when I spontaneously and casually thought of a three-day countdown to the finale of this E-Journal, I envisioned the very final entry to count. All day, I've been waiting for a moment to write about. And all I had was a semi-nightmare I had during my afternoon nap of the alumni I bought my graduation attire from sending voice messages of her weeping and calling out my name that evolved into threats and ended with "magdalagan ka na" which woke me up because I could closely hear it in my ear (because of realistic audio hallucinations once again). It's 9PM and I'm still thinking. How do I end this right?

I've mentioned in one of my entries that I've been religiously journaling since November of last year. It's not written on paper nor is it done creatively with cute stickers and washi tapes because I would never be able to commit to adding something like that to my daily routine. Instead, I have an app I put my entries in including my mood, activities, and a maximum of three photos. Sometimes the entries are longer and sometimes a word works out fine. Since I've been doing that before I even started with the E-Journal, I thought parting with it would be easy since I still journal in some way every single day anyways. But when I realized a week ago that we'd have the last of our entry soon, I actually felt some sort of connection coming to a close. Of course, I could choose to continue writing in an organized manner with the dates, titles, and my thoughts in sentence form. But that wouldn't provide me closure and a proper ending to something that started like a chore to something that molded its way into my routine. I will never forget my "cnf ejourn" alarm set at 4:01PM every day and my backup 8PM alarm that I occasionally turn on when I can't write at 4. I will never forget my "holiday?" series contemplating whether or not I was required to be writing. I will never forget my "Busy" series which served as an excuse not to continuously think of titles when I don't have the time nor energy. I will never forget keeping some entries vague in case our teacher would be reading it.

Goodbye, E-Journal. You will be missed.

holiday? the official series (holy week edition) - e-journal

April 10, 2022

holiday?

I'm not sure if I have to write today. Is this considered a holiday? I don't wanna write today either but I'm just putting words out just in case.

🪐

April 11, 2022

holiday? the sequel

I still don't know if I have to write today but I'll do it anyways just in case. We were supposed to go off into the wild to look for our options to rent a graduation attire. Walking was difficult for me because of the pain I have in my leg so we decided to postpone it for tomorrow. Instead, I called Cheska for us to work on an activity done by pair. I'm also working on other stuff like the Google Sheets of an informal project I suggested.

🪐

April 12, 2022

holiday? part 3

We went grocery shopping today.

🪐

April 13, 2022

holiday? part 4

Things feel in control mostly though I feel like I'm forgetting to do something.

Earlier, I realized that my head skipped a week. turns out I still have a week before the ALD-pictorial-Progressivote trio.

I think I may have enough time for things. I settled lots of ALD-related stuff today.

🪐

April 14, 2022

holiday? part 5

I haven't done much so far.

🪐

April 15, 2022

holiday? part 6

meh. hormones.

🪐

April 16, 2022

holiday? part 7

We bathed the doggos this morning.

🪐

April 17, 2022

holiday? the last episode

I'm trying to catch up to the rest of the stuff due for tomorrow. The only restful part about this week was that I didn't have to wake up at 7:30ish to catch my first class. Everything was either work or chore. The teachers expected us to have time so we had work to do. The parents expected us to have time so that gives us extra chores. I had plans a week before this which are mostly arty or music-related stuff. Then a day before this week, I realized that I didn't have time for that after all.

✨interesting days✨ the series (e-journal duh)

February 18, 2022

Ever since I had gotten to explore myself and my capabilities a lot more in SHS, I have tried to go above and beyond what I am expected to in academic works if I felt the spark to do so. What other people would downgrade to "pabida", Ateneo promotes as "magis", which is one of my favorite things here. It goes against the culture of shaming people for doing an amazing work for a regular task which promotes that school is only there for you to comply and get over with instead of exploring your capabilities as a person. In this task, however, I just wanted to get it over with even though I disagreed on some points of the material given to us to analyze. The poem (for a task in another subject) went against the topic explicitly introduced to us as "other-regarding". If anything, a few lines were somewhat degrading to others (and screamed a little bit of alpha enerGY OK BYE PLEASE FORGET I SAID THAT). This was similar to what I have done three semesters ago, before I have even shifted to HUMSS, when there was an innocent poem tasked for us to analyze that was a little tiny bit ableist in nature. After finishing the task on this assignment, I jokingly typed "To be completely honest," and took a pause and never stopped writing until I had a paragraph in front of me. Turned in.

✨

February 19, 2022

KAHO SAID YES

I have planned to do a song with a friend I've known online but when I got to film my part, they informed me that they got really busy because their individual thesis started. I got upset but that's ok with me, things like that happen a lot in the online musical theatre community. I've been scrolling through my messages for the second day now looking for potential people I could invite to do the song with me to utilize my video. I scrolled by a person I've admired for a while now because she does musical theatre stuff in her bedroom as if she was on stage, and I saw myself and who I wanna keep on becoming (@kahoinjapan PLEASE CHECK HER OUT ON IG SHE'S LIKE RLY AMAZING). I invited her, hoping for the best, and just this afternoon, she said yes! This was what I was referring to in my "vague" entry. On my first session of filming the first song (the duet), I was feeling hyped though it has been a while since I've done it so I found it a littl difficult to connect with the character. I felt frustrated with myself on the second one as I have shared on my previous entry. BUT KAHO SAID YES OMG YES

✨

February 23, 2022

"Is it Google Keep Trust Issues or Obsessive Behavior? (Or Do I Just Need to Rest?)" Coming to Bookstores Nationwide!

I started my day fueling with adrenaline, struggling to prepare for my mock job interview schedule. That eventually wore off after when I felt a bit of dissatisfaction (though not necessarily disappointment) towards myself after because although I was able to talk (since I keep talking even when my mind is empty to cover up the fact that it is) I felt that the random words pretending to sound intentional did not represent myself enough to hypothetically stand out to the other applicants. Wait no actually I did not start my morning with adrenaline. I started it with a tinge of dread when I had realized that all my Google Keep Notes that I've kept for about three years were gone. I shook it off at first, since there was only half an hour before the interview and there must be a way I could get them back. I got back to it after and fell in a deep rabbit hole of forums, discussions, and concerns that are both recent and some dating back to four years ago. Seems like the issue happens so often that a post was dedicated on the Keep Notes subreddit (yes I went that far) as a reminder to always back up your notes. I've always been a forgetful person so I always write everything down on my phone. Lists of things to accomplish, thoughts while washing the dishes, movies I liked, sabaw thoughts, HUMSS-themed arguments or ideas, details of dreams and nightmares I write down right after I wake up, and pretty much anything that's in my mind that I bother writing. I was able to retrieve most of them through the web version but I was still missing entries from the last two months. Even the thought of losing that much, although it sounds so little, overwhelms me, because of just how much I've changed for that two-month period. I gave up searching for today and curled up and had another one of those meh days when I'll be doing pointless things with my phone just to keep me company.

