Baconbits

[annejae]

I’m losing my friend.

Just thinking about how much I’ve been through with my best friend and how I dreamed that one day we would get past the horrible mental illnesses and she would finally be ok with being alive and what a bright future that was only to realize that she’s replacing me with her boyfriend and we don’t talk anymore and we don’t make plans anymore but when I try to say something she just tells me how much she loves me but she’s really busy and she’s recovering and I’m just like ok. But you promised to be there for me too but your boyfriend gets all your time and our friendship is literally on its way out and you don’t even notice but I do and I just wish you would have made room for more than one important person in your life instead of replacing me. I’m glad you’re happy and you’re making plans and I’m so hopeful for your future. It just hurts so much that I won’t be in it much longer. All I hear are the promises you never kept. I’m so tired of trying to have relationships with people. It never seems to work out. I know I should be grateful for the time I had and just let it go softly but I’m hurting and I’m scared and I’m alone and I want to rage at what I’ve been through for it to just end like this.

[annejae]

When you started to believe things were actually going to go well in your life.

Been doing therapy for a year now, started seeing a dietician for my ED, actually have friends and one incredible best friend, starting to build some self confidence and thinking that maybe I’m not the absolute worst person in the world, recovering from the stress of your besties suicide attempt and just starting to feel like maybe life could be good and then bam!

Your friend is dying of cancer

Another friend is suddenly moving states away in a week

Another friend is moving even more states away next month

Your remaining local friends are too busy to see you currently (not their fault, shitty life circumstances)

Your brother announces he plans to move him and his family states away in about a year (very proud of him for pursuing his dreams)

And your best friend says long distance friendship may be too hard and that she needs to connect with people there and your relationship has to change. ( I totally support this decision and I think it will be the best for her but I’m dying inside)

And to top it all off your therapist is on a three week vacation.

I’m scared and I’m sad and I’m going to be so fucking lonely and I don’t know how I’m going to survive going back into that level of isolation and loneliness again.

Needed to put that out into the world but needed it to be where no one I know would read it so here I am.

If anyone reads this tell me I’ll survive. 💔

[annejae]

Pigs

My sister had pigs for about a year (Bonnie and Clyde) and learned they will eat literally everything except for kale stems and broccoli. When Clyde took a bite of broccoli he literally gagged and spat it out. 😂

For those wondering, they rehomed the pigs because they were growing tusks and she didn’t want them to injure her babies.

But after seeing a post about what an ass Clyde is on their local Facebook group he’s probably bacon by now.

[annejae]

Every December feels less like Christmas and more like depression and anxiety. I can’t keep it at bay anymore.

[annejae]

Cousins.

In the last several years I’ve learned that my aunts and uncles have had kids I never knew about. They are now grandparents and great grandparents. I’ve had so many relatives come to light that I’m at a point that when I finally start dating I want a DNA test before anything goes anywhere.

[annejae]

Why I don’t really flirt anymore.

Last time I enjoyed a good flirt was at subway. Sometimes you encounter a person and the chemistry is right and you enjoy a good flirt and go on your way.

So anyway, I was at subway (the sandwich shop) flirting with the guy making my sandwich and having a good time. I pay and start to walk out. I’m feeling fun and confident at this point so I turn to do a flirtatious last look as I exit and ran smack into a handicap parking sign.

I was so embarrassed and had the worst headache.

[annejae]

Do you ever think about the fact that we eat tomatoes constantly whereas hundreds of years ago they were considered poisonous because plates and silverware etc. were made from aluminum and the way it reacts to the acid in tomatoes could kill you?

Because I think of it a lot and I don’t even like tomatoes.

[annejae]

It gets better

It’s almost two in the morning and I’m up late snacking on raw baby carrots and potato chips because I need something crunch and salty and a fresh veg and I’m not gonna put salt on my carrots.

I’m also watching “you’ve got mail” on my phone while I wait for my laundry to finishing washing so I can throw it in the dryer and have clean clothes tomorrow.

Getting better isn’t always going to look the way you think it will. And sometimes getting better is doing the same thing you’ve always done but instead of feeling lost, heartbroken, numb, isolated or whatever awful feeling you feel, you feel ok.

One year ago I struggled with insomnia due to depression and I was frequently up late watching chick flicks and trying to avoid my feelings until exhaustion finally overtook me.

Tonight I’m enjoying a movie I love while snacking and hydrating and I feel pretty close to feeling great.

I’m still struggling and still going through hard things. But tonight I can make myself giggle as I crunch my carrots as loud as I possibly can while looking forward to going to bed and it’s an amazing feeling.

Hope that you too see the good changes in your life and rejoice at the progress you see yourself making.

[annejae]

I just find it interesting how there are a bunch of rich folks looking at 40 years in prison for illegally bribing elite colleges so their kids can get in (please note that basically anytime a rich person makes a huge monetary donation to a college they want to send their kids to they are basically legally bribing colleges) but rapists and pedophiles are getting away with less than a slap on the wrist. I know this is really upsetting to a lot of people but I think we need to refocus our anger on to balancing out our justice system a little.

[annejae]

When I’m feeling down or need to mentally process I go for a drive. And every time I come home my cats (barn cats) all come out and sit on my car and stare at me until I come out. I know it’s largely because they like to sit on the warm hood of my car but I also know it’s at least a little that they’re happy to see me. it makes me feel wanted and loved.

[stil-lindigo]

long time no see.

[annejae]

This is great art right here.

[downeysbitch]

[agentrandom]

rhodey:

[annejae]

This is the best thing I’ve seen all day. 😂😂

[annejae]

Wanna know what’s cracking me up right now? I keep seeing recipes for depression cake and I can’t stop laughing because I’m hella depressed right now and would love a good excuse to shove a bunch of cake in my mouth and when asked what the heck I’m doing tell them it’s depression cake and I’m depressed and they can’t do anything to stop me. The fact that the recipes are depression era recipes only solidifies my argument I feel. This is my depression era. Heck yeah.

Please send cake I’m sad and lonely.

[annejae]

Lonely

I’m so lonely I can’t sleep. Breathing is hard and everything hurts.

[annejae]

Captain Marvel Movie Experience

I saw captain marvel yesterday with most of my family. Tragically I, a feminist, got seated next to my brother, who is not a feminist.

Watching a superhero be absolutely amazing and kick butt was fantastic. The fact that it was a woman and she used humor in every situation, whether or not it was appropriate, literally gives me life. She was like me and it was amazing.

Part of me was bummed to have the experience slightly diminished by my brother making comments throughout the movie but the other part of me was rather delighted because almost all the movie trailers were about female led movies and then of course we watched a female led movie. My brother did not like it. 😂😂