LA is of Lovers

Bam. Blax. Dellie. Adoriana. Fiver.

[andersonlovers-blog]

He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t let himself. He couldn’t face the nightmares again. They kept happening, over and over again, every time he closed his eyes. His father, Jason, Vic, Eli, his mother, Dylan. He kept picturing them. He kept losing them. Landmines, car bombs, enemy fire. Sometimes he was there, sometimes only receiving the flag after. Sometimes they spoke to him, sometimes they wouldn’t even look at him.

By the time he started seeing Jay’s exhaustion from being woken up by screams in the night, Levi wasn’t able to face the nightmares himself.

He tried to hide it from Jason. He didn’t want to upset him when he was being so understanding. He laid in bed, his arm draped over his lover until he was certain Jay was asleep then slipping out of bed and busying himself with whatever he could find. Most nights that was working out, either in their home or the apartment complex’s gym. Some nights it was going on a run until his legs couldn’t carry him any further. Tonight, more than two weeks after his trip home when it all started to get bad again, his body was too exhausted for the physical exertion. So instead he needed to find another way to keep the demons at bay.

It was four—he had woken at 7:30 to “make Jay breakfast before class”—but the apartment was at least clean now. Meticulously clean. The bathroom had been entirely scrubbed—shower included. Every speck of trash bagged and taken out. All the stray dirty clothes gathered up and ready for wash first thing tomorrow. Everything had been organized—magazine piles straightened, remotes in a line on the coffee table, Jay’s desk organized and his supplies tided up. Everything done but vacuuming, which couldn’t be done without waking Jay.

He’d begun on the kitchen not long ago. The floor had been swept. The counter cleared and cleaned. Microwave had been cleaned. Stove top scrubbed. He’d considered cleaning the inside of the oven but wasn’t sure he could do it without waking Jason. Instead he’d decided to clean the refrigerator. All the expired food had already been thrown out. He had cleaned the top two shelves and ensured all the flood on them was organized neatly. Now he sat on the floor scrubbing away at the bottom shelf.

His eyes drooped but he fought them back open. He wasn’t ready for the terror. And he needed to get back in bed before Jason woke up so he wouldn’t suspect anything. A large yawn broke from him, his body quitting on him no matter how badly he wanted to keep going. He would take a quick shower and join Jason in bed as soon as the fridge was clean, he told himself. But his body and mind, spent from the nights of no sleep and the days of depression and anxiety, couldn’t last that long. The door still open, his head slumped sideways onto the shelf, his legs spread out in front of him. The exhaustion had taken hold of him and forced sleep upon him.

And that was exactly how Jason found him in the morning, in a painfully cleaned apartment, on the floor in front of an open refrigerator filled with now expired food.

“Levi, what happened?”

“Nothing…nothing I’m fine,” he said trying to wake himself, moving to let the door close

“Lee…”

Neither of them could fully ignore it any more. He looked up at Jay, tears in his eyes. “Please don’t tell mum and Eli.”

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He felt foolish for it, but Will felt so drawn to this girl already. They seemed to understand one another and have such similar interests. Even Jay, for all love of history, didn’t fully grasp Will’s adoration of the Victorian or the way aged literature felt so much more vibrant to him than modern writings. Clara seemed to. She also shared his sexuality, something that Jason certainly had not. He knew from reading that some asexual people liked being in relationships and some did not. He wanted desperately to ask Clara which was the case for her, but it seemed rather forward and they were having such a nice chat right now. He didn’t want to ruin it or make her uncomfortable with his own romantic inclinations so soon after meeting her.

 “My grandparents have a nice home in the quiet part of France not far from Paris. It’s nice being away from it all. I love London, it will always be my home, especially so long as my family is here, but I have always wondered about moving out to the country. I suppose it would make acting a bit more challenging, but perhaps my writing would flourish in its place.” He smiled very softly at her. “It does make sense. Wanting a modern life that harkens past living. Something slower and more peaceful where connections and love and family are more important than technology and production and fast-paced living. I don’t think you’ve miss the point at all.”

 “Sexuality as a whole is more complicated than people believe. If my family is proof of anything, it is that. We are not all meant to be heterosexual, monogamous, sexual beings. I appreciate you saying I am not alone though. Before I discovered asexuality—or rather I suppose it was actually my sister who did—I did believe I was alone.” He paused, biting his lip at the seriousness of the conversation. “I cried the day she showed me information about it. I had never dreamed there were others out there who held no interest in sex.” He paused again. He wasn’t going to ask her, but she had opened the door so perfectly. “Are you? In a relationship I mean? Or would you like to be at all?”

 He quite liked the idea of the two of them reading and discussing books. the idea of sharing it with the whole group was alright, but he would prefer just the two of them, though that sounded rather selfish. “I think I’d like that. I don’t know of any books that have asexual characters, but I’m sure there are some out there that we could find.” He looked at her, a smile in his eyes. “I’ll certainly return to the group regardless.” If only to spend more time with her, though he didn’t say so out loud.

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Will woke slowly, the tiredness still clinging to all of him. He wasn’t sure why he was waking and he couldn’t quite wrap his head around it. The first thing he noticed though was that Clara was no longer at his side. It had felt absolutely wonderful to fall asleep beside Clara for the first time. They had been up late speaking when he asked her to stay. He had been excited, albeit a bit nervous, when she said yes and they had fallen asleep beside one another in his bed, yet now she was nowhere to be seen.

His immediate thought was that she had left. His heart sunk as he reached over to turn on the bedside lamp to see if he was still in his room, calling out her name softly. Still, she wasn’t there. He bit down on his lip and slipped out of bed, beginning to make his way through the house, checking first the living room and then the library before finding her curled up on the window seat. He gave her a soft, sad smile upon discovering her in his favorite room.

“Somehow I’m not surprised to have found you here.”

