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my mother's laughter: a poem by Manya.

— Khalil Gibran, from The Prophet (Knopf, 1923) (via lunamonchtuna)

Of chasing around and regrets

I. I... became a ghost and ran away in a jiffy not because I don't feel anything for you but because you were the scariest ghost that I ever saw. You scared the hell out of me with your promise that you'll take very good care of me at the time when I felt that the planet earth is better off without me, and so I ran... without saying goodbye. Without telling you that I'm running away because you're scary as hell, because I'm so fucking scared of saying yes that day but will just mess it up after a few days and I'll lose you forever.

II. 9. Freaking. Years.

Went by, and on that faithful 30th of May, I saw you, walking towards me to pick me up, and it's as if time slows down, it's as if every millisecond became so slow, they say slow-mo moment only happens in movies but they were wrong darling, because you gave me my slow mo on that 30th of May.

III. I had you for myself for only 2 days and yet that was more than enough for me to realize what I had thrown away before just because I was stupid, just because I was not courageous enough, just because I still want to chase around when all along the person that I can call my home is just waiting for me.

IV. I told you, feel free to express any anger you have towards me, but darling, I wasn't prepared for that. I wasn't prepared for the pain that you prepared for me. And it shook me to my core. It broke me into a million more pieces. A new wave of pain, but this time, more intense, more nerve wracking.

V. And yet, I still keep on praying silently, for the universe to shower you with all the splendid things your genuine heart deserves. Still on silently wishing that maybe, just maybe, in the future, we can give it another go? If I can have another chance? Or should I say now, with finality that,

My darling, do you believe in parallel universe?

Maybe in that universe, we are together.

#diary

I don't know why I subject myself to things that will only bring me pain. I'm not even a masochist lol. So, I did some stalking on your twitter account and I saw some tweets that I think was for your ex. I know, I know, I don't have any right, even a tiny bit amount to get jealous but damn it's like a hundred needles is simultaneously stabbing my heart. What I would give just to experience that. A tweet where you're longing for her. God knows how many times I am praying that I will cross your mind even just for 60 seconds. But I don't know, I don't wanna doubt God's generosity, no, I will not entertain even the thought of it but I don't know. I just feel like... damn do not doubt self.

I'm someone who walks away so easily when I feel like it will only hurt me in the end, but with you, damn, it is so fucking hard to walk away from you. And although I am trying to keep my distance, deep inside, just one word from you and you can expect that I'll come running faster than lightning mcqueen.

Sometimes I can't help but to ask why you? All of the guys out there why you? But then, you make me calm so serenely calm whenever we talk that that question will just disappear. But there are times that you are hurting me. A lot. I am not yet inlove with you, (thank heavens) but I like you. A lot. That it hurts already.

Sabi ko sa'yo dati pwede mo akong gawing pahinga mo. Gusto ko na kapag dumadating ka sa puntong napapagod ka sa maingay na mundong ito ay pupunta ka sa mga bisig ko at magpapahinga, huhugot ng lakas ng loob para muling sumabak sa laban ng buhay. Gusto ko din na ikaw ang maging pahinga ko. Payapa ang puso at utak ko kapag kausap kita. Kasing payapa ng dagat na naliliwanagan ng bilog na buwan.

Sana ako ang maging pahinga mo.

8.26

Was able to talk to you tonight. Glad to know that while nervous, you're doing fine (I hope you really are).

I wasn't able to stop myself and I told you that I'm missing you. I know I said before that I wouldn't say it anymore but I just can't help it. It's so freaking hard not to miss you. It's not hard not to miss talking to you when you can calm me. Yes you do, you give me the calmness that I haven't felt since July of last year up until April of this year.

elivanto

LEIA ORGANA and OBI-WAN KENOBI | 9BBY LUKE SKYWALKER and AHSOKA TANO | ca. 9ABY

Then I met someone, actually, I had a crush on him it’s just that there’s someone beside him who was more crush worthy so I stopped myself from reaching out to him not until the last few weeks before the election. And when I got to talk to him, it made me feel so regretful, why didn’t I reach out to him before. Just like that before sunrise line, I wish I had met you earlier, I really like talking to you. When I’m talking to him, I feel so calm which I never felt for so long. He’s a breath of fresh crisp air on a chilly morning. When I’m talking to him, time moves so fast that I want to pluck the hands of clock to stop it. I don’t know how he do it but I sleep really well when he bids me good night.

