four posts later, weâre getting into new year again.
the date is 31st of december and in less than an hour weâll hopping into the new decade--yet (thereâs a debate whether new decade starts with a year ended with 1 or 0).
this year, not surprisingly, has gone in a blink. not so fun, yet brought me to get to know myself more.
i broke up in the first week of february. (but probably only few people knew (that i had a bf and broke up months later lol âcos i never made it into public). i was fine, though, after this one.
a nearly depression due to work environment and an extreme career change were the crazy ones. i resigned twice from companies. the first one was from my very first company iâve worked in for two years. i left it âcos i craved for new challenges (what a hypocrite cliche phrase to say, right?) that i no longer found and moved into the second company.
too bad, the challenges were too âhighâ for my smol mental, making me fall into my deepest point of career life. i left the second company without any reassurance--turning me into a jobless person. i then pursued a career in line with a job i dreamed for so long, but, God is the best director, hence a career change happened.
iâm happy here with the workload and environment, though. but i guess i have to bury my previous dream job, eh? weâll see next year.
these journey then led me to open up about a layer of myself; a point where i find being alone all by self on weekends is what i desire the most. hence, for some weeks of this year were spent well between myself and i.
iâm sensing my 2020 will be more stagnant--a happy one, i hope. i have few plans next year, which i hope will be reached and went well.
one of my closest friends told me to be ready wailing every single day for a whole week before the day comes. i just laughed.
itâs until two months ago that i considered my amusement wasnât fun no more. i thought the term âquarter life crisisâ was just a made-up concept of issue people created to scare the hell out of average people like me. i assumed i wouldnât hit rock bottom in this life phase, with a very cheap issue that even my close friends labelled as âoverreactingâ.
it was one of my other close friends that awaken me that i am having a quarter life crisis. had she not spoken up about the same thing she experienced last year, i wouldnât be able to get back and accept what i am going through. it still frustrates me that iâm experiencing a quarter life crisis from this point of view. but then i thought, oh well, maybe God loves me so much that He is âeducatingâ me from this way.Â
i guess iâm selfish enough by choosing to get through this phase all by myself. for as much as i think, the older we get, the wiser and better we are to solve the shits weâre dealing with ourselves. shouldnât we?
i still donât know when this phase will pass, but, letâs just crush it. âcause this too shall pass.
in the last quarter of 2019, i shifted my career path.
itâs something i really love to do since high school but also the thing i promised myself upon graduating from uni not to choose in working life. but here i am, sitting in front of my laptop, pouring my thoughts in the midst of the workload i have to complete for next deadlines.
i am not regretting it yet (and hopefully this will never happen), but it still puzzles me how i ended up in this position. never once i ever thought that i could do a thing i love and a job i once wished in high school at the same time. Godâs plans is always extraordinary. the work stressed me out, sometimes, but iâm still enjoying it so far. let alone, its my own choice in the end.
but the thought of pursuing my âambitionâ still rushed in my head, occasionally. i donât know itâs a true reminder, or just an ego need to be fed.
to conclude, if youâre wondering why did i change my accountâs name: the answer is above.
here am i welcoming my professional writer experience:
**this post was written two years ago, just months after i joined working life, re-read last year and today then edited and posted now.**
âdonât be picky about guys!â
apparently, someone just spat those words to me few weeks ago. then it provoke my tiny brain to write about this thing.
i recall that some years ago, a friend from high schoolâwhom i think (according to my self-centered radar) had a crush on meâonce said, though jokingly, âright! thatâs why (you havenât got a man). thatâs because youâre being too picky. donât be picky if you want one.â
thatâs not exactly his words, i know i overdo it. but, that was the gist. i didnât say anything to him at that moment. i just replied with a lot of âhaâ being repeated for i took it as a joke.
yet now, at the age of 22; where most girls start to be very serious about finding their future lifetime partners, i canât really digest that comment just like i did years ago.
a he was showing me a picture of some mostly naked guys who had just been arrested during their private party. i didnât want to look at it because i just do not want to. then my tongue slipped; forming a sound something like, ânow women compete with men to get a manâs attention,â which later i regret because it seems so wrong to my ears. (i know my mouth works faster than my brain, yeah).
