Ande Joe

I write short snippets of humans are weird stories.

[andejoe]

hello! I was wondering if you could make a post about seasonal depression? Like how winter/cold days make us sad, and if there was some way of translating that into a HASO post?

thank you!

Vero looked around his station. It had been a quiet few days, and while he preferred the quiet, there was a human on the research station and a quiet human was a troublesome thing indeed.

Vero went looking for Alexis, and was unable to find her in any of her normal locations. As each location passed by empty, Vero felt more and more apprehension.

Finally, Vero found Sanha. He deliberately stepped in her way, and she stopped.

“What’s the matter Vero? Is there an emergency I am not aware of?” Sanha asked.

She hadn’t heard an alarm go off, but for Vero to go out of his way to talk to her, something must have happened.

“Alexis is not being annoying. Is she alright? Is she doing something?”

Sanha looked briefly confused. “Alexis is fine. She’s over in the environment simulator.”

“Why? Is something the matter?”

Sanha nodded. “The planet were on goes through exceptionally long winter periods. Many humans emotional state is affected by the weather and the season. While Alexis isn’t one of the more sensitive humans, after a week of winter storms and three straight days no sunlight, she began to recognize the depression.”

Vero was worried. “I didn’t realize Alexis dealt with depression. She always seems so, out going.”

“Like I said, most humans suffer from this particular type of depression to some extent. Some cry when it rains. Alexis explains it like her personality is the same color as the weather. When the weather is grey, so is she.”

Vero nodded. That was easy enough to remember.

“Does she require anything from anyone else?” Vero asked.

“No,” Sanha assured him. “All she needs is some time in the simulator. But, if you wanted to tell her a joke or two, I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt.”

Vero nodded and moved to the side. Human jokes. He’d have to look some up and have them ready for when he saw Alexis again. The winter season was barely halfway over.

Sanha kept her smile to herself as she walked away. Vero was a particularly unfunny individual, and whatever joke he ended up telling would likely only confuse Alexis, and she did enjoy messing with her friend.

[andejoe]

i had gyros for dinner and it got me thinking, how do you think aliens would react to our mixed meats like hot dogs, baloney, and gyros? i think it would be comedic disgust but other deathworlders would get it. they’d like a chicago style hot dog

(Sorry anon, I was struck to go a different direction.)

Eytll looked in confusion at the plate his human friend had offered him. He wasn’t concerned about being able to digest it safely of course. Most beings from deathworlds had similar enough constitutions to not be a major concern. But still.

“Eytll, is there a problem?” Leonard asked.

“Ah, not exactly. I just, I thought you said we were having steak potatoes.”

Leonard looked quizzical, glancing down at the plates as if the food might have somehow been switched in the four seconds since he sat down. “We are?”

Eytll looked back down at the food. “Steak and potatoes. This is steak AND potatoes.”

“Yes? That is what I said, right?” Leonard asked, growing very confused.

Eytll waved his hand, as if waving away the concern. “Please, forgive me. I misunderstood, I thought this was going to be a special meal.”

“It is. Steak and potatoes was always our special family meals,” Leonard explained.

“Oh. OH!” Recognition and embarrassment dawned at the same time. “I did not realize your family could not afford the mixed meals.”

Leonard felt even more confused than ever. “Eytll, what mixed meal are you talking about?”

“Caroline called them hot dogs, but I’ve heard Earth has several kinds of mixed meals. A good variety of mixed meat meals is a good indicator of a thriving deathworld,” Eytll tried to compliment his friend.

“Eytll, meat like that is cheap food. Steak is expensive and special.” Leonard paused, considering some of his other deathworld friends, and the meals they shared with him. “Does that mean, when Seya brought in the burrito things, those were like, high end food?”

“Yes, she brought in the best her family had growing up,” Eytll agreed.

“Wow.” Leonard shook his head. “Well, yeah, I guess we can do hot dogs next time. But, why is the mixed meat better than steak?”

“While a large well seasoned slab of meat is a good indicator of a successful hunt, even humans have to understand that the ability to mix, process, and prepare multiple kinds of food into one easily eaten meal is far better proof of the wealth of a species,” Eytll explained. “It’s one of the first things most species show to prove they’re no longer savage.”

“And other deathworlds prefer this as well?” Leonard asked.

“Of course.”

“Huh.” Leonard started cutting the steak, wanting to eat it before it got any colder.

“Do humans prefer the savage food?” Eytll asked.

“Well, most of the ones I know do,” Leonard answered.

Eytll paused for a moment, before allowing the absurdity of the statement reach peak hilarity. He silenced his laugh quickly though.

“Very well, let us eat as human savages.”

Eytll had to admit though, after he began eating, that human savages were far better cooks than his own species.

[andejoe]

Xene was one of 20 contractors on the mission. Of the other 19 beings, she’d worked with 7 of them before and knew they were solid individuals. But the other 12 would be known to her soon enough. It was a long trip out to the supercluster, they had plenty of time to get to know one another.

The mission was to scout the supercluster, find anything worth reporting, and bring back proof for the Haxorous Corp. It was supposed to be easy.

208 Munius Supercluster decided to have other plans. A burst of gamma-rays briefly shut down their engines, along with a few nonessential systems, and they were almost immediately pulled in by gravity. By the time they got their engines back up, the pilots were figuring out how to crash safely.

Xene wasn’t the first to recover from the wreck. All 20 of them survived the initial crash. The ship, needed some help. So the team did what they were paid to do. They organized, they scavenged, and they repaired. Despite the odds, they survived.

They learned to live hungry. They weren’t going to dye of starvation, but it was already decided they would cut nutrients down to the bare minimum until a steady food source could be grown, caught, or kept. It was a rule made that no one expected would matter, but it was better to come home with more food than end up running out.

