Dear Jerk: Open Letters Of Frustration

Missives of irritation and disbelief

[aprileverymonth]

Dear Netflix:

2/1/13

You lost a huge chunk of your customer base (including me) when you restructured your pricing to make streaming a separate service from disc delivery, with an additional charge attached. This effectively nearly doubled the fee you used to charge for both services.

Do you really think your Undertone Networks ad campaign, in which a stealth popup window with a Netflix ad opens beneath my browser window, is the right way to go about winning me back?

You must feel pretty clever, bypassing my popup blocker—you know, that thing I installed because I never wanted to see another popup ad ever again—with your “popunder” ad. Enjoy that glow of smug superiority, because it’s all you’re ever going to get from me.

More Disgruntled Than Ever, Me.

[aprileverymonth]

Dear Post Cereal Company:

1/31/13

Honey Bunches of Oats Greek. With Greek Yogurt clusters.

Because the one thing I’ve always felt was lacking in my breakfast cereal enjoyment was sourness.*

Up till now, the only way I could have that ay-em taste sensation was to use spoiled milk.

And o lucky day, I also get to pay about 25% more for the sour-milk tasting cereal.**

Your product development team is brilliant; I can’t wait for their next cereal experiment. ***

  Waiting in rapt anticipation for Honey Bunches of Oats Curry and Honey Bunches of Oats Wasabi,

Me.

*this is sarcasm

**so is this

***this, too

[aprileverymonth]

Dear People Who Post Pictures of Cool Places and Cool Stuff On Facebook But Don’t Provide Any Info About Them:

1/30/13

WTF?!

You obviously got said picture of said cool place or cool stuff somewhere online, and wherever you got it from, I bet there was some kind of blurb or link to more information. Why should I have to spend a half hour Googling when you could’ve just included a bit more detail in your description than, “Cool!” or “Beautiful!”

If you’re going to “Share”, SHARE!!

Luv,

The Entire Facebook-using Populace

[aprileverymonth]

Dear Motley Fool:

1/29/13

I don’t need to order your Special Report or watch your 20-minutes-plus video to know Google and Amazon are going to be the key players in the rapidly unfolding cloud computing war, and that these are wise stock investments.

The next time I’ve got $800 – $1200 lying around and no rent to pay or food to buy, I’ll be sure to get one share.

And I mean one share of either Google or Amazon, because $1200 isn’t enough to buy one share of both. It's barely enough to buy one share of Google

Watching the rich get richer, Me.

[aprileverymonth]

Dear Websites That Immediately Launch Video Clips With Audio At Full Volume When The Page Loads:

1/20/13

It’s rude to turn on a blaring video when someone’s trying to read, and it’s no less rude on the internet than it is in my living room.

At least in my living room, I don’t have to search all over the place to find the TV before I can turn it off.

If you want to ensure nobody ever visits your site a second time, you’re going about it the right way. Stop it. Now.

Luv, The Entire Internet-Using Populace