however, what surprised me was the response. that he said something like, âthat is why you should not be picky about guys.â i kept silent for a moment, then two or three seconds later my brain yelp. i thought, really? shall i not really pick the best version of a man for my future partner? shall i just pick anyone, like, really anyone? then am i too picky? that picky? really?
let's narrow the terms âpickâ and âguysâ into future husband; because weâre talking about the gonna-be-man-a-girl-wants-to. days later i told this to my closest friends. i asked them what are they gonna say had someone say those words to them, and their responses were various yet ended in one agreement.
the first one commented, âit is important to choose a man.â she thinks that by choosing the right man for our future life partner, we do care about ourselves; our life and our future. the way we choose a man shows how far we are being serious about our own future.
the second one added that one should not say that to other people, because they do not know what we have been through to be this âpickyâ. âthey have no right to judge us like that,â was what she said through her whatsapp.
the third one said if someone dare enough to say that to her face, she would protest. she clearly said that, âeveryone has a choice to choose whom she wants to be with.â she also added that, âwomen get the privilege to choose. we got confession from a man before we start a relationship, then we got proposed by them. and here we have the choice to accept or reject him. this shows that women get to choose.â
the fourth one, even in ugh-i-am-so-done-with-you-tone said that, âeven fruits at markets are being picked, then how could husband not?â she added that there was one time she discussed about choosing a man with her laoshi, and the latter said that ancient peopleâs advise about germ, rank and quality (bibit, bebet, & bobot) is not always about a family generation problem. her teacher argued that parenting skill he got, way of thinking he has and way of interacting he done are indeed things come from a family. yet, his circle and his way of spending money are things outside family learning that we should look over to determine what kind of family we want to build. in her own perspective, she added that men ought to have principles; for if you donât stand for something, you will fall for everything. âbecause, in the end, even we have to discuss for something in our marriage, heâs the one who makes the decision. as a head of a family, the reins is on him,â she argued thru our whatsapp convo in a 7 am in the morning. one respected man-friend of mineâmore than onceâalso said, men can point at any women he wanna be with, but in the end, itâs the woman who chooses which man she wanna be with.
i should say that i extremely agree their thoughts. i mean, i know what kind of person i am and what kind of person i really need in my life. i have been through a lot of issues along my twenty-years of life, and i donât wish to face them again later; thus i am imagining some particular types of person to help me overcome it. i did not aimlessly not choose a guy. there was always a reason behind it. example; i do not like cigarettesâ smoke, then i do not wish to contribute my lungs into any internist doctorsâ hands. thus i try my best to avoid smokers. i need a man who can engage me to the better version of me (and himself too), thus a not-so-serious-slash-too-much-nonsense-talking-or-wooing-dude is off of my list. two things above are just a little wise part of caring myself and my own future.
forever is a long time, and choosing someone to spend that time with you is really matters. even God allows and helps us to choose thru some âtalkingâ session with Him, then why should i just pick anyone without consideration?
the year was 2018, and it has ended more than twenty times two minutes ago.
the year has gone past like a tornado at dufan. i feel like it was only some time ago that i was sitting on one of starbucksâ branches to apply a new job. i feel like it was only a month ago that i was nervously excited for the interview sessions. i feel like it was only weeks ago that i âlostâ my friend at office then i started to sprint. i feel like it was only yesterday that i got rejected, slapped and woken up by reality. i feel like getting into two year experience on one job is still far away. i feel like iâm a 23 year old still.
but here we are, almost an hour living in the new year.
i donât do resolutions because i know iâm a peasant and theyâll just gonna be my âwishy washyâ, hence, iâll just gonna try to embrace 2019 with a small expectations yet bigger efforts.
2018 was a trial and error year for me; a year of sharpening. a year of a so-so experience. a year of finding and learning. a year of life crisis. a year of void. a year wasted. a crouched year. a minimalist year. yet 2018 was also a year of gaining something new in other department. a year of knowing and acquainting. a year of discussions and speak ups. a year of being true and telling truth. a year of being accepted and accepting. a year of opening. a year of planning. a year of sincerity.
on the last day of 2018 i saw a friendâs instagram post of her being rejected by seven universities for her master degree, yet got her dreamed job. i also got a story about an acquaintâs accomplishment of something i once chased and dreamed back in last yearâs last year. 2018 was funny and peculiar, indeed. but letâs just let her go... then work and love harder for the new year journey.
when i learnt from anni that tumblr can be accessed for good (yas without an extra vpn or particular browser application), i tout de suite jumped into my own page and re-read all my preview posts.
oh how i missed this platform so much!!!!
eleven months and five days ago was my latest post here. it was hella long time breakâboth visiting tumblr and writing shitty stuffs. as my friends and i currently challenging ourselves to write some stuffs, i think i want to share some of them here; for i thought they need some recognition (of my future self, where i can re-read them years later while appreciating myself).
