Novice Journo

Reorganising this blog and my life. I love writing my everyday stories and drama. Journalist / Educator / Marupok/ I'm bubbly too.

[angelicafaymsan]

It's too tiring to tell the world how to be loved, to be taken cared of, to be understood. It's suffocating and tiring at the same time I want to be hopeful still, in love.

[angelicafaymsan]

Two Years

It took me two long, winding years before posting a new entry here. This introverted soul took time to figure out where to write all these thoughts I have in mind. Should I write it on my personal and first ever blog or just settle in this private sanctuary, yet my url is screaming my whole identity. I've also been religiously updating my journal notebook, making ways to make it look prettier than usual. I'm 32 now, yet sensitive and empath personality is still looking for a space to let it all out. I hope I'll be more present here, magaling talaga ako sa umpisa.

[angelicafaymsan]

FRIYAY!

Hi there Tumblr!

Today's Friday, another week full of workloads, opportunities and time spent for myself and my personal endeavors. After my 3-day training and short gala in Manila, I resumed to my very busy work week editing and writing stories to include monitoring new set of interns in our office.

I have also been so sleepy this week, maybe too tired from everything. Usually after work, I spend time eating and talking with Miguel to let our stress out and to somehow celebrate our small wins in a daily basis. This week we tried the Natural Born Griller and the new ice cream parlor in Baseline. Yuuuum! We've also been preparing for our vacation trip for this weekend. Excited to cook and rest!

Insert my self reward item for this week-- my kitty bag worth P299 pesos lang talaga. Salaamt 1/3 sponsor. :D

[angelicafaymsan]

Greetings! I am back again and per the usual, I am planning to be active again in blogging and change this very sad page into my little diary. How I wish I did write more events here for the past years. I am very much optimistic that the next contents of this blog would be something that can bring a smile on my face. Happy writing and reading! Here's a throwback photo of Migs and I's Moalboal trip.

[angelicafaymsan]

I miss exchanging messages with random people around me. Those words I'm afraid sharing to people I know who doesn't want to listen to my stories at all. I feel it when they're just hearing me yet not listening at all.

[angelicafaymsan]

The certainty of being a uncertain is beautiful. It is like freedom you don't expect to be blessed with. I'm loving the uncertainty of us getting nowhere. Maybe I know deep inside me that we aren't going anywhere but I am very confident and sure that I want this set-up. Gusto ko isulat lahat dito because maybe in time, I've got to read this again and realized nagpakatanga na naman po ako. Who would enter a set-up where both of you just enjoy each others company and physical presence without knowing where all of these are going? But nah, I want to experience things like these too. I want to treasure being just me and not minding everyone around. As long as I am happy and safe, well let's get it on pain.

[angelicafaymsan]

Devotional Entry | July 16, 2021

Scripture: Proverbs 10:23 23 A fool finds pleasure in wicked schemes, but a person of understanding delights in wisdom.

Observation:

A person who starts doing evil things gets used to it and turns into an addiction-something that he can no longer control. Each evil act will lessen the burden of guilt and transform into something uncontrollable. This also goes to doing what is good and based on wisdom, it also becomes a routine. Therefore, we have to choose our weapon wisely--should we prefer the evil or the good. But let me remind you that doing the wicked schemes is pleasurable and easier that is why most of us are drawn to it. Doing good on the other hand requires effort and sometimes sacrifices.

Application: In life or in my life it is easier to give in to the earthly things and most of the time we get used to it. But I always try to control my mind and soul to stop doing it. Procrastination, personal addictions and such is very pleasurable but will this be helpful to my growth? Will this really make me happy? I know it is hard. I know it takes time to stop anything that is consuming us but we only need the first step--decision making and everything will follow. Discipline, sacrifice and sometimes tears is necessary to do good more than what is pleasurable for us. Prayer:

Papa God, good morning and thank you for everything. Firstly, I would just like to give thanks for all the blessings that I am receiving Lord even though I am not worthy at all. And because of your mercy and love, I've come to realize how important and valuable and the right person or people around me will definitely see that. Lord, I ask for your abundance and provisions Papa God. I pray lord for enlightenment and clarity with my relationships. I submit to you God everything for whatever is in your plan, may your will be done. :) I love you Papa God. -Angei

[angelicafaymsan]

Thanksgiving Friday.

