The Archive of Us

Real conversations. Real Stories. Real Archive of Lost Love.                             Also, I'm new here.

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Pause

Obviously, because nobody is reading this, I’ve paused activities. I’m happy to resume if, like, 5 people ever care. 

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Pining

We were “just friends” but every night, no matter what, she’d invite me over. And, I’d always go. 

Even when I annoyed her. Even when I was actively flirting with some in front of her (that’s the context here; drunk flirting in the library with a guy she had tried to date a month or two before). She wanted me near her. It gave me butterflies like I’d never felt. She was the first one who ever really made me feel deep/distracting want, and love, and hope for a future together.

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The “One” That Wasn’t

So, I dug out my old blackberry today. It can still power up when plugged in! It’s impossible to take screen shots from there and a picture of it would actually be identifying to anyone who knew me back then. So, here’s a typed transcript. Scouts honor, it’s real. I will have to do more from here because it’s a real treasure trove (and most of college). I think she still had a razr at this time. Her (2:23am): Why cant you just get over her Her (2:23am): here* Her (2:25am): Also, I’m drunljk Me (7:10am): I can get over her... if you want me over there? Her (8:56pm): Sry I was drunk. I shouldnt have sad those things. Me (8:57pm): oh... Her (10:21pm): tht mean you didnt mind? Me (10:22pm): Not even a little. Can I come over tonight? It all really started when we got drunk on cheap wine at my roommate’s art show. Not that we hadn’t been sharing a bed for weeks, napping together, me playing with her waistband, her pressing her chest into mine; just friends. We dated for half a decade. We’ve been apart longer than that now. We’ve both moved on. But, sometimes when I wake up, I still think it’s her holding me; it’s just muscle memory, I always swear. I still have the ring she gave me. It’s hiding in plain sight. Like it’s just any other ring in my jewelry box and not something that should have been important. 

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The boy who understood me

I met him at school. He and I would laugh for hours at the same stupid things. He was my platonic soulmate. He always knew exactly what I was thinking and I him. We both lost our long-term girlfriends at the same time. We comforted each other. He would work me like she would, and I’d do the same for him in return. Then we would get high and listen to records and stare at the stars.  I never felt anything romantic for him. He never felt anything romantic for me. We were just platonic soulmates with benefits. There’s a hole in my life now that we live so far apart. Like looking in the mirror and not having a reflection. 

We still talk, but very rarely and mostly when new music comes out that we know the other will love. He’ll be in my wedding party when I get married. And my grandmother’s antique nightstand will always have a ring on it from where he left his cold glass the last night we were together. 

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Girl from the party (pt. 3)

I honestly tried. I did all of the right things. I fell in love. I sent her flowers. I crossed state lines and surprised her at her door. But I wasn’t made for it. We were too far apart. The world wasn’t made for us. Or at least I was afraid that it wasn’t made for us. 

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The girl from the party (pt. 2)

We dated for almost a year. I didn’t want her to be a rebound, but thats the space she kind of occupies now. Our banter felt witty, even when it wasn’t. She made me feel like the most important person she’d ever known. 

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The only girl on Tinder

I was in a small town. She was my first female Tinder match (and one of only a few ever; there were only ~5 girls on there in a 50 mile radius). She wasn’t very smart, but was hot. She reminded me of my ex’s roommate, who I thought about (too much). We kept trying to meet up, but it was a chaotic time. One of us was always drunk and our phone batteries were always dying. Here is the first time we tried to meet up, right before I drove an hour but never found her. The same happened to her the following Saturday. 

We talked for months, but nothing at all ever came of it.

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The girl from the party

I met her at a party in another town. She was smarter than I. It felt intoxicating. This is somewhere in the middle of it all, but I think you can tell where it’s heading.

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The girl from class

She was just a girl in my class. She had so much to say during discussion. Her newness was intriguing. She let me kiss her even though we were both taken. I let her push me up against the wall, knowing what it meant. I broke up with my girl of three years that summer. Still, we fizzled out before the weather turned cold. We’d still go out to eat sometimes after that, but she’d never let me walk her to her car. Eventually, she married *him*. They’re divorced now. She still messages me sometimes, for no apparent reason; always opening with “hey beautiful” and never responding more than twice after.