Anxious, Depressed, and Melanated

I may be anxious. I may be depressed. But, I am still here.

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Pandemic Woes

I am fearful.  A year ago, I was completely consumed by a shadow plotting my demise and now I find myself afraid that she will return.   What ifs plague my mind. What ifs rummage throughout my soul like soft whispers warning of the unknown.  What if...?   This question haunts me. It gnaws at the peace I create... even in my dreams.  I am imprisoned by these two words.... What if I never achieve my goals? What if I made all the wrong choices? What if I am wasting my life? What if...?! WHAT IF?!  I find myself spiraling out of control trying to come up with every possible outcome to every possible situation.  I thought I moved past this... I really thought I finally snuffed out the shadow and took over the reigns for good.  Will I ever truly feel at ease?  All I know is that I am terrified... terrified to yield to the unknown.  Because what if everything falls apart and then I once again find myself looking down at the fractured pieces of a person who tried so hard to heal.  But, I need to let go. I need to embrace the future not fear it.  I need to keep reminding myself that positive outcomes exist and I am worthy of them. 

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I used to write at least once a day to expel the inner demons from my mind and unto the page.   Now, I am rarely compelled to write... I no longer feel the constant tug of my shadow forcing herself to the surface.   I am finally liberated from her confinement and ready to delve into unforeseen territory.  But, I am still reluctant to rid myself of my rigid, tight-knit agenda and succumb to spontaneity.  My need for control which was once overwhelming has dwindled. However, it is still very present as my defense mechanism.  I am surrounded by this impenetrable wall to keep others at a distance.  But, I have apprehensively begun to dismantle it brick by brick and give into vulnerability. 

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Quite a bit has changed since the last time I was in Chicago.... Mainly me... I have changed.... At that time, I was someone whose health was deteriorating, both physically and mentally even though I’d never show it. Someone who bottled up her emotions and hid behind a facade of joy. Someone who walked through life in constant survival mode. But over these past 10 months, I’ve learned to delve into the inner workings of my mind, shed light on my pain rather than stifle it, and discard of any mask of insincerity. I gained a new sense of self worth that continues to blossom as I venture further down this path of recovery.

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I have changed a lot... for the better...  and I could care less if anyone disagrees.  I never realized how much I showed people what they wanted to see until I destroyed my mask.  Other than my closest friends, no one really knew me.... I would consistently wear this fabricated smile that took a lifetime to perfect and would focus all my attention on others to deflect from my truly broken demeanor.  Since committing to complete honesty, I have received an abundance of support and love.  Which I am still shocked by....   I have reconnected with so many wonderful individuals who I may not have seen or spoken to in years.... And for that, I am so appreciative.   At first, I was apprehensive about sharing because I didn’t want to seem attention-seeking....  But, I quickly disregarded that thought once people starting reaching out to me to say how much my story had impacted them.  My therapist talks about how I’ve lived my life without knowing who I am....  But for the first time, I feel grounded and I feel sense of security.   I no longer sacrifice my time and energy for others.  I no longer feel the need to accessible at every moment of every day.  I no longer seek validation from anyone other than myself.   But these are all new discoveries as I am still finding out who I really am.  My therapist told me that some relationships will shift now that I am well and that that is okay.     

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I am so unbelievably happy... which is such a new feeling. I wish I could revel in it but I’m so weary.... My therapist says that I need to embrace being healthy but also plan for the moments when my shadow wants to reappear. When she referred to me as “healthy,” I was taken aback and then immediately overcome with pride. I am so proud of myself. I finally unlocked the key to defeating my shadow. I officially moved past the darkest moment of my life and stepped into the sun. And for that, I am beyond grateful.