✨

February 26, 2022

boundaries

I think what people need to know is that introversion isn't about being anti-social, quiet, shy, awkward, and someone on the corner who wouldn't put down their book. As I have mentioned here, two days ago, I had left home to take care of BU requirements. While we were on it, I hung out with friends and then walked by myself in circles in the mall for a while. I like meeting with people every now and I love seeing my friends. But each time I do, I feel all the energy sucked out of me once I get home and I require plenty of rest in order to function once again. I enjoy being with myself for long periods of time. And that's okay. The meetup two days ago was planned last-minute, and prior to that, we had a meetup we've been planning for a while now. Yesterday, I was still not feeling it and going out twice in a three-day period for a long period of time sounds exhausting to me, especially that I haven't refueled yet from the last one. On top of that, I hadn't been feeling well emotionally (though I did feel better eventually as I have mentioned). So I told them about it and we postponed it. I have yet to feel guilt-free from postponing such events especially that we've all been looking forward to it. But I would rather meet them when I'm ready and full of life instead of presenting as a blob of slump that I am right now.

✨

February 28, 2022

irregular

I believe I have the most synchronous sessions on Monday. On Tuesdays I have two, Wednesday with one, and none on Thursdays. I've already taken three of the subjects my other classmates are taking during my first semester as a STEM student. Though, on my first two semesters as a HUMSS shiftee (and one intersession), I also had to fit three (or was it four?) additional subjects in order to keep up with the regular students. I love telling people about why I shifted because it is genuinely the best yet hardest decisions I have ever made. I've already been settled in STEM and was doing well in my classes, since I have already seen it all as an STE in JHS. But the three HUMSS-related subjects gave it all to me. I didn't have that huge adrenaline rush answering practice tests in Pre-Calculus (though honestly I did enjoy some of them) the way I would when I would be waiting for my turn to unmute my microphone to voice out my thoughts. Being in STEM somewhat validated me in something I didn't love, because parents easily love kids who love math and science. So I did, even though now that I look back on it, I was just trying to. Being the indecisive person that I am who usually chooses to play it safe, this is one of my proudest moments and have led to many more.

I started writing this with the plan of going like "I only have five subjects but why am I always so busy?" Though, to be fair, I'm carrying a lot of other responsibilities including a semester-long class project I'm co-heading and ASCO. You're doing great, Meca. You're okay.

✨

March 7, 2022

feeling good? at 9 in the morning? meca who?

Ever since I started doing something about the miserable slump I was becoming, I started feeling better and driven with things I do. I slept fairly early last night, around 11:30PM-ish, which differs drastically from the rest of my nights. I don't expect to be consistent, since I benefit well from things I do on ungodly hours of the transition of the night to day. I just have to balance the benefits to my mental health and the disadvantages to my physical health, which was what I had just told my friend the other night. I woke up with less hesitance (still some left there but that's the best I got and honestly I'm good with that) and got out of bed to sit down in front of my laptop which what I have been struggling lately. I was quite energized on my first class and enthusiastic about it. I like the optimism that is coming back to me and the willingness to do productive things. I like it not for the reasons it may seem but mainly because it feels good and it drives me to do great things outside of my academic and org responsibilities. I don't know how long it will last because of my suspected mental health issues but I might as well take it now that it's here to prepare for an incoming storm without a warning on when it will hit.

✨

April 20, 2022

sleep paralysis

I am still half asleep as I'm writing this so bear with me.

Audio hallucination/unintentional experimentation of if loud sounds are enough to wake me up

It was a pot and a ladle that I tried to get louder. I "woke up" and I had my first visual hallucination in my room (but it looked more like my sister's room). There was a person with a pot in their head and their face was completely covered by it. Their hands had a ladle and a pan each, as if to mimick that they created the sounds. They were standing by the doorway in a weird position and it honestly scared me even though I'd usually do that funny pose myself. I closed my eyes again and did the toe wiggle and weird face expressions to wake me up. I opened my eyes and they were still there. I tried again. Still there bUT THIS TIME THEY WERE MUCH CLOSER that I thought if they were gonna get even closer they might jump on me and I'd experience my first physical hallucination and I truly do not want that. I closed my eyes, did both the toe wiggle and face expression while also trying to open my mouth since my arm is by my face, I tried opening big enough to bite my own arm. That woke me up. For real this time.

the busy series (e-journal, again)

February 5, 2022

Busy Ep. 1

This probably won't be my last time of using that as a title, so I put an Ep. 1 so I can use it as an excuse to resuse the title. I'm not a fan of adding a title to these entries, but oh well. We're pretty busy with filling out the content plans with student's names for our class project. The project proposal is due on Monday. RIP us.

🚀

February 22, 2022

✉️

BU is so much work. Like why do I even bother going through all this process? Why do I even bother applying? I'm not even planning to go? As a lot of my friends say: "For clout lang." 🤡

🚀

March 11, 2022

7 days before my funeral

Due on March 18:

JECS Essay Exam

JECS Spoken Word PC

HMSS116 Poster (DONE)

HMSS116 Reaction Paper

🚀

March 12, 2022

Busy Ep. 2

I surprisingly did well with spontaneously interviewing someone for our project, especially that it had been my first time. It wasn't necessarily a comfortable experience but I mostly felt well. I am currently in another meeting and really busy with a lot.

Do not be deceived with the title. This is not just my second time being busy. I just use the title when I can't think of anything else and too busy to write a bunch.

🚀

March 13, 2022

5000 characters in one sitting

I got to write an entire essay in one sitting on a SUNDAY. I don't do stuff on Sundays intentionally. I dedicate Sundays and after-dinners for myself with no school nor org-related stuff to do unless if it's urgent. Since a lot are due next week on Friday, I figured I'd compromise last night and use that time to do one of the major stuff I needed to do. I uhh wasn't able to do that. But hey don't bite my ear off, I compromised Sunday anyways instead and I was able to finish my draft in one afternoon.

🚀

March 14, 2022

Busy Ep. 3

I can't write a lot right now but I'm working on something good!!

🚀

March 16, 2022

Busy Ep. 4

I finished all four major stuff to be submitted on Friday. Seems like I don't have to bury myself six feet below the ground after all.

🚀

March 25, 2022

Busy Ep. 5

I wrote another letter to myself last night, to be opened two years from now. I'm a little busy today prepping for tomorrow and finishing stuff and also attending a meeting and another after this one.

🚀

April 6, 2022

Busy Ep. 6

I remember typing that title yesterday, but something might have came up that got me distracted and I was unable to continue writing. Yesterday (or, well, the date in this entry) was quite a lot. We had to finish our project proposal and brainstorm on specifics so we could submit the proposal for approval in the morning so it wouldn't be pending until the end of the holy week. I was drained out yesterday but our late night call to brainstorm the rest of the stuff was fun and you could hear us either crying or laughing, we weren't sure. We even got to invite really great speakers (ONE OF THEM WHO I'M A FAN OF AND I CAN'T SPILL DETAILS BUT SINCE I BET THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT NOBODY'S GONNA SEE THIS BUT HE WAS IN AHEB THE MUSICAL WOO). This event is a big one. And I hope we'll be able to keep our sanity by the end of it.

