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@ardencanning-blog
āI donāt usually get messed up but I do play Mario Kart sometimes. Though, I donāt think Iām very good at it..ā
āBut getting messed up is the best part. A little practice makes perfect, unless youāre one of the people who go backwards around the whole track, then youāre just screwed.ā
āAw mate, donāt worry about it.Ā āAppens to me all the time. Almost uppercupped a toddler once. Didnāt though,Ā ācos thatās tight anā all.āĀ
āThe more you talk the more I want to leave a permanent imprint of my hand on your cheek. The fact that you literally just told me you almost hurt a toddler....ā
āItās freezing cold today! The sun has lied to me and I have in no way equipped my wardrobe appropriately.ā
āHope you like windburn sucker. Think of it this way though, youāll get a nice blush tone to your entire face and get natural windswept hair oh and canāt forget the massive amounts of tears in your eyes.ā
āApparently Kendall and Kylie are fightinā over me - again. ToldĀ āem enough times, thereās plenty of The Pussy Master to go around. Think theyād get it by now. Donāt understand birds these days.ā
āI almost just hit you. I almost lost control and just hit you.ā
āI am-oh man I am so embarrassed, but uh-thanks. Iād like to think Iād make a hot guy. Maybe like an Alex Pettyfer type you know? So manicures and an eyebrow pluck? Am I like blessed or what? Literally my door is always open for Tinder pranks and makeover things, here Iāll give you my number.ā
āDonāt be embarrassed, embrace it like your inner fuckboy. Youād be an Alex Pettyfer looking guy for sure, no doubt about it. Yeah, clearly the Gods are smiling down on you with all things beauty related. I donāt know if you want to do that, I will literally be at your door every day. Youāre number? Wow, I am flattered.ā
āI am totally not getting my tacos from you, man; but just think about it for a second: the dude has 45 dollars to spare! How much more money could he possible have?! Damn, I would be buying a twenty-five dollar bottle of olive oil if I had that kind of money! ā If youāre nice to me and call meĀ āmy lord,ā I might even buy you a twenty-five-dollar bottle of olive oil.ā
āAnd why not? Whatās wrong with my tacos exactly? I mean, you have a point, I never thought of it like that. He probably has at least three hundo in his back pocket. Woah there money bags, a twenty five dollar bottle of olive oil? Thatās a big commitment, I mean, if in another world I was nice to you and called you lord. Buying olive oil for someone is a big deal, thatās one step away from moving in basically and I donāt even know your name yet. Slow down there sparky.ā
āI know, I do deserve all of those after a hundred curls.ā Jackson nodded his head.Ā āI have never been a woman. So, no offense taken.ā Jackson smiled at the silly girl.Ā āThough thereās nothing wrong with being a woman and then becoming a man.ā
āHey! I just wanted to make sure okay? You never know and I want to make sure Iām as inclusive as possible to anyone and everyone. Anyway, yeah, after all fou- I mean a hundred curls you should really get yourself some food. My I suggest the tiny taco shack two blocks from her? I may be biased but theyāre pretty damn great.ā
Babyās First Blackout || Teagan & Arden
Teagan was no stranger to bars, and letting loose, but when she met Ardenā¦she had a feeling the girlās version of letting loose was much different than hers. Oh well, she did kind of ask for it. And after the day sheād had, it honestly didnāt really matter. The shaking slowed as she changed from work clothes into something more comfortable, and by the time she reached the bar, it was completely gone. Confidence rose opened the door, and Arden wasnāt hard to findā¦right at the bar waiting for her. She walked over and took the stool next to her, and picked up the shot in front of her.Ā āFor me?ā She didnāt wait for an answer as she downed it, calmed as it burned down her throat.Ā āI hope I didnāt keep you waiting long.ā
Sheād be lying if she said she was glad Teagan got there in time to have her shot, it was looking really good.Ā āOh no, not long at all. Although, I have to say if you were one minute later that shot would have been in my belly.ā Arden didnāt know why the girl needed a night out and she wasnāt going to ask. Ā Typically the girl wasnāt the kind to pry, if someone wanted to talk to her then she would listen but she wasnāt going to make someone talk.Ā āOkay, so the shot you just had? Thatās going to be the only shot that comes from our own pocket got it?ā A smirk spread on her lips as she faced the brunette next to her.Ā āThis is the game, get as many guys as you can to buy you a drink. Bonus points if you get them to buy both of us drinks.ā
