ECHOES OF CONSCIOUSNESS

A series of internal monologues

[anirtsibug]

When your plans make more sense

and your love becomes evident,

I start to see the providence

behind the things that have happened.

You have wooed me back to you.

In your absence, I don’t know what to do.

Now, you’re the one that I want to pursue.

With Your grace, I will be renewed.

[anirtsibug]

I miss you

but i realize what do i really miss?

i miss all the dates you didn’t took me

i miss the flowers you did not bring

i miss the holidays you didn’t spend with me

i miss the weekends you spent playing games

i miss all the walks you took by yourself

i miss the hand that barely held me

i miss all the leave days you took just for yourself

i miss the breakfasts you had in front of your computer desk

i miss the intimacy we lost since you were on your phone before we go to bed

i miss the special days we didn’t really celebrate

i miss the trips you didn’t want to take

i miss the kisses you withhold from me

i miss the days when you wait for me to go to work and masturbate

i miss the promises you failed to keep

i miss the goals you took for-granted

i miss the concerns you chose to dismiss

i miss the plans you didn’t initiate

i miss the birthdays you didn’t pay

i miss the meals we didn’t had together

i miss the dreams of family we didn’t pursue

i miss the kids we wanted but never made

i miss the marriage that i thought i had but never did.

i miss the love i deprived myself.

is there really much to miss?

[anirtsibug]

World

you said you found your person

but didn’t appreciate nor reciprocate.

made them leave and when they did,

they end up being blamed for it.

you gave all the reasons

and pushed them out of your home.

your decisions changes every season,

no wonder you often find yourself alone.

is it really the world being cruel?

or is it you being cruel to what was given?

it’s not the world to be blame for this time,

the world just made it even.

[anirtsibug]

God gave you a respectable woman

but you still disrespected her.

God is looking at you now confused,

thinking ‘twas what you’ve prayed for.

Compared her to your ex wife

saying, she was better than her.

no wonder she is so insecure;

her worth you brutally lowered.

You got loyalty you never deserved.

Innocence you continuously severed.

A woman you left unheard;

Her image now soiled and besmirched.

[anirtsibug]

Above all else

When I chose you above all else

you always prioritized something else

so I went home to find my old self

and realized how tiring it is to dwell

in a life that keeps you unwell. 

[anirtsibug]

Choose

Got the bare minimum 

and just breadcrumbs

while I pour my all to you

unheard of, dismissed. 

told I was dumb

but I kept choosing you.

but sadly when 

it was your turn to choose, love.

It wasn’t me that you chose

I headed east where home is

because this time 

it’s me that I chose.

[anirtsibug]

"A couple of small cracks can already break a glass."

[anirtsibug]

"Things have changed substanially; all things have lost its substance."

[anirtsibug]

"You will never change what you tolerate."

[anirtsibug]

Paramount

We should be careful of our actions especially if it can influence someone's mental stability. Depression is not a hoax. Please do not take it for granted. Mental health is paramount and should remain as so. Hence, the functionality of our thinking and the association of it to our quality of life should stand at the very apex of our priorities. Depression is real, it is here, it is present. Maybe we all just are unaware, but keep in mind that the inevitable probability of it existing within our own circle, within our family and friends, can't be denied. No matter what we try to say nevertheless, oblivion and ignorance cannot justify our insensitive approach to this matter. If you had hurt someone, you are accountable to it. You are responsible to the pain and trauma and such responsibility will remain chained around your neck until you find the courage to acknowledge it. Negligence of accountability is an embarassment. In my opinion, it makes you less of a person. Your value as a whole substanially declines to a level comparable to an animal.

[anirtsibug]

Clowns

To be governed by clowns is a joke. Nevertheless, I would still prefer it more rather than be led by selfish people. Sometimes, incompetence is not the worst thing there is. Sometimes, the worst is the lack of empathy and consideration to the people that you are working with. Those pompous evil fucks, ultimately self-centered and egotistical, dress like proper people pretending to be good folks are the type that I am very much repulsed of. They are building facade around their hideous indentities and letting loose of benevelont words that do not have much value or meaning to them — that indeed disgusts me. I am very curious as to how they can keep up with their fake selves. Covered up politics, as if our workplace is a congress. Treating everything like authority is absolute: nothing is absolute. If the person that I am referring to is reading this, I would just like to remind you that your sense of entitlement and self-absorbed view of the world will be the very reason of your downfall. Now might not yet be the day, but in any ways possible the world will eventually slap you with all the things that you have done — twofold. And my eyes will be brimmed with tears of joy if that time comes.

[anirtsibug]

Hate

I close my eyes, I hear voices. Hate translated to words. Hate that is not simply hate. But that kind in which I have hoped this hate will turn into karma, into something tangible and problematic to the person I am hating. I pray to all the gods and to my God not for healing nor forgiveness but for the misfortune of that particular person that I currently so hate the most. I first chose to forgive and let things pass. I witnessed despicable authority and I did first chose to not retaliate against it. But the continued uncorrected actions and empty apologies that have induced this heavy emotional burden have become so dreadfully unbearable to a point in which I have realized that the person didn't even deserve forgiveness at the first place.

[anirtsibug]

Diamonds

"While you're busy looking for gold, you lose diamonds."

I saw this quote a while ago and I have realized that I have taken for granted a substantial amount of valuable things in my life. Deplorably, I got too fixated on achieving those things that I want in expense of the things that I already have. Sadly, I have forgotten the fact that now is also important — as important as what lies ahead.

[anirtsibug]

Day One

Growing up, I thought that happiness is measured by the things that you have. I used to believe that materialistic things will justify how well you can live your life. But now I have realized that the entirety of the beauty of life itself is not dependent on tangible entities but it relies more on those that cannot been seen but felt. The past, my past, have been an epoch revolving around earning and gaining those futile things that do not actually matter at all. That is why now, will be a new era in pursuit of something greater, of something that even some of the wealthy and the perfect cannot pursue. Day one and one day are two different things and now is day one. Day one, of trying to be more happy. Day one, of self love.

[anirtsibug]

"Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely."

[anirtsibug]

Words

I love words. The flexibility of its usage is limitless which bares the essence of invigorating freedom. The freedom to put to words those complicated emotions and perplexing feelings that no one can understand. The freedom to express yourself: from anger, to joy, to remorse, to regret. It is also a cure. Well, I cure my sadness with poetry. I cure my lonely soul with beautiful affirmations. I comfort my grief with odes and lamentations. And I choose to continue with my life and my struggles because of the words that I say to myself — motivation. Words itself, alone, mean nothing but once you give meaning to it, there lies its purpose. You give power to words. And it also gives you power in return.

[anirtsibug]

Complexity

The complexity of life is a challenge to comprehend. The nature of such is not a binary thing to be easily described and understood. In life, there is no such thing as black or white but it is an array of gray tones in between.