Angel Of The Ether

30. Non-Binary. Taken 💜 Self proclaimed Net-Runner and Technomancer, who’s had ZERO luck escaping the void of reality. This blog is my digital safe space. My online, digital brain dump journal. https://angeloftheether.carrd.co/

[angeloftheether]

03.11.2026

The plans for the house are still WELL underway. lol.

We managed to get everything prepped and ready to list. We got it listed about 20 hours ago, and it's already had around 350 views, and 10 saves. One client of Rachel's did a showing last night, and there is another one scheduled for tonight.

I like that it hit the ground running as soon as it listed. I just want the thing to MOVE. I just hoped for a little more by now.

I know, I KNOW! It's only been 20 hours. how much action can you really expect something to have in 20 hours. I'm sure there's nothing to be concerned about yet. I'm just so fucking excited to move! I want it to be official already! lol.

I want to be able to talk about it to people like it's a done deal, and everything is going as planned.

The mortgage lender is giving us 5.5% interest rate. As long as we pay off both our cars with the proceeds of our sale before putting anything down.

Honestly, that IS probably the best move for us, it's just gonna make it kinda tight for us to still make a 20% down payment once the cars are paid off. It's looking like we'll probably still have to kick in a significant amount of cash to make this deal happen. blow through a good portion of our spending cash, and chop our equity down to a meager 20%... it's unclear just yet how much cash it's gonna cost until we get an offer and find out exactly how much closing costs will be. $99,775 is what it's gonna take to make this deal happen.

on the flip side of this... Once we pay off the cars, it will only end up being like 135 bucks a month MORE than what our bills are now! that's without even factoring in the 2400 bucks a month saved in daycare costs that we're just starting to feel the effects of!

I’m still fucking heart broken that we lost the house on Sheridan road, but now that I see how much it could cost us, I’m starting to be way more excited over it!

I posted a little something to my family blog, as well as updated the picture on our family website to a picture of the house, mostly because I know that no one will read either. lol. I haven’t yet said anything about it on social media.

I’m honestly just not sure if I WANT to… There are just some things I want to handle just Erica and I… without having the watchful eyes of every single person I know. Especially my parents.

I honestly just don’t want their input anymore… at least on houses. I’m tired of every interaction with them being some kind of teachable moment… a chance for them to “impart wisdom” on me.

I’m an adult who’s capable of handling this kind of thing on my own, and much like when we were pregnant, I’m just tired of people congratulating me. Even though this will be the first time I’m actually proud of the place I’m living. I just feel like my parents will be super hung up on the fact that it’s a town home. Like that they won’t respect it as a respectable home because they’d never be caught dead in a town home.

I also just had such a terrible experience with buying my first home that I just don’t want them involved in any step of the process ever again.

I think that’s really what it is to be honest… they’ve always had so much power over me and they could basically force me to do things there way. Now that I have my independence, I just never want to leave the door open for them to control me ever again.

is that seriously this wrong? That I’ve wanted this kind of independence from them FOR SOOO LONG, and now that I’m finally able to experience it, I’m just plain enjoying it. Now that I’m not seeing them super often, I finally feel like an ADULT who’s worthy of respect. I don’t chase their approval anymore, and that’s made me a better partner AND parent!

I’m loving all the growth I’ve been going through ever since meeting Erica, and I credit a HUGE part of that to the fact that I no longer feel like I need my parents approval. Now that I don’t need it anymore… I start to wonder if I even like being around them anymore.

[angeloftheether]

January 21st, 2026

Tonight was a pretty rough one for me to be at work. Not only because it snowed like a blizzard for a couple hours right in the middle of my driving shift, because that's a whole other story I could rant about. lol.

No, I mean because I've been missing my son something terrible this week. I mean, always... but this week just a little more for some reason.

From the minute my wife picked him up from daycare, he was asking about me. He was just having a rough day, and started crying during the pickup process.