The planet they ended up on had no water, but it did have ice. It had to be melted down, boiled, and then purified to make it safe, but at least there was plenty of it.

Slowly, repairs were completed. The distress signal was repaired first, requesting a pickup is the fastest way home of course. But when nothing happened, they determined the signal simply couldn’t reach that far.

They built a signal booster, and flew it out past the supercluster, to act as an extender. It worked. The signal finally reached. They kept working. It was a hard rule among scouter expeditions like that you never rely on someone else to bring you home.

For some reason, rescue never arrived.

Finally, after several long years, it was time to go home.

Once they got outside the supercluster, they started to relax. All they had to do now was fly home.

Xene was awake when the heat died. The system just, powered down. A manual alarm rang, waking everyone up and everyone ran for warmth suits. They’d had to make them on the frozen surface of the planet, and thankfully they packed them for the trip back.

After the heat got turned back on, they discovered their distress signal also turned off. It was easy to switch it back on.

The oxygen went off the next day. By the time they got it back on, 15 members of the crew were unconscious. Only 7 were able to be woken up, and of those, only 2 didn’t show signs of brain damage.

Xene was one of the few lucky ones who hadn’t succumbed to the sudden lack of oxygen. She and the 6 others still running the ship didn’t immediately turn the distress signal back on. Instead, they sat down for a crew meeting.

“Oxygen doesn’t just turn off,” the Captain, Ad-Din, started. “So our first order of business is figuring out which of us is trying to kill everyone, and why.”

Suspicious eyes looked from each face. Xene looked at the people she’s lived with for the past several years. She couldn’t believe any would suddenly try to kill everyone now, not when they were finally going home.

“If no one is going to admit it, then we’ll just have to settle this the hard way.” Ad-Din pulled out a large, clear bottle. He must have pulled it out of his cabin, because it was almost spotless, if aged. “We don’t have time for a proper investigation, and we need to know who’s telling the truth.”

Ad-Din uncapped the bottle and took a swig. His face proved the alcohol did not age well. He handed the bottle off to Liraz.

Down the circle, all drank except for Sruì, who’s species didn’t allow for lying anyway.

Xene and the others drank until the bottle ran dry. Poor Sruì had to wrangle six drunks, and to his utter dismay, discovered that none of them had willingly or knowingly sabotaged the oxygen.

The next day, Sruì shared this information with six very hungover teammates. Xene felt, despite her sick stomach, she was relieved.

“If it wasn’t someone inside the ship, then who could it have been?” Ad-Din wondered.

“I did some work on that question as well, Captain, and I discovered our ship is still in active communication with the Haxorous internal systems,” Sruì offered. “It is possible that someone from the Corporation sent out the command to shut down our life support.”

Further investigation proved Sruì’s theory correct. But, no one could figure out why. They decided to leave the distress signal off for now.

Xene woke up a few days later to alarms blaring. She ran towards the noise, and saw Zawpx frantically trying to shut the fuel lines down by herself. Xene threw her back against the lever and helped Zawpx manually shut the lines.

“What’s going on?” Ad-Din was trying to figure out what was going on, why the engines were screaming with no fuel.

Zawpx did not stop to answer and she rushed from saving fuel to killing the engines before they overheated. Xene followed along, assisting only when given direct commands. Engines weren’t Xene’s specialty, and she didn’t want to damage anything. Ad-Din copied Zawpx’s movements, shutting down the engines that were running on nothing.

They regrouped later, once everything calmed down again, and discovered one of the unconscious crew had managed to wake up, discovered the distress signal off, and switched it on out of ignorance.

They spent several days figuring out the low fuel problem, and working on protecting the ship’s systems from the Haxorous Corporation. It took a week, but they were moving again.

“Turn it back on,” Ad-Din commanded.

“Captain, won’t that only encourage another attack?” Xene asked.

“Probably, but I want that poltroon to know we’re coming and they can’t stop us.” Ad-Din was pissed. It was one thing to ignore their request for help. It was another to actively try to kill his crew. Haxorous would pay for that, and Ad-Din wanted them to know it was coming.

Xene obeyed, flipping the distress signal back on. Haxorous would see it, and know they failed again.

The crew watched very closely for any new attacks on the ship, waiting for retaliation.

[andejoe]

By the way, I’ve had the inspiration to start writing again, so I’m going to go through my asks and drafts and get through some requests while the adhd gods have blessed the fixation lol.

Sorry if my first few are a little rusty while I get back into the swing of things.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

Story about a ragtag space crew who crashland on a new planet and have to pull together to survive. After multiple years, they're able to send out a distress signal and activate emergency systems to get themselves back into space, but something goes wrong and the rescue vessel doesn't arrive. They manage to find a way off-planet and into their own vessel which is still in orbit, right as a major disaster wipes out their camp planetside; as they leave orbit systems on their vessel start to fail, and it becomes clear that these were preinstalled failsafes. They're being sabotaged! What big secret have they uncovered, that The Company is so desperate to bury??

There isn't one. The Company gave them up for dead and only became aware of their survival when their distress systems called fro a rescue vessel. Now they're trying to wipe them out at a distance in a plausibly deniable way before they reach civilisation, because if it becomes known that people survived then they'll be owed almost a decade's worth of back pay as per their employment contracts, and that would reduce shareholder profits this quarter, which is of course unacceptable.

[andejoe]

“Hey Mr. Brain, I really need to talk to you for a minute.”

Brain looked up from his screen, and gave the man standing in his doorway a stern glare. It took a moment for Brain to recognize him. Not his name of course, but the green dot on his badge indicated he was from the Support Crew.

