My Little Bookshelf

Listen, my dumbass has mutuals who know me in real life and don’t know how much I love fan fiction so here we are with an account where I can rightfully reblog (feel free to tag me so I can read)

[heli0s-writes]

Wordpeddler Masterlist (COMPLETE)

Summary: An online petition for the Avengers to be interviewed turns into a series of misadventures with the so-called wordpeddler.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader A/N: WELP HERE I GO HOPPING ON THE TRAIN. Chaoticdumbass!Reader and Peter Parker friendship. Mild angst later on. Mostly silliness and a lot of exasperated!Bucky. 

inspired by the works of @geosaurusrrex and @sunmoonandbucky

All poems are credited to their authors. Sonderlust - a term by Kishi Bashi, taken from The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.

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TWITTER ACCOUNTS

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

FIVE

SIX

SEVEN

EIGHT

NINE

TEN

ELEVEN

TWELVE

THIRTEEN

FOURTEEN

FIFTEEN

SIXTEEN

SEVENTEEN

EIGHTEEN

NINETEEN

TWENTY- EPILOGUE

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MEME DUMPS

PARTS 1-5      |       6-10      |       |     11-15     |        |     16-20     |

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WP tags: @dreaming-always​ @memyselfandmaddox @rinthehufflepuff @dianadov @quinjetboi @deliciouslyenchantingpenguin @nerdy-bookworm-1998​ @itshinothey @imsoft-barnes @1-800-ahh-crap​ @galwholikesmusicals​ @damalseer @stevehesaidabadlanguageword @deanabbyablog @ravenkake @bradfordbantama @deathofmissjackson @unadulteratedwizardlove @marvelrose @everything-is-awesomesauce @kupcake-goddess @vxidnik @fanfic-fangirl @justkending @i-dont-want-to-get-out-of-bed @whyamihere-bro @daffodilsbucky @buckybarnesscrunchie @lxdyred @berjhawn @rosesndebauchery @yknott81 @spideyhoe-spoilerman @drinkfantasy​ @joalynuniverse @winchesterprincessbride @bucky-of-the-opera @josien123 @happy-little-winchester @fandom-addict-aesthetics @shy-and-hopelessly-romantic​ @im-not-an-armrest-im-short @virtualmemmecollector @thebadassbitchqueen​

tags: @whothehellisbucky @serpentbaby @badassbaker @alagalaska @cake-writes @crist1216 @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan

[enchantedlovergirl]

okay okay so adult! zuko x reader (also part of the team avatar and also let them have some history with zuko) where reader still hates him after everything and now when they meet again zuko is determined to fix their relationship.

Second Chances

Pairing: Adult! Zuko x Reader

Summary: after five years apart, you see zuko again at aang’s reunion—and realize neither of you actually moved on.

Word Count: ~3.5k (estimate)

Warnings: angst, unresolved feelings, past breakup, mutual pining, awkward tension, some soft physical intimacy

Author’s Note: this is very much a reunion/second chance type thing—less about why they broke up and more about what happens when they’re forced to face each other again. zuko’s a bit softer here than canon fire lord zuko, but i like to think he’d grow into it. i haven't really watched the movie (i am waiting for it to release) so some facts might be wrong here and there. constructive criticism is welcome, just be kind :)

The invitation had arrived three weeks ago, crisp cream parchment sealed with the Air Nation insignia. Aang was throwing a reunion—a proper one, with everyone. Katara had sent a follow-up note practically begging you to come, using words like "closure" and "healing" in a way that made your stomach twist uncomfortably.

You didn't need closure. You'd moved on. Mostly.

The lie died the moment you stepped into the Air Temple's great hall and saw him.

Zuko stood near the entrance to the courtyard, silhouetted against the golden afternoon light, and for a second, your entire nervous system forgot how to function. It wasn't just that he'd changed—it was that he'd changed, the way people do when years stretch between you and suddenly they're someone new, someone more, someone who makes your mouth go dry and your hands feel too hot.

His hair was longer. Shoulder-length and sleek, partially pulled back with a single piece of ribbon that probably cost more than your monthly rent, falling in waves that caught the light. You remembered when he used to wear it short and messy, and you used to mess it up more, just to see him smile. Now it looked—

Stop it.

The Fire Lord robes were magnificent, all deep crimsons and golds with those ridiculous sharp shoulder plates that made him look simultaneously more regal and more unapproachable. The scar on his left eye had weathered with time, more pronounced against his face, which was harder now, more defined. His jawline could cut glass. His shoulders were broader, impossibly so, the kind of broad that suggested years of training and responsibility.

He looked tired. That was the thing nobody would probably notice, but you did. You'd always been good at reading him.

His amber eyes swept across the room in that practiced way of Fire Lords—checking exits, assessing threats, maintaining control—and then they found you, and stopped.

The air didn't literally explode. Physics remained intact. But something in the world definitely shifted.

"Oh no," Katara whispered beside you, and you realized she'd caught the way your breath had hitched. "Oh no."

"What?" you hissed, tearing your gaze away and suddenly becoming very interested in a painting of clouds. Clouds were safe. Clouds didn't have amber eyes or long silky hair or biceps that looked like they could probably—

"You're staring."

"I'm not staring. I'm looking. There's a difference."

"Sure. And I'm the Avatar." Katara's voice was extremely smug. "Come on, let's get some tea before—"

Too late.

"Hey." His voice was different too. Deeper. Smoother, like it had been worn down and polished by years of diplomacy and command. "It's good to see you."

The bastard made it sound so casual, like you hadn't been the reason he'd written seventeen unsent letters (you knew because Aang had told you, after three whiskeys). Like you hadn't broken up because of a fundamental misunderstanding about ambition and responsibility and whether love could survive when two people wanted different futures. Like he wasn't now literally the most powerful nation's leader and you weren't just—

You were just you. Still just you.

"Lord Zuko," you said, and watched his jaw tighten at the formality. Good. You wanted him to feel at least some of the awkwardness currently staging a coup in your chest. "You look… different."

That almost-smile played at the corner of his mouth, and you hated that you remembered exactly how to read it. Amused. Resigned. Sad underneath.

"So do you," he said quietly. "Good different."

Katara, the absolute devil, excused herself to find Aang, leaving you alone with your ex while the universe laughed at your misfortune.

"I wasn't expecting—" Zuko started.

"You weren't expecting me to come?" You raised an eyebrow. "Aang was very persuasive."

"No, I—" He ran a hand through his hair, that long, beautiful, stupid hair that you very much did not want to touch, and you watched the movement with what you hoped was professional detachment. "I expected you to come. I just wasn't sure I could handle it."

The honesty knocked the wind out of you. Zuko had always been terrible at lying, and apparently, age hadn't changed that particular character flaw.

"Handle what?" you asked carefully.

He looked at you for a long moment, and you could see him doing the internal calculation, weighing words, considering consequences. Lord stuff. The kind of thing that probably consumed most of his time now.

"Seeing you," he said finally. "And wanting things I don't have any right to want anymore."

Your heart did something complicated and inadvisable.

"Zuko—"

"It's fine." He straightened his spine, and just like that, the Fire Lord settled around him like armor. But his eyes remained soft, still so frustratingly honest. "We're different people now. I get that. I'm just… I'm glad you're here."

The reunion dinner was torture.

Not because it was bad—it was actually lovely, Aang had outdone himself, and there was genuine joy around the table as the others fell back into easy rhythms of teasing and storytelling. But because Zuko was there, three people down from you (deliberate seating arrangement, courtesy of Katara's meddling), and every single time he laughed at one of Sokka's terrible jokes, you had to fight the urge to look at him.

You lost that fight often.

He'd catch you looking, and something would flicker across his face—hope, maybe, or just acknowledgment—and then he'd look back at his food, respectful of the distance you'd clearly wanted to maintain.

After dinner, you excused yourself to the courtyard. The sky was spectacular, all deep purples and bleeding oranges, and you needed air that didn't taste like regret and cinnamon (his scent; you hated that you still remembered).

You found a bench overlooking the valley, and you sat, and you tried very hard not to think about how things had ended. The argument. The harsh words. The fundamental incompatibility that had seemed so crucial five years ago.

"I thought I might find you here."

You didn't jump. Okay, that was a lie—you absolutely jumped—but you concealed it by pretending to stretch. "Just needed some air."

Zuko emerged from the shadows with the easy grace of someone trained since childhood in combat. He'd probably had to learn all over again after becoming Fire Lord—less sneaking, more visible authority. But the old instincts clearly remained. He sat on the opposite end of the bench, a careful distance maintained.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"For what?" You kept your eyes on the horizon, the way the sun was dying like it was ashamed of its brightness.

"For everything. For—" He paused, and you could hear the careful deliberation in his voice. "For not fighting harder, when we ended. For letting you walk away when I should have—"

"You were right," you interrupted quietly. "That's the thing that makes this so difficult. You were right, Zuko. I couldn't handle having a Fire Lord for a boyfriend. I needed someone who could just… be with me, without the weight of a nation on his shoulders."

"And now?"

You finally looked at him, and regretted it immediately, because the sunset was hitting his face in that golden way that made him look like something out of a painting, all sharp lines and soft scars and those damnable amber eyes.

"Now?" you asked.

"Do you still… need someone?"

"That's not fair," you said, and your voice shook slightly. "That's not a fair question."

"I know." He ran a hand through his hair again, and this time you didn't bother pretending not to watch. Let him see. Let him know that whatever he'd done with his stupid beautiful hair, you were still affected by it. "I'm not trying to be fair. Fair is what put us in that position five years ago—you being fair about your limitations, me being fair about my responsibilities, both of us being very rational and mature about destroying something that mattered."

You stood abruptly. "This is not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because you're the Fire Lord and I'm—"

"What?" He stood too, and somehow wasn't crowding you, even though he was close enough to touch. "Still brilliant? Still funny? Still the person who understood me better than anyone, even when we were fighting? Still the person I think about when I wake up at three in the morning because I had a nightmare and I need to remember what it felt like when someone loved me just for being Zuko, not for being the Avatar's friend or the Fire Nation's leader?"

"Stop." Your voice came out broken.

"I've had five years to think about this," he continued quietly. "Five years of rebuilding a nation and fixing other people's problems and doing my duty. Five years of being responsible and measured and so fucking lonely." He stepped closer, and you let him. "I'm asking if we get a second chance. Not as different people—as these people. The ones we became."

"You don't know what you want," you whispered. "You're confusing nostalgia with—"

"I know I visit the café where you used to work when I'm in the city, hoping I might run into you. I know I've tried dating other people and it felt like wearing someone else's clothes—technically fine but fundamentally wrong. I know that when Aang sent that invitation, the only reason I agreed was because I knew you'd come. And I know that watching you sit across from me at dinner, trying so hard to not look at me the same way I was trying not to look at you, was the most honest thing I've felt in years."

You pulled in a shaky breath. "What happens when you get called back to the capital? When your country needs you and I need attention? We'll be right back here."

"Maybe," he acknowledged. "Or maybe we figure it out this time, because we're not kids anymore, and we know what we're losing if we walk away. Maybe I ask you to come with me sometimes. Maybe we find a rhythm that actually works."

His hand came up slowly—giving you time to move, to refuse—and carefully, gently, tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

"Maybe," he said softly, "we stop punishing ourselves for our circumstances and just… try."

You closed your eyes. You thought about the alternative—walking away, going home, living with the persistent ache of the road not taken. You thought about five years of that.

"You can't touch me in public," you said finally, opening your eyes to find him waiting. "Too much symbolism, too many implications—"

"I can live with that."

"And I won't move to the capital. I have a life in the city."

"I can make that work."

"Zuko—"

"Just…" He stepped closer, close enough that you could feel the warmth radiating from him, could smell that cinnamon scent that probably came from the Fire Nation itself embedded in his robes. "Tell me you don't want this, and I'll walk away. I'll respect it. But don't tell me I'm wrong about what this is."

You looked at him—really looked at him, this version who'd grown into himself, who'd learned how to lead without losing the fundamental softness underneath, who clearly hadn't stopped wanting you even when he had every reason to move on.

"I'm terrified," you admitted.

"So am I."

"This probably won't work."

"Probably not," he agreed. His smile was sad and hopeful and devastatingly real. "But for the first time in five years, I'd like to find out."

You could have walked away. You could have maintained your dignity and your distance and told yourself you were being smart. You could have done a lot of things.

Instead, you reached out and took his hand.

His fingers curled around yours like they'd never learned to let go, and something that had broken in you five years ago began its slow work of healing.

"We should probably keep this quiet from the others," you said practically, even as you were unable to stop staring at how his eyes went soft, how that almost-smile became something fuller. "Katara will weaponize it."

"Absolutely fair," he agreed. "How long do you think before she finds out anyway?"

"Twenty minutes. Thirty if Toph does something"

Zuko laughed, and it was the exact same laugh you remembered, unguarded and real. "Come on, then. Let's go back in before they send someone to find us. I want to spend time with you without Aang making meaningful eye contact at me every five seconds."

You let him pull you toward the doors, his hand warm in yours, and tried to quiet the part of you that was still afraid.

That night, in the guest room that had somehow been arranged to be next to his, you lay awake and thought about second chances. About how sometimes the universe gave you one, but only if you were brave enough to take it. About how Zuko had apparently been brave enough to wait five years for the possibility.

You got up carefully and padded to the connecting door—there was one, you'd noticed with quiet surprise—and opened it just slightly.

He was awake, sitting by his window, still in his undershirt, his long hair pulled back. He turned at the sound of the door, and his eyes widened slightly.

"Hi," you said awkwardly.

"Hi," he replied, and there was something like wonder in his voice.

You climbed into his lap like you'd done a thousand times before, except it also felt brand new. He wrapped his arms around you carefully, like you might disappear, and you rested your head against his chest and listened to his heartbeat.

"This is going to be complicated," you murmured.

"Very complicated," he agreed, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

"We'll probably fight."

"Definitely will fight."

"I'm going to have moments where I'm not sure we can make it work."

"So will I," he said quietly. "But I want to have those moments with you instead of without you. That's the only thing I'm sure of anymore."

You fell asleep like that, in his arms, in a room in an Air Temple, in the space between who you'd been and who you were going to become. Outside, the night sky was full of stars that had been burning for millions of years, indifferent to human heartbreak. Inside, something was burning too—but this time, it felt like healing instead of destruction.

Katara found out in the morning and absolutely used it as a weapon, but that was fine. That was expected. That was, in its own way, a sign that things were moving forward.

And in the weeks and months that followed, as you slowly built a new relationship with Zuko—one that worked around his responsibilities instead of despite them, one that was honest about the complications and chose to show up anyway—you decided that maybe second chances were worth it after all.

Especially when they came with a Fire Lord who was willing to learn how to be flexible, how to compromise, how to love someone without consuming them entirely.

His long hair and strong biceps were nice too, but that was just a bonus.

[tteokdoroki]

thinking about firelord zuko who very quickly discards tradition as soon as you’re married.

he never walks ahead of you, always a few paces behind like he has a better view or he’s appreciating a sight only to be seen once in a life time. your fingers stay interlaced beneath heavy cloaks that bare the emblem of his home nation, but nowadays yours is stitched into the fabric with threads imported from your own. right above his. right above his heart.

zuko who’s shadow takes shape in the darkness, allowing your light to filter through a room full of opinionated others. he knows the extent of your capability extends beyond the wildest dreams, far greater than those who stand around you waiting for the crack in your visage. you’re strong, even if you stand a few heads shorter than him, your voice is loud and oftentimes the most correct in a room full of static and noise. he’d never let you feel less than, he never speaks for you, lips only parting to clear the buzz in the air and to allow attention to fall to you.

fire lord zuko who insists on being your right hand at every table — leaving you to take a seat at his head. he can’t stand the thought of eating meals at opposite ends — where the distance makes him feel lost, too far from home. he eats to your right where he can listen to the mundane up close, watch the way your lips curl around bites of food or a the words that make up tale from your tribe. he listens like the world has stopped for the two of you, like a nation in need of rule can wait another day for its lord and his princess.

in a similar fashion, he tends to you like a devout follower. even if there are handmaids and tailors and people to help. every door you’ve ever walked through is held open by him. for you. he lifts the straying edge of your train with a certain reverence, treating extra fabric like it’s an extension of you. zuko twirls the braids into your hair in the fashion that you like, undoes the lacing strings of your attire with fumbling fingers that only know the roughness of flames after a late night — because even though his mess of your garments is embarrassing, it makes you laugh in a way that warms him like honey notes in milk before bed.

zuko preps the water that laps at the tension in your shoulders and eases it away with hands that move like molten lava. rose petals bob along the surface, perform twizzles in the ripples of water that ebb around the lines of your body. worn down by work, diplomatic duties but tended to by unspoken love and adoration. zuko sinks into the tub behind you, bare and warm — his chin on your shoulder and face in your neck because that’s the only place he’s found safe enough to call home.

when you’re married to zuko, life is not instantly easier and the traditions of others still find their way into your relationship as performative duty… but he carries part of the load. he makes it simpler for you, because loving you, is simple too.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED © TTEOKDOROKI 2020-26. all fanfics & layouts belong to me. do not copy, repost, translate, feed into ai, or recommend elsewhere.

[melzula]

taking care of drunk zuko?

notes: this request was so much fun to write, i hope you enjoy anon!

warnings: yearning/pining, subtle angst, intoxication, drunk!zuko, fluff

summary: you take care of a drunken Zuko only for him to make a startling confession

You’re just about to apply a soothing mud mask to start off a relaxing evening alone when a harsh pounding at the door has you freezing in your tracks. You set the bowl aside with an annoyed huff at the disturbance as you quickly throw on your robe. You weren’t exactly expecting company, and you had been looking forward to a peaceful night to yourself after a long day at the beach.

You’re staying at Zuko’s beach house on Ember Island for a summer getaway with your friends, and you’ve enjoyed being able to catch up on each other’s lives and reminiscence on the days of your adolescence. Though you appreciate spending time with the group after being apart for so long you felt you needed space to recharge, so you declined their invitations to go out for the night and chose to stay home. Suki, Katara, and Aang were out enjoying a night swim while Sokka, Toph, and Zuko decided to explore the city. You didn’t expect anyone to be home for hours which is why you’re surprised to hear someone at the door.

Holding your robe closed with one hand as you open the door with the other, you prepare to scold the trespasser only to be met with the sight of a barely coherent Zuko propped upright between Sokka and Toph. The water tribe boy’s features are apologetic as he allows the Fire Lord to lean against him for balance, though Toph appears completely unbothered by the situation.

“Look, buddy, we’re back at the beach house,” Sokka tells him with a careful nudge, prompting Zuko to lift his head in confusion. Though clearly inebriated, he manages to make out your figure in the doorway and immediately lights up excitement.

“You found y/n!” He cheers, nearly toppling over as he tries to reach for you. Thankfully, Sokka and Toph manage to catch him before he falls flat on his face.

“Hi, Zuko,” you coo with a sympathetic smile that immediately fades as you turn your reproachful stare towards Sokka. “What did you do?”

“Nothing illegal,” Toph answers in their defense only to receive a glare from her accomplice.

“He had a bit too much to drink at the tavern, and he kept insisting on coming to see you.”

You don’t give an immediate reply, instead choosing to mull over his words as you look from him to Zuko. You realize then that you’ve never actually seen him drunk before. As Fire Lord he took great pride in keeping his composure and maintaining his image as a responsible leader, but being on vacation with your closest friends must have coaxed him into letting his guard down.

“Give him to me,” you finally respond with a resigned sigh, accepting the fact that your night of relaxation will have to be saved for another time. Sokka and Toph are careful as they maneuver Zuko into your hold, helping him drape his arm around your shoulders as you hold onto him by the waist.

“So uh, do you need any help? Because we were thinking of joining the rest of the group for that night swim—”

“Go,” you tell him with an amused roll of your eyes, “I’ve got it from here.”

You watch with a quiet laugh as he quickly bounds off towards the beach with Toph in tow, leaving you on your own to take care of Zuko. You manage to balance your combined weights on one foot as you use the other to shut the door. His head lulls to the side at your movements, his hot breath fanning against your neck as he struggles to keep his eyes open, and you try not to let this distract you from the task at hand.

“Alright, Zuko, I’m going to need your help getting you to your room,” you inform him softly, giving his waist a gentle squeeze to ensure he remains awake. “Can you do that for me?”

He hiccups, letting out a laugh before he responds, “I’d do anything for you, y/n— anything at all! You deserve nice things, and I-I can do those nice things. I’m really nice now.”

You try not to encourage his behavior, but you can’t help the giggle that escapes you at his change in demeanor. It’s certainly a stark contrast to his normally broody personality, and you enjoy getting to see the more playful side of him shine through. Compared to your days as teenagers he’s definitely learned to lighten up, but he still tends to convey his humorous nature more sparsely in comparison to the rest of the group. You like to think he’s most comfortable sharing that side of himself with you, but you try not to dwell on the fact in order to avoid setting yourself up for disappointment.

You don’t remember when exactly you first realized you had a crush on Zuko or how your feelings had transitioned from platonic to romantic, but for years you’ve harbored your affection for him under the guise of friendship. There hadn’t been time for romance during the war, and when he became Fire Lord he resumed his relationship with Mai, thus effectively destroying any chance of you ending up together. Even though they’d been broken up for years now, you’d long since accepted that it was never going to happen, and you wouldn’t jeopardize your friendship over a silly childhood infatuation that was clearly unrequited, so you told absolutely no one and swore yourself to secrecy.

You manage to get Zuko into bed, though not without difficulty, and assist him in removing his shoes so he can lay comfortably on the mattress. Though he’s now in the perfect condition to sleep off the alcohol, he simply sits propped against the pillows with his hands resting upon his stomach as he watches you move about the room. You open his window to allow fresh air to waft through and bring a bucket to his bedside in case he grows nauseous. You do everything in your power to make him content in his drunken state, and this doesn’t go without notice.

“I’m going to get you some water,” you inform him quietly only for his hand to immediately shoot out and grab onto your wrist, effectively keeping you in place.

“Don’t go,” he nearly begs, the emotion in his voice catching you off guard. “I want— I need you here.”

“It’ll only take a second—“

“Later,” he insists with a dramatic shake of his head. “That’s not impor-important… Need you. I only need you.”

His words hit your stomach like a gut punch, your heart lurching in your chest and your face heating from the drunken tenderness of his request. He has no idea how much of an effect he has on you, and even in his inebriated state you catch yourself yearning for him to return your affection. Things could be so much easier for you if you simply told him how you felt, but your fear held you back. You firmly remind yourself that you’re just friends, and he’s only seeking the comfort of a companion to help him deal with the intoxication.

“Okay,” you finally relent through a trembling breath, thankful he’s in no state to pick up on your nervous tells as you seat yourself beside him on the mattress. His head immediately falls to rest upon your shoulder, and you allow yourself the privilege of wrapping an arm around his shoulders as you’ve done so many times before.

“Thank you,” he sighs in relief, allowing his eyes to shut in hopes of stopping the spinning sensation he’s felt since returning to the beach house.

You sit in a comfortable silence for some time, neither of you daring to speak as you enjoy the quiet period of rest. Your fingers find their way towards the back of his head, and you absently begin to rake through his long strands of hair in the way you know he likes. These stolen moments are what allow you to ease the longing ache in your chest every time you’re around him, and you’re grateful he’s never seemed to mind your displays of affection. You let him believe they’re platonic for his sake and for your own sanity. It’s better this way, you think.

“You smell good,” Zuko blurts suddenly, effectively rupturing the silence. “Did you know you smell good?”

An amused huff escapes your nose as you glance over at him. “I didn’t know that, but thank you.”

“You’re just so good… you’re a good person, and I want you to know that you’re a good person. The best person!”

“I think that’s the alcohol talking,” you jest playfully, causing him to shake his head vehemently in protest.

“It’s the truth talking,” he argues passionately despite slurring his words in the process. “You’re so nice and funny and pretty. You’re like… you’re the prettiest girl.”

“Zuko,” you gently try to interrupt. Your heart is hammering in your chest and you can feel the blood rushing towards your ears as you try to stop his drunken rambling. You know he means well and can hardly comprehend what he’s saying right now, but you don’t think you can handle him spewing compliments at you when he doesn’t understand just how deeply it affects you.

“I wish you knew how much I like you,” he sighs, causing you to stiffen in place beside him. You don’t dare look at him or speak, simply holding your breath as you wait for him to continue. “You’re so good for me… I think about you even when you’re not around. I miss you all the time… do you know what that’s like?”

“Yeah,” you admit in quiet defeat, clearing your throat to ease the knot that had formed and pensively looking out towards the window. “Yeah, I do.”

You feel him relax against you, his steady breathing filling the air as he finally passes out from exhaustion. You let out a sigh as you carefully maneuver yourself out of bed and allow him to fall back against the mattress. You make sure to position him on his side and leave the bucket nearby before you set off to fetch him a pitcher of water.

You have no idea what to make of his drunken confession. He’d called you pretty, insisted that he needed you, even confessed to having feelings for you, but did it really mean anything? You don’t want to trust the words of an inebriated man, but you can’t deny the nervous fluttering in your stomach as you replay the moment over again in your mind. You so desperately want him to return your affection, but you know by morning he’ll have no recollection of your conversation and everything will return to normal. You can do nothing but settle into your own room and hope you can avoid ever having to talk about this night.

You manage to get some sleep in spite of your inability to quell your racing thoughts, and when morning arrives you make no mention of the conversation that had occurred when your friends ask about last night. They inform you they’re going to the local marketplace in search of groceries for breakfast, and you volunteer to stay behind to keep an eye on Zuko. You two have always been close, so no one suspects anything of your offer as they bid you goodbye and assure you of a quick return.

You enjoy the silence of the morning as you sip your tea and watch the waves crash on the shore from the window. A soft thud breaks you from your contemplative state, and you glance towards Zuko’s bedroom where a groan drifts through the sliding doors.

“Y/n…?” He calls hoarsely, and you wince at the sound of dry heaving that follows. Setting your cup aside, you quickly make your way into his room and find him hunched over the bucket you left behind. Rushing to his side, you help him pull the hair from his face and fashion it into a loose bun with your own hair tie.

“I’m here,” you assure him with a careful smile as you rub soothing circles into his back. You try not to pay too close attention to the feel of his muscles beneath your palm or the fact that he’d managed to remove his shirt in the night.

“I feel horrible,” he complains with a groan as he leans back against the bed frame. “Never let me go drinking with Toph ever again.”

“You found that out the hard way, huh?” You tease him with a gentle laugh as you reach for the pitcher of water and pass it into his grasp. “Drink water, you’ll feel better.”

You watch him begin to take greedy gulps from the pitcher, droplets of water dribbling past his chin and down the expanse of his chest. You look away flustered and silently curse the spirits for putting you in such a precarious situation. Every time you think you have your feelings under control Zuko unknowingly finds a way to push you over the edge.

“I hope I wasn’t too much trouble last night,” he apologizes after drinking the last of the water. “I made such a fool of myself.”

“Don’t beat yourself up too much. I mean, you definitely were nowhere near as bad as Sokka on cactus juice,” you humor him with a giggle, earning a wry smile from the Fire Lord in return.

“That makes me feel a little better,” he admits softly, carefully wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before allowing his head to fall against the edge of the mattress. “Spirits…”

“What is it?”

You tilt your head curiously when his features turn solemn. His eyes shut close as he releases a slow breath, and after a beat passes he allows them to open so he may turn to face you. His golden irises shine with an emotion you’ve never seen him convey before, and it has your breath catching in your throat as you struggle to maintain eye contact.

“I know what I said last night,” he professes timidly, causing your heart to nearly leap out of your chest with anguish. Your face starts to burn and you want nothing more than to find a way out of this conversation, but with the rest of the group gone you know there’s no chance at escape.

“Oh… right. That,” you breathe shakily. Your gaze trails to the floor as you prepare yourself for the inevitable rejection. If you can survive a lightning strike from Azula, then you can survive Zuko taking back everything he’d side while drunk. At least, that’s what you try to tell yourself. “Listen, it’s not a big deal-“

“It is to me,” he interrupts you with a faint frown. You startle when his fingertips touch the skin of your cheek and gently guide your face back towards him. You hope he can’t feel how warm to the touch you are or hear the rapid beating of your heart. “I’d never want to put our friendship in jeopardy or make you uncomfortable.”

“Zuko, it’s fine-“ you try to interrupt only for him to grow frustrated.

“No, y/n, you need to hear what I have to say,” he demands firmly, and finally you fall quiet. He sighs, not meaning to snap at you but desperate to get the words out. “I… I meant what I said.”

“What?”

A faint blush dusts his face as he nervously grasps the back of his neck and offers you a meek smile. “I know I wasn’t exactly myself last night, and though I wish I could have conveyed my thoughts when I was in a better state of mind, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t telling the truth.”

“So you…. You do like me?” you murmur softly, your stomach fluttering with nerves as you try to process his confession. You can’t believe what you’re hearing, and a part of you thinks you must be dreaming, but the feel of his hand reaching for your own proves otherwise.

“I have for a while now,” he assures you sheepishly, “I guess I just needed some liquid courage to tell you. This doesn’t have to change anything between us if you don’t want it to, and I understand if you don’t feel the same-“

“I like you too,” you interrupt, wincing with embarrassment at your abruptness. He lets out a quiet laugh, but it’s the reassurance you need to continue. “I never wanted to tell you in case you didn’t feel the same, but then you called me pretty and I kind of lost any sense of rational thinking…”

“You are pretty,” he affirms with a tender smile, taking your hand in his own and lifting your knuckles to his lips for a kiss. “If you’ll have me, I’d like to take you to dinner tonight so I may ask to court you the right way.”

“I’d love nothing more,” you nearly swoon, enjoying the feel of his lips against your skin and the satisfaction that comes from knowing the boy you’ve loved since childhood returns your affections.