My wife said he was crying out for me! When she said I wasn't going to be home tonight because I had to go to work, he cried out more than he doesn't want me to go because he loves me!!!

Yes, when I was told this, I nearly started crying in the middle of driving. I was ready to walk in and quit right then and there. lol.

Things got even worse later when he fell on a tower of blocks he was building. He ripped the shit out of his lip, and even knocked one of his teeth loose!

Trying not to freak out about possible nerve damage to his teeth while we wait for the doctor to call us back!

But after he had his freak out, while he was trying to calm down and catch his breath, he apparently kept asking for me! I did a little FaceTime call with him while I was driving, and that actually DID help him calm down!

It's such a contrast to when he was super little, and wanted basically nothing to do with me. lol. For a while there, it seemed like anytime I got too close to him, he'd start crying! Don't even get me started on if I tried to HOLD HIM! lol.

It feels good that I'm finally starting to become his best friend! I feel like I've been waiting for this since he was born. Every time he sees me after work, he LIGHTS UP and RUNS over to give me a hug!

Days like today get me ALL up in my feels when I have to be away from him to work. When he clearly needs me!

Makes me feel like I've failed him as a parent having to be away from him so much. I wish I could have lived in my parent's generation where a second job to afford having children would have been seen as a dystopian thing.... Not just the norm :/

[angeloftheether]

I'm starting to realize that if I didn't have a partner and 2 children in my household, I would probably rarely leave my desk other than bathroom breaks and sleeping.

I work here. I play here. I relax here. There are now multiple platforms on the market that exist to feed me regularly with MINIMAL effort on my part, so eliminating the need for going out for supplies.

Nearly everything I purchase is from online vendors anyways.

Almost the entire sum of my social activity is achieved from the internet. A complete record of my life could be put together just by checking out my various accounts. Even anonymous ones, like this one.

I feel like I have achieved FULL cyberpunk aesthetic. It's sure fun living in the future. lol.

[angeloftheether]

The Avatar: Way of Water Was NOT The Movie I Was Expecting!

I mean, I guess it was okay.... I really enjoyed getting to see a few more aspects of the culture of the Navi on Pandora, like at the beginning when introducing their young. And just how their people raise kids.

After this though, things just kinda started to roll down-hill for me. First off, was no one else seriously creeped out by them making Sigourney Weaver play a CHILD?! Her entire character looked like an AI generated version of what she might look like as a child, and then gave her the voice of a GROWN WOMAN! Every time the character of Kiri spoke, it was just extremely unsettling for me. lol.

Next, the villains. It seemed like.. at first... that they were just trying to make the same style of movie as the first. The Navi resisting against human military powers... That seemed like the entire reason for including Eddi Falco's character to be almost a complete carbon copy of the bad guy military trope from the first movie.

But they didn't even need Eddi Falco's character, because they literally just RECYCED the same bad guy from the last movie! Who was killed by the way!

Apparently, they have just perfected the process of putting humans in Navi bodies, that they copied the brain of the best military leaders they had, stored their brains on earth in some kind of Mikoshi style database? And then just dumped the brain of a dead guy into a new Navi body. Makes me wonder if they're so good a GROWING CREATURES, you mean to tell me they haven't figured out some kind of cloning process for humans yet? Whatever, I'll let that one slide I guess.

So now that we have almost all the same cast (including several actors who's characters were killed), and literally the SAME PLOT, it should be a decent movie... I mean I enjoyed the first movie with that plot.... right?

Well first of all, the first movie seemed to accomplish this trope far better. I mean, the original Avatar wasn't always the most subtle, but it was very clear from the beginning that the movie was made as a metaphor for Americans moving in on Native American land in the humble beginnings of America. The Navi bore so many resemblances to Native American culture; it was almost a straight copy and paste.... with the addition of some more alien features. lol. But there were also more than a few mentions about how the humans were trying so hard to give them things like roads, medicine, education, and the Navi just didn't want any of it because they were perfectly satisfied with their natural life. And because these "savages" couldn't be reasoned with, the humans just decide to take their land anyways by way of force. Very subtle, right?