I have been very blessed for the past months and will be more blessed because of the people that surrounds me. I may not be at the peak of my career and in any aspect of my life now but I feel that I am very much favored and loved. The right people that surrounds me now made a great difference. I thank you Lord for the gift of life and relationships.

To my life group, thank you for saving me every day. Your prayers, your faith and your friendship is very much appreciated. Every group meeting is something refreshing and empowering. Pero lingaw gyod ang katawa permi bitaw.

To my Sibya TV family, thank you for allowing me to continue my growth as an individual and to continue serving the people too.

We have many blessings to be thankful about, we just need to open our eyes and our hearts. 🥰

[angelicafaymsan]

It's dangerous when you start to get fond of someone then notice red flags all over. You wanted to end it the soonest but it is hard. I just don't understand why I crave for attention and love yet people that are drawn to me cannot fully give that. I almost choke myself with the thought that they are just present because of the perks that I can offer. I don't want to be just desired, I want to be more than that. I want to be taken cared of, to be pampered in a way he can and of course be loved. But love is such a strong word that would make people afraid of its consequences. I just want to have that person, my person.

[angelicafaymsan]

My struggle with attachments

I'm writing this with the hopes of getting everything out of my system. I don't want to be all alone. Life is a mess, my life is but people didn't notice that. I just wanted to be heard most of the time and be understood. I get easily attached that's why all of this is a struggle. I meet people, I get closer to them and eventually be left behind. Sometimes I am so attached to them that their mere presence is like an energy drink. But the levels trickles down when attention is not on me. But there are those who stayed, those friends that really mattered. Maglagot lang ko nga there are those present in our lives, shows us something more than friendships then starts to evaporate like water. Why the hell are you here in the first place? What are you up to? And I'm so done fixing people and ruining myself in the process. Maong magwork out among friendship ni Enji because we are plainly friends, sa katong ubang niabot sa akong life naglibog ko if ako bay ni misinterpret or nasobrahan nasad ilang pagkafriendly. The nerve guys! Mao ra to, kay naay usa dinhi nga utro sang way klaro, magklaro ta oy. Labad ha. HAHAHAH bye.

[angelicafaymsan]

I'm so frustrated all these time. When will be able to put in my mind that I am not the one who is always at fault. That I am always worth it. That I am not inadequate. Gosh, pila na kabuwan but my self-worth is literally crawling.

[angelicafaymsan]

I’m sorry if I still write about you I apologize for putting you in song I surrender to the forces of nature Just go ahead and chase for the girl That you loved all along And maybe this time I’ll learn to let you go

This is a beautifully written masterpiece. I have always been a fan of Reese. She uses her gift of words and music to interpret our kept emotions. Thank you for always being there Reese.

[angelicafaymsan]

Sometimes, goodbye means I love you/ I am proud of you/ you can go to places/ I believe in you. Goodbye means trust, hope and opportunities.

[angelicafaymsan]

Smiles are not for happy people

Even the sad ones can do it too

Most of the time, it is because we just have to

In reality, smile clouds what is true

I would pay for your happiness

I'll risk for your laughter

I'd even kill for your joy

But what about mine?

I'm slowly dying seeing you alive

But why can't you glance at me

At least for awhile

Can't you at least try?

This was supposed to be our ride

But the steering wheel seems just mine

You appear to be like a passenger

I'm the drivier sending you goodbye

I thought seeing you happy was enough

Didn't know this pain won't stop

Yes we are heading to that same direction

But I'm out of the picture to your destination

[angelicafaymsan]