“Look-“ Brain fumbled for a name for a beat before quickly deciding it wasn’t worth it. “I’m not sure what you need but I’m positive it can be handled via email.”

“I did send you an email sir. Several actually.”

Brain was getting frustrated. “Well I didn’t get it then.”

“You did sir.” The visitor was getting more forceful. “You said you would handle it. It hasn’t been handled yet, so I’m here to, once again, offer my support.”

Brain sighed loud enough to let this intruder know he wasn’t welcome. “Remind me what your email said.”

“The survivors, sir. The ship we sent out towards the 208 Munius Supercluster that was declared lost-“

“That trip happened nearly 8 years ago. No one survived. It was a great tragedy. Now, go back to work.” Brain turned back to his screen, positive in his dismissal.

Except the unwelcome man stepped further into the office. “Mr. Brain, I am here to tell you they lived! They sent the appropriate signal. As far as I can tell, the signal was first sent almost two years ago! They need our help.”

Brain sighed, but less dramatically this time. Maybe this was worth looking into.

“I assume you have proof of this?” Brain asked.

Relieved, the guest held out a drive. “It’s all here sir.”

“Very well, Mr.?”

“Addams.”

“Mr. Addams. Fine. I will check into this and see what we can do for them.”

“Would it be too much to ask for updates sir? I’d like to see them returned safely.”

“Fine. I will update you as necessary.”

Addams left, feeling hopeful. Movement was finally happening for those survivors. Maybe, just maybe, they could finally come home.

-

Brain did in fact speak to his boss, who made it very clear that the trip had ended in critical failure and any ‘survivors’ wouldn’t be worth the cost of retrieving. Brain was instructed to shut down any and all remaining life support systems they could access, because any money Brain could save would be his during the year ends bonus.

Brain didn’t think it would take much. He killed the most expensive system first, the heating. If anything was still alive, freezing to death would be painless at least.

The next day, he saw the signals still strong. So he deactivated the oxygen. ‘At least it will be quick,’ he reasoned.

The next week, the signal returned. Brain found he was annoyed that his kindness was rejected. They didn’t want his kindness? Fine. He shut down the engine failsafes and dumped fuel. They could blow up or starve for all he cared.

Only three days later before the signal reactivated. Brain was getting frustrated now. He tried affecting the steering, the air lock, anything. He found he was locked out of all of it.

Brain needed a way to end this, quickly. Before those nuisances found their way to a civilized system.

-

Addams was excited to finally be called to help. He knew his emails were only getting automated responses, but this summons proved Mr. Brain was reading them. Which was a relief to Addam, because he’d been noticing several glitches that were nearly killing the survivors. If Addams hadn’t of put the security block on their own system, he wasn’t sure what else might have happened.

Addams entered the office to find Brain visibly upset. The office worker looked ready to hit something.

“Addams, good. I’m having some trouble with the system. I need your help to access it.”

Addams nodded, moving over. “Of course sir. I’m glad to know you saw the malfunctions too.”

Brain looked at Addams. “What malfunctions?”

Addams paused, and took a step back. “The survivors’ ship, its been malfunctioning, right sir? I’ve been sending you emails.”

Addams didn’t like how Brain seemed to be considering his words. He didn’t seem frustrated anymore. No, to Addams, it looked like Mr. Brain was mad.

“You’ve been watching these malfunctions then? And doing nothing to stop it?” Brain demanded.

Addams felt relief. “Of course not sir. I recognized the malfunctions were coming from our own system, likely because the ship is 7 years out of date and not processing the commands right. I uploaded a firewall to protect the newer commands from confusing the older software on the ship.”

Brain nodded and hit a few keys on his keyboard. “You did? That’s, good.”

Addams nodded. “I didn’t know how else to remotely update their software so the glitches stopped. I figured they made it this far without our help, so long as we don’t hinder them, they’ll make it on their own.”

The door opened behind Addams. He turned to see three security officers behind him.

“Thank you men for getting here so quickly,” Brain addressed the security personnel. “Please escort Mr. Addams out of the building and wipe his work station. He is fired for tampering with company property.”

Addams felt sick as hands grabbed his arms. Realization settled and sickened him as he struggled.

“You said we were SAVING THEM!” Addams accused.

The third guard pulled out a stun baton. “If you don’t stop fighting us, we will use force.”

Addams was incensed and unwilling to bend. His whole life was being destroyed, and at least seven others were being deliberately murdered and for what?

“Tell me why!” Addams suddenly needed the answer. “Why would you do this?!”

“Mr. Addams, it’s in the best interest of the company to cut off bad investments before we lose money. And the mission to 208 Munius Supercluster is nothing more than a bad investment,” Brain explained easily.

Addams feet slipped backwards as he lost his resolve. He felt like a fool, trusting a company to do the right thing. He felt like a fool trusting Mr. Brain to care. Addams was shuffled backwards towards the hall.

“Goodbye Mr. Addams. And, don’t ask us for a reference in your future endeavors,” Brain warned.

Addams wanted to hit the man. As if he cared about a reference right now when people’s lives were at stake.

Addams had taken no more than a step forward when the stun baton touched his back. His body spasmed uncontrollably, and gravity kicked him in the face.

-

Within a few hours, Brain successfully reported the 208 Munius Supercluster mission closed. Now that the pest was gone, Brain was free to set the vessel to self destruct.

With that done, Brain closed the annoying task and went back to his normal workload. With the added, pleasant distraction of thinking about his bonus this year.

[undeadbanjos]

A little background as to why the Markiplier fandom is panicking about The Edge of Sleep.

So YEARS ago. Mark was in a podcast called The Edge of Sleep, which was adapted into a TV series... Which was never released

Until

Mark made a movie adaptation of a video game, Iron Lung. He's put all his energy into this film, directing, producing, editing, even starring in it. the movie is done, and he's working to get it released in theaters.

