The Ramblings of an Insecure Writer

scream into the void. if you're alone maybe it'll scream back.

[aninsecurewriter]

Hello there!

I like to read and I like to write, and I can get a bit obsessed with stuff easily. I use this blog to discuss my thoughts on books / movies as well as to rant about writing. Tbh, I don't use it loads. But hope you enjoy what's in my head. Also, not good at being concise, so prepare for long posts.

CURRENT READS

- Promethean Horrors - British Library Anthology

- The Final Battle by C.S Lewis (audiobook)

TV SHOWS

- Ripley

- Doctor Who (season 3)

WIPs

- The Ocean Sings for those who listen (Long story)

- Possible novel? Unsure yet. Still working it out.

[aninsecurewriter]

Invincible Season 1 - My Review- SPOILERS

💙💙💙💙💙

Absolutely incredible show. Hands down.

Starting this show off, I nearly quit in the first episode. The ending, of that first episode, made me absolutely sick to my stomach. I was totally and widely unprepared for that sequence. I think it was because my brain was recognizing that it was animated, and thus it had prepared itself for normal cartoon "violence".

Not what actually appeared on my screen.

But once I had prepared myself properly, it made watching the show a lot more enjoyable. Although, admittedly, I had to look away a lot until my boyfriend told me it was ok to look again.

The plot that it follows is quite up and down. Partly a... teen-coming-of-age story as Mark discovers his powers and tries to juggle impending alien invasions with a new relationship. Partly a detective mystery as everyone tries to figure out why Omni-Man... does the things he does. One of these plot points i found far more interesting, but the other crafted such a wonderfully well-rounded character that no matter what you cannot help but really root for Mark. Even when he makes terrible decisions and you scream at the TV, you have to root for him because he is so morally pure and he is so naively ambitious, it really shows how much toll that role would take when you cannot save everyone. No matter how much you try, and Mark tries so hard.

Omni-Man is probably one of my favourite TV villains. The epitome of the title: manipulative narcissist. The way that he interacts with his family, with the agents and other superhero, it all shows his true mindset. But he does such an incredible job of making you root for him. So many times, in his interactions with Mark or Debbie, I found myself thinking that he was such a good dad/husband. J.K Simmons plays the role to absolute PERFECTION. He was truly made for that role. Whenever Omni-Man is on screen you know you're gonna be manipulated but in the best way possible.

Even Omni-Man and Mark aside, all of the "side" characters are crafted incredibly. The second Guardians of the Globe, almost all of the characters are well-rounded and clash or work together in incredibly realistic ways (shrinking girl aside, she is quite forgettable). Amber, Eve, and William are all incredible characters and friends and they each go through their own arc that add to their characters alone, and are not just existing to support Mark. Even the Twins, the blue clone boys, which so easily could have been throw away villains are so dynamic I just love them. Honestly, the characters within this show are it's greatest strength, which is saying a lot since this review has been pretty much all strengths.

Everything that follows in the final two episodes are shocking, horrible, disgusting, gut-wrenching, and heart-breaking. I watched it today and I feel as if I am steel reeling. This is maybe one of the first times I am apprehensive to watch the next season, as I am scared it won't be as good as the first (or that it'll take the gore to the next level). But no matter what, I trust the writers and the incredible story they have created and i cannot wait to see what the next season will hold (hopefully some more Omni-Man, even more hopeful of him getting humbled).

[aninsecurewriter]

Count of Monte Cristo Thoughts

Page 820 / 1,243 - M. De Villefort as a villain - SPOILERS obv

While there are many clear villains throughout this novel, Villefort, in particular, can be seen to take the forefront, as he was the one who gave the final blow. Danglars orchestrated it, Fernand carried it out, and Villefort threw away the key. Villefort was protecting himself. He was protecting his legacy, his father even, which in part I understand, but he sacrificed a man who, he even acknowledged himself, was so similar to him.

Now, as Villefort is shown presently, his legacy has been secured and he is even more desperate to protect it. To defend himself against the shame he perceived his father's past could bring. This desperation mirrors the exact desperation we saw influence his final decision in locking Dante's away. Although, currently, I am unsure the hand that Dantes is playing in these events, it is interesting to see how Villefort's desperate play for control is what is most likely going to bring about his downfall.

