Anxious Brain

[anxiousbrain]

opening - ice cream

me: hi, i have an important question, what's your favorite ice cream flavor?

they: cheesecake, mint and choco chips, you?

me:i like matchaa, may i steal some of your choco chips?

[anxiousbrain]

Dear Love,

How are you there? it is almost 6 months. 6 months of taking a break and trying not to work much. i know i am not really good at finding you my love.

current priorities, i am trying to take care of my mental health so i can stay alive tomorrow. i am a lot better now. i don’t have intention to stop living any more. at the moment, i like thinking about ‘tomorrow’. i try to slow down and to stay healthy physically after having too many scars.

i fell down 2 times, bike accident. lol, i have much more scars compared to a year ago. i think i space out during those 2 accidents and i thought about how to stop living. now i know being suicidal is not really solving the problem. but then, now i know being happy is also not really solving the problem. it is less painful though. so what is exactly my problem ? such a hard question to answer, and men probably would think i have a lot of issues. then, what are my issues exactly?

lol, love, this letter turns into too many questions.

see you soon,

[anxiousbrain]

Takut Pulang ke Rumah

Dani perlu pulang ke rumah. Lalu, Dani mencoba mengingat bagaimana rasanya pulang ke rumah, karena terakhir kali ia pulang ke rumah kemungkinan hampir 3 tahun lalu. Dani mulai lupa. Ada rasa sakit diperutnya ketika ia mencoba mengingat rasanya menjejakkan kaki di rumah. Dani merasakan takut.

[gentlemanmotorslifestyle]

[anxiousbrain]

Home office

[jp-arch]

丸正渡邊工務所 // 街並みの家 // 山梨県甲府市

[anxiousbrain]

Living room

[myhouseidea]

Southern Star Loft by Teammx @teammx.arq Principal architect Alejandro Hernández Moreno @moreno_

Get Inspired, visit www.myhouseidea.com

[anxiousbrain]

Kitchen design

[myhouseidea]

Gables House in Bartlow, Cambridgeshire by @cdcstudio. Photo by @huftonandcrow.

Get Inspired, visit www.myhouseidea.com

[anxiousbrain]

My front facade

[anxiousbrain]

Saat ini saya menghentikan perjalanan saya sejenak dan mengevaluasi jalan hidup saya. Karena saya sadar, saya menjalani hidup ini tanpa banyak berfikir tentang rancangan hidup yang saya inginkan.

I am punching a pause button for my life.

[anxiousbrain]

Why do I get sad whenever I think about my current work condition? I get sad, then cry. But I don't know why I cry during the busiest day.

I probably think that It is pathetic that I am not happy doing this busy day. I also have more thoughts about how my job is really useless.

[anxiousbrain]

Future

What kind of life that I want to have? 

1. I want to be happy;

2. I want to have a house;

3. I want to be happy in my own house;

4. I will figure out a way to earn money later next year;

5. I want to have a family of my own; and

6. I want to feel a life without anxiety.

[anxiousbrain]

Liar - Pembohong

Diantara banyak hal yang membuat diri ini sedih, sekelumit kecil adalah bagian dimana diri ini membohongi diri sendiri dan orang lain. Kenapa?karena alasan kesedihan yg ada dan terjadi terasa begitu sederhana, sehingga otak ini merasa tidak pantas sedih akan ada. Namun nyatanya sedih datang hanya karena aku merasa sendiri dan tidak cukup kuat menghadapi semua yg ada dalam hidup ini.

[anxiousbrain]

Writing for me brain not for others to read

brain

[anxiousbrain]

Saying Good Bye

what is fearful about saying good bye?

I am not sure, but I want to cry a lot now. I am trying to be honest and thinking about why do i afraid to say good bye.

Besok saya akan mencoba bilang selamat tinggal pada teman-teman kerja. Saya takut akan menangis. Saya akan coba untuk tidak menangis.

kira-kira ini yang akan saya ucapkan:

1. terimakasih sudah memberikan kesempatan untuk saya bekerja bersama kalian

2. ada banyak hal yang masih saya perlu pelajari, namun semoga kalian memahami bahwa saya sudah mencoba sebaik mungkin

3. saya hanya bisa berencana untuk tinggal dan bekerja di Vietnam selama masa kontrak saya, namun ada hal-hal yg berada diluar kontrol saya seperti unplanned event yang sering kita sebutkan dalam ESIA

4. saya suka bekerja dengan kantor ini dan saya bekerja di kantor ini selama hampir 4 tahun, namun semuanya tetap terasa seperti kemarin

5. saya bekerja dengan kantor ini namun saya juga banyak bekerja dengan kantor-kantor lain di luar vietnam

6. saya masih akan bekerja untuk indonesia bagi beberapa project yang sudah saya handle selama beberapa tahun ini dimana klien tidak akan bersedia jika saat ini saya digantikan.

[anxiousbrain]

we are okay, we are okay, we are okay

anxiety attack in the middle of the night (via anxiousputri)

[anxiousbrain]

we are okay, we are okay, we are okay

anxiety attack in the middle of the night

[anxiousbrain]

Agoraphobia and ADHD

Mental health is problematic cause. We cannot self diagnose. But once, you have it, you cannot say you have it before you talked to experts. Then, the pandemic hits, i believe that a lot of people are in need to talk to these experts. Waiting time to talk to them probably months. During this waiting time, the more anxiety attacks kick the more i don’t have any self confident that i am strong enough to stay here. I try.

[anxiousbrain]

Green banana is the worst. I don't think I can eat green banana. I tried..not good. It is not ripe yet, so it is chalky and probably not supposed to be eaten. My anxious brain was like...I am going to get food poisoning, a weird one, banana food poisoning. Then, my friend told me to put it in the same place as orange 🍊. 3 days after...my green banana turns yellow and sweet. It is amazing now. Happiness is simple. Probably, I'll make fried banana or banana pancake.