arionline @arionline - Tumblr Blog

How ironic that the last post i posted was me being offended that Niva thought i wouldnt go to heaven and now my next post is about... my spiritual awakening lol. so its been a few weeks now since it happened and im still trying to wrap my head around it all.

basically on the 6th of feb 2024, niva and i were home alone because we were about to fly out to australia on the weekend so sundae was at dad's and EJ was getting his bank, ird & job sorted at niva's parents house in mangere. before I really go into it, I had basically been on a very long downward spiral for the past few months. was so sad and agitated and severely anxious for no apparent reason at all. the past few months, I had been really yearning to explore my spirituality and reconnect with God. it was one of my goals for 2024 when i made my list after new years. i just didnt know where to start. i even thought about doing some hard drugs to force me to open my mind up to it. it was like the more depressed and anxious i felt, the more intense or even urgent my desire to find God became. but it wa weird because the way i am - skeptical and realistic - felt like the biggest hurdle in my journey. i was too focused on my life in a surface kind of way. i cant explain it but at the time i didnt even realise thats how i was. i used to think i was extremely self-aware and emotionally intelligent and thats why i was so anxious and had mood swings all the time. anyways, my down buzz became so hard to handle i started taking days off work and started feeling like niva and i werent really connecting at all. and all these things just made my anxiety so much worse. i was crying over scenarios i was making up in my head. and the way my brain works, its hard to STOP thinking so much. it was like a never ending cycle because thats all i knew my whole life. i began to think something was seriously wrong.

so that night, me and niva were having a bucky before we ate dinner and i finally opened up to him about how i was feeling and how i thought i was severely mentally ill and needed help. i told him i think i have ADHD or an anxiety disorder and i need to get on medication because how im feeling cannot be normal. his reaction, despite how supportive he was trying to be, kind of made me feel very invalidated. he basically told me im fine and im not fucked up. i expected him to say that though because i know hes never felt and been through what ive been through. it just made me feel sadder because he always pushed me to talk to him and open up but whenver i did tell him how i truly felt, it never felt like he actually heard me, you know? we sorta dropped it there and went to eat. then as we were eating i remember talking about my parents because they were driving me nuts at the time. then i asked niva what was his first impression of my parents - in the sense that it might've been weird for him to meet my parents who pretty much cant stand each other. his response is what set me spiralling. he said "i felt sorry for you". he went on to explain a little more, i dont remember much though because i had already started crying. and from there i just couldnt stop. at first i was shocked because i just had never had fathomed a reality where niva saw the flaws i saw in my parents IMMEDIATELY. it was like the whole time i thought it was in my head but he knew immediately and i just never even thought that was a possibility. i knew i had a hard life but i thought everyone was like that. in fact, i thought my life was extra normal than others because other people have gone through way worse than i have. and to find out the person who knows me best in this whole world could see it as soon as he met my parents - mindblowing.

while i was crying i closed my eyes and could see my life flashing before my eyes, but this time it wasnt like the memories i had always seen in my head. this time i was seeing it from niva's perspective, or just an outsider perspective in general. and it was like all that trauma and sadness i thought was only in my head (because what do i have to be sad about when my life is much better than others who had it so much worse?) was REAL. it was real and all those feelings i had about these things in my life were valid. it was ME telling myself that its all in my head. the flashbacks and feelings got more and more intense within the span of like 2 minutes and i started freaking out. i remember getting up and hugging niva and the feeling of his embrace sent me over the edge. i had a vision of me being hugged and surrounded by people dressed in white, and the light around us was so so bright. thats when i started freaking out. looking back on it now, i feel like i was touched by God spiritually. i had never felt something like that before so i truly thought i was losing my mind. all i remember was crying hysterically as the revelation came to me. i felt like my whole being had changed because how could i have never seen myself and my life that way?? i did see it but i didnt truly believe my recollection of events was true or real. i didnt think the feelings i had in my head about people and events in my life was real, and would gaslight myself into thinking i made it all up. i thought i made all my suffering up in my own head to feel sorry for myself. but at that moment, when God touched my soul, he showed me. he showed me how it was all real, all my suffering was REAL and not for nothing. every flashback showed me how strong i really was because i made it through the hard times that i didnt even want to admit to myself were hard times. He showed me that i AM one of his strongest soldiers. i fought those battles by myself because i didnt even know God was there. i didnt even have the emotional and spiritual capacity to allow God to come into my life and help me. i was so lost and God showed me why. he showed me that my revelation was destined for that exact moment because everything i went through in my life was a challenge and a lesson from him.

arionline

Cont...

