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@apartment5617-blog
the roommate situation: part thirty-five
The "roommate situation" is coming to a close. I am in the process of moving into a sweet old house with a dear friend.
I will certainly miss the entertainment provided by "The Roommate," Donna, and froommate.
It has been memorable.
P.S. A bird just flew into our living room and died.
the roommate situation: part thirty-four
Donna is trying to sell her dogs on Facebook.
What?
She claims she can't take care of them while studying for finals. She has a boyfriend...who I am pretty sure isn't in school right now.
I don't even understand.
the roommate situation: part thirty-three
A few things have been cleared up that I forgot to mention...
The Valentine's-Day-Chinese-Baby's-First-Christmas-stocking mystery (that I talked about here): Donna explained that her bf bought it for her because she is "like a cow....stubborn like a cow." Ah, yes, makes perfect sense. I am in love with Chinese love.
Donna makes this noise every morning, and sometimes it wakes me up. It sounds similar to someone vomiting, but you can tell it's not. This was all cleared up when I got to meet and talk to David Sedaris! He explained that this is what Chinese people do. She's hocking flem out of her throat. They believe in doing this--along with some other pretty gross things--wherever they are (grocery store, school, restaurant, street, etc.) and don't even give it a second thought. It is a part of their culture. I have no interest in going to China now.
P.S. It's just "The Roommate" and I this weekend. In other words, I stay locked in my room while she takes over the living room and watches Smallville marathons.
the roommate situation: part thirty-two
It has been a busy and eventful morning.
At 3am, the alarm in our building went off. Donna and bf were the last ones stumbling out of the building--this happens every time. Donna and her boyfriend will not be woken for anything.
At 8:45am, we were notified that there is a tornado warning and we should go to the bottom floor of the building. I told Donna's bf and he said, "What is tortito?" I told him it is a really bad storm that can destroy buildings and he needed to go to the bottom floor. He said, "What is the bottom?" I explained. He told me thanks. They never came downstairs.
But all survived, except I haven't seen "The Roommate" since she rushed out into the storm to take a test...
the roommate situation: part thirty-one
"The Roommate" left a creative writing story on the coffee table. Naturally, Froommate read it and I stood guard by the front door.
It was this weird story about a serial killer.
I think that maybe "The Roommate" might actually kill me--like my good friend Myron predicted back in January.
If I die, Froommate, the password to my tumblr, email, etc. is on a post-it under my desk.
Just kidding, I'll never die.
the roommate situation: part thirty
Chinese culture (aka Donna) never cease to amaze me.
I sent the following text to Froommate:
"Those chicken feet are in a pool of blood in a tupperware container. I might throw up."
the roommate situation: part twenty-nine
Donna and her boyfriend are always in the shower, using the shower, going to the bathroom, having conversations in the bathroom, talking on the phone in the bathroom, etc.
What the what?
I gotta go!
the roommate situation: part twenty-eight
Donna,
Make it stop!
It's 4:55am and your alarm is going off! (I know you don't have class...so why is it set so early?)
I'm getting a headache. Seriously.
Sincerely,
me
the roommate situation: part twenty-seven
Donna and her boyfriend have been using my towels. MY towels! For the whole semester. I feel so violated.
the roommate situation: part twenty-six
"The Roommate" and her (gay) ex-boyfriend have been talking about getting back together (sort of) but one of her friend's has been talking to him and telling him that "she has changed and she's afraid "The Roommate" is going to make some decisions she will regret." Uh, friend, that's probably ALREADY happened--she just doesn't know it yet. "The Roommate" is pissed.
"The Roommate" has been wearing midriff shirts (more than one) all day.
"The Roommate" is going to a frat party tonight, in the smallest white dress I have ever seen.
"The Roommate's" new boy was in the apartment all day Friday because he was hung over and stayed the night. She is mildly unhappy about his behavior.
Drama.
the roommate situation: part twenty-five point five
P.S. "The Roommate" and her friends think they are taking Donna under their wing...but they are doing her a disservice. Donna was trying to get them ("The Roommate" and her friend) to help her figure out the word 'chatty' but instead the friend told her to say 'gabby'. Which sort of works--but not really.
Froommate perfectly identified why this is going to be a problem. "I know she's going to call someone 'Gabby' and they are going to think, 'This bitch doesn't even know my name.' I really want to help her!"
the roommate situation: part twenty-five
Exhibit A: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bf4oDjHUmkY
"Vin Diesel and 'The Rock' and Paul Walker are all in the same movie. It's like they went out and said, 'we're going to get the hottest men ever.' And then they did."
Spoken by: "The Roommate"
Exhibit B: "The Roommate" has claimed to have never had alcohol until recently. She also remains one of the most confusing people I have ever met, and I often believe she has multiple personalities.
"I used to have a Volkswagen but then I totaled it. It had nothing to do with the driving but had everything to do with the beer."
Spoken by: "The Roommate"
the roommate situation: part twenty-four
The ex-boyfriend has returned.
Froommate and I were just reading Tina Fey's new book Bossypants aloud. Apparently whatever was going down in "The Roommate's" room was really boring because they were listening. For way too long.
Her (gay) ex-boyfriend comes out of her room "looking for the Oreos" and (first, acts like a jerk) then says, "Well, I hope your book about molestation turns out well...." He also said something else pretty douchey that I cannot remember.
Get. A. Life. And. A. Boyfriend.
P.S. Your "lady" might be a ho!
the roommate situation: part twenty-three
Two things regarding "The Roommate" today:
I think we might be seeing a return of the (gay) ex-boyfriend. Nooooooo!
A friend of hers came over today and let her borrow what I am assuming was a dress--I didn't actually see it--they spent around five minutes full of "omigoshes" and "awwws" while talking about how well it fit her. When her friend left "The Roommate" said, "Bye darlin'." Typical.
Too much.
Froommate is SO COOL.That is all.
the roommate situation: part twenty-two
Yet another weird food experience:
Last night, Donna gave us (friend/roommate, our friend B, and myself) these...they are called Taro buns.
Donna has given us lots of authentic Chinese food and literally everything has been so bland that it tastes like air. Taro bun (with "taro paste" inside) tastes no different.
the roommate situation: part twenty-one
Tonight, friend/roommate and I were discussing when our Asian roommate, Donna, runs.
I will literally be sitting in my room and hear this running that has a sound that can only be described as a shuffling elephant. It must be the combination of: the flip-flops she wears constantly, the continuous running from living room to bedroom and back again, and the dragging of her feet on the carpet. I am not sure why but it is super entertaining.
When I described this sound froommate knew exactly what I meant. Seriously when you hear it for about 3 seconds you think some sort of emergency is occurring--then you realize it's only the shuffling elephant.