What's On My Mind...

[anonymousblogger2010]

Happy HALLOWEEN

[anonymousblogger2010]

Another Vamp Story (on Wattpad) https://my.w.tt/Th1nVYsLWab A story I wrote while I've been in Quarantined, It's very violent and volgure and I warn you if you don't like that kind of story than this is not for you A vampire who lost everything in a matter of an hour, she was taken from the life that she wanted and earned and was chosen to

[anonymousblogger2010]

Another Vamp Story - 1 (on Wattpad) https://my.w.tt/tbPhvOnaUab A story I wrote while I've been in Quarantined, It's very violent and volgure and I warn you if you don't like that kind of story than this is not for you A vampire who lost everything in a matter of an hour, she was taken from the life that she wanted and earned and was chosen too if you like vampires mayber you’ll like this 

[anonymousblogger2010]

NOT SO SOBER NO MORE

so Here I am after being slightly sober for a good amount of time trying to accomplish and yet  I drank I have drank a lot and there is no excuse it is just me and my bullshit of a choice...even if there is a lot on my mind that is no reason to drink those thoughts away...it is just that way I guess I have the will to resist and move through reality like a every “strong” person does. I am not saying that as an insult it is just what I think... I am not strong enough for that I drank to just feel the numbing. KNowing that I will feel it later knowing the karma will kick my ass after. Life is the way you live no reason and reason in life can fuck it up. I believe that kinda makes sense right? either way it is your choice to make your life good or bad...even if you make the choice to do such a thing that in your eyes that is bad? or even good in some way...I don’t know I am just ranting I needed to see if anybody else has an opinion about this all...

[anonymousblogger2010]

I Just suck I really do good things in my life are happening and here I am drinking because I just want to feel careless and no give a fuck what I say I am a fucking disaster I understand why people don’t want to deal with me 

[anonymousblogger2010]

Found work, only plan is to save up money no spending just save the money so I can get out on my own it hurts that I get accused that I am drunk when I have been fighting to not drink anymore when I am actually just happy and someone asks me if I was drinking hurts what the fuck

[anonymousblogger2010]

what do you do when someone you love that is blood and they are sick and they demand you to be kinder to a person that has drawn the line more than once

[anonymousblogger2010]

My grandparents have had a bit of a bad day right now I hope all goes well because my nana and grandpa aren't in the best state I hate to see them mad at each other like this...

[anonymousblogger2010]

Finally

Something actually positive has happened and it is that I got a job now it is the time to save up all I can and get everything back on track I know it isn’t going to be easy but I know I will get away from the things that make me feel trapped like the man across the hall who is a relative...not by choice. But I will get away from that stress that he just has it’s like a horrible uncomfortably awful vibe that is based on what I say or do when it comes to his emotions are like are like a thin piece of glass that I have to cross in able to get to my checkpoint I can not be able to just “get use to it” like my family here has. I have this job I am going to kick ass make the money and just keep going forward I am going to try not to relapse or self harm which I have been contiplating lately I can’t lie about that. But I haven’t and now this job is going to be a good strong pathway to a better life. I just want to feel independent for once in my life.  

[anonymousblogger2010]

Biting the Tongue

Do you ever get so pissed off when you do have something to say, especially when you are on the short end of the stick. You sit back you listen, you show respect and do your best to the people who take the time to be there yet they throw little comments about the things you do all the time without questions asked but the fucker that treats them like they are nothing gets all the praise for doing one thing after fucking weeks of being told to do something. I just want to know because I am trying to not snap back with a smart mouth to those I do love but hate when they treat the asshole better than me.