I felt a feeling of relief now that i knew everything happened for a reason, but at the same time was so extremely overwhelmed. i wish i revelled in that feeling more but i tried so hard to immediately find sense in the moment that i couldnt let myself feel all the feelings i felt. i probably looked like a madwoman to niva because i just remember grabbing his arms and pleading with him like "i see it now! i see it! God sent you to me!! I need to go to loku and pray and be like you" i cant really remember exactly what i was saying but all i know is God gave me clarity to see that he sent Niva to me for that exact moment because it would have never happened without him. that revelation saved our relationship because now i know for sure that we were made for each other. all the worries and doubts i had about him literally disappeared in that moment because i know he could feel it too and that God's plan was bigger than any little issue we had in our relationship in the past.

still to this day its hard to explain that moment and how i felt internally, despite the fact ive relived the memory a million times over in my head. all i remember was feeling extremely scared, overwhelmed and a part of me thinking i really have gone crazy. the revelation itself was such a unique and overwhelming feeling. being someone who always thought i was highly emotionally intelligent and self-aware, to be confronted with the realisation that your mindset your whole entire life has been wrong feels like your entire world is literally crashing down. i really cant explain the feeling, i guess you would need to have a revelation like this yourself. for a long time afterwards too i was too scared to even call it a revelation or refer to the moment as God showing me something. i called it a 'realisation' for a while. what made it so overwhelming at the time was the fact that the 'realisation' itself was SO fucking obvious. like how could i never had realised or known that the struggles in my life was real?? i cant even explain that too coz the realisation wasnt really that my struggles were real, it was that everything ive been through in my life wasnt just a punishment for my own shortcomings or mistakes. very hard to explain unless you have a fucked up mentality like i did for 25 years. looking back on it now, its no wonder i was so depressed and anxious for no reason. because how can i heal from my trauma when i refuse to even acknowledge that my trauma is real and not just a figment of my imagination. i was so hellbent on NOT having a victim mentality that i didn't even recognise the true possibility of me ever being a victim. this is so hard to explain because my brain doesnt really create lineal thoughts and explanations. my brain kind of works like a video compilation where all the videos are about the same topic or whatever, but theyre combined in a way that makes no real sense because its all somewhat unrelated. very hard to explain lol. anyways, it took me ages to calm down after that because i didnt want to confront my trauma at all. i was scared to even acknowledge the moment as anything other than a mental breakdown. but i really did change mentally, emotionally and spiritually that night. i had never ever thought of myself as a strong person because i had always been so down and depressed and anxious. until God showed me that night that i AM strong. in that moment i was as strong as i had ever been in my whole life.

the next day i was still feeling weird and different. my perspective had been knocked completely upside down and i couldnt tell if it was a good or bad way. everyone i saw at work looked different now. it was like i could really SEE them for the very first time. exactly like how i felt like i was only really SEEING myself for the first time ever the night before. i was on the verge of tears all morning because flashbacks of the night before kept coming to me. i could feel God in everything and everywhere around me. it was freaking me the fuck out! imagine never knowing if God is there because you've never felt him and then suddenly being unable to STOP feeling him. i remember going out for my morning smoko alone and when i got outside i could feel him everywhere. in the sun and sky and the wind and the birds. so i prayed to him because that was what niva was telling me to do - pray on it. for the first time in my life i prayed and i felt like God was really there listening. i told him i can feel it, i can feel him. i asked if he can help me get through the day without crying because i dont want to cry at work. immediately, i look up and theres a smile on my face and i suddenly dont feel like crying anymore! i thought to myself wow, you've there the whole time God?? but i couldnt even be mad at him because he showed me why i didnt feel him earlier. he waited for that moment the night before because it was meant to be that way. how easy that realisation healed so much trauma and anxiety i didnt realise i had been carrying with me my whole life. for the rest of that day and the few days after, i felt like my connection with God was at its strongest.

now, the feeling is a lot less overwhelming but my perspective of life and people and God is so different. now, i know that my God loves me and i dont need others to tell me or show me how to navigate his love and the life he's prepared for me. i am more secure than ever in who i am and what my purpose here on earth is, even though i actually have no idea at all. its been so good for me now that i have faith and truly believe that God has a plan and everything will work in his timing. my perspective of life is so fresh even though i still have so much left of my spiritual journey to uncover. i could honestly write a whole book on this event and how its affected me but im still navigating and making sense out of those thoughts. all i can do is keep moving forward because now i know how God works. now i know that God is not some 3rd party that drops miracles at your feet when you ask for it. no, he works THROUGH us. he is the hope and the courage and the dreams we all have to be the best we can be. i had never felt connected to God before because i never even allowed myself to open my heart to receive his love and guidance. but now i have and i haven't stopped seeing him work through myself and the ones around me since.

