Rant blah blah blah what am I on about am I right 🫄
I don't know, I feel like this has something to do with becoming a jinx fictionkin or if I'm actually going through this just myself due to insecurities..
Lately I've been feeling symptoms of BPD or smth (I have suspecting bpd, my sister has it, I believe my mom does too)
And I hate it, every second of it I don't feel in control of my emotions or my identity
And I'm assuming I'm either going through a depressive episode or BPD episode OR some kinda episode of ANYTHING I don't know what it is
But my identity is actually kinda messing with me...AGAIN
I can't tell if I wanna be butch, I can't tell if I wanna be femme I thought identifying as futch would be easier but it's like who would date a futch THE LESBIAN COMMUNITY SEEMS TO HATE FUTCH'S and think that the term futch is lesbophobic : ( I can't tell if I wanna be the femme of a butchfemme relationship or the butch maybe I wanna be both for someone
I can't tell if I want to be feminine or masculine I know I want to be androgynous but even that doesn't feel like it's enough it's like I need to be one to be understood and it's frustrating
It's frustrating to feel like I'm being trapped inside a box, I can't be feminine if I'm a Transmasc or butch I can't be masculine if I'm a Transfem or femme
I can't be Transfem and transmasc, I don't know which one I want to be more, transmasc or transfem
I want a penis, but I don't want boobs, but I want a small boobs and a penis
I keep changing my name, ever since the incident I STOPPED using the name "mercy" a long long time ago, and now I'm stop in the spiral of names I was in before yet at the same time I don't give a fuck I'll find a name that suits me then If I don't like it I'll change it but it feels tiring when my friends batter me about it I understand it's hard but I don't really have an official name yet except for Caitlyn
I don't know what pronouns to use anymore .. but I know I'll figure it out
I wish I was amab so I could just be Transfem because at the same time I could be a girly guy
I hate being afab and I wish I wasn't seen as female
I can't be non-binary because I still feel the need to label my gender
I can't be omnisexual because I feel like a lesbian
I can't be a mspec, Omni lesbian or lesboy because lesbians HATE ME and will call me straight or just a woman
I'm not a man I'm not a woman
I show too much emotions and everything spills out or I say something mean or I won't say anything and let things keep hurting me or irritating me causing problems
I feel lonely and desire a partner but then I'm telling myself to just stay single and that nobody would want someone like me
I'm too weird I'm too quiet I'm too sensitive I'm too angry I'm too everything and nothing
I don't know why I feel like I need a partner to feel valid...maybe because I desire validation, love, someone to share things romantically with, someone to make happy, I feel happy by making others happy...
Sorry for this random post... I'm going through it rn 💗💗 I just feel really lonely and it's hard