[anonymousblogger2010]

what the fuck did I just do? I talked to my ex on the phone listen to him saying all this stuff about what he had been through with getting drunk, drug habits along with dealing with all the crap he was dealing with tinder dates probably fucking who ever. Not to say I didn't either I took in all of this and wanted to say all these things to him on how I was hurting and how I was the one getting thrown around and yes because of my drug and alcohol habits, tearing me down and even trying to kill myself again...but I didn't die I was just in another crazy house falling apart doing whatever the doctor ordered to get me "Back On Track" while he contiued to fuck around and erase me... But so did I... I threw away everything he gave me...cried every day and night. But why does it seem like he had it worse. When I went to the ER doctors and nurses getting all the drugs out of my system from ending it all he never came to say anything...and my dumb ass went and messaged him wondering if he still thinks of me and when he replies we talk to each other on the phone and it was like nothing happened My heart fucking hurts and I am so fucking mad at myself because I am too fucking stupid Sorry I just had to get that off my mind...

[anonymousblogger2010]

What the fuck is wrong with him...

Okay we all have bad things happen in our life, some more than others and along with that from what I have seen there are two people and the first one who keeps getting up after a failure...even if it leads to another one they still have that will to at least TRY...now the other one I see is just pitty and a blamer for all of their mistakes my older brother is a nightmare of that. Me and my older sister have been through hell and we have stayed down in the ground climbing up with barely any help or education within all of that. But he got everything we wanted...he had been through hell too and yet he never appropriated everything he got in his life he trashed it...continued to play the victim. And he is smart and had way more than enough help to get through life. But no he used it all and abused it along with being the big baby blaming those around him who helped him. He uses everyone. And he makes me so fucking mad you know? He moves in with our grandparents they give him his own room they provide food, clothes and comfort. Always going to school and gain a good education and me and my older sister are raised by our mom yet she wasn’t stable we always moved men came across back and fourth till my sister basically raised me then she ran away and then it was just me and my mom I love my mom but I felt I was most likely helping her especially the abuse the let men treat her...then there were drugs, alcohol and just fucking a disaster, We were all abused to a point of gaining sicknesses for fuck sake I have seizures from ptsd fucking anxiety and depression wasn’t enough but my brother I love him bery much but he has pissed me off when he acts this way when he is an adult still living off the people who have raised him, doesn’t pay them a cent and they are so tired of dealing with him. FOR FUCKSAKE they have to whisper in their own home when they complain about all the things he does and yet they keep him here they let him stay after he has abused them along with the woman he “loved” used her as a slave barely spent time with his daughter and continues to this day saying she screwed him over. Am I wrong to be so fucking angry with him...I love my brother but I just can’t understand how the fuck he can just get away with abuse for being “sick” he has almost killed people because of his actions he calls his own family the harshest things I can’t help but to say WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM...???!!!

[anonymousblogger2010]

I hope I get this job, I can deal with everything here living here is good yet bad and the thing is I see someone who is older than me that just doesn’t care and gets away with everything so cruel and sad that he will never learn to be humble and helpful the drugs and alcohol just makes it worse and the other people I live with just don’t fight that person anymore 

[anonymousblogger2010]

I am 26 years old and still stuck I am able to find a job and get back on my feet what the fuck is wrong with me when I can't commit to a job and yet hate where I am with the full option in the world. I need to grin and bare it so I can move forward. The thing is I want to be more than the job I will take soon, I don't want to be stuck there wishing or hoping something better will come along I need to get that way on my own it is just the step or so the leap of faith. I have been trying to stay sober, along without self harming. I can't just stop looking back at my mistakes, the ones I hurt, the ones who hurt me. and the loss of loved ones, or ones that I fell in love with it is isn't what I can do like others. What the fuck do I do? How can I do it? Can't just be fucking normal and move forward like everyone who fights and kicks ass in the end.

[anonymousblogger2010]

All I ever wanted was to be what I see in movies, beautiful, skinny confident, tough and strong. When I was around every other girl around me and along with my cousins and older sister I could never compete with such gorgous women in my life. And when people would say how much I look like my mom and I can't exactly see that she is just as gorgous as the women in my life along with movie stars, and singers. I barely get improvement with make up and some what of weight of but not strong enough to freaking stay away from soda and junk food. Why couldn't I be blessed with what I see from every other beatiful woman out there.