You’ll have to thank Toph for this later.

~~~

zuko taglist: @livelaughlovekuni @radicaldualism @peterparkersgirlf @rosieposiediditagain

[yenayaps]

Rose Garden Dreams; Torn At The Seams

Pairing: FireLord!Zuko x RoyalAdvisor!Reader

Content: contrary to popular belief, the fire lord can't have everything he wants. however, even he’d admit that what he wanted was troublesome in itself, which is why he forces himself to be okay with having you by his side as his advisor. [tw: MDNI, angst/fluff/smut, apothecary diaries coded, so much yearning and longing, porn with plot, there is no power imbalance he’s afraid of your father, zuko’s a little shit tho, we’re already married in his head] wc: 4.8k

m.list | chapter one | next chapter

“You want me to do your hair?”

His lips twitch, fighting back a smile. “Yes, precisely.” 

You sigh as you step into the man’s chambers, walking up to the vanity that’s more fitting for a queen, in your opinion. If only people saw this side of the fire lord. Zuko, the pretty boy. He has zero insecurities over the scar his tyrant of a father left on his face, but he’d faint at the sight of seeing too much hair shed on the marble floors of his bathhouse. 

“When you decide to have me summoned like this, do you ever wonder, hm— what would her father think?” you ask as you grudgingly pick up the boar bristle brush and begin to brush his hair. 

“I do,” he dryly responds. “I like the way you do your hair, though, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell on me. You wouldn’t want me getting in trouble, right?” 

Zuko might be the fire lord, but he still has to watch his relationships with the other clans in this nation— especially with a certain hot-headed strategist that just so happens to be your father. You can only imagine his outburst upon learning that his daughter is playing with the lord's hair, rather than playing your role as his advisor. 

Most fathers would be pleased by the information— not yours, he’s a little more… strict. He already doesn’t like him from a joke made over a decade ago, suggesting you’d make a fine concubine, which wasn’t taken lightly. 

Your father threatened to usurp the throne, sending a chill running down a then 21 year old Zuko’s spine.

There was no way in hell he’d hand you off to the imperial palace to become a concubine. You’re the only child of his that inherited firebending. If your father had it his way, you’d be a warrior, for fucks sake. 

Lord Zuko may have a dry sense of humor at times, but you have your doubts about how much of a joke that statement was, especially with how much he likes to bug you throughout the day.

Perhaps another conflict should erupt— the man has too much time on his hands. Maybe then you’d fulfill your fathers wish of finally working in the military— put your talents to use, as he’d say. 

But would Lord Zuko allow the gentle hands running through his hair to commit such violence? Or would that be when he’d draw a hard line with the aggressive strategist? 

As progressive as he is, you sometimes wonder just how much it extends to you. Even as children, he’d go easy on you during trainings. He’s only grown softer with you as the years passed. Despite not being a concubine yourself, you wouldn’t be surprised if he saw you as one of the flowers in his garden— one he’s not allowed to touch. 

You slide the hair stick through his headpiece, securing the top knot he had you redo. It looks the same, but you hold off on making a comment. “Is that better?” 

“Much better.” His eyes meet yours in the mirror, lips curving into a sly smile. “Now— what are we doing today?”

We. You hate how much he likes to emphasize that at times. 

“Well,” you sigh. “Aside from the usual council meeting, nothing much. Perhaps you can visit one of your concubines today… for once.”

He huffs out a laugh. “Are you saying I don’t fuck my concubines enough?” 

“Precisely,” you say almost mockingly. 

It’s all they ever complain about, and honestly, you’re sure you would, too, if you were one of them. Having to wake up and sit around all day, waiting for a man who never comes. And on the rare occasion that he does, he doesn’t stay long. He’ll show up, fuck the shit out of you for a couple rounds, then leave right after. Allegedly. 

“Don’t you want an heir?” you ask. 

“Depends,” he hums. 

With the way he’s looking at you, you can already tell what it depends on, and it has nothing to do with his current concubines. Lucky for you, he never gets the chance to actually say it because he gets interrupted right after, putting a conversation you’d rather not have to a screeching halt.

“The council is waiting for you, my Lord.”

—

The silk district was notoriously known for two things: brothels and bandits. It was the wild, wild west compared to the other districts in the capital due to high crime and the growing wealth gap. The governments always kept a watchful eye on it, which was never enough in your opinion. 

Are you surprised to hear that an entire brothel, including the madame, was discovered to be slain and robbed in the early hours of this morning? Absolutely not. 

“Send more military officers to patrol the area,” the chamberlain says without hesitation. “We’ve been too lenient with them. If they want bloodshed, we’ll give them bloodshed.”

Yikes, he wants to rule the area with an iron fist when they’re already clearly struggling. You can’t help but think of how much of a dictator this guy would be if he were in Zuko’s place. 

You make eye contact with the lord, who’s sitting at the end of the table right next to you. In that brief moment, he notices the concern in your eyes and gives you a subtle nod. 

“Perhaps we can send more public aid?” you suggest. “They’ve been testing out a new rehabilitation program in Republic City as well. I’m sure the Silk District could benefit from—“

“Nonsense,” the chamberlain cuts you off, wondering why you’re even here right now— he thought you only assisted in matters within the court, not outside of it. “I-“

“Careful,” Zuko interrupts the man rather playfully as he continues to read through the scroll. “That’s the military strategist’s daughter you’re speaking to.” 

The comment makes you nearly roll your eyes, knowing the only reason why he said it was because you’re having to constantly remind him yourself when he gets too close. 

The chamberlain, however, straightens up immediately. You have no idea why it took him this long to realize it. He’s been here for nearly over a year, but at least he knows now. The chamberlain can be quite rude at times, you wouldn’t want him to slip up with your father in the room. Not only would that earn him an earful of insults that are as creative as they are hurtful, but it’d also be embarrassing on your part. 

That old man embarrasses you enough when he’s around. Following you around like a lost puppy after meetings, asking if you’ve eaten and if your superiors are treating you right, while side eyeing the fire lord himself. You’d agree so yourself that he has too much power in the court. He enjoys holding it over everyone’s head even more. It’s sickening, really.

You look at the chamberlain, who is now pouting, and offer an apologetic smile. “May I continue?” 

“Yes, of course,” the old man nods, struggling to hide his shame.

Always one for games, Zuko finds himself suppressing a laugh, which in turn makes the chamberlain’s slouch worsen. He’s grown to find more and more amusement in his daily tasks, a trait his father would definitely disapprove of— good thing he’s not here anymore. 

The rest of the meeting went by as smooth as it could be, with the fire lord, of course, praising the chancellor in the end for being so well behaved, pretending to wonder what could’ve changed his usual demeanor. The usual teasings, all while you once again found yourself thinking of how light he’s become. Even after receiving such upsetting news, he stayed calm while finding a solution. 

A humane one.

No longer the grumpy, angsty boy you grew up with. He’s actually quite charming. But you keep that to yourself.

The palace grounds are empty, as they should be during the afternoon. Everyone’s off either eating, napping, or tending to duties such as cooking or cleaning. It’s quiet, surprisingly peaceful. Your footsteps echo throughout the breezeway as Zuko defies the basic etiquette of walking ahead of you as a ruler should. Instead, the bastard walks a little slower than you. If given the opportunity, he’d turn it into a mini competition of who could walk the slowest, up until you both come to a full stop, with him looking at you all smug. 

“Your chambers are this way,” you remind the said bastard as if he’d already forgotten. 

He doesn’t bother to look back as he responds, walking down a gravel path leading directly to the flower garden. “How about we take a detour today, hm?”

You watch him for a moment, waiting to see if he’d stop. He doesn’t, and you shouldn’t be surprised by it. You’re able to catch up with him in just seconds given his slow pace, this time not bothering to walk behind him as he’s clearly in the mood to be extra stubborn today.

You’re all alone and away from the hearing distance of anyone else, yet you still choose to speak quietly as you start to gently tease the man. “What a surprise to see the king taking some time to enjoy his garden.” 

He lets out a soft laugh that fades into a hum. “Only around a select few.”

“Oh, wow,” you pretend to be impressed. “How charitable.” 

“It’s an honor that you think so,” he says, placing a hand over his chest to add to the theatrics, trying not to laugh once again. “Tell me, when was the last time you walked through here?”

You hum as you walk further into the sprawling garden filled with wooden arches covered with green vines and flowers in full bloom. “Can’t say I actually remember when.”

“That’s a shame. I had the gardener plant new rose bushes,” he murmurs. “Wanted to ask what you thought of them.” 

“I think they’re lovely,” you admit, softly pinching a petal, rubbing your thumb over the velvety skin.

He smiles. “I figured.” 

They were your favorite after all. 

Why is he like this? The garden’s already filled with enough flowers. A new section wasn’t needed. 

Again, he’s just bored.

In an attempt to keep the conversation from getting any more personal, you change the subject. “Are you looking forward to your trip to Republic City?” 

At the end of the meeting, it was decided that he’d visit with the purpose of getting more information about the new rehabilitation program the city was rolling out. While the chancellor wanted to take a more aggressive approach, he decided to take a more peaceful route. It’s admirable how hands on he’s chosen to be since taking his father's place. 

“Mhm. It’ll be nice catching up with some old friends while I’m there—“ he cuts himself off and looks at you with slight suspicion, “you’re going, right?”

You never said you would, nor did you want to, honestly. It’d be nice to take a break. “I’m sure you and some of your subordinates can handle it.” 

“Weren’t you the one who came up with the idea, though?” his tone slightly clips as he reminds you. 

“I was,” you respond tentatively, taking back your thoughts from earlier as you look him in the eyes. 

This man looks like he’s about to throw a fit. 

Zuko opens his mouth again, already knowing he shouldn’t be this pushy towards you, of all people, but he is far from perfect. 

So with a forced smile and all the resolve in the world, he murmurs, “you’re going.” 

You smile back despite feeling an annoyed heat creep up your neck, heart starting to pick up. “Alright.” 

—

Imagine being the fire lord, a literal ruler, and getting the cold shoulder from your own advisor. Every answer is so curt and clinical, and it’s going to drive him up the wall. 

Yes, my lord. Of course, my lord. Apologies, my lord.

Give him a fucking break.

As if you weren’t punishing him enough, you went ahead and had two of his concubines “accompany” him on the trip. It’s not like he can say no to that, either, since it’s considered to be one of his duties. Not to mention they both come from high-ranking families that would not be very pleased to hear of their neglect. 

So now he has to deal with two spoiled, pent-up brats hanging on him during the entirety of this flight, all while trying not to glare at the biggest brat of them all— you, as you sit directly across from him, reading probably what’s some pathetic romance novel.

This is fucking ridiculous. You haven’t looked at him once since you first sat down.

You’re no better than him. There was a strike of lightning in the direction you walked off in, and given how it was a perfectly sunny day, he’s pointing his finger at you for the damages done in the east wing, despite keeping his mouth shut on the matter. Complain about being dragged to Republic City all you want, but you still have it better than most. If you really did have it that bad, you would’ve been punished for such an offense. 

Like, seriously? Blowing shit up, like a fucking child— a terrifying one, to be frank, you are absolutely your father’s daughter— just because you had to do your job? Grow up. His grandfather’s statue was shattered in the midst of it all, thanks to you. You’re lucky he never liked the bastard.

In protest, you’re dressed like a noble's daughter rather than a member of the court. Wearing the finest silk and adorned in gold imported from the Earth nation, quietly refusing to represent your actual nation as you claim to be representing your clan— proof that you have enough power on your own to be acting like he’s actively denying you of basic human rights.

As if he even cared about your attire. Be his guest! You look fucking hot. Someone might even mistake you for one of his concubines, and he might just not correct them, since you think you’re more petty than he is.

Zuko gets pulled out of his thoughts when Concubine Aika speaks, still leaning against him and rubbing on his chest. She asked what book you were reading, which is when you finally looked up from it. 

“It’s sort of an adventure novel.” You look at the cover, speaking to her with a certain warmth you’ve been depriving him of. “It’s about a girl escaping an abusive orphanage once she turns 18 and follows her journey for the next 10 years.”

So now you’re fantasizing about leaving him? Good luck with that. 

“You look troubled, my lord,” the woman to his right, Concubine Saiyo, says. She’s leaning against him as well, now tracing her fingers along his jaw. “Are you alright?” 

“M’fine,” he murmurs, trying to fix his face as he takes a sip of sake. “It’s been a long flight.”

“There’s a private cabin you can retreat to, if you’d like,” you suggest, going back to your little book, missing the way you just made the lord’s eye twitch. 

“I know,” he says. 

It’s his airship. 

Without warning, he gets up from his seat. Was it a little rude? Perhaps. But surely the two women beside him could understand what feeling hounded could do to someone. They don’t, they do their jobs and get up as well, which he understands. However, Zuko’s not in the fucking mood right now and waves a dismissive hand. 

“No need,” he curtly says, making his way to the back of the airship. “I just want to close my eyes for a bit.” 

. . . . . .

The trip starts off strong with a banquet being held in honor of the fire lord's arrival. 

Contrary to Zuko’s wishes, nobody’s stupid enough to mistake you for one of his concubines. At least not within the circle of people you’re mingling with tonight, who all recognize your family's crest engraved on your hairpin. 

They were an ambitious bunch that spread all over once Zuko came into power— reaching amongst the highest positions within the military, medicine, and even education. 

Funny enough, your position in the court was nothing special in comparison to some of your relatives’ achievements. Some are even bothered by the fact. Being the first of all your cousins to master the art of firebending, being your grandfather's favorite solely for bending lightning with the same grace as he did in his prime, all while excelling in your studies. 

All of that potential, just wasted on being the lord’s “pet”. 

You don’t have much of an opinion on the disappointment some of them have expressed in the past, though it would’ve been nice if their words had stayed behind closed doors. You didn’t want to hear any of it. If you truly wanted to make use of that said potential, you would’ve worked directly under your father as his subordinate. 

Maybe it was the result of growing up feeling like you were enough. You have nothing to prove, and quite frankly, you’re content with having a role that really only requires you to share your opinions with a ruler that shares the same ideals as you… for the most part. 

If only he’d also agree that you two spend way too much time together. 

Luckily, you’re not required to be by his side tonight since you’re attending the banquet as a representative of your clan— something Zuko had no clue about until the moment you stepped onto the airship, which had him looking like he was about to blow a fucking gasket. He absolutely sucks at masking his frustrations. You’re surprised his concubines still had the courage to cuddle up with him. He looked like he was 2.5 seconds away from throwing you off the ship mid-flight. 

Zuko would never do that, by the way, but you’re sure he was daydreaming about it. 

But even then, with all the distance between you tonight, you can still feel his eyes on you. Just watching and waiting for you to do something he didn’t like. Very masochistic considering how he wouldn’t confront you if you did end up doing something wrong in his eyes. 

You spend the entire night avoiding eye contact, which isn’t too hard given how all you’ve done is catch up with old peers from school and relatives who’ve decided to move here to start new lives. 

The relatives you got along with, that is. 

You were enjoying yourself. Truly. Until Sokka called you over to their table. 

Funny how Zuko wasn’t looking at you then and was instead stuffing his face with spicy dumplings, then downing it with whatever liquor was in his cup. 

You walk over with two thoughts running through your head— please don’t let this man be as drunk as Sokka and Aang, and don’t let this be a conversation about how work was been. Sokka tends to ask those things at the wrong time, despite his heart being in the right place. 

This time around, it’s not Sokka.

“How’s our flaming hot lord treating you?” Aang asks, throwing an arm around a very drunk Zuko, who’s laughing his ass off over the avatar’s words for once. 

Your lips may have twitched a little, as well. Only because Aang gave even less fucks when in an inebriated state. 

“Oh, you know— the usual.” You let out a lighthearted laugh, and only you notice the way Zuko’s face momentarily drops. 

The air around him quickly screams ‘don’t fuck with me’, then settles back into something more suitable for someone who’s already had half their water weight in alcohol. 

“C’mon, you can do better than that,” Zuko forces out a laugh, leaning back in his seat. 

You laugh a little harder. “Can I?”

“Yeah, you can.” 

Sokka lets out this weird, giddy gasp because he loves drama, and cuts in. “Are you two fighting?”

“No.” 

“No.”

You and Zuko look at each other after shutting down Sokka’s question at the same time. The fake smiles you’re wearing are not helping your case at all. 

“Where’s Katara? I’ve been wondering where she’s been this whole time,” you ask in an attempt to keep the energy between you from getting any more awkward than it already is

Aang grows a little pale— the instant karma feels nice. “She’s a little sick tonight.” 

There’s a bit of fear in his voice. She’s totally pregnant. Not that you say that. Instead, you just point in some random direction behind you. “That’s terrible— my cousin actually just mentioned a bug going around. I hope she feels better soon.” 

“Thank you,” the man lets out a sigh of relief, allowing himself to be delusional for just one more night. 

“What about Toph?”

“Home. Asleep.” Sokka rolls his eyes. “She’s like a little old lady now. You’ll see her tomorrow, though, she’s been volunteering at the center.” 

“Volunteering or beating everyone into submission?” Zuko murmurs, and they all erupt in laughter. “She probably runs that place like the military.”

You find yourself starting to zone out as the conversation moves on to a different topic. You’d like to blame some of the wine you’ve been sipping on throughout the night for that. Everything starts to melt together— the live music, the endless chatter in every which direction. The only thing that pulls you out of it is seeing another one of your cousins who had just arrived, waving at you, and you don't shy away from taking that as an opportunity to excuse yourself. 

Aang and Sokka were as kind as usual when you said your goodbyes. Zuko, on the other hand, was harder to read through the pathetic excuse of a smile he gave you. One only meant to save face. 

If only he knew just how much worse he makes things sometimes. Although they’re rare, this isn’t the first fight you two have been in. Perhaps you have been a little petty towards the man, but it’s not you who grows so frustrated at someone’s anger that you begin to hold a grudge yourself. 

You arrive back to your room in the early morning with the regret of not cutting yourself off from the drinks sooner than you did. You wouldn’t say you were drunk, but you were definitely tipsy as you started to shed layers of clothes and jewelry to get in the hot bath that had been prepared prior to your return. 

Aang may be childish at times, but fuck was he a great host. Or maybe it was Katara who had all of these amenities set up for you. Candles and bath salts— you could die a happy woman right now as you settle into the stone tub, taking deep breaths, letting your muscles relax. 

Twenty minutes in, you hear rattling and heavy footsteps that seem to hit the ground with more confusion than the determination an attacker would usually have. It forces you to leave the warmth of your bath, slipping on a robe. Getting hit with annoyance rather than fear may be a little foolish. Overconfident, even. But there’s still alcohol running through your veins, and you aren’t the pride and joy of your clan for no reason— you can absolutely hold your own in a fight. 

When you walk out of the bathroom, you come face to face with exactly who you were thinking of.

“Fuck,” he looks away for a moment, regretting his decision thinking it was okay to just walk in. 

Zuko didn’t think you’d be bathing, for some odd, stupid reason. Judging by the fact that he’s still wearing his usual day clothing and his hairs not up in a bun, it’s safe to assume he went straight here after leaving the banquet. 

You let out a long sigh. “God— what are you doing here?” 

You don’t even sound mad— just disappointed that you have to see him once more before you lay your head to rest, which slightly hurts the man’s ego. Truth be told, he came here to argue with you, but even in his drunken state, he’s finding it quite difficult to do so since he looks like a fucking pervert now. 

“Your comment from earlier— what the hell was that about?” Zuko sounds more wounded than anything right now. 

You cross your arms, leaning against the door frame that connects the room to the bathroom. “What comment?”

“The usual,” he says with air quotes. “Do you not like me anymore or something?”

“You’re seriously asking me that right now?” Your face twists, just dumbfounded at this point. “You ask me that as if I don’t work for you?”

He scoffs. “So what, you’re saying I’m not your friend now?”

“I mean, yeah— you are, but I’m still your subordinate at the end of the day,” you attempt to spell it out for him, trying to get it through his brain that he can’t just act like you two are a pair of besties. 

But he just continues to argue with you. 

“Really? ‘Cause last time I checked, people don’t fight their superiors.” 

No, they do not. You’re not sure why you even tried to make that an argument, the line between you has blurred a long time ago. 

“You know what, just— forget it.”

The thing is, you're not the best at taking accountability. Most of the arguments you’ve had with him have been swept under the rug after a while. Zuko's not having that right now, though.

“Hm— actually, no— I don’t think I will,” he stubbornly says. “You have been punishing me for fucking weeks now and now you just want me to forget it?”

Punishing him?

You roll your eyes, muttering “oh my god” under your breath, not even bothering to look him straight in the eyes anymore as you walk to the nightstand and pick up a small jar of body cream. 

“We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow,” you say dismissively, rubbing the jasmine-scented cream into your hands. “I need to go to sleep, and so should you, honestly.”

It doesn’t matter how well he can handle his alcohol— he reeks of it. 

“I’m trying to talk to you right now so I don’t have to deal with your attitude tomorrow,” he says, as if he hasn’t had an attitude himself the last couple of weeks. 

“Don’t worry, you won’t have to,” you murmur back. 

What feels like minutes pass after your pathetic attempt to settle your issues with him. At first, he just lets out a sigh, trying to keep his composure, but then he laughs under his breath. 

“So that’s it?” he asks in a condescending tone. “We’re all good now?”

“Yes. Goodnight, Zuko,” you hum. 

More silence follows after. You can just feel his eyes on you despite still facing away, now reaching for some hair oil, waiting for him to leave.

He never does. Even after working the product into your hair, you have yet to hear the door to your room close, making you grow wary. 

There are many things telling you not to turn around at the moment— your blurred mind and tensed body. But even you make mistakes, lots of them with Zuko, and so you finally turn around. 

His lips are on yours. 

You don’t know how long he’d been standing directly behind you, you never even heard his footsteps. All you know is his hands are snaked behind your neck and he’s kissing you and you’re letting him.

It takes you a moment to realize you’re kissing him back— too focused on how soft his lips are, how his tongue glides across your lower lip before slipping inside, so commanding yet so gentle. 

Then you sober up— pressing your palm flat against his chest and pushing him back so you two can look at each other, eyes wide and filled with instant regret.

“What the hell was that?” you try to snap at him, but the sharp edge was dulled from the start, already fearing what’ll change between you from this moment forward. 

“I— fuck,” he stutters, taking another step back. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

Immediately, you cut him off. “No, you shouldn’t have and you know that.”

“I know.” It sounds like a plea coming from him as his chest tightens. “I’m sorry.”

Even you start to look apologetic, which breaks his heart a little since you did nothing wrong. The one who crossed the line was him, after all. “You should go. You’re drunk.” 

He opened his mouth to respond, but then closed it shortly after. There was nothing to say. 

And so he slowly nods and turns around, still in shock by his own actions as he begins to walk away, leaving you to deal with the aftermath of what the fuck just happened on your own. 

This was going to be the longest work trip of your life. 

notes: i hope u guys enjoyed this first chapter!! this was supposed to be a oneshot but then ideas kept popping up in my head and i thought, why don't i just turn this into a longfic like defiance lol. the plan is to follow these two around throughout a couple arcs, with the first one being them trying to navigate their feelings and attempting to go back to normal while trying to fix the shit show in the silk district.

TAGS ARE CLOSED

All rights reserved © 2026 yenayaps. Do not copy, repost, translate, or modify my works in any platform. Do not feed my works into ai and do not turn them into chat bots.

[ryoride]

ꮼ firelord!zuko is a lovesick man when it comes to you

ᦸ sweetheart boyfriend!zuko is a hardcore yearner ⸝⸝ not proofread.

boyfriend!zuko is a very sympathetic man; he hates to see you in any amount of pain—trying to help any way he can, from making you tea to heating a bag of rice with his flames so he can rub it over your aches in an attempt to soothe.

He'll expertly rub the tense muscles on your back or carefully hold the hot bag over cramps, just happy to make things easier for you.

boyfriend!zuko has a glow whenever he sees you, a softness only you get to know. He's still kind to the others and to his friends and puts on a brave face to the nation—strong & honorable—but you see when he collapses into you after a grueling day.

Vulnerability has never come easy for him, but it's never as hard when it comes to being vulnerable and 'weak' in front of you; it's comforting, actually.

boyfriend!zuko loves when you're cuddled up in bed & lie on top of him, claiming him as your 'special heated blanket.' He finds it oddly endearing when you tug his arms around him and burrow into his skin.

Having you pressed up against him, so content and comfortable, is always so grounding after a hard day.

boyfriend!zuko lets you play with his hair in private, twirling it in your fingertips, scratching his scalp, or just running your fingers through it whenever he's lying on your chest.

Your fingers tangled in the long strands always make it easier to sleep—he's typically out within five minutes flat whenever you start youing with it.

boyfriend!zuko doesn't hide how much he cares for you; he's had countless moments in front of his men where they've caught him holding, kissing, or just touching you for reassurance, & his only reaction is to be annoyed they didn't knock first.

He's not afraid to be honest; he's in love. There's no point in being with someone if you're not in love & not at least sometimes affectionate.

boyfriend!zuko loves whenever you start yapping. He's a rather quiet person, so he adores it whenever you start going on and on about something. It could be the most mundane, uninteresting thing, & as long as you look happy talking to him, he's listening.

It's so sweet to see the way he looks at you once you start your ramblings—the soft spot is very visible with the smile on his lips.

boyfriend!zuko likes to kiss your shoulder a lot. Waking up in a tangled mess of limbs? Expect a kiss on your cheek. Getting ready together in the bathroom? Expect his arms wrapped around you and kisses on your shoulder. A moment alone? You get it. Expect a kiss on the shoulder.

It feels more intimate than a plain kiss on the cheek, and he likes the variety of reasons he can come up with for kissing your shoulder.

boyfriend!zuko is surprisingly gentle; obviously, he'd never be mean to you, but everything between you has this soft, loving undertone.

From the tone of voice he uses, how he speaks to you, & how calm he is around you, everything is serene. He does his best to never be anything like his father. Its so sweet how he treats you.

[orellazalonia]

Can you write a Bucky x reader fic that has the red string of fate/invisible string soulmates theory? I haven’t seen anyone write these and I think it could be kinda angsty and fluffy

Hello there, dear! I loved this idea, very unique. I think this turned out more angst than fluff, but I can definitely write additional follow ups to include more fluff later on! Hope you enjoy it and thank you for the request! Happy reading!!!

Tangled Threads

Summary: You’ve always felt the red string of fate for better or worse, but when it finally leads you to Bucky Barnes; both of you avoid each other, too afraid of ruining the other. Over time, the unspoken tension wears you both down until a forced confrontation finally brings the truth out. (Soulmate AU! | Bucky Barnes x reader)

Word Count: 3.4k+

Main Masterlist

You’d never believed in soulmates.

Not really. Not the way some people did, anyway. Like the ones who walked around with hearts in their eyes and poetry in their throats. The ones who would obsess over the faint, red threads that sometimes coiled around their pinkies like destiny’s leash. Or those who made dating decisions based on whether the string tingled or tugged, like a compass spinning toward fate.

You didn’t have the luxury of romantic idealism. Not when your string had spent the better part of a decade ruining your life.

Every time you tried to date someone or every time you flirted with a guy in a bar, went out for drinks, or even let someone kiss you, the string would pull. Tug. Burn. Like it was punishing you. And worse than the pain, worse than the guilt that bloomed inexplicably in your chest, was how it always ended the same way.

Knots. Tangles. Snaps.

The relationship would basically implode. The person would leave, or you would. One guy had even blamed you for making him feel “haunted.” He said he felt like there was always someone watching him when he was with you. Another girl you tried to date had burst into tears during dinner and said she couldn’t stop thinking about someone else, someone she’d never even met.

You didn’t know who your soulmate was and honestly, you didn’t want to. It wasn’t romantic, this invisible leash tied around your soul. It was exhausting. Unrelenting. And frankly? It made you bitter.

So you stopped dating. You stopped looking entirely and threw yourself into work.

As fate would have it, that’s when you were recruited to work logistics for the Avengers.

It was supposed to be your fresh start. You handled team schedules, mission support, resource allocation, and emergency routing. You kept your head down, did your job, and ignored the fact that the red string on your finger never stopped humming faintly.

But then came James Buchanan Barnes, arriving late on a Thursday, trailing quiet steps and old guilt. You watched his arrival from the corner of the control room, fingers curled around a lukewarm coffee mug. He didn’t smile and he barely spoke. He was all shadow and silence, hunched shoulders and downcast eyes. You tried not to look. Tried not to care.

But the moment he entered the building, your string flared. It was like someone had grabbed it from the other end and yanked.

You had gasped as the mug fell from your hand and shattered on the tile.

Everyone turned toward the sound, but you didn’t see them. Your vision had narrowed to the throb in your finger, to the ache in your chest, to the man who hadn’t even looked your way. A stranger. A storm in a suit. You turned and fled the room before anyone could stop you.

That night, you stared at your ceiling, wide-eyed, red string pulsing faintly under your skin. You knew what it meant. Knew it in your gut. Knew it the way birds know where to fly in winter.

Your soulmate had arrived. However, you told yourself it was just a coincidence.

The red string pulsing against your finger? It was reacting to stress. Nothing more. You’d been tired lately, maybe spent too many long nights in the compound and dealing with too many high-stakes missions on the board. That had to be it.

But that lie didn’t hold when Bucky walked by you for the third time that week in the hallway, his steps heavy, his eyes fixed straight ahead; and still, the string pulled.

And it wasn’t subtle. Not the kind of whispering ache you were used to. No, this was worse. The thread practically yanked toward him like it knew him, like it had been waiting years to be close again. Every time he got near, your body reacted before your brain could stop it. Your heart would race. Your lungs would freeze. And that thread would burn under your skin like fate was trying to dig itself out.

So you kept your distance.

You shifted your schedule. You took your lunch breaks earlier. You stopped using the gym after hours and switched to morning training, even though you hated mornings. You turned the other way when you heard his boots in the hallway, and when you had to be in the same room whether it be for briefings, tech updates, or field intel, you sat at the opposite end of the table. Silent and still.

You didn’t speak to him. You didn’t even look at him. Not that he noticed anyways. Or so you thought.

What you didn’t realize and what you couldn’t see, was that Bucky was avoiding you too.

He had noticed you the moment he arrived, even if he hadn’t looked. Not directly. Not openly. But he’d seen you. You were the one in the back of the room with the broken mug, eyes too wide, mouth set in a line too tight for a casual expression.

And then you’d vanished like a ghost.

He felt… off after that. There was a sensation in his chest he couldn’t name. A quiet wrongness. Something half-forgotten and buried deep.

So he started walking different routes through the compound. Skipping meals he didn’t want just to stay out of the kitchen when you were there. Ducking out of gym sessions early. He didn’t speak to you either. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he couldn’t. He didn’t know why he felt so tense around you, so hyperaware, but it made him feel cornered.

And afraid.

He’d spent years under control, under programming, under orders. Soulmates were a fairytale. A luxury. Not something made for someone like him, someone HYDRA had hollowed out and filled with blood.

And still… the red string that had dulled during his Winter Soldier days now hummed faintly every time you passed. He refused to look at his hand, refused to follow the string. And maybe you mistook that for indifference. Maybe he mistook your silence for hatred.

So the two of you danced around each other like gravity and defiance, orbiting but never colliding.

But the string? The string never gave up. It tangled tighter. It pulled harder. And it waited for one of you to give in first.

-

When you weren’t avoiding Bucky, you did get to meet a lot of the people you worked with and for. Of course, you weren’t close to many people at the compound.

But Sam?

Sam Wilson had a way of sneaking into your life like sunlight through blinds. He didn’t try to crack you open or ask too many questions. He just showed up.

You bonded over coffee at first. Both of you were early risers, though for very different reasons: you, out of anxious insomnia; Sam, out of habit built in warzones and battles. Eventually, those quiet mornings became more than just caffeine. They became small check-ins. Casual jokes. Breakfasts shared across mission briefings. Banter that made you feel less like background noise and more like a person.

He never pushed. But he noticed. Especially when it came to Bucky.

At first, Sam chalked it up to coincidence.

The way you’d leave a room the moment Bucky entered. The way Bucky’s shoulders would tense whenever he sensed you nearby. How neither of you ever looked at each other, even when seated at the same table. At first, Sam thought maybe something had happened between you like an argument, a disagreement, or maybe even a past mission gone bad.

But then he started noticing the timing.

The way Bucky took the long route to the gym. The way you checked the corridors before turning into them. The way your fingers would twitch toward your covered hand like something itched beneath the skin. The way Bucky kept glancing at his hand when he thought no one was watching.

That was when Sam’s brow started furrowing.

Because he’d seen the red string of fate work before. He’d seen it between two agents back in his SHIELD days, an unspoken bond visible only under certain lights, but always felt. He remembered the tension, the ache, the gravitational pull people fought even as it dragged them closer.

And he saw that same tension between you and Bucky, but worse.

Because you weren’t just soulmates avoiding each other. You were ghosts haunting each other. Two people pretending not to bleed from the same wound.

Even Steve noticed too.

The Captain didn’t say anything outright, he rarely did honestly, but he lingered longer in rooms where you both occupied opposite ends. His gaze flicking subtly between you. He frowned when Bucky avoided eye contact. He narrowed his eyes when you left too quickly, your knuckles white around your clipboard.

Natasha, on the other hand, didn’t bother pretending.

“You’re not subtle,” She told you one evening, arms crossed as you reviewed intel in the common room.

You blinked at her. “About what?”

She raised an eyebrow. “About him.”

You flushed. “I’m not… there’s nothing-“

Nat cut you off with a shrug. “You can lie to yourself. Just don’t expect it to fool anyone else.”

And then she walked off, leaving you burning with the realization that the others weren’t just noticing, they were waiting. Waiting for the moment the string snapped or finally pulled taut enough to bring you both crashing into each other.

However, it was Sam who decided he was done waiting.

You hadn’t noticed how often he brought Bucky into conversations with you. It started off casual at first, asking your opinion on mission tech when Bucky was in the room, suggesting both of you work on the same security drill. You kept dodging it. Sidestepping the awkwardness. Swallowing your discomfort. But Sam wasn’t blind.

One morning over coffee, he finally leaned in across the table and said, “You know… you can’t outrun a red string.”

You stiffened before slowly looking up.

Sam didn’t smile. He just looked at you in a calm and unbothered way, but his expression was knowing.

“Is that what this is?” You asked quietly. “You think he’s…?”

“I don’t think,” Sam said. “I see.”

You looked down at your hand, hidden under your sleeve.

“It’s been burning since the day he arrived,” You whispered.

Sam’s voice gentled. “Then maybe it’s time to stop pretending it’s not there.”

You didn’t respond. You couldn’t.

So Sam just nodded once and added, “If you won’t say something, I will.”

You thought he was bluffing so you changed the conversation and let it go.

-

Meanwhile, Bucky was having a considerably hard time as well. He didn’t mean to notice, but he did.

He noticed everything, really. Supersoldier senses, it was a curse he couldn’t shake, a leftover from too many years being trained to sense threats before they moved. But you? You weren’t a threat. Not to anyone but maybe him.

You were the one person he hadn’t been able to read. Not because you were guarded, though you were, but because being near you made something in him short-circuit. Your presence wasn’t like anyone else’s. It was too still. Too loud in a way that had no sound. Like something had been missing in him for years, and you were the reminder of it.

So he continued to avoid you, but he didn’t stop watching.

He noticed how often you sat with Sam in the mornings, how the two of you laughed over quiet jokes and mismatched mugs. He noticed the way you let your shoulders relax around Wilson. Like relax, in a way you never did around Bucky. Not when you saw him. Not when you passed each other in the hall and he kept his eyes on the floor.

You looked safe with Sam.

And it twisted something in Bucky’s chest that he didn’t like to name.

He told himself it was good. Better, even. That you should be around someone like Sam who was someone stable, someone warm. Someone who hadn’t been forged into a deadly weapon like him. You deserved easy mornings and easy friendships. You deserved a soulmate who didn’t have a kill list longer than your entire history. You deserved someone who wasn’t haunted.

He told himself the ache in his ribs every time you laughed with Sam was just guilt. That it wasn’t jealousy. But the thread on his finger tightened every time.

And when he caught the way Sam looked at the space between you and Bucky; the unspoken one, the thread-pulled one, he knew.

Sam knew.

But Bucky still wouldn't do anything about it. Because if he acknowledged it, if he gave in, what then?

What if you hated him for it? What if the string only existed to remind you both that fate was cruel? That the universe thought it was funny to pair a bruised heart like yours with someone who'd broken a hundred others with his bare hands?

So he didn’t speak, didn’t reach out, nor explain why he left every room you were in like it was on fire.

But the rest of the team saw it all. And Bucky could feel the confrontation coming. Like thunder in the distance.

-

It was Sam who finally shattered the stalemate.

You were in the tech wing, running diagnostics on the quinjet for tomorrow’s mission. The lab was quiet, humming with low light and LED glow, and you were just beginning to enjoy the silence when the door hissed open and you heard his voice.

“I thought this hangar was clear.”

Bucky’s voice. Dry, flat, and instinctually distant.

Your head snapped up and there he was. Standing in the doorway, a tablet in one hand, brow furrowed in that perpetually tired way of his. His eyes met yours for half a second before you looked away.

“Sorry,” You muttered. “I’ll finish later.”

You started to pack your tools, but Bucky didn’t move. He didn’t walk in but he didn’t walk out either.

Then, suddenly:

“Oh, for God’s sake.”

Both of you turned, just as Sam Wilson stormed through the opposite door.

He looked between you like a fed-up parent catching two stubborn kids refusing to apologize.

“I knew it,” He muttered, pointing a gloved finger between you both. “You two. You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what?” You asked sharply, far too quickly.

Sam gave you the flattest look imaginable. “That ‘I’m avoiding him but also vibrating like a tuning fork every time he enters the damn room’ thing. You’ve been doing it for weeks.”

“I haven’t-“

“Yes, you have.”

He turned to Bucky. “And you. Man, you’ve been walking the long way around the building just to dodge someone you haven’t even spoken to.”

Bucky’s jaw tensed. “I didn’t-“

“Don’t.” Sam cut him off. “You two are tied together like moths to a flame and it’s getting real uncomfortable to watch. Just talk. Ten minutes. That’s all I’m asking.”

You opened your mouth to protest, but Sam was already stepping out the door. The door closed behind him like a gavel.

Silence followed, thick and immovable. You didn’t dare move as you were still gripping the edge of the diagnostics console like it could anchor you, but it couldn’t stop the sting behind your eyes.

You could feel him.

Even with your back turned, you knew Bucky hadn’t left. You could sense him, feel him, just like always. That subtle magnetic pull low in your gut, the electric hum at the edge of your skin. The red string wasn’t just glowing now.

It was buzzing.

You didn’t need to look to know it arced across the space between you like a live wire. Still, you didn’t move. You couldn’t. Because you weren’t ready to hear what he might say. That this wasn’t real. That he didn’t want it. That you weren’t enough.

“…I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” He said, voice rough.

The sound of it broke something open in you.

Your throat tightened. “You didn’t. I just…” You swallowed, still not turning around. “I figured you didn’t want anything to do with me.”

A pause.

Then, quieter: “That’s not it.”

You turned slowly.

He was standing near the wall, not quite meeting your eyes. His shoulders were tense, jaw set like he was bracing for a punch. Your voice came out in a whisper.

“…You feel it too?”

God, your voice. It hit him like a bomb shell.

He nodded slowly. “Since the moment I saw you.”

You flinched, like that was worse. Like it made things harder, not easier.

“I didn’t think I’d ever feel it again,” He said quietly. “HYDRA… what they did to me, whatever magic’s in this string, it… it went silent for a long time. I thought it broke. I thought I broke it.”

You stepped closer, the red between you pulsing brighter. Bucky’s chest ached with the way your eyes held sorrow instead of hope.

“It came back when I showed up,” You stated, not a question. A fact.

He nodded again. “And I ran from it. From you.”

“Why?”

He looked away.

Because I don’t deserve a soulmate, he thought. Because I’ve hurt too many people to believe someone could be mine. Because if I touched you and you pulled away, I think it would kill me.

“I thought…” He exhaled shakily. “I thought the universe was playing a joke. Giving me something good just to watch me ruin it.”

Your gaze softened. That pain in your eyes, that was familiar. Too familiar. He saw himself in it. All the years of pretending you didn’t need the thread. All the little heartbreaks you must’ve carried in silence.

“I thought the same thing,” You said quietly.

You stood inches from him now. The string was glowing full-force, twisting gently between you like it had been waiting years for this moment. You could both feel it pulsing like your hearts hammering in your chests.

You lifted your hand. So did he. And then, finally, you both touched.

It wasn’t magic. Not really. There were no sparks or flashes of light. But the moment your fingers brushed in that slow, hesitant, gentle way, everything settled. The ache. The noise. The burning uncertainty.

It went quiet.

The thread between you pulsed once, deeply, and then simply rested as though it had been holding its breath this entire time.

You exhaled. So did he.

“Hi,” You said softly.

His voice broke around the answer. “Hi.”

Neither of you moved at first. Your fingers were gently wrapped around Bucky’s, his calloused palm tentative against yours, like he wasn’t sure if holding you would make the thread vanish or knot tighter. You half-expected to feel overwhelmed. But instead… everything in your chest finally stopped clenching.

Even though you felt peace, still, you hesitated.

“Just because we’re connected…” You began quietly, eyes flickering to the thread that now glowed with an even, steady rhythm between your hands, “…doesn’t mean we have to do anything. We don’t owe it anything… or each other.”

Bucky’s eyes lifted slowly to meet yours. You expected resistance, or maybe guilt. But instead, he gave you the smallest nod.

“I know.”

You blinked. “You do?”

His jaw worked for a moment like he was chewing on the words before speaking them aloud.

“I’ve had enough of people making decisions for me. I’m not gonna do that to you.” He swallowed. “If you want to take it slow—or walk away, I won’t stop you.”

You could see it, feel it in him. That deep, worn-in belief that letting go was the only good thing he had to offer. The way he held your hand like he expected you to pull away at any second.

But you didn’t.

“I don’t want to walk away,” You said. “I just… want to breathe for once. And not feel like I’m ruining something just by existing.”

That caught him off guard. He flinched, not from your words, but from the echo of them.

“Yeah,” He whispered. “Me too.”

And the thread didn’t demand anything. It didn’t pull you closer or tighten like a leash. It just existed as a steady tether, a presence, like the quiet hum of a heart still beating after the worst of it has passed. Still glowing. But content, now. Patient.

“I don’t know what we’re doing,” You admitted quietly.

“Me neither.”

You hesitated. “But I’d like to figure it out.”

