Hub-a-Nita @anitashub - Tumblr Blog

I am.

I'm hopeless. I don't know how to make things happen. I'm just good at letting things. I love being alone, fond of it because I'm afraid. I'm the kind of girl who gives up so easily. Most of the time, I let go of the people I love because they want to, even without saying how important they are to me. I'm afraid to show my feelings because there's a thought in my mind that no one will care. I can easily accept goodbyes because they want to leave. I always pretend that I understand those situations and respect those peoples' decision but deep inside, I want to die because of the pain of letting them go. I admit I'm not a fighter. I'm afraid of conflicts. For the past years, I've let those people leave me behind and hurt me, without even realizing that I'm causing my own trouble by not giving myself the chance to say and show how much I feel. And it kills me, more and more as I think of the past situations I've encountered. Now, I found myself standing in the same place for the long time. I'm in fear of loving someone for real because I still haven't learn to love myself. I'm afraid to lose someone because of the thought of having such a painful ending. I'm afraid to try because I don't want to hurt and to be hurt. I got tired of being alone sometimes. Somehow, I feel that there's something and someone I want to look for. With this little courage that's still in me, I'll try to make things easy and destroy the fear and agony. I don't want to trust anyone but myself, yet I still want to have someone whom I can keep my insights about everything. I may be weak, but still full of hopes, and I will not lose the chance of being happy.

THANK YOU 2014 :)

To my dearest 2014,

Thank you! For the whole year, as expected, I've faced many challenges and difficulties. Well, it is given that 365 days will not be completed with just happiness alone. After the greatest fall, I've thought I ever experienced, grief and sadness will remain, but thanks to Him and His instruments, I've learned to stand up and lift up myself through "action speaks louder than words" method. We can prove something even without saying a word, and that actually happened to me. In my perspective, I've been a victim of wrong judgement. I've been weak, lip-tightened to the truth that anyone should hear for them to stop throwing those words, but I've chosen to keep silent and prove to them that I can be the best of the things that make me happy and comfortable. I don't owe anyone an explanation of who and what am I going to be. We live in a world full of opinions, negative, criticisms, etc., which cause emotional suicide. But it's up to us on how we're going to deal with those words and those people. I may not be the strongest person at this moment, but I felt relief when I've realized that I'm much stronger than the person I used to be.

Instead of having so much self-pity and self-grief for being such a failure to the persons who expected so much from me, I choose to follow my own path. I don't want to feel that feeling of regrets and worries anymore. I want to continue to be "the person" with no more fears and doubts and trusts herself more than anybody else. For the next years, I'm looking forward to release the confidence that lives in me. Like before, I'll continue to be optimistic and understanding in any situations. I guess those hard times made me lose my long patience, but I will not let that happen. I'll manage to be as patient as I can and keep the wild temper I have.There's one thing I really want to achieve: to value time. With the help of the Lord God above, I believe that those self-expectations will serve as standards for me to become a much better person.

More than anything else, I'm more thankful than regretful. There are lots of things to be thankful. I have a family I considered as "perfect". I have this brain that I can use everyday and gives victory at some times. I have a healthy life, adequate food to eat, clothes to wear everyday. I received so many blessings. Complain? Things may go hard for me, butI don't have the right to complain. I used to live in a chaotic place, where most people work hard with the "trashes" making money and survive poverty. Those situations happening before my eyes made me realized I'm lucky. I always pray to God to bless those who are weak, poor, in grief, and sick. I couldn't ask for more, I almost have everything I need. And if I were to pray for something, I would ask God to bless and keep my family together despite of many misunderstandings.

Thank you 2014, for the experiences that helped me grow. The bad memories will be forgotten, but not the lessons that existed. Promises are made to be broken, so I won't make one. What I should keep is the courage to achieve my personal goals, which in the future, will not only benefit me, but also my family. <3

Yours truly,

~~ Mary Anne I. Obayan

What a world full of confusion. Pag mahal ka, di mo naman mahal. Pag mahal mo, di ka naman mahal. Swerte na lang talaga if two hearts will feel the same thing, at the right place and at the right time. Gandang timing nun! Kaso it's destiny that will make things happen.

I want to be the girl in this picture. Someone who is strong enough to show the change she has not only outside but inside. This past few days, nahihirapan ako magcope sa situation sa paligid ko. I don't know whom to hang with or to talk with. Kahit sino na lang, basta makabiruan o makausap. But lately, I realized that everything seems to be lonely. After I laugh, I shut my mouth and feel so lonely. Kahit sabi ko noon na kaya ko mag-isa, still hindi ko pala kaya. Masyado akong mapride para sarilinin ang lahat. Well, it's just my strategy to make things up. I want to start with the basic. I want to start back at one. Even though 18 years is too late, I still want to give myself the chance to be myself, to be true to myself, and to be proud of the good things I achieve. Masyado akong nakampante at nakuntento sa fact na I don't have to lift myself. I want everything to be simple and stay in the corner. There are times when I can show everyone that I'm strong, but at the end of the day, I see myself crying pa rin. I WANT A TOTAL CHANGE kahit hindi madali. I want to be matured enough to know my priorities and meet people I can trust and will never stab my back. Hindi madali ang lahat. I'll teach myself not just to give what I need, but also those things that I really want and make me feel happy. Go Anne :) FIGHTING!! Soon, I'll be strong enough to stand alone and show them who I really am. Just wait and see. For those who haven't given me the chance, watch out. With God's strength, I can make it through <3