“Oh. Will. I—” she seemed at a loss for words, looking down abashedly at the book in her hands. A flush crept over her cheeks. Some how he felt he knew the problem.

“If you aren’t comfortable sharing a bed, I wish you would tell me. I won’t ever be upset with you being honest,” he said gently as he sat down beside her.

“I know,” she said softly. “I thought I would be okay but- I got uncomfortable. It’s not because of you, really.”

“I know.” He hesitated a moment before resting a hand on her knee. “If you aren’t comfortable, we do have guest rooms, you know? You could even stay in Mel’s room. It’s right beside mine and I’m certain she wouldn’t mind. She rarely uses it since she moved out with Evan.”

“I’m sure,” she played with the pages of the book, “but I suppose somehow it felt better here. It feels comfortable. I still can’t believe you have such a lovely library in your own home.”

Will’s smile turned warm and happy, a light chuckle leaving his lips. “Quite right. It is comfortable, isn’t it?”

“I would like to stay here if you don’t mind. Or at least a bit until I’ve calmed down. Besides, the seats are quite comfortable.”

Will studies his girlfriend for a moment quietly before nodding. “Sounds like a lovely plan.” He gets up and studies the shelves for a bit before pulling out The Wizard of Oz. He looks at Clara in the window seat. He’d like to join her, but then the whole reason she had come into the library in the first place was that the closeness had made her uncomfortable. He gives her a soft smile before settling into one of the lounges across the room.

“Wizard of Oz, hmm?”

“It’s a good evening read. A lovely bedtime story, don’t you think?”

“I do.” She looks at him for a second. “Though I believe I prefer Peter Pan.” She smiled, joining him on the lounge with a copy of the book she just referenced. Will smiled to himself as she joined him. Very slowly, peaking over the edge of his book to watch her, he set his socked foot on top of her own. They stayed like that for several moments, both reading their own books before Clara moved, resting against his chest. He didn’t know how closely she was watching him, but still his smile grew, knowing after all that she was comfortable with him. He waited just until her body had fully relaxed before gently setting an arm around her waist, continuing to read.

He wasn’t sure when it was that he fell asleep, but the next thing he knew, he was waking up on the lounge with Clara against his chest and books in both their laps. He smiled at it all. Sure, it had been less comfortable than sleeping in his bed, but somehow the two of them spending their first night together in the library felt much more fitting. He gently kissed her on the top of the head before slowly slipping out from underneath her, lowering her slowly to lie on the lounge. He padded out into the house, finding his mother in the kitchen.

“How was the night with Clara?” his mother asked, a grin on her face and her eyes lighting up.

“Lovely. Even though we’ve spent all of it in the library.” He paused for a second. “Would you help me make some breakfast? I’d like to surprise her with it when she wakes up.”

“Of course,” River’s eyes glowed at her son, “what does she like?”

“I— I actually don’t know what she would like.” He stopped to think a moment. “Would you mind making omelets? And I could make strawberry crepes like granddads for all of us.”

“Sounds wonderful darling.”

The two of them got to work, Will fully ready to help ready breakfast for his parents as well as his girlfriend. But as soon as the first two omelets and crepes were done, his mother shooed him out of the kitchen with a tray in hand with the food, some fresh fruit, and two newly brewed cups of tea. He knocked on the door of the library, hoping to wake her some before he entered with library. “Good morning,” he smiled at her, “I’ve brought breakfast.”

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The phone rang precisely two and a half times before she picked up. “Hey mum.”

“Levi! Oh love, it’s so good to hear from you. We’ve missed you out there you know.”

“I know mum. I’ve missed you too.” He couldn’t help the small smile that pulled up his lips at her excitement to hear from her first born. He did miss them, his mum and Eli, but he knew they were better off not having to worry about him. War had already taken their dad from him. They didn’t need to see how much of him it had taken. He didn’t want to worry about them.

“Come on love, out with it then. You never call without a reason Lee.”

The accusation and the sadness in her voice hurt him, but he knew it was true. He wanted to be as close to his mum and brother as he had once been. But it hurt too much to talk to them, to actively miss them, to have them at arms’ length and never any closer. It was easier to build up a wall with them the same way he did with everyone else. It was best this way.

“Well, actually, um—”

“Now come on Levi, out with it, nothing you can’t tell your mum,” she teased.

“I’ve…actually started dating someone.”

“Really? Oh Levi, that’s wonderful! Tell me about him!”

His mother’s excitement brought a smile to his own lips as he settled back into the couch to speak to her. “His name’s Jason. He’s incredibly smart—as in studying law at King’s College smart. But really sweet and funny. I just really like being around him. He makes me feel comfortable, you know?”

“And is he fit, come on now, can’t leave out the important bits.”

“He’s a rugby player, so yes, very fit,” he said with a laugh.

“Lee…he sounds wonderful. I’m so happy for you.” She paused and he could hear the hesitation in her voice before she continued. “Is it serious?”

He paused too, not ready to admit any of it. It was intimidating enough to face it ins his own mind, much less out loud to his mother. “He asks me to move in with him the other day actually. …I almost said yes.”

There was another pause, this one not hesitant. He could almost picture his mother on the other end of the phone, chewing on her lips, gathering up her strength before speaking. “Take it from me love, you don’t want to waste your time. Trust your heart and it won’t ever lead you astray. Trust what it tells you. I know you’re young still, but don’t waste your time. If you’ve found what you want, then go for it. There’s no reason to wait love. There’s not.”

“…I know mum.”

“And how do you feel about him.”

Another pause, this time from Levi while he gathered himself. “…I think I love him.”

“Then don’t waste the time you have with him Lee.”

“I won’t mum.”

“Good. Now I’d best see the two of you out to see me and your brother here soon, you hear me.”

“I hear you mum. I’ll find a time to come visit soon.”

“Good.”

“…I’ve got to get to work. I love you mum.”