2018 is going to change in some days... and my sole new yearâs resolution is: the one (and only thing topic) i posted earlier this year. ah, i may add one thing: getting back to write!
disclaimer: this is not a book review post. and it's gonna be oh so angsty.
i spent my whole 2017 with this bookâeither waiting for new chapters or an update for publishing.
i still remember why i instantly fell in love with this story. itâs terribly funny. and entertaining. and on point. i found resign! around late december 2016 when i was going through chick-lit tag. i swear to God this is the closest and most suitable story to âchick-litâ under the chick-lit tag on wattpad indonesia (yes because i set my reading preference to bahasa indonesia), for chick-lit is a story about a heroine, in a form of narratives, about things revolves in her life such as work, men, and problems*. and that what resign! actually is.
i was a fresh graduate seeking for a job at that time; and found such remarkable story about an office life is like an early life lesson for me. the satire humor spread around here and there made my laugh unstoppable and my stomach cramp. all of them reminded me to my most favorite-and-currently-a-phd-candidate-lecturer at university; meaning that the author must have been an ingenious person. and, yep, she is a master alumna!
anyway, when i jumped into resign! it only had 18 chapters; and was just getting into the rising action. for iâm the one-sitting type of reader, i finished it in one go. unlucky me, i seemed to have been attached into this story. hence, i did check wattpad every now and then. i would scream inside myself had i saw an update notification about it from wattpad. i remember it was around april that the author informed us that resign! was going to be published into a book! i, of course, couldnât bear my excitement. i told the whole world about the novel, in hope that anyone would get interested (and yes, i successfully feed 6 friends of mine to read and love this novel!). however, as i became a cungpret**, months passed and the author became busier with her work, new chapters came rarely. thus, i spent my rest of 2017 waiting for any updates from resign!
it was around september 2017 that the author announced the book finally is going to be published. 18 december 2017 was the pre-order dayâand i canât concentrate working until i have safely sent the order form to the bookstoreâthen 19 january 2018 was the time the book came into my hand.
there was a mixed feeling when i saw the yellow thing in front of me. i donât know was it because i just nearly finished laut bercerita*** or that finally i could see the end of rara, tigran and the cungpretâs journey. the book was supposed to be extremely fun and made my cheek hurt from laughing. yet what i experienced was a small smile and slow heartbeats. i have had memorized all sentences out of my head (i re-read it for six times during the waiting), so, reading them again in a printed version gave me a melancholy feeling, i guess. when i reached the jawaban chapter, i cried a little. yes, dude, i cried because finally i knew! finally i see the closure!!!!!!! the happiness is similar to when my thesis proposal was being accepted and i could go to the final test.
now that i have finished reading the book (and read it again for the second time), i feel sad. the feeling is mutual to when i was leaving my boarding houseâthat i have lived for three years. the quiet sensation inside my bedroom made me realize that i have arrived at the end of the cungpretâs journey. it hits me really hard that i am no longer need to wait rara or tigran or the cungpret in my life. i donât need to guess what is going to happen in the next chapter... because no chapters are left. nothing is new. no scenes need to be written down.
all the waiting and efforts finally came into an end.
âaku pikir aku akan sangat bahagia kalau [bisa tahu akhir kisah] resign!, tapi nyatanya tidak sama sekali!â (p.262).
in the end of this oh-so-angsty entry, i just want to thank kak almira for writing and sharing her work to us; to wattpad reader, to the world. thank you for teaching me that âthe cungpretâ and âbos kejam macam tigranâ indeed exist in this world; that working here or there is more or less a same thing (there is an irksome colleague, bad boss, unhealthy working environment) and that we should just need to be thankful for it; and that good men are for good womenâso are genius men! :p
alranita, tigran, carlo, mbak karen, mas andre, (and even sandra) might have closed their journey but they are going to continue living inside my heart. kudos!