🚀

April 21, 2022

lots on my plate

One more move and I'll be experiencing another major burnout. I still have a PT due tomorrow and ALD and our culminating activity on my plate. I'm gonna take an hour break with an episode of OITNB before I fall apart.

🚀

April 23, 2022

work

We went to the vet this afternoon so work starts a little later than usual. I knew ALD was gonna be heavy but you never really realize just how heavy it is until a few days before the event when you're all in shambles.

🚀

April 24, 2022

prep

I am currently preparing the stuff to be donated for our Community Engagement Outreach.

🚀

April 26, 2022

Busy Ep. 7

It's been a while since I've watched OITNB. I don't even have a minute these days. It's reasonable though, and I kind of expected that. I just didn't expect myself to be mentally all over the place and not as organized as I was in my first project.

the mess of a series (e-journal season 4)

February 17, 2022

vague

I guess I'm kind of upset that after so many months of not doing this and going back, I end up feeling unsatisfied and a bit frustrated with how things turned out. When I finally had the time and everything to get back on track on this (non-academic/non-org related) thing I love, I had to face the same frustrations I had then. Maybe because I couldn't connect well with the material, or that I was very new to it. I'll just regain back so much energy that got drained out of me and hopefully tomorrow I'll have the courage to try again.

🌌

February 20, 2022

My legs are wrecked and I am in so much pain.

My sister and brother in law will be going back to Manila next week after staying in Bicol for almost two years now (they were working/living in Manila a couple years prior to the pandemic and visits every now and then if it wasn't us who would visit them). My other sister suggested that we could have a little get together before they go. We went to Daet, where my other brother-in-law (different from the one mentioned before; I have three older sisters), and went swimming to a local beach, because they lived only a short walk away from it. It wasn't a resort or anything so we were pretty much the only ones there. We went back and forth to the beach and their pool and we had lots of fun. As we were coming back home, it got colder and colder in the van and I had to curl up my body and legs to fit on the hoodie-blanket I was wearing. I fell asleep and when they woke me up for dinner at a bulaluhan (wonderful bulalo btw), I had so much pain that I could barely even walk. I have joint or leg issues that I can't explain and isn't diagnosed because my family doesn't take it seriously but it comes back every few weeks and sometimes it gets so bad that walking would be difficult. I've been so used with pain on my legs but this was so much worse and walking was close to impossible (but I still chose to walk so I didn't have to bother anyone). I was ok as long as I was at a specific position that wasn't standing or walking. I have a 7:30AM class tomorrow and a mock job interview as a semi-major subject requirement at 9.

🌌

February 21, 2022

🕳️

I woke up with no feelings in my legs. My vision goes blurry. They had to call the ambulance and rush me to the hospital. char I actually woke up with my body and legs feeling much better. It went back with a less severe intensity this afternoon though. I got quite busy today with meetings after meetings and that's probably what it's gonna be like for the entire week. We're managing well with our Culminating Activity and things are going well. During our meeting for ASCO, I realized how quickly things are going. It's almost March. And to quote Veronica Sawyer from the Off-Broadway Heathers Musical: "College will be paradise if I'm not dead by June!"

🌌

March 10, 2022

fever dream

I dreamed that I was dead. That wasn't the dreadful part. I had to watch my family and I could not interact nor talk to them, nor did they even know I was with them. I do not fear my own death anymore, though the thought of death of people close to me is unimaginable. I fear for the pain I'll forever feel because of the loss that comes with death. I guess these occasional dreams remind me to keep them close every time I forget. And it has been a very long time and I seem to have forgotten.

🌌

March 18, 2022

Last night I couldn't tell if I was dying or if I had wanted to die.

I've had one of the worst nights last night. I don't wanna go into detail but I've never puked as much as I did. I felt extremely car sick and I wasn't even in a car. I tried sleeping at around 10PM, and to say I struggled would be an understatement. I closed my eyes and it felt like forever. I just wanted to sleep it all away. During this attempt, my body felt extremely warm (internally) and the fan was in front of me. I wanted to direct the fan on a different direction but I didn't wanna open my eyes and get up in case I was getting closer to being asleep and finally not feeling anything. I woke up multiple times that night with so much discomfort.

Right now things aren't as bad but I'm stuck in the nausea-fever-sleep cycle. I've been sleeping all day to get away from it though I fear that tonight with how much I've slept in the day, I'll have a hard time again.

🌌

March 19, 2022

binat

I was feeling much better today so I started to get back on track by working on the video for our Culminating Activity as a speaker. I prepared the outline and felt as if I was going back to my feverish state so after lunch, I had a nap until around 3PM and a paracetamol just in case. I was able to film everything and it was exhausting having to talk for a little more than an hour for a 15-20 minute talk which I am currently editing. I was talking about something I was very passionate about though, so it made some things easier. It was very exhausting still, nonetheless.

🌌

March 22, 2022

Since Saturday, seems like I've been editing for six hours total. I'm also running out of storage lmao. It's turning out well though.

🌌

March 23, 2022

cleaning

releasing some endorphins

Those six hours of editing and an hour of filming may have been for nothing. I might or might not write more about this tonight.

🌌

March 24, 2022

compromise

Instead of having to reshoot the entire 20-minute from scratch (yes the one I spent an hour filming and six more hours editing almost for nothing because I was wearing an off-shouldered top and because a portion of my shoulders are so provocative and so distracting and definitely matters more than the content and work I put into it that they won't be able to use the video), we came up with a bit of a compromise. We'll be adding more clips, not mine, and that I only had to reshoot a portion of the video. So we compromised the quality and authenticity of the video because of the dress code (and what I was wearing wasn't even in the dress code tarpaulin I'd see on-campus and on the handbook). Maybe I'll just post the video in another platform instead of this one. Yesterday, I released some endorphins. Today, I reshot a bit of the video.

🌌

March 26, 2022

Tonight was hell.

🌌

March 27, 2022

still hell

I can't imagine myself living with that with myself and needing to go back to class since my excuse is probably not valid enough.

🌌

March 28, 2022

3AM

I'm very forgetful so I use writing as a tool to remember. I use writing to look back. But would I want to remember this? Would I want to look back on it? Or would it be best forgotten?

🌌

March 29, 2022

meh

I'm okay I guess

the meh series

February 4, 2022

Milkis

The plate has been drying up for about an hour now. I need to do the dishes. I need to start with the project proposal. Yet here I am mindlessly scrolling. I'm trying to be patient with people. We've given so much yet they give less than the minimum. This entry is a mess.

🌙

February 7, 2022

7:30

I woke up at 6, then slept every ten minutes until 7:15 as my series of alarms go off.

