Head Office

Here to bless you with the way of The Almighty. Answered by Gabriel, Metatron, Saraquel, Michael, Uriel, and Sandalaphon

[angelic-upper-management]

Greetings, humans! I am the archangel Gabriel, and we are here to bless you creatures with a hint of Salvation before the Second Coming. We’ve had several complaints about a recent lack of answers to prayers, so Heaven has decided to bless you all with what you animals call a ‘hotline!’

Take our word for it, we know what you want, and have the answers* that you want to hear, so ask away!** The time is ticking, so get your ticket to Heaven before your time expires.

(Spam will be funneled to Muriel)

*not all answers will be shared, that is not for you to know

**answers not guaranteed. I said that you can ask, answering? Not so much.

[phoen1xr0se]

To me beloved fandom;

A lot of you know me as PhoenixRose314, Tumblr's fandom mom and ineffable author of Don't Fall Away From Me and There Is A Light & It Never Goes Out. This fandom has been such a source of joy for me and has kept me going through some really difficult and dark times, but right now my world is absolutely falling apart.

Through circumstances beyond my control (health reasons - cancer and anxiety and depression), I was let go from my job a few months ago and my children and I can no longer afford to rent our lovely home in our lovely village. This has been incredibly hard for me to accept but once my lease is up I will have run out of savings and my kids and I will no longer have a place to call our own.

I am famously awful at asking for help, however this amazing fandom has convinced me to start this crowdfunder to try and raise enough money to try and buy a small park home or caravan for myself and the kids. It won't be much, but it will be ours, and nobody can take it away from us. I'm currently in the process of selling all my collectibles, furniture and worldly goods to try and raise some of the money myself, but anything you could donate to give my family some stability would be appreciated from the very bottom of my heart.

You can read more about my story and donate here:

Help Us Raise Money To Buy A Home

Help raise money to buy a park home for myself and my children to live in.

I hate that it has come to this, I feel so much shame and guilt for being in this position, but I better than anyone know that circumstances can change on a dime, and I hope that all the good and kindness (and fanfiction!!) I've put out into the world might come back to me now.

Please share if you can, donate if you can, and thank you for reading.

Phoenix 🌹

[angelic-upper-management]

this is to anyone, whoever feels like answering 🤞

theoretically, if theres anyone ‘in office’ who you personally would ‘get into a fistfight with’ or ‘bodyslam’, who would it be?

- 🧠

Theoretically….

Uriel- Michael

Michael -Uriel

Everyone -Saraquel

Gabriel- Sandalphon

Myself, obviously. Wait, what was the question? -Gabriel

[angelic-upper-management]

NO IM NOT I PROMISE I PROMISE I JUST UH I HAVE A CAT AND IT JUST UHH LOOKS LIKE HER ‼️

for the sake of uhh anonymity i can't add a pic of her whoops.. promise im not a demon 😊😊😊😊

- 🐈‍⬛

Oh, that is a perfectly reasonable human response! I mean, look at it; all panicky and such. I do not understand the strange yellow circle cryptography that accompanies your message, but I rest (even though angels never rest) assured that it accompanies your well intentions.

-Gabriel

[angelic-upper-management]

🎶 Every day, its-a getting closer 🎶

🎶 Going faster than a roller coaster 🎶

🎶 Love like yours will surely come my way 🎶

A-hey, a-hey, hey, I do not understand why this was put in the inbox, quite stupid nonsense. It should only be reserved for actually important questions, like if you are who I think you are, I found a neat graveyard over in Scotland on Earth, meet me over there later tonight? It has a pretty impressive statue. Oh, and a pub. how to spread the word of the Heavenly Host.

-Gabriel

[angelic-upper-management]

probably should stop talking like a cat, i think it's confusing michael xP anyways hai :3

i chose the black cat cause it looks fun (swear)

ok bye

- 🐈‍⬛

Simply a disguise? Are you a demon?? Begone from this holy inbox, fowl creature. Or whatever the saying is, it’s been a couple years since anyone was banished.