Well there were at least a lot of references to human politics, and economic references that at least made it an entertaining scifi world to live in. That the expansion of capitalistic greed would be everyone's undoing.

The second movie, however, seems to take away all of that conflict from the first one. Sure, the humans are still ON Pandora to mine resources for profit... but we the audience don't really see or experience much of that. The only thing we see is the newly undead Navi-Military hybrid on a revenge quest for Jake.... basically, the entire movie.

Not to mention, here's the thing that REALLY made me not care about this movie... They turned the Navi into such humanoid creatures.

They were so beautiful in the first movie because they were this foreign species that Jake was enthralled with their culture... In this movie they're basically just blue humans.

I mean, they have Navi characters using phrases like "Bro".... A complete contrast to the way they spoke and just generally behaved in the first movie.

Since Jake began to live on Pandora, he basically turned these alien creatures into a human military state. Using Military lingo, equipment, weapons, EVERYTHING throughout the Navi village.

They seem to be using assault rifles and grenades now instead of their archery and horseback riding. Hell, at one point I even saw a laptop sitting in on of their huts in the Navi village!

Like, Jake left his life as a military man on earth because he was enthralled with the natural living of the Navi, but then turns around and basically indoctrinates them ALL into human culture. And some of the WORST parts of it. And none of the other Navi even NOTICE this! They all seem perfectly fine with all of this, even though this was one of the main reasons they didn't trust him in the first movie!

It just took almost everything loveable about the Navi from the original movie and through it out. All the magic GONE, so that they could make a movie about blue aliens at war with each other.

[angeloftheether]

Building My Desk: Part 4

Omg! The desk got delivered today! Almost 4 days ahead of schedule!

It got dropped off at 10:54am, when I was right about to take my lunch break at 11!

I cracked that bad boy open and started putting it together right away!

It was actually one of the easier things I've put together in my life. Sure, it still took me the rest of the day, but I was kinda of taking my time.

That even included clean up which usually takes me like 7 business days to finish, with the giant ass box filled with foam sitting in my condo. I fucking nailed it this time!

Please enjoy these pictures of the journey!

[angeloftheether]

Building My Desk: Part 3

Omg! It's happening! and like 4 days early too!

This gives me the weekend to be able to get it put together, which would be AWESOME!

Okay, so it's probably gonna end up being too late of delivery to get started today, since I have to work tonight :/

I COULD probably get started on it tomorrow, since my partner and kids are going to a birthday party right in the middle of the day, and I can't since I have to work tomorrow night too.

This would give me a big portion of the day alone to work on it. Of course, everything I've read on the reviews on Amazon says the setup process is insufferable.... so I'm anticipating needing an extra day on Sunday. Good thing I have several plans to distract me with that day too! Like seeing my damn mother in the morning... UGH!

I can work on it a little more on Sunday, and if I REALLY suck, I could probably enlist help on it after the kids go to bed on Sunday night.

Either way, it should be fully put together by Monday morning! Then we can move onto the FUN PART!

[angeloftheether]

Building My Desk: Part 2

Part 2:

The desk has shipped, and it's supposed to be here on Tuesday! That's 5 days from now!

Everything I've read in the amazon reviews has said that it's an INTENSE process putting this thing together, so I'm kinda anticipating it taking several days to set up.

It really fucking sucks that I couldn't have gotten it THIS week since I've basically had nothing to do all week other than route ONE small DC near Portland. AND I had NO shifts for my second job delivering pizzas in the evening this week! Everything would have been PERFECT to get this shit done!

Doesn't matter, I guess I'll figure it out… But I technically take the place of the "lead" coverage person for my company's routing department on the 20th. So I'll probably be far more busy after that. I need to make sure the shit is done by then to be able to put my best foot forward!