But we’re talking about me here, and whenever I like a guy first, it always ends up in a bad way. So this guy that I’m talking about, he’s someone that will never be mine. Because you see, he’s on a different world. He doesn’t even like me and may never like me if the circumstances were different. But my stubborn heart wouldn’t want to accept that truth, so here I am, waiting and watching him from afar.

We both love kdrama! We both even like twice. Ha, if that even matters. He is funny. Talking with him is so easy. If only everything else can be easy too.

I miss talking to him, I think of him everyday, but I know that he doesn’t. I try to play it cool but deep inside it’s so painful that it’s affecting me physically too.

I often wonder if I’m cursed in this lifetime? Am I paying for the sins of my past life? What atrocious crime did I do on my past life that I am experiencing this? Is it that selfish and impossible to wish for the person I like to like me back? Am I really doomed?

I read my previous posts a few days ago and it was funny trying to recall the guy behind some of my posts. But then it made me realize that shit, after all these years, 1 baby after (which I am raising alone btw), I am still having the same problem. Boy problem.

After giving birth to my son, I swear I would never date again, I thought I had enough, I’ve seen enough, I got memories to last me by a lifetime. But then my clever heart tried to take a risk again, but we all know what happened. Yes, my old friend, rejection. After 3 or 4 crying session at Manila Cathedral’s adoration chapel, I swore to never date again. Or to even like someone.

After getting diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1, I became more cautious with the decisions I make (well, not all of them lol), then I met a guy and I thought to myself okay fine, let’s just settle with this one. He doesn’t have the qualities I’m looking for, and we’re the exact opposite, and I had to suppress who I really am, but fuck it, maybe this is all I’m getting in this lifetime so yeah whatever let’s just settle with this one. But then that decision almost cause me my life. Because as it turns out, and I will get this realization a little late, he was not good for my mental health. We talked for almost 10 or 11 months and those were pure torture. Never had a full day that I was not triggered, and I’m a person with bipolar that don’t do self harm, but with him, it started with minor things, then it escalated wherein I have to hide my left leg because it was covered in bruises, then the right leg after, broke my eyeglasses, pulled a thick strand of hairs, wounded hands, then the last one, broke a glass cup on my head and ended up with 3 stitches on the head and 5 stitches on my right pinky finger which now hurts when it’s cold.

(continuing on a new post)

Hey you,

Congratulations on your graduation! Magna cum laude! So very proud of you. I’m excited for what the universe and heavens has in store for you. I am and will always be a silent supporter. I might send you a message or two from time to time but that’s just the surface. In a short span of time, I already have many things to say to you. I am regretting a tiny bit why I approached you, I should’ve just looked at you from afar, because now, it’s much more difficult to walk away from you.

I still want to be your pahinga when everything around you becomes so noisy, I want to give you the peace that you’re seeking. I still want to be the person that will make you calm down when everything is just too much and overwhelming, Still want to be that person who will hug you tight for hours on end or until you fall asleep. I still hope to be the person who will make you smile, aside from your very cute nephew.

I miss you so much, fluffy.

Hi Fluffly,

Alam ko na maaaring hindi mo mababasa ‘to ever. At hindi ko rin naman ipapaalam na gumawa ako ng sulat for you. (Well shallow surface pa lang ito ng mga bagay na sasabihin ko sa’yo pero bahala na)

Matagal na kitang gusto. It may seem OA pero hindi pa kita kilala gusto na kita (if ever such a thing should occur), and when I got the chance to talk to you I just proved further na omg tamang tao ka nga, kasi at those brief moments I spent with you, those are the calmest moments I ever experienced ever since getting diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1, alam mo, with those brief moments I spent with you, I proved that there are people that are good and not good for your mental health.

Ang OA nito noh, for you, oo sobrang OA it may seem, but for me, fluffy, sobrang thankful ako. Kasi alam mo, you came at the right moment. You came at the moment when I’m all tired and just want to give up, but you, you gave me another reason why I should not give up. Thank you fluffy. Sobrang thank you.

I miss you, sobra, I miss you so much, pero dito ko na lang sasabihin. Sa space na hindi mo alam at hindi mo mababasa. Thank you fluffy. I miss you so much.