I'm not who I was before. Applying the changes you want for yourself is not as easy as 1,2,3. Mahirap ding mag-adjust. Mangangapa ka kung paano ka gagalaw sa mundong matagal mo nang kinalalagyan. At mahirap maging ibang tao sa mata ng mga taong matagal ka ng kilala. But nothing is impossible naman para sa gusto ng pagbabago sa buhay diba? You just have to think that what you're doing is part of the step-by-step process. I find it successful so far, and I hear them saying that I'm not who I was before, na nagbago ako, and I'm better than before. I thank God for the courage He gave me and for the strength that push me to go forward and never look back to the past that weakens me. There are many challenges, but so what? I'm confident na kahit hindi man ako yung pinakamagaling o ang pinakamatalino, I can still survive this life. Just be simple for it is the most beautiful form of living. :D

SMILE ka lang :D

Okay lang yan. Wag ka dapat matakot magkamali. All this time, my fears and doubts ruined my life. Kapag nakaramdam na ako ng takot, I move one step backward, turn around and never look back. Laging ganun ang set up, without even realizing that I've been wasting such time to take for granted a possible opportunity or experience. Kaya siguro hindi ako ganun ka- satisfied sa mga bagay na nararanasan ko, kase I always keep playing safe, afraid to take risk and weak enough to be what I really want to be. But last night, when I was staring at my own reflection, I started talking to the girl in the mirror. Anne, tama na. Nakakapagod umiyak di ba? Susuko ka na lang ba? God always give you the chance to make things right sa kabila ng mga ngawa mong mali sa buhay mo. After I cried, I realized that my time was wasted sa sobrang pagdaramdam. And it's wrong to blame myself too much. I know I'm not perfect. Ayaw ko ng magpaalipin sa takot na nararamdaman ko. I told myself not to be the person I used before. That the "Mary Anne" that they've known is just an illusion, and doesn't even exist. I'm going too start back at one, with full of hope and courage to fight for what I want. I want to be the person with full of dreams, that no matter how stupid I am most of the time, I keep taking the right path. Ayaw ko ng mabuhay sa takot at pangamba. Mangangarap ako para sa pamilya ko, at sa sarili ko. I still have the chance to prove them wrong and make myself proud. Hindi ko mamadaliin ang bagay na to. I'll take the step-by-step process. I'm still young to let myself suffer from the problems na maliit pa kumpara sa mga pwede ko pang maranasan for the next decades of my life. Basta, as long as God is with me, hindi ako matatakot, for I believe that He will protect me no matter what. :D

Tears are falling again and again and every teardrop is a waterfall. Hindi ko alam pero paulit-ulit na nangyayari sa akin to everytime I stare at something or somewhere. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam and it seems that I can't find other ways to escape this kind of feeling. Kapag nag-iisa ako, I want to go inside a small box, where I can't see nothing but darkness. The place where no one can found me and noticed that I'm dying. Kapag may mga kasama ako, I want to be alone and don't want to talk about serious things to anyone. What I'm doing right now is self-discrimination, which I think much better for all of us. I'm not that kind of person who will insist for belonging and acceptance. I don't want to please anyone and show them that I'm the only one who can do things. Maybe, this kind of acts are the best especially for me kase kapag mag-isa ako at walang kausap, I fell free. And I don't care kung ayaw nila sa akin o hindi. Hindi ko ipagsisisksikan ang sarili ko kung wala na akong pwedeng paglugaran. Masakit kasi kahit gaano ka nag-effort to be in that place still your not that fit to be there, madidisappoint ka lang. I'm crying because I'm still clueless about what am I going to do to revive myself again. Siguro, I'm not that ready pa to face everything right now. My friend told me that I'm flexible, pero ngayon, I find it hard to adjust with my current situation. Sa takot na nararamdaman ko, I always jump into conclusion and think that all of them will going to murmur. Ang pinakamahirap na part ngayon para sakin ay ang pagtitiwala, at pati sa sarili ko nawala na rin. Where am I going to start? I don't know yet. Maybe I still have to give myself more time to search for those steps and find myself discovering who I really am. The things that happened to me are the results of the wrong decisions I've done, and I admit that.I'm immature and naive. Another reason why I chose to zip my mouth. Tama si ma'am. Less talk, less mistake. Basta gawin mo lang kung ano sa tingin mo ang tama at dapat. Nakakapagod din kaseng idefend ang sarili mo sa mga taong di ka naman kayang paniwalaan. All of us can hear someone's words, but not all of us will going to listen and understand the much deeper meaning of that. Pagod na akong umiyak eh. Kaya siguro paulit-ulit na lang to nangyayayari kase I want my thoughts better left unsaid. Hindi dahil sa mapride ako pero ayaw ko kasing may makaramdam pa ng sakit na nararamdaman ko by sympathizing with me. I don't want them to feel the pain that slowly kills me. Ayaw ko mandamay. The bottomline of all of this is that it's still me na best na makakatulong sa sarili kong bumangon at kalimutan ang lahat ng mga bagay na nakakapagpabigat ng loob ko. Wala akong pagsisishan sa mga nagawa kong bagay because somehow, I learned the lessons and use it to be a much better person sooner.