I want to make sure I'm set up and ready to get started right out of the gate, so I've been trying to do some projections in my head of the setup I want, and things I'll need. I have a rather complicated set up so it's gonna be a logistical nightmare.

There are plenty of things I'm gonna have to wait to get to see how everything works out, but there are a couple of things I might be able to pre order and have ready for day one after the desk is set up.

I just bought the first thing on that shopping list. Something that I constantly need, no matter which setup I go with as I run through the blueprints in my head.

Amazon.com: 320W USB C Fast Charger Block, 8 Port USB Charging Station, GaN Ⅲ Pro 100W PD PPS Port Fast Charging Station Hub, Laptop Wall Ch

I got a charging station for the top of my desk. It's essentially a massive charging brick that can deliver an extremely high wattage of power through various ports.

A standard 12V outlet on a 15 amp circuit can deliver about 1800 watts of power at a time before tripping a breaker, so instead of several chargers all drawing 100 or 65 watts, this consolidates that into a single charging brick that connects to the wall.

It can deliver 320 watts of power over its 8 ports. 1 x 100w, 2 x 65w, 1 x 20w, and 4 x 18w (USB-A)'s.

This is gonna be AWESOME for the setup since I frequently use multiple devices at my desk. Sometimes as many as 4, plus wanting to charge various things while I work. I'll get into exactly what devices I'm usually running later, but this is the OBVIOUS solution rather than spending shit loads of money on separate chargers for every device. Since my chargers now are all kinda fixed to their locations next to my couch, or in other places we popularly sit.

I also snagged and HDMI to USB-C adapter since I'm pretty sure that will come in handy at some point, and a new replacement outlet. I guess the one I will need to use is damaged, and we didn't realize because it's been covered by a book shelf for a year. Lol.

I now have a nice little pile of stuff going, and I couldn't be happier! Of course, until I get the bill! lol.

[angeloftheether]

Building My Desk: Part 1

Part 1:

Yes, it's official!

I've spent 5 months trying to work my entire job from my laptop screen, and a portable monitor, we have rearranged our furniture to allow for a wall in our house to be freed up.

It required us to move the TV in front of the window between the kitchen and living room, and move our couch to being just in front of the balcony door… Thus blocking it.

It sounds kinda unconventional, but it actually works super well! We really like it, even though it's something I would have never considered before. But what can I say? Desperate times, call for desperate measures. I can hardly work for one more week on this ouch.

Basically the room that is supposed to be the dining room that we turned into a play room for my son has now been left pretty much empty. There's just a few more pieces of trash I have to get rid of…. But this little empty space off the kitchen is now going to be my home office!

Later that night, we ordered the desk I had my eye on. A full 65 inches with drawers and everything! I'm so fucking excited!

This is the first time I will have had a proper desk in very many years. Ever since starting to work from home I've been trying to work off a weird platform attached to the wall with a couple monitors mounted to the wall!

Because of this, it's time that we basically built a respectable setup from scratch. I have a unique setup, and I really want something that's built for it. Rather than something I just through together to "make it work"

I'm gonna try and blog about my journey of building it! Maybe a bunch of micro blog posts. Why? Because I honestly haven't been this excited about something for a long time! It sounds stupid, but this has been the first real WIN I've felt for a while now.

I plan to enjoy every frecking minute of building, and enjoying this project!

[angeloftheether]

This Christmas Has Me Ready to Never Seen Any Human Being Again!

As most people already know, I had made the choice not to see my side of our family on Christmas this year. I had kinda thought about it in the evening of Christmas Eve, but quickly turned that around when Christmas Morning came.

When I woke up, I felt like death! I was having some bad dreams the night before which kept me from getting really restful sleep. I had also had several drinks the night of Christmas Eve, so at first glance, I figured I was just hung over.