Today work-wise was better, went solo today because my work buddy was out sick. But everything else felt heavy. Felt so sleepy but I’m having a hard time sleeping since the voices are somewhat back but I don’t want to take quetiapine to help me sleep and risk getting immune to it. Also felt like the time is moving so slow today or maybe because it was just gloomy and I’m not doing something productive.

I thought of you today, I wanted to send you a message but got afraid that it might just irritate you instead of making you happy.

Saw a photo of before sunrise with the lines:

“I wish I had met you earlier. I really like talking to you.”

Was hesitant to share it on my wall at first because you might think that it’s about you (it is) but then I went oh well, you wouldn’t see it anyway or you wouldn’t care if it passes on your feed.

I really want tell you I miss you because I do, a lot. But I don’t have the courage to do. So I just whispered it into the air, out into the universe, hoping that the wind will take that message to you.

I miss you Fluffy.

Hi Fluffy,

I miss you today. I hope you’re doing well and that you’re happy. I’m hoping that even for a few seconds I crossed your mind and maybe, just maybe, you realize that you’re missing me. I’ll still wait for you.

Hello Tumblr.

I’m back. I thought of writing on this corner again the other day but I put it off, I thought I can just keep everything on my mind and wait for it to pass but boy was I wrong.

I finally watched Heaven’s waiting (Hintayan ng Langit) tonight and I cried bucket of tears.

Maybe because I kind of want and not want a love like that. Or because of the idea that I might never experience that kind of love.

But more so because I thought of my dad.

Like the main actor in the film, he left without saying goodbye.

And I was never able to say goodbye.

And I felt a pang of guilt because there are days where I feel like his memories are slipping away and I’m not doing anything to prevent them. I don’t even know how his voice sounds like. You see tumblr, last October 2020, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type I and I will forever have these voices in my mind. I have maintenance meds to drown them out, but sometimes there are voices that still slips. And the other day, I wished to hear my dad’s voice again. I want to hear him call my name again, but because I don’t know how it sounds like anymore, what if he calls me and I don’t turn around because I’m not sure if it’s really him or just another voice in my head.

I felt guilty because he might think that we’re forgetting him and that we let him go completely. I already accepted his death, I’m already at peace knowing that he’s somewhere up there lounging and just having the dandiest time of his life. But I don’t want to forget him. No, I won’t.

Pa, I miss you.

It’s this coming saturday na!!!!! So why not take a break from your netflix series and watch this online concert with Bamboo and of course please donate any amount you can so we can help small business owners. Enjoy!!!!!

jakepullsthetrigger

EBE DANCEL, SANDWICH AND URBANDUB JAMMING TOGETHER! ISANG TINIG - TANDUAY ONLINE CONCERT HAPPENING ON TUESDAY, 7PM!

Hi guys! Sharing to everyone my first ever online concert project - Isang Tinig, Tanduay Online Concert, this coming April 28, from 7PM to 9PM, at the official page of Tanduay Rhum!! We have handpicked some OPM favourites to jam with us and Tanduay! This online concert is our own way of bringing everyone together and giving a big salute to all the people who are doing their parts in this battle - the front liners, the workers, the people who stay at home, the people who initiate or participate in volunteer works, the people who make the lockdown more bearable with amazing content, the people who make different forms of sacrifices, the nation. This is for everyone. We are one in this battle. Isang Tinig. Isang Lahit. Isang Tibay ng Loob.

So please please please, asking for your help to share this poster to your friends and family! Don’t forget to click going on the Facebook Events Page as well please!

We’ll be having a very nostalgic set! Imagine Ebe Dancel, Sandwich and Urbandub singing back-to-back-to-back? It’s exciting! So see you on Tuesday, 7PM at Tanduay Rhum’s Official Facebook Page!

Of letters, sentences and poems

My pen’s about to dry since it’s been a while since I last picked it up. My notebook’s about to crumble and turn to dust. How I badly wish that that we can purchase ideas for poems, stories or even just a recap of anything that happened with us on the corner store. Isn’t it cool if there’s a dollar store where you can purchase cheap vitamins that will make your engine come to life minus the hallmark-ish sugarcoating, masking away your life. I vow to pick up my pen, or use my phone to tap tap away and bring all ideas to life. I have to summon all power the universe has.

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