theres so much i have to say about this but i'll leave it at that for now.

basically on the 6th of feb 2024, niva and i were home alone because we were about to fly out to australia on the weekend so sundae was at dad's and EJ was getting his bank, ird & job sorted at niva's parents house in mangere. before I really go into it, I had basically been on a very long downward spiral for the past few months. was so sad and agitated and severely anxious for no apparent reason at all. the past few months, I had been really yearning to explore my spirituality and reconnect with God. it was one of my goals for 2024 when i made my list after new years. i just didnt know where to start. i even thought about doing some hard drugs to force me to open my mind up to it. it was like the more depressed and anxious i felt, the more intense or even urgent my desire to find God became. but it was weird because the way i am - skeptical and realistic - felt like the biggest hurdle in my journey. i was too focused on my life and the world in a surface-level kind of way. i cant explain it but at the time i didnt even realise thats how i was. i used to think i was extremely self-aware and emotionally intelligent and thats why i was so anxious and had mood swings all the time. anyways, my down buzz became so hard to handle i started taking days off work and started feeling like niva and i werent really connecting at all. and all these things just made my anxiety so much worse. i was crying over scenarios i was making up in my head. and the way my brain works, its hard to STOP thinking so much. it was like a never ending cycle because thats all i knew my whole life. i began to think something was seriously wrong.

so that night, me and niva were having a bucky before we ate dinner and i finally opened up to him about how i was feeling and how i thought i was severely mentally ill and needed help. i told him i think i have ADHD or an anxiety disorder and i need to get on medication because how im feeling cannot be normal. his reaction, despite how supportive he was trying to be, kind of made me feel very invalidated. he basically told me im fine and im not fucked up. i expected him to say that though because i know hes never felt and been through what ive been through. it just made me feel sadder because he always pushed me to talk to him and open up but whenver i did tell him how i truly felt, it never felt like he actually heard me, you know? we sorta dropped it there and went to eat. then as we were eating i remember talking about my parents because they were driving me nuts at the time. then i asked niva what his first impression of my parents was - in the sense that it might've been weird for him to meet my parents who pretty much cant stand each other. his response is what set me spiralling. he said "i felt sorry for you". he went on to explain a little more, i dont remember much though because i had already started crying. and from there i just couldnt stop. at first i was shocked because i just had never had fathomed a reality where niva saw the flaws i saw in my parents IMMEDIATELY. it was like the whole time i thought it was in my head but he knew immediately and i just never even thought that was a possibility. i knew i had a hard life but i thought everyone was like that. in fact, i thought my life was extra normal than others because other people have gone through way worse than i have. and to find out the person who knows me best in this whole world could see it as soon as he met my parents - mindblowing.

while i was crying i closed my eyes and could see my life flashing before my eyes, but this time it wasnt like the memories i had always seen in my head. this time i was seeing it from niva's perspective, or just an outsider perspective in general. and it was like all that trauma and sadness i thought was only in my head (because what do i have to be sad about when my life is much better than others who had it so much worse?) was REAL. it was real and all those feelings i had about these things in my life were valid. it was ME telling myself that its all in my head. the flashbacks and feelings got more and more intense within the span of like 2 minutes and i started freaking out. i remember getting up and hugging niva and the feeling of his embrace sent me over the edge. i had a vision of me being hugged and surrounded by people dressed in white, and the light around us was so so bright. thats when i started freaking out for real. looking back on it now, i feel like i was touched by God spiritually. i had never felt something like that before so i truly thought i was losing my mind. all i remember was crying hysterically as the revelation came to me. i felt like my whole being had changed because how could i have never seen myself and my life that way?? i did see it but i didnt truly believe my recollection of events was true or real. i didnt think the feelings i had in my head about people and events in my life was real, and would gaslight myself into thinking i made it all up. i thought i made all my suffering up in my own head to feel sorry for myself. but at that moment, when God touched my soul, he showed me. he showed me how it was all real, all my suffering was REAL and not for nothing. every flashback showed me how strong i really was because i made it through the hard times that i didnt even want to admit to myself were hard times. He showed me that i AM one of his strongest soldiers. i fought those battles by myself because i didnt even know God was there. i didnt even have the emotional and spiritual capacity to allow God to come into my life and help me. i was so lost and God showed me why. he showed me that my revelation was destined for that exact moment because everything i went through in my life was a challenge and a lesson from him.

Today niva cried to me, like full on sobbed, because he believes the second coming of Christ is coming and he’s scared because he doesn’t think I’ll get into heaven and he prays that I see the light or whatever because he loves me so much. He said I need to do a salvation prayer….