We spent the night at my MILs house, and I normally seep pretty well there... but this time, the shitty mattress just GOT to me :/ So the fact that I woke up with body aches, a headache, and my stomach still kinda turning over inside me, all felt pretty normal.

Christmas morning went pretty well, aside from me not being able to move as much as I'd like. But our kids had a great time regardless on Christmas eve (putting out milk and cookies) as well as opening presents on Christmas morning :)

After that, around noon we went to our next stop. Family friends of my partner. Their families had been great friends for around 20 years, so it was pretty normal to see them on Christmas. I usually don't have a problem with it.

We stayed there for about 2 hours... not even that long, until heading to our third and final stop of the day. My partner's grandparent's house. I started to feel not so great, but still well enough. So I agreed, even though I could have just said I wanted to go home.

It wasn't until we GOT to our 3rd stop (about 35 minutes away) that I started to feel really bad. The day was coming to an end, and my body was just running out of steam. Nothing I could do about that.

We stayed for about an hour before I asked to leave.

We got home at about 5:30, and I told my partner I needed to lay down for just 10 minutes before I started helping get the kids ready for bedtime. Only a few minutes into laying down, my partner ran into the bathroom and threw up! And didn't stop for about the next 20 hours. every few minutes!

Needless to say that when my sister texted me at about 5, asking what time we'd be getting there today, I had to tell her that we just weren't going to make it this year.

Even if I did still want to try, there was no way on earth we would have made it. We could barley struggle through getting the kids into bed with me and my partner taking turns in the bathroom every few minutes. My sister never texted me again after telling her we weren't going to make it.

My mom texted me just before bed saying "Merry Christmas"... Which I saw as another passive aggressive way of making me feel shitty for not coming over.

Once we got the kids to bed, we relaxed on the couch for about an hour, just trying to get the energy to crawl into bed. I managed to make a Facebook post about our Christmas this year, with the pictures I had taken.

I put in the post that I woke up feeling like death, and could barley move, and that Erica came down with something when we got home. My partner also shot a text to the families we saw that she had been throwing up, and she's super sorry about if we accidently passed something to them.

The next day, we woke up to a very snide text from my partner's "best friend, with a very shitty comment about "can we just agree that if you're sick, you just stay home? Because now I'm probably gonna have to deal with a sick child"

WHAT A FUCKING BITCHY THING TO TEXT SOMEONE! She even screen shotted a clip of the Facebook post I made, trying to prove we knew I was sick before going over there. Once we tried telling her we thought it was a hangover at first, she stopped answering.

As you can imagine, I blocked her on every social media platform I have. I already have enough people making shitty comments like that to me, and using my Facebook as a weapon against me! I'm not fucking LOOKING FOR MORE!

So Christmas ended with MY family for being pissed that I didn't spend the holidays with them... and my PARTNER'S family being pissed at me THAT WE DID!

There is no fucking winning on Christmas, and I'M TIRED OF IT!!!!!

[angeloftheether]

Working Remotely on Christmas Eve

My company usually gives us off on Christmas Eve, but THIS year, we're working so that we can take off Friday instead. Since working in healthcare supplies distribution, the entire planet would suddenly die if we took 3 days in a row off for Christmas. lol.

Mind you, the DISTRIBUTION aspect of the company is the only ones working Christmas Eve. Our customer service reps all have today through the rest of the week off.

To put in a little extra context, my kid's Daycare is closed today, so my partner took off to be with them. I wasn't able to though. So my condo is pretty full when it's normally empty when I'm working remotely.

Since I no longer have a desk (due to space restrictions) I work remotely by spreading out all my equipment on our coffee table. This obviously isn't possible with a toddler running around and wanting to play. lol. So I had to swing by my local coffee shop to get a little peace for a few hours.

I arrived at the coffee shop, ordered my coffee, and was online by 7:30am. My first priority after logging in is to answer any emails to edit orders last minute from customer service, and there were several from the night before I had to deal with.