We, the public don't know why, but we know that some doors have been locked on the release of Iron Lung, however some big wigs somewhere have promised that if his popularity alone can put Edge of Sleep in the TOP TEN a lot of doors will open for Iron Lung. He wasn't allowed to even say where it would premiere, nor was it advertised AT ALL

So now, Edge of Sleep has shadow dropped on Amazon Prime in the US. Three days BEFORE they even told Mark it would air. In order to get this man's work out in theaters this thing has to get to the top ten by word of mouth alone.

So. Watch Edge of Sleep! It's an apocalyptic horror. There are some mild gore warnings (blood, knife mutilation, brain dissection, self harm). Even if you can play it in the background and let it run just so it gets views thatd be helpful.

Stick it to the Hollywood Bigwigs! Show them YouTubers can have an audience! Open some doors for creative people trying to show their work to a bigger audience!

[andejoe]

Look, i love markiplier (his octodad rage still makes me laugh) and i love his choose your own adventure youtube clips. If hes making a movie, i cant wait to watch it.

[andejoe]

All humans were given a placement test to decide where they went in the galaxy. It was a simple test with three results.

Each human walked one by one into a room. In the room was a table. On the table was a cup. In the cup was q-tips.

Humans were sorted based on what happened next. Those who used one quietly went through door number one. Those who coughed when they used one went through door number two. Those who refused to use one went through door number three.

No human ever saw another human who hadn’t gone through the same door they had.

[andejoe]

No one wanted to ask. Someone had to. It was terrifying. But it made sense.

Of course humanity finally abandoned its planet. Everyone was surprised they hadn’t abandoned it sooner. Still, the concern was there.

What made humanity abandon their planet in a mass event? What thing was finally found to scare them off their favorite death world?

Of course not every last human abandoned the planet, but enough did that Earth was no longer considered ‘inhabited’. Humans flocked to other worlds, most choosing death worlds with similar biomes to the ones they preferred. (And there was a suspiciously armored ship heading towards Disney planet.)

The concerning thing was the humans kept going back. Never landing. Never breaking the atmosphere. Just driving by.

Finally, a delegate was chosen to ask the human council member. Poor Laeri was nervous, but they had been called friend by council member Daryl before. Surely this question wouldn’t be an offense.

“Daryl, may I speak with you a moment?”

Daryl paused, and nodded, careful not to smile. He was well practiced in the art of not offending. “Of course Laeri. What is the matter?”

“Humanity has recently applied for habitation permits for a dozen planets. As soon as the permits were awarded, humans left very quickly.”

“Well sure. The permits took three earth years to be approved. Most of the planet had been preparing for over five years at that point,” Daryl explained.

“Yes, that is not my question. The question is why?”

“Why were they ready?”

Laeri shook their head. “Why did they leave Earth? Humans have made it a point to ‘stick it out’ despite better options being available. Why leave now?”

“Oh, that. Well.” Daryl paused. He knew he didn’t have to report officially yet, but his friend wanted to know. “Will you keep it a secret from the council?”

Laeri paused. The answer being a secret did not occur to them. What could the humans possibly be hiding? Would they be able to hide it as well?

“I do not think I can keep any dangerous thing a secret,” Laeri finally admitted.

Daryl nodded. “Nor would I ask you to. It’s not dangerous, just a little experiment more like.”

“If it is an experiment, then you should speak with-“

“No Laeri.” Daryl interrupted calmly. “This isn’t something we want help with. That’s why we haven’t mentioned anything to the Viyon Academics. We just need time to see if it works.”

Their curiosity finally got the better of them.

“If what works?”

“A new society. A new civilized species.”

Laeri didn’t speak, but either from awe or concern, they weren’t sure. Daryl continued.

“We believe a species evolves when they start to take care of their injured and impaired. It means they have compassion. Well an intelligent species on earth has been observed showing compassion. We simply want to give them the space they require to evolve.”

Laeri considered the intelligent species that lived on earth. They were suddenly very concerned. Had the humans been duped?

“The dolphi are showing compassion?” Laeri asked.

Daryl almost laughed. “Not even close. No, we wouldn’t break the agreement we made. They’re not escaping earth anytime soon.”

Laeri felt immediate relief. “Then which species is it?”

Daryl smiled. He couldn’t help it. He liked birds. “Corvids.”

“But, but they’re so small.”

“We know. That’s why some humans are still there, zoologist types to help them grow, learn, and show them the way.”

“What if another species wipes them out before they get the chance?”

Daryl shrugged. “Well that’s why we left some warriors behind, to help keep the corvids alive while they grow. And of course to keep the dolphins contained. We do take that assignment very seriously.”

Laeri was excited now. Another avian species may be joining the galaxy soon. They wanted to tell everyone.

“Promise you’ll keep the secret?” Daryl asked.

Laeri felt their excitement dash upon the cruel rocks of reality. “I will.”

“Good. Here.” Daryl held out a small computer drive.

Laeri took the drive. “What is this?”

“The live feed of the experiment. You really think we wouldn’t watch? As soon as they reach civilized status, I have to report them. Until then, they’ve been completing some very complex puzzles and problem solving lately. You’ll want to start at the beginning but they post new information all the time.”

Laeri clutched the drive to their feathered tunic. Suddenly the small drive was priceless. “I, must go now.”

Laeri took off as fast as would be ignored by others. Daryl watched his friend, surprised by how excited they were. His watch gave him an alert.

“Ooh, a group puzzle. Wonder if they managed it this time.”

Daryl walked off to his own private quarters to watch the newest update on the corvids.