“I love you too Levi. I’ll see you soon love.”

“I’ll see you soon. Bye mum.”

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As Angelica Johnson made her way up the stairs, her hand holding her daughter’s her feet aching and her body exhausted, she could at least rest easy knowing she wouldn’t have to worry about dinner. Evan would have it handled by now and even if he didn’t, all she’d have to do as ask. He was a good boy with a good heart and a drive like her own even if it had let to him following into some of his father’s footsteps. But she couldn’t ask for a better son, she really couldn’t. That was why she was surprised that when she opened the apartment door there wasn’t a light on in site.

“Evan?”

“Shhhh,” the slurred sound came from the couch and she stepped in front of her daughter ready to have to protect her once again from her fathers. She was shocked to see her son, sitting on the couch a mostly emptied bottle of whiskey dangling from one hand.

His head lulled over, his eyes going sad at the site of his sister before his brotherly instincts began clicking into gear, despite his heavily intoxicated state. He’d gone to the alcohol shop across the street as soon as he’d been able to stop the sobbing for long enough to function. His father hadn’t left much of anything in the house and he knew better than touching any of his father’s stash anyway. After the purchase of a few bottles, he was left with the same amount of cash he’d had before hitting the streets today. He’d have to sell himself again and that just made it all worse, made the alcohol he poured down his throat all the more needed.

“We gotta find Emmie a new school place after school.” His words were slurred and hardly logical.

“Evan what’s going on?”

“She can’ go to the place wi’ Mel any more. Bad idea. Bad, bad idea. Don’ wanna havta pick ‘er up there and you can’ always so we gotta find a new place.”

“I can’t go see Mel anymore?” Emmie asked looking up with wide sad eyes that only hurt Evan’s heart more.

“No. No cuz she doesn’t want us any more.”

Angelica bit her lip and told her daughter to go get ready for dinner, trying to shoo her back to the bedrooms before sitting down beside her son. She brushed a worried hand through his hair. He reeked of alcohol in a way she was used to with her husband but was new for her son and it broke her heart. “Evan what happened?”

“I’m jus’ tryin’ to be a good brother. I’m tryin’ ta be a good brother and a good son and a good person and a good boyfriend but I can’t be all those thing at the same time. I can’t. I was trying but I can’t. I can only be two of those things.” He held up two fingers in a wobbly gesture. “So I’m bein’ a good brother and a good son cuz I can’t be those an’ be a good boyfriend and a good person and cuz I’m not all those things, then she left me. Mel left me. She left me and I love her but I can’t be with her cuz she doesn’t want me cuz I do bad things and I love her and I want to be with her but she doesn’t want me anymore.”

“You’re a good person sweetheart, of course you are.”

“I’m not. I’m not mom, I’m not and Mel finally saw that. She finally saw everything I do and she can’t love me for all of that. I hate it because she’s right. She right and I can’t even be mad at her for not wanting me. I don’t want me. I don’t know why she did want me but now she knows and now she doesn’t want me. I’m not good enough for her.”

“Didn’t she know what you did before? I…I thought she knew.”

“Not all of it. Not that stuff you don’t know.” His face fell, his eyes going sad again. Heartbreak layered on heartbreak. “If I told you, you’d hate me too. You’d take Emmie away from me.”

“Evan that’s not true. I could never hate you sweetie. What is it? Tell me?”

He stared at her for a moment, considered telling her. But he couldn’t lose the love of Melody and his mother all in one day. He would wind up exactly like his father, the man he had always loathed. He couldn’t risk his mother turning her back on him. Not now, not ever. No, he would have to keep his second job to himself the way he always had.

“I gotta go to work. We need money. We need money cuz dad used again. I gotta- I gotta go get money for rent. I gotta-“

“Evan you are not going anywhere.”

“But—“

“Evan Joshua, you are not going anywhere but to the shower to get cleaned up and then bed to get sober.”

He looked up at his mother. She so rarely had to take care of him. He’d been independent really since he was a young teenager, before they’d ever come to the UK. His face broke as tears rose up in his eyes. “I love her mom. I loved her and I wanted to marry her and she’s gone.”

“…I know. I know I’m sorry,” she said pulling him into a tight hug as the tears broke loose from him and he clung to her in a way he hadn’t since he was a child.

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Levi and Jason, Starter 1

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Jason shrugged, his cheeks turning red in embarrassment. He didn’t like to flaunt his education, although he realized that is exactly what he was doing. Making it seem like he was this amazing person, when the truth was he couldn’t even make his boyfriend attractive to him. He exhaled slowly and looked up at Levi. “I only go there because of my family connections. And I guess it didn’t hurt that I was athletic. I doubt I would have gotten in if it wasn’t for my Mum and Dad though. That’s where they met actually and they are still together today. I guess it means that quite a bit is expected of me though and that can be a bit disheartening sometimes. It’s not all that it was cracked up to be. 

Perhaps that was too negative, he thought to himself. He needed to find the perfect balance of modesty with positivity. He didn’t want him to think he only thought about how great he was, but he didn’t want him to think he hated himself either. He hadn’t remembered this part being so hard before. Why was it that he couldn’t do this easily like before? He knew that things had been hard after Will, but he didn’t think that it would affect him dating. He didn’t want to end up along for the rest of his lift just because his boyfriend didn’t fancy shagging him and had left him for it. 

He smiled as Levi accused him of being competitive, it was nice to get away from his head for a moment. “Perhaps I am a little.” He admitted. “But you would be too if your family viewed things as a competition. University seems to be the biggest competition of them all too. Everyone wants a good job when they graduate and this isn’t America, we don’t need that many lawyers.” He joked. He moved in closer so that their was hardly any distance between them. His heart thumped in his chest and he wondered if perhaps they would kiss. Although the moment seemed to pass as quickly as it came. “I don’t know that I would like to try and do pushups with you. I wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings.” He teased. surprising himself that he would be so bold. 