🌙

February 10, 2022

(parentheses)

I haven't been taking care of myself lately. I've always been sleeping really late, rarely eating breakfast, and having late lunches. I'm doing well emotionally though. It's just that, a lot has been going on academically (I've been monitoring each student's progress from my class and handling a huge chunk of responsibility with Gwyn as project heads for our culminating activity) and on orgs as well as my personal projects (I finished that on tonight though, turns out editing said ridiculous videos was gonna take way more than a couple hours which I had not expected, but it turned out really well). None are internal or personal issues, though, and I'm glad. Emotional stability keeps me going (for now). I've just been really busy. And it's only the fourth- (or is it the third?) week of class so it only gets worse from here.

The best part about this, though is I take ridiculously long breaks in the early afternoon to recharge. I take around an hour max of lunch time, enjoying my meal in front of a device while watching something. I wanna start watching The Woman in the House from the... whatever the long title was. PLDT is currently down so this will surely take a huge chunk of my mobile data.

🌙

February 12, 2022

*sigh*

I'm taking a break today.

🌙

February 13, 2022

day two

I'm doing well. I'm taking another break like I usually do on Sundays.

🌙

February 14, 2022

meh

I didn't do much today, nor did I feel like doing much. I could be feeling burnt out or lazy, I can't tell which. But since I still have a few hours before afternoon ends, I'll try doing something.

🌙

February 25, 2022

feeling better

I was a mess and all over the place and emotional and I tried writing and had to redo it countless number of times so I decided to clean my room instead. I'm feeling better now. I've been putting off cleaning my room for weeks now. But I've finally cleaned it and I feel better. This entry is a mess ep. 2.

🌙

March 1, 2022

meh

Another day of that. I get lots. I have initially written something for this but I am hesitant on sharing it.

🌙

March 3, 2022

attention span

Lately, I have been wasting my days in ways I do not want. There are ways to waste my time wisely, but I have not been doing well with those. I'm getting addicted to watching my Facebook friend's mydays even though I honestly don't care about most of the stuff in it, since it's mostly content I don't relate to. I've also been spending so much time on YouTube shorts on videos I don't even like. I've always told people that I never create an account on TikTok so I won't get addicted, which is true, but right now YouTube shorts is doing the same effect. For some reason it's just so easy to fall to the trap of these social media platforms and waste a good portion of my day in it. I always feel miserable after a good amount of time so even *I* am left to wonder why I stay anyways. Where's the Meca who immediately does a task once it's assigned to them? Where's the person who does some of the tasks at least a week in advance fueled with self-gratification of doing stuff and feeling good while doing it? Where's the person whose creative juices overflow out of the cup or the one who can juggle a million stuff at once? She's not gone, she's just not here yet.

🌙

March 8, 2022

Remember the entry from yesterday? It didn't last for days. It lasted for three hours. t h r e e. After that, I was swallowed into an overwhelming state of anxiety that came out of nowhere. I couldn't sit still nor could I do anything. My friend pointed out that I might have been burnt out, which was something I hadn't considered. That night, I booked a counseling session with our guidance counselor so I could get help and to put me out of this pattern. Turns out I was being too hard on myself. I'm currently writing a letter to myself for the future, but I guess also an apology letter to my past.

🌙

March 9, 2022

sick

Yesterday I had some rest to cope with a burn out. Today a probably-fever was poofed on me by The Fates. I wasn't able to do anything today either. And my To-Do list is stacking up.

🌙

March 15, 2022

Today was meh. I'll try doing something later.

🌙

April 3, 2022

rest

Today was nice.

🌙

April 4, 2022

today was not nice.

I'm slacking. And I'm feeling very meh today which I feel a few times every month. I generally just lose all my energy and everything and just become pessimistic and sensitive and I don't wanna do anything but not doing anything makes me feel worse while at the same time it comforts me. I don't know man. It'll be over soon. I need to be nicer to myself.

🌙

April 9, 2022

meh

eh. I don't feel like writing.

🌙

good-ish stuff e-journal series

February 15, 2022

SHE'S BACK ON TRACK BAYBEY

got a little distracted from cleaning but I MADE SOMETHING REALLY COOL A few months ago, I made a care stash for my friend with things that could fit in a tiny envelope (stickers, washi tape samples, tiny buttons, you name it). Today, while cleaning, I wanted to redo the envelope so I started by decorating the back and thought about entertaining the idea of experimentation with my wax melts. They're not made for sealing envelopes but it was for the lamp that heats scented wax that my parents bought one time (that they handed to me because my dad couldn't stand the smell). It broke a few years ago but I still had the dish so I put it on top of my tin candle and melted the wax and poured it in with a tiny segment of the dried flowers that my sister was about to throw away the other day. At first I thought it was gonna be a mistake because it flowed like water so a small portion of the envelope got wet which got me worried that it was gonna leak inside. And then it started drying and it looked really pretty. I want one of those wax sets but I'd never buy one because I don't do these enough for me to fully utilize one. Besides, I found a way to do it while utilizing stuff I haven't used in a while.

⭐

March 2, 2022

I made an abomination.

I don't trust myself to cook for others. For myself though? I'll make that exception. At least I don't have to watch people force themselves to eat it, or not eat it at all. I rarely waste food, so as long as it's edible and bearable, whatever abomination I create, I eat.

This is my first time cooking for a meal. I usually cook for snacks with instant pasta and noodles. I don't cook, my Mom and sister usually does that, while I do the dishes or other chores that doesn't risk salmonella.

I saw the fried fish on our table at almost 2PM. I hadn't eaten lunch at this point yet for no reason. I wanted something more so I decided to prepare the fish for the culinary session of its lifetime. Butter. Rice. Bagoong. Vinegar. Knorr Seasoning. Combine together and pretend you know what you're doing. No recipe, no experience beyond instant noodles and cooking rice with the rice cooker. Just the comfort that nobody is watching.

I'll be 18 soon (not that it matters since we all age everyday anyways, and these birthdays are just an indication that you're exactly x years old, you don't actually magically become older, you always do grow older anYWAYS) and something that I don't wanna lose is the way I do spontaneous, random, and unconventional things that people like to question. It may not be of huge significance, but it adds a little something to my day.

⭐

March 17, 2022

last night

Context: For our culminating activity video, we wanted to interview an expert on the field of theatre to get more details on things I will share as a speaker.

I'm full of emotions more than thoughts and ideas. That was one amazing conversation and just like what Kuya Bruce said, I could do this all day. What I expected to be a 20-minute interview with Aiden, Cheska, with Kuya Bruce (a friend of mine) turned into a more than 2-hour conversation just about our love for teatro and how alive it is but we just gotta try harder to show it to the world. We need to find our audience.

I feel a little pressured to give justice to everything he has said but unlike most things that spiral me into being miserable, I feel comfortable and I'm actually glad that we have this shot. It's not our only shot so no pressure for me messing up and not being perfect. This is what I love anyways, and I'll take his advice (and Tick Tick Boom's) to share something *I know*. The goal is to make them want to see the beauty of theatre and want to love it as much as I do.

