June 4, 1974
I stop writing so often and don’t finish anything that I”m trying to say. I can remember the way I felt Sunday night - crying in the Gremlin when ... was talking. I could feel happy for him but still tears came. I could also see stopping crying and listening and talking to him (but being frustrated when I left.)
I was glad that when I started to leave I mention how bad I’d feel. to ... and he said he’d feel hurt, too.
So I stayed. I was frustrating not really realizing that the problem was more lack of spirituality and diligence than anything else. I talked about a million different things.
I left for home - we’d been tense. I really wasn’t saying much that was relevant. I left and had to turn around (American Lock) and go back for my purse (driver’s license) and my books.
I feel worthless tonight. Like everything is worthless. I think tomorrow I’ll write down everything I do from the moment I get up out of bed - then, I’ll have something to reflect upon and see how I really spent the day. Called Dad tonight. He thinks there’s something wrong. I didn’t talk to him about graduation.
I haven’t felt a great deal about it lately - too involved to think about it. I know how I felt last Wed and that I’ll be upset tomorrow night - but why worry about that now.
I forgot Graduation practice. I did! Got up at 9:33 and Mary called and I remembered. Then there was no real way to get there. I called the school and heard something about not being able to be in it. Well I prayed about it a couple of different times and as of today, I can be in it. A prayer answered. Right now I don’t feel really good about things.
I didn’t talk to him about school - after a while it just slipped my mind.
Last night was the Laminate Generation. I saw Steve fairly soon after I got there. I seem to have been preoccupied with him lately and have built an infatuation for him. He pops in and out of my mind like a Jack in the Box. Either that or I walk around (drive around) singing : dance with a lady with a hole in her stocking” etc., etc., etc.
I watched him before the show and went to find him at intermission and he walked right by me. I felt bad. Then we talked and I was excited. on cloud 9, 10, or 11 because I was talking to him.
I am frustrated with him. I’ve already started thinking of things to tell him about last night that he’ll be interested in.
Life seems too normal - I think for anything to seem really special. Last night, though, gave me the chills. It was really great. I’ve got to stop now and go to bed. I’m going to take Mom to work tomorrow morning. I’ve got to pray about being willing to read and study more scriptures. I’ve learned a lot today and yesterday. So much of me to work on I am a child of God nonetheless - have to remember that. Good night.