The minute Hyojin asked where Anise was from, Nuying’s mouth clamped on her lip, teeth edging the soft pudgy thing with regret and a bit of embarrassment. Conversation was supposed to be that the give and take, the talk and listen. Listening Nuying could do, that she could do well, she archived the things she heard like save files and starred them by difficulty. But she was failing at the other part.
For years she talked too much, said the wrong things, her opinions had made her odd and not worthy of friends. She didn’t want that existence; it hurt. No matter how she felt, maybe they had all been right, that maybe she did belong in orbit or on some other planet. A tiny, microscopic part of her said that there had to be someone, or some someones that could understand her, that didn’t find her some lost space being.
Until she found them, she continued to fail at conversations, mostly. Instead of being strange, she was just rude, non-engaging, a c and not a f, barely passing.
Her hands made it to her lap, nails pinching the skin between index and thumb. But she still listened. Listened and wondered about the questions too. Would she stay in Korea for the rest of her life, start a family? Her kind of person? Their body?
Somehow peach sweats and a beefy friend floated in her mind. The feel of the lower abdomen and the warmth of two aside her. The solemn definite sulk that existed on her face, eased. Cheeks puffed, lips pushed out, a teeny smirk crept onto the corner of her mouth. A dumpy, she remembered, he said he had a dumpy.
Teddy was probably a lot of people’s type, with that dumpy and all that beef. He made for good cuddles, he and Songwoo. It was warm and soft, but firm. The smirk had grown, evolved to an actual smile.
She nodded at Taejin, smile growing. “Yea big and beefy”, she said before realizing her hands hand relaxed and were in view, making a squishing motion.
“I can see why that would be good. Does feel nice…”, her voice trailed off, eyes widened, and she looked around their group before letting out a squeak of a chuckle, hands lowering to her lap. She had stared at the cute belly long enough. She totally got it. Cute bellies and bodies, cute smiles and lots of beef. “It’s probably good to know what you like huh?” she asked with real thought going in it. “Do you have to try all the flavours to know?” She asked then immediately answered herself. “No, I knew I liked strawberry before I had pistachios”, she added. “But I guess you should know”, she pondered more. “Can’t be bad to know. It’s like making a list to go shopping, it’s productive. Anise, do you like the ballerina build or more beef?” she wondered with a tilt of her head if the beef made them bad dancers. Somehow, she didn’t see Teddy at the barre, going through the positions, but she might like to.
Taejin laughed with delight. “See, she gets it.”
Hyojin, who had once mentioned that her husband worked a physical labor job and must be pretty beefy himself, nodded in agreement. “I know most people like to say that they knew their husbands were The One at first sight,” she said, looking off into the distance as if recalling the memory. “But that wasn’t how it was like for me and my husband. It took me a bit of time. So I guess you could say I had to shop around first.”
Anise mulled over Nuying’s question. “I guess it depends,” she said at last, “If we’re talking about men or women.”
Jinhee was silently sipping his tea, listening to the ladies. He was beanpole thin, and if Anise had to guess, was probably chastised for it for most of his life. He had admitted to her in private that he’d taken her course to put on some lean muscle. The beauty conventions for Korean men and German men were different, but in Anise’s time in Seoul, she’d witnessed a trend of Korean men attempting to look like Marvel superheroes. V-shaped torsos and chiseled abs. It was a stark contrast from what had been the previous standard, waifish Flower Boys. But like most aesthetic conventions, it was equally toxic and nearly impossible to achieve unless you happened to win the genetic jackpot.
“I’ve been attracted to all types of bodies in the past,” Anise went on. “I know it’s probably not the answer you’re looking for, but I don’t think I have a type. At least not physically. I guess I prefer someone who is active, given that’s such a big part of my own life, but I think that has more to do with the sort of activities I enjoy rather than what I like to look at. Though I suppose those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.”
Anise had a habit of turning what was otherwise a basic question into an abstract discussion. In line with the conversation they were having, she supposed that was another aspect she looked for in a partner: someone she could talk to. Really talk to.
“Is it 50-50?” Hyojin wanted to know. “Your attraction to men. And women.” While Hyojin wasn’t old by any stretch (she had recently turned 37), Korea was a stunted nation when it came to topics like gay marriage. While Anise’s European sentiments would never think to extend the ‘they’re old; they just don’t understand’ rule towards someone like Hyojin, she knew that Hyojin had grown up in a socially conservative country. Anise would tread carefully, but she would not hide who she was. For all of Madame Hera’s faults, even she (who herself was an out and proud lesbian), would never bend the knee to any government’s limiting policies and beliefs.
“It’s not mathematical for me,” Anise said, “It’s more metaphysical. I’ve always liked who I liked, regardless of gender. Attraction has never been a science to me.” It’s magic, Anise wanted to say. While Madame Hera encouraged her dancers to be open with their sexualities, their statuses as witches were to be kept under wraps.
“That’s nice,” Jinhee spoke for the first time in a while. “Was it...” he paused, as if trying to decide whether he wanted to go on. “Was it easier to be gay in Germany? Was it easier to date women, I mean.”
“I don’t really know,” said Anise. “I left when I was eleven. But I’ve been back multiple times. I have a lot of friends who live in Berlin, and most of them are gay. They seem pretty happy.”
Jinhee nodded with a degree of seriousness that suggested to Anise that his question wasn’t simply polite conversation. She smiled softly.
“I made out with a girl once,” Taejin blurted, “At a club.”
There was a brief silence. “That’s nice,” said Anise, and everyone erupted into laughter.