Musings for My Therapist @apology-fae - Tumblr Blog

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to analysize: the frantic urge to 'be correct' and 'do the correct thing' at all times - having to match energies and match expectations and be correct and right and normal even in situations without a "correct" or "proper" response or option

Having to always do things the right/correct/proper way even in open-ended scenarios or instances where I'm supposed to be earnest, authentic, or 'imprecise'

!!! Nobody Needs To Read This !!!

I'm just venting... because situations like this have happened multiple times recently and it's not fun...

Okay last bit of vulnerability posting for the next long while... but I have ended up in multiple situations in the past that have a similar pattern...

I do something, or sometimes I don't do something. It depends.

Another person, someone I'm supposedly on good, close terms with finds issue with the thing I did or did not do.

The other person tells me I'm being evil, an asshole, a dick, self-centered, so on and so forth.

(Evil is the one that feels the weirdest to have launched at me... because that assumes I have a strong sense of malice attached to what I'm doing...)

I pause and take this in. I was unaware (genuinely) that whatever I did or did not do was having a negative impact. Or at least, I was unaware it was having such an intense impact.

I send a message or try to talk to the other person so I can apologize and figure out how to rectify the situation. Though I also feel the need to ask for clarification because I have a hard time understanding other people's emotional states.

(Maybe my apologies come across disingenuous? But I'm not sure how to fix this...)

Then the other person blocks or ignores me and never talks to me to my face again but makes it incredibly clear they hate my guts and I'm left really, really confused. Because from my perspective it went from 0 to 100 and the switch from friends to one-sided enemies (because I am usually just confused, maybe a bit frustrated at most) is coming from next to nowhere.

I get that I can behave poorly sometimes, but if you refuse to talk to me about it then it feels like you were just waiting for an excuse to get mad at me and you weren't actually seeking to resolve the issue or stay in contact.

I'm not saying you have to step by step walk me through it but even just a more clear explanation of "Your choice to do/say X made me believe or made me feel Y..." would be nice.

It's especially stress-inducing when this happens with people who are fully aware I have mental health issues and disorders that may impact some of my behaviors... like, I genuinely get confused very easily - I don't just say that to play dumb. I genuinely have a hard time processing other people's emotional states... I can't read social cues... I mirror other people's behavior and mask automatically... I get burned out easily and often self-isolate for periods of time because I get so stressed I end up physically sick... I shut down when dealing with confrontation and am not quick to respond because I need to forcibly regulate myself... when stressed I disassociate and will appear far more detached than normal because I literally become incapable of feeling any emotions (including my own)...

I don't mean to sound unstable or like... berserk... but it just confuses me so much. I feel confused. I live life assuming me and another person are on good terms then I do something wrong and next thing I know I'm deemed evil and malicious and it's like all of a sudden the other person just hates me so bad...

And they hate everything about me...

And I'm just left sitting there like... if you were so quick to hate me the second you had 'proof' I was a bad person then... what does that say about our friendship?

If it takes barely a day or two after I mess up for you to be bashing me and my interests and making fun of me and utilizing sensitive information I told you in confidence then like... did you ever even like me to begin with? How long were you sitting there thinking these thoughts and just feigning like you liked me or cared? If you talk on and on about my weird hobbies and dumb interests when just a week or two ago you were telling me you thought my hobbies and interests were cool then like... were you just lying to my face then? How long did you hate everything about me? How long did you look down at me and regard me as a fucked up weirdo loser freak? Were you just waiting for me to slip up so you could have an excuse to bully me and mock me and feel 'in the right' for it?

I know this just provides more ammo to prove I'm some unstable self-centered loser insane weirdo creep or whatever... this is just a giant post that can be shared or quoted to prove I'm some dumbass crazy deranged psycho but I just...