Bucky didn’t say anything at first. But after a long moment, he held your hand a little tighter almost as a confirmation. You gave him a small smile, finally feeling like you didn’t have to rush toward something. You could just… sit in it. Let the connection exist without a name. Without pressure. Without promises you weren’t ready to make.

The string between you flickered once. Steady and. Not binding. Not demanding. Just waiting. And for the first time, you weren’t afraid to wait with it.

[painted-flag]

I'LL BE SEEING YOU - b.b

☾⋆⁺₊✧ part of my Marvel soulmate series, found here. .𖥔 ݁ ˖ bucky barnes x fem!reader .𖥔 ݁ ˖ warnings: allusions to past trauma, therapy sessions, and angst (with a happy ending). .𖥔 ݁ ˖ music telepathy soulmates. (6.6k words) .𖥔 ݁ ˖ you always passed by the man with frost-coloured eyes when leaving therapy each week, but did not know how much he could impact your life.

i'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places that this heart of mine embraces -billie holiday

The stifling atmosphere of the neatly arranged and sterile-like room was both unsettling and comforting. It had become a ritual to sit on the irritatingly comfortable couch while facing Christina Raynor’s analytical but also somehow scrutinizing gaze. As a person, she was fairly agreeable. As a therapist, she was as sharp and poised as her time on the battlefield; an experience that is both healing and disquieting. 

You were reaching the end of your session and began to feel the familiar sense of dread. It was a struggle to show up to these sessions as unwillingness and avoidance often clawed at your throat, but after you arrived, it would feel horrible to leave. It is a weird form of torture. 

The coolness of the room had you shuffling in your seat as Dr Raynor readjusted her grip on her mug of what you could only assume was a now-cold cup of coffee. The earthly and intense smell of the drink had permeated the air, stifling out the low-burning and almost empty vanilla candle on her desk on the other side of the room. 

“Setting your studies aside,” Dr Raynor took a momentary sip, “Have you painted lately?” You remained silent, still reeling from the interrogation-like assault she gave you moments ago about your studies. There was not much to tell; you had not bothered to go back to campus since… 

Feeling the intensity of your shutdown, she pivoted her angle, “What about work?” Your arms crossed over your chest as if it could shield you. 

She let out a sigh that was neither exasperated nor encouraging, “Selective mutism as a trauma response to what you’ve been through is common. Through these sessions, you’ve gotten quite better, though. Wouldn’t you agree?” Dr Raynor’s leg crossed over the other with her foot bouncing slightly as her head tilted to watch you. 

“I guess.” You mumbled as you broke eye contact to look down at your hands that rested in your lap and picked at your cuticles. 

“What about your soulmate? You mentioned that there was a change in music type last week.” Dr Raynor pushed further. A lump formed in your throat that you struggled to get rid of. 

“Yeah, uh,” Your nose sniffled as you inhaled, “It used to be all swing music. You know, stuff from like the 30s or 40s. But lately, there was some new stuff. Uh, Fleetwood Mac I recognized, some Jim Croce, Pink Floyd, The Clash. All the classics, I guess. Mainly Fleetwood Mac, I think they like that the most.” 

Speaking about your soulmate has always been a rough topic to touch on. When you were young, you would spend all of your free time next to a scratched-up pink Barbie CD player that was covered in stickers, some slightly torn off. Every disk you could get your hands on around your house would be stacked up in piles next to it. Methodically, you would go through each one, hoping that they could hear it.  

Silence. 

All you ever got in return was silence. 

For years, you held on to the belief that they would respond. Some brush of notes to hit your ears, or possibly the lilt of singing. Nothing ever came. Not until a few years ago. Though it was only ever 30s and 40s music. There was a small fear that they were possibly some geriatric person in an assisted living facility who had reached the end of their days. That would not be unusual, the bond did not necessarily mean a romantic connection. It could simply be platonic, though that was rare. 

Dr Raynor moved her hands gently to convey her words, “Maybe you could respond? Play what they play. Put on something else.” At your continued silence, she sighed loudly, “Simply communicate.” 

“I don't…” Your eyes caught sight of the clock across from you and noticed the time, “We’re out of time.” You got out of your seat as quickly as you could without looking too rushed. Dr Raynor recognized the play you were making, but let it slide with nothing but a quirked brow. 

“I will see you next week.” She responded. You nodded back gently, slightly flushed from the embarrassment of leaving so rudely. The door was a welcome sight, and your hand gripped the cool steel of the handle. When you yanked it open, your attention was focused on the floor. 

As you turned to go down the hallway, your boot-clad feet thumped against the manilla-tiled floor. Since you were stuck in your own world, you did not notice a figure as you turned down a hallway. 

It was like you hit a rock-solid wall. Abrupt and alarming, you almost would have fallen over if it were not for the strong arms that moved quickly to grab your forearms and stabilize you. When you finally looked at the person who you ran into, you sucked in a breathe. 

You knew him from brief moments as you left your sessions with Dr Raynor and he went in. Bright, icy blue eyes bored into yours. They were startlingly cold, but also somehow warm at the same time. It was like standing outside on a late winter’s afternoon and feeling the warmth from the sun on your face for the first time in months. His hair, dark and cut short, complemented his eyes. Under the leather jacket he wore, it was easy to see how well built he was. 

You were not an idiot, nor unaware of world news. You knew who he was, or rather knew the rumors of who – what – he was. Is he still active in the field? The answer was not entirely clear, but you did know those days as a weapon were likely long behind Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. Hell, you remember your history teacher nearly drooling over the Howling Commandos during the WWII unit. 

It was just your luck that you happened to run into the incredibly mysterious but equally incredibly handsome man. 

Of course, your luck has always been shit. The familiar voice in your head sounded off. 

“You alright?” He asked you. Holy shit, his voice. 

Your mind was too cloudy to think of a proper response, not that it mattered much; it was difficult to talk to people, especially those you did not know. 

You nodded meekly and shuffled out of his grip, suddenly very aware of how close he was. Once free, you gave him a shy smile as a thank you before quickly making your way to the exit. The rapid thudding of your heart did not let up the further you left, and there was a nagging feeling in the back of your head. 

It was like an itch you could not scratch, only awakening after stumbling into him.

“Ah.” Dr Raynor put her mug of half-empty coffee on the small table beside her armchair as Bucky walked into her office. “Right on time.” 

Bucky barely managed to resist rolling his eyes as he moved to sit on the couch in her space. He bit the inside of his cheek as he recited the same mantra he always did at the start of these sessions. 

Only an hour. You can make it through an hour. 

He was less than satisfied at being forced into this office for an hour each week. Dr Raynor was not exactly pleasurable company, especially when her eyes seemingly pierced through his skin and read the soul which lay underneath. If he had a soul. 

Bucky knew he had a soulmate, so that must mean he had a soul, right? That was not something he wished to think about, even less while going through his court-mandated therapy. 

“So,” Dr Raynor clicked her pen and leaned back into her chair with a notepad, “How has your week been?” 

“The same. Just as they always are.” He put in no effort to disguise his dry and emotionless reply. Dr Raynor clicked her pen, pinched it between her fingers, and tapped it against the notepad as she tilted her head at him. 

“The same?” 

“The same.” Bucky reaffirmed. Another click of the pen, followed by a light sigh. 

“You’re going to keep making this difficult, hm?” 

Bucky shrugged, “I don’t know what you mean.” He often found some sense of humour in dodging her questions and sought to do it as much as he could. Dr Raynor, however, never tolerated it for long. 

“Alright, you don't want to talk about that.” She mumbled while scribbling some notes down on the page, “How about a checkup? Did you listen to my suggestions?” 

“I uh,” Bucky reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled slip of paper, “I didn’t listen to all of them, just a few.” 

“And?” Dr Raynor stopped tapping her pen and quirked a brow. 

“They’re not all bad. I liked uh,” His eyes scanned the list to find what he was thinking about, “Fleetwood Mac.” Bucky still found himself struggling to differentiate topics and names, often preferring to write things down in order to keep his mind from running away.

Dr Raynor nodded, “That’s good. Any response?” 

Bucky leant back in his seat, baffled that she would touch such a sore topic for him so early on in their appointment. He imagined walking out of the room right then, but he knew that would only make their next sessions even more tense, while he would also technically be in violation of his court-ordered conditions. 

Before his life turned into the nightmare it became, he could remember how disappointed he was as a child, having heard no music growing up. Absolutely nothing. It took a chunk out of his heart each time he heard Steve speaking about the latest song he had heard. He had been happy for his friend, but it ached to not have it himself. 

The paper in his hand crumpled as he tilted his head to crack his neck slightly. His jaw was clenched, and he could feel the ache begin to build in his muscles. Dr. Raynor was silently waiting for an answer with those same calculating eyes he had come to both rely on and dislike. 

“No.” Bucky nearly spat it out, but restrained himself. 

“Well, perhaps if you–” 

“I don’t see how relationship advice is conducive to helping me deal with my shitty past.” Bucky interrupted. He could see a certain look in Dr. Raynor’s eyes, like she had thought of something in that moment. 

“Conducive? Ah, did not know we were using big kid words.” She tapped her pen against the pad rhythmically while both of her brows raised in challenge. 

Bucky’s voice remained monotonous with an ounce of sarcasm. “Now, that is definitely not okay to say as a therapist. You know, I should report you for–” 

“Well, you’ve been acting like a kid.” She reciprocated his attitude and cut him off, “Increasingly so, as of late.”  

Bucky stayed silent, not wanting to continue speaking and make the hole he dug himself into bigger. Dr. Raynor let the silence sit over the room and settle in. He noted when they had begun her sessions that she was just as good at weaponizing silence as she was with words. 

“You spoke about hearing their music during your time as him and the first few months after you stopped. But not much since. Is that still correct?” 

He huffed, “Yeah. It’s been a while.” 

“Well, maybe you could listen to more music. Communication is important.” Dr. Raynor put down her pen to reach over and pick up her mug of coffee on the table that separated them and took a sip. 

“Maybe they’re dead.” Bucky pushed back. He said it with a more joking tone, but deep down, it was a running fear that surfaced each day. Dr. Raynor put her mug down and looked at him with disappointment. 

“Do you truly believe that?” She questioned. 

“Yes.” There was little hesitation in his voice. 

“You would have felt it. All I am saying is that it may do you some good to communicate. If not for your soulmate, then for yourself. Get up to speed with the times.” She clicked her pen, “Now, let’s talk about your sleep. Has anything changed since last week?” 

Bucky sighed and decided to get somewhat comfortable. The same mantra repeated in his head. 

Only an hour. You can make it through an hour.

The gentle breeze of a late spring afternoon cooled your warm skin as you walked through a quiet Brooklyn park. Fresh air always worked when clearing your mind. This park, and the subtle getaway from the cluttered city, was always welcome. The sounds of the city were only a hum in the background that you could ignore as you tried to ground yourself. 

The day had started poorly. It was not a big event that set you off, but small inconveniences that added up. A wake-up alarm that did not start, an accidentally burned breakfast, and an expired bag of coffee you did not know about until you took the first sip were excusable. The final straw was when your jacket got stuck on a doorknob in your apartment, causing you to jerk backward. It took a few calm breaths in and out to think clearly. 

That was how you found yourself in this park, desperate to grasp any shred of sanity you had left for the day. 

It was in this contemplative mood that you lost all awareness of your surroundings and walked across the small trail mindlessly. At a sharp turn, you felt yourself slam into something hard. Hands shot out to grab your forearms and stabilize you. Your eyes glanced up to see who it was with words of apologies on your lips, but nothing was left. 

Fuck. Again? 

You bumped into him again? 

Your face flushed with embarrassment at having bumped into the Sergeant Barnes. Again. As if you could not be any more mortified at your actions. All of the inconveniences you faced that morning seemed inconsequential now. 

He probably thinks you are a klutz who can’t even walk straight. 

“Woah. You alright there?” Bucky’s voice grounded you more while a look of recognition passed through his eyes, “I saw you at Dr. Raynor’s office.” 

It was hard to get words out, and your mouth opened and closed a few times with no air passing through. You swallowed the saliva in your mouth. Your arms crossed over your chest like some sort of protection as you mustered the courage to speak. 

“Uh, yeah.” You coughed lightly to clear your sore throat, “Sorry. It seems I’ve made a habit of bumping into you.” The words made you want to shrink in on yourself. Each time you talked to someone, it felt like each word you chose was weird and not something a real person would say. However, Bucky continued as normal. 

“Well, it’s not so bad,” He said, sticking his hand out, “I’m Bucky.” 

You hesitantly reached out to shake his hand, being startled by how large it was compared to yours and gave him your name. He repeated it once, and you tried to ignore how it made you feel a flutter in your stomach. 

Something came over his face, along with a slight flush. 

“I’ll not keep you any longer. Have a good day.” Bucky quickly spoke. Before you could respond, difficult as it may be, he left you standing in the park alone. You watched him leave and paid close attention to his strong shoulders and back. Blushing, you turned away and kept walking on the route you originally planned. 

It was only after he left that you were able to feel an itch at the back of your head. 

By the time you got to your apartment, after wandering for another hour, the corner of your small living room beckoned you. A small shelf, shaped into four square sections, was filled with vinyls that had long accumulated dust. Sitting on top of it was your record player, an Audio Technica that you managed to get on a lucky Black Friday sale. The plastic case that covered it had a thin coat of dust on it. 

You stood there for a few silent moments, contemplating the choice you now have in front of you. 

Dr. Raynor thought it would do you well. Communicate. Simply communicate. Has it ever been simple?

You walked forward, reaching to grab the familiar blue sleeve of the record you used to listen to daily. Slipping the vinyl out, you used your other hand to lift the turntable cover and place the record on it. You gently positioned the tone arm and the cueing level with muscle memory, positioning it at the second-to-last track; the song you used to play erratically every day. 

Once everything was all ready, you sat down on your couch right beside it and let the familiar tones reach your ears. Sunlight by Hozier played through the speakers as you closed your eyes. 

Maybe they were listening. Maybe they could hear as well. 

When the song was over, you got up to stop it. Your breath ceased as you waited for some response. Anything like when they were playing music a week prior. 

Minutes passed and there was nothing but the sounds of the city outside your window. A distant siren, some frustrated driver honking their horn, and chattering crowds. When there was no response, you huffed with disappointment and put the vinyl away. 

As you made a move to walk to your kitchen for some much-needed food, the sound of a piano caught you off guard. It sounded slightly grainy with age, and the familiar voice of Billie Holiday was ushered in with an alto saxophone. It was familiar, and you could remember your grandfather playing it for you when you visited. ‘I’ll Be Seeing You’ was a personal favourite of his and yours. They were playing a song. 

It was at a low point in your life and you wanted the comfort of his company. He put on a record, and suddenly it felt like a warm blanket had been put over your shoulders. The melody calmed you. 

They heard. They heard and they responded. 

The fuzzy feeling in your body took hold of your heart and you decided to sit back down on your couch and let the sound soothe you.

You were sitting in Dr. Raynor’s office with your leg bouncing with impatience. The room was cool and a refreshing change from the increasing heat outside. The end of your session was nearing, and you wanted nothing more than to rush home. You wondered what your soulmate was doing at this moment. 

“And what has changed since then?” Dr. Raynor’s voice broke you from staring at the clock mounted on the wall behind her. 

“Well, they responded. It's become a habit for us now. I play a song, they play one back, and then it repeats.” Your hands were folded in your lap, squeezing one another like it was some kind of support. 

“That’s good,” Dr. Raynor scribbled something down in her notepad. “Communication like that is important to foster.

“Except it’s mainly stuff from the 30s and 40s.” You interjected. Frustration had begun to build in you. At how long this session has felt like, at your inability to express emotions well, the on-and-off ability to speak that you so desperately wished to have control over. 

Dr. Raynor stopped writing, “Well, they have a particular taste, then.” 

“With my shitty luck, they’re old and in a care home.” You spoke dryly. Dr. Raynor shifted in her seat and her head tilted with a familiar disappointed look. There was a glint in her eyes, like some unknown secret. 

“You may be surprised by how the world works everything out.” She responded. 

“Why do you always say that?” Your frustration had gotten the better of you, “This everything works out schtick.” 

“In my experience, it does-” 

“If that were true, then none of what happened to me would have-” Your voice had steadily risen, only for you to cut yourself off. Taking in a deep breath, you grounded yourself. “I’m sorry. That was out of line.” 

Dr. Raynor placed her notepad and pen down on the coffee table and got out of her chair. She walked over to one of the bookshelves in her office that held a speaker dock. 

“What was the first song you played that got a response?” She asked. Your vision glanced back at the clock and noticed it was almost time for you to leave. 

“We’ve only got a few minutes left.” You noted, but she only turned back at you and waited for an answer, “Sunlight by Hozier.” 

Dr. Raynor nodded and turned back to type it into her phone. She fumbled around for a moment. “I was never good with tech.” 

Before long, the familiar song was playing again through the speakers. You sat in silence while listening to the melody play. Dr. Raynor appeared not to mind it, though you do recall from one of your sessions many months ago that she had a preference for heavy metal and not much else; so this was definitely a change. You remembered being surprised for only a moment when she told you that, but thinking about it more, it did not sound surprising at all. 

You gradually got up and grabbed your bag as the song came to a close. “I’ll see you next week.” 

Dr. Raynor smiled as a goodbye, and you took that as a cue to leave the room. When you turned down the hall that led to the exit, you spotted Bucky making his way in. He was dressed in his usual colour of black, except this time it was riding leathers. Your cheeks burned at the sight of his biceps straining against the leather jacket. 

He gave you a small grin as he passed, “Morning.” 

You nodded back and tried not to stutter at the sight of his frost coloured eyes, “Morning.” It was only one word, but it felt like it took all the effort you had just to say it. 

Bucky watched as you continued on your way, mentally cursing himself in the process. With your back to him, he could finally let his shoulders slump, and a sigh passed between his lips. 

Morning? That was all you could think of? You sound like a recluse. 

It had been decades since he last attempted to flirt with a lady. Clearly, there was work to do. Though he never intended to try and fall back to that side of himself again. He used to be so smooth, eliciting giggles from the ladies he would pass. 

That Bucky was buried deep in the snow at the bottom of a ravine in the Swiss Alps. 

However, slowly, painfully slowly, he had begun to resurrect the battered corpse of his former self. Each new day was an attempt to breathe life into it, but it was not always successful. Some days took what little he had given, resetting him back to the beginning. 

He tried, he really did try to bring his old self back, but he was not Dr. Frankenstein at bringing that corpse back. Most days, he just felt like the monster. 

Walking into Dr. Raynor’s office, he stopped immediately. She was fiddling with her phone on a dock, and suddenly the familiar sound of the song that had been repeating in his head for the last week came through the speakers. 

“Sorry,” She muttered while fiddling with it, “I was never one for technology.” 

“What-” Bucky swallowed as she turned the song off abruptly, “What was that song?”

You were relaxing in the gentle atmosphere of a hole-in-the-wall record store on some side street you happened to stumble upon during a mindless walk. With the routine you had started with your soulmate, you had begun to get low on albums you had not played for them and decided it was best to pick up a few more. Pricey, yes, but worth it. 

Being swept up in the rows of organized boxes full of more vinyls than a person could ever listen to in their life, you did not notice the person near you until their looming shadow towered over your figure. You were startled out of reading and glanced up to see Bucky standing right by you with an amused look on his face. 

“I’m starting to sense that I should wear a bell.” He spoke first. You tried to recover and steady your breathing, but it was difficult to cool down near him. It seemed your body was always set alight. 

“Well, at least I did not bump into you this time.” You retorted. Suddenly, you felt self-conscious. How long had he been here? Did he see your horrible posture as you slightly hunched over to view the records? 

You did not have time to overthink as he laughed at your response. He laughed. Not at you, but at something you said. 

“True. What brings you by here?” Bucky asked. It was then that you understood that he wished to have a conversation with you. You had thought your timid nature and dry responses would have him back off, but he has not. 

“I’m running out of new records. Looking for something new to shake things up.” You spoke. Bucky nodded and smacked his lips together as he appeared to think. 

“You takin’ suggestions?” He asked. You nodded stiffly, still nervous around him. Bucky walked over a few aisles until he reached a specific section, and you noticed what was there. 

Of course, this was the stuff he must have listened to before… 

Vinyls from the 20s, 30s, and 40s cluttered up the space, organized by decade and inside each by genre. He looked comfortable here, as if he had spent countless hours puttering around it. 

“Well, you could never go wrong with this.” Bucky searched through a square section and pulled out an album. The familiar covers brought you back to childhood, wrapped in the comfort of your grandpa’s arms as music played through the room. 

“Already have that.” He looked surprised at your answer and you clarified, “My grandfather was a fan. Lead Belly, Blind Willie Johnson, Louis Armstrong, Duke Ellington, and-” 

“Billie Holiday,” He finished your sentence and put the record back in its spot. “Well, your grandfather had good taste, but that rules this one out. Hmm.” Bucky glanced around for a moment. You could tell he was very familiar with this section. 

“Here.” He pulled one out and showed it to you, “Count Blaise’s greatest hits.” 

“Sounds familiar. I think I’ve heard some of his stuff.” You accepted the vinyl and took it, nearly fumbling when his fingers brushed against yours. You flipped it to the back, partly to read but also to try and cover your cheeks that are likely more red than you would care to admit. 

“You know this section well,” You spoke, “I imagine it must be a little overwhelming coming back and having to catch up on all this.” You hoped you did not push the subject of conversation too far, but he appeared not to mind at all. 

“Overwhelming is an understatement. I don’t think I could ever catch up, but I’ve been exploring the seventies and eighties lately.” Bucky spoke. Your eyes lit up at that, and you gestured for him to follow. 

“What have you listened to so far?” You asked. 

He sighed and thought for a moment, “Jim Croce, Pink Floyd, The Clash. Though I prefer Fleetwood Mac the most.” 

You nodded and glanced around the new section the two of you walked into, “Then another recommendation from the early eighties.” Fingers skimmed over some of the record sleeves, flickering between them before finding what you were looking for and handing it off to him. 

Bucky held it in his hands and scanned the front, “Siouxsie and the Banshees?” 

“Good group. That's Juju, but Tinderbox is another good album.” You paused for a moment before speaking again, “Now, this may be a little out of your current comfort zone as it's the nineties, but I cannot in good faith allow you to leave this shop without it.” 

You moved down a few more sections and grabbed another vinyl case. You held it out in your arms like you were a kid presenting their science fair project with glee. 

“The Cranberries?” Bucky looked at it with skepticism. 

“One of the greatest groups to grace this planet.” You informed him. Bucky reached out and took it. You could have sworn he intentionally brushed your fingers that time, but shook that thought from your mind quickly. It was a dangerous game to play, to pretend there was something there, especially with a man like Bucky. It was hard not to though, he was too damn good looking. 

“Then I’ll try both.” Bucky smiled at you. A momentary pause happened between you two as you simply looked at one another. You became more flushed under his gaze and shifted your weight from one leg to the other. 

“Well, I, uh, have to go.” You awkwardly gestured with the pointing of your thumb to the exit. Bucky appeared to snap out of his thinking and nodded. 

“Yes. Uh, thanks for the recommendations.” He vaguely swung around the records in one hand. A fluttering feeling bloomed in your stomach. Who knew he could be adorably awkward? Giving him one last nod of goodbye, you turned to go to the register at the front and leave him be. 

Hours later, you were still contemplating that short conversation as you were making dinner. You knew your appointment with Dr. Raynor was the next day and a part of you was almost excited. Those brief moments of passing by Bucky as he was on the way in had become as ingrained into your routine as mealtimes. You looked forward to seeing him and catching a glimpse of those frost-blue eyes. 

As you sautéed some vegetables, a familiar song started to play in your head. You froze in place as you identified it. 

Siouxsie and the Banshees. Siouzsie and the fucking Banshies. 

Clarity hit you right in the head, and you moved to grip the counter as realization flooded over you. It added up, it all added up. The lack of music in childhood, the 30s and 40s songs always playing, and the introduction of bands from the 70s and 80s coincided with his exploration into other decades. It was all so obvious you could hit your past self. 

No. No. No. No. This cannot be happening. 

It explained why you were so comfortable talking to him despite your struggle with mutism. It explained why he had so easily and quickly become a fixture in your life, even if the presence was small. And it sure as hell explained why your heart could not stop beating erratically when those diamond blue eyes looked your way. 

Bucky Barnes was your damn soulmate.

You were nervous, more than usual. Dark circles hung under your eyes, indicating how little you had slept that night. It was impossible to get even an hour of rest. Your bedsheets were crumpled because you turned over more times than you could ever count. He was your soulmate. There was no other explanation.  

Music played in your head as you entered the building to Dr. Raynor’s office and walked down to hallway. The song your soulmate – or rather Bucky – played after you reached out consumed your head. Billie Holiday’s melodic voice echoed around your brain. 

I’ll be seeing you in all the old familiar places, 

It was weird, being in a headspace where you were thinking so intensely but also unable to fully understand it. The closest feeling you could attribute it to was that haze you have between sleep and awake; there, but not truly there. 

That this heart of mine embraces, all day through, 

Now, as you made your way to Dr. Raynor’s office, you knew you would have to mention it. You were fully convinced that if you did not fess up yourself, she would be able to tell you were hiding something immediately. The woman was a bloodhound for finding secrets. 

In that small cafe, the park across the way, the children's carousel, the chestnut trees, the wishing well, 

You tried to ignore it as you turned down another hallway and approached the slightly ajar door of Dr. Raynor’s office. Your gaze immediately went to the speaker dock in the corner of the room, the same song playing in your head was playing through those very speakers. What the fuck?

I’ll be seeing you, in every lovely summer’s day, 

Turning to the figure out of the corner of your eye, you spotted Bucky standing there. His eyes were soft, but his posture was stiff like he was nervous. It was a weird emotion to see on him. Your mouth was open in slight shock. 

He knew. He had to. 

Fuck. What do you do now?

“Hey,” You finally spoke after moments of silence. 

Hey? 

That’s what you say to your soulmate?

“You know,” Bucky responded. It was not a question, but a statement said with trepidation. Was he… scared? The air in the room was cool, but tense. 

“I do. Last night, when you played that album I recommended. It uh, it all came to me.” You were not sure what else to say. As much as you struggled with speaking, talking with him before you knew he was your soulmate had been surprisingly easy. Now, there were expectations and outcomes thought to come from this connection that felt paralyzing. 

“When did you find out?” You asked. 

Bucky took a step closer to you, “Last week, when you were leaving your appointment. Dr. Raynor played that song, and though I had no concrete evidence,” He took another step closer. “It felt right.” 

“Oh,” You nodded slowly, mouth still open, “Disappointed then?” You tried to cover it as a joke, but inner you was frightened. You felt inadequate, or maybe not exciting enough. You had a regular life, normal and as non-adventurous as most. But would he even care for that? 

He took a final step to be right in front of you, speaking with his voice low as those familiar frost blue eyes gazed into yours. 

“Absolutely not.” He whispered. You did not know when the song ended, but suddenly the room was thrown into silence. Nothing but the sound of your light breathing remained. 

“Of all the songs to respond with, why this one?” You asked. 

“When did you first hear that song?” Bucky asked back. You would be lying if you said it took a while to find that memory. It was burned into you, something that you turned to in dark moments. 

“I was young. Bad day at school, well, bad days. My grandpa was visiting home and was there when I came home crying. My parents, uh, worked a lot,” You sniffled lightly, pushing away at the burn in the back of your eyes. “He held me in his lap and played his favourite songs. That one stuck with me the most.” 

The corner of his lips twitched upward at your heartfelt expression, and you felt one of his hands grab yours. He looked down to fiddle with your fingers as if it was hard for him to maintain eye contact before he spoke. 

“I wasn’t frozen when that song played. I was, he was, on a mission. It was the first time hearing it since they took me-” His voice cut as he let out a shaking breath, “It brought me right back to before… all of that.” 

You used your free hand to capture the one he was holding your other with. Your fingers rubbed smooth, methodical circles on the back of his hand. It felt like instinct to comfort him, like a part of you relied on it. You wanted to sway the topic as it clearly was not something Bucky wanted to delve into this early.

“How the hell did you get Dr. Reynold’s in on this?” There was curiosity in you about how he set this up. By now, your appointment was supposed to be happening. 

“It was actually fairly easy to convince her. She knew for a while.” Bucky answered. Your face shot up to look at him and your brows furrowed. 

“She knew?” You would have been angry, but it was so like her to know. She dug up secrets like it was nothing. “And she didn’t say anything?” 

“HIPAA or something like that, I guess,” Bucky answered. The two of you shared small smiles. 

“Of course she knew.” You let out a quick laugh. Bucky raised his hand that was clasped with yours and tugged you a little closer. Red flushed over your face, and you could swear his super soldier hearing could hear your heart rate pick up. 

“I still haven’t listened to that other album you recommended. I was thinking you could come over? I’m a little intimidated, after all, it is outside my current comfort zone, as you put it yesterday.” Bucky uttered with a tone of playfulness you had yet to hear from him. 

“You? Intimidated? I doubt it.” You respond with a teasing tone. 

“You know, I’m trying to subtly ask you out.” He reasoned. 

You quirked a brow, “Subtle? Music playing, a surprise meeting, and a confession? Yes, very subtle, Sergeant.” 

Something darkened in his eyes when you addressed him like that. You swallowed some saliva that had built up in your mouth. His eyes scanned over your face like he was trying to memorize it as much as he could, as if you were at risk of being taken away. 

“You gonna give me an answer?” Bucky remarked. There was something on his face akin to fear as he waited for a response. 

“Yeah, I’ll come over and listen with you.” Your voice whispered, entirely too afraid to think this was all a dream and you would wake up any moment. He smiled gently at your answer and his posture perked up. 

“Good. I’ll make you dinner as well.”  He spoke the words like a promise. 

“Dinner? Well, now you’re spoiling me.” You tilted your head. It was nice seeing something other than a straight face or a scowl on him. 

Bucky came alive with that smile, and you wanted nothing more than to keep it that way. 

Bucky pulled you in closer with your hands quickly moving to land on his chest. “That’s the plan, doll.” 

It was not intentional, the change that your apartment underwent in the following months. It was subtle at first, but swift. The vinyl shelf acquired more additions over time, those that he would bring over. You would do the same when you went to his place for a dinner date and a listening session. However, it became more frequent at your place. 

Soon, it was not only the records that moved over. A drawer full of his clothes turned into multiple, the toothbrush sitting in the cup on your sink got a friend right next to it, books on your shelves were intermixed with his, until one day Bucky was simply there. 

There was no need for an official declaration or a fixed time for him to fuse so fluidly into your life. Truly, you two were always together through time. It was only natural for time not to keep you apart any longer.

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[anika-ann]

The (Un)Expected - S.R.

Type: one-shot, soulmate AU, good ol' meet-cute (soulmates meeting for the first time prompt)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader   Word Count: 8k

Summary: 

A soulmark shows the first words your soulmate will speak to you. A soulmark tells you there is the person for you out there. A soulmark tells you what to expect.

For that, Steve’s is a source of comfort and anxiety to him. You always had a complicated relationship with yours.

But maybe they will teach you a lesson in the end – that the only thing one should really expect, is the unexpected.

Warnings: brief angst, mention of cancer (not reader), canon-typical violence, mention of death (no major character), blood and injuries, language, FLUFF so take it easy on sugar before reading

A/N: written for the Community Revival Extravaganza hosted by the wonderful @stargazingfangirl18 and @labella420 . Thank you both so much for hosting and stirring life in the fandom! I loved seeing the traffic and positivity on my dash - you're doing god's work 💕

A/N 2: DIVIDER by @firefly-graphics; enjoy y'all 🥰

Steve Rogers was a sickly child.

He spent too much time to his liking in his bed – and even more time outside of it despite feeling sick for he couldn’t bear resting anymore, craving to explore the world instead – and was sneaked into a doctor’s office by his mother quite often as well. She only got him in as a favour, courtesy of her own good name – a nurse working double shifts and lending a helping hand wherever she could, a single mother working herself to a bone to take care of and set example to her only son.

A single mother, a nurse, a good person – a beautiful soul. She left this world too soon, but she left an imprint on Steve’s heart larger than any other person, perhaps besides Bucky, ever could.

All that told him, even as indirectly, that his soulmate would be one special dame. She would be kind, she would be brilliant and for that alone, he knew she would be beautiful.

Steve knew that as soon as he could read, as soon as he could decipher the words on his skinny forearm.

In a world where first words your soulmate would tell you were laced into your skin for you and your soulmate’s eyes to see only, his words told him his soulmate was a little miracle.

'I’m not a doctor yet.'

Steve had spent a fair amount of time around nurses and doctors to know that all nurses were women and the overwhelming majority of doctors were men – by the time he was ten, barely a few women were allowed to attend medical schools, let alone graduate. But you, you would be on your way to reach that. Brilliant. Driven. Desiring to help people, to heal.

It was only when other children, other guys and girls alike, began laughing at him for being too little, too weak, too bony, when his heart began to ache for a different reason than illness. If you were to be all these amazing things he had dreamed of, what were you to do with a sickly fella like him? With your words to him being these, it was a fair assumption to make that you would meet due to his health issues, perhaps a smart dame taken under a more experienced doctor’s wing during your studies. How disappointed you would be when your soulmate, the one person meant for you and chosen by destiny itself, would be… that?

That upsetting idea haunted him, hurting more than the bruises that had formed under fists of bullies Steve kept trying to save those even weaker than him from, more than stick and stones and words alike.

Then again… there was a little silver of hope in his heart, a little shy voice in his head. If you were to be his true love, then certainly you’d accept him, yes? If he tried, if he tried hard enough to be a good man, the best possible version of himself, if he worked hard to protect and feed his future family, set a good example for your future children as his mother had, worked towards making a better world, you’d accept him? If he could live with not being as great as others but never stopped trying, you would respect him and perhaps even loved him for what he was?

Then, of course, war came and those thoughts were pushed aside.

Then, he grabbed at his chance to fight that war, to do his part, to help – and incidentally, he also earned his chance to literally grow. Healthy. Strong. More worthy; but remaining good, because that was the one part of him he wanted to hold on to no matter what, that one part he would wish his love, wherever she was, would love him for, even if he suddenly shrank back into the back of skin and bones he used to be.

Then, he lost his best friend Turned into a failure.

And then… then he died.

One of his last thoughts were of you, a beautiful woman with vague appearance but strikingly kind heart and sharp mind. He prayed you’d get a new soulmate somehow, even as those cases weren’t heard of. He prayed you’d live a happy healthy life without him, at least as good as he would have tried his best to give you, to build with you, even as his own heart was breaking to pieces, regret veiling his body as water and snow and icy wind would, regret for missing his chance to meet the most special person in his world.

When he closed his eyes and still saw the white of ice and the blue of the deep sea, he’d swear he saw your face, crystal clear, for the first time – and the last time – in his life.

Seeing you, a stunning mirage, his last thought was that you were an angel gently leading him into afterlife.

When he woke up to a new millennium, one of the first things he did was checking his forearm; he words still sat there, taunting, mocking and heartbreaking, another screaming reminder of him not belonging here.

As years passed by, the sense of alienation subdued. Steve Rogers learned to belong, even as a piece of his heart was missing, longing for the past life – and the life he had never got to have – always humming in his chest quietly.

The mark on his forearm remained, a sad memento to a soulmate he had never met, turning him into a martyr.

But many people had rejected the idea of soulmates in this time, rebelling against their so-called fate, taking off on a path of searching love on their own. Steve learned they did so for various reasons – a sense of adventure before they’d truly find their one true love, a quest to choose the fortune and love on their own terms, a fuck-you to the universe when their soulmate turned out to be less than they imagined and hoped.

His own reasons, as he reluctantly started to look for a person to share his life with, were rather unique, but no one looked at him through their fingers for that. If anything, those who cared about him encouraged him, wishing for his happiness.

It was only when he got Bucky back – one of his greatest regrets not erased, not lessened since Bucky had endured unimaginable pain, but transformed, a piece of Steve’s past brought back to life – that he began to wonder about the almost blasphemous thought he had forbid himself from entertaining when he had been first brought back to life from ice.

Were you still there somewhere?

And then, a shier thought:

Is there still a chance for me to find my true soulmate?

And then, the shiest one of them all:

Is there a chance for me to find happiness with you?

When he had thought of that before, he was certain that since you were still alive – he had read reports of people claiming their soulmark changed colours if their loved one died – he had thought of you as an old lady who had hopefully lived her life as he had genuinely wished for her.

But what if fate, that little minx who had taken his best friend for life from him only to give him back, had somehow blessed Steve with a soulmark decades before you were even born? What he hadn’t lost his chance, what if you were still young enough to build a life with him? Was that even possible? There were aliens, flying suits of armour, other realms, downright magical weapons… he had been given a second chance at life. There were things happening Steve would have never thought possible before. So was there a chance…?

The idea of you being a doctor became much more plausible too – in this century, female doctors were a much more common occurrence. That, naturally, did not diminish your brilliance whatsoever, the fundamental idea of who you’d be never changing in Steve’s mind. The image only became less surreal in one way and a whole lot more surreal in another.

For his own sake, he didn’t give in into that hope fully; at least he told himself that despite lying awake at night, a ghost of a woman he had never met lying next to him, radiating non-existent warmth he wished with his whole being he could touch.

He wasn’t chasing after the ghost, didn’t allow himself that – there was no way to do so to his knowledge anyway – for the chances of success were rather slim.

But there was always hope, wasn’t there?

And the longing for love, whether it was in the hands of fate or in his own to find it, remained, built into his very body; etched into his bones, flowing through his veins, laced into his skin beyond the words on his forearm, always humming quietly in his heart.

In the age of information and science, the concept of having your ideal partner for life chosen by some mysterious abstract entity called Fate was literally otherworldly. Alien. Absurd even.

And yet, it still ruled the lives of many.

Which, in all honesty, was almost even more fascinating than the existence of soulmarks itself – the belief people had for them despite being no logic to them at all.

Perhaps it was the little piece of human soul, an inner child people so desperately wanted to cling to for its own beauty and purity, a child who never wanted to stop believing in magic, fate, dragons, mighty knights and kind-hearted ladies, in all things of fairytales and happy-endings the most. Because to a point, that was what soulmarks were – and little fairytale-like book of destiny.

One that not even science seemed capable of beating.

And you should know; you were somewhat of a scientist yourself. And despite how unfathomable the nature of soulmates was, you could not say that you rejected the idea of them, of someone who was born to belong with you, someone you could share your life with, the right partner in the crime of life. Basic bodily needs aside, wasn’t that the most fundamental need of all? To love and be loved; to belong?

Who wouldn’t wish for that reassurance that they could have that, that some strange force of universe itself created a person like that for them? They were the god’s strongest soldiers you supposed; because you were certainly not immune to that tempting comfort.

But you weren’t obsessed – and you prided yourself in the fact. Mostly because the sheer fanaticism of the world over soulmarks, the one thing that kept defying science – besides alien portals, magical blue cubes, demigods walking the Earth and things alike – was dialled up ad absurdum.

There could be billions of dollars poured into research of curing cancer. Cure autoimmune diseases. Helping the homeless. Slowing down global warming. Erasing poverty and famine. Protecting nature, endangered species. Discovering new worlds, exploring space.

But no. Governments poured billions of dollars into researching soulmarks. How was it they existed? How was it you could cut through skin, you could cut off skin and the mark would reappear somewhere else? What was the grand scheme of them? Why was it that only two people who belonged together could see them and the person speaking the words could only see it on their soulmate’s skin after they spoke the words, almost like a fail-safe that couldn’t seem to be broken with any tricks?

It wasn’t a question of physics as far as people knew; they had tried to build sets-up of various optics, thermovision cameras and complex sets of lenses and mirrors, and none of the reports you had ever heard of claimed success. It wasn’t genetic markers either; no one had discovered a sequence of DNA responsible for soulmarks, let alone turned whatever discovery they would have made into a tool of reading anyone’s but their own and their soulmate’s mark. It didn’t seem to be chemistry either; no one had made a groundbreaking discovery or at least they hadn’t informed the scientific or any other community so far.

But by gods, forget the space race. Attempting to be the first one to somehow read everyone’s soulmark and then create an algorithm to monetize it as the one and only soulmate dating app, now that was a competition overflowing with cutthroat madmen. Not to mention the crowds looking to temper with soulmarks, to make another one appear on someone’s body; or worse, to erase the original soulmark and instead design one capable of manipulating the outcome of a soulmate match.

You found the force of that obsession insane – and frankly, all the attempts morally wrong. While dedicated to science and loyal to discovery, you found soulmarks to be something sacred, one of the things that should not be touched by filthy human hands; god knew humanity, while doing a lot of good, had mucked up about just as much.

You were not alone in that belief. There were, in fact, numerous demonstrations against scientists experimenting with soulmarks, people protesting against anyone creating such tool and using it to temper with natural course of things no one fully understood, not for the lack of trying. However – as expected everywhere where politics and money were involved – these protests were in vain.

They were as vain and futile as the research of the marks itself.

As for your own soulmark, you had a rather complicated relationship with it.