After this, it's time to import late orders into any days I've already routed. So I can add last minute products to currently deliveries, as well as work in off schedule stuff. There was a good handful of this stuff to deal with being the end of the year... So I did that.

Next, it came time to ROUTE the next day in the queue. However, with so many days off in the next 2 weeks, the schedule is already further out than the system is set up for. So I don't exactly have any orders to route any further. I'm already routed out for the next 2 weeks. Guess I'll skip that step today.

Then it's time to prepare everything I've been working on to send over to the warehouse, where it will be picked, loaded, and finally delivered. Once it goes off to the warehouse it's kinda out of my hands. I did things like assign actual drivers to take the routes, give them all an appropriate amount of breaks for the day, made sure all time restrictions were honored for each of their stops... the final check so to speak. This went pretty quickly since I'm in charge of a small DC this week.

I'm now pretty far ahead since I skipped routing. I guess I could go on and prepare the routes for the next business day. I usually don't do this until the end of the day if I have a little time to kill, since it's considered ahead work. But why not, I guess I can do it at 8:21am. lol.

I finish with all that at about 8:30am, since a lot of drivers are on PTO, a lot of patients dont want deliveries this week (so they ordered extra on their previous delivery) so there were a small amount of orders to work with. So now it's 8:30... where do we go from here?

Well, I have nothing to route, because the work that far out isn't entered into the routing stage yet. That's my biggest objective that I can just... skip today. lol.

Next I have to import again. Orders are getting added ALL the time by customer service, and it's important to stay current on routing them all. But I'm quickly reminded that with customer service not working, there are no new orders entered into the queue... so my import turns up zero extra work, as it likely will for the rest of the day.

The only other thing I do in a given day is screen calls, emails, and instant messages from customer service reps about patient issues. Things like, patients wanting to edit orders, patients needing things rescheduled, adding notes. Clerical crap like this.

Again though, I'm reminded that without customer service working... the inbox has been empty since like 4:30pm last night.... as it will remain.

So my entire reason for being online has been taken away. lol. And all of my other primary job tasks have been completed already this morning....

So I will basically be sitting here, playing video games while playing with my mouse every few minutes for the next 6 and a half hours. lol. But it's a good thing we didn't take 3 whole days in a row off. The world would have SHUT DOWN! LOL.

You can really tell that the choice to have the routing department open on Christmas Eve came from some corpo who doesn't even understand what the hell we do everyday. lol.

Glad to clock my time as the digital wage mage that I am! 🤣🧙🏻🪄

But on the bright side... I was finally inspired to make the most important purchase of my entire 2025. lol.

Amazon.com: AUEDROT Mouse Jiggler Undetectable Mouse Jiggers USB Mouse Mover with Switch Button, Automatic Mouse Wiggler with 2 Jiggle Modes

[angeloftheether]

Alyson Stoner's similar situation with HER mother

Reading through "semi-well adjusted" by Alyson Stoner, and came across apart where she mentions having very similar struggles with her mom as I do with mine... sure, for different reasons, but I feel the same kind of emotion

Where she refers to the "ongoing complexity of the relationship with my mother"

How she feels texts to her are more out of obligation rather than sincerity.

She feels a mix of emotions surrounding her mother, the most pressing being "a need for distance" I really FELT this one.

Noting that she spent years making an attempt to establish "a respectful and constructive connection as adults"

She mentions several obstacles to this, several that are unique to her time as a child star. The one that really stood out to me was "her refusal to engage in vulnerable and reparative dialogue highlighted that we were in a loop of older patterns". That one also hit me right in the feels.

"Though it fostered guilt. I had to accept that this dynamic was unhealthy, and that I could no longer participate without necessary boundaries"

"I made the choice not to send the photo. I closed my phone, and looked around the room. Appreciating the silence"

"My own voice was the loudest, and most persuasive voice in my head. And I loved the sound of it"

She then writes a paragraph about taking a break to relax and just listen to an audio book she liked while she falls asleep. She relaxed and thought for a second that she might be "semi well-adjusted" bringing the whole theme of the book together, and ending on this note (other than the epilogue). It was so fucking beautiful!