Perhaps this wasn’t going to be so bad after all. It felt like a rollarcoaster but he did like having the swooping feeling in his stomach. It was like winning a rugby match and your teammates going over to congratulate you, a natural high that he needed right now. Perhaps he would go out more often now, it couldn’t hurt. He walked out with Levi and frowned when he mentioned the Queen. Why had he said that? As if it was something normal that people did. “Oh I had a friend that knew her daughter.” He said casually. “I only met her once actually and not for very long. I know Charlotte better, she’s very nice. And her brother is very fit.” He said. “Although sadly I don’t think he’s gay. I’m not sure the royal family would want him to be either. Although King William is pretty progressive so perhaps?” He looked at Levi for a moment and added. “But I don’t think I would like to date a Prince, it would be so much work. I would always have to be a step behind him. I would rather have someone I am on equal footing with. Someone perhaps that I could beat at pushups.” He said, hoping that wasn’t too bold of him. 

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There it was again, the flush on his cheek that took him from just another amazingly sexy man to somehow cute and adorable. Levi felt his lips quirk up in a smile as he kept himself close to the brunette. He seemed like a really great guy with a really good energy and that was something Levi really needed. He was battling so many demons himself but maybe Jason could help them go away for a little. Maybe it wasn’t right to try to throw himself into a relationship to solve all his problems, but he was willing to try it. Especially if it was with someone like him. “Oh I see,” he said with a fake sneer, looking at Jason, “mummy and daddy’s boy, just another legacy. That’s why you have to go around throwing out words like ‘heretofore.’ You’re not actually smart, you’re just pretending you are and hope no one catches on.” He laughed lightly but rested a hand on his forearm. “All families have pressures, just in different ways.”

His own family had its pressures. Very different from those Jason described, but there nonetheless. Levi’s father and grandfather were both royal marines as well. Most of his uncles and his great-grandfather had served as well. He didn’t mind the expectation to go into the military. In fact it had always felt like the perfect fit for him. But then he had gone and come back so damaged. And even worse, he realized once he was out he didn’t know what to do with his life. He’d planned his whole life around being a soldier one day but never planned for what happened after his last tour. He didn’t know what he would want to do even if he could hold down a job. And then there were mum and Elijah. They loved him. Almost too much it felt at times. He needed them to think he was okay even though he was very far from it. 

When Jason moved closer, Levi’s eyes danced across his face, the sound of the bar fading into the background. He wanted to kiss him so badly, but he also didn’t want to jump right in like he did with other guys. Jason seemed different somehow. “Suppose I can understand that. I come from a long line of military men myself.” And I’m the only one who came back so fucked up. Not that my dad came back at all. “I mean, if you think what you saw with Dylan and I was bad, you should see push-up contests between an entire barrack full of pent-up men who haven’t had sex in two months.” He tried to turn it into a joke, to keep things light. He grinned and flexed his muscles, looking over at Jason playfully. “Oh I don’t know, I think it would be quite a good competition. Brawn versus beauty.”

“Holy hell,” Levi shook his head and ran a hand through his short, red hair, “you chat about the royal family like it’s just a casual meet up for tea to hang out with them. And you go to King’s College and you’re from a good family obviously if your parents go there and you play rugby. How the bloody hell is a bloke like you single?” It was a joke, or at least he hoped Jason thought it was, but it felt very real. This man with dark hair and bright blue eyes felt like any gay man’s dream. Or any straight woman’s for that matter. He had the feeling he wouldn’t quite stack up. “I don’t know, I think I’d quite like dating a prince, seems like it would come with a lot of benefits. But, you know, with the hair and the fact that they’re royals, I’m sure there’d be heritage rumors that we’re related in no time.” He turned to Jason his smile going softer. “But I think I’d much rather be with some I can most certainly beat in a push up contest.” This time it was Levi who blushed out in the low light of the street.

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Levi and Jason, Starter 1

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Jason laughed, it really had been a long time since he had laughed and honestly he had thought he forgotten. It wasn’t until this stranger and come to chat him up that he remembered he used to laugh all the time. He could remember laughing until the middle of the night, curled up in bed with Will, talking about utter nonsense. It was so easy for him to dwell on what could have been, even with an attractive man in front of him. With some effort he drew his focus back. He was who he needed to be paying attention now. He was available to him, not Will. “I will try to keep my advanced vernacular out of conversation.” He answered and then blushed. “Even though I’ve just mucked it up.” 

Jason smiled and shrugged when he asked about the school. He didn’t love bragging up where he went, although it could be hard not to and it was sort of impressive. It couldn’t hurt for him to throw it in there, although he felt like it would be less impressed if he knew that Jason was only doing it to appease his Father. “I go to King’s College.” He muttered, trying not to make it seem like a big deal. “I have some great friends there, although I’m not sure that I would want to introduce you to them.” There, he had flirted back. Subtly and perhaps with a bit of awkwardness that he didn’t used to posses but he had flirted nevertheless. Honestly if he could just flirt with him he would be happy with that. At least that meant he was moving in the right direction and as much as that scared him he knew he had to start. He couldn’t keep moping about like this. 

He was relatively disappointed when their hands broke apart did have the smallest big of hope that they could graduate to holding hands. With that thought came the memory of Will holding hands with him on his first date and he quickly shooed the thought away. Instead he focused on the person in front of him, whispering about being the third wheel. He honestly couldn’t imagine someone so fit having to play third wheel ever, but he didn’t say so. He didn’t want to imply that he got with many different males, especially because he hoped that it wasn’t true. He had never been the type of bloke to interact with men that took many other men to bed and he didn’t hope to start now. “They seem in love.” He said, looking over his friends. “It must be hard to be around that all the time. I wouldn’t much like it myself. I like to be in the middle of the romance rather then watching it on the sidelines. 