⭐

March 30, 2022

BAWI!

I am somewhat returning to a state of normalcy. I still get thoughts that bring me back to the situation I was in but keeping my support systems close has helped me overcome these thoughts little by little.

Our recent webinar had also been a good distraction with everything that had gone on with the past few days. I remember a few months ago when I rushed to my room in the middle of a dish-washing session to share my idea on creating a women's month event for all women. It almost brought me to tears seeing Ate Hez's post about our event and realizing that this time, I wasn't just watching from my seat, hoping for them to do something like this. This time, I am part of the people who get to organize these kinds of events to hopefully cater more inclusive themes. Seeing the queer visibility in our webinar and the comments (especially from the person who said that they were a genderfluid pan who was glad to see themselves in this event omg you'll never see this but hi) woke me up to realize what we were doing this for even though a lot of the times, I forget, with the amount of workload that goes on to implement these projects. I was reminded that what we do can potentially make a difference, hopefully for the better.

⭐

April 2, 2022

Pandok Pirak

Walking into the theater house already got me hyped but nothing could have ever prepared me from what I had felt watching real people perform something live while we're in the same room. When we were able to settle in our seats, Cheska approached a friend she knew on the seats in front of us. She then turned to me with an unexpected gesture of "Ang ganda mo po, nagstastand out ka sa outfit mo." and everything that had gone on before that didn't matter anymore, since I had been anxiously walking by myself half an hour before that moment, looking at my shoes to avoid glances.

The lights flicker, like how I would usually edit projects I have in video format, but it was live this time. I was no longer looking at the tiny screen on my device, the lights were all around me and my eyes were glued to the stage and I didn't even dare to blink. Their light design was beyond amazing and there was a specific song number that I loved and was surprised by with the three-part harmony and an amazing ensemble with live orchestra. I could feel my eyes getting watery during a joyful musical number. It was surreal, getting to see live theatre, and I hope I'll get to see more in the near future, and maybe even be a part of it sooner or later.

⭐

April 18, 2022

running on *eleven* hours of sleep

I slept at a decent time last night, but my body seems to be getting used to waking up late. I woke up at 7:30, then 7:40, then 7:50, then 8, then slept when I saw Sir Kiko's announcement that there won't be a synchronous class today. I woke up at 11 (at least my sixth time of waking up today, just in time for my next class. Lately, I've been feeling sleepy at times I usually won't be... is this what getting older feels like? Take me back!

Today was more productive than I could have expected. I wasn't working to the max, I just had low expectations for today.

I'm all set for tomorrow. I'll be leaving for some errands and an invitation as a guest for a podcast from my previous school. I'll also be picking up the Barong I bought from an alumni and all the other errands that come from it. I'll be spending time with some friends as well.

⭐

April 19, 2022

cat stockings

I like going ✨extra✨ and ✨magis✨ with what I wear most of the times when I go out to the world. My reasoning used to mainly be to cover up the insecurities I feel with my body and make me feel confident and good about myself and an assurance that strangers will see something I chose to bring to the world, and not the physical qualities I didn't like about myself. I soon became distant from that idea, though it's still very much there, but my priorities started leaning towards self-expression and creativity. Today's outfit: a fun white top I've had since early-jhs, fun black shorts (they're not denim, curse that fabric) from an ukay trip a few years ago, cat stockings that look like knee-high cat-stencil socks if you look far enough since the upper half of the stockings (almost) match my skin tone as it should from shopee, a black fedora hat I found from one of my sibling's old stuff (which sibling, I do not know) that was about to be thrown away, and Doc-Martens-boots-na-hindi-Doc-Martens. Going around places in public transpo has been difficult since it's been two years since I have been a regular commuter. And even then, I have rarely explored the depths of Naga City without someone, usually a friend or some, to guide me where the tricycles are and where the jeepneys go. I was completely blind this time, and I looked stupid when I found out that you couldn't ride from SM to LCC without having to "rent" the tricy for 60 pesos. I was not willing to spend that much so I had to explore other options and even considered the idea of walking but I realized that the driver who had the package for my graduation attire I bought from an alumni had already been there for a couple minutes and I was running late. I may have been overreacting but I've had a couple tricyle and padyak drivers look at me weird with a grin and vague comments as they look at me when I was by myself which bothered me a lot.

⭐

April 25, 2022

appl117

Ma'am RF is amjdshhdhs amazing. You can truly feel her words and you can feel that she means it when she says you're doing a great job. We had our last synchronous session followed by a meeting with just the three of us: Ma'am RF and the Culminating Activity Project Heads. The implementation and seeing everyone embodying magis was rewarding in itself but getting validation from your very own teacher adds up to all of it.

⭐

April 27, 2022

bliss

this feels good. I was living in bliss while listening to AHEB songs after our successful afternoon webinar. It started with it because of my experience inviting Mr. Reb Atadero and him guesting in our webinar. I've only seen a bit of his content before but his ideas struck me so much with those few TikToks from him I've watched. He was also the OG Hector in the AHEB Musical and he and the AHEB cast performed in one of Leni Robredo's rally for their TheatreForLeni. It was amazing getting to watch someone talk who not only share the same ideas (and more I learned from) to someone with an amazing and open mind but also has made it in teatro and was a part of one of my favorite musicals. This might have been the second time I fell in bliss while listening to AHEB songs. After his talk, I rested my entire body in my long pillow and put my phone on my chest while Spotify was blasting the blissful moments of the Act I of AHEB. Is this what being high feels like? I'M NOT USING SUBSTANCES THOUGH I SWEAR I was just in so much bliss which intensified so much that it was so much more about the afternoon talk by that time. I couldn't tell what it was I just knew I loved the feeling and living in that moment alone was enough for me.

miscellaneous e-journal series

~please do not mind that the miscellaneous entries came first ok bye thank yew~

February 2, 2022

*spongebob dolphin noises* (yes, my title is spongebob dolphin noises pls don't question me thank you)

I remember panicking this Monday when I passed by my notes and realized that our teacher told us during orientation that we needed to get the resume and cover letter done by February 2. I whine about it, because that's what I do best, but also because no assignment nor instructions were posted on the GClass. If it wasn't for me checking my notes, I would have not been able to know and wouldn't have been able to submit on time, so I comply with explicit annoyance because it was barely the second week of academic classes. Ok this is fine, I asked a few questions during the orientation, this is for a hypothetical resume after graduating college, this is fine. This morning, just as I woke up, I see the announcement. It would be due on Monday, not today. I was about to whine about that too until I realized the instructions posted. It was for an internship as a high school student, which was very much clearly not what I have done.

☀️

February 3, 2022

gurl?

