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@anotherdrunkgirl
I blame jackass for my career choice
Dear Jesus, I pray that I make it home safely somehow
I have a friend that talks sooooo much that not even the hat man will visit him 🤣
The UFC octagon is just a round pen for men 🤣🤣🤣
Liquor before beer = you're in the clear
Beer before liquor = you'll get sicker quicker
Beer before wine = bish you'll be fineeee
Also wine drinkers are gays lmaooo
The grandpa from Yakuza fiancee (FMC's grandpa) should hook up with the granny from dandadan
People who were never nauseated during their pregnancy: " oh yeah you definitely want to eat as healthy as possible. I ate only the best for my child when I was pregnant with them"
Me just trying to survive because the nausea is debilitating: " The only thing I ate yesterday was Carl's jr because it was only thing that didn't make me throw up."
When you're pregnant and craving a candy that doesn't exist anymore 😭😭😭
I'm starting to write the speech for my funeral:
Welp, I died lmaooo. Whoopsidaisy. I've got more than one foot in the grave now lol. Hopefully I died doing something stupid, or fun, but either way, don't feel sorry for me. Heaven is the respawn point. Humans are only visitors on Earth. I hope y'all are having a pizza party, with balloons, and rootbeer floats, and beer. I love you all so much, more than words can say. Thank you for bringing joy into my life. Don't sell my horses lol. You can have all of my shit. I don't have any money, but if I did, you can have that too. Take care of my pets please, I owe them. Don't get rid of them or sell them keep them please. I'll see you all in a bit but live life to the fullest in the meantime because we are just a visitors on earth. I died earlier than I wanted to but there's not much time left on earth anyway so that's okay. God calls his people back early sometimes to spare them more earthly suffering.
I have a huge favor/demand haha for you all. Please accept Jesus Christ into your heart as your Lord and Savior. Do this for me or at least do it for yourselves. Then I will see you again my dear loved ones. I will get to hug you again and cry tears of Joy but above all, Jesus loves you and will take care of you better than anyone in this world ever could. He will hold you in his hands, just like he has always done for me. If you only knew how amazing living for Christ is you wouldn't hesitate to talk to him and be friends with him.
Mom I love you so much. You are the best mom there ever was. Thank you for everything.
Dad I love you so much. You are the best dad ever. Thank you for everything.
Eric I love you so much. Best brother ever ❤️
Jacob I love you so much. You are the love of my life. Thank you for being the best husband ever.
Apparently I'm a fuckboy because I love Chelsea grin. I thought I was a 30-year-old woman but I guess not.
Fear is a liar
Imagine telling somebody you hate going to Costco with them because it's always a miserable experience and they don't even get hurt feelings. That's what it's like being married
My brother had to use chat GPT to figure out what time 0500 was in standard time and I laughed so hard I cried 🤣
2000's : you never go ass to mouth
2020's : everyone eating ass
Also, is it even your honeymoon if you don't get your ass ate?
The more tired I am, the more unhinged I become. At work. One of my co-workers said he was losing his voice and I just said without missing a beat, "Maybe it's God's way of telling you that you need to shut the hell up."
🤣
*Gets drunk (again); starts shopping for capybaras as pets (AKA guineabigs)*
So you know how men took wolves and bred and domesticated them over thousands of years to get like Chihuahuas and shit? Can we do that with bears next?