As a villain, he is brilliant. He is the embodiment of selfish fear. Willing to sacrifice anyone. He sacrificed Dantes, he sacrificed Madame Danglars to suffer through the "death" alone, he sacrificed his child who he knew was alive because of what the scandal would mean, and now he is willing to sacrifice his own daughter to cover up a final connection that would scandalize his name. Dumas shows how far Villefort would truly go to protect himself, specifically his legacy as a judge, and how he does not even see the others around him as having thoughts but merely as pawns in his own game. As Villefort states in regards to his own daughter, "I guarantee there will be no objection from that side" (p. 816), which truly shows the way in which he assumes everyone within his power will bend to his will.

It is this selfish intent and the way he desperately fights to keep those around him completely under his control, to do as he seems best and fit, which truly makes Villefort this incredible villain. A villain so easy to hate and whose vices will be his karmic downfall.

[aninsecurewriter]

American Gods - Book Review - 4.5/5

American Gods is one of those books that most people know immediately. Personally, I had been really interested in reading it for quite a while. The concept as a whole was fascinating and allowed for so much creative flow in terms of the shape that these gods could take, questions such as "What are things that we worship in our modern society and how would these shape a god" rising from it. Overall, from reading this book, I felt it matched my expectations and, in part, exceeded them. However, in one area I did feel quite let down.

Everyone who knows Neil Gaiman knows that he is on the forefront of impactful and creative plots in literature today, and this book showcases that perfectly! Gaiman weaves this beautiful story, showcasing the unseen war between the gods of old with the gods who have arisen from modern America. Interspersed throughout the novel as well are sections where we learn of some of the immigrants who came to America, and the gods who came with them. How the gods of old are now battling for life in a world that is slowly killing them with a lack of belief and worship. We follow Shadow as he navigates this world that, since boyhood, he has felt connected with although he never knew what it was. As Shadow learns of the gods, their struggles, and how he fits into this mysterious war. The plot of this book is a definite highlight, a slow build towards an inevitable war but the journey made all the more interesting by the discovery we go on alongside Shadow.

A part of this novel that I adored was the character Gaiman crafts. As someone who grew up reading tons of old folktales from different cultures seeing them retold in this completely different settings gave me a feeling of nostalgia I never knew I needed. Seeing characters such as Anansi and Anubis making their way outside of their culture and their different paths made me so much more invested as it felt like reading of a childhood friend. For that alone, I love this novel. However my one quip with this novel comes here. My biggest draw for this novel was to read about the ideas and concepts of "new gods" and what do they look like, act like, how have we as Americans created them and subsequently become enslaved to them. However, aside from a few, we really didn't meet any. The ones we met were great but the continual name drops showed that the idea for more was there but it was never fully shown. I was quite disappointed by this as I felt it was an amazing concept and so much more could've been done with it, to add to the folklore with new characters as well as building upon what was there.

Obviously, the world building in American Gods is incredible. One of my favorite types of worlds are ones where it's almost ours. Worlds like Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, most horror fiction in a way, and Miss Peregrine's. This novel fits perfectly into it. The world is recognizable as ours, but there is so much more to it that the typical people of the world can't see. That's what makes it so beautiful, these subtle yet drastic differences in the world. Exploring something that's hidden yet so plainly in sight, the undercurrent of even our own world and the idea that we're gonna be worshipping something, no matter what it is. It's this thought that crafts the world of Gaiman's America, where the gods of old live in, sometimes, harmony, and we see their interactions with the more modern world as it is ever changing.

I think Gaiman has proved over and over again that he is a master at writing, one of those writers who will go down as a classic from our time. He harnesses this ability that all writers crave, to be able to create a beautiful idea from a simple sentence. To leave readers desperate to hear more through just five words. It's what becomes the heart of the book, the voice of Shadow as he makes sense of a world beyond typical comprehension. And through these struggles we see Gaiman's prowess at crafting a typically difficult concept and making it into something which causes the reader not just to understand but to truly think.

The novel was an absolutely beautiful one! The idea and concept behind it were enough to capture me and throughout the whole novel it kept dragging me further into this world. The characters he crafts are masterful, and aside from my own gripe I really struggle to fault this novel. I just hope maybe, one day, he'll do something to explore it even further.