Was that too much? He asked himself. It might have been, but he wasn’t sure. He didn’t want him to think that he was too forward. It wasn’t like he would be proposing to the man anytime soon, he had just met him. Still a part of him knew that he couldn’t just flirt with man without some sort of indication that it could go somewhere. He didn’t date just for fun, he never had.  He always dated because he was on the lookout for the person that he would fit perfectly with. Of course he had already found that person, but they had differed too much in the end. 

He took a deep breath to recenter himself and shrugged. “I guess if you like that sort of thing. I don’t much like rugby boys, much too competitive for my taste. Always trying to one up each other. Of course I don’t mind the one-upping as long as it isn’t directed at me.” He quickly added when he realized he could be offended him. “If they have a cute arse and are doing pushups in a bar it’s different of course. I don’t mind competition as long as they aren’t competing against me. You wouldn’t would you?” 

He grinned before continuing on. This was fun, whatever it was and he was enjoying himself for the first time in months. This year had been rough for him but maybe it would turn around. Maybe if he just took him out to a proper date and got to know him better. He didn’t want to jump right into something of course but it wouldn’t hurt to at this feel things out, especially since he was ex-military. Just when Jay thought he couldn’t get more attractive he did. “Perhaps we should let our mates do their own thing? And we can go get a bite to eat? I’m famished actually and I know of a wonderful place near her that has decent food. We could eat here as well, but it’s loud and I could use a something other then Pub food. What do you say? We could talk more about your military career if you would like? Unless it is rather painful to speak about then I’ll drop it. I will say that I respect a bloke who fights for the Queen and Country. It’s admirable. I’ve met her once and she’s a wonderful lady to protect, very sweet.” 

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The man’s continued high-level words had a laugh spilling out of Levi’s mouth. He did his best to laugh when he could. He tried to make it as often as he could. It was better that than the lows the was often tempted to give himself over to. Being in the service had taken a lot out of him and now that he was out of it, he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do with his life. Levi’s brows shot up his head though when Jason said where he went to school. It certainly explained the way he talked, though Levi suddenly felt very out of his depths. “I’m sorry, I must have been mistaken because I swear I just heard you say you’re studying law at King’s College. Bloody hell...” 

“Yeah, I suppose they are,” Levi said looking over at his friends. Bec had been good for Dylan, given him a place to channel his crazy side. And the two of them were beyond good to him. Without them, he’d likely be another homeless veteran. “They fight a bit, but I think any couple does. Or maybe I just see more of the fighting since I live with them,” he shrugged, “I hope I find something like that some day.” He slept around a little now--not so much that he was known for it or that it was risky behavior, but enough to keep him satisfied and the worst of his demons at bay. It wasn’t that he disliked it, he didn’t exactly, but he did wish he could have a relationship.

He looked over at the blue eyed boy and smiled. Jason was making attempts to flirt with him, or at least Levi thought he was. He was much more subtle than the sex-focused boys he was used to. He could appreciate that. He could appreciate wanting to get lost in romance. He never had, had never even had a boyfriend before, but it was well past time for that really.  He just wasn’t sure how to make that transition and frankly he hadn’t found anyone who had really made him want to. None of the men he knew were really dating material. Though he supposed he wasn’t certain what that meant and supposed he was hardly dating material himself.

“Oh so now you, Mr. Rugby Captain to-be lawyer attending King’s College, are now trying to convince me that you’re not competitive. Now that I don’t believe at all.” He smirked, letting his torso lean forward, closer to the attractive male he was more than happy to have at his side. He liked being closer to him, even just physically, telling the whole bar through his body language that the new guy was spoken for. “Oh I might compete against you. Depends what it is that we have to compete for.” Immediate his mind began wondering if Jason was a top or a bottom when it came to the bedroom. He wasn’t quite sure. “Though I could definitely be talked into a pushup contest with you. You certainly have the body for it.”

A grin spread across his face when Jason mentioned leaving. He liked the idea of going somewhere more intimate. Jason was insanely attractive and brilliant to boot. On top of all that, he seemed like a genuinely kind man and he had a wonderful laugh. He wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted from tonight--he’d expected just to take him home and have sex and they’d go along their different ways, but now he was wondering if this could be more than that perhaps. “I’d love that,” he admitted, “let me settle the tabs first.” He waived the bartender over and pulled out his wallet, closing out both he and Jason’s tabs with the cash he had on hand, smiling at him and telling him by name to have a nice night. “Now where’s this place out because if I’m being honest, I could definitely down a meal right now.” As they headed for the door, shock rang into him again. “You’ve met her? As in the Queen? You’ve met her? Exactly how high are your connections at King’s College?”

[noxxlumina]

[redfar]

[andersonlovers-blog]

Jo & Bash

Starter Leah was too dumb to remember to type before she sent

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bash exhaled shakily and stared at the navy-blue duvet on his twin sized bed. There was a big, black desk at the food of the bed that held his journal and pens, all neatly arranged along with a small stack of books that he had been given by his therapist which he had yet to touch. There were also flowers given to him by his parents, beautiful lilies that they knew were Bash’s favorite as well as a card telling him how much they loved him. Above the desk was a bulletin board with pictures from his Aunt Skye. Pictures of him with her, family pictures and pictures of special events of his life. Everyone he loved had sent him something and he displayed it all proudly to remind himself of all he had to live for, everyone except Jolie.

It had been two long weeks since Bash had been sent to treatment by his concerned parents and not once had his sister come. He tried to be understanding about it because he knew that this wasn’t her sort of place. She didn’t like feelings and this place was bursting at the seams with them. There would be no way to avoid reality here and she would have subconsciously acknowledged that. Still, it hurt him and made him sad that the person he needed the most hadn’t bothered to visit him yet.