On one hand, it gave you a sense of peace – there was someone for you, even as sometimes it did not feel plausible at all. You had time too – because based on those words, you would not meet your soulmate until in your twenties at least. You had plenty of time to become who you were meant to be before a man could turn your life upside down, even as that was not supposed to be what soulmates did, at least not in a bad sense of the word.  

On the other hand, it was a ball and chain. You would not find you soulmate sooner than in your twenties and sometimes, you missed them despite not having met yet. When imagining what your meeting could be like based on their first words etched into your skin, you feared they might be a little disappointed – even as you did not let that stop you from pursuing the life you wanted. And despite you wanting to choose the career either way, it felt like someone – be it god, fate or another cosmic entity humanity was yet to discover – had chosen the path for you the moment you had been born if not before.

'Doctor, are you alright?'

Four simple words that couldn’t be more ordinary and yet extraordinary for they represented one of the most meaningful encounters of your life. The source of as much comfort as anxiety.

You couldn’t stand hospitals ever since you were a child. The cold environment reminded you of the strange icy feeling that had settled in your chest over the months you had been visiting your dying father, your naïve eyes watching cancer bite off his energy and smiles first, before it swallowed his whole body and soul. He had been a ghost long before he passed; and in your mind, despite all rationality even years after, that ghost haunted any hospital you visited.

Learning what your soulmark was as a child, you had spent countless nights crying, soul torn into pieces, pushed and pulled between the visceral desire to live up to your soulmark and the crippling nausea at the mere thought of dealing with people drowned in misery caused by any illness in the cold institution they called a hospital.

However, the curious kid you had been, you had fallen in love with science itself.

And that one day at school, when a classmate of yours had brought their father to the class to talk about his job as a doctor, you had burst into tears. You began to sob in the middle of him explaining to third-graders that he was not a medical doctor, but a physicist with a doctorate earning him the degree of a doctor as well. You remembered your teacher leading you outside of class, concerned and absolutely baffled, trying to sooth you helplessly even as you were completely inconsolable – because you did not need consolation.

You were crying the happiest, most relieved tears of your life.

You could still be a ‘doctor’. And you genuinely wanted to be one, not just because of what your soulmark read. You had always wished to help people indirectly, even as you looked back at your life now. Sure, your soulmark could have been adding fuel to your drive when your motivation had been running low, but this was who you desired and was meant to become.

A molecular biologist. A doctor in making. Researching the effects of medicinal drugs with hopes to improve them.

A scientist not researching soulmarks, thank you very much.

And yes, there was the lingering feeling of missing a person you hadn’t even met yet – especially when Doctor Simmons’ face lit up like fluorodeoxyglucose in PET scans whenever she saw Doctor Fitz – but you had other things to focus on. And you had time. There was no pressure.

You were not a doctor yet, after all.

Naturally, just because you dodged the joys and sorrows of being a medical student and later on, a medical doctor, it did not mean that you had it easy. No one working on their doctorate did. But when you decided to pursue your degree and work in research, you signed up for that.

You signed up for a lot of things.

It was a little peculiar for you to be on the SHIELD campus in the science division without a doctorate. It was a known fact that SHIELD only recruited best of the best, this Science ad Technology in particular: you needed at least one doctorate to even walk through the door, which was something you were reminded a lot because you did not meet that requirement and here you were.

But SHELD owned the best equipment and you were fortunate enough to get in by the lovely game of fate, being good and driven enough and having met the right people at the right time. SHIELD Academy’s Science & Tech division had the unique equipment you often needed for your research. Your research was interesting enough for people who had perhaps more power over your little life than fate itself. Stars aligned.

It was no walk in a parc, but you were no fool; jumping after that opportunity after having one too many doors shut into your face was a no-brainer. Even though it meant signing up for a whole extra load of shit.

You signed up to be the weird girl. The privileged girl. Hell, even the stupider than local average girl, because you were only an engineer at this point.

You signed up for being the young girl, even as you had met a few people there who had started younger, having actually earned their first PhD at age 17 or less.

You signed up for mockery and misogyny, for as you were aware the level was blissfully low here compared to other workplaces, especially where science was concerned; in exact science, you observed, more than anywhere you ever heard of, it was customary to keep that one insufferable employee, because they were simply that good at their job, no matter that they had cost the department a few other employees.

You signed up for living on campus with other SHIELD recruits, which meant living in close quarters with other divisions; as a result, some days the whole area seemed to swim in testosterone emitted by the hulking special agents in making from Operations.  

But that was okay. You could do it.

There were bright sides too, many of them. Like pursuing your dream career. Being among like-minded people whose brain, to a large point, ran on the same wavelength. Hooking up with a handsome but notbrainless recruit from Operations or Communication here and there, some flings, some relationships, because if you were to wait for the love of your life, you might as well not wither completely. You were only human and you had needs along with your lifegoals.

You more than willingly signed up for working with Agent slash Doctor Jemma Simmons.  With her two PhDs and rich experience from the field, she had left the action behind in order to work on her third PhD and help humanity without having her life on the line every day. She was hard-working, with no-nonsense approach and lovely sense of humour with plenty of stories to back it up; she was overall pleasant person to work and be friends with and despite having been through amazing and terrifying experiences other people couldn’t even imagine, she remained surprisingly down-to-Earth.

Sure, she had her quirks like insisting on having a gun at hand at all times and stashing a few small vials of altered Molotov cocktail, a mixture of chemicals which would ignite upon the vial breaking, in one of the nearby cabinets – but you supposed there were worst things to get used to than that in a coworker or a friend. She used to be an active agent after all; in fact, unofficially, she remained one. Much like anyone, you knew that certain habits died hard and being through what she had been – she confessed to you that she once spent months on a nearly deserted ancient planet, among other things – left a mark. If this made her feel safer, you’d take it.

Another great thing about Jemma, Doctor Simmons, was that she was adorably English and was in dedicated relationship with Doctor Fitz who was a Scotsman, so that was the spice of long workdays at times; especially if you agreed to play Scrabble with them and a few friends in the evening.

But there were things you had not signed up for when following the alluring promise of a prestigious spot and unique equipment.

And one of them was a damn Nazi revival group in the form of fucking HYDRA attacking the lab while you were in the peaceful process of waiting for your PCR to finally be finished.

Influx of men in full tactical gear interrupting Jemma updating you the vacation plans, Fiji and all the rare species of fishes that could be observed there when scuba diving.

When you heard the first shouts, breaking of glass and dull echoes of gunshots from afar, your immediate thought was that you had been having a good day and that the experiment had been coming along nicely – and that whatever mess was happening was for sure about to ruin all your progress.

By the time panic settled in, Jemma was practically tackling you down, hand over your mouth to muffle your startled squeak at the sudden movement, her eyes alert and serious, screaming at you to keep quiet.

The sickening shouts of HAIL HYDRA, COOPERATE AND YOU’LL GET HURT LESS was what sent your brain crashing into reality; that and the distant agonized cries of people, coworkers and recruits you knew and met in the hallways every day, following the sounds of gunshots growing in volume and frequency.

You could hear Jemma shuffling next to you further.

You yourself were unable to move beyond stifling a cry behind your suddenly sweaty palm as another female voice wailed in pain.

Blood seemed to freeze in your veins despite your heart thundering in your ribcage and your temples and it helped you shit at all that you were aware that was such thing was literally impossible. By the time Jemma’s hand grabbed yours again and squeezed hard, you realized you were shaking – half in anger, half in paralyzing fear, half in utter shock. It didn’t matter it didn’t add up.

What mattered was the gun in Jemma’s hand. She was holding a gun, ready to shoot, because there were enemy agents, fucking HYDRA burst through the door, guns blazing. And killing people.

You were whispering with exasperation worth of a shout before you knew what you were doing.

“Why?! Why the fuck-“

“Probably the samples they brought in today, precious cargo,” Jemma whispered back frantically, loading the gun and reaching into another cabinet behind her. You only stared at her in utter confusion and mute horror, rapid heavy footsteps approaching and sending your already racing heart into a madness. “Gun or cocktails?”

“I can’t shoot a-!”

Before you could finish, the familiar sound of the sliding door opening and a horrifying echo of tactical boots reached your ears, a set of vials pressed into your palm.

You gulped, pulse thundering in your temples.

Those goddamn Simmons’ cocktails as you named them since she had insisted on keeping around.

You couldn’t believe the moment was here that you were actually grateful for them, even as they seemed to burn in your hand even with the vials themselves intact.

Your eyes snapped to Jemma’s face to question it wordlessly at least, but she wasn’t looking at you; she was listening intently, lying in wake as if she was the predator and not the prey you felt like.

Your own breathing seemed too loud as you allowed yourself to squeeze your eyes shut for but a moment, a desperate attempt to wake up from the nightmare; but the morning didn’t come.

Instead, a gunshot rang in the room, glass shattering somewhere above your head to your right, sending a waterfall of shards flying next to you.

And causing you to cry out in fright.

Which revealed your position to the agents flowing into the lab.

Without a thought you snapped your eyes opened, jumped to your feet and threw two vials in the direction of a black blur with a shockingly clear red patch of the mythical Hydra monster in the middle; peripherally, you saw Jemma attacking as well, deafening noise of gunshot nearly blowing your eardrum.

You crouched back behind the counter so fast you felt vertigo swing you to the left, sharp pain erupting from your palm. It was pure miracle your right hand didn’t clench in instinct and shatter the two remaining vials, setting yourself on fire as well.

As well.

Someone was screaming – a man, you realized – the acid smell of burned flesh and plastic and various chemicals punching your nose and your stomach hard. You had hit someone with the vial. They screamed because of what you had done. You had-

You had no time to feel sorry. You had no time to properly think fucking serves them right.

More steps, more gunshots, movements you weren’t sure how happened or came to you in the first place, flashes of light and crimson and noise and godawful smell--- and pain erupting in the back of your head and suddenly you were barely catching yourself on the counter with your slippery palm--- your fingers brushed metal, knees weak but hands grabbing with all your might, lifting and swinging, a sickening crack on your right before you were falling, landing on your wrist, back hitting the cabinet door and making even more noise as you sent equipment clattering around.

However, the loudest sound was another gunshot; but the strangest sound was unfamiliar whizzing and metal hitting metal and someone most definitely shouting “clear!” that sounded as distant as a whisper over the ringing in your ears.

Instinctively, your head snapped to the voice as you tried to prop up on your hands to see; the world swam in front of your eyes, dizziness forcing you to fall back on your ass and squeeze your eyes shut in hopes to stop the world from spinning, a sting in your palm drawing a hiss from your lips.

You could hear Jemma’s talking to someone, her words blurred into a mumble despite her voice sounding firm and methodical; footsteps, quick and heavy but somewhat soft, accompanied by a brush of air against your skin, making you open your eyes again just as navy blue with speckles of silvery grey glinting in a flickering light filled your vision.

Then, a face; an extremely handsome face even as a helmet made of blue similar to the rest of his suit covered the upper half of it, framing a pair of the dreamiest blue eyes you had ever seen, as beautiful as blurry as a dream indeed.

Somewhere in the back of your brain it started clicking into place – that the man in front of you looked a whole lot like Captain America and he was there to kick HYDRA’s ass; he was hunk and looked righteous and unfairly pretty, the cut of his jaw sharp enough to appear as if sculpted by ancient masters of art and it might be softened by the leather strap holding his helmet in place but that only brought out the sheer beauty of his lips even with a small bloody split on them.

And he was talking to you, his leather-clad hand gently grasping your arm as you involuntarily swayed to side when moving your head to take in the entirety of his large figure.

“Doctor, are you alright?” he asked slowly, velvety voice sweet and heavy with concern at once, the gentle but firm hold on your arm growing stronger when you blinked owlishly, the connection between the meaning of his words and his apparent intention to talk to you slow and fragile.

Your tongue felt as if made of lead even as it tasted of bitterness of adrenalin, but you willed yourself to answer, a knee-jerk reaction more than anything else.

“’mm… not a doctor yet.”

As you responded, you brain began to clear; and it occurred to you that it was a fair assumption for him to make.

You had grown used to clarifying, but hadn’t done so in months, because everyone already knew. However, he was an outsider to this lab and he couldn’t know you were the exception to the local rule. And you were wearing a lab coat, one that now had to be covered in mixture of chemicals you did not wish to identify, but perhaps you should try, because your forearm was beginning to burn.

The beautiful man kneeling in front of you silently observed you for what seemed like an eternity and half, surprise written all over his face. You couldn’t blame him; you were the weirdo of the lab. The fact the person who had purposely stacked explosives at hand was less of an anomaly than that was a thing to consider, but your head hurt too much to think about that and your heart was still beating unhealthily fast and his error seemed so insignificant in the grand scheme of things of HYDRA having attacked your lab and Captain America being right in front of you, holding onto your arm.

His soft baffled smile as he hung his head and shook it a bit with a breathless chuckle, and then lifted his downright shining gaze back to you, well that certainly made for a spectacular distraction from such unimportant thoughts.

Did his thumb just brush your arm as he still held you up a bit?

And had anyone ever told him he had a stunning smile that could melt hearts even if it was barely there and it was certainly melting yours?

“Apologies, miss. I’m going to help you get to medical, alright?” he suggested, those damn gorgeous eyes roaming your face with what almost seemed like wonder, even as his voice sounded all kinds of reassuring. “You’re safe now, I promise.”

Safe. You were safe. Because there had been HYDRA agents, but Captain America and actual SHIELD operatives had come to the rescue. And because Jemma was-

Jemma. Your straightened, dull ache pounding in your back as you did so, vision clearing a fraction with the sudden realization that you couldn’t hear your friend anymore. Your friend whom you owed your life very likely, but even if you didn’t, you would have-

You craned your neck over Captain America’s impressive frame, head snapping from left to right, nausea rising with the movement, but that didn’t matter, you had to-

You turned your alarmed gaze back to the man who was still holding you, an urgent question on your lips.

“Jemma? Is she--- Doctor Simmons, brunet, lab coat-“ you paused, realizing bitterly that you had just described half of the Science and Technology. “Female. She’s a doctor and an agent too, she was with me had a gu-“

A warm squeeze on your arm, the concern which had grown even more evident on Captain’s face melting away and giving way to a soothing smile.

“She’s alright. She’s already left to be checked up and to give her statement.”

Your shoulders sagged, your head dropping a bit; the violent vertigo that seized your body at that was not pleasant and you tried to blink it away, gaze catching the reflection of the still-blinking fluorescent lamp on the Captain’s shield.

Oh. That was probably what had made the whizzing sound before. As your brain conjured an image of that, a spinning shield flying through the air, you cursed yourself mentally for letting your mind even go there since you had already felt like you were the flying piece of metal and the thing you’d hit eventually would be the floor.

“My head is spinning,” you muttered absently as you attempted to refocus your gaze, praying to gods of religion and science alike you wouldn’t throw up on the poor caring man.

Why was he still sitting here with you? Surely there were much more important things to tend to than one little post-grad? How was he so kind and gentle? Wasn’t he known for inspiring speeches in a deep serious voice and for beating up villains with both his physical strength and brains?

So many questions and no answer in those pretty blue eyes.

In fact, the number of your questions grew exponentially when the hand on your arm released the pressure and gently rubbed your elbow instead; his free hand carefully cradled the back of your other hand, the contrast of leather and his warm skin surprisingly sensual, suddenly making you understand why so many regency era literature spoke of hand-holding as indecent even as it was barely Fifty Shades of Grey level of filth.  

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Captain Rogers said, snapping you from your thoughts. “Let me help you up and they’ll check you up too, including this nasty cut, okay?”

Huh?

Purposely slowly as not to make the vertigo worse, you glanced at your hand in his, feeling a fresh sting just by looking at your palm, your gaze instantly snapping away.

And falling straight onto two intact vials full of liquid of a distinct colour, lying carelessly about two feet away from Steve Rogers’ tactical boots. Your heart jumped in your chest, your hazy mind finally growing aware of your surroundings.

“Shoot! Careful around those, they’re highly flammable!” you warned him swiftly, his gaze snapping to the vials in question, while ours slowly trailed over the utter, utter messthe lab had become.

The sheer amount of broken glass, spilled chemicals, broken pipettes, torn papers and unidentifiable piles of junk was staggering and it was actually a miracle nothing had exploded yet – and as a cherry on top, a few feet away, a relatively small portable PCR machine, the very equipment you had been using, downright murdered along with your experiment and a smudge of blood around it. Jesus.

“Okay, that’s good to know. More the reason to get out,” Captain Rogers remarked, slight amusement lacing his voice, only growing stronger as he continued. “Keep a lot of these around?”

You could have scoffed, but you didn’t. You have no idea, pal.

“My friend is paranoid…” you explained, still staring at them, even as you mentally added ‘or not’, since those little things might have very well saved your life. As your gaze returned to Captain Rogers, your eyes caught on something else, having you sit up straighter in sheer horror. “Is that a stab wound?!”

You gulped at the sight, even as your uninjured hand instinctively reached out towards it – as if you could fix it. The already dark suit, a lovely navy blue, appeared downright black at left his side, right where it seemed to be singed by a flame.

Had that injury been there the whole damn time he had been sitting here with you, eternally patient with your slowed brain, Simmons’ cocktails lying around in one huge chemical dump in risk of exploding any damn minute?

You logically knew the answer had to be yes, but it made zero sense – and his answer made even less sense.

“Bullet, actually. Some sort of chemical damaged the Kevlar lining and they got a lucky hit. It’s just a graze.”

“A gra-“ you choked on the word, spit stuck in your throat causing you to cough and a groan escape past your lips as the sudden rapid movement sent your head pounding again.

“Hey, you-“

“You’ve been shot and you called my cut nasty?” you questioned through the tears, earning a smile worth giving up a career for – painfully warm, kind and… almost fond.

You truly must have hit your head hard.

…as if it hadn’t been evident before.

“I heal fast. You don’t need to worry about me. I’ll be alright, doc.”

A knee-jerk reaction – again. What was it with him? Had he hit his head, forgetting you had already explained – you had, you hadn’t imagined that, right? – and now he called you a doctor again, turned into a familiar nickname, no less.

“I’m not a doct---- holy shit.”

It slammed into you like a train, struck you like a lightning, even as neither of those things had ever happened to you – yet, you imagined it had to feel like this.

A massive force, a force of nature, realization as bright and as unexpected as a lightning from a clear sky.

Doctor, are you alright?

He had asked that. He had asked that. He had said your words. He had said your goddamn soulmate’s first words to you, what must have been minutes ago, and only now it hit you.

You were left staring at him with wide eyes, myriad of emotions written all over his face, including  slight amusement and what you had earlier inexplicably identified as fondness, because the reason why he was still sitting here with you – though perhaps that was what he always did when rescuing, what did you know, you didn’t, this was your first meeting, that was why he had said the words – was that unlike you, he had realized you were his soulmate right away.

He kept watching you, silently letting you process the crucial revelation, a tight but no less kind smile on his lips.

“You said my words,” you said oh so intelligently. “You--- what… what did I—say?”

It was perhaps the stupidest question of all you could have come up on the spot, but you genuinely couldn’t remember – and wanted to know what words he had been looking at his whole life.

…this part of life? Or before the ice too? How did he feel about that? How did he feel about you? Was he disappointed? He didn’t look like he was, but didn’t even know what you had said—

What you did know and remember was that you were supposed to be smart and yet it had taken you an eternity to even notice you were facing your soulmate you had been probably spewing complete nonsense, you were now stammering like an idiot and for someone who had been worried, always, even if in the back of their mind, if their soulmate would find them good enough, you were generally making a bloody awful first impression.

But seriously, what had been your first words-

“You said you weren’t a doctor yet,” Captain Rogers reminded you, voice soft with affection of someone who had imagined hearing those words at least as many times as you had wondered about yours, hoping they would be pronounced by someone who’d respect you and cared about what kind of person you were, and would hopefully, eventually care for you. Loved you even. The tender way the syllables rolled of his tongue, spoken as if they tasted of honey, nearly chased fresh tears to your eyes. Alright, perhaps your first impression hadn’t been as bad as it appeared in your – albeit injured – head.  “But if you really don’t remember saying that, that’s not a good sign. We need to get you medical attention. Come on. Hold on.”

Blinking slowly, still processing the light and yet suffocating feeling that found residence in your chest as it was starting to truly settle that this man, this painfully beautiful and criminally gentle man, was your soulmate, he was leaning closer to you, his hands guiding yours to wrap around his neck, a wordless order you had obediently followed, and then one of his arms was sliding under your knees and his other wrapping around the middle of your back.

And then your vertigo hit you anew because you were suddenly up in the air, hands gripping hard at anything you could reach – conveniently, the only thing was him, because he had lifted you upin his arms, some of your weight resting against his chest – despite the pain that shot up your left hand.

“Whoa-“ And then, because your memory did serve you at least a little: “You--- have been stabbed.”

“Shot,” he repeated patiently, fondly almost, and you did recall he had said that.

You recalled despite the scent of pleasant aftershave and peak man suddenly enveloping you as much as his arms and the firm armour – or perhaps that was the muscles underneath? And those pretty blue eyes were watching you with a glint of amusement and a surprising amount of affection for a guy saying he had been hit by a bullet, while effortlessly carrying the girl he had just met in his-- very, very strong, muscly arms and perhaps your head was not only spinning because of the sudden height you found yourself at.

…amusement? How was he amused? Was that-- was that a joke? Was he making fun of his bullet wound, playing it down? 

“That’s… really not better.”

He grinned down at you as he made his way to the exit.

Walking. Watching you. Grinning and not even really looking where he was stepping.

Oh no.

Oh no, he was one of those people. You had met men like him at Operations, except for some reason – perhaps some sort of a soulmate telepathy – you had a feeling in him, that the peculiar recklessness many people from suffered, the disregard for their safety, because they could handle it, was dialled up to eleven in him. On a one to five scale. Because scaling mattered; you were a scientist. You’d know.

However, he did make it out of the laboratory without blowing anything up – perhaps at least that recklessness was balanced up by enhanced senses of a supersoldier and indeed, healing fast. And you hoped with your whole heart that walking out unscathed was a conscious effort, be it for him (somehow you doubted that) or for the cargo he was carrying (you had no doubt about that, not when he was looking at you like that). At least he had kept the helmet on; you were thankful for that, even as you’d love to see him without it.

See your soulmate.

You knew what he looked like everyone knew what he looked like. If they had missed the WW II. ed, they could barely miss the news about an alien invasion he had had a hand in stopping, the fall of majority of SHIELD, and other exciting horrifying news.

“I’ll be fine, doc. Now let’s get you away from exploding vials and lab equipment you could knock me out with. I’d rather be safe when I ask you out for dinner.”

You gulped, gripping him a bit tighter as a memory hit you – literally.

The PCR machine. You had done that. You had grabbed it and used it to smash into a HYDRA agent’s face, using the nearest improvised tool of defence. Jesus.

I really did that?

“You… saw that?” was what you asked instead, a few second ticking by as the rest of his words registered in your brain – and god, you really hoped your cognitive abilities would restore soon and the head injury had not caused permanent damage. “Oh.”

As much as your heart started pounding at that, a pleasant somersault in your stomach for a change, it was a little unfair to sort-of ask you when you were in your current predicament. Being carried like that, so close to him, so gentlemanly and tenderly handled despite your weight no doubt straining him, especially since he had been shot – grazed –, yoursenses wrapped in everything that was him and pulling you in, you were fairly certain you might say yes to just about anything he’d ask.

And not just because he was your soulmate.

Your soulmate carrying you in his arms, while wearing a very flattering suit of armour.

“If you’d like, of course,” he added with slight hesitance that only made your heart race further, because he was laying out his own heart for you already, expressive, genuine, and maybe sweetly handsy but not pushy despite his title and rank technically giving him every right to do whatever the hell he wanted. “But either way, I’ll save the real question for when I know you’re not suffering from a concussion. That sounds good?”

“Yes, Captain,” you replied dutifully. It did sound good, his consideration warming you from inside out. His voice sounded good too. “Sounds good to me.”

His smile was bright as the sun itself and basking in its light and warmth felt just as precious. Except he was to be your private sun forever shared with other to a point, but yours. Chosen by fate itself, defying all you had ever believed, beating time by decades, only so you could find each other.

“Looking forward to it, doc. Maybe I’ll get to know your name too while we’ll be at it,” he teased lightly, but without malice. “My name is Steve.”

Steve.

You knew that. You liked that.

Hand trembling a little, but not because you worried he’d drop you as you partly let go of his shoulders, you reached for the clasp on his helmet, a fluttery feeling in your chest eager to indeed see Steve rather than the Captain.

You felt your lips curl up and mirror his when he gave a tiny nod at your brief hesitation, your fingers finally undoing the strap and revealing his face with his help.

His hair was adorably ruffled, a slight shade of dust on his cheeks whispering of where the protective gear had been; but scientifically speaking, as well as speaking directly from heart, he was absolutely beautiful, his tender smile telling you he thought the very same about you.

He was meant to be yours; as you were meant to be his.

And you couldn’t wait to get to know him.

You could tell there were people around you and they were probably staring; but for the moment, you didn’t care at all. You had just met your soulmate.

And you weren’t even a doctor yet.

“It’s really nice to meet you, Steve. But I have to admit…” you said, teasing him with a pause, rewarded by his eyes earning a curious glint, “that the Doc nickname is kinda growing on me.”

Complete masterlist

Steve Rogers masterlist

Oh this feels like coming back to my roots 🤭 but hey, this challenge is a revival of all thigs good of the past, so why not go with the good old-fashioned soulmate meet-cute with a little angst beforehand, right?

AND BEHOLD I WROTE SOMETHING SHORTER THAN 10K. SHORTER THAN 8K ACTUALLY! It’s an extravaganza miracle 😂

Also. There might be some unrelated smut in the works, but I will not finish that today so... won't be part of the cum together extravaganza... ah well 🤭

Thank you for reading and potential feedback 💕

May the Fourth be with you and the rest of May be kind ✨

[hexyissy]

Embers of Love | Steve Harrington <3

Pairing: knight!steve harrington x accused!witch reader

Wc: 3.3k

Warning: heavy angst, forbidden love, major character death, blood/injury /surgery (minor medical gore), child endangerment/trauma (themes of abuse, kidnapping), mob violence, execution, romantic content (kissing explicit). Read at your own risk.

Summary: In a hidden forest, a healer known as a witch shelters lost children and saves a wounded knight. As forbidden love blossoms between them, duty, fear, and prejudice tear their world apart, leading to heartbreak, betrayal, and fire.

Part 2: Take My Whole Life

Your brother, pressed a kiss to your forehead before dawn broke through the trees. His satchel was heavy with dried herbs, crushed roots, and glass vials of medicine you had made together by firelight.

“A month,” he promised. “No longer.”

You nodded, though your chest felt tight. A month was a long time in a world that feared what it did not understand. That was why your parents had brought you here, deep into the forest—because some people could not be trusted. Because knowledge, especially in a woman’s hands, was often mistaken for witchcraft.

When Henry disappeared between the trees, the forest felt quieter than usual.

Later that day, dressed in white linen that brushed against fallen leaves, you wandered through familiar paths. That was when you heard it—soft sobbing, broken and frightened.

A boy sat beneath an oak tree, knees pulled to his chest. Eight, perhaps nine. His face was smudged with dirt and tears.

You crouched before the boy, careful not to frighten him. His shoulders trembled as he cried, small hands clutching at torn fabric.

“Hey… you’re safe,” you said gently. “What is your name?”

He sniffed, wiping his nose with the back of his sleeve. “William.”

“That’s a good name,” you told him. “What are you doing all alone in the forest, William?” He told you he had run away. His mother’s words were cruel, her hands worse.

You offered him water. Then bread. Then, eventually, a place by your fire—just for a while, you told yourself. The forest has a way of bringing the lost to those who understand loneliness.

Near the waterfall day later, you found a girl with hair like burning copper. She stood barefoot on slick stone, eyes sharp despite the fear beneath them.

“Maxine,” she said defiantly.

“Why are you out here alone?”

Her jaw clenched. “My brother said I was a burden. Said I could be… useful.” Her voice faltered despite her effort. “He wanted to sell me. To an old man. Said I should be grateful.”

Her hands began to shake then, anger giving way to fear. “I ran before he could lock the door.”

That was when the tears came, hot and furious, streaking down her face as she pressed her palms to her eyes. You didn’t hesitate. You wrapped your arms around her, holding her tight as she cried, her sobs loud against your chest.

“You were right to run,” you whispered fiercely. “You don’t belong to anyone. You are not something to be sold.”

Then came Holly—quiet, strange, brilliant Holly, who spoke of stars and mechanisms and dreams too big for the village that called her mad. “They say I’m wrong in the head,” she said quietly. “Because I like things that don’t make sense to them. Because I ask questions.”

You moved closer. “What kind of questions?”

“Why do the stars move. How things work. Why I don’t feel like other girls.” Her voice trembled. 

“They said I was cursed.” Her breath hitched, and suddenly she was crying—soft, broken sounds like she was ashamed of them.

“Oh, sweetheart,” you breathed, pulling her into your arms. She smelled of smoke, pine, and fear.

“There is nothing wrong with you,” you said, holding her as she cried. “You are clever. You are curious. And the world is cruel to girls who dare to be more.”

The children’s laughter echoed through the trees while you crushed herbs at the small wooden table. For a brief moment, peace settled over the cottage.

Then it shattered. They came running—branches snapping beneath their feet, breathless and pale.

“There’s a man,” William gasped, clutching your sleeve. “In armor,” Maxine added, eyes wide. “He’s hurt,” Holly whispered. “Badly hurt”

Your heart dropped.

“Where?” you asked, already reaching for your satchel.

They led you deeper into the forest, farther than you liked to go. The air grew thick and damp, shadows stretching long between the trees. And then you saw him.

A knight lay against the roots of an old oak, silver armor smeared dark with blood. One arm hung useless at his side, his breathing shallow and uneven. His sword lay a few feet away, half-buried in leaves.

“Oh gods…” you breathed. You knelt beside him, hands steady despite the fear curling in your chest. Blood soaked through the gaps in his armor—too much. Far too much.

“Stay back,” you told the children gently. “Please.”

 With effort, you loosened the straps of his helmet and carefully lifted it free. Your breath caught.

He was young—far younger than you had expected. Dark hair, damp with sweat, curled against his forehead, lashes resting against bruised skin. Even battered and pale, there was no denying it.

Beautiful, your traitorous mind whispered. You shook your head sharply. Now is not the time.

“He’s just a man,” you murmured to yourself, already working. You pressed cloth to his side, uncorked a vial with your teeth, and poured the bitter-smelling tincture over the wound. He groaned softly, head turning as if he could feel you even in unconsciousness.

“Easy,” you whispered, though he could not hear. “I’ve got you.”

Getting him back to the cottage was no easy task. With the children’s help—Maxine steadying his shoulders, William holding a lantern—you dragged and supported him through the trees, every step a race against time.

By the time you laid him on the narrow cot, your arms ached, and your hands were stained red.

You cut away what remained of his armor and tunic, revealing wounds that made your stomach twist—slashes and bruises earned in battle, the kind meant to kill.

You worked with practiced precision—cleaning the wound, pressing cloth to torn flesh, stitching with steady hands, binding it all tight before the bleeding could steal more from him.

He stirred then, a low sound slipping from his throat. His eyes fluttered open—deep brown, unfocused, glazed with pain.

“Don’t move,” you said firmly, placing a hand on his chest to keep him still. “You’re safe.”

His gaze lingered on your face, searching, confused, as if trying to understand how he had survived at all.

“Who are you?” he rasped, voice raw and thin.

You huffed softly despite yourself. “Just someone who knows herbs.”

His eyes drifted shut once more, breath evening as unconsciousness claimed him again.

When the worst of it was done, you leaned back on your heels, fatigue settling deep into your bones. The children lingered in the doorway, watching in silence.

“He’ll live,” you said quietly.Relief swept through the room like a breath finally released. 

You had brought a knight, sworn to hunt beings like you into your home. And you had no way of knowing how deeply that choice would change everything.

He woke slowly this time. Not to pain though it lingered, but to warmth. Firelight flickered against wooden walls, and the scent of herbs clung to the air, sharp and earthy. His chest felt tight beneath the bindings, every breath a careful thing.

“You’re awake,” you said, turning from the table.

He shifted, wincing. “Seems I’m difficult to kill.”

“That or very stubborn,” you replied, setting a cup beside him. “Don’t try to sit yet.”

He obeyed, studying you. “I never thanked you.”

“You can,” you said lightly. “By staying still.”

A faint smile tugged at his mouth. “Steve,” he said after a moment. “Steve Harrington.”

You hesitated just a heartbeat then answered with your name.

The children hovered nearby, peeking from behind one another. Willian waved shyly. Maxine crossed her arms, clearly unimpressed. Holly watched him with open curiosity.

“They’re yours?” Steve asked.

“No,” you said softly. “They found me.”

You told him their stories in pieces, runaways, broken homes, fear dressed up as duty. He listened quietly, jaw tight, eyes softening every time one of them laughed or spoke.

“They’re safe here,” he said finally.

“As safe as the world allows,” you replied.

Days passed slowly after that.

When he was strong enough to sit, you showed him your work—bundles of dried leaves, crushed roots, small glass vials lined like soldiers on the shelf.

“This one,” you said, holding up a pouch, “for pain. Too much and it dulls the senses. Too little and it does nothing.”

He watched closely. “How did you learn all this?”

“By my mother,” you said, grinding herbs with a mortar. “She used to say plants tell you what they are, if you listen long enough. People just prefer not to.”

He glanced at you then. “And they call that witchcraft.”

You shrugged. “They fear what they can’t control. Knowledge is easier to burn than to understand.” Steve was quiet after that.

Later, as he helped you hang drying herbs by the window, he said, almost to himself, “You saved my life.”

You didn’t look at him. “No,” you said gently. “I just made what the earth already knew how to give.”

And somehow, in that small cottage filled with laughter, firelight, and growing trust, a knight and a so-called witch began to blur into something far more dangerous to the world outside. Something human.

It happened quietly. Not all at once, not like the songs claimed—no thunder, no sudden devotion. Just small moments piling atop one another until Steve realized he was looking for you before he knew he was doing it.

You showed him the forest in the way only someone who belonged to it could.

One afternoon, when his strength had returned enough to walk without swaying, you led him deeper than he had ever gone. The children ran ahead, laughing, disappearing between the trees like spirits.

“This is my favorite place,” you said, softer now. “No one comes here. Only us.”

The trees opened into a hidden clearing, sunlight spilling through the canopy. At its heart lay a pool fed by a narrow stream, water clear and slow, smooth stones lining its edge.

Steve stopped short.

“It’s…” He searched for the word. “Peaceful.”

“That’s why I love it,” you replied.

The children were already kicking off their slippers, splashing into the water without hesitation. Their laughter echoed freely here, unafraid.

You hesitated only a moment before loosening the ties of your dress, stepping into the water beside them. Steve looked away at first, out of habit, out of respect, but when you laughed, free and unguarded, he couldn’t help himself.

You waded deeper, skirts floating around you, hair catching the light. The forest seemed to lean in, as if even it wanted to watch you.

He joined you soon after, clothes borrowed from your brother abandoned, the water cool against his skin. You swam together, slow and easy, the children splashing between you, the world reduced to sunlight and water and breath.

At one point, you drifted closer, close enough that Steve forgot how to speak.

“You know,” he said finally, voice low, earnest, “I’ve ridden across kingdoms. Seen courts and towns, women dressed in silk and gold.”

You raised a brow, amused. “And?”

“And none of them compares to you,” he said simply. “No woman in any land I’ve crossed holds your beauty.” You stilled, water rippling around you.

“That’s a dangerous thing to say,” you murmured.

“I’m a knight,” he replied, eyes fixed on you. “Danger comes with the oath.”

The air shifted then—something unspoken pulling tight between you. He reached out slowly, as if giving you time to pull away. When you didn’t, his hand brushed yours.

“You make the world quieter,” he said. “Like it finally makes sense.”

Your breath caught.

Before doubt could rise. Before titles or warnings could remind you who you were supposed to be—you closed the distance between you.

The kiss began gently, hesitant and reverent, as if he feared the world would rush back in if he pressed too hard. But when you leaned into him, when your fingers curled into the fabric at his shoulder, the space between knight and witch dissolved. In the forest, it meant nothing—no oaths, no accusations, no hierarchy. Just two souls choosing one another.

A knight, trained to stand unmoved before blade and fire, let his guard fall.

A woman, who had learned that safety only existed among the trees, stepped beyond it for him.

The forest seemed to still around you, water hushed, light trembling through the leaves as if it, too, understood the weight of the moment. And there, in that hidden place surrounded by everything the world had tried to steal from you, Sir Steve Harrington fell in love.

Now, after having dinner the night before, you and Steve both lie awake, the fire reduced to glowing embers, shadows stretching across the wooden walls. Steve stared into the dark, the weight of his armor and his duty pressing against his chest.

“I must return,” he murmured, voice low, almost a whisper. “It is my oath… my duty.”

You reached for his hand, fingers brushing his. “Promise me you’ll be back.” you said softly. 

He gave a small, solemn nod, pressing his lips to your forehead. “A week,” he repeated. And with that, he left, stepping into the cold night, cloak drawn tight, boots silent on the forest path.

Along with the children, you waited. Every dawn, every rustle in the trees, you hoped it was Steve returning, keeping the promise he had made.

But night after night, he never came.

One evening, a shadow moved at the edge of the clearing. Your heart leapt. You bolted to the door. “Steve?” you called, breath catching.

The torchlight revealed not him, but a mob of townsfolk, faces twisted with fear and fury, weapons in hand, rakes and pitchforks glinting. “Get the witch!” someone shouted.

“Where are the children?!” another cried, pointing toward the cottage. “We know she’s hiding them!”

The children screamed, clinging to your skirts. You tried to gather them, to push them behind you, but the mob surged forward. They struck you, hands and sticks, driving you to your knees. Pain flared across your arms and back as they grabbed you, dragging you from the safety of your home.

Your arms, once strong and steady, fell limply at your sides. The children cried out, tiny voices breaking your heart. You tried to shield them, tried to plead, but they were ripped from your grasp.

The mob set fire to the cottage as you were hauled away, flames licking the walls, smoke curling into the sky. The place you had built with care, the only home you had ever known, burned to ash. The scent of your herbs, the children’s laughter, Steve’s promises, everything that had been safe and bright—it vanished in smoke and fire.

They bound you roughly, bruising and cutting as they went, dragging you through the dirt toward the village. Exhausted, broken, and weeping, you had no fight left to give. And so they brought you to the stone prison, cold and unyielding, to stand trial by fire.

Days—weeks, maybe—had passed, though time in the capital felt different from the forest. Steve had tried to return. He had meant to. But duty weighed like iron. Orders, skirmishes, patrols, and the king’s endless demands kept him from the forest, from you, from the home you had shared.

Every night, he had whispered your name under his breath, swearing he would return, even as battles, councils, and the crown’s demands tore him further away.

And then came the court.

King Hopper’s hall was vast, every torch casting long shadows across the stone floor. Steve knelt, armor heavy, heart heavier. The king extended a scroll, wax still warm from the seal. “These,” Hopper’s voice cut like steel, “are the witches who must burn.”

Steve broke the seal. His eyes skimmed the names—until the air vanished from his lungs.

Yours.

It was like a bucket of ice thrown straight into his chest. Blood seemed to recede from his veins, leaving a hollow chill. The world tilted, torchlight and stone blurring around him. No… no, it cannot be.

“The woman… in the forest?” he asked, voice hoarse, trembling despite the training that had kept him calm in a hundred battles. “Why… why her?”

General Murray stepped forward, expression grim. “A hunter saw her with the children reported missing. Folk say she lured them deep into the forest… to enslave them.”

Enslave them. Steve’s stomach lurched, heart clenching. Every memory of your laughter, the cottage, the hidden pool, the herbs… it crashed down, broken and gone.

King Hopper’s eyes bored into him. “You are trying to defy me, Harrington?”

“No… no, Your Highness,” he said, swallowing hard. “I—”

But inside, he was already breaking. A knight, trained to steel himself against pain, against death, against chaos… he could not steel himself against this.

You woke to the harsh light of dawn, the smell of smoke, and the muffled shouts of a mob. Your body ached from weeks of fear, of hiding, of hopeless waiting. You blinked slowly, eyes raw, exhausted, finally surrendering to the inevitable.

The stake loomed before you. Smoke and heat mingled with the shouts of villagers, torches held high, eyes burning with righteous fury. Your arms hung uselessly at your sides. You could fight no longer. You had given up, long before they dragged you here.

“No!” William shrieked, trying to get to you in the crowd.

“Stop! Stop! She’s not a witch!” Maxine’s voice cracked, raw with panic and fear, higher than the roaring fire, yet swallowed by it.

Holly’s small hands beat against the mob, shrill wails piercing the smoke. “You’re wrong! She’s not cursed!”

But no one heard them. No one stopped. They were only children—helpless, their voices meaningless against the tide of fear and anger. You tried to look at them one last time, to smile, to promise safety, but your body was failing. Your strength had abandoned you. 

Then you saw the armor. You would have known it anywhere. You had traced it with your fingers, memorized the way it caught the light. Your heart gave a broken, useless lurch.

Steve.

He held a torch, but his hands shook, shoulders quivering, a knight brought low by the weight of his own heart. A knight, proud and fierce, with sword in hand and heart alight with love, and yet powerless. He had the sword and pride—but not the power to change their minds.

 When your eyes met, the world narrowed. All the villagers, all the shouting, all the flames—they vanished in that instant.

“You did not dare to save me,” you said softly, your voice thin but steady. “And I will never have the courage to hate you.” His breath hitched.

“I know,” you continued, tears slipping free at last, “that in your heart, you never meant to fail me. So I will wait for you… in my next life.”

