Van der Linde Gang vs Raccoon
We need animal control up in dis hoe, ASAP! Letâs set the stage here: enter raccoons into the humble abodes of our Van der Linde gang. The raccoon seems to have made itself comfortable in their kitchen, muchinâ on a little snack, perhaps some cookies. How will our beloved outlaws handle this situation?Â
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Makes immediate eye contact with the four-legged intruder.Â
This man can craft a speech from thin air; suddenly, the one singular raccoon has turned plural and will heed every command Van der Linde has to offer.
No, he does not intend to call animal control.
Yes, he will be using this newfound army of raccoons for ill intent.
Respectfully ushers the raccoon out of his house.Â
Uses Jack as a human shield.
Literally just open fires with his pistol; Iâm talking stray bullets everywhere.
Heâs incredibly lucky that he has no neighbors.Â
While John is shooting into open space, Abigail snatches her son and locks him in the bathroom.
Jack Marston will not be getting rabies; sheâs already dealing with one rabid man in the household.
Finds her old broom in a closet and swats the raccoon out of the house with utmost precision.
John is still shooting. Â
Is locked in the bathroom.Â
Wakes up to the sound of gunfire (kudos to John).
Later finds that he himself has unwanted company in his kitchen.
The raccoon got its head stuck in his pickle jar, so Arthur is now tasked with a raccoon rescue mission at 3 a.m.
After some awkward rotation of the jar, the raccoon was able to wriggle itself free.Â
Bites Arthur as a token of its thanks.
We gather here today to mourn the extremely abrupt loss of Mr. Raccoon. He was shot upon entering the Bell residence, closing in on 3 a.m. He was a father of 179, Husband to 30. We will never see his likes againâŠ
Was bitten as a childâhas been traumatized ever since.Â
When he went to investigate the rummaging sounds from the kitchen, he was met with the animal's yellow eyes in the darkâŠhe knew what it was.Â
Tries to use a chair to keep the distance between him and the intruder; the raccoon jumps onto the chair to give Javier a little frenchie (i.e., licks his nose).Â
Javier leaves the residence.Â
He watches the raccoon eat his food from outside the window.Â
Despite his burly, aggressive demeanour, heâs an animal lover at heart.
Yeah, this is a funny-looking âdogâ, but that doesnât mean Bill wonât try to be friendly to it.
Unfortunately, as he tried to offer some organic peanut butter over the shredded cheese the raccoon was already invested in, the rodent scurried off to where it came from.Â
Leaves small cheese piles around his backyard to this day.
Charles has a designated animal sanctuary built into his home.Â
There is no need for the raccoon to break in; rather, it helps itself to a warm bed, food, and a clean water source.
Charles finds the raccoon, amongst several other animals, cuddled up on some hay the next morning. Â
The raccoon is found raiding a pantry, spread eagle balancing between two open cupboards.Â
Honestly, Lenny felt bad for it and just let it do its thing, under supervision, of course.Â
When the raccoon was finished, it let itself out.
Lenny now keeps a small pile of nuts, cookies, and other treats on his deck for when the four-legged visitor returns.Â
The raccoon could not enter the Adler residence.
Was caught in a booby trap just outside.
You know how in Avatar they connect their braids with the animalsâŠYeahâŠ
Sean thinks heâs broken the 4th wall when the raccoon doesnât immediately attack him.
When he tried to shuffle closer towards it, the raccoon sprinted past him, utilizing his head for a parkour stunt.Â
Heâs got a paw print embedded on his forehead.Â
Ushered the raccoon out of the house efficiently after Seanâs shenanigans.
After watching the raccoon practically backflip off Seanâs head, she followed it out, using her foot to direct the rodent out the back door she meticulously left open.Â
Took Sean to the walk-in clinic just in case.Â
The raccoonâs first mistake was targeting Grimshawâs house.Â
When she heard uninvited rummaging from the kitchen, she came ready, shotgun in hand, to blast the rodent into the next life.Â
Fortunately, nobody went home with missing limbs that night, and the raccoon lives to tell the tale.Â
The rodent took one look at Susan, graciously apologized (using whatever raccoon gesture), and let itself out.Â
Animals and humans alike, seriously, do not break into Susan Grimshawâs house.Â
Miss Oâshea got that fire in her.
Despite Mollyâs initial shock, the daily newspaper is immediately rolled into a makeshift weapon and gripped tightly in her right hand.Â
Itâs a battle that unfolds; the raccoon is literally leaping from corner to corner while Molly swats the air, closing in behind the rodent.
The raccoon literally crashes through the window (leaving a raccoon-shaped hole in the process) to escape Mollyâs newspaper roll.Â
Immediately ushered to the hospital to be administered a rabies shot.Â
âŠFree protein source for stew.
Feeds it to the gang at the next potluck, says itâs chicken.Â
Screaming bloody murder.Â
prancing around on his tippy toes in order to minimize the surface area that could potentially come into contact with the monstrosity in his kitchen.Â
The raccoon is completely unfazed; it continues chowing down on Trelawnyâs fine cheeses.
Said raccoon later becomes fed up with Trelawnyâs bullshit and decides to leave on its own.
Didnât even notice the raccoonâs presence.Â
Itâs been in the house for three days.Â
Mistakes the raccoon for a small child eating from his fridge.
Brings said âchildâ to the nearest fire department and demanded that they offer shelter to this poor baby.Â
Obviously, they refused.Â
Swanson becomes a father overnight.Â
When he wakes up sober the next morning, he finds the raccoon and shredded cheese in his bed.Â
The first person to actually just call animal control.Â
When she meets the raccoon's eyes as it's chowing down on her fridge contents, she swiftly locks herself in the bathroom and dials the number.
They arrive on site within 10 minutes and safely return the raccoon to its natural habitat.Â
She tosses everything in her fridge that night and makes a hefty grocery haul in the morning.Â
Pulls out that Snow White BS, the raccoon literally becomes her friend.
Puts a little bow in the raccoon's hair and domesticates it.Â
Sheâs trained it to bite men.Â
Screams, runs, trips, hits head, falls unconscious.Â
Wakes up surrounded by a dozen raccoons sacrificing him for a jar of peanut butter.
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