Bash had always looked up to his older sister, ever since they were kids. Even though they were very different, her loud and opinionated and him shy and quiet they had always been close. He understood his sister and her sadness that she kept tucked away. He understood that she wasn’t what people thought she was and in return she understood him as well. They were the only two that had three parents that raised them and they alone knew how hard it could be. Although they never spoke it out loud. He knew that Jo must have had experiences similar to his. Of kids blurting out how their parents said that three parents in a family is unnatural and disgusting or people eyeing the family wearily as if they were afraid that their lifestyle could catch. Bash loved his family with all his heart but he knew that life in the spotlight was already hard and adding polyamorous parents certainly didn’t make things easier. Add on his sexual orientation and it was no wonder that Bash had turned out the way he did.

Jo had gone a different way in dealing with her various life pressures but that was because they were different people. That didn’t mean they didn’t understand each other on a deep level. Or at least that’s what Bash felt like and maybe Jo felt the same but he wasn’t sure. He had longed to ask her for a while now but the words always got stuck in his throat so he continued to eat his feelings and then quickly allow that food to come out of his stomach and into the toilet, one flush it and it was gone, no longer hurting him.

Or so he thought the truth was that he emotions never left him, they had just been stuffed down with the food. Ow however he didn’t have the food to stuff down and he had to start feeling those painful emotions. All he wanted was sister to come so she could share in them but with each day he found her coming less and less likely. Which is why he was shocked when she walked right into the place as he was lying in bed.

Bash blinked a few times as if he was trying to figure out if what he was seeing as actually real. It felt so odd to have her here with her perfect hair, clothes, and make-up looking larger than life and ultra-glam as usual. She started talking to him as if it hadn’t been two weeks since she had seen him. Which made him frown. He knew that she wasn’t the type to apologize and he didn’t even need it from her but she could have at least attempted to look apologetic. Still she was here and that was what really mattered anyway.

“Yeah it’s nice.” He said when she commented on the place. “Although what the place looks like doesn’t matter. It’s a good facility though, I like it.” His eyebrow raised when she tossed him a box. Honestly, he hadn’t expected anything from her but he should have known. He looked at the watch inside and grinned. “This is very pretty,” he agreed. “And very me.” He looked at the tiny diamonds and smiled. “I am not here to fuck anyone,” he said as he put the watch on to admire it.” The last thing I need is sex. I sort of don’t want that truthfully. I want to be better Jo.” He said in almost a whisper his eyes filling with tears. He wanted to reach out to his sister and hold her tight but he didn’t know how. Instead he wiped at his tears and apologized to her. There was so much he wished he could say but he had no clue where to start and was much too scared of her reaction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jo hated medical facilities of any kind. She always had. Some of her clearest childhood memories were holding a toddling Bash’s hand as she sat and stared up at Daddy’s hospital bed while he was fighting cancer. As a young child, doctors meant extreme, life-threatening illness. Ever since she lost her baby, doctors just equated to death. Getting her to do anything more than her quarterly STI tests meant her mother (often literally) dragging her kicking and screaming into the office. Sebastien and her parents were the only ones she would ever deign to do this for.

Seeing Bash didn’t make it any better. He didn’t look like her brother. Things just felt…different about him. Her palms itched and every fiber of her body wanted to bolt out of this hellhole. She already knew as soon as she left she’d have to pull out the pack of menthols she kept hidden in the ‘tool box’ in her car. This was why she hadn’t come. Because being here meant coming face to face with the fact that her brother wasn’t okay. It meant admitting something was wrong with him. It meant her baby brother was hurting and even he didn’t trust her to tell her. No, she didn’t make it easy, but she thought Bash knew she cared. But apparently not. One more person to brick out she supposed. Caring and seeing him in this kind of pain hurt too much.

And then there was the room’s decorations. She saw her family’s fingerprints all over. Lilies with a car that showed they were from Papa’s favorite florist. Aunt Skye’s photos. French lilacs no doubt from their grandfathers. A stack of movies whose titles made it clear they were from Uncle Drew. A nerf football she had little doubt was from Xavier. Everyone had been here. Everyone but her. Maybe he was right not to tell her. Maybe she was a shit sister who couldn’t be there for him. Maybe God or whatever bullshit higher power there was had known better than her. If she couldn’t even visit her brother after he tried to kill himself, she couldn’t be a mother.

She turned away pretending to inspect the room rather than blinking away tears. Her brother was one in an extraordinarily small number of people she genuinely cared about. She’d even fought with their parents when they’d sent him away. They couldn’t just lock him away; surely they were exaggerating. But even Papa had stood his ground this time. and now, having to literally face it, she knew why and she couldn’t stand it. Bash was the one person able to get under her icy shell without driving her away. Though she knew he had others, he was the closest thing she had to a best friend. The last two weeks were hell and she was scared to ask how much longer it would be.

“Of course it’s pretty,” she said tossing her head, her long hair rolling in waves as she finally turned back around. “I wouldn’t give something even to my enemies. No. Wait. I take that back. There was Georgia Carlisle my junior year when she tried to steal my prom dress. But the bitch had it coming. And if you’re fool enough to believe taffeta will ever be Spring’s biggest trend, you deserve all social humiliation that will befall you.”

It was irreverent, blaze, maybe even crass to talk about such things at a time like this, but it was the only thing that made her feel like she could breathe. You’re a bitch. You’re an ice queen. You take no shit and you never give one. Never let them see you crack Reine. Not even Bash.

“You don’t want sex? Dear god, you must be sick,” she said and started to roll her eyes before she saw the tears in her brother’s. she was sick to her stomach. She honestly thought she was going to vomit for a second. She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before sitting down on the bed beside her brother. “Then get better Bash,” she said softly, “get better and come home. Mom’s all worried and Papa’s all nervous. Dad’s doing that thing where he won’t stop cooking.” She paused a moment swallowing around the lump in her throat, her voice nothing but a whisper. “I miss you. We all do.” She waited a second or two in heavy silence. “Look I know it’s not that easy, but we need you home. It’s not the same without you. And besides you don’t come home soon, mom and I will just make your mom into another shoe closet.”