“I’m sorry,” he broke, the words tearing out of him.

You smiled—small, broken, full of love. “I forgive you.”

The torch touched the wood. The torch in his hand trembled as he lowered it to the stake. Your scream ripped through the air, swallowed immediately by the cheers of the mob.

He pressed the torch to the kindling. Fire leapt, smoke curling around you, heat washing over your face.

And no one knew, could not know—that the knight standing there, the one who had sworn to serve king and kingdom, wept openly as the flames rose. His tears mixed with sweat, burning eyes fixed on you, and the weight of love, loss, and impossibility crushed him utterly.

The world roared, fire and voices and terror surrounding you.

But in that instant, your gaze met his one last time. And even as the flames swallowed everything you had built, even as your lungs filled with smoke and ash, your heart whispered the same truth it had known all along: you had loved him.

That day—the day his beloved was burned alive—Steve Harrington understood the truth of the kingdom he served.

A crown that demanded love as sacrifice was no kingdom worth defending. A realm that took from a man the one thing he cherished most did not create loyalty—it forged monsters. And when they took you from him, Steve Harrington ceased to be a knight.

What rose from the ashes was something far more dangerous because a man who has lost everything he loves no longer fears fire.

He becomes it.

[roze-latte-zz]

𝕱ate’s 𝕮ruel 𝕵oke

Sirius Black x Slytherin!Reader 𝓼𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓶𝓪𝓽𝓮 𝓪𝓾

Summary : When everyone turns sixteen, they get a soulmate mark. Sirius’s appears at midnight — a glowing ⯌ — and the Marauders celebrate with him. The next morning, he proudly shows it off, while across the hall, you nearly choke on your breakfast seeing the same mark hidden under your sleeve. You cover it up fast — no one can know.

Warning : This story contains emotional tension, harsh words, and scenes of heartbreak and self-doubt. It explores themes of soulmates, denial, and the pain of being tied to someone you can’t stand — or maybe can’t stop thinking about.

a/n : lowkey this was so annoying and hard to write because i had no ideas what to do and also sorry if this fic feels very random at some moments idk how to do a pt2 so u need to give me ideas-

The Gryffindor dorm was alive that night — candles flickering low, laughter spilling into the shadows between four-posters, and James Potter counting down every minute like it was Christmas morning. Sirius was sprawled across his bed, pretending he didn’t care, but the restless tapping of his fingers on the blanket gave him away. Sixteen. Tonight, he’d find out if fate had chosen him someone — or no one at all.

Remus glanced over his book, voice soft but teasing. “You’re shaking the bed, Pads.”

“Am not,” Sirius said, though his grin was sharp and a little nervous.

“You kind of are,” Peter piped up, earning a pillow to the face. James was grinning, wide and golden as always, eyes darting between the clock and his best friend.

“Thirty seconds!” he announced, and suddenly it felt like the whole room was holding its breath. Sirius sat up, heart thudding. He wanted to laugh — he wanted to look unbothered — but Merlin, what if he didn’t have one? What if the universe decided Sirius Black didn’t deserve a soulmate?

“Ten!” James shouted, and the Marauders chorused along.

“Nine!” “Eight!” “Seven!”

Sirius’s pulse pounded in his ears. The air buzzed — something electric, almost magical.

“Three! Two! One—!”

Midnight struck. A glow flared across his wrist — faint, gold, and real. Sirius’s breath caught as the light swirled and settled into the shape of a smooth, curved symbol

⯌

gleaming faintly before fading into his skin.

For a moment, nobody spoke. Then James whooped so loud it probably woke half the tower. “He’s got one! Bloody hell, Pads, you’ve got one!”

Remus was smiling quietly, Peter clapping excitedly. Sirius just stared at his wrist, mouth slightly open, laughter bubbling up from somewhere deep in his chest. He turned his arm over, tracing the mark like he couldn’t believe it.

“Looks like fate actually likes you,” Remus said softly.

Sirius huffed a laugh, still breathless. “Guess so.”

But later, when the lights dimmed and the others drifted off to sleep, he lay awake — the mark glowing faintly in the moonlight — wondering who in the world his symbol matched, and whether they were out there thinking of him too.

Breakfast the next morning was practically buzzing with gossip. Word had spread fast — Sirius Black had gotten his soulmark. He strolled into the Great Hall with that usual swagger, hair perfect despite the early hour, grin already in place. James and Peter trailed behind him, both barely containing their laughter. Sirius didn’t waste a second; halfway through breakfast, he stood dramatically and rolled up his sleeve. The faint ⯌ shimmered against his wrist, catching the morning light. The reaction was instant — gasps, groans, and even a few dramatic sighs echoing through the hall.

You nearly choked on your toast the moment Sirius rolled up his sleeve. The ⯌ gleamed in the sunlight, clear as day, and your heart just about stopped. You coughed quietly, forcing a calm expression, hoping no one saw the way your hands trembled.

Across the table, Regulus sighed. “Typical. He has to make everything dramatic.”

Barty rolled his eyes, muttering, “He probably practiced that reveal in the mirror.”

You gave a weak laugh, pretending to agree, though your stomach twisted hard.

Under the table, you tugged at your sleeve, just enough to peek. The same symbol shimmered faintly on your wrist

⯌

glowing like it knew. You yanked your sleeve down instantly. No. This couldn’t be real. You hadn’t told anyone when it first appeared, and you weren’t going to now. Let Sirius Black have his crowd. The universe clearly had a sick sense of humour.

Sirius had been glowing all day — literally and figuratively. His mark shimmered faintly every time he moved, and he hadn’t stopped smirking since midnight. Still, the excitement was starting to dull under one irritating thought: his soulmate hadn’t revealed themselves yet. He’d half-expected some dramatic moment, someone rushing up to him, sleeve pulled back — but nothing. Just the same old faces and a growing ache of impatience.

He walked through the courtyard with the Marauders, pretending not to notice how everyone else seemed perfectly paired off. James and Lily were laughing about something stupid, heads close, eyes bright. Remus was murmuring to that quiet Hufflepuff boy who’d turned out to be his soulmate, and Peter was lost in thought — probably daydreaming about Sybil Trelawney, the eccentric girl from Beauxbatons who had his mark. Sirius shoved his hands into his pockets, jaw tight.

That’s when they crossed paths with the Slytherins — or as everyone called them, the Skilttes. Regulus walked in the middle, looking perfectly bored as usual, with Barty and Evan on either side, their fingers loosely intertwined, both of them wearing those matching smug smiles that made Sirius want to hex something. And then there was you. The picture-perfect Slytherin princess — sharp uniform, calm smile, eyes that gave nothing away.

Sirius had reached his limit. The constant whispering about soulmates, the glowing marks everywhere, the fact that his hadn’t even shown themselves yet—it was eating at him. So when they crossed paths with the Skiltes again near the courtyard steps, he didn’t even try to stop himself. “Oi, Reggie,” he called, voice dripping with mock cheer. “What symbol did our precious little Black heir get, then?”

Regulus froze for a split second before rolling his eyes, his usual mask slipping into place. “Why do you care?” he muttered, but Sirius just smirked and crossed his arms. The Marauders had stopped behind him, all ears now, eager for some entertainment. After a moment, Regulus sighed dramatically and tugged up his sleeve, revealing a neat ⚚ gleaming faintly on his wrist. “Satisfied?”

James let out a low whistle. “Fitting,” he said. “Looks like something straight off a family crest.” Regulus shot him a withering look while Barty and Evan snickered from behind, clearly enjoying the show. Sirius rolled his eyes, gaze landing on you. “And what about you, princess?” he asked, voice laced with that smug bite only he could pull off.

You didn’t flinch, though your stomach twisted. Slowly, you rolled up your sleeve, showing nothing but smooth skin. “Nothing,” you said coolly.

Sirius’s smirk turned cruel. “Figures. Guess even the universe knew better than to waste a soulmark on you.”

You folded your arms, eyes narrowing. “Better that,” you said, “than being cursed with you as a soulmate. I actually pity whoever got stuck with that.”

oh how you did actually pit yourself

That hit. His grin faltered, just barely. “Or maybe mine just has standards — something you wouldn’t understand.”

You stepped closer, voice dropping low, every word razor-sharp. “Standards? Right. Must be why she hasn’t shown up yet — says a lot about you, doesn’t it? Maybe she knows better than to get tangled with the boy who ruins everything he touches.”

For a moment, nobody spoke. Regulus stared, Barty and Evan exchanged proud glances, and James muttered something about “bloody hell.” Sirius’s jaw clenched, anger flashing in his eyes — but he didn’t reply. He just turned away with a scoff, tossing over his shoulder, “You’d make a great Slytherin, you know that? Cold and heartless.”

You didn’t let him see the way your hands shook as you rolled your sleeve back down. “Better cold,” you muttered, “than stupid.”

That night, back in your dorm, the castle was quiet — too quiet. The green glow from the lake shimmered faintly across the stone walls, and you sat on your bed, knees pulled close, trying to pretend your chest didn’t ache. The argument replayed in your head again and again — Sirius’s voice, sharp and careless, the way his eyes had glinted when he said the universe didn’t think you were worthy of love.

You swallowed hard, pressing your sleeve to your wrist. It still hurt — not the mark, but everything that came with it. You’d been so careful this morning, dabbing foundation over the faint silver glow before leaving the dorm, making sure not even your closest friends would notice. It had worked — no one saw. No one knew that your mark matched his. The boy who hated you since first year. The boy who’d sneered your name like it was poison.

Hot tears slid down your cheeks before you could stop them. You hated this. Hated the mark, hated the fate that tied you to someone who’d rather laugh than look at you. “Of all people,” you whispered, voice breaking, “why him?” The walls didn’t answer. Only the soft, cruel glow of your wrist beneath the makeup did the faint ⯌, mocking you quietly in the dark.

Sirius had never been this restless in his life.

He’d always imagined the day he’d meet his soulmate — loud, dazzling, a perfect story to brag about. He’d imagined a spark, a glance across the room, something dramatic. But two weeks had passed since that mark appeared, that stupid ⯌ shimmering on his wrist like it had something to say — and nothing. Not a single sign.

He tried to brush it off at first, laughing when James joked that maybe his soulmate had taken one look at him and run for the hills. But every night, when the others fell asleep, he’d catch himself tracing the mark with his thumb, half-expecting it to burn or glow or do something. It never did.

“You’re brooding,” James said one morning, plopping down beside him at the Gryffindor table.

Sirius scowled. “I’m thinking.”

“About what?” Remus asked from across the table, voice gentle but curious.

“My soulmate,” Sirius muttered, poking at his toast. “Or the lack of one.”

James’s grin softened a little. “Hey, maybe she’s younger. Maybe she hasn’t even turned sixteen yet.”

Remus nodded. “Could be. Or she’s from another school. You know, Durmstrang, Beauxbatons — the world’s a lot bigger than Hogwarts.”

Sirius groaned. “So what, I’m supposed to wait around while my mystery soulmate learns her symbol?”

Peter snorted into his pumpkin juice, earning himself a glare. “Sorry,” he said quickly, though his grin didn’t fade. “You’re just… not exactly the patient type, Sirius.”

James leaned back in his chair, smirking. “Yeah, mate. You’ve already checked your wrist more times than Lily’s checked her eyeliner.”

That earned him a bread roll to the face.

Still, Sirius couldn’t laugh it off completely. Not this time. Because the truth was, it hurt. Everyone else seemed to have found their match — James and Lily couldn’t stop smiling, Remus was writing poems for that Hufflepuff boy, even Peter wouldn’t shut up about Sybil bloody Trelawney and her “mystical connection.” Meanwhile, Sirius Black, the boy who always had someone’s attention, couldn’t even find the one person the universe had supposedly made for him.

He leaned back against the bench, eyes drifting over the Slytherin table almost unconsciously. Regulus sat there, talking animatedly with Barty and Evan. And beside them—her. You. Laughing softly at something Regulus said, looking so unbothered it made his jaw clench.

For a moment, something flickered in his chest — irritation, curiosity, he couldn’t tell which. He forced himself to look away, muttering under his breath, “She’s probably too busy hexing first-years to care about soulmates anyway.”

Remus caught the tone but didn’t comment. He just said quietly, “You’ll find her, Pads. When it’s time.”

Sirius wanted to believe that. Really, he did. But as he stared down at that damned mark again, he couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe — just maybe — his soulmate already knew who he was.

And wanted nothing to do with him.

If there was one thing Sirius Black was good at, it was pretending.

So that’s what he did.

For the past few days, he’d thrown himself into being loud again — charming, reckless, the boy everyone expected him to be. If his soulmate wasn’t going to show up, fine. He’d go back to what he knew best: smiling too wide, laughing too loud, flirting with anyone who so much as glanced his way.

You’d seen him that morning outside the Great Hall, leaning against the doorway, a Ravenclaw girl giggling beside him. His signature smirk was back, casual and bright, and his friends were cheering him on from behind like it was all perfectly normal. To everyone else, it was normal. Sirius Black flirting was just another day at Hogwarts.

You paused mid-step, tray in hand, pretending to adjust your sleeve while watching him from the corner of your eye. The way he tilted his head, the way she blushed — it made your stomach twist, though you told yourself it was just annoyance. Of course Sirius couldn’t go a week without attention. Of course he had to act like the universe hadn’t tied him to someone he couldn’t stand.

He laughed then — that stupid, careless laugh — and it was louder than it needed to be. You rolled your eyes and muttered under your breath, “Pathetic.”

Regulus, walking beside you, raised a brow. “Who?”

You blinked, forcing a calm smile. “No one.”

You walked off before he could ask again, ignoring the heat that had crept up your neck. You had better things to think about. Better things than Sirius Black and the way he made pretending look so easy.

The afternoon sunlight spilled golden across the Hogwarts grounds, the lake glittering like glass. Students had scattered everywhere — sprawled under trees, dipping their feet in the shallows, laughing over shared snacks. It was one of those rare weekends when professors gave up on trying to control chaos and just let everyone breathe.

You were stretched out on the grass near the water’s edge, shoes off, robes discarded in a neat pile beside you. Regulus lay on his stomach nearby, doodling lazy constellations in the dirt with his wand while Barty and Evan argued about whose soulmate bond was “stronger.” You rolled your eyes and threw a blade of grass at them, earning a dramatic gasp from Barty.

Across the field, the Marauders were gathered under an oak tree — James and Lily tossing crumbs to the giant squid, Remus pretending to read while Peter snored beside him, and Sirius sprawled on his back, one arm flung over his eyes. You could hear their laughter drifting on the breeze — warm, careless, alive.

It was strange, how quiet everything felt. No insults, no hexes flying between houses. Just this odd, suspended peace. Even Sirius didn’t look like the loud, smug boy who always had something to say; for once, he just looked… calm. The wind toyed with his hair, sunlight catching on the faint silver mark on his wrist — that same damned ⯌ you’d seen in your mirror a hundred times.

You tore your gaze away, heart twisting.

“Stop staring at him,” Regulus murmured without looking up. “You’ll give yourself wrinkles.”

You scoffed and flicked another blade of grass at him. “Wasn’t staring.”

“Sure you weren’t,” he said, smirking. “And I’m not related to that idiot over there either.”

Across the way, Sirius laughed at something James said — loud and free, like he had no idea how cruel the world could be. You forced yourself to look back at the lake, pretending the sunlight didn’t sting your eyes.

The lake glimmered lazily under the afternoon sun, the air thick with laughter and the faint smell of grass. Around him, the Marauders were scattered in their usual sprawl — James and Lily arguing playfully about who could skip stones farther, Peter half-asleep in the grass, and Remus trying to read despite James’s constant interruptions.

Sirius sat a little apart from them, legs stretched out, wand twirling idly between his fingers. From a distance, he looked fine — relaxed, easy smile, sunlight catching on the silver ⯌ on his wrist. But inside, he was unraveling.

He’d tried everything.

Flirting, joking, pretending.

He’d told himself he didn’t care — that maybe his soulmate wasn’t even at Hogwarts, that it didn’t matter anyway. But it was hard to believe that when everyone else around him seemed to have found their match.

Remus’s soft laughter with that Hufflepuff boy. James’s fingers brushing Lily’s as they passed the last stone. Even bloody Peter had his name scrawled inside Sybil’s dramatic letters. And Sirius? He had a mark and no one to match it.

He glanced down at it again — that cruel little symbol, shining faintly against his skin — and his stomach twisted.

What if you’d been right? What if his soulmate really was avoiding him?

The thought hit like a curse. It made sense, didn’t it? He’d been an ass to half the people in this castle — loud, proud, reckless. Maybe whoever was meant for him had seen the mark, recognized it, and decided he wasn’t worth it. Maybe she’d looked at him and thought, not him.

The idea made his chest ache.

“Oi, Pads,” James called, tossing a pebble that landed near his shoe. “You look like you just found out Snape’s your soulmate.”

Sirius forced a laugh, shaking his head. “Just thinking, mate. Dangerous hobby, I know.”

You tossed a pebble into the lake, watching it skip twice before sinking. The water was cool against your legs, the sunlight warm on your skin. For once, it felt like the world wasn’t spinning too fast — laughter echoed from every direction, and even the Slytherins seemed lighter today.

Barty plopped down beside you, nearly splashing water onto your robes. “Merlin’s beard, Y/N, I almost slipped! You’d have to save me.”

You smirked. “Please. I’d let the giant squid handle that.”

Evan snorted behind you. “You’re heartless.”

“Efficient,” you corrected, kicking a little wave toward them.

A few feet away, the Marauders were making their way down the hill, voices loud and familiar. James was grinning like always, Lily swatting him with a folded bit of parchment, while Remus and Peter trailed behind with that “here we go again” look. And, of course, Sirius — hair wind-tossed, hands shoved in his pockets, acting like the sun rose for him.

You rolled your eyes before you could stop yourself.

“Careful,” Regulus muttered, sitting down beside you. “He might think you’re admiring him.”

You nudged him with your shoulder. “Over my dead body.”

By the time the Marauders reached the shore, the Slytherins had already braced themselves. James gave a mock salute, Sirius smirked, and Remus sighed the sigh of a man who knew he’d be cleaning up chaos soon.

“Well, well,” James called, grinning. “Didn’t know snakes could enjoy sunlight. I thought you all hissed at it.”

Barty gasped dramatically. “And I didn’t know lions could count past ten.”

Evan laughed so hard he almost fell back into the grass. Lily groaned, muttering something about “boys and their house pride.”

Sirius leaned lazily against a nearby rock, eyes flicking briefly to you before he smirked. “Careful, Snakes. Wouldn’t want to get your robes dirty out here in the wild.”

You gave him a sweet, poisonous smile. “Please, Black. I’ve seen you fall off your broom more times than I’ve washed these.”

“Ouch,” James said, feigning a wince. “Straight to the ego.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Remus murmured, half-hiding his grin.

You turned back to the lake, pretending the sight of Sirius’s grin didn’t do something strange to your chest. For a second, the laughter around you blurred into background noise — just the water, the sunlight, and the ache you couldn’t name.

“Oi, someone dare Y/N to do something stupid,” Barty called suddenly, his grin too wide to mean anything good. You groaned, not even bothering to look up. “No. Absolutely not. Not again.”

“Oh, come on,” Evan said, flicking a pebble into the water. “Last time was funny.” “You made me hex my shoes together,” you shot back. Regulus smirked from beside you. “You did faceplant into a staircase after that.”

“That was your fault,” you muttered, though you were fighting a smile. Sirius stretched out on the grass, sunlight catching in his hair. You stood, brushing the grass from your robes. “I’m leaving before your stupidity spreads.”

You turned to go — but the grass near the edge was damp, slick from the lake. One wrong step and your foot slipped. You barely had time to yelp before the world tilted and you plunged straight into the water with a splash.

The lake erupted with laughter. Sirius, being closest, instinctively reached out — but instead of saving yourself , you caught his wrist and yanked. He stumbled forward with a curse, losing balance and crashing right in after you.

For a second, there was only chaos — splashing, shouting, everyone howling with laughter. You came up sputtering, hair plastered to your face, Sirius beside you, eyes wide and dripping.

“Real smooth, princess,” he said between laughs.

“Shut up,” you hissed, splashing him right in the face.

James and Regulus were already getting up, still laughing. “We’ll grab towels!” James called. “Food,” Barty added, waving a hand as he and Evan wandered off toward the castle.

Remus barely looked up from where he was sitting with his boyfriend under the tree, both of them lost in quiet conversation. Lily was helping Peter write a letter nearby, the two of them pretending not to notice the chaos at all.

You were still laughing, completely forgetting that you were soaked from head to toe. The grass squished beneath your hands, the lake water dripping down your arms, but you couldn’t stop — it was too funny, too ridiculous.

Beside you, Sirius pushed his wet hair back with a sigh, shaking his head. “Merlin, you’re impossible,” he muttered, but there was a hint of a smile tugging at his lips.

He stood up first, water streaming off him as he ran a hand through his hair, the sun catching on the droplets. You stayed where you were, still giggling softly.

He sighed, then held out his hand. “Come on,” he said, half teasing, half tired.

You blinked up at him, still catching your breath from laughing, before slipping your hand into his. The moment your fingers touched, the warmth startled you — but you brushed it off, letting him pull you to your feet.

As you stood, your sleeve rolled up slightly, and the water soaking through your clothes had done its damage — the foundation had completely washed away. The ⯌ on your wrist shimmered faintly under the sunlight, clear and undeniable.

You didn’t even notice. You were too busy brushing grass off your robes, muttering about how cold the lake was. But Sirius froze, eyes locked on your wrist, breath catching in his throat.

The laughter around him blurred into nothing. All he could see was that mark — his mark — glowing softly on your skin.

James and Regulus came trudging down the slope, arms full of towels, both still laughing about something. Behind them, Barty and Evan followed with a couple of food boxes they’d managed to charm from the kitchens.

He blurts it out before he can stop himself — “Y/N… your wrist…”

Everyone turns.

You look down, freeze, and realize what he’s staring at. The smudge of foundation is gone — and there it is, the mark you’ve hidden for months. The one that ties you to everything you’ve tried to run from.

The laughter dies immediately.

Regulus’s eyes widen, recognition flickering like lightning. Evan and Barty exchange a look — that mix of curiosity and unease. Even Remus’s conversation trails off mid-sentence, his smile faltering. The entire world seems to narrow down to the space between Sirius and you.

You can feel his gaze — confused, a little betrayed, and something else. Something that makes your throat burn.

You yank your sleeve down. “No. You’re wrong,” you mutter, voice sharp but trembling. You don’t wait for the look on Sirius’s face to change — don’t wait for the questions that will come, or for James’s worried voice. You turn and storm off, heart hammering so loud it drowns out the world.

The mark burns beneath the wet fabric as you walk — and for a second, you almost hate Sirius for noticing. For seeing you when you’ve spent weeks trying to be unseen.

But the worst part — the part that sticks — is the look he gave you before you left. Because he’s given you every reason not to trust him with something like this. Every smirk, every jab, every cruel little joke that made your walls thicker and your smile faker.

The path where you’d gone quieted the world — and then James’s voice cut through it like a knife. “WTF?!” The single word made everyone snap to attention, heads turning, towels and food forgotten in their hands.

Regulus was the first to actually look shaken, his usual smirk wiped clean. He stared at the spot you’d been standing and then at Sirius with an expression that was half disbelief, half something like worry. “No… that can’t be,” he breathed.

Evan and Barty exchanged a look that went from teasing to stunned in a heartbeat. Barty’s grin vanished; Evan’s face went slack. “She… that was her mark?” Barty asked, as if saying it out loud might make it less real.

Sirius stood rooted, towel hanging limply from one hand, water still dripping off his hair. He swallowed like he’d been kicked. “Yeah,” he said finally, too quiet for the circle of noise to reach him properly. “The mark. On her wrist. Everyone saw it.” His voice broke near the end and nobody could pretend they hadn’t heard.

Remus pushed himself up, whole posture suddenly alert and serious. He looked between Sirius and the path you’d taken, jaw tight. “We shouldn’t—” he started, then stopped, because none of them had a plan for this exact kind of mess.

Lily’s face went white but soft with concern; James’s hands curled around a towel like he was ready to throw it at someone. Peter fumbled with his parchment, eyes wide and useless. For a second the only sound was the lake tapping the shore, and over it all the group’s collective breath caught.

The air that followed was heavy and raw. Conversations stuttered into silence. Jokes that might have landed yesterday died in throats. Everyone who’d been laughing a moment before now felt like witnesses to something fragile and terrible — and all of them, whether they wanted to admit it or not, knew the rules of whatever fate had just unspooled.

Sirius finally let the towel slip from his fingers and sink to his sides. He didn’t know what to do next; none of them did. The only thing he felt certain of was that the lake, the sun, even the chatter — all of it had shifted. Nothing would slide back into ordinary after that.

[flowersforbucky]

don’t you ever end up anything but mine

bucky barnes x reader {soulmate au}

everyone is born with a mark that matches their soulmate’s. but what if the red room erased yours before you were old enough to remember it?

word count: 15.7k+ ~ warnings/tags: 18+ only mdni! smut, post thunderbolts, ex widow reader, angst, themes of fate vs choice, heavy mutual pining, no use of y/n, reader is implied to be shorter than bucky, bucky is a level 84827282 yearner, mentions of trauma associated with the red room and hydra, pov switches, oral, reader is afab

author’s note: i haven’t posted anything for bucky in monthsss. this took me an embarrassing amount of time. i think i struggled with this more than anything else i’ve ever written but thanks to @fru1t4fr0gs continuous love and encouragement, i finally finished it after more than two months of writing.

i tried to keep physical descriptions to a minimum but this fic does feature soulmates being born with matching tattoos, birthmarks, scars, etc. also, this fic was inspired by “the prophecy” by taylor swift ♡ i highly recommend giving it a listen!

✧˖*°࿐⭒.⋆˖࣪⭑

Soulmate.

A word that fills most people with hope and peace.

Hope for those who have yet to find their other half, but know that it’s only a matter of time. Peace for those who have already found them, and fall asleep each night knowing that they’re exactly where they’re destined to be.

For others, it can be a word synonymous with grief. They found their soulmate and had to say goodbye to them too soon.

But for you, it means nothing. There’s no warmth, but also no ache. No hope, but no loss, either.

Because there’s no point in hoping for something that’s impossible, and you can’t lose what you weren’t allowed to have in the first place.

✧˖*°࿐⭒.⋆˖࣪⭑

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?”

You smile, and shake your head. It’s the third time she’s asked in the last half hour. You appreciate the invitation, but the thought of being a fifth wheel is somehow more depressing than spending your Friday night holed up in your bedroom eating an egregious number of peanut butter cookies by yourself.

“I’m sure, Lena.” You try your hardest to sound convincing. “It’s been a long week, anyway. I’m just going to relax and catch up on some laundry.”

She gives you an understanding look. At this point, you know she expects you to find some kind of partial truth based excuse to avoid whatever plans she, Bob, Walker and Ava have.

You can’t help it. It gets to you more than it should - seeing Walker and Ava walk hand in hand while Bob has his arm around Yelena’s shoulder and you awkwardly stand to the side or trail behind them.

It wouldn’t be as big of a deal if Valentina hadn’t used it as a marketing tactic to win people over. The New Avengers: not only did they save all of New York from being consumed by interconnected shame rooms, but four of them found their soulmates in the process!

It’s an effective strategy, you’ll give her that much. Really pulls at the heartstrings. People go fucking crazy over it.

“If you change your mind, you know where we’ll be,” she tells you gently before exiting the kitchen to catch up with the others, leaving you to finish baking your cookies. You exhale, roll up your sleeves, and turn back to the bowl of dough on the counter.

Everyone on the team has their own little rituals. Walker wakes up at the ass crack of dawn every morning to go on a run, no matter the weather. Yelena drinks peppermint tea before bed every night. Baking is your thing.

It’s usually a good distraction. It keeps your hands busy and your mind quiet enough. But tonight, on the six month anniversary of the New Avengers forming, your thoughts are louder than usual.

Tonight makes six months of watching almost all of your teammates fall into the kind of love that you have only ever dreamed about. Walker and Ava. Yelena and Bob. Even Alexei has his soulmate in Melina, Yelena’s mother figure.

You drop another scoop of dough onto the baking sheet and for probably the millionth time, you wonder how different your life would be if your soul mark had survived. If you’d only been old enough to remember what it had looked like before the Red Room erased it. Like Yelena. Hers too had been taken from her, but not before she was old enough to commit it to memory - the initials RR written in black cursive letters on her wrist.

But you’d been even younger than her when the Red Room took you, and you have no memory of what your mark looked like or where it had been on your body.

They vary person to person. Some soulmates are born with matching tattoos, others identical birthmarks or scars. Had yours been your mate’s initials, like Yelena and Bob? Or a constellation like Walker and Ava? Maybe a small, heart shaped scar like Alexei and Melina.

Whatever it had been, the Red Room did a phenomenal job of getting rid of it. You’ve inspected your body from head to toe more times than you can count throughout the years, and you’ve never been able to find the faintest trace of what could have once been a soul mark.

“Chocolate chip?”

A familiar voice interrupts your thoughts as you place the cookie sheet in the oven. You glance over your shoulder to find Bucky taking a seat at the kitchen island, undoubtedly returning from the gym or an evening run.

“Peanut butter, actually,” you hum, trying to ignore the way your heart rate spiked at the sight of him, flushed face and glistening skin.

“Peanut butter? You must be feeling adventurous. Friday night is usually chocolate chip night.”

“What can I say?” You sigh, unable to stop the way the corners of your lips quirk upwards. “Felt like changing things up.”

“It’s my lucky night then. Peanut butter is my favorite.”

Your cheeks heat up. You know peanut butter is his favorite, but you don’t tell him that. Just like the way you’ve memorized how he takes his coffee, or the exact protein powder he prefers - details he’s never actually said aloud, yet somehow, you know. Little things that stick in your mind without effort, even though he isn’t yours to take such notice of.

No matter how much you may wish that was the case.

You might know what his favorite kind of cookies are, but you don’t know the one thing you wish to know the most about him. Where or what his soul mark is.

You’ve never seen it, so it’s safe to assume that it isn’t somewhere highly visible, like his wrist or neck. But you can’t stop yourself from wondering sometimes - what does his mark look like? Has he found his soulmate? He’s single now, but has he always been alone? Maybe it was someone he knew a century ago, before the war? Before Hydra? Before his innocence and bodily autonomy were stripped away? Someone old and gray now, or someone that he’s already lost?

Or is he still searching, all these decades later?

As curious as you are, you don’t ask. Asking someone about their soul mark is like asking about their weight or salary. It’s taboo - you just don’t do it. If they volunteer the information, fine. But Bucky has never mentioned his mark or his mate, so it remains as much of a mystery to you as your own mark.

You realize that you’re staring at him and try to play it off. “Really? I would’ve guessed chocolate chip’s your favorite by the way you ate over half of them last week.”

There’s a look of exaggerated hurt on his face, but he can’t hide the amusement in his eyes. “I can’t believe you’d say that to your most loyal taste-tester.”

You roll your eyes. “Yeah, well, my most loyal taste-tester is going to have to start pulling his weight if he’s going to keep eating half of the product.”

“Pulling my weight?” His brows shoot up. His eyes dart back and forth from yours to all of the ingredients and baking supplies spread across the kitchen island. “I mean, I’d be happy to, but you’re gonna have to teach me.”

“Teach you?” You snort, unsure if he’s just messing with you. “Have you never made cookies before?”

“Well, not from scratch, no,” he admits with a sheepish grin. “But it’s better to learn at 110 years old than to never learn at all, right?”

You purse your lips to refrain from looking too excited at the prospect of getting to spend your Friday evening teaching him to make cookies, but you don’t doubt that it reaches your eyes. You can think of very few ways that you’d rather spend your time, but you don’t want to seem overeager. He probably just doesn’t have anything better to do tonight.

“I suppose it is your lucky night. I just so happen to have enough ingredients left for one more batch.”

He comes to stand beside you on the other side of the island. With all of the ingredients already on hand, you slide the mixing bowl in front of him. If he really wants to learn to bake cookies, the best way to do so is a little hands on experience.

You can’t help but think he looks a little apprehensive as he picks up a measuring cup. “Don’t tell me the Winter Soldier is intimidated by baking.”

He rolls his eyes, his already flushed cheeks turning a deeper red. “By baking? Psh. No. By how you’re going to critique my cookies? Maybe a little.”

“I’ll try to go easy on you,” you promise. You hand him a piece of paper with your handwritten recipe on it. “Now start by combining the peanut butter, unsalted butter, brown sugar, granulated sugar, and vanilla. Then mix all of that together until it’s smooth. Sound easy enough?”

“I think I can handle that.”

You take a seat on one of the barstools beside him and watch as he takes his time measuring each ingredient before dumping them into the mixing bowl.

Right away, he’s focused. His brows knit together and his lips are pressed in a firm line - by looking at him, you’d think he’s trying to diffuse a bomb instead of measuring out a cup of peanut butter. You try not to stare too hard, but you find it quite endearing.

It’s impossible to not notice the way a thick lock of his dark hair falls into his face when he leans over the bowl, or the way he seems to bite the inside of his cheek when he’s concentrating particularly hard on getting the measurement of the brown sugar just right.

It’s a far more gentle and domestic version of him than you see most days. It hits you how much you long to see this side of him more often. No training, no missions, no teammates surrounding you almost always.

For a moment, you allow yourself to pretend that soulmates don’t exist. That no one has marks that tell them who they should be with. It would be so much easier, in a lot of ways, you think. At least for people like you.

He turns to you, interrupting your thoughts as he shows you the pale brown mixture in the bowl. “Like this?” He asks, an almost eager smile on his face.

“Perfect,” you hum, hoping that your face doesn’t give any of your thoughts away. He smiles, visibly pleased with himself at your praise, and waits for the next set of instructions.

So you do all that you know how to do - push your thoughts down and enjoy this moment for what it is. Even if it’ll never be anything more.

✧˖*°࿐⭒.⋆˖࣪⭑

Bucky had lied to you, and he doesn’t regret it.

Well, partially lied.

Peanut butter cookies aren’t his favorite anymore. They had been - but these days he’s more partial to chocolate chip, thanks to you making the best chocolate chip cookies he’s ever had.

But an excuse to spend the evening with you is a valid reason for telling a white lie, in his opinion. He had been telling the truth when he told you that he’s never baked cookies from scratch before.

What can he say? Baking wasn’t exactly something he was interested in back in his twenties, and he’s been busy, to say the least, since he was pardoned a few years ago. For the first time in over seventy years, life is just now settling down enough for him to think about something as mundane as baking.

No, he’s never cared about baking too much, but that started to change about six months ago. Not even forty-eight hours had passed since The Void had nearly succeeded in turning New York into a giant cloud of shame rooms when he followed the scent of cinnamon and vanilla to the Watchtower’s communal kitchen, where he found you making cinnamon rolls from scratch.

You had been so immersed in rolling the dough into a perfect log that you hadn’t noticed him enter the room. Right away, his eyes were drawn to the dusting of flour that you’d somehow managed to get all over your cheek. He couldn’t help but think back to just forty-eight hours prior when instead of flour on your face, it had been blood and grime from the aftermath of The Void. You were just as pretty then, he thought, but there was something so peaceful about you in that moment that he couldn’t stop himself from watching you.

Until you inevitably looked up and saw him staring at you like a creep.

He had yet to decide whether he wanted to stay at the Watchtower or go home. Valentina had announced to the entire world that you’re all members of the New Avengers and an invitation to live in the Watchtower had been extended to the whole team, but Bucky already had his own place in Brooklyn - a city that had just started to feel like home again.

Did he really want to terminate the lease to his private apartment and move into the Watchtower with a bunch of people that he barely knew and Walker?

But as he stood there and watched you cut the rolled dough into equal sized pieces, the answer became clear to him: with you here, this is place could easily feel like home to him, too.

He felt a little crazy for thinking so. He barely knew you. He’d only met you a few days ago, but every time he was in close proximity to you, he felt it - a faint, phantom tingling sensation deep in the vibranium plating of his left forearm.

Right where his soul mark used to be.

Six months later, he still has to convince himself that he’s imagining it. Even if his mark hadn’t been ripped from his body when he fell from that train nearly a century ago, that isn’t how soul marks work. They aren’t magnets. They don’t tingle or glow or ache when one is in the general vicinity of their soulmate.

It’s wishful thinking for something that he’ll never have. That’s all. His mate is probably in a senior care facility or six feet under already.

He knows this. Reminds himself of it as he falls asleep each night. You and him - the two of you aren’t Bob and Yelena. Or Walker and Ava. No, the two of you didn’t get quite so lucky. His mark exists only in his memory and yours is a mystery even to you.

He wonders though, when he’s reminding himself of these things, if it would really be so crazy to forget about it all - soul marks, destiny, fate - and just choose each other.

Because when he looks at you, he finds it hard to care about the lack of ink on your skin. He thinks about what his own mark looked like, and the thought of yours having been different doesn’t lessen his feelings for you.

Maybe it should. Maybe he should hold out hope that his mate is still out there, waiting for him with a mark identical to the one he once had.

But the thought of that doesn’t excite him like it should. It fills him with a sense of dread. Because in the unlikely event of finding his soulmate at 110 years old, he’d be forced to face the reality that it isn’t you.

So instead, he hangs onto the tiniest sliver of hope he feels every time the phantom itch in the crevice of his vibranium arm flares up.

✧˖*°࿐⭒.⋆˖࣪⭑

“This sure would be a lot easier if someone could fly.”

The twelve foot tall tree in the middle of the New Avenger’s common area is almost fully decorated. Through the combined efforts of all seven of you, the branches of the bottom two-thirds of the tree now twinkle with ornaments and lights of every shape and color.

There’s no theme whatsoever, and it looks like a bunch of five year olds got their hands on it, but it’s been a lot more fun than you expected it to be. You don’t remember the last time you decorated a Christmas tree. Plus, Walker has only been somewhat of a control freak.

Bob rolls his eyes at Walker’s teasing and hands Yelena another ornament from where he stands at the base of her ladder. “Why don’t you try to fly, Walker?” says Yelena, always quick to match his energy. “Just step right off of that ladder and give it your best effort.”

You shake your head at them, focusing on the shimmery gold ornament in your hand. Unlike Yelena and Walker, you don’t have a ladder, instead choosing to add a final few ornaments to the bottom half of the tree. The branch you want to hang it on is just out of reach, even standing as tall as you possibly can on the tips of your toes. You lean a little farther, wishing your arm was just an inch longer—

Yelena yelps and Walker curses as the entire tree shifts slightly. Your foot slips on the tree skirt and you brace yourself to fall directly into the tree when firm hands grab onto your hips from behind, steadying you.

You instinctively step back, trying to put space between you and the gargantuan tree before you can completely knock it over, your back colliding with a solid mass that stops you in your tracks. You’re vaguely aware of Walker scolding you to be careful, but all you can focus on is the stark contrast of warm skin and cold metal on either side of your waist.

“I assumed that Alexei would be the one almost accidentally knocking over the tree,” Bucky laughs lowly. You feel the soft vibration of it against your back. Only when you tilt your head to look up at him does he drop his hold on your waist and step back.

“He doesn’t have enough eggnog in him yet,” you mumble, your cheeks hot from the sudden close proximity. “Give it another hour and we’ll see if this tree is still standing upright.”

Without taking his eyes off of you, he takes the ornament that you’d been attempting to hang on the tree out of your hand and comes to stand beside you. “Where did you want this?”

“Oh - uh,” you look away from him, back to the tree in front of you. Your eyes dart around, suddenly unable to pinpoint the branch that had seemed like the perfect spot just moments ago. “Just…right here,” you shrug, motioning to a random branch in the general vicinity of where you’d been reaching.

He smiles, placing the ornament on the branch without any difficulty. Show off.

“Is that good?” He asks, his gaze back on you.

“That’s perfect.” You nod a bit too quickly and your voice sounds breathier than intended, but if he notices, he doesn’t say anything.

He’s just being helpful, you tell yourself. He didn’t want you to fall into a tree. You would’ve knocked the entire thing over and dozens of ornaments would have shattered and then—

Yelena calls your name, breaking the tension between you. She’s climbing down from her ladder with an amused expression. “We are completely out of ornament hooks. Will you come with me to buy more?”

Something about the look on her face makes you nervous to say yes, but the alternative is to stay here and try to pretend like Bucky didn’t just make your brain completely short circuit, so you agree.

As soon as the elevator is in motion, she turns to you with a smile that makes your stomach tie itself in knots.

“I have a confession to make.”

You exhale. “Let me guess. We aren’t actually out of hooks?”

“Nope.”

You brace yourself. This would not be the first time she’s broached the subject - you and Bucky. She’s made little teasing comments here and there over the last few months, but she’s never pushed you too much. But between finding an excuse to get you alone and the look on her face, you know your luck has run out.

“So,” she continues, infuriatingly casual. “Who do you think will be the first to break? You or Bucky? Personally, I think it will be Bucky. Bob thinks it could go either way, but I suppose only time will tell.”

You snort, refusing to look her in the eye. Not that it matters - she can see right through you, anyway. “I hate to disappoint, but you’re wasting your time placing bets on me and Bucky. We’re just friends. That’s all. You know that,” you add in a smaller voice.

From your peripheral vision, you can see her shaking her head. “Just friends do not look at each other like that.”

“And how do we look at each other, exactly?”

You can’t help it. The question leaves your lips before you can stop yourself. It shouldn’t matter. The answer serves no purpose other than satisfying a selfish curiosity. Whatever she says won’t change the truth of the matter: you and Bucky will never be anything more than you are right now. Whatever that is.

“He…looks at you like you hung the moon and stars. Like you are the moon and stars, really.” She may have been joking about her and Bob betting on your love life, but she’s completely serious now. “And you…well, you look at him like he is the only thing you really want but will not let yourself have.”

The elevator comes to a stop at the first floor of the Watchtower. A large group of people are waiting to enter as soon as the doors open, and you can’t help but feel grateful for the brief moment it gives you to process what Yelena had just said. She grabs you by the arm, looping hers through yours as she guides you through the throng of people.

You don’t even bother trying to argue. Do you really believe that Bucky looks at you as if you hung the moon and stars? No, but Yelena does, and when she has truly made up her mind about something, there’s no point in trying to convince her otherwise.

“I don’t suppose it really matters, does it?” You sigh. “At the end of the day, facial expressions aren’t what make people…” You trail off, unable to bring yourself to say the word. It tastes a little more sour every time you do.

“Soulmates?”

“Yeah,” you grimace. “Soulmates.”

She doesn’t say anything for a moment. Just hums to herself in thought. Then, she hugs your arm tighter, as if you might go sprinting down the street at what she says next.

“Have you ever considered that it doesn’t matter as much as you think it does?”

You tense beneath her touch. “That’s easy—”

“Easy for me to say, I know,” she interrupts. “I know our situations are not exactly the same. I do not know how you feel. But I am not blind. I see the way you look at each other…it reminds me of how Bob and I look at each other. How Walker and Ava look at each other. How every pair of soulmates I have ever known have looked at each other.”

When you don’t respond, she continues. “It is only natural for you to wish to know the truth. But you may never get the answers you long for. Does that really mean you should resign yourself to being alone for the rest of your life when love is right in front of you?”

You swallow hard, trying to force down the sudden lump in your throat. “I don’t think it’s that simple.”

“Maybe not,” she agrees. “But simple or not, it’s still a choice that you have. The Red Room tried to take that choice away from you. All I’m saying is that you should not let them.”