I feel confused. I feel hurt. I don't know man... it just makes me think of being in elementary school and having friends who were only friends with me because of proximity or because I had something to offer... then the second I slipped up they'd pounce and tear me a new one with problems they had never told me before and I just had to sit there and realize they were never really friends to begin with. Like, I thought being an adult and going to therapy and taking pills and doing all the work would keep this from happening but I guess I'm just permanently meant to be the autistic kid people 'befriend' to keep as a pet and then the second I act out of line I get to be the real life lolcow who gets made fun of for the things they told others in moments of trust and vulnerability.

cannot repost the posts that are like 'maybe i just suck and am doomed' because haha no :) I do not suck and I am not doomed :) sometimes life throws me a curveball but I am not doomed actually - and sometimes people are rude to me but that is a reflection of them and not me

"Hey sorry if I seem angry or if my response is incoherent or emotionally all over the place and makes zero sense and is full of undue emotions and bullshit"

"dude what are you talking about this is a coherent piece of writing that's just you relatively calmly expressing your emotions"

My therapist tries to help me deprogram certain beliefs and thoughts I have ingrained within me and then these moments just reinforce them... My therapist was noting that I have the intense tendency to people please, over apologize, and pre-emptively change my behaviors and mannerisms to avoid getting in trouble and she's been trying to help me learn that I don't need to do that... that it's not healthy to live with the belief that a single action by me will earn some form of punishment or mockery from people who are close to me... but then stuff like this happens and I feel like it's a reminder that I'm not supposed to do things without thinking five steps ahead to make sure I don't make anyone mad at me...

i dont need other people to validate whether or not im a good person because i know via my past behaviors that i am generally good - not perfect - but generally good

it just feels like being hit... i... i dont say that kind of shit about other people... and you come in and mock me... you call my emotional posts 'deranged' and act like my coping mechanisms are dumb and i get youre mad over a perceived slight but the hatred oozing from your every word about me feels so intense it's like... so did you ever really like me? because you dont talk about me like you ever listened or accepted or enjoyed any part of me?

to decide because of one mistake im the devil... i guess that says more about them than me but still... why must you dig into me so severely???

i want to go and ask them - talk things over - but they'll ignore me or drag me further and i know no good will come from it

I told you about my issues getting diagnosed with BPD, I told you (in-depth) about my romantic and sexual trauma and you... you go and call me deranged and evil and mock me online? genuinely what?

i cannot express how much it feels like a knife twist to the gut to have someone just completely mock me for details about myself and my life that i told them in confidence

i will not vague post i will not vague post i will not vague post i am a mature adult

i was earnest and open about myself and i thought they could maybe understand and they just... mocked me... they mocked my coping mechanism and things i told them in confidence - i know im weird - i get it - but why use that as ammo?????

going to tear off my skin and crash out STOP MOCKINGME I DIDNT FUCKING DO ANYTHING STOP PLEASE I DONT KNOW WHY YOU HATE ME WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVEN DO?....??????

apology-fae

Having to always do things the right/correct/proper way even in open-ended scenarios or instances where I'm supposed to be earnest, authentic, or 'imprecise'

apology-fae

is this connected to a hard time trusting myself, hard time forming my own opinions, inability to feel confident in my own beliefs? or a fear of reprisal? fear of judgement? what do i believe? what is my belief system?

I understand I am not perfect and it's rude not to respond to someone's messages when they text and that I need to be better about explaining when I suddenly go offline or don't respond to messages like I'm supposed to... but I feel like saying you hate me and that I was being deeply, inconsiderate and the like because I haven't responded in (less than) 48 hours is a bit... unfair to me...

I don't know, I guess in my head the time to start getting upset over being ghosted or dropped or ignored is like minimum three days... but I can usually stave off any strong action until like a week - because sometimes people have sudden things come up or are dealing with mental health episode... and I suppose my understanding of these things are not law... but damn...

I feel like I was accused of lovebombing within a day and a half of not responding and like... A) it's not even been that long since I responded to conclude I'm like ignoring you or dropping you and B) i guess lovebombing doesn't have to be intentional but i - i wasn't trying to lovebomb - i was just matching energy and doing what i thought was correct

a certain numbness to emotional rejection that is soothing... its no longer intense or terrifying... of course i dont care - why would i?

how to control physical reactions to stressful stimuli????

list of people i feel forever safe around

+ sadie

+ kishi

+ jam

nobody looks good... lots of miniscule errors and sins

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