[andersonlovers-blog]

Will’s Vows

You met me during arguable the most confusing time of my life. I didn’t know who or what or why I was, but I was starting to find answers. Answers my brain rejected and refused to see as truth. But you came along and you helped me to see them, helped me to make sense of them. If I am a puzzle, you are the patient, loving hand that put me together. You taught me no only am I worthy of being loved by someone, just as I am, but helped me to love myself, something I had never done before I met you. I don’t want to just talk about how much I love you or you love me, because that’s a gross over simplification of our relationship. I don’t just love you, I rely on you, I need you. You don’t just love me, you support me, you comfort me. I was a mess when I met you, but you have helped me become the man I am. A man I couldn’t have been without you. I have grown so much with you by my side. And I absolutely cannot wait to see what we make of this befuddling, messy, love-filled life together.

[andersonlovers-blog]

Kendrick and Freya Forester with their sons Austin and Owen

[andersonlovers-blog]

An Excerpt from the Acknowledgements of Lucas Bane’s First Novel

Finally, and above all, I most thank my beautiful and wonderful husband, Dimitri. Love, you have been the light of my life since I met you and the love of it since the first time you kissed me. We have vowed for better or for worse and you have always stood by my side. Each joy I face, you are the first I run to with good news and you have weathered storms by my side that others would not dare even face. You have been a beacon of care to myself, our family, and the community you serve day in and day out. You are my rock, my inspiration, my muse. My everything. Truly I tell you, this story could not have been if it weren’t for you. Without you, the romance in these pages could not have come to life. You taught me the magical awe of true love and the way that it changes your entire world. Without you, it would have been impossible for me to seek the words to describe the majesty of love. Though perhaps the phrases I have used to describe the love these characters share, words will never be sufficient to describe the love I share with you. You are my world Dimitri and I am so honored to call you my husband each day. Ti amo con tutto cio che sono.

[andersonlovers-blog]

Jolie Drabble

Most girls Jolie’s age would have had just the opposite reaction to everything. They would have been horrified to learn they were pregnant and ecstatic (or at least relieved) to learn they wouldn’t become a mother. But Jolie had never been like other girls her age. Why start with this? She had been silently excited for weeks since she had found out, spent hours in front of her mirror, running her hands over her stomach. She couldn’t wait to be a mother. It was the one thing she had always wanted that didn’t change with the next season’s fashion shows. She hadn’t told her parents yet of course—she wanted to wait until it was too late for them to even try to change her mind. Mother was going to be furious no doubt. Papa would give her that little “I’m disappointed in you” face and forgive her within an hour. Daddy would probably be upset, but he would see sense soon enough. She wanted to be a mother and she was ready to be. This would be wonderful.

But ever since the doctor said she wouldn’t be a mother after all, she just stared at the tiled floor, nothing else the woman said really registering. She hadn’t really been worried by the abdominal pain, she assumed that was just part of being pregnant. Honestly, she wasn’t that concerned when she’d passed out either. Girls at her high-end prep school were passing out all the time for all kinds of reasons. But when she’d gone to the bathroom and seen a significant amount of blood, well, even a fifteen-year-old knew that wasn’t a good sign when you were pregnant. She’d called for a car and rushed out of the school paying no mind to the protesting secretary. The last time she’d been here, it was to confirm what the home test had told her. The last time she’d been here they’d told her it was too soon for any real ultrasound. Now they were telling her there would never really be one.

She’d thought her dreams had come true when she got that first positive test. Sure, she maybe was a little young yet, but why wait when your wishes were already becoming reality. Yes, she could be a bit cold and more than a little judgmental, but she always wanted to be a mother, ever since she was a little toddler helping out with Baby Bash. And if there was anything her father’s traumatic battle with cancer had taught her, it was that having someone who loved you romantically and children to surround yourself with could mean everything in the world. It had been just over a month since she’d found out, but she’d figured out everything already. A corner of her room would become the nursery, painted in a beautiful non-gendered teal. She’d narrowed it down to two cribs. Already, she’d bought a handful of onesies and adorable baby socks. It would be named Ainsley Katherine if it was a girl. Anton Kennedy if it was a boy. She wasn’t exactly sure who the father was—there were three possibilities by her account (Joe Walsh, captain of the JV football team, Alexander Prescott, a friend of Gabe’s, and James Crawford, her history teacher). She’d find out who the father was after her baby was born. She would love to have him—whichever he was—in their life, but she was lucky, thanks to her family’s good name and better bank accounts, she would survive just fine without him. She was going to be a mother and it was going to be amazing.

Except it wouldn’t be.

“I don’t— So I had a miscarriage?” she said, her voice weak but enough to interrupt the doctor.

“No, not exactly. A miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy are very diff—”

“So am I going to be a mother or not?”

“Jolie—”

“Yes or no?!” she heard the break in her own voice as much as she felt the break in her heart.

“No. No sweetie, I’m sorry. But really, we’re lucky the egg stopped growing and—”

“Stop.” Lucky? How could anyone call this luck? Her soul broke, she could feel the tears rising up in her eyes. Her heart was in her throat. She couldn’t breathe. She grabbed her school bag quickly heading for the door. “Just don’t.”

“Miss Ken—”

“It’s Anderson-Kent!” she screamed, “and if I’m not pregnant, I really don’t have any use for you.”

“We should really talk about what this means for your future fertility and—”

“I said I don’t have any use for you!” She stormed out of the office, already calling the car service for pick up. She didn’t want to hear anything the doctor had to say. But that didn’t keep her from googling the words she’d used, shaking as she scrolled through the endless results.