You could tell her to drop it. Part of you wants to. Part of you wants to say but they already did. But deep down, you know she isn’t entirely wrong.

Truthfully, you’ve never had much of a reason to care. For as long as you can remember, you have told yourself that it doesn’t matter - the lack of answers. The matter of choice. You had resigned yourself to a life of solitude a long time ago. You’d made peace with it all. At least, as much as you could.

But that was before you met someone that made you want to say screw destiny and question all of the rules.

That was before Bucky.

“You’re really nosey sometimes. You know that?”

She snorts a laugh. “I might be nosey, but I am also right. Usually. Most of the time.”

You roll your eyes. “That’s reassuring.”

“Let me ask you this,” she implores. “If you were to find out today that he is not your soulmate, would it change the way you feel about him? Or would you still love him?”

“No pressure to answer me,” she continues quickly. “Just…give it some thought, yes?”

As if it doesn’t already consume your every waking thought.

✧˖*°࿐⭒.⋆˖࣪⭑

Bucky had been naive to think that he’d actually get to sleep in today. He hasn’t had a Saturday off in nearly two months, why would today be any different?

No, he isn’t surprised when his phone buzzes with a text from Valentina to the team’s group chat demanding a last minute meeting at the crack of dawn this morning.

Zero indication as to what is so urgent, of course. That’s not Valentina’s communication style. Just be at this place, at this time, and don’t ask any questions.

He’d been having the best dream, too. A dream he’s had more times than he can count - not all that much different than what he daydreams about while awake, but it always feels more lifelike when conjured by his subconscious.

You, prancing around an apartment that overlooks the city. He doesn’t recognize the place, but it looks how he’d imagine home to be. Low, soft lighting and a vase of fresh wildflowers on a dining room table just big enough for two. Occasionally, a small white cat makes an appearance, weaving herself between Bucky’s legs and purring in an effort to get his attention.

You never say a word. You don’t need to. He’s content to watch as you chop vegetables at the kitchen island, bare-faced and wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt. Every few minutes, you glance up from your task and smile at him.

It’s simple. Impossibly so. There’s no New Avengers, no missions or impending doom. It’s just you and him, somewhere entirely your own. And it always ends too soon.

Reality is never quite as sweet.

Listening to Walker, Yelena, and Valentina all try to talk over each other at seven o’clock in the morning on a Saturday, before he’s had a chance to take a sip of coffee… that’s his reality.

You sit directly across from him, slouched back in your chair and pinching the bridge of your nose with your eyes closed. Bucky is at least attempting to hide his displeasure at this morning’s agenda, but yours is on full display. This doesn’t surprise him in the slightest, as you aren’t much of a morning person even in the best of circumstances.

“Alright, alright!” Val snaps at Yelena and Walker with enough bite to shut them up. Then, addressing the whole group with a sarcastic smile, “How lovely of you all to join me this morning.”

“Didn’t really have a choice, did we?” Ava mumbles.

“No, you didn’t,” Valentina agrees. “I have a flight to Mumbai to catch in a few hours so I need to get this over with.” In front of her are a stack of manila folders. One at a time, she slides the folders across the table to each member, starting with you.

Bucky watches as you open yours with a yawn, your tired expression morphing into something between confusion and unease within seconds of skimming the first page. Your eyes dart back and forth between Valentina and whatever it is you’re seeing. Bucky opens his folder the second it lands in front of him.

“What the hell is this?” You ask, not bothering to hide the annoyance in your voice.

Bucky’s eyes scan the first page. Key words catch his attention: Slovakia. Decommissioned Hydra warehouse. Low frequency signal detected. Encrypted, Hydra coding.

He knows this facility. He’s never been there personally, but he knows someone who has.

Someone sitting directly across from him, looking like she’s seconds away from jumping across the table and throttling Valentina or throwing up.

“This should be straight forward,” Val answers. “Details can be found in the dossiers I’ve given you all. All you really need to know is that there’s some kind of low frequency signal pinging from what should be an inactive Hydra base in Slovakia. The site was flagged three days ago. It’s weak and intermittent, but seeing as how Hydra fell over a decade ago, it should not exist.”

“So? What?” Yelena huffs. “You want us to do a welfare check on a haunted warehouse?”

“You’re verifying that the site is empty,” Val clarifies impatiently. “If it’s not, you neutralize whatever is there and secure anything of value. Files, tech, archives.”

Your eyes snap back to Valentina at that.

“You know your way around, I presume?” Val directs the question at you. “You were stationed there for a brief time, after all.”

Your face is unreadable. Bucky normally prides himself on being able to read you like an open book, but right now, he’s drawing blanks. When you’d first opened the folder, you looked like you were seeing a ghost. Now, your expression is impassive - eerily calm for someone who has just learned they’re being asked to return to a place they were once held prisoner and pumped full of drugs that took away their free will.

Whatever you’re feeling, whatever you’re thinking, you’re doing a great job at hiding it.

“If by brief time you mean over ten years,” you say flatly, “then yes. I know my way around.”

“That’s why you’re running point on this operation. No one else has been—”

“It can’t be too difficult of a place to navigate, can it?” Bucky speaks up for the first time since entering the briefing room. “Most Hydra bases are roughly the same. I’m sure that the five of us can handle it ourselves.” He glances around the room at Yelena, Ava, Walker, and Alexei. “I don’t think it’s necessary to make her go back—”

“I’m fine, Bucky,” you interrupt, gentle but firm. “No one is making me do anything.”

“Perfect.” The annoyed look on Val’s face is quickly replaced with a satisfied smirk. “The jet leaves in twenty-four hours. You’re dismissed.”

And just like that, the meeting is over. Chairs scrape back against the floor. Ava and Walker are already halfway to the door, Walker muttering something about Val wasting his weekends under his breath. Alexei follows, declaring he’s going to sleep the entire flight to Slovakia. Only Yelena hesitates, looking at you as she stands. She seems to be searching for the same answers as Bucky, but when you don’t look up from the folder in front of you, she reluctantly follows the others.

Bucky doesn’t move.

You slowly close your folder with a steady exhale. When you finally stand, you don’t look at him. You’re the only two left in the room, and you don’t say a word to him as you start to walk towards the door with the folder clutched to your chest.

“Hey,” he calls softly, standing to follow you. “Wait.”

You stop just short of the entryway. For a second, he thinks you won’t turn around at all. When you do, your expression isn’t quite as stoic as it was moments ago. Your face mostly remains neutral, but there’s a storm of emotions in your eyes.

“You’re sure you’re okay with this?” He asks, his voice low even though you’re alone now. “Going back there?”

You give a small shrug. “We’ve had plenty of missions far more complicated than this.”

He frowns. “That’s not what I asked. I’m asking about you.”

“I know what you’re asking, Bucky,” you say flatly, “and I said I’m fine. I’m going with you guys. Alright? Drop it.”

You’re turning around and walking away before he can get another word out. He stands there, staring after you with his mouth agape and your name on the tip of his tongue.

He feels it as he watches you disappear down the hallway. The faint but undeniable phantom itch in the bend of his vibranium arm. His flesh hand comes to rest atop the spot where his soul mark used to be.

It may as well be a tiny devil perched on his shoulder urging him to chase after you.

✧˖*°࿐⭒.⋆˖࣪⭑

You don’t go back to your room.

You take the file and go straight to the roof of the Watchtower. It’s windy, and cold, but the alternative is your bedroom where the silence is just a little too loud right now.

There’s something about the hum of the bustling city below that serves as calming white noise to your mind when it’s whirling. So, you often come up here when you need to clear your head.

There’s a small part of you that expects - and selfishly hopes - that Bucky will follow you. Still, you aren’t surprised when he doesn’t. You’d been short with him when he had shown concern for you, and he didn’t deserve that.

You’ll apologize to him later. It’s probably for the best that you aren’t near him at the moment, anyway. Looking at him will only make you second guess what you’re about to do.

Of course you don’t want to go back to Slovakia. Going back there is something that had never even crossed your mind until Val said the word archives and a lightbulb went off in your brain.

Archives that might not even exist anymore. That might have been destroyed ages ago. That might have never existed in the first place.

Archives with information about you.

You had been stationed there for over a decade, after all. You and dozens of other widows at various points. There had to have been some sort of records about all of you. Personal history, special abilities, weaknesses. Operations and procedures you’d undergone throughout your life. Maybe, just maybe - the smallest maybe possibly ever - documentation about your soul mark and its removal.

It’s a long shot. But it isn’t impossible.

And if you’re ever going to get an answer to the question that most people never even have to ask themselves because the answer is displayed on their bodies, this is your chance. What are the odds that you’ll ever have another?

You tighten your grip on the file in your hands as if the wind might carry it away. You try to read through the first few pages of the dossier, but all of the words just run together on the page. After trying to read the same paragraph for a fifth time, you slam the folder closed with a huff.

You can’t retain any of the information because you can’t get his fucking face out of your head.

Every time you picture his ocean eyes, or his plush pink lips, or his effortlessly perfect hair that most people would only be able to achieve with the help of a Dyson Airwrap, it makes your conversation with Yelena replay in your mind.

Have you ever considered that it doesn’t matter as much as you think it does?

If you were to find out today that he is not your soulmate, would it change the way you feel about him?

Or would you still love him?

Deep down, you know the answer. No, it wouldn’t make a difference. You’d love him. You’d love him no matter the truth.

But he has a mate. There’s someone for him, somewhere. And maybe, just maybe, if you can see proof that you have a mate - that there’s someone, somewhere meant for you - it’ll at least lessen the ache that you feel in your chest every time you look at him.

That’s what you’re going to keep telling yourself, anyway.

“I can tell that you’re plotting something.”

The sudden voice makes you nearly jump out of your skin. You jerk your head around fast enough to give yourself whiplash, though you know who it is before you see him.

“I’m not sure what it is,” Bucky shrugs, thumbs hooked in the front pockets of his jeans. “But I know you well enough to know you’re plotting something.”

You huff, though this time it’s more out of amusement than frustration. You look away from him, back to the morning skyline in front of you. “How’d you know that I’m up here?”

Soft steps thud against concrete until you feel his shoulder brush against yours.

“Like I said. I know you well enough.”

You hum. He might be a little cocky, but he isn’t wrong.

Here you are, as suspected. Plotting.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” you say, partially because it’s true and partially because it’s easier to apologize than it is to confirm or deny his assumption. You glance at him to find that he’s already looking at you.

He shrugs again. “I’ll let it slide if you tell me what you came up here to think about.”

You sigh. You know him well enough, too. Well enough to know he isn’t going to drop this easily. You breathe in, bracing yourself for what you’re about to say. Bracing yourself for whatever his reaction may be.

“I’m thinking about something I’m going to do in Slovakia.”

He shifts his weight, turning to face you fully and leaning against the railing. “Okay,” he says patiently. “Do you want to tell me what that is?”

You swallow hard, choosing to stare down at your hands instead of meeting his eyes.

“There might be files in the base,” you start. “Might be leftover archives. Records with information about the widows that were stationed there.” Your face warms under his stare but you still can’t bring yourself to look up. “I want to check. I want to see if there’s anything about me. About my past, what was done to me as a child. About what was…taken from me.”

For a moment, the silence between you is filled only with the sound of traffic below and the low howl of wind. And then—

“Okay,” he murmurs.

Your head snaps up. You blink. “Okay..?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “If you think there’s something there worth looking for, then we will look.”

We.

You shake your head. “No. You don’t have to—”

“I know.” His voice is gentle, but there’s no trace of pity. “I know I don’t have to. But you shouldn’t have to face that alone.”

Your mouth opens but nothing comes out. You aren’t entirely sure what you expected him to say, but it wasn’t this - no hesitation, no questions asked.

It makes your chest ache in a way that you can’t fully explain. There’s gratitude, but there’s also fear. Gratitude that he’s willing to help you with something so deeply personal. Fear that maybe the outcome - should you actually succeed in finding what you’re searching for - won’t affect him either way.

It crosses your mind, just for a split second, that you should ask him right then and there. What is your soul mark? Is it on your chest, your ribcage, your back? Do you hope that mine looks exactly like it?

But you don’t. You’re too scared of the answers.

“It might be a giant waste of time,” you murmur instead. “I don’t even know for certain if there were ever any files to begin with. Let alone all these years later…”

“If it helps bring you peace of mind,” he says softly, his gaze unwavering, “then it isn’t a waste of time.” He offers a small smile, though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “You deserve answers. Whatever they may be.”

You nod because you don’t trust your voice enough to speak.

Best case scenario? A slight tremor in your voice when you try to say thank you.

Worst case scenario? You word vomit every thought you’ve had since learning you’ll be returning to Slovakia.

✧˖*°࿐⭒.⋆˖࣪⭑

Bucky wishes that he could be selfish when it comes to you. With every fiber of his being, with every molecule, he wants to be selfish.

And if he loved you just a little bit less, he would be. If he didn’t love you enough to care more about your happiness than his own, he wouldn’t hesitate to tell you that he doesn’t want you to step foot anywhere in Slovakia.

But he does love you that much. He loves you enough to stand by your side as you search for the revelation that fate says you belong with someone who isn’t him.

Not only stand by you - actively help you make that discovery.

Because if anyone deserves to know the truth, if anyone deserves that shot at finding true love, it’s you. Even if it leads to you eventually finding your soulmate and he has to watch you fall in love. Even if it isn’t with him.

“So, what’s the plan?” Bucky murmurs low enough that none of the other super-soldiers in the jet can hear him, taking a seat directly across from you. “Val put you in charge here, so I’m assuming you have a plan. What are we doing?”

Yelena is piloting with Ava beside her in the cockpit. Walker is cleaning his guns a few yards away and Alexei appears to be sleeping, but he isn’t snoring loudly enough to rock the whole damn jet, so Bucky isn’t convinced.

A couple hours into the nine hour flight to Bratislava, you’re curled up in one of the leather seats by the window with the mission folder open across your lap. You sit up straighter, your knees brushing against his.

“My memory is a bit hazy since I was under chemical subjugation the whole time I was there,” you say quietly, closing the file and glancing out the window beside you. “But from what I can remember, the building’s layout was relatively straight forward. I doubt it has changed very much.”

“We’ll sweep the basement,” you continue, now looking at him. “You and me. If there are any sort of archives, that’s where they’ll be. Yelena and Alexei will take the east wing and Ava and Walker will take the west. If they find anything of concern, we abandon our little side quest and go to them right away. Even if things go smoothly, we won’t have a lot of time to search. Ten, maybe fifteen minutes max.”

He nods in agreement. “However much time we have, we’ll make it count.”

You purse your lips, once again looking back to the endless expanse of ocean and sky outside of the jet. You’re nervous - he can tell by the tension in your jaw and the way you’re fidgeting with a ring on your thumb. He just isn’t sure if you’re more scared of not finding answers… or finding them.

“Hey.” He leans forward and braces his forearms on his thighs. His hand comes to rest on your knee - a featherlight touch to remind you that he’s there. That he’s with you, no matter how this goes. Your gaze flashes down to his flesh hand on your leg and then to his face.

“I mean it,” he murmurs. “We’ll take however much time we can get it. If there’s anything down there worth finding, we’ll do everything in our power to find it.”

You huff a humorless laugh. “You seem awfully sure for someone who’s never seen the place.”

He shrugs, his lips quirking ever so slightly. “Call it a gut feeling.”

That’s what he’s been calling it, anyway. Because he doesn’t know how else to explain the way he just knows that by this time tomorrow, everything will be different.

For better or for worse.

✧˖*°࿐⭒.⋆˖࣪⭑

The abandoned base is somehow even colder than you remember it being. Despite the well below freezing winter temperatures, you’re sweating through your tactical suit.

Yelena had noticed that you were distracted. Of course she had noticed. You’d barely been able to give everyone their mission instructions because your thoughts were running wild with all of the unknowns - all of your questions that may or may be answered by the time you’re back on the jet.

You’d tried your hardest to lie through your teeth and assure her that you’re fine. You doubt you were very convincing, but thankfully she didn’t have time to hound you before she needed to land the jet.

Like muscle memory, you find your way down to the lowermost level with Bucky right beside you. He’s been uncharacteristically quiet since your conversation on the flight to Slovakia, but the warmth from his arm brushing against yours every few steps is enough to keep you from completely spiraling at the unwelcome familiarity that has crept into your bones since you crossed the threshold of the building.

The overhead lights are long dead, leaving only the illumination of your flashlights to guide the way. Every sound feels infinitely louder down here, from the scuff of your boots against the concrete to the slow, steady drip of water from somewhere in the distance.

“This is it,” you whisper, more to yourself than to him. “This is the last level. I think.”

Bucky nods. “You’re doing good.”

You want to laugh at that. Your hands won’t stop shaking and your heart is beating so hard it feels like it’s trying to break out of your ribs. You’re barely keeping your composure.

A left turn. Then a right. You don’t have to think about it. Your body begins to remember the path, even if your brain wishes it didn’t. Soon, you stop in front of a rusted metal door. An old biometric lock is nothing but a dead panel now, a spiderweb of cracks running across the busted screen.

Bucky steps forward without hesitation. He wedges his metal fingers into the seam of the door and pulls. The screech of rusted hinges ricochets down the empty corridor, loud enough to make you flinch.

“Sorry,” he murmurs. He isn’t looking at the door - he’s looking at you, checking if you’re still with him. “You okay?”

You swallow and nod once.

Inside, the room is dark and the air is thick with dust and disuse. But the outline of shelves and dozens of tall, metal filing cabinets are visible in the glow of your flashlights.

Your stomach somersaults. This has to be it. If anything is to be found, it’s in this room. Bucky called it a gut feeling, but you feel it in your bones.

You don’t even know where to start. This had been one of the very few rooms completely off limits to the widows. Of course, you’d never questioned it at the time, but now you hope that the restriction had been in place to prevent you and the other girls from discovering certain information.

Bucky shines his flashlight towards the far right of the room. “We’ll start on opposite sides,” he suggests quietly. “Meet in the middle?”

He pauses, his gaze settling on your face before taking a step inside the room. He looks like he wants to ask are you sure you’re ready for this?

You wouldn’t know how to answer that if he asked. But you came all this way, so you suppose you have no choice but to be ready.

“Okay,” you whisper.

You move to the nearest cabinet. The metal handle is icy beneath your fingers. You hesitate for half a heartbeat and then pull it open with a rusty screech.

Inside are rows and rows of old manila folders, each labeled in Russian. You curse under your breath - your Russian is a bit rusty to say the least. You primarily spoke Slovak and Hungarian.

Dates. Identification codes. Names that you don’t recognize. Words in a language you aren’t fluent in.

You take a deep breath and begin flipping through the files. One by one, line by line, until you’re confident that each one contains nothing of value.

You try to move as strategically as possible, forcing yourself not to rush even though the voice in the back of your head keeps reminding you that you don’t have much time. Any of your teammates could call for help at any given moment.

Most of the files are filled with incident logs and mission reports, some are behavioral assessments of girls who may or may not still be alive. You don’t recognize any names.

You grab one at random and flip it open.

Not you. Another widow - someone you didn’t even know that you remembered until right now, looking at a grainy, black and white Polaroid of her young face.

You can feel your heartbeat pounding in your ears.

Is she still alive? Did she make it out of this place? Has she found safety? Happiness? A life for herself, like you have?

“Any luck yet?”

Bucky’s voice snaps you out of your trance. You clear your throat, quickly closing the file and cramming it back in the drawer.

“No,” you murmur, voice strained. “Nothing yet. Nothing about me.”

You keep going. Third cabinet, then fourth, then fifth.

Your stomach feels as if it is tying itself in knots, each drawer that turns up empty making bile rise higher in your throat. Maybe this was stupid. Maybe there’s nothing here. Maybe Bucky was wrong, maybe you were wrong, maybe this is a waste of time and—

Your fingers halt on a tab. The label is faded and the ink is smudged with age, but the writing is still visible. Still legible. Numbers - it’s how they identified you. Widows were just numbers to them. Just assets. Not people worthy of names.

“Bucky.”

Your voice is only a notch above a whisper, but he hears you. He pauses what he’s doing right away and walks the short distance to where you stand frozen with the manila folder clutched in your trembling hands.

“68465,” he breathes, then glances up at you. “That’s you?”

“Yeah,” you whisper. “This is me.” You place the flashlight you’re still gripping tight on top of the filing cabinet to take the file in both hands.

You could be seconds away from answers. From closure.

Still, you hesitate. Your mouth goes painfully dry and your fingers hover over the cover as you’re hit with the overwhelming realization that whatever you see when you open this file cannot be unlearned. Once you open it, there’s no going back.

But you came all this way for this. 4,263 miles, to be exact.

You take a deep breath and start to pull the cover back.

“Wait.”

Bucky’s vibranium hand closes around your wrist before the folder opens a fraction of an inch. You freeze, looking up at him. He’s already looking at you, mouth parted like he’s on the verge of saying something but holding himself back.

“What?” You breathe. “What is it?”

He doesn’t drop your hand. His grip is loose enough that you could pull away if you wanted to. But you’re still frozen in place, your heart pounding in your chest.

“Before you open that, there’s something you need to know. Something that I should have told you before now,” he says, voice low.

You nod because you don’t trust your voice enough to speak.

“I don’t care what that file says,” he starts, looking at you with a kind of intensity that you’ve never seen from him before. “It doesn’t matter to me.” He pauses, exhaling a shaky breath.

You shake your head meekly. “I don’t understand—”

“Because I’m in love with you.”

The confession is followed by the kind of silence that would allow you to hear a pin drop from down the hallway. You blink, trying to convince yourself that this isn’t your subconscious playing some kind of twisted joke on you.

Your body feels numb except for where the icy vibranium of his fingers still grip your wrist. You open your mouth, but nothing comes out.

“I’m sorry if that’s weird for you to hear,” he continues, swallowing thickly. “I know my timing isn’t great. But I needed you to hear it. At least once. Before everything changes. I’m in love with you. Even if you open that file and find out that you’re meant to be with someone else. Even if your mark looks nothing like mine, it won’t change the way I feel about you. I’ll love you just the same as I do right now.”

You hold your breath the entire time he’s speaking, only exhaling when heavy silence settles over the room and you feel lightheaded. A thousand different questions race through your mind.

“Bucky—”

Crackling static from your comms interrupt whatever thought hasn't even finished forming inside your head when you speak his name.

Yelena’s voice fills the silence and Bucky finally drops your hand.

“Guys? We think we found the source of the signal,” she calls, blissfully unaware of what she is interrupting. “Looks like some old equipment came back online. Probably just wires short circuiting from the recent snowstorm.”

Walker’s voice pours from the comms next, muttering some complaint about traveling so far for nothing, but you’re not paying attention to him.

Neither is Bucky. His gaze drops from your face down to the file in your hands.

“Barnes?” Yelena calls, followed by your name. “Can you two hear us?”

You click on your comm without looking away from him. “Yeah,” you answer, your voice cracking. “We hear you. Let’s get out of here.”

It’s not that you want to walk away from him. It’s that you can’t fucking think straight while he’s looking at you the way that he is. Like you have the ability to break his heart into pieces with whatever you choose to say next.

And even if you didn’t know that was possible until two minutes ago, breaking his heart is the last thing you ever want to do. But he just dropped a nuclear level bomb and said the last words you ever fucking expected him to say to you.

You don’t know what to think. What to feel. You’re torn between kissing him, looking in your file for the answers you came here for, and screaming at the top of your lungs.

You do none of these things, of course.

Instead of doing something in the heat of the moment that you might regret, you tuck the file under your arm and turn to walk away.

You haven’t even taken three steps when a hand closes around your wrist again. This time, warm skin instead of vibranium. You immediately come to a halt - both your steps and your breathing.

“Say something,” he pleads, voice low. “Anything.”

You don’t look back. Can’t quite bear to face him. At least until you’ve had a chance to clear your head and attempt to make sense of what you’re feeling right now.

But you don’t pull your hand away, either.

“I just need some time to think,” you whisper, though it feels like you’re shouting in the eerily quiet warehouse basement. “I don’t know what to say, Bucky. I just..need some time.”

His fingers twitch around your wrist like he’s debating whether he should let go or hold on. “Okay,” he whispers back. “I can wait. When you know what to say, you know where to find me.”

God. He’s so good. Gentle, patient, understanding. Even now, when you can’t bring yourself to say the one thing he most wants to hear.

You nod because your throat is too tight for words. You nod because if you open your mouth, you’ll let your heart make a decision that you aren’t ready for.

✧˖*°࿐⭒.⋆˖࣪⭑

The flight is calm in the familiar way that they usually are after missions. Everyone is ready to be home, and annoyed that the trip to Slovakia was essentially for nothing.

Well, to their knowledge, it was for nothing. Everyone except for Bucky remains unaware of what transpired in the warehouse basement, as you had managed to conceal your file in the interior of your tactical vest until you made it back to the jet.

Yelena was quick to curl up under a blanket across the aisle from you, her face now lit by the glow of her phone as she FaceTimes with Bob. Walker and Ava are cuddled up on a cot that is far too small for the both of them, already fast asleep. You’re not really sure where Alexei is - probably raiding the nonperishable food supply in the back of the jet.

Bucky, who detests flying and usually does everything in his power to get out of doing so, took it upon himself to pilot the trip back to Manhattan.

As soon as everyone was properly distracted, you crammed the file into your duffel bag. Out of sight, but far from out of mind.

You’d been so sure that you were moments away from answers. And you had been - just not the answers that you were expecting.

Bucky loves you. He’s in love with you.

You haven’t gone a full minute without replaying his exact words in your head since he first said them.

I don’t care what that file says. It doesn’t matter to me. Because I’m in love with you. I needed you to hear it. At least once. Before everything changes.

Say something. Anything.

But it isn’t any of these words that echo the loudest in your mind. Not the confession or the pleading for a response. No, it’s something else that he said - something that answers a question you’ve had since you met him but never had the courage to ask.

Even if your mark looks nothing like mine, it won’t change the way I feel about you.

The implication of the words isn’t lost on you. Maybe your mark doesn’t match his - but there’s a chance that it could. There’s a chance it could because he’s never found his soulmate.

Not at any point in the thirties or forties. Not during the war. Not when he was in and out of cryofreeze for decades, not during his time in Romania or Wakanda, not after the blip.

The weight of that truth sinks in as you lift your gaze toward the cockpit. You can only see the edge of his profile from here, the line of his jaw illuminated by the soft light of the controls.

The sight of him makes your chest ache. You dig your nails into the leather of your seat to resist standing up and going to him right now.

He loves you. Not because he’s meant to, not because a mark on his skin tells him to, but of his own free will. And that’s enough for you. More than enough - enough to keep the file closed and choose him, too.

And when you get back home, that’s exactly what you plan to do.

✧˖*°࿐⭒.⋆˖࣪⭑

Bucky doesn’t remember the walk from the jet to his bedroom. He barely even remembers going through the motions of showering five minutes ago, let alone flying a jet from Slovakia back to New York.

Honestly, it’s a miracle that he got everyone back safely. The last thing he should have been doing was piloting a fucking jet, but he needed something to focus on other than you.

You, and what he said to you, and how you looked at him in the old archive room where he begged you to say anything.

Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut. Maybe he should have just let you open the file. But he knew that once you did, he may never have the chance again. He knew that if he didn’t say it then, he may never say it at all.

And saying it hadn’t felt wrong. How could it? He meant every word. He meant it when he said he loves you, he meant it when he said that he doesn’t care if your mark doesn’t match his, and he meant it when he said that he can wait for you.

He sinks down on the edge of the bed, elbows on his knees, hair still damp from the shower and dripping onto the floorboards. He should be exhausted. He is exhausted. The digital alarm clock by his bedside reads that it’s nearly four in the morning. But his mind hasn’t stopped spinning since the moment you pulled away from him in that cold, musty archive room.

He has yet to stop replaying the look on your face. Equal parts disbelief and shock mixed with something that he wants to believe was longing. You may not have verbally returned his sentiments, but the way you’d looked at him had given him hope. At least a little.

He doesn’t blame you for not answering. Hell, what answer had he expected? You’d literally been holding the file in your hands and he physically stopped you from opening it when you were seconds away from learning crucial information about yourself.

Information you’d been denied your entire life. Information that he had no idea what it was like to not have. At least, not in the same way as you. He may have lost his arm, and with it his soul mark, back in the forties when he fell from that train - but he eventually regained his memories. This was your only chance to know what most people know about themselves their whole lives.

And he’d essentially asked you to choose him without knowing it. Without knowing anything other than he loves you.

That wasn’t fair.

He wonders if you’ve opened the file yet. Or if you crawled in bed and fell asleep as soon as you closed the door to your bedroom. Or if you happen to be wide awake and borderline spiraling like he is right now.

A quiet sound pulls him from his thoughts. A soft, tentative two tap knock against his bedroom door.

He freezes. For a split second, he thinks he imagined it - that it’s just sleep deprivation and he’s hallucinating. But a moment later, he hears it again.

“Bucky?” You call softly from the other side of the door. If he didn’t have heightened senses, he likely wouldn’t have heard you at all.

He’s on his feet before his brain makes the conscious decision to move. When he opens the door, you’re standing there. Barefoot in plaid pajama shorts and a tank top, file clutched to your chest.

“Hi,” you whisper. Your voice is hoarse, like you haven’t used it since the warehouse.

Bucky swallows. “Hi.”

“I know it’s late but…” You shift your weight nervously, looking down at the ground. “Is it okay if I come in?”

“Of course,” he murmurs, stepping aside and opening the door wider for you. “Always.”

For one, impossibly long moment, neither of you speak. You pause near the foot of his bed, looking like you aren’t sure if you should sit or continue to stand.

He parts his lips to speak when you take the words right out of his mouth.

“I’m sorry,” you blurt out.

He stiffens. “Sorry? For what?”

“For…back there.” You lift your eyes to meet his. “For not saying anything. For just walking away and leaving you hanging.” Your throat bobs as you swallow. He opens his mouth to tell you that you don’t owe him any kind of apology, that he shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that, that he understands - but you keep speaking before he can.

“I haven’t looked,” you murmur, looking down at the file in your hands. You release a shaky breath and toss the folder onto his bed. “Haven’t opened it. I didn’t even touch it again until I came here.”

His breath catches in his chest. He tries not to look relieved - knows he shouldn’t feel that way, but selfishly does. “You didn’t?”

“No.” You shake your head. “There’s something else I want to do more.”

You take a step closer to him. And then another. And another, until you’re close enough that he can feel warmth radiating from your chest and smell notes of vanilla from your perfume. Until you’re close enough that he can count each individual eyelash.

He doesn’t move. Couldn’t even if he tried.

Your eyes lock onto his, seemingly searching for some hint of hesitation that you aren’t going to find. Then, your gaze flickers to his lips and he swears his heart stops beating until the moment he feels your lips touch his.

The first brush of your lips is featherlight and still manages to send a shock through him. Your hands hover against his chest for a brief moment before curling into the fabric of his t-shirt and pulling him down to you.

He melts. There’s no better way to describe the way his vibranium hand grips your waist and flesh hand raises to cup the side of your neck, tilting your head slightly to deepen the kiss.

You’re somehow even fucking sweeter than he imagined you’d be. One taste of the birthday cake flavored balm on your lips and it suddenly makes sense why he fell from that train over seventy years ago.

He tries and fails to swallow a groan as your fingers trail up his chest, over his shoulders and into the still damp strands of his hair.

You let out the tiniest whimper against his mouth when his tongue rakes over the swell of your bottom lip and he’s convinced he’s dreaming. He had to have passed out when he got home and this is one of his dreams on steroids.

He’d happily stand here and kiss you until you both pass out from lack of oxygen or exhaustion, but you pull away all too soon.

“Did you mean it?” You breathe, spearmint breath fanning across his lips.

He doesn’t need to ask what you’re referring to.

“Yes,” he whispers, immediate and more sure than ever. “More than you know.”

You close your eyes with a shaky exhale, cupping his face in your palms. “That’s all I need. That’s all that matters to me.” You lean up on the tip of your toes, pressing your lips to his once more. It’s brief but still knocks the air from his lungs all over again. Before you pull away, he notices that your cheeks are damp and he can’t tell if it’s from your tears or his own.

“I love you, Bucky,” you whisper. “And I choose you. Of my own free will. Regardless of what any mark or piece of paper says, I love you.”

He doesn’t know who kisses who this time, but that doesn’t matter. All he can think about is the way you said you love him.

I love you, Bucky. I choose you.

Regardless of what any mark or piece of paper says.

It would be so easy to lose himself in this. Too easy to pick you up and carry you the short distance to his bed and continue to kiss you all over as you tell him exactly what he wants to hear until the sun rises.

Which is why it takes every ounce of strength he has to tear his mouth from yours - breathing hard and eyes squeezed shut like it physically pains him to stop.

“Wait,” he manages, missing the way you taste the second he pulls away. “Hold on just a second, baby.” The petname slips from his lips without a second thought.

Fuck, he hopes he won’t regret his next words.

You look up at him, dazed, and drop your hands from his face. “What’s wrong? Did I do something—”

“No, no. God, no,” he huffs, planting his hands firmly on either side of your waist. “Not at all. You have no idea how badly I want this. How badly I’ve wanted this for so long. But the last thing I want is for you to have any regrets. You deserve to know the truth. The whole truth.”

You shake your head, your eyes boring into his. “Bucky, it doesn’t matter—”

“Look… whatever is in there, it changes nothing for me. But it’s yours. It’s a piece of you that you deserve to have before making any decision. So please… don’t do it for me. Do it for yourself. Look in the file. And no matter what you find, if you want me, I’m yours.”

You exhale something between a sigh and a laugh. Then, a smirk blooms on your face. “If I look in the stupid file, will you let me keep kissing you?”

He releases a breath that he hadn’t even realized he was holding in. He smiles. “Of course.”

You stare at him for another moment before reluctantly stepping out of his hold and turning to where the file still rests on his bed.

His hands fall to his sides and he forces himself to stay still. To let you walk two steps without reaching for you again, to give you space until you’re ready to share whatever you may find. He doesn’t move, doesn’t sit, doesn’t even breathe. He just watches as you sit down on the edge of his bed, taking the file into your hands.

You glance up at him one final time, as if you’re expecting him to change his mind and tell you to stop. When he doesn’t, you take a deep breath and flip open the cover.

He watches as your eyes skim the first page before flipping to the next. At first, your expression is impassive, giving nothing away. Then, upon flipping to a third page, he hears a sharp intake of breath. He can’t see what you’re looking at from where he’s standing, but the way your teeth dig into your bottom lip and your brows knit together tell him what it must be.

“It’s your mark,” he murmurs. “Isn’t it?”

You don’t answer right away. Your fingers trace over something on the page. Then, slowly, without looking up at him, you nod.

His stomach sinks. He knew it was coming, but yet his stomach still sinks. He hesitates for a moment longer before taking a tentative step towards you, still unsure if you want him to see. Then, you angle the folder enough for him to catch a glimpse.

A Polaroid. A three inch by three inch square picturing a tiny arm. Too small. Barely the size of his fucking hand. And on that tiny arm, right in the ditch - right where his soul mark once decorated his own skin - is dark lettering. He can’t make out exactly what it says, but the location and positioning is so similar to his own that his knees nearly buckle.

“It’s in Russian,” you huff, holding the photograph out to him.

The brief hope he’d felt immediately disappears.

His soul mark hadn’t been a word in Russian - his had been a word in English.

Home.

“My Russian is rusty. What does it say?” You ask softly.

He reluctantly accepts the picture. His heart plummets at the sight of your tiny arm. You couldn’t have been more than two or three years old. He focuses on the soul mark in the bend of your arm. The picture quality is grainy but he can still make out the Russian letters.

The picture nearly falls out of his hands.

“дом.”

“дом?” You repeat, dumbfounded. “What does that mean?”

But his brain is reeling. His heart feels like it’s beating a mile a minute.

“Bucky?”

He opens his mouth, but no words come out. Just a breathless, incredulous laugh that leaves you looking more confused than ever.

He’s going to answer you. He’s going to tell you what your soul mark translates to in English. But first, there’s something he wants to find.

In just three large strides, he’s to the closet on the opposite side of his bedroom. He flings the door open and crouches down, sifting through random storage totes and boxes on the floor as you question what the hell he’s doing from behind him.

He knows he looks like a lunatic right now. But it’ll all make sense to you in a matter of moments, if he can just find—

There.

A manila folder. Similar to yours that lies on his bed just feet away. A folder that, years ago, Natasha Romanoff had managed to get her hands on. A folder that she gave to Steve when he first began his search for Bucky after learning that he was still alive. A file that, like yours, contains photographs of him.

Various photographs. One of him at just twenty-seven years old, in his army uniform. One of him in a cryofreeze chamber. And lastly, the one he’s about to show you.

A picture taken the day he fell from that train in 1945. A picture that has made him sick to his stomach every time he’s looked at it, until now.

Because now, it isn’t just the last picture ever taken of his left arm - mangled and bloody and barely attached to his body before Hydra fully amputated it and replaced it with a metal appendage.

Now, it’s physical, undeniable proof of what that pesky phantom itch in the ditch of his vibranium arm has tried to tell him since he first met you.

That you’re his soulmate.

✧˖*°࿐⭒.⋆˖࣪⭑

“Bucky, what the hell are you doing?”

It’s the third time you’ve asked that exact question in the last sixty seconds.

You can see what he’s doing - rummaging through his closet on his hands and knees. What you don’t know is why. He hadn’t given you any explanation as to what he’s doing - what he’s looking for.

He said a word in Russian - presumably the word that was once displayed on your arm - and started ripping shit out of his closet like his life depends on it.

“Jesus Christ,” you mumble, sitting down on the edge of his bed. “If you’re not going to tell me what you’re looking for, will you at least tell me what дом means? I didn’t bring my phone with me so I can’t exactly ask Google Translate—”

He turns around, a rectangular photograph visible in his hands. You freeze mid sentence.

“It means home,” he murmurs, his expression calm. A soft smile that reaches his eyes. He stands up and walks over to you, stopping when he’s standing directly before you. He holds the picture out.

“Home?”

You take the picture. At first glance, you grimace at the sight, not even entirely sure what you’re looking at. It’s an arm - barely attached to a human body cut off from the rest of the picture. No face, but you quickly deduce that it’s him. Then, after processing the initial shock of what you’re looking at, your eyes settle on black lettering in the middle of his arm.

Home.

It’s English. Not Russian like yours. But it’s on the exact same arm, exact same location, exact same font. Same word. Just a different language. Like Yelena’s and Bob’s marks - each other’s initials. They may not be identical, but they’re still a perfect match.

You look up at him to find him smiling at you. “Home,” he repeats quietly, as if he’s still trying to believe it himself.

“Does this really mean what I hope—”

“Yes.” His answer comes before you can finish your question, his voice gentle but certain. “That’s exactly what it means.”

You blink rapidly, fighting a losing battle with the tears that threaten to spill over. “You’re my soulmate. I’m your soulmate.”

They aren’t questions. Just facts - beautiful facts that you want to scream to the skies, but it’s the middle of the night and everyone else in this tower is undoubtedly asleep, so you’ll settle for saying it loudly enough for the two of you alone to hear.

“I am,” he hums. “You are. Always have been.” He crouches down in front of where you still perch on the edge of his bed, kneeling on both knees before you. “I’ve waited more than a century to be able to say that.”

You lift one hand and rest it gently on his jaw, your thumb brushing over his cheekbone. He seems to melt into the touch, his eyes fluttering shut. You just stare at him, overwhelmed with emotion and at a loss for words.

He’s so fucking pretty. You can’t help but feel a little silly for thinking so at a time like this, but it’s true. He’s so pretty. His hair - his beautiful hair that you get to run your fingers through. His gorgeous ocean eyes that you get to gaze into. His lips. Oh god, his lips that you get to kiss because he’s yours.

He’s really yours.

“Come here,” you murmur.

He braces his hands on either side of your hips on the mattress, pushing himself up just enough that your faces are inches apart. You can feel the warmth of his breath against your lips. He’s close enough that you can see every fleck of blue in his eyes. Close enough that he could kiss you if he leaned forward a fraction of an inch.

“I love you,” you hum. He swallows hard, like he’s having to physically hold himself back from pinning you to the mattress at the sound of those words leaving your lips.

His hands settle on your sides, one warm and one cold. You aren’t sure which causes goosebumps to erupt across your skin. His intoxicating scent, his close proximity, the feeling of his fingers twitching against your waist - it all makes you feel lightheaded. If you weren’t already sitting down, your legs would surely turn to jelly.

“I love you,” he breathes, his eyes darting between your eyes and your lips. “Remember how I said you could keep kissing me if you looked in the file?” Heat pools in your core. Your mouth goes dry. Too dry for you to form a verbal response, so you just nod dumbly.

“Yeah? You should do that now.”

Your heart thuds at the gentle command. You barely have time to register it before he leans in and closes the last sliver of distance between your lips and his.

This kiss makes the first ones seem tame by comparison. You quickly realize you had both been holding back, but there’s none of that now. No caution, no restraint. Just months and months of tension and longing pouring from one into the other.

You pull him onto the bed with you by the collar of his shirt until you’re lying flat and he’s hovering above you, caging you to the mattress. He supports himself with his vibranium armed braced next to your head, his flesh hand caressing the side of your neck as he explores every inch of your mouth with his tongue.

Your legs wrap around his waist, pulling him flush against you. Through his sweatpants, you feel the firm press of his erection between your legs and involuntarily roll your hips, earning a low, guttural groan from him.

He pulls his mouth away from yours with a breathless laugh before attaching his lips to the column of your throat. He sucks the flesh between his lips and then soothes the bite with a kiss before peppering more down your neck, all while you rock your hips against his.

There’s an unprecedented type of want blooming within you. It isn’t a want, it’s a need - like if you don’t get as close to him as humanly possible, you’re going to fucking combust.

You grab the hem of his shirt and begin to tug the fabric upwards. He realizes what you’re doing and leans back on his knees to yank his t-shirt over his head, tossing it to some far corner of the room.

