"I can't stay, I have my contacts on" used to be my excuse, whenever a girl would ask me to stay.
"Please don't go, sleep with me" she used to ask with her sweetest voice, "I can't, I have my contacts on" but soon excuses became reasons.
"Bring your contacts case next time" she used to say, with a disappointed eye roll.
So I started bringing the case with me whenever I came over, sometimes I even wore my glasses, knowing just how comfortable it feels to be real with her. naked, no makeup, cuddled up with her, watching TV on a Tuesday.
"Can you come over?" She sent me a message at 1 am. "I'm still at work", "join me in bed when you're done"...
"But I don't have my contacts case"
Same old sentence, that brought memories, and fear of connection.
"I have an idea.." I wrote, but regretted right after.
"Tell me" she demanded, and I knew that trying to change the topic is useless.
"Maybe I can leave one case at your place..." I hesitated but sent it anyway. "Not to stress you or anything" I added immediately.
But that was too late, and her thoughts ran by themselves.
"That's a big step.. a really big step.." she replied, and I was ready for the rising fight.
" well.. I guess it wouldn't be that bad"
The next day I came over. Armed with a new contacts case. we spent the day cuddled in bed, laughing about life, sharing a joint and kisses between orgasms.
And when I got ready to leave the next morning, I saw the case sitting at the edge of her sink, as if it was always there. But something felt worng. And my instincts, as if my conciousness was somewhere else, took the case and shoved it back into my makeup bag.
"I have to tell you something" I woke up to a text from her the next day.
"I got back in touch with that other girl... we're meeting tonight", she sent, knowing perfectly how bad it would hurt.
"You're not mine" I replied with tears in my eyes, "it hurts me terribly but you're allowed to do whatever you want".
"I needed a reminder that we're not a couple" she replied as if I was nothing to her
"Is being mine that bad?" I struggled finding the letters in my keyboard between the tears.
"I can't Anna.. I can't be yours"
"Is it about the contacts case?" I asked already knowing the answer.
After long messages, fights, pain, and crying.
I locked my heart for good, " If you're not mine, I'm not gonna be yours"
Moral of the story- don't wear contacts
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