Alchemy

Natasha, I paint now : www.natashagillart.com

[soulsistrin]

I decided to tackle my second chapter of my thesis today, and was delighted when I opened the file to find that I’d done a lot more work than I thought I had on it.

I have no memory of doing all of this, mind you. I must have done it about a month ago when I was writing the first chapter. I then detoured to gather more research. Then I took on the monumental task of reading through it, making notes, and organizing it all so I could refer to it at a glance.

This chapter is the most load-bearing of the thesis because it bears the foundation on which my argument is built.

I am happy to report that I am extremely pleased with it. I know the research so well at this point that it was much easier to write than I thought it would be. It was wise to sort out my lit review before I tackled this section.

I’m going to give myself a well-deserved day off tomorrow. I’m well ahead of schedule.

Yay me!

[soulsistrin]

I think I fully completed my Lit Review. I had to heavily edit it as it was almost 30 pages long. That’s how much research I had. My whole thesis is supposed to be only 75 pages. I got it down to about 14 so I feel very accomplished. I worked on it all day and now I’m starving and tired. But at least I got that monkey off my back.

[soulsistrin]

I had my follow up CT scan today. I had some time to kill so I went in the back of the hospital to take a little walk and enjoy the sea. Living on a Caribbean island you’d think you’d see it everywhere, but we’re so industrialized in the capital that it’s hard to get a glimpse of it, even though we live in a port.

I had a bit of an anxiety attack on the drive there and started crying. My first CT scan was a little traumatic. The room was terribly cold, they stuck me over and over again trying to get a vein, succeeding only after the sixth try, and despite taking a regimen of antihistamines I still ended up having a reaction to the contrast dye for which I had to be monitored and medicated.

Rex comforted me in the car, and when I went in he stuck his head in and blew me kisses of reassurance, and that really made me feel a lot better.

They gave me a strong dose of antihistamines before (the needle thankfully went in on the first try) and the scan was smooth. I wasn’t freezing. And I only had a very slight reaction, one little hive on my cheek that’s gone now.

When I first got my diagnosis, this scan felt like a million miles away. And if I’d followed my original course of treatment I’d have had it six months ago. So to get here today… I feel a bit… like I don’t have any context for it. I’m still on meds and after a year and a half of treatment (I finish Sunday), I sort of don’t know what to do with the ending. It sort of just crept up on me.

I don’t see my doctor until the fifteenth so I won’t know the results until then, unless I try to decipher it myself which probably isn’t wise. I have some anxiety about it of course, but there’s no reason to believe I won’t be in the clear. We’ve thrown everything and the kitchen sink at it.

I still have the surgery to remove my port ahead of me, and at some point after my body has recovered, a breast reduction. Still finishing up my thesis, due at the end of July. Then my presentation, then graduation. Finishing a lot of things this year. And hopefully starting new things. Here’s to 2026 I guess. I feel like it’s taken me forever to get here. Time moves differently when you’re in a place like this. I just want to feel like my life is moving again. I’m tired to feeling like I’m sitting it out, watching life happen around me while I’m in a holding cell. School was a detour, and then cancer became a detour on the detour. It’s been almost three years. That’s enough. For all of us.

[soulsistrin]

so much for that then

The Rotunda Gallery sent an email informing me that the show opened today. So I guess going to the opening isn't gonna be a thing. There's no opening. It's open, I guess? Thanks for the heads up.

[soulsistrin]

We bought a robot vacuum sweeper mopper thingy this weekend.

I’ve wanted one forever.

We have to like, clean up the floor space, get all the cords out of the way and according to the instructions, vacuum the place three times before we use it.

It’s still sitting in the box. Nobody in this house has either the time or energy to do all that right now.

Sigh.

[istalkfashion]

[soulsistrin]

I feel so accomplished. I not only did the whole fellowship application but I also updated my website.

Of course I wanna pitch my laptop across the room now cause I’m sick of it but hey I got shit done that I’ve been meaning to do for month now! Yay me!

[soulsistrin]

I spent all day working on this fellowship proposal. I've never applied for anything like this before, so everything from my CV to my portfolio had to be created from the ground up.

I just need the full name of the curator from my gallery before I can submit (they asked for references).

This was pretty tiring, but now that I've done it, it's giving me the confidence to apply for others. It always seemed like such a daunting task. I mean it is, but it's doable too.