I’m kind of taken aback. Still, even tho this convo happened like 3 or 4 hours ago. Like I’m hurt hearing that, that’s all I can say. I’m shocked that he thinks that. I mean I know I’m not perfect but I’m not a bad person. He didn’t really explain exactly what he meant but I can only assume he was talking about my non-religiousness. Like it makes me a bad person or not worthy of salvation. And that’s just crazy to me because I’m very confident that I was a worse, more hateful and judgemental person when I was fully indoctrinated in the Catholic Church, because that was how I was taught. And after all those years and my entire childhood spent in that environment, I was confident in walking away from it all because I knew that going to church and reading the bible does not make you a good person by default. In fact, the most horrible and miserable people I’ve ever met and encountered in my life were people who were extremely church-y and religious. I don’t need a book and the church to tell me to be a good person. I am a good person because I choose to be, at my own free will. I don’t do it in the hopes I’ll be let into heaven at the end of it all.

It’s just crazy and hurtful to me that my whole life spent in the Catholic Church I was constantly told I’m not worthy to go to heaven and I am a sinner and a bad person. And now that I’ve left all that behind and navigated my own way through my relationship with God, I am STILL being told all that. And by the one person I love the most. It just sucks because I guess deep down I always expected our religious views to get between us. At least now I know for real how he feels. Just feels stink because I am not willing to go back to that life just to please him. I’m glad he never had to experience what I did but I know I am better off now that I live without all of that. I just feel like I don’t really think we could ever be the same knowing that’s how he feels about me. Because what did I do to deserve to go to hell?

I forgot how hard depression is. I feel like it never really goes away but times like this where my entire life feels so mundane like a robot living the same routine every day to the point life doesn't even feel real anymore - that's when I know it's really gone bad. It's worse too when you feel so fucking miserable but your life in reality is fine. Like there's literally no reason I should be feeling this way. But I do and I don't even have anything to blame it on. I never thought it would get this bad again but I feel like my 15 y/o self again. It's scary because sometimes the thoughts and feelings I have feel uncontrollable, like I can't do anything about it except let it run its course. It's scary because for the past few weeks, maybe even months, the smallest thing could bring my mood down so severely and make me genuinely want to drive myself into a pole at 200km/hr. And you know it's bad when the thought of death feels more inviting that the thought of living another day in my body. I would like to say that my body issues is what makes me like this but I know its more than that. It's just everything idk. Maybe I'm just not one of God's strongest soldiers or whatever it is they say. The world is so fucking miserable anyways. My life now already feels like hell. My brain literally never turns off, it's always going on and on, especially about the bad things. Sometimes there are just too many thoughts that I can't even fully comprehend myself and it gets so hectic and stressful and my brain feels like a watermelon with a million rubber bands around it about to explode any second. I guess that's why it's called mental illness because why can't I just stop thinking and have peace in my head for once?? The thought of dying and just never having to have thoughts anymore, never having to struggle or prove anything to anyone - seems like fucking heaven to me. Makes me feel like I can't wait. And sometimes when the thoughts in my head make me feel like I'm gonna explode, I swear I can't even wait a second longer. But I know I shouldn't so I don't. I know I shouldn't kill myself because then my family and friends would be so hurt blah blah blah but tbh sometimes that doesn't even matter to me (that's when I know it's gotten bad).

Lately my depression has been kicking my ass. Nothing in my life feels like it holds any substance or value anymore. It's just there. And I know I just have to let this wave of depression run its course so I can go back to normal. But what if it doesn't go back to normal and I'm just accidentally sabotaging all of my relationships to isolate myself from all my loved ones and kill myself without any guilt... its givinggggg mental illness lol. Anyways all I can do these days is just make myself feel numb to all my surroundings. I try to focus on tasks at hand and busy myself until I can find another task to occupy my mind. Because at any free moment I will have a morbid thought that most likely involves ceasing to exist and that's not good. But doesn't stop me from yearning for it because life's fucking hard and I'm so tired of being here. I feel sorry for everyone around me who loves me or whatever because I can't even promise that I won't kill myself because sometimes it really feels like that's the only option I have left. I've always had a feeling I would die before 30. I could never imagine my life as an old person anyways. If I haven't killed myself by the time I'm 30 I'll be genuinely surprised lol

Life is so terrible I’m so tired of feeling like shit!!! If I had a gun rn I would fr shoot myself in the head 🙂

Won 5K gambling and kept it from me LMFAOOO. At this point just keep fucking up so I can fall out of love with you please!!! Would really appreciate that coz I’m miserable and I’m sick of going through this over and over again lol 🙃 I really fucken hope there’s someone better out there for me coz there’s just no way love should be this miserable