[aninsecurewriter]

💚💚💚💚💚

Nostalgia. This novel is just pure nostalgia to me.

I re-read this series because of the new TV show coming out, and I was very stubborn about finding the exact book covers I'd used to own. Managed to, a bit beat up, but getting to reread it how I had once read it as a kid was so worth it.

Re-reading this series did truly remind me of how middle school it truly is. With this book particularly it was in regards to the spacing of the plot and style of writing, however that's not meant as a negative (I am aware it is a kids book). I think, it became so wrapped up in the nostalgia and how much I loved it, it became a bit romanticized in that respect. But the rest of the novel was not.

This novel is the PERFECT introductory to this world, where we meet a vast cast of God's, reimagined mythological creatures, and different familiar scenarios now modernized. Truly the kids version of American Gods. It was like going home, to the descriptions of Camo Half-Blood and Mr. D's sarcastic remarks. The way that it is crafted flows so well, and was easy to follow and, most importantly, didn't treat the readers like kids. Instead, it presented difficult narratives and ideas but in a digestible format that really showed me, as an adult, how much impact this series had on my love of books as a kid.

What a beautiful introduction to the world of Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

[aninsecurewriter]

100 must-read books!

This is a list of books considered "must-reads" from various lists and online posters. I'll be reviewing them as I go but mainly keeping track of what I have and haven't read here.

American Gods by Neil Gaiman

Lord of the Flies by William Golding

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder

Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

Matilda by Roald Dahl

The Secret History by Donna Tart

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep by Philip K. Dick

The Godfather by Mario Puzo

Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie

The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat by Oliver Sacks

Noughts and Crosses by Malorie Blackman

In Cold Blood by Truman Capote

Frankenstein by Mary Shelly

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

Norwegian Wood bt Haruki Murakami

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey

The Man in the Iron Mask by Alexandre Dumas

The Color Purple by Alice Walker

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson

Lolita Vladimir Nabokov

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

The Harry Potter Series by J.K Rowling

His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman

The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway

The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

The Road by Cormac McCarthy

Ulysses by James Joyce

Bad Science by Ben Goldacre

I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson

Les Miserables by Victor Hugo

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D Salinger

The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame

Wild Swans by Jung Chang

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy by John le Carre

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky

The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

Gulliver's Travels by Johnathan Swift

The War of the Worlds by H.G Wells

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt

Persuasion by Jane Austen

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

Beloved by Toni Morrison

A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess

American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis

Notes from a Small Island by Bill Bryson

Macbeth by Shakespeare

The Lord of the Rings (trilogy) by J.R.R Tolkien

The Outsiders by S.E Hinton

Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf

The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami

Schindler's Ark by Thomas Keneally

London Fields by Martin Amis

Sherlock Holmes and the The Hound of the Baskerville's by Arthur Conan Doyle

My Man Jeeves by P.G Wodehouse

The English Patient by Michael Ondaatje

The Mill on the Floss by George Eliot

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Gladys Aylward the Little Woman by Gladys Aylward

Mindnight's Children by Salman Rushdie

Tess of the D'Ubervilles by Thomas Hardy

The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas by John Boyne

Hamlet by William Shakespeare

Goodnight Mister Tom by Michelle Magorian

Dissolution by C.J Sansom

The Time Machine by H.G Wells

Winnie the Pooh (complete collection) by A.A Milne

Animal Farm by George Orwell

The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank

The Castle by Franz Kafka

Dracula by Bram Stoker

All Quiet on the Western Front by Eric Maria Remarque

Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

To The Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf

Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden

Misery by Stephen King

The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S Lewis

The Shining by Stephen King

The Odyssey by Homer

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson

Tell No One by Harlan Coben

Moby Dick by Herman Melville

A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

Middlemarch by George Eliot

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

[aninsecurewriter]

Do Revenge - My Thoughts - SPOILERS

• This movie absolutely had such a massive 90s feel as well as a massive 2020s feel. Like, this is the first movie I've seen that I feel I can accurately pin down as a 2020's movie.

• I liked the plot twist. Where Eleanor was Nora and Drea had bullied her when they were 13. That the story she told was the one that Drea had done to her, but hadn't ever actually done. Insane to me.