"Gurl," I approach Kiat-kiat who was about to head for my plate probably to steal some bits of my late brunch I put down by my nightstand temporarily as I set up. Before I could stop her, she ran towards the plate, seeing it as an obstacle to her destination and not a delicious meal she could engulf in. Oily fried rice were scattered everywhere, to my nightstand, to the floors, and some even stuck to the mirror. One piece of tuyo flew over to the floor by the bed, and if I hadn't moved it hours prior to this disaster, I would've had the stench of breakfast even in my dreams at night.

☀️

February 6, 2022

glorious stupidity

This entry was initially meant to be a protest against writing an entry on Sundays, but something else happened so- We've been watching All of Us are Dead for six hours by now (though Dad was five episodes ahead so he might have been watching way longer than I had) and at this point, I was wearing my anti-radiation glasses, unsure if it will even do something with the damage that I've already done, but I wore it anyways to keep up with the weird (understandable) feeling in my eyes. Someone unnecessarily sacrificed himself, and this has happened many times in the show, but at least those had semi-valid reasons so I was quick to forgive, but this one, oh man, this one scene. I was done. I was throwing whatever (family-friendly) hands I could to the screen, my dad was saying "tangek" over and over again. I switched the TV off. My dad didn't protest, he just kept chanting and walked out.

☀️

February 8, 2022

she's old haha

I'm currently filming ridiculous videos for a song I made for a friend for her birthday.

☀️

February 9, 2022

Editing

I am currently editing the said ridiculous video clips I filmed yesterday.

☀️

February 11, 2022

where??

Am I doing it wrong? Was I supposed to put these on the question section? I assumed that I had to comment them here. (And it's private here anyways). I was gonna write about what happened when we went to AdNU, but I'll save it when I'll have the time. Eitherway, even if I don't post an update here, I'll still be writing on my personal journal. It was nice meeting you po, Sir! We hope you liked the token po!

☀️

February 24, 2022

📨

I went with Yana to submit the last batch of requirements for BU. We had lunch at the mall and she had to leave earlier than I did because she had a 1:30 class. I got three thicc books worth P160 total from Booksale.

I also have a head ache at the moment so I kept the entry as short as it is.

☀️

February 27, 2022

out again

My family went to Tigaon for Mamo's birthday celebration.

☀️

March 4, 2022

forms

I just got back home from AdNU for the whole budget request process. This was my first time handling something like this since I've always taken on/been assigned in other roles because I couldn't leave the house as often so Yesh, our treasurer, had to always take on the role. Any sort of forms freak me out. I always feel like there's a blank I can't fill or a mistake I'd have to redo over and over again. A couple weeks back, when we had to submit forms to BU, I had to redo the two back-to-back sheets of forms at least four times. I just never like forms and a big part of this process is filling out the budget request form and the check requisition. Yesh allowed me to do it so I'd know how things go but he was with me to guide me and answer any questions (I had lots). It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be and I didn't have to redo any of them which made me feel a little more confident. I also got to meet Thea, who was the interim secretary during our interim phase in ASCO and someone I talked to a bunch of times online about musicals.

☀️

March 5, 2022

I wasted my time wisely today.

I started the day with minor academic responsibilities like talking to people to work out stuff on our culminating activity. I even ate lunch at 12PM, though that wasn't very fun because my body was freaking out and telling me it wasn't time to eat yet. In the afternoon, I finished the thumbnails I needed for a non-academic/org related thing. I also had a break that didn't last for an unnecessarily long amount of time. I'll be editing something for our PSA now. I'm feeling both creative and productive and it feels like it's been a while since that happened.

☀️

March 6, 2022

Anna Delvey

I wish writing on Sundays was optional.

☀️

March 20, 2022

cleaning

I had plans for this afternoon to edit the video for our culminating activity but I dropped my phone on a sink half-full of water so I had to leave it in our rice container for as long as I can. It wasn't badly damaged but I had to do it just in case. I cleaned my room instead since I didn't have anything else to do. (Disgusting but) I changed my curtains that I've had since pre-pandemic.

☀️

March 21, 2022

✨

I'm doing well!

☀️

March 31, 2022

Butterflies

I wait, and they seem to be waiting too. Here we wait for each other to say something. For years, I've relied on subliminal messages and subtleties to get my message to them, and maybe they have too, as I read their messages that either mean what mine does or nothing, which is a possibility I must not ignore. The line is blurry and I cannot tell. Their messenger bubble floats on its own, and mine must have been floating on their end as well, as we wait for each other to say something after a casual joke thrown around after talking about a semi-serious topic. Until.. after a minute or two of staring, the bubble disappears, and I wait for a few seconds, just in case they choose to come back, before I myself retreats as well.

☀️

April 1, 2022

Today went well.

I volunteered to co-head another project spontaneously. Would I be able to manage? I don't know, probably? We'll see. The fourth quarter is just starting and technically I only have four-ish subjects to worry about. I think I'll be fine. I also packaged a care package for a friend whose birthday is today. Tomorrow, a few friends and I will be seeing live theatre. Things are going well, even though last week I thought things were only gonna go downhill from there. I'm glad I'm feeling much better and returning to a state of normalcy.

☀️

April 5, 2022

slowly getting back

I was able to do a lot today which is mostly involved in the preparation for our project this month and a bit of the culminating activity in one of our subjects. I'm doing well. I'm currently taking a quick break.

☀️

April 7, 2022

done

I got to finish an academic activity I have been yearning not to do but also finish at the same time. I had this similar feeling of wanting to stall and procrastinate (and I did a couple short times) because I didn't wanna do it at all, mostly because of the uncertainty on where to start (which I've read is one of the reasons for procrastination). I got to finish it anyways and I'm getting ready to watch another episode of a show I'm currently watching. I'm just finishing this entry and I'll be off to watching. K bye.

☀️

April 8, 2022

avocado

I was able to wake up at 9 today likely because of my method of creating a series of alarms every thirty-ish minutes once Kikay (our cat) had woken me up at 7 for his breakfast so I wouldn't fall into deep sleep and miss the assembly because staying up from 7 til 9AM is not an option. My eyes are so heavy and my body feels like it's about to fall apart from this but I guess at least it worked? I wanna say that I need coffee but I know I don't and I never did because it has never worked out positively for me. During lunch, we had avocado shake, a collection added to the fruit shakes we've had this week. It brings me joy seeing how much fruit we have in the house.

☀️

April 22, 2022

ants

Lots of them inside my pillowcase. Seems like that's why I woke up twice in the middle of the night.

divider

Oh why hello, why don't we take a break before moving on to the E-Journal entries.

This is so I can add my little reminder that I chose to categorize my E-Journal entries so it may seem wonky but the dates are still pretty much in order though some days will be in one post and the ones on the other.

I also thought adding a screenshot for *all* of my E-Journal entries as instructed would not work out with my blog. So I decided to get creative with organizing them.