āYou know what? I am going to lie in this bed with my Snickers bar. Because I donāt like to take life for granted. What if this is the last Snickers bar Iāll ever eat? What if I die in my sleep? Iām going to give this candy bar my life and more. Eh, yeah, I havenāt really taken it personally at all. Itās just more of like āoh, nothinā? You got nothinā to say to that?ā Itās cool though, Iām not bothered. I still want to learn about what the hell pressing flowers is. Yeah, ten months. Holy fuck, three years. How do you function? Canāt you just summon any of your guy friends for a quickie and get it over with? I feel like you have to put in hardly any effort at all to get sex. Sam, eh, I mean, there are ways around that, you know. Dick or not. Playtime Boutique has got a lot of alternatives if y'know what I mean. I told Opal I wanted to meet her and she kept insisting! I think Opal is like 'ugh, I donāt want this loser getting snots and tears all over my apartment from petting the cat.ā But I do want to see the kitty. We might one day. I stumbled down a flight of stairs, broken ankle, you ate a wasp. Weāre in the waiting room at Urgent Care making plans to go to the bar afterwards. Iāll put all fifty cents towards my student loan debt. The bank will be very, very impressed. My credit will skyrocket, you know. Oh yeah. Anything for you. Anythinggg.ā
āWell Iād hope it wouldnāt be your last Snickers bar in bed, thatās a real depressing thought. You get nothing? Better then what I get, I say I wanna make out and she wants to smack me. Yup, three years. I function, kind of, Iām a little bit of a mess but I donāt think that has to do with my lack of sex. Eh, Iāve been there. First of all, I donāt have many guy friends to summon. Second of all, I kinda want the next person I sleep with to have actual meaning. I mean, I donāt mind making out for no reason, but sex? I donāt know, I want some meaning behind it this time. I know, itās crazy that I actually have emotions, donāt tell anyone else okay? Hardly any effort to get the sex? Is that a compliment or? Eh, Iām pretty sure if I stuck a strap on on Sam I wouldnāt be able to take her seriously enough to sleep with. Iād just keep laughing, if it was any girl really, Iād just laugh, cause Iām immature as fuck clearly. Thatās probably true, her apartment is super neat, your snots would taint it. I can honestly see that happening, I swallowed a firefly once, I wouldnāt be surprised if a wasp was next. Yeah, Iād need all the drinks after swallowing a wasp. I got your back, keep brining me pizza in hot shorts and youāll have so many quarters the bank wonāt know what to do. Anything for me? Wow, so kind, I feel honored.ā
Text || Virgin PrincessĀ š
Opal: Hey! I'd never lock you out.
Opal: I thought you already were.
Arden: It could happen! Never say never!
Arden: we're probably school glue bonded right now.
āOh, Artichoke. Artichoke, Artichoke, Artichoke. Iām never going to forget your nickname, donāt you worry, you little Artichoke! Fuck, I do love Twixā¦but Iāll keep that promise, okay? I mean, if the situation were to arise, I totally wouldnāt be opposed to it whatsoever but sheās not interested. I think a pigeon in the park has exhibited more romantic or sexual interest in me than Opal has. YEAH, itās human nature. Human nature that I havenāt experienced in ten fucking months. Because I told her Iām going to woo her with apple juice and pizza rolls. Maybe you just need to step it up. I am allergic to the kitty but I told her I want to meet her anyway. Whatās her name again? Lula? Yeah. That kitty. Exactly. See, perfectly put, Artichoke. Oh no. That nickname isnāt going to fly. Iām sure if you Google, you can find a trick or two on how to nickname your friend named Andy appropriately. I feel like Urgent Care knows me by my damn name after all of the times I get sick. Iām there every few months, I swear. Damn, fifty cents. Thatās enough money for a gumball or two. I might have to put that in my savings account. Yeah, I know, you donāt have to tell me. Itās quite a sight to see. Iāll give you a front row ticket in your belated Easter basket for a show.ā
āIām starting to figure that out. Twix are the best, way better than snickers, but you already made your bed now you gotta lie in it with your snickers bar. Well of course not, Opal is the best, donāt take it personally she doesnāt exhibit much sexual interest. Alright, listen, ten months? Nothing. You come talk to me when you got three years alright? Both my sexual and love life are about as empty as the wallet in my pocket. Unless you count Sam saying sheād bang me if she was a man, but sheās not a man, so no banging. Iām her best friend, I donāt know how much more I can step it up. You want to see her? Then why am I watching the cat? Fuck that. Iām crashing this shindig. I canāt Google one, thatās cheating, it needs to come from my own mind and it needs to be perfect. Urgent Care knows me as the girl who canāt walk straight, surprised we havenāt run into each other. Right? Youād be balling with that kind of money, youāre welcome, basically helping you pay off all the debt. Oh Iām sure it is. No way, really? Best Easter gift ever, this is the reason Jesus had risen.ā
And I am not hosting a follow up show that rivals Intervention. Itās sad but true. Theyāre almost unavoidable, with all their wit and charm. Iām not surprised, you do give the impression of someone who has to learn things through your own experience, which is ultimately the hard way. Iām the same. I swear I read once about a scientific study that suggested if someoneās body odor and farts are tolerable to you, youāre a good match and youād make great babies. That was the gist of it anyway. Clearly Iāve been spending too much time watching Friends and not enough time out looking for my friend soul mate.