Hopefully, this would be my last letter for you. I’ve tried all my might to be okay for so long. One thing that  I am very thankful about amidst all the pain is loving myself more. I learned to know more about my strengths and weaknesses and I am improving it as days and months pass by. I am just so sad that until now, things like “am I not enough”, “am I too much” keeps on bugging my mind. I lost the confidence that people might accept me for who I am. When you left me, my world crumbled because bisan wala ka kahibaw you were my anchor when things were failing that time. Little did I know that you will fail me too. How could you? Lisod kaayo mabiyaan og ginikanan, mawad-an og trabaho, dili pilion sa nahabilin nimo nga ginikanan and then you chose to leave me. Ang nakalisod no, you dump me like a hot potato? I was literally begging for respect that time. That is why I am taking my time to totally heal from all of these. Siguro sa imoha I am just a memory or basin gani wala ra gyod since you are very much happy right now pero grabeha sa apekto sa akoa oy. I am so devastated. You were a choice and a risk that took in with confidence back then maong mahadlok nako to make choices, to think good about myself and of course to trust. I know I won’t be stuck here forever, I will be in a happy situation too in the future even ako ra. Kanang wala nakoy mga pangutana ug pagduda about sa akong kaugalingon. 

I joint a self-worth seminar to improve myself. I learned alot but I discovered more why I am feeling all of these things. It is because I felt saved during the times nga padung mahugno ang kinabuhi pero nakapadugang paman diay gyod ka. I just pray and I am praying very hard for healing. Ako lang malakas! I should not compare myself to your present kay klaro man nga you are very happy and proud of her. Unta lang marealize nako overtime nga there is nothing wrong with me nga di na ganahan ang uban nako, I am just a misfit for you. Again, I know abog ra ko sa imong kinabuhi but you have been a good life post for me when we are together. I hope you are genuinely happy Dong because I am working on my own happiness. I am opening my doors for opportunities. I want to be happier and I will work on it.

[angelicafaymsan]

Am I happy?

[angelicafaymsan]

One way to totally heal and move on is to acknowledge our emotions and real feelings. So far, I am handling things very well but actually it is not me who is handling it all but God. Total submission is the key. But right now, I want to express all my feelings aron totally I can let go of the hurt, the pain, the what ifs, the confusion, the wreckage. 

He is happy right now with his new girl. Definitely I am okay with that fact kay once break na ta, wala namay hilabtanay diba? Pero kanang di ko kademand but I just really want unta nga dili sad gani diha-diha dayon and harap harapan imong buhaton ug ipamukha sa akoang nawng nga you are in a new relationship while I am picking up the pieces of myself that you ruined. Namakak paman gud ka gud nga you are toxic and that you don’t need to be in a relationship to be okay. Nya news flash, nituman ras three month rule naa naman dayon oy. Pero imoha sad na, happy man ka. Well good for you. It is just so absurd for me kay kana ganing ni move on na kog una for the reason a person gave you and turns out nga it is not the right reason. Pasultiha ko kausa bi, GAGO gyod kaayo ka dong. Pero thinking about the things that happened before, na appreciate raman nako tanan ba. And thankful ko kay ni grow sad ko as a person. I am no longer the naive girl you knew. Pero unta lang sa tinuoray kang nagmalipayon kana nalnag gyoy pangagpas nako sa kinabuhi.

For me, I am healing. We may be together for a short span of time but I was definitely true and real to you. Bahala nalang ka, di na ko ganahan maghunahuna if imong gipakita tinuod ba or dili. Ganahan lang sad ko ipagawas akong frustration bitaw kay dala gyod kag masla oy nga murag insecure, sigeg post pa victim pa gyod pag niagi. Ka inconsiderate sa amaw. Nya kahibaw baya nga iyang ex which is me is an overthinker. Hinuon no remorse from you and no care at all is something master rasad siguro gyod ka dong. Wala ko nagpakaluoy, wa sad ko nagpavictim kay murag victim man sad gyod ko diba? Ang ako lang, gwapa ko. Padayon kos life oy, ikaw padayon sa imong kalipay.

But definitely thank you for making me love myself more. As in naa pa diay koy ikalove sa akong self more than sauna. GAGO, last nalang gyod kay di nako ganahan ma bitter. Kahilak lang sad ko usahay kahinumdom sa akong pag-antos gud maong matrigger ko labinag gangisi ka. Pweeeeh! AHHAHAHAH pero sige lang, hilak lang sa ta ron. Moabot ra ang laing tawo nga moilad gihapon nato hahahahaha