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TW:

I dread my birthday every year since I see it is a constant reminder of the goals I did not meet.   Typically, I wish for professional success.... But that wish came true this year and yet I have never felt as emotionally depleted.  I have starting reevaluating the real ways in which I can achieve true happiness and inner peace. I always thought my happiness was linked to my professional gains and financial security.  But this summer, I realized that has no substantial part of it.  In fact, I was the most successful this year but yet the unhappiest.  I hadn’t felt that overpowering emptiness since my attempt over a decade ago....  My attempt is my deepest, darkest secret.... When I was 13, I decided I didn’t deserve to see another sunrise....  Evidently, I didn’t succeed.... I also never told anyone.... until recently.   Until, I came back to that same conclusion....  Thankfully, this time,  I did not act on those urges.... But that doesn’t mean that it didn’t take every ounce of my being to stop myself.  It doesn’t mean that for 16 years, I haven’t thought about it.   Let’s be honest,  for over a decade, I intentionally deprived myself of food.... The sole necessity, I need to survive...    I’ve been very reluctant to talk about my attempt because I didn’t want seem weak.   I was so scared that if people found out that they wouldn’t want anything to do with me.  But, I let that go....  My therapist told me the key to unlocking my full potential is truth.  So, here’s my truth.... I am willing to exposing my shadow so that everyone realizes that we are all fighting our own hidden battles.    

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Today, my therapist laid out some reasons behind my patterns of behavior:

-Abandonment issues

-Childhood trauma

-Poor body image

-Low self-worth

-Severe trust issues 

-No boundaries

I am still processing it all....  But, when I see it listed, I can’t help but feel so sympathetic.  Am I really as sick as she says I am?  If it were anyone else, I would say yes.  But, I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that the list applies to me.  I am sick.  I may be better but I am not cured and I never will be.  And that is so daunting....

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Medication uncovered my will to live.  I honestly never thought I could feel at ease... that is was possible to not drudge through life.... I was always baffled by people who wanted to live forever.  How could anyone want to live in torment for eternity...? But I now realize that others don’t felt imprisoned by life like I was.  So, it’s officially been a month since my last encounter with the Big S.  As unsettling as it is, it’s also the longest I’ve gone without giving myself a definitive end date.  For my entire life, I have sought out validation in other people, whether it be for professional gains or personal strides.  But, I am proud of myself for completely committing to recovery... And, I don’t need anyone to reinforce that.  

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I keep wanting to be prove that I am well.  That I am back to “normal...”   That I am better.  I mean I am better but I wouldn’t consider myself normal.  Therapy has exposed many unhealed wounds of my past and forced me to acknowledge how sick I really am.  Today, as I was listening to my therapist breakdown my ED,  I felt saddened.  It was as if she was telling me about someone else and their pain and all I could do was empathize.  But no... she was talking about me... And in that moment, I recognized that my struggles are not minuscule annoyances but much more serious and dire. They aren’t new developments but lifelong installations.  I tend to diminish the severity of my issues to not inconvenience others.   I never want to be an inconvenience so I always silence myself or hide behind the mask of a bright, convincing smile.  I could take on so much of other people’s problems because I never thought mine were important enough.  Not by anyone’s else standard but by my own....  I prided myself on the fact that I could handle almost anything.  But in doing so, part of me died each and every time. My therapist told me that I am an addict.  I am addicted to control... And she’s right, I am.... But,  I am working as hard as I possibly can to learn how to be the best version of myself...to accept my imperfections... to feel true happiness.  So, if people ask if I have changed, the answer is yes.  I am not hiding anymore.  I am not scared of how I am perceived anymore.  As difficult as it is, I am now willing to reveal the rest of me. 

Side note:  This is the only post I’ve written that brought me tears....

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I finally came to the realization that I don’t owe anyone anything.  I actually don’t have to prove anything to anyone. And what a freeing revelation that is....

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I waded in the waves as the sun kissed my amber cheeks.  Grains of sweltering sand swaddled my toes.  The tender wind combed through my crown of curls.  The soothing murmur of the crashing waves engulfed me with tranquility.  In that moment, I was overcome with stillness.  I was weightless.  I was free.  And what’s sublimely strange is that I still feel that way... like I’ve had an epiphany.   Like I finally uncovered the key to achieving my “euphoria.” I rid myself of expectations....  My shadow fed on them. So, I cut off her sustenance and she vanished... another battle won. 