With his long brunet hair falling around his face and his pink lips kiss-swollen, he looks ethereal staring down at you in the soft orange glow of the lamp light. Your gaze drifts to the jagged scar carved along his shoulder, and then lower - over the broad planes of his chest, the sharp dip of his hips revealed by low-hanging sweats, and the unmistakable outline straining against the thin fabric. Heat coils low in your belly, wanting nothing more than to touch every inch of him.

“You’re so pretty,” you hum, voice unrecognizable with adoration and arousal. Pretty is the understatement of the century, but you can barely form a coherent thought.

He blushes pink. “Pretty,” he scoffs lowly, shaking his head, though he can’t conceal the smirk growing on his lips. “You’re one to talk.” He trails a vibranium finger along the waistband of your pajama shorts before hooking it inside, pausing before moving the fabric. “Is it okay if I take these off and make you feel good?”

“Yes.” You can’t find it in you to care if you sound too eager, because you are. Your panties are uncomfortably sticky and the ache in your lower belly is growing by the second, desperate for release. “Please.”

He eases the cotton material, along with your underwear, slowly down your thighs and calves and then discards them haphazardly behind him. Feeling awkwardly half-dressed in only your tank top, you sit up just enough to yank it over your head before you can talk yourself out of it.

You’re left completely bare before him. Normally, if someone looked at you the way he is right now, you’d feel the urge to hide - to cover your chest with your arms or turn away. But with him, you feel none of that. You feel the opposite. You feel seen in a way that doesn’t make you feel like you need to shrink. You’re happy to open yourself up for him because you’re made for him. And he’s made for you.

His gaze drags down your body and back to your face, his normally bright eyes dark. “Ты идеальна,” he whispers, voice strained but still soft.

Heat blooms across your cheeks and you exhale a shaky laugh. “Gonna have to tell me what that means,” you murmur. “My Russian isn’t the best, remember?”

He doesn’t answer right away. Instead, he slowly parts your legs, his hands splayed over the skin of your inner thighs as he presses them down to the mattress. You bite your bottom lip to refrain from hissing at the sudden sensation of the tower’s chilly night air washing over your wet, sensitive folds.

“I said you’re perfect.” He answers at the exact same moment that he presses the pad of his flesh thumb over your slit, not taking his eyes off of your face as he massages the digit over your clit. A small gasp escapes you and you arch into his touch, giving your hips another roll.

He pulls his thumb away and you practically whine at the loss of pressure, but the digit is quickly replaced by his index finger teasing your entrance. He swirls the tip of it around your opening, coating it in your arousal before pulling it away, too.

Before you can so much as utter a noise of complaint, he brings the slick-coated finger to his mouth and wraps his lips around it. His eyes roll shut and he groans at the taste. “Perfect and so sweet.”

“Fuck,” you whimper. “Fuck, Bucky. Please.”

You aren’t even sure what you’re begging for. Something. Anything. There’s a fire blazing in your lower belly begging to be put out.

He hops off of the bed, hooking his arms under your knees and easing your body across the bed until your ass is level with the edge of the mattress, your legs dangling over. He crouches down, nestling himself between your legs, his face just inches away from where you need him most.

“What is it, baby?” He croons. “Tell me what you want.” Two cool vibranium fingertips tease your hole and you fight against the overwhelming desire to sink yourself onto them. “Do you want my fingers?”

Just as you open your mouth to plead with him, he glides those two metal fingers inside you - just up to his middle knuckles, but you still see stars at the welcome but sudden stretch and fullness.

“Or my mouth?” His breath fans across your cunt and he presses his lips to your clit in a brief kiss. Your fingers thread through his hair, nails digging into his scalp with just enough pressure to draw a half laugh, half hiss from him. He shakes his head in amusement, the tip of his nose brushing over the sensitive nub.

“Take your pick and stop being such a menace,” you sigh. “You’re really gonna torture your soulmate like this?”

“Sorry,” he huffs a laugh. “I’ll be nice now.”

His definition of nice, you quickly find out, is plunging the two thick digits the rest of the way inside you and curling them at the same time that he sucks your clit between his lips until you look like you’re having an exorcism. His flesh hand glides up your stomach and settles over your breast. He kneads it with enough pressure to send heat rushing through you, each squeeze making that coil in your abdomen grow tighter and tighter.

He alternates between sucking your clit and soothing it with soft kitten licks of his tongue while pumping metal fingers inside you at a torturous pace and in no time, you’re a borderline delirious mess, gasping out pleas and desperate sounds.

The sound of you whimpering his name has him moaning into you, the vibration of it giving you the tiny push you need to go tumbling over the edge. Your walls clench around his fingers as he continues to fuck you through the height of your climax, not ceasing until your body goes slack against the mattress.

Bucky presses one final kiss to the inside of your thigh before rising. He lays down on the bed beside you, propping himself up on his elbow. You’re still catching your breath when he tilts your face towards him in his flesh hand and leans down to kiss you slowly.

When he pulls back, he looks down at you hesitantly. “We don’t have to do anything else tonight. We can stop right here, if you want. We can take our time. We have all the time in the world now.”

Your heart swells at the promise. The promise of simply being with each other, for all time. You tuck a lock of his hair behind his ear and shake your head.

“Bucky,” you whisper, your voice shaky but sure. “I want you. All of you. Now that I have you…I’m always going to want all of you.”

“You have me,” he murmurs, flesh hand trailing down your arm, pausing when he gets to the spot where your soul mark once adorned your skin.

“All of me.”

✧˖*°࿐⭒.⋆˖࣪⭑ one year later ✧˖*°࿐⭒.⋆˖࣪⭑

“If we do the chicken marsala and the lemon rosemary chicken, is that too much chicken? That’s too much chicken. Right?”

Before Bucky can give you an answer, you’re switching topics and rambling about the seating chart - something about how Sam and Walker can’t sit too close together because even after all this time, they still bicker every chance they get - as you flip pancakes with your back to him.

It’s Sunday - the one day of the week that always looks the same. He wakes you up with fresh coffee, you cook breakfast for the two of you, and you spend the morning lazing around your Brooklyn apartment. From catching up on housework, going grocery shopping for the week, and eating lunch at that one sandwich shop you love so much, it’s usually a day of familiar comfort and routine.

But you’re on edge this morning. Frazzled. The wedding is a mere six months away and it’s time to lock in final decisions about the menu, seating arrangements, and all of the other things you’ve rattled off of your mental checklist before nine o’clock this morning.

Bucky had practically felt the stress radiating from you as soon as you woke up. He’d done what he could to help you relax, of course - not letting you leave the bed until he had taken his sweet time making you moan his name in that raspy, sleep-laced voice of yours that he adores so much.

Unfortunately, the effects of that had been temporary and your fretting returned tenfold by the time you started cracking eggs into a bowl.

Even Alpine seems to take note of your stress. The usually mellow white cat is perched on top of the fridge, tail switching as she watches you pace around the kitchen. Every few minutes she lets out a little mewl, like she’s trying to ask if you’re alright.

“And we need to decide on a wedding cake flavor this week, too. The lemon one tasted like floor cleaner, so that narrows it down a bit, but we still have to decide between red velvet and—”

Bucky doesn’t give a shit if the cake tastes like Pine-Sol or if Sam and Walker knock each other unconscious in the venue parking lot. He just wants to marry you.

“What about…no chicken, no Sam or Walker, and no cake?”

You glance up at him with an annoyed expression. “What are you talking about?”

He shrugs, trying not to smirk. He knows that even propositioning something like this is risky, but it’s worth a shot. “What if we just…didn’t? Didn’t worry about any of it? What if we just go to the courthouse and get married? Tomorrow morning.”

You freeze where you’re standing on the other side of the kitchen island, plating up the food. Your expression shifts from annoyed to amused, like you’re trying to figure out if he’s joking or not. He quirks his brow and takes a sip of his coffee.

“You’re serious,” you scoff. It isn’t a question.

“Dead serious.”

“But we - we already sent out invitations. And paid a deposit on the venue. And booked a photographer, and videographer, and—”

By this point, he’s already made his way to the opposite side of the island where you stand, pulling you to him by your waist.

“Look,” he starts softly, cutting off your panicked rambling. “If you want to have a wedding, we’ll have a wedding. Of course. I want you to have whatever the hell you want.” He takes your left hand in his, staring down at the ring on your finger. His mother’s ring, from the early 1900s, passed down to his sister, Rebecca, and then given to Bucky to give to you.

His soulmate.

“But I’ve waited a very long time to marry you. All I care about is that I get to call you my wife. None of the other stuff really matters to me. Not the color of the table linens or the—”

“Okay.”

“Wait. What?” He takes an involuntary step back as if you’ve physically shocked him. Whatever the next words out of your mouth were going to be, he definitely was not expecting okay. “Really?”

You’re smiling from ear to ear. “Really. I mean, a wedding sounds nice in theory, but…this is a lot.” You gesture vaguely to the dry erase board that you had used to sketch potential seating arrangements and an array of fabric swatches littered across the dining room table. “You’re right. None of that stuff really matters. In fifty years, we probably won’t even remember any of it. When we’re old and gray, all that will matter is our vows, the rings on our fingers, and the fact that it’s me and you.”

A soft laugh escapes him. He cups your face in his hands and leans down to bring his lips to yours, vibranium thumb grazing across your cheekbone. “Speaking of vows…” He sighs, pulling back, “if we’re doing this, I should probably finish writing mine.”

“Finish them? I haven’t even started mine. I’ve been too busy trying to keep up with how many fucking gluten free entrees we need to order.”

He cackles at that. “Well, you better start writing, then. Because tomorrow morning we’re driving to the county clerk’s office and I’m making you my wife.”

He starts to lean down to kiss you once more when a melodic purr sounds from the floor at his feet. He glances down to see Alpine weaving herself between your legs, her bright blue eyes blinking up at you both.

“What do you think, Alpine?” You coo, leaning down to scoop her into your arms. “Do you think your mommy and daddy should get married tomorrow?”

The cat nuzzles your chin in answer. Bucky grins, scratching behind her ear. “See? She thinks it’s a great idea, too.”

You laugh softly, pressing a kiss to the top of her fuzzy head before setting her back down. Bucky slides his arms around your waist the moment you straighten, pulling you against him. “Tomorrow,” he murmurs into your hair. “I can’t wait.”

You smile up at him, cheek still pressed to his chest. “Tomorrow,” you hum in agreement.

Right in his line of sight are the scattered linen samples, dry erase board, and a planner all taking up the majority of the small dining room table. “Should we, uh…do something about all of that?”

“Hm?” You follow his gaze to see what he’s talking about. “Oh. We can chuck all of that off the fire escape for all I care.”

He was so hoping you would say that.

✧˖*°࿐⭒.⋆˖࣪⭑

if you read to the end of this, thank you so much. i love you forever if you comment/reblog <3

[atwistoffate]

You're the one that I want

Dean x Reader Summary: Dean flirts with everyone… except you. Suddenly, the guy who’s usually so smooth can’t seem to string two words together, and Sam has to step in to keep things from getting completely out of hand. Genre: Fluff ♡ Word Count: 3.1K

Sam should really get out of the bunker more, maybe get an actual hobby that isn’t research or running laps before breakfast. Most importantly, he should probably spend less time around you and his brother before his last functioning brain cells decide to mutiny.

He’s blending a pile of vegetables in the kitchen when Dean walks in and… just stands there. Staring.

Sam can feel it, Dean’s gaze boring into the side of his head. He keeps blending. If he ignores it, maybe, just maybe, his brother will go away.

He does not.

There’s only so much liquefying you can do to a zucchini, so eventually Sam gives up and turns around. “What?”

Dean doesn’t miss a beat. “Do I look approachable to you?”

There it is.

Sam exhales through his nose. “What are you talking about?”

Dean isn’t even looking at him; his eyes are fixed somewhere over Sam’s shoulder. “I mean, I think I am. I guess. But maybe I’m not. Maybe I look… I dunno… standoffish.”

Sam blinks. “Standoffish.”

“I’m just saying, there’s a line, okay? Too friendly, and you look like some creepy guy offering free candy. Not friendly enough, and people think you’re gonna stab ‘em.”

Sam shuts off the blender, grabs his smoothie, and sits. Dean drops into the chair across from him, and he stares expectantly, eyebrows up.

“Dean, man... I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Okay, if you were a girl and saw me at a bar—”

“Great. Can’t imagine a better start,” Sam mutters.

“—would you think I was approachable? Like… someone you’d walk up to?”

Sam looks down into his glass, searching for the strength to keep going. Nothing. No strength. Just spinach.

“Dean… where is this coming from?” 

Dean Winchester, the man who has picked up so many women he's lost count. And yet here he is, acting like he needs a pep talk.

Finally, Sam sighs, giving his brother at least the courtesy of an honest answer. “You’re approachable. You’re… you. People like you.”

Dean’s expression doesn’t ease at the reassurance. If anything, he looks more frustrated, brow furrowed, mouth in a pout that he’d absolutely deny making. “Then what the hell was she talking about?”

“…What? Who?”

Sam’s eyes widen. Oh. Oh.

You.

He lets out a long, exhausted sigh. Shakes his head. “Dean… dude. Just talk to her.”

“I talk to her,” his brother insists.

“Uh-huh. And that’s why you’re in here interrogating me about your ‘approachability,’ right?” Sam deadpans, leaning back with the weary authority of a brother who has lived through this many, many times.

“Whatever,” Dean grumbles, immediately hating where this is going. He pushes up from the table and heads for the coffee machine, chewing on his bottom lip like he’s trying to think a hole through it.

Two minutes later, you step into the kitchen, heading straight for the fridge like you always do. And Sam sees it. God, he sees all of it. Front-row seats.

Dean cuts a glance at you from the corner of his eye, stands a little straighter, then his hand shoots up to flatten his hair. Sam just shakes his head. He swears he’s going to start avoiding the kitchen entirely when the two of you are in here together.

“Would you hand me a spoon, handsome?” you ask, completely unaware of what you just triggered.

Sam watches Dean freeze at the pet name. 

“Spoon. Yeah. We, uh… we have spoons,” he stammers, somehow producing one like it’s a rare artifact. He hands it to you with the confidence of a Victorian maiden having her first conversation with a man.

Then he retreats to the safety of the coffee machine.

Yogurt and spoon in hand, you head out of the kitchen. Dean’s eyes track you the whole way, drawn like a magnet. The instant you disappear down the hall, something in him lights up.

The man beams.

“Handsome,” he says to the empty air, chest puffing up. “She thinks I’m handsome.”

Then he spins on his heel and strides out of the kitchen, riding the high.

Sam shakes his head, muttering, “Unbelievable.”

Two seconds later, Dean reappears, deflating the dramatic exit. “Forgot my coffee,” he says, grabbing the mug with forced nonchalance. He doesn’t make eye contact.

Sam just snorts. 

—

It’s been around two hours when you spot Sam in the library, typing away on his computer.

You sit down across from him and wait.

When his eyes finally lift from the screen, one eyebrow raised, you say, “Can I run something by you real quick?”

“Sure,” he replies, tone calm. “What’s up?”

You hesitate. Usually, maybe you wouldn’t even ask. But it’s Sam, and you trust him. “How would you… rate me, on a scale from one to ten?”

“What?”

“Like, hypothetically… let’s say you walk into a bar and I’m sitting there. What’s your first impression of me?”

Sam, who doesn’t even like bars, has already been dragged into two bar hypotheticals today, and it’s barely ten in the morning. He resists the urge to sigh. “Just… talk to Dean,” he says. “Trust me.”

“How did you know I—”

“Really good intuition,” he interrupts.

You stare down at the table, lips pouting. “It’s just… He flirts with everyone, literally everyone – even the old lady at the market. He just… never flirts with me. So I try to be casual. But this morning... it sort of got out before I could stop myself, and I called him handsome. And he, uh – I don’t think he liked that.”

Sam lets out a quiet snort. 

“What?”

“Nothing,” he mutters quickly, eyes darting back to the computer. “Just… maybe ask him to grab a coffee sometime. Keep it casual. Start small, you know?"

You hum thoughtfully, weighing the advice. “Yeah… maybe I could do that.”

Sam smiles faintly, satisfied, and goes back to typing. He can survive this, probably. 

—

Dean is sweet.

Okay, maybe he doesn’t flirt with you. Not the way he does with everyone else.

But if you’re being even a little logical, you know he cares. A lot.

He worries about you no matter what you’re dealing with: hunt injuries, a headache, a papercut, a sneeze. One fragile little “achoo” and he’s glancing over all concerned. 

And he pays attention.

You mention things offhand like your favorite snacks, a brand of tea you like, or that one candle scent you can never find... and the next time he comes back from the store, they’re sitting on the table like they magically appeared.

He never says it was him.

Probably thinks it’s nothing.

But it isn’t nothing. Not to you.

And sure, old Joanne at the market gets called “sweetheart,” and you don’t. But Dean has never bought her chocolate before.

…Wait. Has he?

Doesn’t matter.

Because the point is: you’re going to follow Sam’s advice and ask him out for coffee.

Even if he doesn’t like you back, Dean is sweet, and he deserves good coffee.

And you’re brave enough to offer it.

With this thought in mind, you walk into the kitchen the next morning.

Sam is already blending something green. You hover in the doorway until he finally shows mercy and switches it off because you really don’t want the sound of zucchini being pulverized to mark the beginning of whatever is about to happen.

Only then do you cross the room and sit down right across from Dean, who still hasn’t noticed you’re there.

He’s cradling his coffee, eyelids heavy, hair sticking up in five different directions. But the moment you enter his line of sight, he nearly jumps. His back goes straight, and he immediately smooths a hand over his hair, one stubborn piece still popping right back up.

God, he’s adorable.

“Mornin’,” he says softly, still half-asleep, voice rough like gravel, and your brain just… fries. Completely. 

Not a thought up there for a good minute.

You had a speech planned, had summoned enough courage for it, and now there's just… nothing. 

Soon enough, Dean’s hands are on the table, pushing him to his feet. “All right, I’mma—head to the store,” he says, nodding vaguely toward the door.

Sure. Go flirt with Joanne, you think. Bet she likes that a lot. 

But then he turns those big, hopeful eyes on you. “Wanna come?”

“What?" 

“Yesterday,” he adds quickly, “you said you wanted to go…”

Your chest melts a little. You only said that to Sam, and Dean… still paid attention.

You manage to smile. “Yeah. I’ll come.”

Dean smiles back before he tries to cover it up with a half-suppressed nod. “Cool. Yeah. Uh—let’s go then.”

He nearly walks into the doorframe on the way out.

—

“Joanne, looking incredible this morning,” Dean practically whistles at the older lady at the counter the second you step through the door.

“Right back at you, gorgeous,” she beams.

Of course she’s beaming. You’d beam too if he said you looked incredible.

Then she leans in conspiratorially, glancing around like she’s sharing state secrets. “Placed an order for that pie you like. Should be here tomorrow.”

Dean grins. “Sweetheart, you sure you wanna keep your husband? Competition’s fierce… just sayin’.”

You glare at the mismatched floor tiles and make your way toward the fridge aisle, while Joanne giggles behind the counter. Again, who can blame her? 

Then they start talking in hushed tones, leaning in toward each other. You’re pretty sure they’re talking about you because of the way she keeps sneaking glances your way. You strain to hear while pretending to examine the products, but you’re too far away to catch a word. By the time you edge closer, the conversation cuts off, and Dean doesn’t even glance in your direction.

When you finally reach the till, Joanne leans in and whispers, “Darling, you gotta snatch that before it’s too late.”

She nods toward Dean, who’s hovering near the snack aisle. “I mean, look at him,” she adds, shaking her head with exaggerated approval. Your eyes follow hers, taking in everything from head to toe. “Seriously. If he looked at me the way he looks at you, I wouldn’t just stand there doing nothing.”

“The way he looks at me?” you echo, because apparently that’s the only sentence your brain can manage.

Joanne stares at you. “Sweetheart… are your eyes just for decoration?”

“What?" 

Before she can say anything else, Dean returns with a bag of chips and puts it down gently on the conveyor belt. “Got the ones you like,” he murmurs, not quite meeting your eyes.

Aww, he's so cute. 

You glance at Dean.

Then at the chips.

Then back at Joanne, who lifts her eyebrows in a ‘see what I mean?’ kind of way.

Okay.

Yeah.

You do have to snatch that before it’s too late.

—

The way he looks at you.

You’ve been chewing on that the whole ride back, trying to decode what the hell Joanne meant.

Sure, Dean glances at you, checks if you’re okay, keeps track of you the way he keeps track of Sam, Cas, his car, everything he cares about. That’s just… Dean. Nothing special about it.

Right?

“What were you and Joanne talkin’ about?” he asks suddenly, low and careful. His eyes flick over to you, then right back to the road. “What’d she say?”

He sounds almost… worried. 

“Uh, nothing,” you lie, light as possible. “She might have a crush on you, though.”

That gets a small smile out of him, soft and relieved. Then he glances again. “That's all she said?”

“Why?”

He shrugs one shoulder, eyes fixed ahead. “Just… wonderin’.”

You do not bring up her actual comments, because dying from embarrassment in this car is not on your bucket list. “What about you?” you ask, as casual as possible. “What were you two whispering about?”

“Uh… she, uh… has this niece she wanted me to meet.”

“Oh.” It falls out of you flat and tiny.

“Yeah,” he adds, rubbing the back of his neck. “She thought I might be interested.”

“Really?”

“I’m not,” he says immediately, too immediately. “Interested, I mean. But Joanne kinda figured that out right away,” Dean finishes. “So it’s all good.”

The old lady wasn’t joking. Someone less insecure is going to snatch him up one of these days, and you’re going to regret all this waiting around doing nothing.

But the question is, how are you supposed to live in the bunker with him if you go all in on your feelings and he doesn’t feel the same? That’s just a recipe for disaster.

But then again… The way he looks at you. 

You make it your personal project to figure out just what the hell that means. 

Truthfully, it doesn't even take long to gather hints, one after the other. 

He does look at you, more than you’d realized. Not the teasing, smirking kind of glance he gives literally everyone else. Not even the playful, flirty looks. No, this is different. His eyes linger, soft, careful, like he’s making sure you’re okay, or memorizing something only he can see.

And maybe you’re reading too much into it. Maybe. But every time he flusters when you tease him, or he scratches the back of his neck when you hand him a simple compliment, your brain takes notes. You start keeping a mental tally, just to make sure you’re not imagining things.

You’re also pretty sure you’ve seen him blush around you a couple of times. Enough to make your heart skip.

Dean Winchester, master of casual charm and reckless confidence, gets… flustered. Around you. And it’s the smallest, most perfect kind of proof.

After weeks of quietly gathering evidence and comparing notes with Sam, Cas, and even Jack, your case feels airtight. And with it comes a little surge of courage.

And then, out of nowhere, you stumble onto the final piece.

The big one.

You weren’t even supposed to be in the bunker.

You were meant to be at Charlie’s for the weekend: movies, junk food, girl talk, a detox from the job, and the crises that come with it. But she comes down with a brutal flu and refuses to get you sick, so the whole plan gets pushed back.

You were going to text the boys and let them know you were still home, but you never got the chance. 

Because the second the front door slams, you hear Dean’s voice echo down the metal stairs: “That’s just stupid,” he grumbles. “I’m not doin’ that. I don’t even know if she likes me.”

You freeze mid-step.

Sam’s answer comes fast, like he’s run out of patience for the year. “Dean. Be serious. Are your eyes just for decoration?”

Sam and Joanne could be good friends, you think. They’re both full-time members of the Dean Appreciation Squad anyway.

Dean huffs loudly. “She lives here, Sam. What if you’re wrong? I don’t wanna make her uncomfortable.” His voice dips, softer, almost guilty. “God knows I probably already do.”

Your heart drops.

He actually thinks he might be making you uncomfortable.

Dean Winchester.

A man who apologizes when you bump into him.

A man who brings you your favorite snacks without a word.

A man who looks at you with care and devotion.

He thinks any of that is unwelcome.

You press back against the wall, breath catching in your throat, because the truth finally lands and it's undeniable. 

He likes you.

Really likes you.

And he’s holding himself back because he’s afraid his feelings might somehow upset you.

...Well.

You’re going to have to show him exactly how wrong he is.

—

You stroll into the garage one slow morning, no hunts, no plans – just a little time to make yourself feel… well, you. No flannel. No worn-out boots. Today, something that hugs your curves just right, a touch of makeup to bring out your best features. You even had time to make your hair cooperate.

Dean’s under the car, elbow-deep in something greasy, when you lean against the wall, arms crossed casually.

“Whatcha doin’, handsome?” you murmur, voice soft but teasing.

Metal clangs to the floor. “Son of a—” He scrambles out from under the car, rag in hand, eyes widening as they travel up and down you, and he almost freezes. “You… uh… you going out?”

“That depends,” you say, tilting your head. “Are you busy?”

“Huh? Me?” Dean stammers. “Why? You… you need a ride somewhere?”

"No, not really. Wanted to take you out.”

For a moment, he just blinks. The words don’t seem to register. “Take me out?”

“A date,” you say, trying to keep your voice steady, though inside you’re practically combusting. 

“A date,” he repeats slowly. “You… and me?”

“Yeah. If you want to.”

A faint blush spreads across his cheeks, just enough to reveal his heart. "For real?"

"Yeah," you nod. "Do you want to?"

“God, yes,” he says, voice almost too fast. “I… uh… I’mma go change, real quick.”

Before you can even react, he’s already rushing to the garage door, as if he hesitates another second, you might change your mind. He pauses, hand on the handle, then spins back with a quick glance. “I don’t think I mentioned it, but you look... amazing. Just…” He shoots you an approving look, the kind that makes your chest tighten, before finally ducking out. 

—

Sam should really get out of the bunker more, maybe get an actual hobby that isn’t research or running laps before breakfast. Most importantly, he should probably spend less time around you and his brother before his last functioning brain cells decide to mutiny.

Actually… scratch that.

It might already be too late.

He did start looking at local classes: pottery, pilates, and even a book club. But he never registered for any of them. And now? Now he deeply regrets it.

Because the poor man walks into the kitchen, thinking only about making a smoothie, and instead walks into—

Yeah.

That.

There you are.

There Dean is.

And you’re kissing him like you’re both about to start something Sam definitely doesn’t want to picture.

Right in front of the blender.

And - oh no - your fingers slip beneath the waistband of Dean’s jeans, and his breath itches. And then he's all like, “Oh baby, if you keep this up, I’m gonna put you right on this counter and—”

Sam slams his ears shut and salutes the blender for its bravery. Then he bolts from the room, muttering something about bleach and possibly moving to another state.

The next day, the blender is quietly relocated to the war room, where it can recover from trauma in peace, and Sam doesn't venture back into the kitchen for at least two weeks. 

And you… Well, you’ll owe Sam a proper thank-you someday... Once he can glance at the two of you without immediately questioning every decision that has brought him here.

And, yeah… maybe a new blender wouldn’t hurt.

---

Forever Tags: @gallifreyansass @hobby27 @20th-centu-fairy-girl @adoptdontshoppets @foxyjwls007 @hotgirlsshareaccounts @katiejade

[ellecdc]

splintered

ex!Steve Harrington x fem!reader who asks for him in the hospital [1.9k words]

part 1 -> part 2

summary: Steve has been operating on autopilot since the wake of your relationship ending, pretending that the ghost of what could've been doesn't haunt his every step. But when Robin calls saying you're in the hospital and asking for him, he doesn't even pretend to hesitate. Being wanted — however briefly — hurts worse than he thought it would.

CW: hospital fic, exes, disgusting amount of yearning and pet names, hurt, hurt/comfort 

“Again, I’m really sorry, Steve,” Robin hisses, barely managing to keep up with Steve even though she’s the one technically leading him through the hospital corridors.

“Yeah, you said,” he mutters, not unhappy with her, not unhappy with you even, just…unhappy. 

“She really is just kind of inconsolable and nothing we did would help and the doctors said it could last days and we-”

“Robin.”

“Yeah?”

Steve sighs and tries to put on his most composed voice. “Can you just show me to her room, please?” 

Robin’s expression pinches as though she’s the one with a painful migraine brewing. “Yeah. Yeah, of course. Sorry, she’s in three-oh-seven, just up ahead.” 

“Thank you,” he imparts with a whisper before hurrying towards your hospital room. 

It was one of those quiet evenings where no one needed anything (rare), and Steve had nowhere to go (quite common), which meant it was going to be spent vertically. Or, sort of crumpled up like a tin can and staying in whatever position he landed on the couch in. 

He cursed his father once again for the need to flash his proverbial dick in the form of a cordless home phone (and then himself for leaving the cordless phone within reach) when his apathetic marathon of The A-Team was interrupted by it.

Steve barely rose from his position to swipe it off the coffee table, if only just to stop the horribly grating ringing. “Harrington residence.”

“Oh, thank God,” Robin breathed on the other end of the line, “Steve, can you come to the hospital?”

Steve sat up from his crumpled up position on the couch. “What?”

“The hospital,” Robin simply repeated. “Can you come?”

“Why?” Steve asked, though he was already standing and heading to grab his car keys.

“It’s Y/N.”

Steve swore as he caught the receiver before it hit the ground, returning it to his ear and leaning against the stair railing for support. 

“Y/N?” 

“She needed emergency surgery-”

“Surgery?”

“Yeah, her appendix. She called me ‘cause she didn’t feel well yesterday-”

Steve ignored the way that not knowing you were sick yesterday caused an organ somewhere near his own appendix to spasm painfully. “Is she okay?” 

“She’s…yeah, yes. Well, I mean, sort of? She-”

“Robin.” 

“She’s like, mostly okay. Pretty much okay. It’s just, well, she’s very upset and even more confused and she’s…she’s asking for you.” 

Robin let that sit in the air, Steve allowed it to settle around him like dust. 

“She’s asking for me?” 

The sound of her sigh felt like it could blow him over in that moment. “She’s a little hysterical. Doctors say that memory loss is common when coming off of anesthesia, so I don’t think she really remembers that the two of you, you know…broke up? But the doctors also said it could last anywhere from a few hours to a few days. We’ve tried everything we can think of to calm her down and she won’t. She’s making herself sick looking for you and-”

“I’m on my way,” Steve told her simply as he grabbed his jacket. “Tell her I’m on my way.”

“Thank you, Steve,” she breathed, equal parts relieved and contrite. “I’m really sorry, by the way.”

“Yeah,” Steve sighed. “Don’t be.”  

And so Steve shows up, like he always does. Upset that he didn’t know you had fallen unwell, mad that he wasn’t there to drive you to the hospital, angry that he wasn’t here when you woke up.

Devastated because he has no right to know, no right to drive you anywhere, no right to be here. He has no right to feel any which way about it, but he does. 

“Robin said he’s on his way. He’s gonna be here soon.” Steve hears Vicky’s soothing tones before he sees her. 

He rounds the corner to find the candy striper hovering over your bedside, holding your wrists down on either side of you in a way that could be either restricting or placating. Steve will soon find out that it is both. 

“Hey,” he calls out awkwardly, clearing his throat when his voice catches. Both of you turn to look at him with wide eyes; Vicky’s in relief, yours in desperation. 

“Hey, look who I found,” Robin announces from behind him, shooting Vicky a commiserating look of discomfort over his shoulder. 

“Steve?”

You sound so small, so vulnerable, that Steve has to breathe around the ache in his chest as he takes cautious steps towards your bedside. 

“Hi, baby,” he murmurs, the pet name slipping out like muscle memory and further splintering Steve’s already spiderwebbed heart. He can’t bring himself to regret it though when a relieved, breathy sob leaves you. “What happened, huh? What’s going on?” 

You sob again, leaning towards him even while restrained. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Steve takes each of your hands from Vicky and perches himself on the edge of your bed. “Did you have surgery?” 

Your head relaxes onto the pillow and you look at the ceiling as you suck in a shuddering breath. “I think so.”

Steve hums in agreement. “Robin told me you weren’t feeling very well.” 

Your eyes squeeze shut and twin streams of tears cascade down your cheeks. Steve relinquishes your hands in order to cup your cheeks and catch them before they reach your jaw; an impossible feat. “You didn’t feel very well, hm?”

You hum in the negative. 

“Do you feel better now?” 

“Not so much,” you tell him, pathetically miserable as Steve makes it his full-time job of brushing his thumbs across your cheeks like miniature windshield wipers for tears. 

“Does anything hurt, Y/N?” Vicky interjects then, and Steve stamps down any frustration at his fragile, stolen moment with you being impeded on, no matter how well-intentioned. 

“I don’t want this,” you all but spit, suddenly sort of ferocious despite your despair and elbowing Steve in the ribs. 

He thinks you mean him.

Vicky knows quite well that you don’t, immediately hissing your name and making her way back over. “No, no. You- hey, we talked about this. You cannot pull that out; you have to leave it.”

Steve watches as Vicky pins the hand of yours that was attempting to rip out your IV to the bed, only for your opposite hand to reach up to the oxygen tubes lining your face.

“Hey, you have to leave those too.” 

“Steve,” Robin whines from the edge of the room. He snaps into action. 

“Hey hey hey, enough of that, yeah? What’d Vicky say?” 

You’re unhappy about it but you let Steve pull your hand away from your face regardless. 

“You have to breathe, honey. Relax,”

“I can’t,” you wail.

“Okay, well that’s what the tubes are for, alright?” he explains, taking your other hand away from Vicky and trying not to glare at her for ever having it to begin with. “They’re gonna help you breathe and relax, but you gotta let ‘em.”

“I can’t,” you whisper woefully, eyes magnified on account of the tears pooling along your waterline and lips pursed into a pitiful pout. You look so sad and still so lovely, Steve’s heart splinters again. 

“You can, baby. I know you can. I’ll help, okay?” 

You close your eyes in defeat, tears falling again but Steve doesn’t let go of your hands now that he knows where they’re bound to go if he does. 

“You okay?” Robin murmurs from the other end of the room; you don’t bother responding as if you know just as well as he does that you’re not the one she’s asking. 

Steve looks over his shoulder. “Can you get us some water? Maybe juice?”

Robin quickly vanishes, but Vicky lingers in the doorway. “I’ll be just outside if you need anything, Steve.”

Steve nods at her, thankful for her support and eager for her absence as she steps out of the room. 

The two of you are left with the sound of the oxygen, the gentle drip of whatever pain medication they have you on, and the general humming of the hospital.

“You okay?” Steve asks eventually, no more than a whisper.

“Steve?”

Okay, well, we’ll just ignore Steve’s question then. “Yeah?”

“Do you hate me?”

Another splinter in Steve’s sternum. “No, sweetheart.” 

Your eyes crack open. “Are you mad at me?” 

Steve shakes his head no. “Why would I be mad at you?”

“Because you weren’t here.” The end of your sentence peters out into another sob. 

Steve’s been carrying a heavy grief around since the two of you broke up, but you not remembering that the two of you broke up is a special sort of torture Steve’s not sure he can withstand. “I’m sorry, baby. I…I didn’t know you’d want me here.”

You let out a heavy sigh. “I‘lways want you here.”

Steve’s not sure he heard you right; is quite sure he didn’t hear you right. Isn’t sure he can stand to hear you repeat it. But he asks anyway.

“What’s that?”

“I always want you here.”

It’s a good thing Steve’s in a hospital, because the remaining shards of his heart have finally fallen from their ribcage prison and punctured every vital organ in his torso. Time stills as his bones turn to lead and his muscles to stone and you simply blink at him. 

“I’m here, honey.”

You relax minutely, though wary when you ask, “Will you stay?”

Steve will probably have a fight a nurse or two, or maybe convince Vicky to find him one of those pinstriped dresses, but if you want him here then he won't leave this hospital room until you do.

“Do you want me to stay?” he asks, transferring both of your hands into one of his so he can wipe away a wayward tear from your chin. You nod at him immediately. “Okay.”

The two of you simply watch each other, and Steve wonders what you’re thinking about as he tries to figure out where he went wrong, how he could have lost you, how he can bear to walk out of this hospital once you remember the two of you haven’t spoken in weeks. 

He’s not sure how much time has passed before your blinks start to grow heavy.

“Go to sleep, babe,” he murmurs around a lump in his throat, preemptively grieving the fact that you won’t remember why he’s here – or rather, you’ll remember all of the reasons why he shouldn’t be – when you wake up next. “You’ll feel better once you wake up.” 

Your eyes widen as though you didn’t realize you were drifting, fighting the inevitable as though you know the risk that comes with sleep too. But your head is heavy on the pillow and your hands melt into Steve’s grip. “Will you still be here when I wake up?”

It’s probably the cruelest thing you’ve ever said to Steve, and he finds himself wanting to thank you for it.

“Yeah, honey," he promises. “I’ll still be here.”

He presses an indulgent kiss to your forehead and hopes beyond measure that you’ll still mean it when you wake up; that you’ll still want him here once the anesthesia wears off.

© ellecdc; do not copy, translate, or repost my work anywhere under any circumstances.

[salem-s]

HIS AND HIS ONLY... FOR 24 HOURS (18+) — BUCKY BARNES ONE SHOT

SYNOPSIS The last person you would ever consider dating — much less touching with a ten foot pole — is Bucky Barnes. Yet somehow here you are: packing a bag to spend the night of the Fourth of July as his fake girlfriend, all to get his pestering family off his case. But admittedly you can’t help but lean into the bit. Just a tad. Especially when his ex-girlfriend makes it very clear she wants him back.

WORD COUNT 25k. dont. literally dont. im so sorry.

WARNINGS & NOTES contains fluff, angst, smmmut (oral sex- fem receiving, penetrative sex (p-in-v, unprotected oops do not take after them), sprinkles of orgasm denial and a whole lotta fondling). 18+ MDNI. slight friends-to-lovers trope? more so that reader can't stand him and he can't stop riling her up? so actually one-sided-friends-to-lovers, if you will. he fell first, but he fell harder buuuut she definitely is in some sort of internal denial. fake dating tropes will genuinely be the death of me, oops, also not edited.

You never would’ve stopped by Natasha and Steve’s apartment if you had known Bucky was going to be here. Again.

He always loiters whenever he’s bored — which is almost always — because he claims they have better snacks, a better couch, a better aura (whatever that means, you sometimes think he says shit like that just to hear the sound of his own voice). Whenever you stop by, Bucky’s either in the kitchen cooking with food that isn’t his, which is usually what Natasha makes him do since he hangs around so much, or sprawled out audaciously on their love seat couch watching a show you’ve never heard of, or interrupting their movie night by asking too many questions and guessing the ending in the first five minutes.

Granted, you interrupt them too, but that’s because you get invited along with Natasha’s other girlfriends. Bucky just shows up most of the time.

Sometimes you think he has a tracker embedded in your skin somewhere, because he’s always conveniently here whenever you are. Or he has some sort of sixth sense that he can predict when you’re stopping by, and beats you here first.

Your eyes instantly roll when he’s the first person you spot in an apartment that doesn't even belong to him, an autopilot gesture that he’s grown used to seeing. Bucky’s leaning against the kitchen island, phone to his ear and, uncharacteristically, looks agitated. Nervous. Especially as he picks anxiously at his nail beds.

Setting the container full of soup down on the counter (rest in peace to Natasha’s sinuses), you quirk a brow at his stature. Normally Bucky’s all talk, because the first course of action on his agenda whenever he sees you is some lewd comment, a disastrously stupid joke, or anything under the sun to annoy you. It’s almost like bothering you is his day job. Sometimes it's yanking the ends of your hair or throwing a dish towel at you.

Contrary to right now, because he looks like he'd rather be anywhere else right now.

But, of course, that doesn't stop him from giving you a once over, blue eyes raking up and down your body as he takes in your outfit, your pretty shoes up to what hairstyle you've gone with today. Shameless, really, he's not even trying to hide it. Morning, noon, and night he's thinking about getting some, because handling something serious over the phone doesn't mean that he's stopped being a prick. No, that's his default setting.

"Yeah, Ma, I hear ya," he says monotonously into the phone.

You snort. He's lamented before about getting stuck on the phone with his mother more times than you can count, knowing he's probably at a breaking point with his patience. He claims he loves the woman dearly, but sometimes she just doesn't let up about anything, especially about her precious baby boy.

His words, not yours, because precious is not the word you'd use to describe Bucky Barnes.

Faux pouting at him, you saunter into his space as he shoos you away, trying to listen to the half-nonsense his mother is spewing over the phone (but how can he? Especially when you look like this in that godforsaken top that trips him up every time you wear it) and half-trying not to verbally crash out with you. At least you're quiet, but the teasing look on your face and the way your teeth sink into your bottom lip forces him to look away.

When he shakes his head at you, annoyed, you jab a finger into his ribcage upon passing him. Hard.

"Stop it," he mouths low to you, not in the mood for playing.

You respond by doing it again.

"Ow," Bucky hisses as your name falls from his lips, this time audible. Then, his brows pinch as he sighs in irritation. "No, yeah, fine, that's just...uh..."

His mother says something on the other line that makes him freeze, his bright blue eyes slowly morphing from annoyance to indifference.

Bucky stares at you. He really stares at you, as if the gears are turning in his head about something you can't know to be good. And you just... stand there, your next move of attack on hold simply because you're frozen as he looks at you. No smirk. No lewd comment. No cocky expression. Just...Bucky. Thinking. Which is never a good sign, because he never takes the time to simply think of anything. He doesn't even think before he speaks half the time, let alone ponder anything outside of which girl he's going to make a move on at the bar.

Then, his expression turns into something you can't recognize, as if he has a bright idea, a revelation, an epiphany, because a slow grin etches on his pretty lips, showcasing dimples as he shifts his gaze between your eyes. You frown. Immediately. That's not good. Not at all.

All of a sudden, you're squeamish under his stare. Why is he looking at you like that? Smiling like he has something to prove? A grin that should come with a warning?

You tense when he says your name, loud and clear.

"Yeah," he continues slowly, eyes not leaving you. "My girlfriend."

If you eyes haven't popped out of the sockets before, they have now.

Instantly, you're lunging forward, reaching for the phone to end this godforsaken call. But the attempt to end the call is fruitless, because Bucky simply laughs into the ringer as if he has all the time in the world, low and easy and too nonchalant for your rising blood pressure. He defends against your grabby-hands easily, too strong for his own good, pawing your hands away as you frantically try and snatch his phone.

When you get close and your fingers brush the metal, he easily hums and puts the phone on speaker, proceeding to raise his arm as high as he can so that there's no way you're reaching it now with his freakishly tall stature. And, oh, he peers down at you so fucking smug that you want to slap it off. Immediately. Especially when he barely flinches when you shove at his chest, try and hit his armpit to get him to lower his arm (spoiler, he's not ticklish), as you hear his mother's chirpy tone on the other end.

"—nderful, James!" His mother beams through the speaker, unknowing to the way you're practically fighting her son right now. "Please tell me you're bringing her to the lake this weekend."

"N—!"

Bucky immediately covers your mouth with his palm, something that shouldn't have been as easy as he just did so. "She is, she can't stop talking about how excited she is."

When you lick his palm as an attempt to get his hand off, he barely flinches. Instead, he presses harder.

"I can't wait to meet her," she chirps happily. "This is good, James. Very good. It's time for you to show everyone what a respectable young man you are."

"Respectable?" You reiterate incredulously under his palm, but instead it comes out muffled as if you're underwater.

Bucky rolls his eyes, either at the respectable comment or the way you treat that as a joke, or at both. Regardless, you swear you see the tips of his ears burn pink, almost sheepish at his mother's words and how you're witness to it.

She doesn't hear you. Of course.

"When you get in," she adds nonchalantly, bubbling with excitement, "Pa can take you to that jeweler on the other side of the lake. You know the one? Where he got my engagement ring—"

"Okay!" Bucky interrupts hurriedly, wincing when you stomp on his foot. "Ow— Yeah, sure, Ma. Gotta skate, talk later, love you bye!"

Bucky barely lets his mother respond before he's hanging up the phone, tossing it carelessly on the granite counter before removing his hand from your mouth, which is definitely the wrong course of action, because the first thing you do is—

"What the fuck?"

"Okay," Bucky mediates immediately, throwing his hands up in surrender. "Before you freak—"

"I am freaking."

"Hear me out." His tone is calmer than you've ever heard him.

"Absolutely not."

"I didn't even pitch it to you."

"I actually couldn't give less of a fuck."

Bucky sighs your name, as if this whole ordeal that he started is one, big inconvenience.

But you're not letting him off the hook that easy. "Nope. Not doing it."

"You don't even know what it is." His hands flex at his sides.

"I didn't think I needed to?"