[soulsistrin]

I have three things I want to work on today:

1. Finish that residency application because the deadline is today.

2. Sort through the rest of my research and just get shot in order.

3. Update my website.

I’m gonna be working from my bed today because I’m fighting off something, my throat is a tiny bit sore but I took some cold meds and I’m feeling better but my body doesn’t want to sit at a desk for hours.

I’m not getting this all done butt I’m gonna start with the application because I’ve never done one before so I need to give it my full attention.

[adastra-sf]

I'm always thinking about creating. My future starts when I wake up every morning. Every day I find something creative to do with my life.

- Miles Davis

[bucksangel]

this is immensely funny to me

[catchymemes]

[soulsistrin]

I’m am so tired of googling for information and being presented with a bunch of videos. This happens especially when I’m doing graphic design work and instead of a simple web page that I can quickly scan to find the answer on how to do whatever I need to do, I’m offered 10 video solutions. I don’t need you to show me. Just fucking tell me what tool I need to use and I’ll figure out the rest. If I want a video answer I’ll go to YouTube for fuck’s sake.

[soulsistrin]

You ever think about careers you could have pursued but didn’t?

Every so often I think about one passion I had, but didn’t pursue.

Geology.

I studied it in high school and college and I absolutely loved everything about it.

I love how you can just look at a rock and know how it was formed. With some simple tests and observations you can determine its mineral content. You can look at a river and know how old it is by the bends. You can tell the age of a mountain range by its shape. You can read the earth! It’s so fascinating.

I think that’s why when I went into jewelry making, I started off using gemstones in their raw state. I just love rocks.

If I had known what career opportunities were available in that field, I think I might have pursued it, but I had no idea at the time. Ironically, coming from an oil- and gas-producing country, it would have been very useful right here at home.

I actually looked into the geology programme at my current university when I started. But then I decided I didn’t have time to get a whole new degree and start a brand new career in my fifties.

Maybe in another life I became a geologist. I hope so. I think I would have been happy doing that. Maybe I specialized in vulcanology, or environmentalism. Probably I would have gone into oil and gas lol. Makes sense, plus it pays really well. Maybe next lifetime.

[soulsistrin]

On June 3 I have my CT scan.

On June 7, evening, I will have taken my last dose of medication (I have been on oral chemo for six months).

On June 15 I will have my last blood test and treatment appointment with my oncologist. And of course receive the results of the CT scan. I’m hoping (and expecting) to receive the all clear.

I am finally reaching the end of what has been a grueling journey. The last year has felt like three. It has been the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I hope I never have to return to that crucible in any shape or form ever again. I am just glad for it to finally be over.

[soulsistrin]

I am enjoying season 2 of The Four Seasons on Netflix this morning and let me just say, the Thanksgiving episode is just…

[soulsistrin]

The gallery called me a couple days ago and told me they would only be accepting my smaller painting for the show, and asked me to bring it in this week.

I was taken aback and asked her why. She explained that they had too many pieces and were running out of space. That the Leroy Clarke pieces were very large and were taking up a lot of space.

I felt kind of pissed at that, that they were giving a dead artist more favor than one who was alive. I get that the point of the show was to showcase “masters” but he’s an already established master, and he’s not only passed, but his homophobic, sexist rhetoric made him incredibly unpopular in his later years. When he passed, the local art world was silent.

Anyhow, I explained to her that I had had my larger piece framed in anticipation of the show, and asked if she could please find a way to also include it. She told me she would call me back, and the next day she said I could bring them both. So I dropped them off this morning. Phew.

They don’t have a date yet for when the show is opening, but I think I’ll go and show my face when it does. Partly because I’ve been absent from this space for a long time now, and partly because I’m looking pretty different these days and I need to show myself as I am now.

[soulsistrin]

I was watching The Boroughs on Netflix and something that I saw in the first episode triggered a memory (it was an Easter egg).

So I went to google if Alfredo Molina played the native guy who betrays Indy in Raiders of the Lost Ark (“throw me the idol I’ll throw you the whip”) and I was right, it was him.

But tell me how this is a how I find out that Alfredo Molina is BRITISH!

I would have sworn he was American. I can’t even think of a show or movie where I’ve heard him speaking in a British accent. Damn.

“Adios señor”