My resentment towards you must be piling up because today I don’t even feel like I love you at all lol

man. i did not realise how hard it was going to be if i took you back. its not even about your behaviour per say... because you've definitely been acting better since this whole thing happened. i just find it SO hard to move on. i tell myself that maybe i just need more time to heal or whatever but then i start wondering what if this is how its going to be forever... what if our whole relationship ends up being like this - where i cant trust you to be out of my sight at all. i cant trust that you're not wasting your money at the casino let alone trust that you're not cheating on me with someone somewhere. and i hate to admit this because i was doing so well pretending i couldnt hear these thoughts in my brain but fuck. i actually do love you less than i used to before you did what you did. even if i act like everything's okay it doesn't really feel like that when i take a step back. our relationship dynamic definitely changed. i hate that you ruined us for me babe. our relationship used to be the best thing that happened to me and now its fucked. i have zero trust in you and no matter how hard i try to move on from that and build it back up again i feel like i just cant. im genuinely scared that if i trust your word then you'll do what you always do in the past and break my trust and my heart. ive been through enough heartbreak babe. my whole conscious life has been kinda shit. the last 10 years have been nothing but torture for me lol. i cant remember the last time i was truly content let alone happy with my life. and when we moved in together i finally felt content and safe and loved and that i finally made it through the roughest part of my life. but then you snatched that all away from me when you cheated because ive been hurting more deeply than ever before. now im constantly battling with myself and with you because everythings different now. you're not the person i used to think you were and i get so paranoid about you going out or you around girls because i realised i dont even know who you are! i keep asking you to tell me stories of your life because i want to know who you really are. but of course you hate talking to me about things beyond the surface level so it never really works out that way. i always think about how i wish i was with someone who was emotionally intelligent and who spoils me and who takes charge because im tired of being the leader and the brains and the person who takes initiative in the relationship. theres so many things i always thought i would get in a partner but i never did. and its kind of sad how we've been doing so well and im okay with where we are and really do feel like i love you again, more than anyone else ive ever loved on this earth, but i still dont feel fulfilled. ever since you cheated ive been thinking a lot about what more there is to love and marriage and having a family and how we just dont have some of the things ive always wanted in my forever relationship. trust is one of the things. but other things too like financial stability, emotional connection, conversational compatibility... and really, when you look at it head on, these things are literally the bare minimum. anyways i was crying the whole time i typed this because i love you so much and despite everything ive said i don't want to leave you and i will always try my best to make us better. for as long as i can pretend everything is ok, we will be fine because i promised myself that i would never hurt you the way you've hurt me - and unlike you, i keep the promises i make

tbh i'm not even that mad about how much you spent on gambling. i'm just mad that you had the audacity to give me attitude talking about "I paid for our food this whole week!!" as if that isnt what i HAVE to do every fucken week lol. you cant even get us through a full week let alone to next pay day and you got paid $500 more than me 💀 so please lets not act like you're the breadwinner of our relationship lol. and the lying lmfao the LYINGGGG. like now i know to just not believe you by default, especially when it comes to money. and like how are you mad at me for catching you out on your lies?? i didn't ask you or make you lie to me. i'm sick of having to have the same conversation about lying. man no wonder there is zero trust in our relationship. if it cant be fixed i dont think we'll last much longer tbh. how sad that i'm constantly feeling like our relationship is doomed. destined to fail. must be nice to have a partner you can love and trust undoubtedly. times like this i start missing my ex lol i mean we had our issues but i never doubted our relationship as much and as consistently as i do with ours. not a good sign really, if anyone knew how i felt they would be wondering why tf i havent left yet. and i wonder that too lol. am i just desperate to have a special someone in my life??? i wouldnt be surprised lol. maybe when people say that you cant love someone unless you love yourself is true. because i find the lower my self esteem is, the more i cling to you. the more i'm willing to give you another chance. the more i'm willing to keep hurting just to make you happy or make us work out. man if only you knew the emotional sacrifices i have to make. if only you knew how much you cheating on me a few weeks ago has broken my heart, trust, and hope in you and still stings like it happened yesterday. the only way i can be intimate with you and love you still is if i force myself to stop thinking about it. because trust me, at any given time it is the ONLY thing i can think about when im with you. even when im away from you actually. anyways, tonight made something click in my head for me lol. i would always reject the idea that you are just like my dad and thats why i always feel like we're not meant to be. but now, i realise that's really how it is. funny how the type of people you try your best to avoid, you end up attracting into your life. and god i do not want to go through what mum went through with dad. and its a bit scary how accepting and comfortable i'm getting with some of these feelings i have... the feeling of regret that i ever met you and fell in love with you... the feeling that i wish to god i could let go of you right now and move on with my life... the feeling that i would actually rather die than have to leave you anyways. but all these realisations tonight have made me realise i love you a little less right now than i did yesterday. i still love you so much but i cant even be surprised that the thought "i hope you keep fucking up so i can lose feelings for you and leave you easier" happily crossed my mind. its so sad and scary that im at that point in our relationship now. maybe im too sensitive for my own good. or maybe this just really isnt normal and im a fucken fool for still being with you after everything you've put me through lol. sometimes when i go to sleep at night i wish i wouldn't wake up in the morning so i dont have to feel any of these things anymore.