[andejoe]

Tolcia finished her rough sketch of the ancient beings for her new human crew mate. “They are so ancient and powerful, it’s rumored that they are what the galaxies revolve around.”

Craig studied the picture in silence. He stroked his chin as he contemplated being honest.

Tolcia was excited to see that she was able to teach him something new. The universe was huge and humans were fairly new to it, but it was so rare that anything fazed them.

“What do you think? Terrifying, right?” Tolcia asked.

“Well,” Craig stalled, still undecided on how to answer.

Tolcia registered that something was wrong in her assessment. Craig did not seem surprised, shocked, in awe, or otherwise perturbed. “You know of them already?” She was wrong, she had to be wrong.

“Not exactly.” Craig finally decided to tell the truth. “Lovecraftian horror was never my particular interest, but I recognize Cthulhu when I see it. And that thing right there, that’s Cthulhu.”

Tolcia was perfectly still, stunned at the ease Craig had in front of the depictions.

“Humans named them?” Tolcia was quiet, almost fearful of this knowledge. Humans were bumptious, but even they wouldn’t be so daring as to name the beings so ancient there was no record of their beginnings.

“I’m sure we’ve got the names and some of the descriptions wrong, but yeah, a human named Lovecraft wrote stories about these eldritch gods like what, about 1000 years ago I think. But do you mind if I send this to my buddy Adam? He’s super into this stuff and can talk more about this if you want.”

Tolcia took a deep breath and let out a screech that made Craig wince.

“Apologies. Yes, I would like to contact Adam. I have many questions.” So many questions.

Craig took a photo and sent off the message immediately. “Adam’s gonna flip when he finds out that this is real.”

“I think the fact humans have known about the ancient beings for a millennium is going to cause a lot of flipping. The conjecture alone is terrifying to think about.”

Craig’s eyebrows drew together as he looked up from his communicator. “What conjecture?”

“Humans knew they were a possibility, and still decided to leave their own planet. Most beings didn’t find out about the ancients until after being in space for some time. And their first contact with them always sets them back centuries. How do you feel safe exploring when you know these aloof powers are out there?”

Craig shrugged. “I don’t know. Wanderlust I guess.” Realization struck him. “Wait, does that mean you know where we can find them?”

Tolcia screeched again.

[andejoe]

Tolcia was surprised to see her friend. Craig had returned from his extended leave of absence and seemed to still have his brain intact. She had too many questions to be patient.

“Craig, we must speak.”

“Is everything alright or?”

“Did you join Adam on the voyage to meet the Ancients?”

Craig smiled as he exhaled in a soft laugh. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to know.”

Tolcia bit back her initial reaction. “Yes, I wish to know. Now.”

Craig and Tolcia sat in the caf as he began his tale.

“Honestly the longest part of the trip was getting out that far. Took us two of the three months just to get there.”

Tolcia frowned. The math didn’t add up. How did a trip take two months to reach the destination and yet end only a month later?

“Hey, don’t jump ahead of my story,” Craig chided. “Anyway, so we spend two months getting out there and it’s just swirling clouds of color. Black, purple, green, reds. We couldn’t see anything. One of the historians who studied Lovecraftian horror decided to fly towards the black swirls.”

Craig pulled out a small vid pad and opened it. Tolcia closed her eyes first, unsure of what horrors she would see.

“Don’t worry, nothing will melt your brain,” Craig assured her. “But when we fly up there, one of the swirls came close and wrapped around the ship. It was a tentacle of Shub-Niggurath, which isn’t actually her name by the way. We were off on most of the names but even humans can’t replicate their actual names so they let us call them by the names we’d given them.”

Tolcia cracked an eye open slowly. She saw a blurry photo of her friend and several other humans. The ship was encased in shadow, and one human had glowing yellow eyes. The screech surprised even Tolcia.

“Ears!” Craig complained, covering his much too late.

Tolcia pointed at the screen. “This human! They are not okay!”

Craig looked at which person she was pointing to and then smiled. “Yeah, so like I said, we can’t pronounce their language, and understanding it is how you go all brain meltingly cuckoo which fun fact, is how humans knew about them in the first place, but in order to talk to us, they would just select a human onboard to possess temporarily.”

Tolcia covered her mouth this time, but she wasn’t sure her fear would even let her make noise. Humans just let themselves get possessed by the Ancients and Craig spoke about it with the same ease as he selects his morning caffeine.

He kept going, flipping through other photos. The shadows and blurs changed color and opaqueness, as did the human who’s eyes glowed various colors. Some photos were clearer than others, and some were distorted in unnatural ways. Craig mentioned names Tolcia would never look up and was afraid to remember, naming Ancients they interfered with and somehow survived.

“Anyway, after a few days most of the people left on the expedition were feeling a little murdery so Yog-Sothoth swallowed the ship and we all woke up a few days later being towed to quarantine off of the Dalsrr Medical Outpost. After some time in the sensory deprivation chambers, most of us were cleared to go back to our assignments. A couple of them had to stay back for specific treatments or studies, being possessed didn’t leave us unscathed ya know. But hey, Adam seemed more than happy with his new ability to see ghosts so I call it a win win.”

Tolcia stared in frozen horror at her friend. Craig recognized the look and paused to look down at himself.

“Oops, sorry, one second.” Craig ran his hands over his arms until the wisps of black faded away.

Tolcia inched away. “What was that?”

Craig shrugged. “So sometimes I get these like shadow clouds that will show you your worst nightmare. We’re not sure if it’s permanent or not and I have no idea what triggers them but they go away if I disconnect them from my skin.”

Tolcia stood up, turned, and walked away. Craig didn’t move. He knew she would probably take a few days off, but she’d come back. The whispered voices had assured him of this.