-Michael

[angelic-upper-management]

Is angels-food-cake really made with real freeze dried angels?

This is common misinformation; angels food cake is actually a clever ploy by some demons (or, demon.) to establish yet another false route to salvation.

Rest assured, the only way to holiness is an obscured and complicated that that human logic cannot ever actually figure out, and can only occasionally happen to stumble into.

Happy salvation!

-Gabriel

[angelic-upper-management]

you've got a cat up there?

While it is true that all animals do in fact go to The Kingdom of Heaven (except for specific dolphins, they know what they did,) they do not reside in ‘The Offices Of The Kingdom of Heaven’ (full name.) With all that fur and noise? They’d just do nothing but interrupt the Second Coming.

-Sandalphon

[angelic-upper-management]

Gabriel,

Just to follow up, I know you said there were no back channels but Heaven might offer information purely in the name of good. So in the interest of goodness, could you get me Beelzebub’s phone number? They seem way too fine to be lonely, and I would love to do a good deed by offering to, you know, love thy enemy.

Absolutely not; love all thy neighbors, except those ones. Beezelbub specifically. Honestly just not worth the time, most demonic of them all down there. They’re too busy spreading dissent and preparing for the Second Coming such as us to both for anything like a date at the Ressurectionist bar? At 7? I made the jukebox play the one song you mentioned, still have no idea how the humans managed to get it off the last time.

-Gabriel

[angelic-upper-management]

mrroww meow. miaow. mrrooow mrow miaow mrow.

- 🐈‍⬛

…

…

…

Meow?

-Michael

[angelic-upper-management]

Haven’t heard from you all in a bit, and I’m getting anxious that this might mean you’re whipping up a new apocalypse. Please reassure us mortals?

The Divine Plan is not for you to know, though do temporally rest assured that an apocalypse IS in the works, as per always. Your soul will be saved soon. Also Muriel logged us out.

-Micheal

[angelic-upper-management]

miaow meow

- 🐈‍⬛

I am worried.

-Michael.

[angelic-upper-management]

…hypothetically, could we ask you questions for hell and get them answered via a back channel? Hell’s hotline is a little too hot if you know what I mean.

There are no back channels. Though with our array of clearly celestial information, it may be able to be answered for the name of good and to deliver you from temptation.

-Gabriel

[angelic-upper-management]

Question for Micheal and Uriel. Is Muriel like your kid or something?

Ya know cause of the names. M-ichael + Uriel = Muriel.

- a drunk raccoon.

The Almighty had to name an extremely large number of angels in the Beginning. Nothing but a coincidence.

-Uriel

And if angels could even ‘have kids,’ anything made by me would’ve been quite a lot better. Or at least higher ranking. I’m not one for any imperfection, or such stepping out of line.

-Michael

[angelic-upper-management]

Saraqael, am I correct to assume you are actually the life of the party up there?

You are in-fact correct. But unfortunately a party of one isn’t much of a party at all. Maybe they’ll grow a brain one day.

-Saraqael

[angelic-upper-management]

Well thank you for the feedback! I think "pure" enough to pass though. I mean iv heard that some angels were awful and they still stand so I'm sure I'll be fine!

-🎀🧸

Well I can assure you such blasphemy certainly isn’t the first step on the Stairs To Heaven.

- Michael

[angelic-upper-management]

So. If I'm not banned from asking questions. Is Muriel allowed back into heaven yet or are tall still being mean to her?

-🪞

What happened to the Dissenter was fully just, merciful even. Better Earth than Hell, no? To show just how merciful we are, we’ll bring her back up right now.

-Wait. I can’t find them on the globe?

-What do you mean you can’t find them?

-I mean, I can’t find them.

-Where were they last seen?

-Somewhere quite close to SoHo.

—???