Thought they were gonna turn it around at the end where they're like "actually we were always on each others side! To expose this boy who's name I can't even remember" so glad it didn't do that, and I did like that he got exposed. He was such a confusing prick.

• Tara supremacy

• Camilla Mendes is so pretty.

• I didn't really like.. The arc they tried to do with Drea's character. It was confusing. She was good, then bad, then good then bad. She just ketp going up and down and I think by the end she had a turn around by rejecting the opportunity to go to Yale and going with Russ (I think was his name) but I felt like her actual character arc was quite... Empty. So that was a bit disapointing, personally.

[aninsecurewriter]

Scream VI - My thoughts - SPOILERS!!!

I loved this movie. Tbf, could be because I'm just a simple horror movie fan who adores the structure of the Scream movies. However this was just so fun and I had such a blast watching it, just a great movie!

And the fact that it's out of Woodsboro and in New York was amazing! The people did such a good job with the use of this new setting, with the alleys and especially the subway. It was so good!

With so many theories that this killer would be Stu, and then Mindy even mentioning it in the movie. My gosh... They better not do it. Matthew Lillard's performance in the original was amazing and if they bring him back I think it might be ruined and my heart will never forgive them for that. Let him die, with his amazing performance as Stu living on.

This killer was so incredibly brutal! It was both amazing, terrifying, and so out of character. So like... Good and bad for me. It made the killer far more menacing and scary, especially with the mask, but it also kinda takes away some of the comedic effect that makes me love the first scream and the clumsy killings of Billy and Stu.

I sorta have mixed feelings on the reveal of the killers. The family, and how it revolves around Richie, such a whiny little jerk. So kinda annoyed that he became the catalyst cause he was such a null killer in the last movie.

HOWEVER my jaw was on the floor at the sight of two ghost faces on screen, and how happy that made me! Idk if it has happened in 2, 3 or 4 but this was the only time I noted that both, in costume, were there and it had my jaw on the floor.

They really shouldn't have pulled so many punches on killing off the main characters. The "core four" were still alive by the end, how silly is that! And even Gale is alive after teasing her death. I kinda get it after killing Dewey last movie, but still don't tease it and then not follow through. Tbh though, actually just annoyed that the same four managed to survive. And it's the second time that Chad has "died" but then "oh he's still alive" and that's just a bit silly and annoying to me. Wish they would've killed more of them, would've been interesting.

Ngl, after this movie I absolutely want Sam and Tara to be the killers in the next movie. Idk how they'll believably do it, but my gosh I want it. I want Sam to be the bad guy one day, with her fathers mask as well. Purely because they're trying hard not to do it but it's like Chekhov's gun. It's there, on the table. Stop toying with it and shoot it! Please!

(the killer waiting for the subway)

[aninsecurewriter]

"At that moment, the urge to be writing was stronger than any notion she had of what she might write. What she wanted was to be lost to the unfolding of an irresistible idea, to see the black thread spooling out from the end of her scratchy silver nib and coiling into words"

- 'Atonement' by Ian McEwan

[aninsecurewriter]

"you know what I dreamed, in the 30 minutes it took you to call me?

I dreamed of this. Us talking, 30 minutes later. I dreamed of us working it out, cause I think even then I knew it was a bit of a fantasy"

[aninsecurewriter]

A creative, contemplative rant on being open with others.

I don't like being open with people,

Which has become a recent problem.

It's just a me thing. If I have a problem, I should be the one to sort it. I don't need to drag others down my issues, my insecurities, my worries and my fears. They're mine, aren't they? I shouldn't burden others with them.

I've lasted this way for a while. Reserved online, reserved in real life. I open up in little ways, enough so people think they know what I'm actually worried about. They think they know my deepest fears. But they don't. They've seen what I want them to see, so they don't dig deeper and I don't have to reveal anything that's actually there.

This has worked for years, but now it's a problem. It's a problem because I have a boyfriend and we've been together nearly a year, known each other for longer.

This is a problem because he knows me. Not only does he know me but he loves me and wants to help support and care for me. He knows what I tell him but he knows that there's more. It's as he said to me the other night, he knows me and he knows when I'm upset or haven't told him the full story. He asks me to be open and I want to be. I am, but my impulse is to hide away. When I'm open the guilt eats away that I am only hurting him by giving him my issues. I want to be open, I want to be better at being open because I know it hurts him when I hide away.