To follow the instructions and technicality, I added screenshots in addition to my own way of posting them. I'm sure a bit of my own thing wouldn't hurt.

pc4 - character sketch

A Challenge from the Inside

Written by Meca Jasmine A. Mendoza

From an Interview with Mx. Dessa Anne “Sheng” Binaday

“You’re not just a teacher eh. You’re also a manager, you’re also a caregiver, you’re also a counselor. You wear so many hats, and you’re probably underpaid on top of all of that. Pero it’s a very different profession. It’s the backbone of society.”

Ma’am Sheng delivers her words with grace as she presents her journey, ideas, and philosophies in her four years of teaching. With an exemplary skill for adjustment, she is able to shift one gear into the next with flexibility. She possesses a charming personality and student-centric teaching strategies that enable her to pique her students' interests and guide them to enjoy learning. Students such as myself.

I had just transferred to Ateneo de Naga and I was unfamiliar with the culture and most of the people in it. It was my first semester and I was lucky enough to be enrolled in her class: Introduction to World Religions and Belief. I didn’t know her before that class, like many people in the school, but all I knew was how lucky I was to be taking her class.

Her religion class was far from what I had expected, coming from a public school that although non-sectarian, imposes strict Catholic values on their students, with one Religion teacher in particular cursing vivid images of torture to her students who didn’t attend the Sunday mass. Ironically, most would agree that that class itself was beyond any torture she forced us to envision.

Ma’am Sheng’s JECS class was a complete 180 from what I had just experienced a year before that semester. Hers was welcoming, inclusive, and open. It was more about the societal views of religion and belief than an enumeration of their prayer rituals or the exact date on when that religion was created. Some of our discussions even included abuse of faith, weaponization of religion, uncovering discriminatory rallies disguised as religious movements, how to create and manage our own belief system regardless of religion or faith, and other interesting topics like cults, parody religions, and extremism. I remember bragging to friends who were former schoolmates about the controversial topics we were allowed to talk about during class discussions while also teaching them the same concepts I had learned from the subject.

She created a chill and casual atmosphere during our interview, just like how she would present herself in her classes and homeroom meetings when she would occasionally read us tarot cards and often ask us how we were doing. For each response she gets, she genuinely shows empathy and interest in what we have to say. I was unsure of how to handle myself without being in the comfort of my own room where only the upper half of my body would be visible to the interviewee, allowing me to fidget with my hands and visibly freak out on my lower half. It didn’t help that I was a little cold, despite the fancy semi-thick black velvet coat I thrifted for 25 pesos and that I had health complications just an hour before that interview. I was distracted in many ways but her mesmerizing words and warm personality allowed me to focus so I kept shooting my questions.

After being kicked out of a Dominican School in Quezon City halfway through the semester for struggling to keep her feet on the campus ground (literally) to eat at a nearby Jollibee, she continued her studies in Religious Education at Ateneo de Naga University. She later worked at the same university in 2018, teaching grade school students part-time and college students who would later end up being her colleagues when she was transferred to Senior High School in 2020. Her flexibility allowed her to transition well from the children she taught English to the young adults in her Philosophy class.

It was an observation of her youngest cousin who was taught by her mother to read that inspired her to pursue education. It started in small steps, from tracing letters, into syllables, then words. Her cousin eventually developed a remarkable skill in reading. “When I saw that, something inside me clicked. I also want to do that. I also want to be able to open up new worlds to other people.” She was surrounded by teachers within her family. And as she would state, it was the only thing she knew how to do.

“What is it like to teach in an empty classroom?” She transferred to Senior High School in 2020: right when the COVID-19 pandemic forced schools to transition to distance learning. “I miss the proximity. There are some students who need that connection the most. Pero we cannot afford to go that extra mile, because we are literally separated.” Forming genuine connections with students that seem to exist only on the grids of Google Meet has nearly been an impossible challenge for her. Like most teachers, a lot of her students, she knew only by name, and the still profile pictures displayed on her screen, with few who blink back with their cameras on. Despite her struggle, she is able to capture the minds of many, whether or not she sees it from the other side of the screen. Her captivating strategies, relevant examples, and the perspective she presents make it possible for her to actualize her goal for her students to effectively and genuinely apply these concepts in the real world. “If there’s one thing this pandemic taught me is that I now have to gauge what is essential.” It was not her priority for her students to ace quizzes and memorize lists. It was to empower them to use these concepts and values for good. And above all, quality over quantity and well-being over academics.

A challenge emerges: to change the system from the inside. It was easy to say that the current system was no longer working. But reforming it from the inside was another situation in itself. With the newly appointed person to lead DepEd, things are only about to get tougher, as if it wasn’t already a mess in the first place. “Before you become a doctor, before you become an engineer, you have to pass through teachers. Kaya talaga dapat ang education system ang pinakatigstrestrengthen.” The current system reinforces specific standards that may seem promising from the outside but it takes only a matter of time for that image to reveal the wickedness of the race among numbers, the contest of who gets the least amount of sleep, and the elimination and shaming of the weak. Schooling was no longer for education but a compressed system of a myriad of information that was meant to be memorized then forgotten the next day. If teachers weren’t equipped with the right tools and aren’t compensated well enough for the kind of work that they do, society would crumble into pieces, as it already does. Ma’am Sheng is proof that we can get out of that.

Her classes, our casual interactions, and the interview guided me to open myself to fresh perspectives without any imposition on the formula. She taught me to choose what is sustainable and necessary. She shared that we should let go of the crutch that has been holding us back to walk and create small steps that add up to the big picture. She taught me how to learn and not what to learn. She guided me to a place where I felt safe, valid, and seen. She taught me that there’s enough space for each of us. She taught me that my existence mattered, no matter how many people in the world will grab their pitchforks and torches to dispute.

“Feeling ko nahanap ko na ang place ko sa mundo.”

pc3 - inataman asin inadobo

(This is probably one of my favorite things I've ever written. It all just came out naturally.)

Inataman asin Inadobo

Grade 5 sana kami kadto. Pinaataman kami nin manok, parte kan project mi sa EPP. Nalingawan ko na an ibig sabihun kan EPP, basta iba siya sa EsP. Sa EPP, tinutukduan kami kan pagtanom, pag-ataman nin mga sira tulad nin hito, asin paggibo nin mga kabinet kan mga bulong, dustpan, at kung ano pa man tong mga nakabugtak sa black na clearbook mi na may mga print out ni Ser na tigphotocopy na black and white.

Kaipuhan mi mag-ataman nin manok. Ito bagang 30 days na sisiw na nababakal sa harani sa may Naga City People’s Mall, itong nasa traysikel ka pa sana pasakay duman, mapaparong mo na si mga nakasakong feeds na pinapabakal ninda. Duwa si binakal ming sisiw, ta kung magadan man si saro, may matatada pa.

