anna

my digital journal

[annasfeelings]

im tired of life honestly

i wish i could somehow reconfigure my mind to not be depressed. i wish i could see the good in life. i wish i could not care so much. i wish that i wouldn’t backstab myself every chance i get. i wish that i could be okay with being alone. i wish that i could stop burdening my mother and making her sleep with me at my ripe age of 17 because i might do something bad. i wish that i had access to sharp things in my home. my mom doesn’t even trust me with that, godforbid my medication. that might be next on the list to go. i don’t blame her, of course i dont. if i was my mother i wouldnt trust me with a knife either.

i have outbursts. i do bad things. yet people still love and care for me. why? i push people away. i leave texts on delivered for days just because i don’t have the energy to type out a simple response. i complain. im complaining right now. i pull my hair and ball my fists when i get overwhelmed because i dont know how else to handle it. i hit myself. i do bad things. so why do people still stay with me?

honestly, ive told myself that i dont have a place in this universe. sometimes i wish i could be a star. stars don’t burn, they shine. i want to shine. i want to be looked at how people look at the north star and gape in awe. i want to be loved, i want to have a blank mind, a blank canvas. yet i make myself so unloveable and so full of horribleness. instead, i am a dying star. a dying star that’ll soon burst into a supernova, a massive and luminous explosion. because, as always, if im exiting— it’s with a show.

[annasfeelings]

doing better if anyone wants to know. no longer having a mental crisis lol; college applications might make me have another one atp though

[annasfeelings]

first day of senior year (non-official) and it’s already ruined. i hate my siblings and honestly i cannot wait to leave them for college. is this a universal feeling? im the worst one of my family, im the biggest fuckup and i

[annasfeelings]

to my best friend who danced with me today in celebration for a milestone i reached, im sorry i ruined it

[annasfeelings]

grand finale of finishing work is me getting my fucking period two hours before my shift ends. BRO I DONT HAVE ACCESS TO A BATHROOM IM IN THE WOODS? like genuinely so frustrated what do i do?! like free bleed and make my coworkers watch in horror

[annasfeelings]

last day of work kinda sad

[annasfeelings]

amid a mental breakdown right now; who caused it? driving. driving caused it. and then i spiraled and started thinking of how ugly i am and how my mother wouldn’t want a daughter like me because my two sisters are much better and already have their licenses and don’t cry, gag, and throw up like i do over shit like this!

[annasfeelings]

i feel like im watching paint dry

[annasfeelings]

been absolutely SAWING down invasive plants throughout this whole week!!! super tired but proud of the progress we’ve made

[annasfeelings]

having an absolute blast at my conservation job! that’s why i haven’t been posting as much; ive been extremely busy!

im working to finalize my college list and prepare to brainstorm some college essay ideas. if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, let me know! ive heard that rather boasting about some academic achievements, your essay should be used for the admissions officers to get to know you, they already have your academics + achievements anyways.

[annasfeelings]

my sister brought up something that i have been trying so hard to get over and then my mom wanted to sleep with me because she thought i was gonna like end it or something

[annasfeelings]

an 8 1/2 hour shift at one job, and a five hour shift at my other one, got me BEAT! i know im sleeping good tonight.. tho its 11:00 right now (just finished getting ready for tomorrow) and i gotta be up at 5:39, so idk if im gonna get enough sleep lol

that’s tomorrow’s problem

[annasfeelings]

“have you taken your meds? you’re getting worked up over this for no reason.”

i hate to be that person, but that isn’t reassuring, mom. i love you a lot but this just made me cry a hundred times more. and you think it’s all over that one “little thing.”

sure, it could be small to you, but it’s not small to me. and that makes all the difference.

[annasfeelings]

im tired of mental illness being so fucking romanticized. no, self-harm is not “trendy.”

“it’s okay everybody has bad days it’ll get better.” but it hasn’t. i haven’t been okay in a long time. it’s been a year. everyone says depression goes away, why hasn’t mine? i have a brain that i can’t understand.

mom, i believe school is killing me. every bad grade, every “off” day, every day feels like a crawl to the weekend until we’re finally there. i tell her all this and she just tells me to push through. mom, i don’t know how much longer i can push. tears running down my face as im sobbing to her telling her how “tired” i am from school. i need help, i know you’re running on fumes too.

“i used to be smart, i promise,” i say as i stare at my failing test, quiz, and exam scores because i ruined my education by just trying to stay alive this past year. i wasted my potential.

nobody cares about your mental health until it turns into anger and “crankiness” and now everyone sees you as a bad person.

i feel selfish for feeling sad because so many people have it ten times as worse then me.

[annasfeelings]

how ive been feeling recently. when i read this back, i still feel the absolute sorrow and pain. still struggling.

[annasfeelings]

i feel dirty but don’t want to take a shower. am i reaching peak summerbeforesenioryeardepression? no spaces are mandatory :)

haven’t started essays, don’t know what i want to do in life, and slowly starting the diagnoses for bipolar or bpd (doctors starting the screening for both..) feel like my life is falling apart but whatever because i don’t give a fuck right now but i know it’ll hit me at 1 in the morning

[annasfeelings]

i thought i was confident in my body until i realize ive gained nearly 10 pounds over summer break. do i blame it on the antidepressants or the fact that im eating like shit

on another note, my pcp is thinking instead of depression i have bipolar disorder so that’s a new one.. ive heard that you could gain a bunch of weight on antipsychotics though and honestly at that point id rather be fucking manic

[annasfeelings]

my manager pointed out my sh scars at work omg why does this shit keep happening to me

he said “btw stop doing that on your arms” and then just continued on like nothing happened. we were talking abt this girl that lied to corporate abt me apparently being a bitch, so that was touching.. i was so caught off guard that all i said was “oh! uh.. okay?” i wanted to say something like “they’re old!” or “thanks but you don’t have to worry!” but instead i chose to remain quiet like a dumbass