Potentially fatal.

Non-viable fetus.

Future fertility issues.

Possibility of viable future pregnancies can drop as low as 60%.

By the time the car got there, she was barely keeping it together. She’d lost her immediate dream already. Was she really losing all future hope of it as well? She was only fifteen. How could she be losing all this already? It didn’t feel real.

“Keep the partition up,” she gasped as she all but dove into the car.

“Miss are you—”

“I said keep the partition up!!” Had it been a driver less accustomed to her moods, his fingers would have been smashed in the car’s slamming door.

But as soon as it was shut, the girl who always kept everything together in front of everyone fell apart. The sobs overtook her, she pulled her knees to her chest, burying her head in them. The past few weeks had felt wonderful. She was just awaiting the day she could share her amazing news with the world. Now there was nothing but bad news for now and for the future. It was all falling apart. She sobbed until she couldn’t any more. Until, by the time she got home, all she felt was an empty numbness.

“Mon cheri, what are you doing home from school so early?”

“I’m sick,” her voice was empty and she walked right past her Papa whom she loved so much going straight to her bedroom. She kept herself locked there for over a week just staring at the walls feeling nothing. She told everyone it was the flu. It was easier than admitting the truth. How could she admit the thing she wanted most would never be? Or at least had a strong chance that it wouldn’t. And she was only fifteen and it was all gone.

She lay there for some time. Letting her feel. Keeping herself from feeling. Let herself feel sorry for herself. But it wasn’t in her to stay that way. She was a strong girl who’d picked herself up already a dozen times. Maybe the things she’d hoped for wouldn’t come true. But she was Jolie fucking Anderson-Kent. She wouldn’t just survive this. Andersons didn’t just survive. They thrived. No matter what. And maybe she’d lost so much, but as heartbroken as she was, she would find her way somehow. By her sixteenth birthday, she’d made up her mind. If she couldn’t have the one thing she always wanted? Then she’d make damn sure she got everything else.

[andersonlovers-blog]

Xavier Bio

To say Xavier had everything in his youth is no mean an overstatement. He was from an excellent family—both loving and wealthy, only leaving him wanting for breathing room which he could easily find with Bash. He did well in school, always in the honor roll, even if it didn’t always come easily. He was very popular at school—a wealth of friends, always a girlfriend when he wanted one, an active social life, homecoming court and prom king. Early acceptance and full rides at a handful of college, including his first-choice USC. And then there was sports. Cross-country. Star soccer player. Co-captain of the lacrosse team. Captain of the football team. They weren’t just his constant extracurriculars, they were what he loved. They were his passion. The same way film and his mother made his father happy, sports did the same for him. They brought him to life and he never felt more himself than when he was in the middle of a field, dripping with sweat, and panting so hard he could hardly believe.

He was a good kid and a good friend too. He was the guy you could always count on to show up to a party and liven it up, but also the one who’d made sure you got home safe at the end of the night. But not all high school students are so careful. It was the captain of the soccer team, they weren’t close but if you’d asked him, he would have said he was a friend. They’d just beaten their biggest rivals and Connor had had far too much to drink and decided getting in a car and trying to play high-speed chicken with the car coming toward him was a good idea. Maybe he knew Xavier was driving the other car, maybe he didn’t. It never really mattered. What mattered was the crushed knee-cap that took months of therapy to heal, the broken shoulder and rotator cuff that still ache in rainstorms, the punctured lung that put a nail in the coffin of any sports career he may have ever had, and every school—including USC—wholly or largely cutting his scholarships. It wasn’t that he needed them, but it was the precedence of the matter. What mattered most was the doctor’s words a full month after all his surgeries. Mild exercise is best. Less exhaustive, non-contact sports. But any kind of aggressive actions or high-exertion sports are simply too much of a risk Xavier. It really always will be.

The lawyers told him if he talked about how Connor’s actions wrecked his life he’d get a longer sentence. Talk about how they ripped away the scholarships he’d worked years to earn. Talk about how the medical bills would have crippled any other family. Talk about how, three months later, he still wasn’t fully healed. Talk about how, instead of playing in the lacrosse state finals he’d helped his team qualify for, he was in a medically induced coma healing from the accident. And he thought about it. But when it came down to it, when he was sitting on the stand, he just didn’t see the point. I’ve known Connor since we played t-ball together when I was seven. We’ve been teammates for years. He’s a good guy who made a bad mistake. And I forgive him. It wasn’t a lie, not exactly. But it certainly wasn’t the truth. But his life was ruined, why did Connor’s need to be? It didn’t fix anything. It didn’t fix his shattered dreams any more than it did his shattered knee.

It wasn’t like he’d put all his plans in going pro. Or even fully planned on going pro at all. But…what else was there? What was there outside of sports? They’d been his entire life for his entire life. He felt lost. Confused. He didn’t know where to go or what to do or what his future would be. He’d never once considered not going to USC. But ever since they dropped his athletic scholarship, it left a bitter taste in his mouth. He couldn’t play. He couldn’t go to USC.

He’d been so caught up in how much he loved athletics he’d never actually put any thought into what he was going to study or actually do with his life. Even with the breaks his teachers were giving him, his grades slipped. He didn’t know what he was going to do. You’re a smart boy, you’ll figure it out. That’s what everybody said. Mom, Dad, Bas, everyone. But he’s been in college at UCLA for two and a half years and he still doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s studying Biology, mostly planning to go into physical therapy, but that doesn’t really matter to him. He doesn’t feel any passion like he did with playing. And that’s where he’s stuck. “Not close enough.” It’s been nearly three years and he still feels just as lost as the day he woke up in the hospital bed. He doesn’t know where his life is going or what the hell he’s supposed to do, but he hopes he can figure it out. Ideally before he graduates.

[megamaraudersfan]

oh precious

[andersonlovers-blog]

THAT BODY THO