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#51

I also feel alone. Because it's a reminder that everybody goes eventually and all you have at the end of the day, is yourself. Just you. Nobody else is a guarantee.

#50

Yes i feel betrayed. I don't really choose my line of work. I had to make peace with it. One of the things that kept me going is thinking I need to do well so at least the people who work for me can have a better life. A stable job. I'm worried that if I don't do well and fail everybody, I would be responsible for the downfall of not just the person who worked for me but their families too. So I feel like I work for them and I sacrificed for them. But then her actions remind me that they don't owe me anything. They can always leave and find another option. While I don't have that luxury. If I go, then it all goes. I guess it triggers that side of me I thought I've healed. To feel so robbed of choices.

#49

Feb 01, 2026

Realized i should probably start writing dates since it doesn't show. Anw..

Funny that I'm here. Usually what triggers entries are some some inner demon fighting. Today, I'm here because one of my trusted employee is quitting. Ha! How far I've come.

I'm having mixed feeling so I need to write them down to proccess it.

Alright. Thoughts :

1. Shit. Damn.

2. Guess I shouldve known this is coming. Fuck. Why didnt I ?

3. How am I going to deal with this ? Should i take on her responsibilities too while looking for a replacement ?

4. Shit. Would this trigger more people to quit?

5. I'll overcome this. This is just another challenge for me to get through

6. Do I feel betrayed ? I feel like she's been with me through so many things and I see so many potentials for her.

7. Did I do something wrong ? Did I make her want to quit ? Did I not listen enough when she told me about her issues ? I thought we worked it out and agreed on a plan to help solve the issue.

8. She's probably just bored and needed some change in scenery. Considering her age, now is the time to experiment and look for a new job before she can't switch anymore.

9. Crap. I need to make a game plan.

10. I feel alone. Because I trusted her so much, I thought I could rely on her loyalty. I've always operated with the mindset that everyone should be replaceable. But I forgot how lonely that could feel. I feel like I lost a companion honestly.

11. Fuck. My parents had to deal with these issues before too. And even worse, truly betrayed by their closest family. Would these turn me bitter

12. She gave 2 weeks notice. It means I have time to plan. But it also means I will be worrying over some impending doom for this 2 weeks.

13. In my head I know I'll be able to deal with this. It's the sense of unknown that is giving me anxiety. It's like my head is splitting to 2 sides. One that knows our ability and knows not to worry, and the other one that doesn't believe it.

14. I feel betrayed. Not her fault.

I'm letting the emotions come and go. I'll be ok.

#48

Money really brings out the ugliness in people. Is it ego or just self preservation? In an ideal world, people would share. If we have enough and more, is it really necessary to make this all ugly?

Am I just being too naive?

Of course there's a lot of factors to consider. Attitude, trauma, self-preservation. And maybe I don't have all the variables. It's just.. it's so easy to fall to this pattern.

I hoped at the very least, he's not privy to their ugly conversations. If it were me, I would hate it to be in my death bed and have people fought over superficial stuff because they feel like they are only obligated to help. I don't want that. If i were to go, i wish it was sudden and quick.

Fuck.

Can you imagine ? Laying there in an unfamiliar place, tubes sticking into your body in all different places, sickly smell, knowing your days are numbered, and to hear your loved ones fighting about who's not picking up the bill and who's not putting the effort to stay and watch you while you're fighting to even open your eyes. To compare notes on who's had it worst?

"Try staying for one whole night, so you know how it feels"

"That's not it. We each do our part, some will put up money and some put up effort."

Like what? Is there a limit on how much help you are suppose to give out?

I understand all are tired and all are stressed. But please, is it so hard to be compassionate to each other?

I'm sorry. Even I am making this about something other than your passing. I hoped you were happy with your life. Rest well.

#47

There's an itch in me recently. Some voice is asking me to write a book. Is that my next move ?

I used to write novels (fanfic, tbh) and short stories. And i like reading back what I wrote cause I changed so much, I feel like I'm reading someone else's words. Someone else that I understood and connects to. Ha! Is that just me being self-centered?

Anyway, I have the itch and the very blurry idea of what I want it to be about. But I can't seem to solidify it. Maybe I should write something, anything, to get it started.

thoughtkick

“Don’t look for happiness in the same place you lost it.”

— Unknown

thoughtkick

“You often feel tired, not because you’ve done too much, but because you’ve done too little of what sparks a light in you.”

— Unknown

#46

Hello darkness my old friend

Gotta love me some triggers to keep me second guessing myself ♥️ at least I can be somewhat ironic about it.

Here's some issues I want to say but can't or actually won't

1. A kid that doesn't get enough attention seeks too much attention from other source and I'm sorry I can't fake myself even to a kid. Which brings me to this worm for thought : is it cruel to be real to a kid even if they feel hurt or canoodling them and they will not understand that not everyone is going to be nice to them just cause.

2. A woman whose mind is both rigid and influenceable is a puzzle that will forever disrupt me and the people who "respects" her.

