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Are you ready for an open relationship?

More and more couples are experimenting with having an open relationship - basically, a relationship where each partner is allowed to have other sexual partners outside the relationship. Open relationships are different from polyamorous relationships; typically, in an open relationship, the couple remains emotionally committed to each other and only allows sexual, non-romantic relationships outside of that couple. Open relationships can be a means to cope with long distance, avoid boredom, or just add some variety to your sex life. They work well for some people, but they do require extra communication if they’re going to work. If you and your partner are thinking about opening up your relationship, there are some important questions that the two of you need to discuss first. Namely:

Are both of you equally on board with opening the relationship? Or does one partner feel pressured into agreeing with it because they don’t want to lose the relationship? It’s okay if you’re both nervous or hesitant, but if one person is on board and the other one isn’t, that’s a recipe for disaster.

What are you hoping to get out of an open relationship? Why is this arrangement better for you? It’s okay if you both have different answers, but you should both be getting some benefit out of this. Neither of you should feel like you’re only tolerating this for your partner’s sake.

How much do you want to know about each other’s hookups? Do you have to notify your partner in advance when you’re going to hook up with someone? Do they want to hear the details? Or would they prefer not to know anything about it at all?

Are you allowed to hook up with people your partner knows, and vice versa? Are mutual friends off the table? Are you allowed to hook up with casual acquaintances, or people within your social circles? Or total strangers only?

Is your partner allowed to “veto” certain people that you might hook up with, and vice versa? Are there any potential hookups that are totally off the table? Do you have to give your partner a chance to veto a hookup beforehand?

Are you allowed to see the same person repeatedly outside of the relationship? Or is there a one-night-stand only rule?

Are you allowed to hook up with people within the same zip code? Some open arrangements only allow for hookups when one partner goes out of town.

How are you going to make sure that you’re both being safe and avoiding disease? Are condoms mandatory? Will you both agree to get tested regularly? The answer to both questions should be yes, but it’s important that you both understand how important it is.

What happens if one of you develops feelings for someone else? Do you have to tell your partner about it? Or just stop seeing the other person?

Is there an end date to the open relationship? Are you only open when you’re apart? Are you going to test this out for a “trial period” and then reassess if you like it? Are you going to continue to be open if/when you move in together, get married or have children?

What happens if one person wants to close the relationship? Does one person wanting to close the relationship mean it’s closed? Or do you both have to agree before that happens?

Are you going to tell people that you’re in an open relationship? How? Are there certain people that you aren’t going to tell, like parents or grandparents?

Are you going to be okay if your partner has an easy time finding partners and you don’t? Or vice versa? Many people opening up their relationships assume that both partners will have an equally easy time finding people to hook up with, and this is definitely not always the case.

This seems like a lot of questions and a lot of logistics, but the more you communicate beforehand, and the clearer your boundaries and ground rules are, the more likely you are to have a successful open relationship. An open relationship is supposed to be fun, but that’s not possible if one or both of you is wallowing in hurt feelings. Communicate your needs openly, and don’t be afraid to speak up if there’s a line you absolutely don’t want crossed.