this is affecting me more than i thought it would. maybe its because i thought we were gonna break up after i confronted you about it. i feel so much different about you now. the last 2 times, you had cheated on me months before i found out. before we moved in together. before i started thinking you were the one i would spend the rest of my life with and the one i would get married to and have a family with. i believed it with my whole heart too before this happened. those other times felt different to now... even though i was just as upset, i managed to start moving on after we talked about it. dont get me wrong, i still held on to it (hell im still upset and angry over it to this day) but my love for you never faltered. but after what you did last week, i feel like the whole dynamic of our relationship has shifted. im scared to trust you again. every free moment of the day i cant help but think about it and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. see, im doing a good job at keeping it out of work. but i wish you knew how hurt i am. i dont even want to touch you anymore because every hug or kiss or anything just feels like a big fat lie. it just makes me think that everything before this wasnt enough or meant so little to you that you felt the need to search for someone else to be that person for you. i know you've said you weren’t intending to do anything and that nothing happened but my heart just cant accept that. It makes no fucking sense to me. Idk what love is to you to think doing those things doesnt mean you dont love me. because if i ever did that to you, just know it would be because i dont have any more feelings for you. giving you that "last" chance still feels like a massive mistake. my reluctance to tell someone is proof of that because im hurting and struggling so much to get my head around this i feel like im shooting myself in the foot by not confiding in others for support. i feel like you've ruined us babe and i hate you for that. i really dont know how im going to move on from this because at this point it feels like i just cant. im scared to lose you but im more scared that ive set myself up for failure by not ending it 2 nights ago. i wake up in the middle of the night and feel disgusted about everything and about you. i dont wanna kiss or cuddle anymore even though i get so much comfort from physical touch. you know how confusing that is for me? its like my heart and mind have broken up with you but didnt tell my body. everything upsets me now. i come home after work and the first thing i think about is you telling me you dont want to leave this place and what we have - yet you would put all that at risk for some fun with some strangers. you said this isnt the case but my gut and my heart tells me you did it because im just not attractive to you anymore and you want a prettier and sexier girl. maybe its my body issues talking but thats what it feels like. im really hurt babe. you'll never know what this feeling is while you're with me because i'll never do this to you or put you in a situation to make you feel this way. the worst thing about it is im tired of trying to build our relationship back up again every time this happens. if we're ever gonna work out again, it’s up to you. i feel like my heart has checked out now. we're together but its just physically. emotionally im burnt out and im hurt and im just sooo fucking sad. i hate to voice my bad thoughts but i still feel like id rather just die. if the one man in my entire life i thought i could trust can cheat on me so easily, so will every other person. if you cheat again i honestly dont think i can handle it. i see you everyday and now i dont even know if i love you anymore. its hard to love you because it feels like my love means nothing. and i know you insist it doesnt but fuck babe if my love really meant something to you, we wouldnt be here right now. i still think there's more to it than what you’ve told me and i want to know but im scared that when i do, my worst fears will really come true. i just dont know what to do babe.

