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@anewjen-blog
The Narc Vs a Real Parent
I am beyond frustrated with the ex. His narcissistic tendencies are bleeding over into his lack of parental duties. He is consumed with dating sites and going out. Leaving our son behind or with me (no complaints there).
Our son suffered a hand injury last week. I spent a buttload of money on medications, bandages and an ER copay. The ex didnāt even bother to check on him. Then took the bag of supplies I had made up to send to his house (god knows he wouldnāt get up to get his own supplies.) He sent my son home after his visit with no medications, no backpack, none of the clothes I have purchased because he already took everything. I asked him to drop the items off in the morning. He text āokayā. Thatās hopeful š
This afternoon I text him specific instructions for my sons big field trip of the year. Unfortunately itās on āhisā day. I gave him a rundown of items needed and told him our son needed to be at school early. I even offered to pack the required lunch if heād just pick it up on the way to school. I got one of these šš».
His fuckery is getting old. He is the shitties parent Iāve ever seen. Disneyland dad if he actually went to Disneyland. But the worst of the worst? He moved in with his handicapped mother after I left. I told my friends that he would either kill her off or run her off so that he could take her house. I said it in half jest but that is the kind of person he is. Narcissist to the core. Well it happened. He informed me yesterday that the house is his now and that his mother is moving to another city (into a single wide trailer). This MF will destroy anyone in his path. Take and take and take. He regrets nothing because the world owes him. My grandpa always told me I was too pretty to hate and I lived by that. Until now. If he fell off a cliff I wouldnāt give two shits.
Thatās a fact!
And from the chaos of her soul there flowered beautyĀ
i am mine before i am ever anyone elseāsĀ
But with every falling apart there is a coming together
My cat came back this morning!! He ran away after the move! I woke up at 4AM thinking about him so much! I sat on the porch with my coffee looking at pics to find the best one for a missing flyer. In the dark I heard a meow! There he was sitting on the sidewalk watching me!! I felt him! I missed him and loved him enough that he found his way home to me!! Belly full and scratched! Heās back! Manifested out of love ā¤ļø
I canāt wait for this day to come!
#newyearnewme
Better Everyday
The sun shines brighter a little more every day. I am feeling a routine and a comfort in my new life. Iām taking care of me. A new version is emerging and I like it. Love it actually. Iām happy and I am free.
Good Morning āļø
Itās a brighter day! Even being at work feels good! I went to bed early last night! Slept well! Itās wonderful knowing exactly where my things are! Funny how nothing goes missing anymore. Itās a power thing for narcs. They enjoy the chaos they subject you too. I had a friend once who told me about his ex and missing items. Tweezers to be exact. Where are the tweezers? (Mine are in the bathroom where they belong) sheād tell him to look on the shelf over there behind that thing or maybe the drawer next to the whatever! Just bullshit chaos. How they live like that is beyond me. They seem to thrive in it. Iām thriving in the know!! Know when and where to be. Know what needs to be done. Know where the items that need doing are. My life has order now. An appropriate place for everything including myself.
Everyday gets a little easier. The fear is there. I constantly have to tell myself to breathe. Itāll be okay. You work hard and youāll always have enough. I hope those fears subside over time. I hope one day to just be. For now Iāll live in the moment. Enjoy my new freedom. Keep loving me. Eating healthy and going to the gym. Finding what I lost and becoming whole again.
Another New Day
He told our son that he didnāt sleep well. Always the victim and poor me guy. Canāt you ever just smile and give your son a moment of happiness? Yes, I slept like a dream! Have a great day at school son, I love you! It canāt ever be simple with him. Everyone should be concerned and worried about him. He is ALL that matters, donāt you know? He doesnāt matter. Not to me anymore. Heās a shell. Empty of empathy and devoid of emotion. I matter now. That is my focus. The kids are too of course. But who am I to them if I donāt know who I am to me? Thatās what Iām figuring out day by day. Sometimes minute by minute.
Itās the last day of my āweekendā. Back to work tomorrow. Four 12 hour shifts. At least I donāt have to find things to do. Itās waiting for me to do it lol. The agenda...eat (healthy), gym (cardio), walk dogs, clean out the car. Grocery shopping (minimal with only two mouths to feed). Seems boring and redundant but itās a plan. Itās actions. Itās movement. Itās caring for myself and my son. One day at a time. Itās all I can ask of myself. Task by task I become more accomplished. I thrive. Iām a little less sad than yesterday. Less confused than last night.
In Darkness
The end of another day. Today was at least productive and healthy. Food prep and a training session at the gym. Itās hard to start over, literally in every aspect. When I was healthier physically my mind was still in the narcissists fog. But the fog has lifted and itās my time to take the journey again. My hope is to heal body, mind and spirit as a whole. Become one with myself so that none of the negative can break my new found barriers. Fall in love with ME!
My son is tucked in. Safe and content as he can be in a new and different place. Heās handling it well. Better that I at times. Iām a fantastic actress apparently. He doesnāt seem to see his moms fears and apprehensive mindset. I love him. I love all my boys. That canāt be faked so I know they know. Itās enough sometimes to know that I have shown them real love. Not fake , entitled bullshit that my ex showed them. The older boys see him for what he is and they are thrilled with my narrow escape. Weāve reconnected. ā¤ļø
Now itās time to rest. Sleep in my bed. Free of worry that I may be touched unwillingly. Or preyed upon in slumber. No one wakes me from a dead sleep to scream in my face anymore. No one keeps me up until Iām so exhausted I can hardly function. I guess that is progress in and of itself. Iāll take the baby steps, as long as they continue forward and never back.