Remember Who You Think I Am || Solo
Andrew sat upright in his bed. He watched the door intently, just as he had done the previous night, and just like the previous night, no one came. His head leaned back into the soft down pillow. ‘What’s the point,’ he thought, ‘Xander’s gone and at this point I’m sure he isn’t coming back. It’s probably my fault anyway. People are always there before I show up, but they also have this nasty habit of leaving in some way after I’ve been around.’ Andrew didn’t want to think anymore. It was nearly two o’clock in the morning and he still had to meet with Renee the next day. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to fall asleep. To escape what was happening in real life, to enter a dream where, hopefully, things went better for him. A dream where people didn’t die or leave when he was around. He needed a dream like that, but most of all he needed relief from the constant pain that the past two days had brought.
He woke with a shock. How long had he been asleep? It felt like forever. Andrew glanced over to where the clock usually sat on the bedside table, but he came across something strange. There wasn’t a clock. In fact, there wasn’t a bedside table. Upon further inspection, Andrew discovered that there wasn’t even a bed. Somehow he had woken up on the couch. He pulled his cell phone out of his pants pocket and checked the time. “3:00 AM” it read in bright white numbers and letters. The phone slid back into his pocket and Andrew looked around. Dizzy and still out of it from his hour long nap, Andrew didn’t know what he was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t what he found. He opened the door to his bedroom and there slept Xander Harris.
Andrew remembered this night. He remembered it like you’d remember the best Christmas of your childhood, and now he got to relive it. “Thank you,” he whispered, thanking what or who ever gave him this escape from his current life. Carefully and with purpose Andrew stepped towards the bed, Xander sleeping in the middle of it.
“Xander,” He said, not loud enough to really wake Xander, “It’s really cold in the living room. Do you mind if I sneak in here?” Xander mumbled something in reply that Andrew couldn’t understand, but he took it as a yes anyway. He lifted the blanket to the left of Xander and crawled into the bed. His eyes closed and he inhaled. He smelled that Xander-y smell that he’d missed. Then a bit of weight was placed onto Andrew’s side. It was Xander’s arm, holding him close. Andrew’s hand reached to Xander’s and their fingers locked together, tight, braced for anything. But Andrew knew that wasn’t true. They weren’t braced for what would happen.
Andrew woke up again. This time not on the couch, but in the bedroom once more. Without even checking he knew that this too was a memory in the form of a dream, because he heard a familiar noise. Another one of his favorite nights. He leapt out of the bed, tossing the blankets onto the ground, and followed the sound of the starship Enterprise.
“Next Gen?” Andrew asked as he entered the living room. Xander sat on the couch, a bucket of popcorn in his lap. Taking the spot next to him, Andrew leaned in. He felt the weight of Xander’s arm again, this time on his shoulder. His hand grabbed as much popcorn as he could and then shoved it into his mouth. Something struck Andrew. In his mind he was always disappointed that he couldn’t give Xander any grand gestures, but now it was clear that the moments that stuck out to Andrew were never the grand things. Never the kiss in the sewer after defeating a demon, or a trip to Liberty Island. The best moments were the small ones. Every hug, every peck on the cheek, every snuggle in the big warm bed that they had shared, those all stuck out in Andrew’s mind. When he’s old and senile he might forget the biggest things in his life, but he’ll never forget the small stuff with Xander, because that’s what matters to him.
He woke up a third time. This time it wasn’t a memory. This was new. Andrew looked around and saw nothingness. A black abyss. Then he heard it. Not the sound of the starship Enterprise again, but a song. A song that he didn’t even like to think about anymore. “Bring Me Close” by Mindy Gledhill echoed through the darkness that engulfed him. Although, it wasn’t entirely darkness, a glimmer of light sparked in the distance. Step by step Andrew worked his way to the little bit of color in this enormous space until he could make out what it was, or rather who it was. It was Xander. Of course. Had to be.
“Xander?” Andrew’s own voice surprised him. He hadn’t spoken to anyone in person since Xander left.
“Hey, Andd.” This Xander came back. “I need something from you.”
“What’s that?” Andrew felt wonderful. This was the first conversation he’d had with Xander in weeks. Sure it wasn’t real, but it felt real. It felt like a new start for them, but deep in his gut Andrew knew it was a lie. A dream that created what he truly desired. Another chance.
“Help me.” The dream Xander kept speaking.
“Help you with what?” Andrew was confused. What could this Xander want? Was it a message from the real Xander? He’d read about astral projections, maybe this was a type of that. The dream Xander brought Andrew close. Andrew could feel Xander’s breath on his lips.
“Just help.” Said Xander. He leaned in to kiss Andrew, but their lips never connected.
Andrew woke up one last time. This time he was back in the bedroom, back to reality. He wanted to give anything to go back and relive those memories once more, to be happy again, to have Xander back home and back to normal. Those things weren’t happening though. Andrew pushed the covers aside and climbed out of the bed. He walked to the closet and found what he was after. In the corner of the closet was a wadded up white T-shirt. Andrew lifted it up and held it out, showing every wrinkle, tear, and grease stain that the shirt had to offer. He laid the shirt out on the bed, spreading it in the center. Next he lay down to the left of the shirt, bringing a sleeve to rest on his side.
This was all he had left of him. The only memory he could constantly keep was this stained ripped shirt that Xander barely even wore. But Xander had worn it. And it did have that scent. That scent of masculinity, of protection, of safety, of a little bit of pine and a touch of bubble gum that Xander had been chewing that day. Andrew inhaled and smelled all of those things. He smelled memories. He smelled happiness. He smelled Xander. All of the things Andrew had lost.
“Help me,” The voice of Xander from his dream echoed through his mind as he fell asleep with the T-shirt draped over him. Andrew didn’t know what he needed to help with.
“Just help,” But he was going to help.