[andejoe]

Jngyi loved teaching humans. Truly. Most of them were problematic in their own ways, but he loved being able to help shape them into beings that wouldn’t destroy the galaxy. One of his favorite lessons was teaching humans that sometimes there was no way to ‘fix’ something. Humans needed that lesson. They tried to fix everything, and sometimes made things much worse.

Jngyi gave his students the task of ‘terraforming a planet for habitation’. The goal was to give students a planet that could not be terraformed so they would admit the planet is undesirable and thus accept defeat. Most of the time, even humans would admit a planet would require too much money or effort to change or that attempting terraformation would damage the planet beyond survivability. Ganix was the planet assigned to the more stubborn or supercilious students.

The planet Ganix is unsuitable for life, any life. Most of the planet’s surface is covered in black water, both colored and contaminated by the ash of overactive underwater volcanoes. The excessive ash in the water choked any wildlife that had the misfortune of trying to live there.

What land exists isn’t even dry, instead covered in large patches of marsh. The three seasons observable from a safe distance fluctuate so quickly and harshly that these marshes freeze over and melt in a matter of days, effectively destroying any flora that tries to survive.

While it’s hard to call anything a ‘flood’ when the planet is mostly water to begin with, the tides still completely cover what little land exists when the lunar cycle reaches perigee for a full day every standard two weeks. The climate is no easier to deal with. Rain carrying enough ash to coat the ground, ice falling like rocks, or the excessive heat that accompanies the ‘dry spells’.

The planet isn’t even able to be terraformed as the unstable tectonic plates would fracture and cause even more geological disasters. Which is exactly why Ganix had been classified as uninhabitable and used only as a way point for those whose nav systems broke down.

Jngyi felt very confident that Millie, Elan, Rene, and Brenden, his four most human students, would come to the same conclusion.

The report Rene handed in for the group was over 20 pages long.

“This is quite the long report for what should be a very short sentence,” Jngyi stated.

“What do you mean a short sentence? Just setting up appropriate farm land takes up three of those pages. Elan wanted to write five but we convinced her to shorten it down.”

Jngyi quickly scanned his eyes down the first page of the report. “In our research, we have discovered terraforming in its current meaning is not required for habitation. What do you mean?”

Rene glanced at Millie, who nodded encouragement.

“Well, we don’t believe you need to alter the planet to adjust its climate or structure in order to live there. We believe that it’s possible to adapt to the circumstances available with a little bit of outside supplies.”

Jngyi slapped the report down on his desk. “The assignment was meant to make you admit defeat, not write nonsense to make you sound clever.”

Brenden stepped forward next to Rene. “We didn’t make up stuff! Everything in the report you haven’t bothered to read yet will work.”

Jngyi stared at the upset boy. “You cannot be thriving members of the galaxy if you cannot admit you are incapable of something. Ganix cannot be terraformed. The last attempt at it is what set off the underwater volcanoes to begin with. It is beyond repair and thus is not sustainable for life.”

“Well we say you’re wrong,” Brenden fired back.

Jngyi tried to remember that these were children, mentally unformed and unable to refrain from stubbornness and stupidity. “It is not just me. You’re saying the galaxy is wrong. You’re saying that you four know more than every species, human included, who’s tried to live there before. Even you must see how-“

Millie cut in. “What if they are?”

Jngyi paused to let the eager child’s words register. “What if what? What if the entire galaxy is wrong? How can you ask that?”

“You always teach us that the galaxy is always changing and it’s important to adapt. Well, what if this is another change just waiting to happen? What if they’re wrong?” Millie reasoned.

Jngyi shook his head. “It’s not the same thing. I’m sorry, but you’ve failed this assignment.”

Brenden started to say something, but Rene spoke up faster.

“Will you please read the report before making a final decision? You might change your mind.”

“Fine. I will read the report. But tomorrow the grade will be submitted.”

The four humans left Jngyi to read in quiet.

Jngyi put off reading the report until after dinner. He regretted that decision when he reached page two and had to start contacting other experts. Jngyi knew some earth history, but floating gardens and sun shades and buoyant cities were beyond his working knowledge. Certainly his students had done their research.

By the time the four humans regrouped in his class, Jngyi had a virtual group of his own. Experts in survival, plant growth, microbiology, construction, watercraft, and climate all watched the students enter the class. Each expert had their own copy of the report, along with their own research on the planet itself.

“Prof J, what’s going on here?” Brenden asked.

“Your plan is insane, arduous, possibly nugatory, but it may be viable all the same. I’ve gathered together some experts to question your tactics. If they agree that this could work, they will add their expanded knowledge to your concepts and we will submit this to the terraformation council for further review. If you do well today, this could well allow all four of you entrance to whichever field of study you desire after basic schooling.”

Jngyi motioned for the children to sit down at their seats. Each desk had their report and a pad to pull up more research during the debate.

“If you need a moment to ready yourself, please take it. We begin in fifteen minutes.”

——————————————

Deidre, the expert human on the terraformation committee, looked up from her itinerary. “Hey Kleri, why is Ganix on the schedule for the next meeting? I thought this planet had been deemed unlivable a long time ago?”

Aide Kleri nodded. “Yes Madam Deidre, you are correct.”

“Has something changed?”

“Apparently some teenage humans received the planet as a homework assignment.”

Deidre laughed, cutting off whatever else Aide Kleri would have said. Kleri waited until Deidre calmed down.

“Madam Deidre, why is that funny?”

“Because Kleri, there is nothing worse than a human teenager with a good idea.”

[andejoe]

Perhaps a guide on how to react to being seduced by a human?

Guide to Being Courted By a Human

First decide whether or not this is something you are wanting to continue to cease.