-
footnotes:
*adapted from here.
**cungpret: abbreviation from kacung kampret (employee in general).
***laut bercerita is a new fictional novel by leila s. chudori.
there are so many loved parts in the book that iâm afraid i might yellow-highlighted all the words in the book, buttttttttttttt, let me show you some of my favorite parts here! (p.s. it might be added later)Â
rara vs tigran is the greatest thing in the world! rara is my role model!
sayup-sayup terdengar suara pembawa acara memberikan instruksi agar para lajang berbaris di depan pelaminan karena buket pengantin akan segera dilempar.
âkamu ambil gih.â tigran menggerakkan kepalanya ke arah pelaminan.
âsaya?â aku balik bertanya.
[...]
ângambil bunga?â aku bertanya lagi.
âiya. masa ambil air di sumur sih, ra? yang benar saja kamu!â kata tigran tidak habis pikir.
âbuat apa saya ngambil bunga begituan?â aku sudah tidak bisa menahan nada ketusku.
âkamu single kan? ya sudah sana ambil!â
âya bapak saja. memang bapak nggak single?â (p.22-3)
 mbak karen vs carlo is the best thing! mbak karen is junjunganquuu!
âanak zaman sekarang nggak kayak zaman lo dulu, kar. apalagi si sandra kaya. lo dulu mau ngajak jalan saja, sepatu nggak mampu beli,â ledek carlo dengan wajah sok prihatin.    Â
mbak karen menanggapinya dengan tertawa. âtapi kan sekarang gue bisa beli. daripada lo, dari dulu sampai sekarang bingung kan mau beli apa buat memperbaiki kejiwaan?â (p.135-6)Â
lebaran sudah tiba. dan, biasanya, gue menuliskan kisah-kisah lebaranâyang sesungguhnya tidak pernah menemui kata âselesaiâ dan dipublikasikanâdalam jebakan kemacetan jalan tol atau pun jalur pantura. tapi, kali ini, ada yang berbeda.
seorang sahaby--sahabat versi unyu--gue pernah berceletuk bahwa buat dia, 2017 is the new start; both for love and life. gue harus mengamini ucapannya karena, ya, 2017 is indeed a new start for me, too.
letâs skip love because weâre not gonna talk about it here.
di trimester pertama, alhamdulillah, gue diberi rezeki berupa pekerjaan. hal ini membuat ritme kehidupan gue berubah secara tiba-tiba. dari yang sehari-harinya cuma hapean-main-medsos-baca-novel-makan-leyehleyeh-mandi-main-medsos-lagi-dan-ulangi menjadi: mandi-ngantor-curi-waktu-buat-hapean-kerja-lagi-pulang-sudah-tidak-ada-matahari-mandi-tidur. begitu terus sampai badan gue sudah kebal sama yang namanya capek.
berada di fase baru sebagai cungpret kantoran tidak sekadar mengubah ritme kehidupan dan kemampuan mengatur keuangan gue, tapi juga membawa gue kembali ke realita. (kalau mengutip kata ketua kelas jaman kuliah gue dulu--yang dengan curangnya lulus duluan setahun lebih awal, âudah kerja mah nggak enak. you have responsibilites. you have to pay tax, and blah-blah-blah.â) menjadi budak korporat bikin gue lelah bersosialisasi di dunia maya, hingga akhirnya gue memutuskan untuk hengkang dari dunia perinstagraman; pun dengan memikul tamparan realita seorang diri.
nggak ada frasa cuti bersama di tempat gue bekerja. ini artinya, gue sudah masuk kerja di tanggal 3 syawal. biasanya, atau semenjak empat tahun ke belakang, tanggal segitu gue sedang kumpul dengan keluarga nyokap entah di jawa tengah atau jawa timur. tapi kali ini gue harus melewati bulan syawal di kantor bersama ratusan cungpret lain yang nggak kebagian cuti*, sementara orang tua dan kedua adik gue akan mudik ke purwodadi di hari kedua lebaran.
ya, setidaknya begitu rencananya sampai kamis siang.