So was on your phone last night, I know I shouldn’t have done this but I did. I logged into your bank app because I wanted to see just how much you’ve been spending on TAB because it pisses me tf off that you fucking never have money the week after pay week. Anyways while I was there, saw a payment to Tinder. I’m not fucken dumb so it took me 2 secs to find your emails confirming your Tinder Gold subscription from last week while you were in Hamilton. I’m sick to my stomach. Spent all day at work today trying to act like nothings wrong but I felt like I was dying inside. I felt like I was mourning our relationship because idk what kind of explanation you could ever have that would make this ok. Last time I said if you cheat again I’m gone and now I’m so fucking sad that it really might be over because of this. Because of you. And maybe I’ve grown up since last time because now I don’t want to just sit here and hope your explanation makes everything ok. Maybe part of me wants it but most of me just wants the truth. For once. My heart fucking hurts and I hate how you always do this to me right when I start thinking I trust you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Now I’m like fark I should’ve listened to my gut back in the beginning when it was telling me that we could never ever work out. Maybe I knew more then than I know now. I spent far too long thinking that feeling was because of me but now I see it’s because of YOU. If you really cheated babe then idk what else you want from me. I give you everything I have and it’s never enough. I’m starting to really feel like maybe I’ve been the stupid one this whole time and you’ve conned me into giving you everything in return for crumbs. All those times I really believed you loved me and wanted the best for me when it was allllll shit. Babe you don’t love me. Idk if you realise that or not but if you really did love me then you would stop doing things that puts our relationship in jeopardy. Spending $45 for tinder gold??? For WHAT? To talk to other girls and get away with it? Lord I hope you didn’t meet up or sleep with any but at this point I won’t even put it past you. Times like this I feel like I’ve been with a stranger. I’m so fucking embarrassed and disappointed that I would let myself be played like this multiple times. Whether I make it to tomorrow single or not, I just don’t know anymore. My trust in you was hanging on by a thread but it was there. And on God I regret even giving you that. Yet again you prove to me that no man in my life will ever be worthy of my trust. I feel foolish that I even believed you would be different somehow. You’re just like every other guy on tinder looking for a fuck and some fun. I’m hurt and I will be hurting after this for a long time. So many times you’ve promised me it wouldn’t be like this and I hate that I believed you. Now I’m sitting here not knowing where the fuck I’m gonna live after this and how the fuck I’m gonna get all my stuff moved out again. Maybe you like hurting me idk. I just really can’t understand at all why you would do this to me. It’s a cycle with you and even though I want to forgive you, I feel like it’s just giving you the green light to keep cheating because you know my stupid ass will run back to you. But I won’t let it happen this time. I didn’t think it was too much of a big deal at first but the more I thought about it, the more it just doesn’t make sense why you would download tinder let alone pay nearly $50 for tinder gold if you didn’t have any intent to cheat on me. I can already predict what you’re gonna say.. “I was just swiping babe, me and the boys! I didn’t meet up with anyone I promise”. Fuck you babe. Really, FUCK YOU. All the times you deserved jack shit but I never ever did anything that I thought would fuck up our relationship. Because I fucken loved you!!! Ha.. funny how it slipped out as past tense. Maybe that’s indicative of where we are now. Every time I looked at you today all I could think about was how this is probably our last day together.

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why the fuck cant you stop lying? its like youre mentally ill with some disease that makes you the biggest fucking liar ive ever met. its ridiculous. not even a week we've been living together and we're at the point where you're sneaking off while im asleep and then lying straight to my fucking face when i confront you about it. what the fucks wrong with you?? i'm really worried now. like first of all, the fact you think its okay to just leave without telling me or saying anything is fucked up. if you're gonna keep doing it then i'm gonna do it to you and never come back. and then to lie to my face for the 3987238th time when i confront you for the truth?? is it really that hard to tell the truth or are you just so fucking stupid you think thats the best option? because im running out of patience for you and if i told my mum or friends what you're really like they would be telling me to leave you right here right now. and maybe they're right. you really need to start growing the fuck up. i cant keep fixing your mistakes and walking you through life to make you realise what you've done wrong. tbh the worst thing about all of this is that after you've lied to my face and left me worried sick when you sneak away without any notice is that you're not even fucking sorry for it. you never see what you've done wrong and you never feel like you're in the wrong. thats so fucking frustrating. that will be the end of us, im sure, because i dont think i can take it anymore. grow the fuck up or im gone.

arionline

Funny how this exact post is still relevant

Just thinking about how I’m not sure anymore if niva even likes me for me lol. Like it’s starting to really feel like he only likes or loves me because of what I do for him. Whenever I ask what he loves about me it’s always been about how I directly benefit his life. I can’t even explain it in words properly but now I’m scared our whole relationship is built off of a false sense of love on his part and that’s why I sometimes feel like I’m being taken advantage of. Because why would he keep doing the things he does if he truly loved me? This is making me sadder than I already am because I really genuinely fucking love this man and I don’t want this all to have been one sided :(

