antonia

26 | trying my best

[isolabellz]

shane hollander’s guide to lingerie inspired by this post

[antofeels]

do you also feel incompetent all the time?

every interaction, every movement, every plan you make is a problem, you think and think and cannot escape your own mind. maybe you did it wrong, maybe you offended them, maybe you should shut up.

nothing you do is right and everything you do is wrong.

anyways, my therapist say I suffer from thinking.

[antofeels]

i want to be understood so fucking bad.

i want my loved ones to watch my favorite movies. if they hear me talk about a show i've been obsessed with lately, i want them to just watch it. to read a book i quote once.

i crave an understanding love, someone willing to do everything in their power just to be a little closer to me. in mind, in soul.

[antofeels]

I watch movies and think of all the stories I could be telling. I read and think I should write. I go to a museum and ache to paint.

I want to create so bad but feel inadequate. what could I possibly tell?

[antofeels]

i am making coffee this morning when my boyfriend comes to the kitchen. “have breakfast with me?” I ask.

he nods, picks me up as if I weigh nothing and continues making my coffee as well as his. he puts some toast in the toaster and gets a couple of glasses for water, all while I am hanging onto him like I am a koala and he is a tree.

he never lets me down.

while the coffee is still brewing, he kisses me, slowly. we kiss there, one arm under my butt, the other near the coffee. his tongue opens my mouth as he deepens the kiss. he kisses my neck, my breast and stops. he looks at me, gives me one little peck and drops me.

“take the coffee to the table,” he tells me, deep voice, a bit raspy.

and i do.

[antofeels]

today I posted my first ever fic on ao3, I feel giddy

[antofeels]

I feel sad

I feel tired

I feel worthless

I feel pain

but it will pass, right?

[antofeels]

i have a huge crush on my boyfriend, im so fuck

[bugwings]

[antofeels]

I used to hate my thick thighs but now I really like squeezing them around my boyfriends head while he makes me come

[antofeels]

I wish I had more opportunities to talk about sexuality and gender.

[antofeels]

I love going late to sleep, the quiet and peace of feeling alone in the world. but I love waking up early in the morning too, very light, feeling peaceful.

i kinda wish I could stop time around 11pm for a couple of hours, getting that feeling of late night but being able to wake up early in the morning.

[antofeels]

it's almost 1am and I feel at peace.

im at my apartment, big t-shirt, no pants. I bought my first vibrator, very good experience.

im now reading fanfic after watching a movie.

I feel like the adult I wanted to be at 16. maybe my adolescence self would be proud of me.

i am proud of me.

[antofeels]

im spending the holidays in nyc, very far from home.

and even thought I've fantasized about moving away all my life to a place like this, I don't think I could. I would miss my friends so much

[antofeels]

been feeling confident and sexy

[antofeels]

I've always envied how easily you give away your smiles.

to the barista, the cashier, the people walking by.

to you, everyone is deserving of a smile. but I envy that they get to see yours. so beautiful and easy, it could make even the saddest person lift the corner of their mouth.

you were always light, and I was always afraid of taking it, but you made me realize that to you, I was also something precious, maybe even your light.

[antofeels]

I must be alone in this world.

why else would I feel like this?