teman-teman dekat yang tahu nasib kurang beruntung gue, berlomba-lomba mengucapkan bela sungkawa; karena gue harus melewati awal syawal sendirian di rumah. mulanya gue sih kalem aja. gue nggak terganggu sama sekali sama fakta itu karena, toh, walaupun bakal sendirian di rumah (lagi), hari pertama lebaran gue tetap merayakan bareng orang tua dan adik-adik gue.
tapi, lama kelamaan, gue semakin gusar dan bersedih. sampai-sampai, kamis malam (22 juni 2017), sewaktu gue pulang kantor dan tiba di stasiun bekasi selepas adzan magrib dan melihat pengendara motor dengan kardus-kardus di ekor jok berbondong-bondong jalan bareng menuju pantura, gue menangis. iya, gue sereceh itu ternyata. gue nangis sedikit di atas gojek karena merasa sedih untuk pertama kalinya nggak jadi bagian dari para pemudik. gue sedih karena untuk pertama kalinya nggak ikutan terjebak macet di cipali atau pun pantura. dan gue sedih karena gue bakal ditinggal mudik oleh keluarga gue.
tapi, ya, mungkin karena Allah sayang banget sama gue sampai nggak tega gue ditinggalin di bulan seindah syawal, sesampai gue di rumah, nyokap ngabarin mereka nggak jadi ke purwodadi karena eyang gue justru mudik ke tempat besannya di madiun.
gue rasanya mau salto sekaligus kayang sambil makan kacang.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
satu perbedaan lagi di ramadhan tahun ini adalah kurangnya usaha dan waktu gue untuk beribadah. gue semacam mengalami degradasi keimanan besar-besaran di bulan suci ini. kalau kata anni, sih, mungkin karena gue ada di fase baru kehidupan. ya, ya, ya, terus aja cari pembelaan, ling.
lebaran tahun ini menjadi lebaran pertama untuk gue dan keluarga inti gue nggak pulang ke jawa dan... kebingungan mau liburan ke mana. (kembali, kantor gue tidak mengenal istilah cuti bersama. jadinya kami kalang kabut mau ke pantai mana yang makan waktu kurang dari dua hari. heh.)
anyway, iâd like to say minal aidin wal faidzin buat semuanya! semoga segala ibadah yang telah setiap masing-masing dari kita lakukan dapat membawa kita ke tingkat keimanan yang lebih baik. semoga segala macam ibadah dan kebaikan yang dikejar-kejar selama bulan ramadhan tidak berhenti ketika syawal datang. aamiin.
satu lagi, kawan, jangan lupa memaafkan. sebab, memberi maaf bukan berarti mengalah, tapi, memupuk pahala untuk diri sendiri. hihihihi. ini kata Allah**, loh. jadi, maafkanlah orang lain tanpa menunggu dia datang untuk meminta.
ya, ya, gue pun sedang mencoba menerapkan hal di atas untuk diri gue sendiri.
sekali lagi, selamat merengkuh lebaran! semoga masih dapat bertemu ramadhan tahun depan! semoga tahun depan gue sudah punya pasangan! aamiinkan!!!
kiss & hug,
a l i n g.
.
footnote:
*cuti berlaku hanya bagi karyawan tetap, dan setiap tim hanya boleh ada satu orang yang cuti.
**Rasulullah SAW pernah berkata, âjika rasa marah telah menyusahkanmu, maka hilangkanlah dengan memberi maaf. sesungguhnya pada hari kiamat nanti akan ada suara yang memanggil; âberdirilah siapa yang memiliki pahala di sisi Allah!â tidak ada seorang pun yang berdiri, kecuali orang-orang pemaaf. tidakkah kamu mendengar firman Allah SWT, yang berbunyi, âsiapa yang memaafkan dan memperbaiki hubungannya, maka pahala baginya di sisi Allah.ââ (Aâlamuddin hal. 337) [sumber].
âIbarat kita berjalan di tepi jurang di kegelapan malam, maka kita akan berhati-hati agar tidak terjatuh.â Itulah taqwa. Taqwa ialah hidup berhati-hati.