But it scares me to be that open because I have a feeling it'll only push him away in the end, if he sees what's truly there.

[aninsecurewriter]

I'm on my way to my Shakespeare module so I'll probably have it spoiled for me so just gonna go ahead and get out my prediction for his play King Lear.

Lear is going to end up betrayed and left alone with no one around him by the end. Betrayed by those who work for him and his remaining daughters. He has confused truth as being opposite to love and given in to their eloquent, but ultimately meaningless, speeches of love. He has pushed away those who truly loved him and showed it in their critiques and honesty towards him.

[aninsecurewriter]

Sermon Notes -> 1/29/23 -> Song of Songs 2:8-17

• We feel entitled to the optimism and hope of spring coming after winter because we know it's true since it's happened before

• This is the same with Jesus

• The idea that Jesus is coming again is something that is a part of our christian faith but we're not eagerly anticipating his arrival in our day to day life.

• We should tune ourselves to resonate with this song and ignite in us a desire for the "beloved man" (Jesus) to return to us.

1. Spring is Coming

○ A play, setting before us the romance of Jesus with us

○ Love between a man and women pursuing this innocence and holiness of God with us

○ With the arrival of this man comes spring. Inviting her out of the winter of her lonely room.

○ Daydreaming of what it will be like when he comes. When winter turns to spring.

○ It could be corruptred to loving the idea rather than Jesus himself

2. Love is Calling

○ dreams coming true, but not having it with the one you truly love.

○ How delighted both the man and woman are with each other

○ His call not offering anything but wanting to delight in her

○ The delight isn't in the spring but in enjoying it together

○ Catching the foxes. The threats. Only rest and security after

○ Jesus loves us despite what we do. He just wants to be with us. Devotional time is enjoying and feeling that love

3. Wait in a Hurry

○ It's not simply waiting patiently. She wants it now. She's not stressed, but she can't wait for it.

○ Longing we have for winter to be over. For Jesus to come.

○ better spring is coming. Love is calling

[aninsecurewriter]

My own statements based off the line "love is a lie"

• Looking at love is looking through a stained glass window

• Love is always falsely advertised. The realotu is much more crushing than liberating.

• Mr Darcy isn't real. Only Patrick Bateman.

• I never trusted wedding vows

• The most obvious lie anyone can say is "I love you"

• You know you're in love when the butterflies start attacking you

[aninsecurewriter]

"But that is how a tragedy like ours or King Lears breaks your heart - by making you believe that the ending might still be happy, until the very last minute."

- If We Were Villains by M.L Rio (2017)

[aninsecurewriter]

Sermon notes -> 1/1/23 -> Psalm 62:5-12 -> Altadena Valley Presbyterian

• Jesus responds to stress by resting in God

• rest first

1. Talk to yourself, don't listen to yourself

○ v 5-9

○ Unhappiness in life coming from listening to yourself. The thoughts that come when you first wake up

○ Confront yourself. Confront these wrong thoughts with the truth

○ Temptation to lean on other comforters. False truths

○ *where is your hope" - what will you lean on

○ God is not the one who defends you, he is your defence

§ Difference between needing God to help us and God being our everything

○ In God is life. Outside God is death

○ Talking to ourselves is a weapon against the pressure to constantly perform and confirm and accept false expectations and realities

○ By reflecting on God we can perform to our best because we can rest in him

2. Talk to God - pour out your hearts to him

○ The place to go is God himself

○ Only God knows exactly what you need

○ Helping each other pour out our hearts to God by being able to do so with each other

○ Do we need more input or more rest?

○ Rest comes from pouring out to God

○ We need God's death. We need his refuge.

○ Assurance we don't just need his rest, but we have it.

3. Embrace your limits

○ v 9-12

○ The performance of vanity is useless

○ Comfort culture VS hustle culture

§ Trying not to fall into either

○ Prayerfully seek God as we seek to see how God has designed us

○ Accept the gift of our limits

○ Boast in our weaknesses. In resting in God to take care of us

○ Limit causes us to trust in one thing. In Christ Alone

○ Power and steadfast love belong to God. They're his possession to give to whomever he pleased. And he pleases to give it to those who trust in him.

○ What are we working for? What are we striving for? What is it we really want?