To cease the courtship, write a clearly stated letter and give it to the human.

If the human persists, ask other humans for help to stop the undesired actions.

To continue the courting, agree to the next activity the human suggests.

Tell the human in question that you wish to pursue a relationship.

Good Luck.

[louisinart]

Anyway if you see this you have to reblog and tag with a delight from ur day – even the littlest thing counts

[andejoe]

This needs a lot more reblogs than it has

[andejoe]

What do you think would happen if humans are the only species that believes in luck.

What if aliens never correlated crossing fingers, walking under ladders, seeing melanistic felines, as things that can affect an outcome of a project (or life's) success? What if humans are the only ones who believe in that kind of stuff?

Even non-superstitious humans cross their fingers for good luck, just because that's what you do.

Human right before they're doing something dangerous: Cross your fingers.

Alien: *visibly confused*

Brall headed down the corridor, stepping lightly around the larger debris. The corridor was still under construction after last weeks’ earthquake shook loose a ‘hobby room’ the humans had installed against regulation and without permission. How the humans managed to get weighted iron bars as tall as they were onto the base was impressive in itself, how they managed to get them into the crawl space in between floors was even more so.

“Stop!”

Brall froze, a quick response he learned after being around humans for so long. He saw no danger, no problems, or any reason for his quick change. He turned around to face the human who’d called for him.

“Why can i not continue down the corridor?”

Thane was moving quickly towards Brall. He was trying to protect Brall from, something.

“The ladder.” Thane grabbed it and lifted. He carried it to one side, collapsing it against the wall. “You can’t walk under ladders.”

“It was sufficiently high enough. I would not have bumped it,” Brall assured him.

Thane shook his head. “No, it’s bad luck.”

Brall wasn’t aware of what luck was, or even the concept of it. He was in a hurry though. “Can you walk with me and explain what ‘bad luck’ is?”

Thane nodded. “Course.”

Brall kept going, but diverted half his attention to the human.

“Luck is an invisible force that can change the outcome of anything regardless of what actions have been taken. You can have good luck or bad luck. Good luck is when things work out for you for no reason. Bad luck is when terrible things happen for no reason.”

“But walking under a ladder causes bad luck?”

“Yes, because you can attract good or bad luck based on what you do. Black cats carry bad luck with them, so if you see one, boom, bad luck. On the other hand, horseshoes are good luck. Bad luck is easier to get though, so you have to be extra careful not to attract it. Good luck is a lot harder to manifest.”

They stepped through the doors and headed for the next building.

“But are humans not known for their preparedness and tenacity? Why would a species believe in mindless chance when they are, well, human. It seems counterintuitive that a species who routinely looks death in the eyes and laughs would allow themselves to fall victim to such a hollow belief.”

They stepped into the next building. It was much smaller, only two rooms large. The first room acted as a barrier to protect the sensitive equipment in the second. Another human, Vikram, stood there waiting for Brall.

Thane frowned. “It’s not a hollow belief. There are things that happen that can’t be explained. Despite everything that is prepped or done, sometimes things happen and people don’t make it. It’s bad luck.”

Vikram laughed. “Dude, stop filling his head with nonsense. Luck isn’t real. It’s a small mind ignoring the butterfly effect. Things happen and just because you don’t know what caused them doesn’t mean nothing caused it. The universe doesn’t have an opinion.”

Brall was now very confused. Thane spoke as if luck was a human constant but Vikram refused it outright.

“Oh yeah?” Thane challenged.

Vikram shrugged. “Yeah. Luck is for dummies.”

“Cool.” Thane nodded. “Then I’ll just go ahead and take the narwhal toy with me then.”

Vikram’s face changed so quickly Brall almost expected to see a weapon appear.

“You touch that narwhal and I’ll snap your finger.”

Brall took a step away from Thane first, distancing himself from the potential danger.

“Ha! Now who’s superstitious?”

Vikram frowned. “I’m not superstitious. But if you move that narwhal then Brall and I won’t be able to fix anything.”

“How does the piece of plastic help us?” Brall asked.

Vikram shrugged. “Don’t know, but it does. So don’t touch it.”

“Brall, if you need any more information about luck, I’ll gladly give you some reference material to look up later. Because at least I’m honest about my beliefs.” Thane left, smirking.

Vikram shook his head. “Alright, let’s just get to work.”

———————

“I still don’t understand why the repairs aren’t holding. We worked out all the bugs.”

Vikram had been complaining for the last ten minutes. Nothing they did was working.

“You didn’t touch anything, did you?” Vikram asked.

Brall couldn’t lie. It was an unknown quirk of he species that humans discovered. So he knew he was caught.

Brall pulled the narwhal from his pocket. “You said luck was not real so I wished to see for myself.”

Vikram lunged for the narwhal, frightening Brall. Brall flicked the toy into the air and jumped backwards. Vikram grabbed the toy with a hunter’s focus and immediately rushed it back to its rightful place.

“I told you not to touch the narwhal!”

Vikram began scolding Brall, but Brall was distracted. All the red, orange, and black indicators were shifting to blue and purple behind Vikram’s back. The human was going on about how personifying the equipment and placating it was important, but Brall was only partially listening.

“It’s working.” Brall was in disbelief. Replacing the toy somehow fixed everything.

Vikram turned and smiled. He exhaled all the pent up stress. “Of course it’s working. We gave the toy back. It’s happy now.”

Brall made the mental note to request the reading material from Thane later.

[andejoe]

Hi I'm looking for this one story and I think it was on your blog. Something about how humans are kind of like scouts, and this one alien doesn't trust the human scout, and later gets proven wrong? The planet they were scouting also had something to do with red grass. Sorry this is kinda confusing.

