I dont want to live

I'll post sometime something what is inside my head

[apatheticme-blog2]

I don't need praises. I want to only not to hear complaints. That's how I was raised. No praises. It's annoying when you tries your best, doing everything perfect, as good as you can, and hear only complaints. I'm gonna graduate with perfect grade, I got good job in scientific institute without looking for a job, two professors want me to do PhD, but my family only complaints about that I'm gonna not earn as much money as in corp. I'm not thinking about praises, because I was always problematic child, who was bad at learning, but when i goes on college, on second degree i was perfect student with high grades and I have much knowledge in my field. Why I'm hearing only complaints? I'm that much bad? I'm a bad son? Because I'm not gonna be rich on my first job? I swear, next month I'm gonna live on my own and I'm going to be at home only two times per year. I hate my family. I hate everyone. I just want to have a peaceful life... It's that much? I want more than i should?

[apatheticme-blog2]

I hate my life and my family. I got a first job. Not a well paid, but quite good and easy and in my field of interest. But my father complaints about it every time, because it's not as well paid as it should be after a few years of experience. He complaints about it all the time. He think I should be hired in corporation where i should earn twice as I earn now. But he don't understand that in corps there is so much unpaid work that i would work whole week, even Saturday and Sunday and nobody will pay me for that. Now i got easy and interesting job in my field of interest but i earn not so much as in corp. I hate that, because i would like to earn less if I can have free time after work time. My friends needs to work on weekends in corps but they earn more than me and in fields that are not interesting to me. But my father still complaints and can't understand that.

I'm drunk as fuck. I wish I would live in rent apartment in city where i have a job. I would like to rent apartment next month and live free of my family. Now, when i have stable source of income i can do it. And go to therapy and nobody (my family) are gona judge every step of my life. I was throwing my trash and my mother saw a few empty bottles of beer and she call me a drunkard. Only a few empty bottles if beer after a month, and now I'm a drunkard. Sure, today i drunk a whole bottle of vodka, but it's first time after a few months. I hate them. I want to live without them. I want to live a free life. And maybe with a girl who understands me, but it's an empty wish...

[apatheticme-blog2]

Log update. I'm still alive, but i hope not so long. I feel so bad. Like some sort of sickness is eating me alive. I'm finding more and more scars on my ugly body. My bones and muscles hurts. I feel like I'm gonna throw up everyday. And depression is killing my mind. Can somebody end my pathetic life? I'm so lonely that I'm falling for some random girl meet online, who just had sex with other guy while being in happy relationship with another one. It's not looking good. But she is nice to me from time to time. I know it's bad and i shouldn't feel anything for her, but I'm so lonely, that i need some good words and someone who will believe in me, because i can't believe in myself. She woke something in me, something human, and now I'm feeling even worse than before. Every time, when she is absent for more than 0.5h i think she is with other guy. Does having only one person, who will carry me is to much? I need help so much, but my depression prevent me for seeking help in real life. Please, anyone, help me...

[apatheticme-blog2]

I can't... I just can't... Why I can't be like others? Normal people? When it's birthday, summer or holidays normal people feels happy, special or at least calm, but I must feel more sadness than usual. I just feel... Sadness. Because I'm here, alive. It's hard to handle it. Before pandemic I was drinking everyday for several months... Now I can't just go to liqueur shop and buy vodka to drink it alone. I'm not addicted, I don't feel I need to drink, but it was helping me to fall asleep at night.. right now I'm just laying on the bed. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should kill myself few months ago as I was planning to do... I feel like I'm unable to talk normally to anyone. Everything just piss me off. Every word, every act. I'm not able to pretend anymore that I'm ok. What should I do...

[apatheticme-blog2]

I'm still alive. Unfortunately. Quarantine is killing me. I live with my parents now and they are digging a hole in me. Hole in my emptyness. I need to pretend everything is ok all the time. I don't even know if I have any sanity left... Thoughts about suicide can't leave my head. I almost did it in February... I was thinking I'm ready, but I was not at all...

I.. just not believe in that I'll be normal one day... That I would think clearly or positively about myself. That I'll be not alone.

Can anyone write to me? I need talk...

[apatheticme-blog2]

everything seems to be ok, but im still sick and depressed. everything seems to be alright, but i feel so bad, that i thought recently i need to go to hospital. everything is gray, i dont see colors anymore. everything is sad and i cant change that... 

[mypenleaksiridescence]

[apatheticme-blog2]

it is not that easy…

[apatheticme-blog2]

that feel when you argue with virtually everyone you meet because you have depression and nobody can understand you. 

[mypenleaksiridescence]

Why does it take so long to fall out of love when we fall in love so quickly?

-It Feels Like Drowning…

[apatheticme-blog2]

i cant sleep... i cant sleep... i cant sleep...

[apatheticme-blog2]

sorry i didnt write but i know nobody read this. All thing goes wrong. I think im very sick. It hurts physically but more than that it hurt mentally. Im alone in the dark. Everyone has high expectations from me, and I do everything wrong. Nothing tastes like before. Right now im alone, in the middle of an empty meadow, in the middle of the night, and I think I'm going to sleep here with the hope of not waking up.

[apatheticme-blog2]

And that’s it. I'm completely alone. I have nobody else. My Sister... Now i’m stranger for her... Everybody will leave me sooner or later. I’ll always be alone in the dark.

[mypenleaksiridescence]

I don’t want to feel that hurt again. But… I do want to feel that in love again.

I’m Torn (via mypenleaksiridescence)

[timbllr]

[apatheticme-blog2]

I think, love is for weak people. Strong person can live without love, but the strongest person can live with hate and control it. I must to learn control my hate and anger.

[apatheticme-blog2]

i love this song...

[apatheticme-blog2]

sorry, i forgot to write here... She does not like me as much as i like her... First of all i’m terribly jealous and she have few close male friend and hug with them. When i see this i’m full of anger. And often ignore me :/ Today was a concert here and i saw her with another guy and her friends and she was dancing with him. This is sad because earlier she text me she can’t see me because she have something to do... Now i understand i’m only schoolmate and she needs me only to help her with learning. Today i was so angry that i nearly beat my old mate. I can’t controll myself...