archive

the right decisions are not easy ones, they’re not the ones that give you butterflies

[apathetic-anxieties]

she’s dead and you said it so casually

she’s dead

it’s so hard to picture

i’m so sorry because you just can’t seem to ever escape pain and you’ve never deserved it

i cry about the pain i caused you even still

i cry tonight about the pain you’ll have now

i don’t want you to feel alone

i’m so sorry

she took care of me, and she made me feel safe, she made me laugh, she welcomed my sibling, she gave me hugs, she had the brightest eyes and the biggest smile and i only knew her so little

i can’t imagine losing her like you lost her

she’s at peace now

all those years she suffered and now it’s ok, now she’s safe

-

please cry

please don’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, please don’t put on a brave face for anyone, please never make yourself smaller or happier or more digestible for anyone, you’re allowed to be human and you’re allowed to fall apart and you’re allowed to miss your mom. you’re allowed to disagree and you’re allowed to say the truth

i still know what it looks like when you’re not actually okay, and to your credit you’re pretty good at it, but i wish you weren’t.

i wish you never had to hide and i wish you didn’t take it out on yourself and i wish your anxiety wouldn’t be so bad, but mostly i wish you never had to feel any pain.

i wish i could hold your hand and cry with you

i wish that i could feel the pain instead of you

[apathetic-anxieties]

i feel so judgy but

idk i’m over my impulsive phase. i don’t find the reckless party culture appealing in any way anymore

i’d rather have something real, real people, real love, real intimacy that means something

i don’t crave the adrenaline rush, it’s just childish to me now, it got me into such deep shit in the past

watching people throw their lives away for what i know is destructive, it scares me,

and it brings back really horrible memories, like i learned my lessons the hard way

idk they should live how they want but i don’t want to have to see it anymore, like it just isn’t the flex they think it is, but it’s gonna start shit if i do something about it and

idk i don’t want to relive anything anymore

i don’t wanna surround myself with people who don’t value the same things

[apathetic-anxieties]

maybe it’s the taurus in me but literally

where is the loyalty

you’re all so fucking fake

you’re all talk and it hurts. i wish it didn’t but it hurts that everyone forgot. like it doesn’t matter. like not even two months ago she did something fucking disgusting and no one even cares. it’s like she gets a reward for breaking my heart. like

how am i supposed to feel

[apathetic-anxieties]

ew ew ew she makes me fucjing sick

i’ve literally never known a more cold hearted fucking person

she takes everything and never says sorry and it still makes me want to throw up

but everyone fucking loves her so i guess i’ll never stop hearing her name or seeing her in pictures or tiktoks

because she parties, right? because she’s reckless, right? because she doesn’t give a fuck about consequences and she doesn’t care about anyone,

right?

[apathetic-anxieties]

i wish you’d leave my dreams

it would be so easy to be in love with you again, it was always simple, always gentle

pure

but you live a different life than i do and i don’t know if you really even think about me

i need to let you go because i’d always be the second choice, i’d always be loved slightly less

[apathetic-anxieties]

i’d love you if i could

[apathetic-anxieties]

no one gets it

no one even tries to be on my side

i just want someone who understands

i don’t want your shitty advice or philosophical takes

i want to cry and be a mess and feel the hurt

[apathetic-anxieties]

i’m mad at myself for thinking my own mother would take care of me for once??? what the fuck is that??????

[apathetic-anxieties]

literally who the fuck does she think she fucking is

going around spreading my private fucking business to anyone she can fucking find

she’s sat around my whole life just waiting until i snap and fuck up and that’s when she gets the gossip material of her dreams

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

sometimes i feel guilty for wanting to leave her behind but then i remember

the fucking audacity she must have

to not take care of her own daughter

and rub salt in my wounds

i was hurt and you did nothing

you’ve never done anything

you’re supposed to be a mother

you’re supposed to be fucking anything but this

[apathetic-anxieties]

part of me wants you to be the one but

you changed a little too much

you live a life i never could

and i don’t want to be in your background

[apathetic-anxieties]

insomnia (on purpose)

[apathetic-anxieties]

i’ve felt sick nonstop for over a week and i’m so fucking tired of this

why why why

[apathetic-anxieties]

i just want everything to be normal

please let me go back please

i’m tired of being in this nightmare

[apathetic-anxieties]

i don’t care i don’t care. please.

[apathetic-anxieties]

bad day

and i have nothing to look forward to

and i just can’t see myself being anything

[apathetic-anxieties]

i want love and i want my best friend but you still make me sick

how is this fair

how can i be so alone

[apathetic-anxieties]

i’m so proud of myself