- anne's crazy thoughts :)

I'm building a wall through silence. I don't know but I find peace and freedom and in that way I show respect. But still, I'm hoping that someone will notice the much deeper meaning of that silence. Sabi rin kasi nila, silence is the best thing to kill an issue. Somehow, I get the point of saying nothing even if you really want to say every thought you have in your mind. I'm still hopeful despite of the depression I'm feeling right know. Si God ang nag-iisang nakakaalam ng lahat para sakin at ng tungkol sakin. And His the only one I'm going to trust. He's the one who cares for me after all. I'm not like this because I don't want to let anyone in my life, but because I don't want others to feel the pain and suffering I have.

Wala na ba talaga akong karapatang maging masaya? Tanggap ko naman na lahat ng tao judgemental, kahit ako ganun din. Pero pwede bang for once maging masaya sila para sakin kahit di ko sila kilala? Yung kapag naapreciate nila ung ngiti sa mga labi ko, nararamdaman din nila yung nararamdaman ko. Masyado na akong manhid sa sinasabi ng ibang tao, katulad ng pagkamanhid ko sa sakit na naranasan ko nung bata ako. Pride na lang ang natitira sakin. Nagtatapang-tapangan wag lang nila makitang nahihirapan ako sa pinagdadaanan ko ngayon. Gusto ko ng sumuko gaya ng pagsuko sa akin ng mga mahalagang tao sa buhay ko. Masyado akong naging mabait sa iba at walang natira sa sarili ko. Paano nga ba mahalin ang sarili? Lagi kong sinasabi na mahal ko ang sarili ko, pero kabaligtaran sa paningin ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Gusto kong sumabog sa mga pagkakataong ito; umiyak maghapon...MAPAG-ISA. Lahat kasi tayo iba-iba. Bagay na buong puso kong isinasa-isip. Gusto ko namang maging masaya at ginagawa ko ang lahat para maging masaya. Pinipilit kong maging positibo sa lahat ng oras 'wag lang maramdaman na mag-iisa ako sa gitna ng milyong tao sa paligid. I feel mmiserable simula nung pumasok ako sa bagay na akala ko tama, pero pinagmukha akong masama sa huli, hanggang sa sinundan pa ito ng iba't ibang pangyayari. Oo, naging masaya ako, pero sandali lang. Mas lamang pa yung mga panahong nakaramdam ako ng pighati sa mga panahong nakakita ako na ngiti sa aking mga labi. Ganito kamiserable ang buhay ko ngayon at tanging si Lord na lang ang tangi kong pinagkakatiwalaan sa mga bagay tungkol sa buhay ko Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung gaano kabigat ang nararamdaman ko. Gusto kong lumayo. Lumayo sa lahat ng tao. Pumunta sa malayong lugar na ako lang ang nakakaalam at maglaho ng parang bula. Akala ko masaya na ako. Masyado lang pala akong magaling magkunwari sa mata ng ibang tao. Sana dumating yung pagkakataon na, kahit isang araw lang, maramdaman kong naging masaya ako. Na ang tanging iisipin ko lang ay yung mga bagay na minsang nagpasaya sa akin. Namimiss ko yung dating AKO. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nagpabago sa buhay ko. Wala na kase akong ibang mapagkatiwalaan. Pakiramdam ko lahat sila may sasabihin sa sandaling tumalikod ako. Naranasan ko nang pauli-ulit. Para bang wala na akong nagawang tama. Na kailangan kong maging perpekto, makontento lang sila. Lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na hindi ako nabuhay sa mundong ito para iplease sila. Kailangan kong mabuhay para patunayan ko na karapat-dapat ako sa buhay na meron ako. T_T

It's now time to get SERIOUS! :D

Decision-making is hard but it won't be that hard if there's a courage in one's life :) Kaya ko 'to!

Go for a Nerdy look or Not? :D

FOCUS is what I need to have RIGHT NOW!! :) Fighting~~~!

He used to be a friend of mine

Friendship created by the hands of time

I never felt this way since he came

I can't help, is it my heart to blame?

Everytime I used to see his face

No matter how far it takes to change my place

I've been in love over and over

And this time I think it is forever

I'm afraid to lose someone like him

The one who makes my heart sings

A frieend who became my lover

And a friend who treated me his best friend ever

I hope our connection won't end

If it happens, my heart will surely bend

He's the one who makes me smile

When I'm with him, time stops for a while <3

#literaryfolio

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