Kan dinara mi si sisiw sa eskwelahan para matsek ni Ser kung nagbakal talaga kami, nabisto ko si mga sisiw kan mga kaklase ko. Si iba kong kaklase, pinangaranan si inaataman ninda. Sinabihan garo ako kan tugang ko na dai pagpangaranan si sisiw nganing dai masyadong makulog sako kapag bubunuon na. Dai ko tanda kung sisiw ko to o sa kaklase ko pero ugwa katong magic sisiw na napikit an mata asin dai mahiro kapag pinahigda mo siya na kapot-kapot kan kamot mo. Tas mabubuhay nanaman pag tinindog mo. Ngunyan na nagigirumduman ko, makaherakon man si sisiw na to. Aram niya na garo na bubunuon siya liwat kinakarawan pa siya kan mga aki na mayong magirinibo sa buhay. Lula na lamang si sisiw asin nagbibilang kung pirang aldaw pa bago matapos an pagsasakit niya. Si iba sa mga sisiw, nakakahali sa kulungan ninda. Si mga maestra, nauusmak na sa parong kan kwarentang sisiw sa laog kan klasrum mi. Ugmahon man nanggad kami na mga aki na nagdarang sisiw sa eskwelahan.

Nagadan si saro kong sisiw. May natada pa man kaya nadara ko siya sa eskwelahan sa huring aldaw niya sa kinaban. Sa aldaw na bubunuon mi na sinda, dakulaon na maray si manok na inataman ni Mama. Sana dai ni nababasa ni Ser Montero pero si Mama man sana kato nag-ataman tas hinihiling-hiling ko lang pag mahali na ako kan harong asin pag nakauli na ako. Maray na yan, ta dae ako masyadong nakulugan sa huri.

Nakangiririt pa si mga kaklase ko pero deep inside aram na ninda na dai na ninda mahihiling si alaga ninda sa sunod na aldaw na nagtutuka-tuka sa kulungan. Dinara kami ni Ser Montero sa likod kan canteen, tas dara mi naman si mga manok mi sa mga kulungan ninda. Pinakapot ni Ser si manok sa kaklase ko, tas kapot-kapot si kutsilyo, tinukdo niya samo si mga ginigibo niya. Minarka niya si kutsilyo sa liog kan manok asin hiniwa. Nagburulos si dugo kan manok asin si bulos kan luha kan kaklase ko. Sige nang hibi ta kapot-kapot niya si inataman niya nin sarong bulan, si sisiw na pinangaranan asin pirming may “Good morning” sa bawat pakakan, nasa likod na kan canteen mi, dai mabutasan ta sigeng hiro ta naninipa asin sige man bulos si dugo kung sain-sain. May mga natalsikan kan dugo, pero kadaklan kadto, naipon man sa planggana para dai mag-ati si salog na garo may nangyaring krimen. Ma talaga akong kwentang kaklase ta sige lang akong pugol kang pusngak ko sa mga panahon na ito.

Saro-saro, ginadan ni Ser si mga manok habang kapot kan naghihibing estudyante si alaga niya. Ulit-ulit na naninipa asin maparahiro si manok ning garo kiti-kiti hanggang sa maluya an paghiro asin marulumoy na an hawak. Sabi kan maestro mi habang nanghihiwa nin mga liog, iyo daa to si pinakamaray na paagi sa paggadan ta dai napapahaloy si pagsakit ninda. Pagal-pagal na si maestro mi tapos si sako nalang si dai pa nabubuno. Naghiling siya sako, tas sa manok ko, tas sako nanaman, tas nagsabi, “Dakulaon ay!” pero pagal na daa siya mangbuno. Si manok ko pa man si pinakadakula sa klase mi. Dai nabuno si alaga ko ta dakulaon na daang maray asin pagal-pagal na siya. Ika man daw manggadan ning kuwarentang manok sa atubangan kan kwarentang aki na kapto-kapot an inataman na tinuring nindang pamilya. Ma man problema sako kaya binayaan ko na sana asin inuli si buhay ko pang manok. Nabuno man siya sa ibang aldaw sa harong mi. Inadobo katong mga nagtatrabaho sa canteen si mga ataman kan mga kaklase ko. Dai ko lamang nakakan si tinao sako, kaya binalon ko nalang asin winalat sa lamesa mi kan pag-uli ko. Natakot garo ako kadto na sisipaun ako sa nguso ko kapag nginuya ko na ta dinalan ko sindang magsiripa-sipa hanggang magadan. Mga sarong linggo ako kadto dai nagkakan ning manok.

moon (03.27.21)

MOON (03.27.21)

Meca attempts to fly over the moon with one of the theatrical one-woman performances that kept her alive during quarantine. Some of her best moments were spent by herself while passionately igniting the fire in her heart through musical theatre. This was “Rocket to the Moon” from the animated musical “Over the Moon”.

MOON

Character: Meca

Figurative language: "fly over the moon", "kept her alive" and "igniting the fire in her heart"

Specificity: "theatrical one-woman performances”

Subjective approach: "Some of her best moments… musical theatre."

Point of View: Third Person POV

veronica (03.2020)

VERONICA (03.2020)

"September 1st, 1989" she says as a spotlight turns to Meca on beat: the spotlight which was a medium-sized emergency light a classmate brought to mimic expensive stage lights they couldn't afford. With costumes bought from the ukay-ukay, six-peso worth black envelopes that served as lunch trays they had in the West, and the small classroom they called their stage, they performed a couple songs from Heathers, the Off-Broadway Musical.

VERONICA

Character: Meca

Specificity: Details about the spotlight, costumes, props, and stage.

Objective approach: "six-peso worth black envelopes"

Subjective approach: "the small classroom they called their stage."

Point of View: Third Person POV

nstw (07.08.18)

NSTW (07.08.18)

Boboy sits watching his work, the centerpiece, slowly spinning as his daughter admires what her father has created with his artistic and technical mind. The DOST inquired for a unique centerpiece that had truly been the center of attention during the National Science and Technology exhibit.

NSTW

Characters: Boboy and his daughter

Setting: National Science and Technology exhibit

Objective approach: Physical movement/spin of centerpiece and the inquiry of DOST for centerpiece

Subjective approach: View on artistic and technical mind and the piece being the center of attention

Point of View: Third Person POV

valentine's (02.14.17)

VALENTINE’S (02.14.17)

Found on the depths of backed-up photos: six Nissin wafers, a tiny flower, art paper cut-outs, and a note that read “Mr. Pogi” resurface as Meca, the receiver, digs photos from five years ago. This had been a small surprise she found after waking up as she recognized her brother’s handwriting and creative footprints.

VALENTINE'S

Characters: Receiver (Meca), her brother (Mr. Pogi)

Plot: Perspective both from finding the picture from years ago and the moment it was taken

Specificity (diction): Six Nissin wafers

Point of View: Third Person POV

pc2 - life's best moments

And since I'm extra, I'm gonna separate them into posts. The next four posts are from the second Performance Check.

pc1 - neither

I'm genuinely so proud of this one. Because of its specific format, I decided to post the png instead of pasting them in the description. I loved making this one and all the organization that went into it and I loved sharing all the many symbolisms I had for that poem into a neat and organized piece.

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