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So yesterday, I did something that I never thought I would do.  I used my social media platform to publicly expose my shadow.  I focused a spotlight to illuminate her monstrous demeanor for everyone to see.  I didn’t do it for sympathy.  I didn’t do it for the “likes.”  I did it because I am tired of hiding.  I’ve spoken about my toxic relationship with social media in the past.  I never thought that I would be mentally stable enough to reactivate these accounts.  But, I am. Before I returned to my social media, I made a pact with myself.   I promised to never contribute to this need to uphold a standard of perfection. And so, I swept away the fragments of my mask, stared straight into the eye of my shadow, and gave into vulnerability.   

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Today, therapy saved me from my shadow.  Last night, she forced me into a depressive, dissociative state and made me mask my turmoil for roughly 36 hours.  But my session this afternoon freed me from her clutches.   My therapist talked about the important of prioritizing myself, following my instincts on when to walk away, and being able to acknowledge when I am not okay.  I felt really defeated when I wasn’t able to fend off my shadow.  I thought that all the progress I had made was lost.... But my therapist said something that really resonated with me.  She said, “It’s okay if you aren’t okay.  We all have bad moments. But that’s all that they are... moments.  And moments always pass.”

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Today, a coworker told me she aspires to be as put together as I am.... Which I found hilarious.... I immediately replied, “I cannot wait until Wednesday so I can tell my therapist!” Even though she laughed, she didn’t seemed to understand why I was so taken aback by her statement. Am I really perceived as someone who has it all figured out? Anyone who has read even a sentence of my blog knows that I am anything but....

I am newly committed to only presenting my most authentic self. I’ve made a conscious effort to not display any mask of perfection. So, how do I still convey the impression that I’m put together?  Can others not see my shadow trying to reassert her authority? Maybe this is proof that my life isn’t actually in shambles but merely disjointed. 

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Today, I identified one of my triggers....  I concretely connected an emotion to a thought which I consider a great success.  My frustration was triggered by the disregard of my time.  I live my life by schedules and routine.  In this metamorphic period, I need that semblance of order to feel emotionally balanced.  Every part of my day is allotted whether it be work, activities, or rest.  But I need my schedule to remain in tact.  I flood my calendar so that I am never idle.  I’m afraid that If I stop moving, life will become too overwhelming to bear. But, I have newly embraced the concept of rest.  So, unlike the past, I now prioritize my own agenda and I check in with myself before I agree to anything.    But I find that some are reluctant to my lack of complete flexibility.  And therein lies my frustration....  I have always accommodated to other people’s schedule no matter how demanding mine was...  But I refuse to continue that behavior.... Expectations and prioritizing others lead to my breakdown and I cannot and will not return to that dark place.  So, from here on out, I will no longer expect people to meet me half way.   I will no longer hope for a particular response.  I will no longer put anyone’s needs above my own.  But, what I will do is reciprocate as much or as little effort as I’m shown.  

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My therapist says my inability to trust is a result of trauma.   We haven’t yet pinpointed what exactly lead to this overall mistrust. But today, my shadow got the best of me and I resorted to one of my toxic behaviors.  It’s difficult to admit that I believe that people almost always have an ulterior motive. More often than not, I am convinced when people give excuses, they are lying.  How can I ever truly know? People lie to avoid situations constantly so logically they must be lying to escape interacting with me as well.  My therapist would say that this thought process is irrational.  Apparently, all my thoughts are irrational, my relationships are toxic, and my coping mechanisms are nonexistent....  My therapist tells me that I impose my own unrealistically high expectations on others which I find quite upsetting but somewhat true. I do expect a lot from people.  I am accommodating, devoted, and reliable so I expect that others are too.  But, supposedly, there lies the problem....  I have to do away with all expectations.  But how...? 

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This hit way too close to home...