āGood, youāre better than that shit. Oh yeah, my how life has been one bigĀ ālearn from your mistakesā shinding. In fact, Iām pretty sure my life would make one great shitty sitcom. Wait, do you mean thatās an actual thing? You mean people actually researched that? Why was I not called. Soul mates are overrated anyway, I believe you have multiple soulmates in different aspects of your life. Besides, no one can ever watch too much Friends, thatās another scientific fact I believe.ā
Estee couldnāt help but laugh at the idea, āIāll look like a complete badass until my battle scars fade and people begin to question the authenticity of it. Besides, I think I look like the sort of girl whoād be the first to run if I saw a bear in New York. My level of badass is nothing compared to Lois Lane. I grew up travelling between Manhattan and Sydney, so I donāt think I could get away with calling myself new to the city. But Iām new to Brooklyn, yes. I donāt know if Iām ākilling itā, but I try. The apartment was a little out of my budget - the budget I created because I was trying to be a responsible adult - but I decided to go for it anyway. Iāve got a stack of bills to pay, but at least Iām not dealing with a plumbing problem. That sounds like something a New Yorker would do. People like that rarely exist over in Sydney.ā
āThen, you work some movie magic and make some battle scars out of makeup. Iām sure thereās a youtube tutorial on it, thereās one of those for everything. Please, Lois Lane is hardly a badass, all she does is get in trouble, classic damsel in distress. If you want to aspire to be a real badass then Oprah should clearly be your idol, or Ellen, whichever sprinkles your donut. Wow, Sydney huh? Thatās really cool, itās on my bucket list of places to visit. I bet itās beautiful. I feel like living in an apartment with bad plumbing is a right of passage, but then again this is your first time in the city so, I guess you can skip that part.ā
āWow wow wow are you kidding me? If I was a dude Iād totally bang you-okay that totally cam out wrong but you know what I mean. Oh my god you reminded me I totally need to get mine done, theyāre so light blonde itās so hard to pluck them myself. Iām so glad youāre on board with this, Tinder is hours of fun when you find a fuck boy to tease with. Itās a date then?ā
āIām honestly so flattered. Youād make a super hot guy, cause youāre a hot girl, so a hot guy banging me? Wonderful, I am so honored. I could pluck them for you! For free! I learned how to do it from Sonya the eyebrow lady at work. Iām sorry, is there another way youāre supposed to use Tinder? Itās a date for sure.ā
āDude, what the actual ā that guy is my idol. That guy is who I want to be ten years from now. Thatās the kind of person I aspire to be, I want to tell my kids that of all my years, I have learned everything important in life,Ā especiallyĀ since he has fifty dollars.ā
āYou mean you want to be the guy who pays fifty dollars for tacos that only cost five dollars? Cause if thatās the case then I will deliver tacos to you whenever youād like. Iād be happy with a forty five dollar tip every time. I have to worn you though, you might end up going broke.ā
Text || Virgin PrincessĀ š
Opal: Arden..
Opal: You'd have to ask her.
Arden: I'm kidding I'm kidding...don't lock me out
Arden: I will, since I'm cat sitting soon, we're going to be bonded like gorilla glue
Text || Virgin PrincessĀ š
Opal: There must be something you want to do?
Opal: She'll remain Lula Mae then.
Arden: I mean I'd be down for drinking and making out. But you don't drink and you made it clear we're JUST friends.
Arden: I bet she's sad about that, feeling left out and what not.