"i appreciate you" "i appreciate everything you do for me" then why dont you show it. is there something im missing? are you showing it in plain site and im just not seeing or getting it? tell me babe. because i cant help but feel so under appreciated even though i try my hardest to make you happy. its so confusing because sometimes just your attention and affection make me so happy and content. but as fast as you give it you take it away and i dont know why. its becoming so overwhelming - the feeling that i put it nearly all of the effort while you piggyback off of it all. i dont know if you just expect me to do everything or if you rely on me to do everything or both. because im starting to feel taken advantage of. and talking to you about it is so hard because it really is like talking to a brick wall. i dont know what to fucking do!!! i feel like i have to hold your hand and guide you through every little step for us to be able to have a civilised conversation that isnt shallow or about sex. i feel like you literally dont wanna know me unless its about sex. everything is more important than me or what i wanna say unless the words that are coming out of my mouth is about sex. its frustrating. i feel like i dont even know you and you dont even know me. today when i gave you a bj it was like every other thing was more interesting than me. "i was distracting myself so i didnt cum fast" then why are you still distracted afterwards as well. not a thanks or a hug or a kiss. nothing babe. that makes me feel so shitty like im just some dumb bitch thats here to organise your entire life and pay for your shit and give you pleasure and nothing else. its so frustrating and im so frustrated and im worried ive made a huge mistake moving in with you instead of breaking up with you months ago. i feel like ive been feeling this way for so long and maybe i have to spell it out for you loud and clear for you to change. is it that hard to apologise when youve hurt me or say thank you when i do things for you or give back the effort that ive given to you? if its that hard babe then maybe lets just part ways because i cant keep hurting like this just to be with you.

I want to fucking die

i shouldnt be hurting this much. we can have a good day or a good week but i always end up feeling like we dont really belong together and we're doomed to breakup. and i let it slide because i love you and i wanna live in the moment and maybe its ok to feel like this if i dont expect anything out of it. but i do expect you to just keep your word and be the other half of the relationship but sometimes you dont. and i dont know what to do i really dont. everythings so hard for no reason and i hate it. and i hate even more that when we have our good days/weeks i let myself forget about it for the sake of keeping you happy. im scared to lose you but at the same time i cant keep hurting like this over stupid little things.

i cry so much now. i hate thinking about the future with you because i dont really believe we'll have one. or maybe i just dont want to? and everyone keeps telling me the same thing - that i should just end it now. but how can i when i love you so much and im scared of the heartbreak no matter how much i pretend to everyone that im not. i hate that i dont even know if these feelings are valid because of everything youve done and are doing to me or if im just overreacting and being fucking crazy. i hate doubting myself like this because i was never one who questions my own reality. i dont know what to do.

its hard to talk to you about these things because you never really get it and i never feel like youre fully engaged in the situation whether you just genuinely dont understand or you dont want to - i can never tell. and i always end up putting your feelings first by diminishing mine and acting like its ok. because thats the only way it will be - if i let you think your apology fixed everything when it didnt because you dont even know why the fuck youre saying sorry. its so frustrating because i feel like i have to dumb down my emotions and pretend emotional intelligence isnt even a thing so that our relationship can be reasonably functioning. maybe this is why i get so resentful every time we have a hiccup. and i cant talk to you about this because it just goes around in a circle again. i cant keep doing this but i do because i fucking love you. its so unfair and im so tired but youre probably oblivious to it all. im so sad.

the small things really do build up. whenever i bring up whats bothering me and you act like its no big deal i always feel so fucking dumb. though part of me thinks "if its no big deal then why couldnt you just do what needed to be done?". and fighting you on that is also useless because i know youll just ignore it or you wont get it. its like im fighting with myself lol. i love you and i dont know what to do.

every time my phone vibrates i get excited at the thought that its you messaging me. even after nearly 8 months together, seeing your name in my notifs excites me. i feel bad when i miss a text or message because i dont want to keep you waiting. im sure thats not the same for you but i wish it was. i really dont know how you love because i dont feel it. constantly at least. sometimes i feel so special and loved by you and other times i feel like im a really insignificant part of your life that you dont bother putting effort into keeping. but maybe thats on me for letting so many things slide.

i feel like i do so much for you with very minimal in return. its not even about money but i do feel like i spend a lot of money on you and yet i just dont recieve the same effort back. its hard because i dont want to bring this up in fear ill sound so materialistic and shallow. but its just everything. i feel like i do so much and you can barely be bothered to do the bare minimum sometimes. i just wish i was someone you would go out of your way for because you love me - because thats i do for you. frankly its at the point where i question if im being taken advantage of because whether its conscious or not, any third party would probably say i am.

im just upset and frustrated so idk if im thinking logically or not. but its valentines day and i thought id give you a chance to lead our relationship for once and do something for me without me having to ask. but i guess not. i guess if i dont outright ask you for something, it wont happen and today is evidence of that. im frustrated that i didnt think i was expecting much but for you.. maybe i was. maybe this is all just too much and i need to let you go before i get in too deep. i love you but i feel so lost about what to do. i tell people that youre good for me but maybe im not so sure anymore.

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