Things I thought were social anxiety but were actually cptsd and disorganized attachment
Presenting to a loved one was actually more terrifying than presenting to an enemy because if you care about someone, their opinion has the power to destroy you. If you "fail" in front of a loved one, you risk losing the connection, you risk feeling their disappointment, while the enemy is predictable, if you present to someone you hate, the stakes are lower, you already know they dislike you, they can't break your heart because they never had access to begin with.
Still being anxious no matter how many times I was exposed to a social situation
Feeling like I'm not allowed to speak, even simple phrases like "how are you" feel inherently awkward and fake. Sticking to a specific script, like always saying "whats up" if I break that script and say how are you instead, it feels off and unpredictable. Terrified of breaking the expectation, status quo, especially scared of breaking some unspoken social rule.
Always feeling like someone hates me and is going to yell at me.
Social anxiety times a million because its not just that I'm worried of being weird, but also worried that someone will discover the real me and be weirded out by it
Worrying about who you are not just about what you do
Scared of showing different sides of yourself to people. Feeling like those sides are fake and not knowing the real you
Not wanting to present to the class because you feel you have no idea who you are and the only sense of identity you get is from other peoples validation
When someone cheers for you, it feels awkward and vulnerable. Sometimes a 'im not allowed to be cheered for', or a 'you dont know the real me, im so fake'' feeling, sometimes overconfidence that you later regret and feel selfish by it
The fear of looking stupid accompanied with "If I let them see me, and they see I'm not enough, I will lose the only safety I have."
Constantly dissociating and forgetting I'm a physical human being
Hyper empathy and guilt over small things, like when I emailed my helper teacher a long apology essay because I felt horrible for avoiding her. (I looked back on this later and wondered who had sent that becasue suddenly I didn't feel that intense guilt anymore and couldn't access that guilt either)
Not knowing how to respond to friends online, worrying that whatever you say will result in them finding you odd, also you feel fake because you don't know yourself or your true emotions or how you feel about your friend, this causes your friends to think your fake too, you then dont reply to their texts further and forget they exist
Extreme sad and stressed reaction to someone yelling at you
Being too scared to say good bye on a call, something about it feels awkward and strange.
Feeling anxious even around your own friends, maybe even more anxious around your closest friend than a casual friend
Oversharing to a stranger you just met, but never sharing anything personal to your closest family member/friend
Can't stand being perceived even in a positive way. -Someone says 'you're amazing' , me: now I have to keep being amazing or I'll let them down'
Structural dissociation not just masking
Worrying about what people think of you, fearing being seen as weird and judged, but the fear results in an identity crisis and dissociation
Validation issues… you idealize them, and your whole mood is based on them now, as after one positive interaction suddenly, you’re very happy
Existential fear of disrupting others perception of you
Not a single piece of advice for social anxiety helping
Social anxiety is often about the fear of being judged or embarrassed in the moment. CPTSD and disorganized attachment are about safety, survival, and the fundamental stability of your identity. I spent so long thinking I was just socially anxious so my issues never really went away. The treatment was CBT and just putting myself out there more, Cbt doesn't always help with trauma. You can reframe your thinking by rewording it, but it doesn't take away that feeling that everyones mad at you, it doesn't take away the shame or guilt.
