farragoes

you are all that i need. but we can never be.

[anecdotesandmusings]

STILL

I am back. Been gone since forever and now I am writing because I just felt like I have to. It’s this time of the year again. The time when I have to let all my thoughts out. My thoughts about you, about us. I have promised myself a lot of times already. That I’m not writing on this day, about you, anymore. But I just can’t help it. I wish I could spend this day with you. I wish I was there when you closed your eyes and made your wish. I wish I was the one lying next to you or holding your hands. I wish I was the one you were making memories with. I wish I was that person you spend your forever with. I wish I was not wishing all these. I just wish I could move on now and that this pain would end. I wish my heartbeat could stop in an instant. I wish I could just forget you, everything about you, right now. I’ve had these wish for as long as I can remember and honestly, I have no idea how long this will go on. And it hurts so much. But I don’t know what to do. Please let me live my life. Please let me be happy, too. D.

[anecdotesandmusings]

Hindi ko alam kung paano nangyari o sa kung paano nagsimula basta ang tanging batid ko, nagwakas na ang lahat, nang hindi ko inaasahan. Nang hindi ko namamalayan. Nang ganun kabilis. Sa kung gaano kita katagal minahal, ganun din kabilis kang naglaho. Ni hindi ko man lang naramdaman, parang hangin lang na dumaan. Ni hindi narinig mula sa iyo, na namutawi sa mga labi mo, ang mga sagot sa mga tanong ko kung bakit at kung paano. Paano ba akong magpapatuloy kung ganito? Paanong lilipas ang mga araw ko na alam kong sa kinabukasan pagmulat nitong mga mata ko wala nang nagiisang tao na bumabanggit sa pangalan ko nang ubod ng tamis, tila musika sa pandinig? Paanong magpapatuloy ako kung alam kong sa bawat araw na darating, o kailan man, kahit sandali man lang, kahit panakaw lang, di na kita maaring makapiling. Paano na? Eh di wow.

[anecdotesandmusings]

Two years ago today. When I broke my promise.

[anecdotesandmusings]

untitled

Today is your day, my love. My stubborn heart brought me here again. I promised myself I would never do the things I used to do. And that I'd stop writing you or about you, on a day like today. But yeah, here I am. It is your day and I know that you are happy. I saw you and you looked alright. You are happy. That's all I want you to be. I wanted to greet you on your wall. I just can't bring myself to. At the back of my head I am hoping that somehow, you were waiting for a message from me. Nah. You looked happy and I think you are. There is no way you would think about me today. There is no way you'd think about me anytime either. But still. I wish you happiness. Genuinely, sincerely happy. And I, too, genuinely, sincerely wish I would never write like this again next year. Please don't make me write again. Just don't give me hope that's all. D.

[anecdotesandmusings]

Labimpitong Taon

Labimpitong taon ng paghihintay. Patuloy na umaasa, itong puso kong walang ibang mithi kundi ikaw lamang. Wala naman nagsabi na umasa pa ako o manatiling maghintay sa'yo. Pero ewan ko ba bakit nagkaganito. Basta ang alam ko, kusang itinaga sa bato nitong puso ko, na tila may sarili isip na ikaw ay patuloy na hangaring makasama, kahit man lang nga sa panaginip. Hinintay kita at hinihintay pa rin Bagamat batid kong wala na ni katiting na pagasa. walang ibang hiling, kahit sa pangarap na lang ikaw ay mayakap at makapiling. Sa loob ng labimpitong taon ikaw lang ang minahal, minamahal at mamahalin pa, hanggang sa huling patak ng luha, sa huling pagpikit ng aking mga mata. Ikaw lang wala ng iba. Ang labimpitong taon, tiyak na madadagdagan pa. D.

[anecdotesandmusings]

When you feel like it doesn't hurt anymore. When you all think about when you look back was how good it felt. When you just smile and think of how lucky you were, you had the chance to be with him. When you realize that no matter how much you want to be with him again, you can't. Because it is impossible and you simply can't. Then it all start to sink in. And you take it as it is. That's when you know it's over. It's really over. D.

[anecdotesandmusings]

It is my day today. I usually write when the day's over but today is an exception. I am writing before my day actually starts. Thirty five years of existence, whew. Not long enough, but it's getting tough I must admit. As I age, I begin to realize some things that matter most. There were so many I should have done, but never did.

[anecdotesandmusings]

Hello there, September!

