There are some things people might not know about mania.
Mania is a magical experience. As a part of bipolar, it is definitely the one most people would say is the better. And I guess, in some ways, it is. But it is not actually good, not all of the time.
Everyone knows about the creative bursts. Oh, yes, it is wonderful to feel creative and have a good dose of productive energy. You can think of so many things and you get a lot of things done. But that is a sweet spot. A sweet spot in, unfortunately, a very sour bite.
A lot of what people see positive about mania is present only in hypomania, which is like the sweet spot, right, where things work, and you feel creative and productive and you are getting shit done, and everyone is more interesting and everything is more interesting, and sex is better and food is better and yeah! You could live there, right? So good.
But that’s not all of what mania is.
Mania can be that moment in a nightmare where you’re stuck in one spot, running from a monster or bad guy or something and you just can’t move, but you’re running so fast. It’s exhilarating but terrifying.
You feel so smart and creative, but yet you can’t get anything done because everything! is! happening! all! at! once! Your mind is going so fast so fast so fast but where did the time go? What did you do? Deadlines fly past, just like your sleep schedule, and yet you’re still there, buzzing in place like too many espressos.
Sometimes you are happy, but others, you are angry. Manic anger, for me, has always been a huge risk, and it is for many people. It’s just like every other feeling - you feel it, you just feel it harder. This, with anger, is not really that great. It interferes with personal relationships, professional relationships, and it can result in dangerous behavior and really shitty feelings.
One of the scariest parts is the egoism. Even for someone with the worst of self esteem, with mania, suddenly you’re different, you’re better, you know everything. You talk about things like you know everything but you don’t know shit, and you talk over people, around people, about people, because you’re invulnerable, and what can they do about it anyway? No one can touch you, you’re too good. I mean, even if you aren’t that experienced, you have a talent or you’ve read things or you’re lucky. No matter the risk, you say whatever you want and you think you’re the shit.
That’s not the scariest though.
The scariest is that nothing can touch you, in your head. You can take any risk, and nothing will go wrong. Hell, some of it even spirals into a what does it even matter if this goes wrong? So what if I die? I might get hurt, but who cares? and you lose all sense of safety and any concern for being careful because that buzzing in your brain just won’t stop and you have to do the thing, harder, faster, more no matter what it is.
It is scary. You’re trying to run away from your own mind. It won’t let go. God forbid you take a breather, because it does not stop. Your mind is running all the time. Sometimes, you don’t sleep. You’ll be awake for days. Everything is under control, right? That’s why you can’t sleep! There’s so much to do and you are the only one who can do it.
Well fuck. Now what do you do?
The crash is… well, it’s the worst. Seeing all of your energy just drain out of you is hard. Watching your creativity return to normal levels is harder - even though to you, it feels like it’s gone entirely. Sleep comes, sometimes, other times, you can’t sleep because your heart feels like it’s going to shred to pieces. The hardest part is the memories.
Looking back at “manic you” is painful. Sometimes it’s wistful - oh, I wish I could be so productive, I wish I could be so charismatic, I wish I could do so much - and other times, it’s the opposite - why was I so angry, why was I so impulsive, why did I act like such a jerk, why, why, why? It’s inescapable.
If you come out of a particularly long period of mania, it can leave you in fear. I went through a multi-year-long stretch of mania and mixed episodes (the latter meaning that I got to feel manic but also depressed! 0/10 do not recommend). During this time I made a lot of shitty choices, destroyed a lot of relationships, and did a lot of harm to myself (mostly emotionally). I’m still recovering. What that means, though, is that I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to be manic again. I saw the wreckage I left behind.
I am afraid to laugh. I’m afraid to feel happy. I’m afraid of positive experiences. I’m afraid of social interactions. I’m afraid of my friends. I’m afraid of any stressful situations. I’m afraid of work. I’m just constantly, constantly afraid.
Mania sounds great, I think, on the tin. It can be great in a lot of ways. When it isn’t, though, there’s no sweet spot.
jacobvanloon
germansingergirl
dailybridgerton
janainaart
tangentwithtanner
kaledo-art
yousharknotpass
