Do you know how does it feel when your life is a continuous struggle of proving yourself? I grew up in an environment where mistakes equate to stupidity. I sleep and eat with “You should have acted betters” and “You should have known betters”. By the way, I am a constant excellent student, since pre-school, and at an early age of 12, I was Best in English, Best in Science, the Editor-in-chief of the school paper, and did I mention I graduated top of my class during elementary?
They say, we the 90s kids are the toughest generation. Teenage years were supposedly about getting confused, being playful, and not having to figure it all out. But for me, there was no room for mistakes at all. I should be straight with life, achieving all the medals and honors there was. And, I should always be better than anyone else. I suck at Mathematics, oh I still should manage not to fail any quiz. That’s why, test booklets and quizzes with failed scores never get to see home. The top performing student, where is she now? The graduate of the central school, now studying in a barrio school yet can’t even be the best in her class. My everyday breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But it’s okay, because no one ever had the chance to snatch writing away from me- I graduated as the editor-in-chief of the campus paper, and was awarded one of the researchers of the year. But, then I wasn’t one, I was one of and I am no good at all, that’s what I hear. I should have done better, yes, I know.
And I grew up with the idea, that even if I did good, as long as someone’s doing better than me, I am not good at all. The definition of success was getting ahead of everyone. You see, nobody told me to loosen up and enjoy life. It was just constant, “Your grades should be better next grading, or else you’re grounded.” I did not enjoy the coolness of high school life because there is always one quiz, one output, one activity that hindered me from experiencing fun. Nobody told me that mistakes are supposed to make you learn. I thought mistakes are reminders of weakness and that I am weak. I grew up seeking for approval and validation. That if I am not approved and validated by them, well, I am just a piece of garbage with no dreams at all.
Do you know where I learned that mistakes are valuable parts of life? Well through books and that’s the reason why I fell in love with reading and with writing of course. In stories, the main characters don’t usually figure it out in Chapter 1, they struggle on the next chapters, lose during the denouement, and sometimes they succeed on endings. However, some don’t and their life story’s kept on hang. That made me realized, this time I have to embrace my weakness and focus on what I feel like I am good at, because I am the writer of my own life. And I know where I belong, I know where I should be.
I am turning 30 this year, and you know what, I am still not good enough. I am a licensed teacher for almost a decade, constantly receiving very satisfactory ratings and generous praises from my students. Every end of the semester is one of my favorite moments, because I get to read their remarks, and I always feel “giddy silly” about it. But that feeling usually last for only a day, because I am still that kid who should have known better because I am smart. I have a graduate diploma and now currently pursuing another postgraduate degree. Do I need it? Of course for promotion, but deep down inside of me lies the major reason why I still struggle to continuously prove myself. I yearn to finish all of it- every degree there is, every promotion there is, why? Because, I am still not good enough.
I may appear as if I have no plans in my life. I am always secretive about them, scared of evil eyes? More of scared because they may not succeed. I want to announce only victories not my struggles on how to accomplish them. I don’t tell feelings of weakness, stories of failures, and setbacks. I only want they to know if I have already won. Because even at this age of 30, with all the accomplishments and wins I brought home, with one simple mistake, I always go back to that stupid kid. I don’t want to be the perfect child, I just want to be good enough. With all the honorifics I could put after name and all my achievements I could tell, I am still not good and can’t be trusted. Do I need much? No, just a benefit of the doubt.
I am blamed for having no plans, I got plans, I got hundreds of it. I was blamed of being stubborn and selfish, hell yes I am. Because you see, if I don’t win them all, I am a failure, a laughing stock, a no good kid at all, unlike someone’s kid.
Today, I can live by myself, finance all my needs and capable of creating a happy family on my own. Yet, I can’t feel winning, I can’t celebrate victories, because deep down in me, even if I have learned that the greatest win in life is being happy and contented with it, I still seek for approval and validation. And perhaps, if I have ended my life, I would still be receiving that “you should have picked a better way of doing what you did” remark.
I hope you understand that you have damaged me more than anyone and anything else in this world.
izzy806
tangentwithtanner
prguitarman
ellievsbear
snowghoul