Iāll never be able to understand how other people think and feel. And I donāt think anyone will or can understand how I feel. When my entire world, life and future was stolen from me, taken away in an instant. Without a reason. Without a cause. And Iām expected to just move on as if nothing has happened. As if everything Iāve know for the last 7 years of my life vanishes in an instant and thatās not something that should effect me. How can people do that? Do they just not feel? Do they not have emotions as I understand them? And in the reverse, Iāll never be able to comprehend how someone can spend a third of their life with someone and in an instant, forget them. Move on and be with someone else and be so totally happy and never even think about, or care about or have any feelings for that person. As if I never even existed. Itās just a feeling of worthlessness. That you could zero impact upon another person who you spend almost every day with for seven years to suddenly forget you. Have a new person and be so utterly happy as if theyāve lost nothing at all. Rather, that they gained something by erasing them from existence. I feel like a ghost. Some form of ethereal being that canāt affect or have an effect upon the world. To be so meaningless. And Iām not supposed to feel anything? Iām supposed to just be okay. Iām supposed to just move on with my life as if nothing happened? Iām not like anyone Iāve ever known. Everyone I know seems to just say, āwell thatās done, move along and move on.ā I might be a ghost but people like that are zombies. They may be able to affect and effect the physical world, but in truth they donāt feel anything. Maybe they just canāt. Maybe they refuse to. Or maybe Iām just some freak of nature that has no business existing. Iām a failed mutation that will die out when I die. And those same people will all forget me within days weeks or months.To know youāve had no impact on the lives youāve been a part of is a devastating feeling. It leaves you hollow and cold. It makes you wonder if you ever existed at all. Perhaps this is all just a dream, or maybe Iām just in a coma. Or maybe Iām in a computer program. Or maybe Iām some lab experiment to see how much emotion pain one human can endure before they completely break, fully snap inside and enter a form of living death. Not alive. Not dead. Just there. I truly hate life. Itās given me nothing but pain and sadness. And those who have caused so much pain for me donāt know or donāt care, or both. I remember reading Huckleberry Finn when I was a kid, and how he attended his own funeral. And how he got to see the truth of how people felt and thought of him. I think I could die in this moment here and now, and the one person I spent most of my life with, who I gave my heart body mind and soul to, wouldnāt even come to say good bye. Because I already ceased existing in their world, as if I never existed at all. And yet so much of what they have now is due in large part to my efforts. The only reason they arenāt ruined, jailed or otherwise torn apart from their awful choices and trips to the edge of the complete and utter destruction of their lives is because of me. Because I was there when no one else was, Because I cared when no one else did. Because I paid attention when no else noticed. Because I acted when everyone else ignored what was happening. And not like a worthless pieces of garbage Iāve been thrown away as if I never had any value meaning or importance to them at all. How can someone be so unfeeling? And you want to know the most painful thing, the sickest and more twisted thing? If she called me right now, Iād go running to her to save her. Because I know no one else will. No one has ever truly care about her. Which is why I sacrificed my soul for her, and it was never appreciated and now I am forgotten and erased from existence. And yet I still must exist in my own private hell, listening to people tell me to āmove onā because they could, because they donāt feel, they mustnāt or they wouldnāt say such things, because they know itās impossible to ever recover when youāve given everything left inside you to someone. And if I had the chance to start over, Iād do the exact same thing. Iāve give myself completely yo her because thatās where my soul belonged. It just was never valued at all. I hope there will come a time when she realizes what she had and what she has lost, and comes home to me where her heart is safe, she is truly loved, and where she will always be protected and nurtured. I just fear I wonāt be alive to accept her back into my arms. I may die alone. But I will die thinking of her. My one. My only. My forever.
izzy806
andulkaphoto
tangentwithtanner
yousharknotpass
romaincrisis
