I realized today that I'd been the largest source of income
I realized today that I kept her dream afloat
But she'd cut out her tongue before thanking me
She let people into our home that broke my heart
But forbade my family to visit
A dozen people marched in every Sunday to hold court for her
But my best friend couldn't sleep on the couch
I called my father crying
I knew it was bad when he asked
"Do you need us to come get you?"
I'm now the age she was when we lived under the same roof
At my age she had three children
And was financially dependent on me, a 24 year old
I still remember the sound of her feet slamming into the ground as she thundered into the kitchen
Face red and finger pointing
And the girl ten years her junior
The girl financing the whole damned circus
Curled up into a tiny ball in the farthest corner of the tiny bathroom in the smallest bedroom in the house and tried to cry quietly
I still remember how she lounged on the bed and told me
"Your business is going to fail and I'm going to laugh"
I still remember her finger in my face
"You're a selfish two year old and that's why people leave you"
I'm going to my first kink event in eight years next week
I'm scared out of my wits