I made sure to add a bookmark to this section on audible, but I also felt compelled to write something here.

I love collecting little things like this to help aid me in the fight raging inside my OWN HEAD on the topic of my "complex" relationship with my mother.

Part of the purpose of this blog is to serve as a place to house this kind of collection. so here we are. lol. ENJOY TUMBLR!

[angeloftheether]

I also finished the book “One Dark Window” earlier tonight.

I honestly loved that book! Best one I’ve read probably in the last year.

The concepts of your mind/body being taken over by something inside of you, and the crippling fight over your soul… It all really play parallels with Cyberpunk 2077’s concepts, and I’m absolutely fucking here for it!

[angeloftheether]

I finished watching the series Mr. Robot tonight just in time for it to leave Netflix right after new years.

It’s taken me SOOOO long to finish only 4 seasons of this show because I constantly lost interest in it!

It wasn’t bad… I just feel like after season 1 it quickly took on a new vibe independent from the “vigilante hacker by night” premise that I was hoping for. It wasn’t BAD, just not what I felt like I was signing up for.

All bets were off though by season 4. Hell, by the end; I thought I was high or something with how fucking WILD it got! lol.

It was like “Fight Club”, “Inception”, and “split” had an unholy love child!

I guess it was all worth it to see some of those intense hacking scenes, which I always love to see in movies. AND BD Wong dressed as a woman! lol.

[angeloftheether]

I had a new idea tonight… lol.

I had this old and small Bluetooth keyboard sitting in a drawer that I never use anymore, so I figured I would take it with me to work while I deliver pizzas.

I wan to be able to write a little more when I get bored in between orders, but I can’t STAND typing anything on my phone’s touch screen keyboard longer than a damn text message.

So lo and behold, this! lol.

Seems to be working out fine.

I’m sure it’ll work wonders for my journaling! lol.

[angeloftheether]

This might sound crazy, but sometimes while Im out and away from home late at night because I'm driving for my pizza delivery gig.... I start to think about my son.

There will be things that just remind me of him, and then I can't stop thinking about him, and missing him. Last night specifically, it was seeing a small, child-like hand print on a salty car that was sitting in front of me at a red light.

Sometimes my intrusive thoughts get the better of me, and this missing him turns super fucking dark.

I think about if I never got to see him again. I think about the last time I got to see him.

About what the last thing I said to him was, and if I would feel satisfied if that were the last time he ever heard my voice.

Even if our last interaction was a good one, I still am constantly disappointed with this scenario. I'm never satisfied that I've been a good enough parent to him.

I could have ALWAYS done better. There's always some way I could have done better, and given him a better life. A better relationship with me. Told him how much I loved him just a little bit more.

I love this kid so fucking much. More than I've ever loved anything or anyone.

They say you'll never really realize how much you can love something until you have kids... I always thought that was bullshit, but I see what they mean now.

Everything I do is for those boys. Now and forever.

Yes, I frequently find myself crying in my car while delivering pizzas. lol.

[angeloftheether]

[angeloftheether]

I grew up in an environment where love was restricted if someone was mad at me. When I would get in trouble with my parents, my mother would often ignore me, give me the silent treatment, disregard things important to me. Basically become a completely different person. I remember versions of this from young childhood, but have far stronger memories of it in my teenage years, or early 20's when I still lived there while going to college.

I remember sometimes as a kid feeling like I didn't even HAVE a mom when she was pissed off at me.

I'm starting to realize that this is why I PANIC when my partner (or other people) are upset with me, or seem like they might be upset. My body truly CANNOT BE AT PEACE knowing someone might be upset with me.

I can't fucking stand it! But I'm starting to know more about it. And that's valuable to my marriage.