[anxiousventing]

Behind the Wall

I want to speak

But no matter how hard i try

I can't retrieve my voice

Stuck behind a wall of self critcism &the fear of being judged

Haunted by the ghosts of past traumas

constantly hovering over me and whispering

"you'll never be good enough"

Suffocated by feelings of inadequacy

My voice is there somewhere

I know it is

I reach for it desperately

Somewhere deep within me I'm screaming

But it's quickly drowned out by the agonizing screeches of anxiety

That snuff out my voice

like a rainstorm snuffs a fire There's no warmth inside me

Only dampness that won't ignite Voices reach from beyond the wall "Everyone loves you" "you have worth" "you work hard" "come back to us"

and though those words are comforting to hear

they're not enough to pull me over I'm still trapped

I hope I won't be here forever

It's lonely behind this wall

[desnos]

[furiousgoldfish]

Living with trauma is exhausting. In every moment of your existence, you’re carrying trauma inside of your body, while keeping dissociated from it. There’s no choice, the trauma can’t get out of all at once without killing you, you can’t be aware of it all of the time without it killing you, it has to stay inside of you, while you’re dissociated from it, so you could keep living. Every time some of it comes out it’s pain like nothing else, panic attacks, shaking and writhing and memories nobody would ever want to remember, and I get shocked by realizing that I was carrying that inside of me for the past 10 years or longer. How could I have lived with that inside of my body, waiting to get out? Only by spending giant amounts of energy on keeping dissociated from it, and this wasn’t a choice, my body decided it for me, to sacrifise all that energy so I could keep bearing this and keep being alive. It’s no wonder so much of us are chronically exhausted, in pain, and struggling to function. How would we be normal while terror and pain are creeping inside of us, waiting for any chance to get out, to destroy us temporarily.

[wolfteethe]

Me: actually, I don’t think I’m traumatized. My trauma doesn’t affect me

Me again, 10 minutes later after someone yells: (uncontrollably shaking, paralyzed, can’t talk) yeah nevermind I’m valid

[furiousgoldfish]

Experience of living in abuse is one of the constant feeling of being left out. You’re left out of your own family, you don’t feel like you’re one of them, or like everything that’s theirs is yours, or like they want you around. You feel like you’re the extra, the burden, someone who is only a complication to their life. Like everything would be better if only you weren’t around. Abusive parents will often reinforce this feeling and try to convince you that everyone else sees you as burden as well. Friend’s parents giving you a ride? How could you inconvenience them like that. Being invited to a party? How are you going to make up to them for feeding you. Going to hang out at friend’s house? They’re probably tired of you and don’t want you around. It keeps happening until you feel like you’re a burden everywhere you go.

And then you’re always thinking of how to be useful enough, how to do enough to not be considered a hindrance, how to be good enough for something, how to deserve to exist, and to be a part of something. Even your appearance, your tone of voice, your clothing, your manners, everything seems to be exposed to criticism, and not good enough. In your group of friends, you keep analyzing if you do enough to make up for the face they’re keeping you company, you try to not have any needs or desires that would take up their time and energy. You’re always focused on how you might be dragging someone down or slowing them down, or being in their way of something. Making up reasons why you’re not good enough, or why people would probably be happier if only you weren’t in their life.

And there’s always something, maybe you said something that wasn’t the best possible thing to say in that situation, maybe you couldn’t do your best at someting because you felt too depressed or anxious or struggled with executive dysfunction, maybe you didn’t give enough attention when someone asked it of you, maybe you were focused on your own problems for a bit and called selfish for it. It felt dreadful. Like every single rejection, abandonment, betrayal and hurt you experienced could be blamed on you, and you deserved that.

It’s not really the truth. We’re all humans, and we sometimes do things that inconvenience others. It doesn’t mean we’re burdens, or that we don’t deserve friends and company and love and all good things that come from socializing with others. People who would have us believe that every single thing we do wrong means it’s better if we didn’t exist, are people who don’t mind hurting us horribly, in order for us to be more useful to them. Abusers who make us incredibly self-conscious about how much we give to others, are those who want us spending our every minute of the day trying to be more useful to them - trying to make us live our lives for them, and not ourselves. It doesn’t really matter if you sometimes inconvenience others. People are like that. And people are also warm and clumsy and sometimes funny looking and they’re impossible to live without. You are one of those too.

[notexactlycoping]

When you hear a song that reminds you of Them™️ and feel your soul descending directly into hell.

[anxiousventing]

This happens to me with so many songs it drives me insane. So many songs send me into flashbacks I hate it so much and I don't say anything about it bc I feel like I'm being dramatic

[thedarkperidot]

Unpopular opinion- you’re a trash parent if you constantly throw what you do for your child in their face. You’re SUPPOSED to care for them, you chose to have them.

[traumaticbackstory]

[thedarkperidot]

95% of my personality is worrying I do everything wrong and that I will inevitably be abandoned because my traumatised ass is too much and simultaneously not enough

[quiet-reassurance]

Someone: *doesnt actively abuse me when i do something that inconveniences them*

Me: omg you’re actually so nice??? i love you

[anxiousventing]

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

I'm stuck

In my own head

In my own body

I'm stuck

[anxiousventing]

Cipralex/ lexapro

Does anyone have experience being on cipralex/lexapro? My doctor prescribed it to me for my severe anxiety and I'm debating whether or not to start it.

[zarathustra-would-be-proud]

[officialhome]

reblog if u are currently A Mess

[kiwissoda-deactivated20180822]

Can anyone tell me

Why relaxing is just

so goddamn difficult what the f u c k

[porcelain-doll-bones-deactivate]

is this what a panic attack feels like?

[lilmissnayy]