âdengan membaca kamu akan tau bahwa ada banyak hal yang kamu tidak tau.â
kalimat di atas diucapkan oleh salah satu dosen gue ketika gue duduk di semester satu. pertama kali denger kalimat itu gue agak terkesiap, dan nggak paham. kemudian, di kali ke dua gue mengerti dan mengamini, sampai sekarang.
membaca novel adalah kegemaran gue sejak kelas satu smp. yang perlu digarisbawahi di sini adalah: membaca novel. fiksi. romansa. ketiga kata ini menjadi kunci bagi gue dalam menentukan apa yang mau gue baca. sehingga, jenis buku-buku yang gue bacaâjelas di luar buku pelajaranâ98% adalah novel cinta-cintaan.
semenjak sma, gue mulai mengenal tulisan-tulisan fiksi dalam bentuk digital; yakni berupa fanfiksi. selama hampir empat tahun, gue hanya membaca tulisan-tulisan seperti itu. kemudian, di pertengahan tahun kemarin, gue dikenalkan oleh sahabat gue dengan platform menulis lain, yaitu wattpad.
seperti ucapan dosen gue di atas, setelah lebih banyak membaca, gue sadar bahwa ada begitu banyak hal yang nggak gue tau di dunia ini. kembali mengutip beliau, membaca membuat gue sadar bahwa ignorance is not a bliss. dan gue kembali membenarkan pendapat tersebut. semakin banyak membaca gue seolah terus membuka lapisan-lapisan kelopak mata gue yang sepertinya selama ini masih aja tertutup.
selain mata, pikiran gue juga makin terbuka tiap sedang maupun selesai membaca sebuah karyaâwalaupun karya-karya yang gue baca sejauh ini kebanyakan karya romansa. gue seolah bisa melihat sesuatu dari sudut pandang lain; yang pada akhirnya membuat gue berpikir dan mengambil hal-hal positif untuk dijadikan pelajaran di kemudian hari.
sesudah membuka mata dan pikiran, membaca juga; seperti yang gue diskusikan dengan anya, adalah media untuk introspeksi diri. seperti yang sedang gue lakukan sekarang.
adalah seorang penulis wattpad yang berhasil membuat gue menelurkan tulisan ini.
pramyths menulis kisah saras dan leo. ceritanya mereka pacaran jarak jauh, indonesia-amerika, karena leo ngambil s2 di sana. cerita ini dikisahkan dari sudut pandang seorang saras. saras ini orangnya gigih banget. dia bisa mati-matian memperjuangkan hal yang amat sangat dia sukai, tapi di sisi lain dia sungguh sangat amat malas-malasan mengerjakan hal yang tidak sejalan dengan hatinya. saras ini orangnya menggebu-gebu tapi juga pengecut. dia sering banget berspekulasi dengan pikirannya sendiri; tentang hal-hal di sekitar atau pun yang berkaitan dengan dia, lantas berkonlusi sendiri, tanpa mencoba berdiskusi terlebih dahulu. akibatnya sering salah paham, terutama dengan leo. saras ini juga kepala batu banget. tiap dinasehatin sama panjiâsahabatnyaâatau pun leo, dia pasti, pasti, pasti aja punya pembelaan. padahal dia jelas salah. tapi saras ini cerdas. dia selalu bisa memanfaatkan (bukan konotasi) keadaan dan berusaha semaksimal mungkin untuk meraih mimpi-mimpi dia. sampai-sampai dia dapet beasiswa di yale.
membaca isi pikiran saras membuat gue terenyak karena semakin jauh melihat isi kepala saras, gue seperti sedang melihat isi kepala gue sendiri. hobi, sifat, dan sikap saras hampir-hampir mirip dengan gue. atau sebaliknya.
realita mulai menyadarkan gue bahwa gue adalah saras ialah ketika saras minta putus dari leo dan leo ngelepasin dia gitu aja. gue merasa senasib dengan saras ketika dengan mudahnya leo mengiyakan permintaan saras tanpa terlihat melakukan usaha apa pun untuk mempertahankan saras, meski mereka udah dua tahun pacaran. di titik ini gue merasa pingin meluk saras dan puk-pukin pundaknya. seperti saras, gue sedih tapi nggak bisa nangis. entah karena airmata gue udah abis atau karena gue baca momen itu dalam perjalanan pulang di kereta commuter line.
kisah gue mungkin nggak seintim saras dan leo, tapi kurang lebih mendekati.