As far as I recall there’s no red grass on in any of my stories but maybe someone else remembers reading this as well?

[andejoe]

Crews Quick Guide to Humans

Quiet humans are not defective. Loud humans are not defective. Unless there is a significant change, assume your human is operating at normal levels.

Human words do not mean the same thing all the time. Look up the study of human tone if you want to always know what your human means.

Human females will smell of blood each month. If this changes, ask your human in private if something happened.

Human males often do not know how loud they are. Asking them to lower their voice is not offensive.

Human cultures vary greatly and various cultures have conflicting beliefs. Most humans will not be offended if you cannot keep up with this.

Humans do not share a hive mind but do have several musical triggers that activate a human chorus. These triggers transcend most cultural and language barriers.

All Stabby units come with a human locator setting. Use liberally.

Ask for a detailed explanation before agreeing to join a human on any non work activity.

Be aware of human hobbies and skills. Humans enjoy company and will likely teach you whatever they know. It is also beneficial to know what your human may do should they get bored.

Do not be too concerned over what humans ingest, so long as they do so willingly and with the full knowledge of what they are ingesting.

Unless you hear a human say something along the lines of ‘I hope this works’ or ‘here goes nothing’, assume they have a working knowledge at the attempted task.

If you hear a human say one of the above phrases, take cover as it is likely too late to stop or report them.

[zandra-lang-cave]

*Taking notes because this Is great for my recently born series* may I use your ideas in the future?

[andejoe]

So long as credit is given and everyone understands these guides are set in a fictional universe, go for it.

[andejoe]

Crews Quick Guide to Humans

Quiet humans are not defective. Loud humans are not defective. Unless there is a significant change, assume your human is operating at normal levels.

Human words do not mean the same thing all the time. Look up the study of human tone if you want to always know what your human means.

Human females will smell of blood each month. If this changes, ask your human in private if something happened.

Human males often do not know how loud they are. Asking them to lower their voice is not offensive.

Human cultures vary greatly and various cultures have conflicting beliefs. Most humans will not be offended if you cannot keep up with this.

Humans do not share a hive mind but do have several musical triggers that activate a human chorus. These triggers transcend most cultural and language barriers.

All Stabby units come with a human locator setting. Use liberally.

Ask for a detailed explanation before agreeing to join a human on any non work activity.

Be aware of human hobbies and skills. Humans enjoy company and will likely teach you whatever they know. It is also beneficial to know what your human may do should they get bored.

Do not be too concerned over what humans ingest, so long as they do so willingly and with the full knowledge of what they are ingesting.

Unless you hear a human say something along the lines of ‘I hope this works’ or ‘here goes nothing’, assume they have a working knowledge at the attempted task.

If you hear a human say one of the above phrases, take cover as it is likely too late to stop or report them.

[myaccountexistsiguess]

My human keeps turning their head 360 degrees and saying stuff like "We are the souls of the undead. Feeaaarrrrr ussssss." Is this normal or should I find a vet?

[andejoe]

While I am inclined to say human anatomy proves this cannot be human, it is best to consult with a human doctor first as it may be some condition which is not in the manuals I’ve come across. But the more likely option is this is a human lookalike trying to copy human behavior.

I wish you fortunate endeavors regardless.

[andejoe]

:0 these are super cool! have you done anything with games like Truth or Dare?

“Sorry Xxl, no can do. That game is off limits,” Derek answered.

“Technically It’s illegal on core worlds,” Joey added.

I was so confused. I myself had been attacked during our board games but a human game that required only speaking was illegal?

“How is Truth or Dare worse than Revolt? Rosa informed me this was an adolescent’s game.”

“Of course Rosa put you up to this.” Derek sighed. “Look, yeah, kids play Truth or Dare, but it’s not kids who got it banned.”

“Xxl, you know human scientists right? The stories about the crazy stuff they invented? The massive problems that occurred before strict regulations were put in place?” Joey asked.

I nodded. Everyone was familiar with humanities creative destruction periods.

“Truth or Dare let’s humans put each other to the test. It starts off easy, who do you like questions or I bet you won’t eat that dares. But the longer the game goes on, the more intrusive the questions get and the more severe the dares become.”

Joey’s face indicated he was done, as if that’s all that needed to be said on the matter.

“But how did a game of questions and suggestions become illegal?” I implored.

Derek and Joey shared a look.

“Alright, come over here and sit,” Derek instructed.

I followed them to the empty corner in the caf. We sat down.

“It was aboard the SS Alloy. Humans on a game night like we do, starting playing truth or dare. One human dared another to hold on to a handle for three seconds in the air lock.”

I felt frozen. My hand stung as it slapped down on the table, loudly. Only after that did I breathe, in shallow quick breaths.

“But, they wouldn’t, humans are, they wouldn’t be so arrogant-“ None of my sentences fully formed out loud.

“They were drinking, and he did. Well, he tried.” Joey sounded annoyed. “Idiot got blasted out the second they opened the air lock. Died almost immediately. The others, they were tried for murder, plead guilty, and spent the rest of their lives planetside.”

“But, but we would never-“

“Xxl,” Derek interrupted me, “You’ve seen us drunk. Can you honestly tell me we wouldn’t reach that point? Especially unchecked? Even you broke a table. It’s not that long of a journey from point a to point b.”

I hesitated. “It seems I have been misinformed of the severity of this game.”

“Don’t worry about it. Rosa just wants to play to stir the pot. She’s probably a truth only person who likes to ask tons of ‘who would you kiss’ questions,” Derek assured me.

“Well, what about Red Rover? Lonnie mentioned having played that as a child as well,” I asked.

Derek and Joey shared a look before turning back to me and speaking together. “No.”