Haven't written in a while. It's not because I was too busy or I didn't have anything to write. I simply just couldn't write. I was worried that if I start writing, I wouldn't be able stop. And now that I have gathered enough courage to pen my thoughts, I'm chickening out again. Looking back at how this year began, it was a pretty promising year. It started nice and mellow and cool. But then again, slowly, falling steeply. It's stifling. It feels like I am about to hit rock bottom soon. Emotionally, yeah. I was given this hope. Almost two years ago, I was given this hope that maybe, just maybe, I'd finally have this chance to be with that one person I have always longed for. I, for once, became happy. I was happy everytime ai was with hime. I never felt any happier, blessed. Yeah, couldn't have felt any better than that. When I was with him it was heaven. Bliss indeed. But hell yeah, it never lasted.

[anecdotesandmusings]

Year Ender.

First day of the new year just passed, like a blink of an eye. Time flies and it’s unbelievably fast. So many things happened last year. And like I always say, it was bittersweet. Loss of a loved one, then gaining newfound friends. In the end, it was an awesome ride. A farrgo of emotion, indeed. I loved last year as if it was my favorite of all. I was able to be with that person, for a moment. It was a dream come true. Something that I have always dreamed of and wished for. Like a kid begging for a new doll house and waiting for Santa. And even if it was just for a moment, I was extremely happy. I loved that moment. And I know that for every chance there is just to be with him again, I ’d always be willing to trade one tomorrow. If only that’s possible. This new year I would still have the same old resolutions. One is to not have any resolutions at all. Yeah, I’m a dumdum for saying such. I just want to be happy. I want to live my life. That’s all. And the same old hopes: good health for loved ones, especially mom and dad, more opportunities and more students of course, more adventures and fun with family and friends. And yes, I know I don’t even have to say this but my hand just keeps typing, lol, I wish to be with him again. I know it’s as impossible as being able to pick the stars but it’s just me. And hey, everyone’s free to wish. Happy 2016! More wealth and good health for everyone. No to heartaches please. I only have me in this. D.

[anecdotesandmusings]

a day and a half or so...

It's so soon I can count the hours. And I miss him badly. But I can't do anything about it. I've gotta move on, I know. But my heart has a mind of it's own. And I am truly jaded that I am on the verge of completely giving up. But my heart still says no, wait a little longer. Until longer becomes forever. Now, I want to cry. Not because I am too sad nor I'm missing him so much. I want to cry because I can't cry any more. I want to burst out, I want to release all my thoughts but everytime I try to, I become numb. I guess I have become numb. I have loved him for the longest time that I have become dysfunctional, completely. And I am exhausted. He made me feel so exhausted. And I am beginning to think that I should let go. But my heart says no, wait a little longer. And it's the same process everytime. D.

[anecdotesandmusings]

Life Lately vol.

How I wish I could rewind the time. I want to go back to those days when life was carefree adn simple. What has happened to me? Why does it have to be this complicated? How do I escape from this? Gosh.

[anecdotesandmusings]

Just Nothing

It was past 3 in the morning. I was drunk and I was with friends. We pulled over near his place and he was there. And he saw me and nothing. Yeah, nothing. I just wanted to catch a glimpse of him. I was not even expecting he would be there, given the time. I was just hoping. I was also hoping that he would react positively. But nothing. And it hurt. It killed my drunkeness and made me realize there was nothing. Or is it too early to think too much and think ahead? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt? It stings and hurts like hell. But I don't have the right to complain, do I? I have chosen this situation for myself to deal with. So might as well learn how to handle the pain. I have the choice. I am just to scared to make a decision right now. I just can't. D.

[anecdotesandmusings]

Flashback

I can still remember this feeling as if it was just yesterday. Those images of you, I still vividly recall. Every moment and every detail. How can I actually forget something that I have always wanted and waited to happen for the longest time? Last night, after a year, who would have thought same thing would happen? To be honest I was already hoping for it. I wanted to see him and check if he also remembered that day. I wished to see him but was too skeptical because of the obvious reasons.

[anecdotesandmusings]

HBD

Exactly two hours and 36 minutes past from his day. It was two years ago, if my memory serves me right, when I told myself that finally, I was all over him. Completely over. And that I was ready to move on and start anew. Find a new love or whatever, just forget everything about him. But how come I am here now? Why am have I been thinking about him, again.

[anecdotesandmusings]

But I love you still... D.

[anecdotesandmusings]

I just turned a year older again. Whenever I think of how fast the time flies, it often stupifies me. Where have all my youth and memories gone? I used to be a kid who was blithe and insouciant. I played and studied, those were my duties as a kid. But now I have to work my ass off and teach and explain till my throat burst and and deal with all the things this life offers, which unfortunately, includes troubles and heartaches. Another year older. I spent my birthday the usual way. I had fun and drank with my friends and family, the closest people I've got. And then there was him.

[anecdotesandmusings]

He said he wanted to hang out because he might not be able to see me on my birthday. How am I supposed to feel? Then he said he missed me. I know I am no longer a teenager but somehow it felt good when I heard it. Why? Because he said the words I longed to hear sixteen years ago.