hati gue semakin tertohok waktu baca bagian leo datang ke rumah saras buat membela diri, menjelaskan segala kesalahpahaman, dan mengajak saras balikan. di sana leo bilang kalau dia ngerasa bego karena udah bersikap nggak tegas; karena udah bikin saras nebak-nebak dan, akhirnya, sampai mengambil keputusan sendiri. membaca bagian ini gue seolah merasa (atau justru berharap?) mendapatkan penjelasan seperti ini dari seseorang. atau bila ditulis dalam kalimat lain, leo seperti sedang membantu seseorang untuk membela dirinya di muka gue. lalu saras bilang nggak cuma leo yang bego, tapi dia juga, karena dia termakan sama pikiran-pikiran dia sendiri. begitu pun gue, yang termakan oleh emosi sendiri.
âaku mau membela diri, saras. waktu itu kamu bilang aku nggak pernah cinta kamu. aku heran kenapa kamu bisa ambil kesimpulan itu. enak saja. kamu pikir sejauh ini, aku berusaha keras menyelesaikan tesis biar bisa segera kembali ke sini, itu untuk siapa? [âŠ]â
kata-kata leo di atas menampar gue. tiba-tiba gue sadar bahwa mungkin aja semua kediaman yang seseorang lakukan untuk gue karena dia benar-benar punya perasaan ke gue. dia cuma banyak diam buat menjaga perasaan gue, dan mungkin, mungkin aja, sedang menyusun sesuatu buat gue. semoga ini bukan kesombongan dan kepercayaan diri kelewat batas gue semata. sementara gue, selama ini sibuk menyalah-nyalahkan dia, yang udah kayak kerupuk kena siram kuah soto. mungkin dia begitu, seperti kata leo, karena dia begitu adanya.
semakin banyak leo bicara, semakin banyak saras tahu bahwa dia terlalu menggebu-gebu memutuskan hubungan dengan leo. pun dia sadar bahwa boleh jadi leo adalah pihak yang paling tersakiti karena ulah dia. sadarnya saras dengan fakta ini membuat gue juga tersadar bahwa boleh jadi gue sudah melakukan hal yang setimpal seperti yang saras lakukan ke leo pada seseorang. dan gue benar-benar menyesal setengah mati.
penyesalan gue bukan lagi berputar di soal hubungan yang kandas, tapi lebih ke perilaku gue ke dia. gue baru sadar kalau gue sebegitu kejam pada orang yang selama ini gue hardik dengan kata-kata seperti brengsek, sialan, dan kawan-kawannya. ternyata gue yang seperti itu.
energi dan kepercayaan diri gue seperti terserap sehabis-habisnya ketika gue membaca kalimat saras di bawah ini:
gue kembali tersadar bahwa gue pun salah. bahwa kegagalan yang berulang ini bukan hanya karena dia nggak mampu mempertahankan gue, tapi gue dan dia sama-sama nggak mampu menopang satu sama lain. sederhananya, gue dan dia bahkan nggak mampu berkomunikasi dengan baik. maka jelas aja gagal terus.
pramyths menyadarkan gue bahwa gue nggak boleh jumawa dan merasa apa-apa terpusat di gue. gue tidak boleh merasa bahwa gue adalah pihak yang (selalu) benar dan oposisi gue salah. penulis saras dan leo ini menyadarkan gue bahwa gue harus bisa melihat sesuatu dari sisi lain, kemudian mencoba memahami, dan pada akhirnya memaklumi.
melalui always gue menyadari semua hal ini. dan melalui tulisan ini, semoga seseorang tau bahwa gue sangat amat menyesal telah bersikap tidak sopan dan tidak tau diri di akhir cerita. permintaan maaf akan gue sampaikan secara personal nanti.
seorang dosen gue yang lain pernah bilang bahwa menulis adalah salah satu bentuk terapi. gue pun meyakini, dan selama ini menerapkan, bahwa menulis bisa membantu gue melepaskan kegelisahan yang tertahan di hati. dan inilah tujuan utama dari sepotong tulisan ini.
semoga tulisan ini dapat membuka mata atau pikiran pembacanya; meski hanya satu orang.
terima kasih untuk segalanya.
akhirnya perjuangan melepaskan telah mendekati titik akhir.