3. How much of a thought is your thought. How do you know what thought actually is yours and which is actually ingrained by the people around you for their own personal agenda or close minded ness.

4. I hate family gatherings because it 90% of the time makes me feel like even more of the odd one more than being with strangers. Thank you family ♥️ I've never felt so much love

5. Am I just dejected by my reality or have I actually made peace with it if I keep dreaming of a different reality. Or am I just delusional. Or am I actually odd. Just a bit different than the people around me. Maybe I just have a weird genetic dash of autism. Although I don't think I'm educated enough about the topic to even bring it up. But I had always wondered, what about me that makes me different from the people around me.

6. I probably need to step out of my comfort zone more. Maybe. Although, why. Although, why not.

7. Just cause I'm on my own compared to your family of 3 or 4 or 12, does not mean what's mine is yours. Or that my life is fucking easy. You think you know the answers to what you've had similar experiences to, well guess what, no 2 people can ever truly goes the same exact stuff and come up with same exact conclusions

8. I kept silence because honestly I don't feel like I have a say and I'm not gonna shout it out and waste my resources to make you understand something that you can't comprehend. Or maybe this is just my defense mechanism. Or something that was ingrained in me. Ha ! Fun to be in my head 🧭

authenticity2025

Maturity is when you realize people can't give you what they can't give themselves, so you stop expecting loyalty from people who betray themselves, stop expecting honesty from people who lie to themselves, and stop expecting peace from people who are at war with themselves.

quotemadness

The hardest battle you are ever going to have to fight is the battle to be just you.

Leo Buscaglia

#45

Ok. I think I've mutated so many times in the past 5 years.

I'm so much calmer. Ha! Might be ironic as my previous blabs are kinda all over the place. But recently, it's more like riding the emotions.

Yes I was angry. But after letting it out and tiring myself out, I got over it. Although maybe it wasnt anything big enough to gauge any long term reactions. But I dont think last year me wouldve dealt with it so easily.

Anyway, more blabs.

It's kinda a weird feeling. As it kinda makes me feel isolated. To be able to move past something quickly. To others it'll probably feel like I don't care enough. I dont think I dont care. I felt it. Irrationally too much. But understanding people, and understanding me, I accepted it. Does it mean I'm secure enough to not let it effect me?

Yes, i'm having trust issues. I can't really talk to people right now because I feel like I cant trust them. I hated when people deliberately hide stuff from me. And I'm not sure who did and who doesnt. But I'm not holding contempt. I'm not angry anymore that people did what they chose to do or not do. I just accepted that as a fact. Is it skepticism or maturity?

#44

Theres this book I'm reading thats talking about seeing another person as illogical and less rational. Cause its sort of a muscle that you need to train to get good.

I guess instinct is sort of the same. Observe people long enough, you kinda know how people will act.

I wonder if people will develop some sort of test to measure that. Or would a limit even exist to quantify it?

Anyway, its sort of a double edged sword though isnt it?

Too rational, you end up not being able to connect. Too good of a instinct, you end up sensing a betrayal you might not need to feel.

Boy#05 (04)

I guess what bothers me most is that I thought we were at least friends. Cause I saw and understood you so well. Stupid of me to think that you understood me too. You never did. And I expected too much.

Damn it.

Boy#05 (03)

Goddammit fucker shit.

You don't get to make me feel stupid anymore. Fuck.

And to make me doubt everybody else.

Goddamn.

Grow the fuck up.

Shithead.

Boy#05 (02)

I saw you with her and eventhough I know it's too far out that you're gonna end up with her, I still feel something. What did I feel exactly, I'm not entirely sure.

Jealousy? Cause it wasn't me?

Insecurities? Cause I know we were similar in some way but you'd preferred her company?

Or betrayal? Because everytime we talked after it ended, you act like I mean nothing at all when we talked about everything all the time before?

I thought I wouldn't care anymore. It's been too long to feel anything for something that wasn't even a thing. Or maybe I just needed someone new to get my mind off you. Cause honestly, I don't like you. We talked so much and I knew how you think so well, and I don't really like what I see. So I don't understand. What's up brain?

quotemadness

A careful inventory of all your past experiences may disclose the startling fact that everything has happened for the best.

Unknown

Boy#05 (01)

Mistakes are only mistakes if you don't learn anything from them. If you do, they're simply street signs that guide you to where you should go.

I hope you get that. A lot of what happened still feel like mistakes after mistakes sometime. What if I did this instead of that. What if I look away when I know I should. What if I leave your car when I clearly should. What if I said stop at any point that night and after.

They all feel like mistakes when I look at them individually. But zooming out and seeing the whole story come together, I know things were supposed to go that way. The bad decisions were the right ones. For you and for me.

Just look at where we are after. At least, from my limited view of your life, you look well. Your life are no longer in a stand still.

You're another paradox in my life. I can't stand you when I think about you but still feel some pull when I see you. You're part of a necessary bad chapter of my life and I will forever be grateful.

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