Cautiously, he takes a step towards you, eyes low with intent, as he says your name gently. When you don't back up, or when you don't stand down from this discussion, he takes it as a sign to take another step closer, until he's suddenly right in front of you, hands hovering over your biceps with an expression so serious it gives you whiplash, especially when he looks fucking exhausted. No witty comment on the back burner. No bribe that gets you to raise a brow and kick his groin. No nonsense that you're so used to from him.

Just Bucky. Raw. Unfiltered... Nervous?

"It's two days," he says eventually, voice calm even though you swear you can see his heart beating through his t-shirt. "Just one night, really. Forty-eight hours of pretending to like me in front of my family."

You hate how quiet his tone is. How understanding, like he's already preparing for you to say no, to head to his family function empty handed with empty promises so they can uphold their disappointed image of him, as if he's used to it. Another year of being single, another year of refusing to settle down, another year of reaffirming everything his family already thinks of him. Reckless. Unlovable. Difficult.

"Why should I?" You ask equally as quiet.

Bucky thinks for a second, eyes darting to your collarbone for one, two seconds before coming back up to meet yours.

"It could be fun."

"Are you kidding?"

"Easy," he muses, a smile ghosting his lips, but not that lopsided smirk that you absolutely can't stand, a genuine smile, as if he's amused. "I'm standing right here."

"Yeah," you snort. "A little too close, might I add."

This is when he grins, lopsided and easy (and too fucking handsome for you to even comprehend right now) as his palms have gently braced on your shoulders, one hot and the other cool, as if he knows he's overstepping boundaries and figured to get them all out of the way now while your guard is down, while you're allowing him to be this close. Last time he got this close to you — he went in for a hug on New Year's — you panicked and knocked him into the bar.

"Haven't pushed me away yet."

Immediately, your hands are bracing on his chest and shoving him away, ignoring the way your heart races at his low laugh and how you allowed him to even get that close to you without some heinous comment (also avoiding how you never noticed his hands on your shoulder, how natural they felt, and how much you hate your sudden complicity). It's one thing to let your guard down to a guy, but to a guy like Bucky Barnes? Consider yourself a dead woman the day that actually happens.

So, to combat the weird growing feeling bubbling in your gut, you put on a sneer and wear it like a badge of honor.

"How am I supposed to convince anyone I like you?"

Bucky cocks his head to the side, unfazed. "Uh, I dunno, by acting?"

Deadpan stare.

He laughs boyishly, throwing his hands up lazily. "What? Scared you can't handle it?"

Your brows skyrocket, patience wearing thin.

"You don't think I can't handle it?" You reiterate incredulously, offended. "Handle you?"

"No," Bucky says immediately, never sure of anything else in his life. "I know you can. That's why I said your name and no one else's."

The words settle in the air like a thick, suffocating fog, because you hate how certain he sounds, like what he just said isn't making your heart convulse inside your ribcage. Because you know that deep down, he really means that, no matter how much your brain wants you to think otherwise. It's not like you can't trust the guy, for fuck's sake he's been a part of your friend group for years (even though you avoid him as much as you want for reasons you don't want to get into right now), he's going to be Steve's Best Man next fall and Natasha treats him like a big, annoying older brother. They vouch for him. They love him, damn it.

Say what you want about him, but you know for a fact that Bucky Barnes isn't a liar, at least not a very good one. Sure, he's more annoying than a twelve year old school boy and has the emotional capacities of a brick wall, he's always said it as it is. No sugarcoating, no dancing around the subject, just straight forward and to the point. That's the difficult thing that you juggle in this very moment, that no matter how pissed off you are and more revolted by the fact that the Prince Prick of All Pricks is asking — no, begging — for your help, you know it's truthful.

You sigh. Long and deep and guttural.

He literally couldn't have said any other name? Not the girl you saw him chatting with two nights ago at the bar down the street? Not the pretty barista that always writes a heart on his cup and shoots you death glares whenever you go in? Not any other girl who looks him up and down on the street to give his mom the impression that he's tied down? Did it have to be you? The girl he can never have?

Suddenly, you remember a conversation you accidentally overheard between him and Steve a few months ago. It was right after Christmas, since that's when your friend group celebrates their own version of the holiday, more so as an excuse to get together and drink and hang out. You walked into Steve's bedroom, looking for him to help Nat with the furnace, only to discover the fire escape window open with Bucky and Steve's back to you, sharing a joint in the cold.

"You're not this monster they're making you out to be," Steve said sincerely. "You know that, right?"

It was a tone so low that you froze, knowing you weren't supposed to be hearing this, something so private that you clearly were interrupting. But part of you stayed in curiosity, because Bucky had been uncharacteristically quiet all night and dodging all opportunities to poke fun at your Christmas sweater, so you automatically knew something was wrong. Not that you ever had the heart to ask, because you knew there was no way he'd open up to someone like you, regardless if you actually cared.

And you never forgot Bucky's next words. "They'll never see me as anything worth caring about."

You had left before you could hear anything else, telling Natasha you couldn't find them.

But you sometimes think of that moment, how upset Bucky sounded, as if the opinions of his family — and even his extended family that he says he doesn't care about — really matter to him, make a mark on his soul, make him feel less of an obligation and more of a person who's wanted. Loved. Cared for. Not some mouthy fuck-boy who has nothing more to his name than a reputation. A bad one, at that.

So now, as you look at him, really look at him, you're reminded of the Bucky sitting broken on that fire escape, where all he wants is his family's approval. You can't say you blame him. But you can't let him off that easily.

"What do I get in return?" You say eventually.

Stunned, Bucky blinks at you once, twice stupidly, certainly not expecting that from you.

"If I do this for you," you add pointedly, steadily. "It's not for nothing."

He clears his throat almost immediately, desperately. "Anything you want."

You narrow your eyes at him, studying his expression as you ponder your course of action. Sure, you could make him do your laundry for a month. Or clean your apartment head to toe, yet how much of his cleaning skills are up to par? Where's the fun in that? The sense of desperation? Buy your meals for the next month? Hm, too expensive. Be your personal chauffeur? Bleh, the thought of spending confined time in a car with him, no thanks. Makeshift masseuse? Scratch that, he'd definitely be too into that.

Then you grin. It makes his brows skyrocket.

"I want Alpine."

Bucky rolls his eyes. "Okay, anything besides that."

"You just said whatever I wanted."

His lips twitch. "Sweet girl, that's my cat."

Oh, you hate the way your heart skips at the name. "So? And don't call me that."

"Gotta practice somehow."

"Haven't said yes yet," you snap pointedly.

Yet Bucky just beams. "Yet?"

You groan, feigning annoyance when your blood pressure is skyrocketing to regions so unknown, a primary care doctor would faint at the numbers. How he manages to do this every time you interact with him is beyond you, sending your bodily functions into panic mode as well as kickstarting migraines like a light switch as if he was put on this earth to do so. He knows what he's doing, he knows what buttons to push, how to prolong all of your interactions to get the most reactions out of you. He's relentless.

"Fine, deal's off," you say amidst his laughter, spinning heel and beelining for the door to refrain from actually throwing a pot or something at his head.

But, of course, he's not letting you go that easily.

"Wait!" Bucky pleads behind you, boyish laughter simmering down as he catches your wrist between his fingers, pads of the tips pressing against your raging pulse point as he spins you around to face him. "Just— Fuck— Wait a second."

God, he's so close, smiling so beautiful it makes you reel. No, you think immediately, not beautiful. Not at all. Not his hair threatening to fall over his eyes, those pretty ceruleans and those dimples on a smile that seems to be reserved just for you. It fucking sucks that he's handsome, as it would make this whole turning him down to save my dignity thing much easier than it is now, because you're fucking struggling.

Especially when his hand is warm and he smells intoxicating, like everything you're into trapped in a cologne bottle. You hate how you like him close, close enough to feel like you're the only person in the room (you are) and the only girl he will ever has eyes on (you aren't). It's horrible, feeling like you're wanted by a guy like him, knowing he probably said your name as a matter of convenience, since you walked right into the room as the topic came up. You guarantee if it was any other girl, he would've said her name.

Christ. You can't debate the semantics. You'll go fucking crazy if you do.

"Okay," he bargains slow, unknowing to your internal battle between self pity and self deprecation. "You can have Alpine for a month."

You quirk a brow.

He rolls his eyes. "Fine. Two. And unlimited visitation rights after."

For a second, you actually consider it. Because despite how much you can't stand him nor can stand to be in his apartment because that means he's there, you adore that cat. You love her like she's your own, and it's unfortunate she has such an annoying owner because you'd be over there much more than you already are simply to hang out with her.

The hardest part is that she loves you, too. You watch her when he's away and you take her out in your bag into the city (safely, of course). She lays on your chest and purrs like a motor about to takeoff and head to space. On the off chance he FaceTimes you about something irrelevant or if he's on with Steve and you're in the room, you make him put her on the phone. It's ridiculous, you know, but the fact that she's sweet on you and practically hates his other friends makes you feel special, like you've got a cosmic connection to a damned cat.

You sigh deeply.

"Three," you counter-argue.

"Done," he says easily. "See? Told you we could work it out."

You refrain from head-butting him. "You never said that."

He still hasn't let go of your wrist.

"Must've said it in my head." He shrugs and you roll your eyes. Prick.

And as if life couldn't get any worse, Natasha decides to emerge from her cocoon of a bedroom, sniffling with a red nose and sunken eyes looking like death reincarnated. A blanket is wrapped around her small frame, swallowing her whole, as Steve walks in behind her and nearly running into her back given the way she freezes in the doorway, staring at you and Bucky a little too close for comfort like you've grown three heads. Four. Five. Si—

"Did I...miss something?" She croaks, blinking blearily.

As you open your mouth to respond, Bucky beats you to it, throwing a lanky arm around your shoulders and pulling you taut to his body to which you immediately grimace. His grin is light, easy, so fucking smug and pleased with himself that you wish you could take it alllllll back, wishing you weren't a good friend who drops off soup for your sick friend in the first place.

"You didn't hear?" Bucky says amusedly. "We're dating."

You should've said no.

Christ, you should've laughed in his face for coming up with such a stupid idea. You should've shoved him as hard as humanly possible and slapped him upside the head for even bringing you into this mess. You should've packed and left town before he could drag you into his car and drive you all the way to the (admittedly stunning) lake house in the middle of nowhere.

Because here you are: tucked under his arm like it's your god-given right and forcing a smile so bright it almost hurts.

When the two of you pulled onto the street, you admittedly had no idea what to expect as you'd practically been thrust into this one-sided agreement. But the house sitting before you is no home, more like a mansion with beautiful stone and an exterior build that's something straight out of a magazine. Or an architect's wet dream. It's no doubt the biggest house you've ever seen, a three car garage with plenty of cars parked in the driveway which makes you think they'd need more than three garages, perhaps a dozen.

The front lawn is long and flat, outstretching a perfect green up until a short rock wall that separates the property from the water. Literally right on the water, as gentle waves lap up against the rock wall with a pontoon and speed boat adorning the long L-shaped dock. Right by the shore, there's a fire-pit along with about twelve chairs encompassing around it, along with a cabana next to the dock that looks like there's a bar inside.

Holy fuck. Holy trust fund. Holy Christ.

The words escape you. Truly. You know you're fucked when you had to pause mid-insult to Bucky as soon as you pulled up, too stunned to even speak.

But instead of flaunting or making your reaction the butt of a joke, Bucky simply shrugs, puts the car in park, and pats the back of your hand once, twice, before exiting the car.

Now you're here. Meeting his family whilst simultaneously trying not to catch flies in your mouth.

(And also really, really trying to ignore how good his cologne smells and how he's holding you in a way that makes you think he's enjoying this.)

Especially when his mother stands in front of said-mansion and beams at you, thoroughly pleased at the thought of her son having the capacities to settle down with someone who's remotely normal (loose term, the less she knows, the better). She doesn't even let you get a word in before she's rushing forward, the white wine in her glass sloshing precariously.

"James!" His mother scolds with a look of disbelief. "You didn't mention how beautiful she is!"

Bucky's hand squeezes your waist, whether he means to or not, but it makes you shudder all the same.

Shrugging the feeling off almost immediately, you stick your hand out and muster a smile that hopefully doesn't let her know how much you want to murder her son in sixteen different ways.

"You're too kind, Mrs. Barnes," you greet politely. "It's nice to meet you."

She takes your hand instantly, encasing it gingerly with a warmth that makes Bucky's fingers twitch against your waist. Her nails are filed and freshly manicured, skin smooth as if she just got back from the salon. Makes sense, given the almost perfect shimmer of her nail beds.

"Oh, please, Mrs. Barnes is his grandmother," she says with a playful scoff and a tone that makes it seem like she didn't like said-grandmother very much. "Call me Winnie. None of those formalities around me, honey. James has already told me so much about you, no need to be so proper."

You stifle a snort as you peer up at Bucky in faux-shock, noticing the tips of his ears burning red.

"Oh, did he?"

Winnie drops your hand as she laughs, and two things are obvious by the way her eyes crinkle and her smile widens: she loves her son and she loves her wine.

"Plenty," she muses, lunging forward to place a ginger kiss on Bucky's hot cheek. "Oh, don't give me that look. Everyone is just so excited that you’re becoming a young man."

He shakes off her welcoming gesture, squeezing your waist once more. You can practically feel the heat radiating off his cheeks, flushed with embarrassment that you of all people are hearing this right now. At this point, you think it's a coping mechanism for him.

"Dad didn't want to be a part of the welcoming committee?" He asks coolly, switching the subject as he looks beyond Winnie towards the house, waiting for a person who is probably never going to come greet them.

You shove that assumption way, way, way down.

Whether Winnie can see the nerves coming from her son, she doesn't comment on it, instead ignoring it altogether. "Don't start with that, James. He's grilling in the back with Mr. Townes."

Bucky snaps his gaze to his mother. "What?"

You brows furrow at the sudden tone shift.

His mother doesn't notice, instead moving towards the house. "Come inside, Izzy's making tequila sunrises."

If possible, Bucky stiffens even more. At this point, he could be as rigid as a board.

"Izzy's here?" He asks incredulously, almost...angry?

Not noticing her son's clear apprehension, Winnie nods and takes another hearty sip of her wine, still smiling bright as can be as she ushers the two of you inside. If the moment wasn't so full of tension, you'd take the time to admire the sunset. The smell of a cookout. The sound of the waves lapping against the rocks with the cadence of a lullaby.

"Yes, yes." Winnie interrupts your feel of the senses cheerfully. "She's here for the night to see the fireworks. The Townes are staying at the Clearwater's next door. Now come! Everyone wants to meet your girlfriend, honey.”

Before anyone can elaborate further or escalate the conversation, Winnie is turning tail and waving you two inside once again, this time sauntering back into the mansion as her shoes crunch under the soft gravel of the driveway, humming a common tune to herself and clearly giddy as can be. She’s unknowing to the chaos she just inadvertently caused, unknowing to the way her son practically seized up at the mere mention of someone. You assume it’s detrimental, given the iron grip on your waist and the way he hasn’t breathed in what feels like a minute.

The silence becomes palpable as you can practically see the steam coming out of his ears.

Swallowing thickly, you step away from him to grab your bag (in the process of doing so, his hand leaves your waist and you try to ignore how much you hate not having it there), slinging it over your shoulder as you ponder for a moment, eyeing his duffle. Feeling gracious for a second, you grab his as well and you slam the car door shut.

The sound seems to jolt him from his internal self-inflicted pity party, blinking his blue eyes once, twice, before shaking his head, taking his bag from your extended hand and tightening his grip around the straps and muttering something incoherent under his breath.

"We've been here for two minutes and you're already grumbling," you joke lightly as you try and clear the thick air. "Personally, I would've bet on five."

Bucky takes a long, deep breath. One from the soul. One that is obviously an attempt to avoid a crash-out mere minutes into the weekend. For a moment, you almost want to immediately apologize for the ill-timed comment as you feel your face get hot.

Fucking idiot, you think, who are you to comment on that?

But instead of snapping at you or defaulting to his asshole nature, he simply takes another deep breath.

"Izzy's my ex," he says eventually. Low and calm.

Your heart sinks. Great. Perfect. Another one of Bucky's past flings coming back to haunt you. Again. (Don't ask about the again. You had a pretty black and blue shiner to the cheekbone last Christmas when his winter situationship thought you two were seeing each other when you obviously weren't. You learned very quickly in that moment that these women do not play about Bucky Barnes. Not at all.)

"She's..." Bucky continues steadily, looking up the sky for a mere moment as he tries to find the words. "...territorial."

You roll your eyes. "Great. Am I gonna have to fight this one, too?"

Bucky's lips twitch barely. Just barely. But there. A crack in his horrible mood. It makes your pride swell slightly.

"Careful, baby." He draws out smoothly. "Startin' to sound a little jealous."

Aaaaaand your pride is extinguished. Gone with the wind. Dissipated into thin air. You're halfway to the house after the pet name, hating the way your heart thumps as you hear his jovial laughter behind you as he follows you in the house.

His hand doesn't leave you the entire time you're introduced to his family.

You have every single urge to shove him off, because it seems like the fucker is enjoying this. Enjoying the feel of your smooth skin under his hand, charting territories that have been off limits for the entire duration of your friendship (god, how long has it been now?) and taking full advantage of being able to cart you around and show you off to his family. That's what he wanted, isn't it? To practically flaunt you as living proof he's not what they make him out to be?

Bucky talks about you to his aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and neighbors like you've hung the stars yourself, showcasing your career accomplishments and hobbies that you didn't even know he knew.

When you pulled him aside after the third fun fact, he simply shrugged as he fixed your hair.

"Did my research," is all he says, before putting on that million dollar smirk and moving onto the next introduction.

And he does not leave your side. Not once. Not physically. At all.

Meeting his chirpy aunt with glimmering earrings and a bright red lip? Bucky's fingers are playing with the ends of your hair. Chatting up his second cousin about the nuances of implementing more solar energy? His thumb is rubbing circles on your shoulder. Being introduced to his father and the ring of grown man crowding around the grill as if they're all waiting for their turn to be grill-master? A palm is pressed firmly to the small of your back, grounding and steady almost as a coping mechanism himself because his father does not seem to have an ounce of the warmth his mother does.

Mr. Barnes is stern. Stoic. Giving Bucky a simply once over before politely introducing himself to you. Then returning to his conversation with the rest of the guys at the grill.

Bucky takes that as his cue to steer you away, and you pretend not to notice the way his fingers tremble against your back.

And now here you are: seeking refuge in the (giant) empty kitchen, where the leftover appetizers are sitting idly on the counter while the main course, burgers and hot dogs, are about to be served outside on the back patio. From here, you can hear the faint chatter and laughter, no doubt a rich sound, but from your little corner of solace, the sound acts as a buffer between the two of you and the stuffy atmosphere.

You and Bucky lean on counters opposite each other, sipping on tequila sunrises as you carefully study his body language. Closed off. Quiet. Already in his head. Sometimes you hate being empathetic, because why do you have the urge to cheer him up? To push the hair away from his eyes? To grab his hand and tell him that it'll be alright?

Frankly, you can’t even begin to understand the dynamic Bucky has with his father. He’s never spoken highly of the man, and you’ve only heard few rumblings about him in your years of friendship (if you can call it that) with the man standing in front of you. Yet you’re no idiot, you can assume it’s nothing pleasant or warm given the constant drive Bucky has to please him, whether he outright says it or not, because despite the anger and resentment he has towards his father, you can tell there’s a still a part of him that is a boy simply wanting his father’s approval, his father’s love, his father’s respect. You can’t necessarily blame him for that. You don’t understand it, perhaps you never will, but you still hate the insinuation that he doesn’t feel like he’s enough just because his father thinks so.

"Hey," you say quietly, nudging your foot against his ankle as he peers up at you with distant eyes. "How long you think your cousin's been cheating on that old jizzbag she married last year?"

Bucky's lips twitch just barely.

"Because she's been making fuck-me eyes towards that one guy," you add pointedly. "Quite obviously, might I add, that I'm starting to get a little turned on from it. Fuck, what's his name? I think he's the neighbor, uh..."

"Dan," Bucky responds quietly, but a small smile ghosts his lips. "And at least three months. Since spring break."

You gasp dramatically. "Scandalous. You think he knows?"

"The— Christ, what'd you call him? The old jizzbag?"

Nodding animatedly, Bucky chuckles gently and shakes his head at you, slowly starting to thaw from the slump he'd been in ever since the run in with his father and returning back to the person you know.

"No shot. Or he's pretending not to notice."

"Oh?" You hum curiously. "That adds a twist. I can already smell the headline: Billionaire fossil makes shocking discovery of his lifetime, his trophy wife half his age is getting devious back shots from the stud of a neighbor, doesn't reveal their secret so long as they set up a cuck chair for him in the corner. Got a nice ring to it, no?"

Bucky laughs boyishly, and god if the noise doesn't do something weird to your gut.

(Especially when his smile is so fucking pretty it almost hurts.)

He clutches his abdomen, nudging your ankle to mirror your action from before. "I think you missed your calling. TMZ would kill to have someone like you."

"Someone like me?" You challenge, feigning offense. "You mean someone so creative and talented and—"

"There you are!"

An unknown third voice interrupts you, both you and Bucky whipping your heads to the kitchen entrance to see... probably the most beautiful woman you've ever seen in your life standing there.

Her long blonde hair is braided neatly and folded over her shoulder, accompanied with a silk ribbon tying the pieces together. Bright green eyes blink between the two of you, along with a wide (almost forced) pearly smile as she takes in the scene before her. She's genuinely one of the most stunning people you've ever seen, and with the way her eyes keep lingering on him, your heart stills. Is that..? No, you don't think that's—

"Izzy," Bucky breathes out evenly, almost pained. "Hey."

Izzy steps into the room like she owns it.

"So this is where you've been hiding out? Can't really say I blame you. It's a snooze-fest out there." Suddenly she's right here. In your bubble, sliding next to the counter and bumping your shoulder as if she's been your pal all your life. God, she even smells good. "Seems like way more fun in here."

You hum casually, remembering Bucky's thoughtfully in-depth description of her. Territorial.

Yeah. Sure. You can be territorial, too. You can totally sink your talons into him, stake your claim, assert your dominance. It's not like you're a stranger to people trying to one-up you, you're practically a professional asshole. Hopefully you won't have to use any of that side of you. But. It's there. Even if it's dormant.

"If by fun you mean raiding the liquor cabinet, then sure," you muse.

Izzy chuckles sweetly at you, then lulling her head forward to eye Bucky up and down. "I like her."

"Didn't think I needed your approval," he shoots back jokingly, but half of you thinks he was partially being serious.

Slightly, just slightly, Izzy stiffens next to you. But it lingers for less than a second, because her pretty smile is back up as she brings her cocktail up to her glossy lips.

"Just being friendly, Jamie," she murmurs into her glass, taking a sip before ahhing graciously.

Bucky's brows pinch at the nickname.

Christ, you can feel his irritation from here. He should start calling you a modern day Superman given the way you've been cutting corners at the expense of his well-being (and his blood pressure).

"You're the mixologist of the night, right?" You converse casually, lifting your glass to your lips.

Izzy's gaze lingers on Bucky (or Jamie?) for one, two beats before turning to you, eyes drifting down to your cocktail and then back up to meet yours. Her expression holds no indication of a vendetta, so trying to stay in her good graces couldn't hurt. You hope. Especially when Bucky looks at you incredulously, almost trying to warn you with his eyes not to engage.

After a moment, she nods and flashes that sweet smile once again.

No wonder Bucky fell for her, Christ. She could sway battalions by simply asking nicely.

A faint buzzing gains everyone's attention, filling the gaping silence and nearly making Bucky jump three feet in the air.

"Shit," Bucky curses all of a sudden, digging his phone out of his pocket and wincing at the caller ID. "Uh, it's Sam. He's watching Alpine, probably scratched his eye out or something."

He pauses, gaze darting between you and Izzy with skepticism.

But you're an adult. At least you try to be.

So you nod towards the other room. "We're good. Let me know if his eye's still in tact."

His blue eyes settle on you, a wordless question. And you respond with yours, smiling gently and giving him all the reassurance he needs to leave you here. With his ex. Alone. The supposed territorial girl who broke up with him so detrimentally horrific last year he lost twenty pounds. No biggie. The call can't be too long anyway, right? Sam's probably calling to send a proof of life. Five minutes, tops.

Then, Bucky does something you never expect.

The fucker leans forward, places a chaste kiss on your cheek, and promptly leaves the room.

He just— Okay. Yeah. No, totally. He just kissed you. Literally no big deal. Actually, it can't be a big deal, because you're his girlfriend. Loving, doting, caring girlfriend. Sitting next to his ex-girlfriend, who's no doubt watching your reaction like a hawk, gaging your dynamic, your vibe, your...everything. That's an everyday act for people who are dating. It's actually pretty prude-ish for people who are together. Normally it's the lips. The forehead. The back of the hand. Below the belt—

Christ. Stop. Stop. Stop.

You still have a job to do. A role to play. You can't be hung up on the semantics. You can curse him out later, you pointedly decide. That'll make you feel better. For sure.

You lift your glass in a feeble attempt to regain half your brain back. "Nice work. I'll have to ask for some pointers."

"Trick is a pinch of lemon juice," she whispers playfully. "Not that you really care, anyway."

Any ounce of formalities dissipate into thin air, rising and dying in your throat. Your head snaps up, looking into her green eyes with utter confusion, partially at the sudden tonal shift but also at the fucking audacity. Once you realize that she's not joking around, your heart skips a beat at the anticipation of a confrontation.

You... heard her correct, right? You're not just making things up based on the preconceptions you already have of her, right? She didn't just completely flip a switch and confirm all the previous suspicions you had of her, right? Right?

"Pardon?" You ask calmly.

Izzy smiles again, but this time it's nothing nice. It's calculated. Cold.

"I know what you're doing," she says gently, but the tone carries the backbone. "Trying to be my friend when you're frankly the opposite."

Oh. No mistake here. Your intuition was correct. You weren't hearing things or making scary stories up to tell in the dark. She's being fucking serious, and she's looking at you like you're her next meal, her next target, a canary to a cat. The conversation she struck up wasn't to be friendly, it was to get Bucky's guard down, to let him feel comfortable enough to leave you two in a room together with the naive belief his ex has changed.

Doesn't seem like it, though.

But two can play this game. She wants Bucky back? Too fucking bad, bitch, you think bitterly. If you weren't selling the fuck out of the girlfriend role earlier to his family, you're about to seal the deal right here, right now, starting with her.

"I think the term you're searching for is common decency," you deadpan. "A general misconception, though, so don't feel too bad."

The blonde snorts at that. Fuck, even that's a pretty sound.

"You're witty, I'll give you that. Jamie always liked the mouthy ones," she purrs, practically bleeding green.

"You think that's you?"

Izzy swirls her drink around as if she has all the time in the world to do so, bumping your shoulder with the gesture with little to no regard for your personal space. You're three seconds away from shoving her off, as you've gotten your fair fucking share of being touched tonight.

She sighs dreamily as if the whole conversation is already beneath her. "You know, if you weren't with him, I feel like we could've been friends."

Your response is immediate. "I normally don't pick up hitchhikers."

The deadpan makes her laugh, a genuine laugh, as if she's pleased with the way she's grinding your gears, as if that was the goal all along, as if your words do nothing to pierce her thick skin.

"And Jamie normally doesn't go for..." Izzy pauses, taking a long moment to look you up and down in a way that instantly pisses you off. "...girls like you."

Your brow quirks.

"But I guess it looks like everyone's changing," she adds innocently, clinking your glass with hers in a way that isn't ceremonial in the slightest, pushing herself off the counter and slowly sauntering towards the exit.

Yet you don't falter. You don't let her get to you.

Instead, you send her a warm smile that she definitely doesn't deserve as you tip your glass politely towards her.

"Don't worry," you respond coolly. "You still have time."

Izzy's grin slips, giving you another detrimentally judge-mental once over before turning heel and slipping out of the kitchen without another word, blonde braid swiveling with the abrupt movement as the scent of her pretty perfume slowly wafts out of your sphere.

Once you know she's out of sight and out of mind, you let out a long, deep sigh before downing the rest of your drink.

Conveniently, that's when Bucky decides to return, unknowing to the previous altercation.

"Well, good news is that he has both eyes," he says casually, sliding back in the spot he occupied earlier. "Bad news is that he now has the scratches to prove—"

Bucky trails off immediately when he notices your expression, your body language, how you're just about ready to throw hands at the next person who sparks up a conversation with you, clutching onto the cocktail glass as if it had done something to personally offend you. All conveniently without Izzy in sight, and he's no idiot to put two and two together in an instant.

He bites cautiously. "You alright?"

You quirk a brow. "Peachy."

Bucky carefully plucks the glass out of your hands and sets it on the counter, his hands moving back to encase yours. His fingers are cool against your flaming skin, but admittedly it calms you down in more ways than one — not that you'd ever tell him that. Not even if the world depended on it. Even though he can probably tell from the way your shoulders instantly relax.

"You look like you're seconds from snapping my neck, which is normal for you. But..." He winces, already knowing. "What'd she say?"

"Enough," you say curtly, shaking your head. "She's about to have the worst fucking weekend of her life."

His head tilts in confusion, and you're still pretending not to notice that his hands are still holding yours.

"Christ," he murmurs after a moment, brows pinched in worry. "You're not gonna kill her, are you?"

Sighing, you roll your eyes. "No. But I'm gonna remind her that she's the one who left you. That's all."

God, you hate the way he instantly grins, squeezing your hands as if it's his right to do so in the first place and suddenly occupying the space right in front of you, showing little to no fear of the giant chance you shove him where he stands. He's so close, blue eyes shining with a sense of pride that makes you want to slap the smug expression right off his pretty face.

No. Nope. His normal face. His perfectly adequate and average looking face. Nothing more. Nothing less.

It isn't until he ducks down, faces inches from yours, where your fight or flight instincts both fail you, because you just fucking freeze. Stationary. Still as a board as he holds you here, knowing damn well this is a win for him given how you haven't kneed him in the balls yet. And he grins like he knows it, wears it like a badge of honor, and you're so fucking close, closer than you've ever been. Encompassed by his broad stature and the intoxicating scent of his cologne, with a faint lingering of tequila.

His voice is low, laced with a honey cadence that almost, almost, distracts you from what he actually says.

"You're pretty hot when you're jealous."

Aaaand that's when you shove him off. He doesn't even flinch, not when the base of his spine smacks against the island counter from the force, not from the scowl on your face, not from anything. Because he won.

Bucky rides that high all night.

Especially you two sit thigh to thigh and shoulder to shoulder on an outside patio couch, getting absolutely hounded by a round-up rodeo of tipsy aunts and cousins who have nothing better to do than to learn the nuances of your supposed love life over way-too-strong cocktails and insultingly bland pasta salad.

"She's phenomenal at taking care of people," Bucky beams through a bite of a burger, saying it too nonchalant to be considered casual. This is probably the seventh question they've asked him about keen characteristics of yours, and the one that makes you quirk your brow. "She's got, like, a magic touch or something. Healed Steve when he was sick with a 104 fever."

You snort into your second (third?) cocktail glass. Yeah, you put a cool rag on Steve's forehead when he was enduring the worst hangover of his life after New Year's last year, forced him to pull-trig when he kept pushing it off, made sure he drank water and had small doses of food throughout the day (that he could stomach, which wasn't much). Your friends started coming to you after that when they were facing hangovers worse than death. Not really the same as a fever, but you'll take it.

His aunts eat it up, though, awwing at the anecdote.

"Such a sweet girl," his aunt Margaret coos endearingly.

God, you wish the world would swallow you whole.

Especially when you feel the pad of Bucky's thumb swipe the corner of your mouth with such eased nonchalance that you don't have time to register it, nearly swatting his hand away and cursing his bloodline into next Tuesday, but you remember your audience, and remain still as a statue. Because if you can't use your spitting words or hands to shove him off, then... what else can you do besides sit here like an idiot and take it? And, oh, he knows how badly you want to smack that grin right off his face, and it only spurs him in further.

"Mhm," Bucky hums low, eyes lingering on your bottom lip for a second too long before flashing a charming grin back to his family. "My sweet girl," he repeats low, certain. "But such a messy eater."

The smile on your face probably looks more like a grimace.

But whether his aunt or anyone in this little meet-cute circle notices, no one lets on.

Instead, Aunt Margaret beams as she darts her gaze between the two of you, looking like she’s about to simultaneously combust or erupt in a fit of awws, which you don’t think you can take much more of. She holds onto a printed napkin from some chain department store as if it’s an emotional tether to her soul, manicured nails digging into the soft fabric.

“It’s so nice to see you like this with someone again, James,” she says earnestly. “It’s heartwarming to know she’s making you better.”

Her words make your stomach do a weird flip. They’re simple. Kind. Nothing out of the ordinary. But the kettlebell in your gut would defer otherwise, plagued with a phantom ache that you can quite pinpoint on what emotion you’re feeling. Prideful? Guilty? Fraudulent (if that’s a state of being?) or downright evil for making these people believe something that isn’t true.

He isn’t…being real. He’s being Bucky. Charming. Playful. Playing his strengths to woo a crowd and get them to believe one thing. He’s acting. Being a (fake) doting boyfriend, doing acts that will get the people to get off his back, to believe he’s capable of moving on and functioning like a normal adult. That’s all. Nothing more.

But why’d Margaret say again?

You wonder. What the fuck did Izzy do to him all that time ago to warrant such a sudden character flip? What did she do to his brain to make him the epitome of a womanizer, to make him never trust an emotional connection that crosses the line of friendship? What emotional damage did she do to make his own family lose interest in caring for him? To make them believe he’s this awful person who will never find love again? And if what she did to him was so detrimental to his once-jovial character, why the fuck was she invited here?

You know you’re here to prove that Bucky has the capabilities to move on. You know that. Truly. You’re here as his friend, as a favor, that’s all. There’s nothing more you need to do than what you’ve already been doing.

But just because he has a supposed “girlfriend” doesn’t make him any less of a person, and fuck these people for making him believe that’s the case.

All Bucky does is hum, smile faltering only slightly to which no one notices.

But you do.

Fuck. You notice.

And your heart just… breaks.

How do they not know what a wonderful person he is? How selfless he is? How he constantly puts everyone over himself, catering to the needs of his beloved friends and even strangers before even considering his own well being? How many times have you seen Bucky carry groceries for his elderly neighbor who doesn’t do well with stairs? How many seats has he given up for others on the subway and how many visits did he make when Sam was in the hospital for a week? How many times has he saved you the last (and best) bite of a meal he made you? How can they not know the person he is? How can they only his worth as having a partner?

Don’t say anything to make it worse, you repeat to yourself over and over and over.

“Yes, honey,” his cousin Gemma pipes up. “Having such a wonderful girl is so respectable. She makes you look great.”

Fuck. Don’t say anything. Not your place.

Margaret hums in agreement. “You’re on a good path now. We can already tell. Thanks to this one!”

She nods in your direction, a warm smile adorning her cheeks.

But it only breaks the dam.

God damn it.

“Actually,” you say before you can stop yourself, gentle yet firm. “If anyone should be getting praise, it’s Bucky.”

Bucky says your name softly, almost in warning to not even bother with it.

But you brush him off, because what? You’re not going to sit here and let these people have one misconception about him running amuck in the mud. They don’t even know him, know an ounce of the person he truly is. How can they even think he’s not remotely enough? Physically? Emotionally? As a fucking human being? As someone who’s more than a partner, a boyfriend, a prop?

You know you butt heads with him. You know he drives you up the wall with every opportunity he gets, and you know he knows it makes you crazy. But at the end of the day, he’s your friend. A good one, at that. Contrary to popular belief, he cares a lot and he loves deep and he’s one of the best people on the godforsaken planet to have in your corner. Even though he grinds your gears. Even though he relishes in your irritation. Even though he's chatty and bold and boisterous.

Before the aunts and cousins can protest and stammer to get back in your good graces, you continue.

"He's the one who made me better." Well, there's no stopping it now. "When we met, I was going through a rough patch. Not sleeping, eating, taking care of myself, the whole nine yards." Not partially a lie unless you count meeting him a week within the worst breakup of your life, then yeah. "Bucky's the one who brought me out of that hole. Even though I wanted to smack him upside the head most of the time." Meaning he distracted you from your sorrows with his natural wit and charm so detrimentally that your ex was a lingering forethought in a quick matter of time. Sure, let's go with that.

Bucky's hand somehow finds yours. Aunt Margaret chuckles nervously.

“I’m sure you weren’t implying that he’s less of a person when single,” you add pointedly. Then, “Right?”

The stammering is immediate.

“No!” Margaret defends quickly, eyes wide and panicked. “Of course not. James, that’s not what we meant at all. We just—“

“That’s good,” you interrupt sweetly, frankly not interested in the half-assed apologies but also not trying to get in a tousle with people who you don’t even know like that. “I just wanted to make sure.”

“Of course,” Gemma parrots her aunt, blinking with wide eyes to try and scramble. “We love you, James, we just want you to be happy.”

And Bucky?

His hand is encasing the back of yours, fingers wrapped tight over your knuckles.

"All good," he says smoothly, as if being belittled by his family is a normal instance he's used to at this point. "I'm happy. Very much so. She's protective, 's all."

Gemma takes a particularly large gulp of her drink. "Yes, we see that. You know, James, your cousins started a bonfire by the water, why don't you join them?"

You nearly snort. That's gotta be some polite suburban code for get this girl out of my face before she tries to humiliate me further. Or something like that. Frankly, you definitely could've given them more grief, but with the way everyones faces are burning a bright crimson leads you to think that your words were the beginning of someone standing up for Bucky. Part of you hates that you're probably the first to do so given the panicked response from your defense of him, the other part of you would do it all again in a heartbeat. Regardless of the secondhand embarrassment.

Yet instead of escalating and having more choice words for his so-called family, you smile sweetly, putting the little hiccup behind you as you upturn your palm in Bucky's grasp, lacing your fingers with his so gingerly that you see him whip his head towards yours in your peripheral. He's been the catalyst of touch all night, as you've kept your paws relatively to yourself for the duration of him showing you off. But now... You're reciprocating. Leaning into the bit. Fueling the fire. And with the way he squeezes your hand in return, it's a wordless promise. I got you.

"I could go for a s'more." Your tone is light, sweet. Like a flavored creamer. You turn to Bucky, whose bright blue eyes search yours incredulously. "You?"

He takes a beat. Registering your words.

Then, he nods. "Read my mind."

You're standing before you know it, Bucky in tow, as you toss your empty plate in the trash bag lying underneath the table. Grabbing your drink and throwing one more sweet smile to his bewildered family members, you give a once-over of the mini-crowd before you.

"It was nice meeting you all," is all you simply say, before turning heel and walking towards the water.

Bucky's hand is hot against yours, burning bright and prominent as yours stays cool. You have half a mind to pull away now that you've given some distance between you and the people you're supposed to be convincing, but he doesn't allow that as he falls into step with you, bumping your shoulder in Bucky-like-fashion and giving you a gentle squeeze, a form of a thank you he can't formulate into words. The act makes your heart thrum all the same, and there's this nagging voice in the back of your mind telling you how nice it is to feel his touch, to be in his vicinity without having to worry about the next time you're scheduled to push him away.

It's... achingly comfortable.

God, you shake that thought away. Immediately.

The two of you are halfway to the bonfire when he speaks up.

"You could've gone easy on 'em," Bucky muses low and playfully, avoiding the real reason for your intervention. "You nearly scared them out of their Tory Burch dresses."

You frown instantly. "...That was me going easy on them."

He laughs boyishly, swinging your conjoined hands back and forth, clearly relishing in the way you haven't pushed him off. For once, you don't really see the urge to shove him away just yet, and that revelation nearly stuns you, but it aches in familiarity, as if you could get used to it. Especially when you see a familiar blonde sitting in one of the bonfire chairs up ahead that makes your chest burn with a fire you didn't know ignited.

"Sweet girl," he says in warning. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were seconds from throttling a sixty year old woman. I think that's considered elder abuse."

"I'm just about ready to throttle everyone here."

His hand squeezes yours once, twice. You pretend to ignore the way your heart lurches at the gesture. "Being a knight in shining armor looks hot on you."

"And now I'm seconds away from throttling you."

"Yet you're still holding my hand." You don't have to look at him to know he's grinning. "Christ, you'd be sexy in steel."

"Bucky."

"Like my own personal Joan of Arc. Oh my god."

"Do you ever think before you speak?"

"Never with you, my sweet, sweet girl." His voice is saccharine, almost sounding genuine.

You eyes roll so far back the whites are showing.

But the next quip rises and dies in your throat as you approach the bonfire, an expensive stone pit with burning embers flying high in the air surrounded by all of his cousins and family friends in similar age, who all laugh at a previous anecdote that fills the air with a warm buzz. The sun setting behind the tree-line across the lake is almost picturesque, letting the real glow of the flames cast a shadow over everyone's face, including Izzy roasting a perfect golden marshmallow.

...Sitting next to the only vacant seat.

When you and Bucky emerge to the group, all heads pick up, including the blonde's, who hums innocently inviting with that killer of a smile. But you're not fooled by a second, nor will you ever forget the absolutely audacity she had towards you in the kitchen earlier.

"Hey guys," she says cooly, blowing off the small flame of her marshmallow as she looks you dead in the eye. "Sorry, maybe there's another chair in the garage?"

The group goes quiet for a moment, holding their breaths and waiting. It's no secret Izzy's been attempting to sink her talons into her ex-boyfriend all night, stealing glances across the yard and talking him up to his family behind his back to stay in their good graces. She probably wasn't expecting you to show up this weekend, someone who will definitely put up a fight, a threat, a challenge to her endgame to get her Jamie back once and for all. There's no doubt everyone sitting in this circle knows that, especially when they all look between you and her with the anticipation of something snarky.

But you shrug nonchalantly. "No biggie."

When you peer up at Bucky and nod towards the chair, he blinks at you once, twice, before getting the hint and sitting down without much prompting, manspreading deliciously wide and audacious in a way you'd normally scold him for — as you've done so many times in the past.

This time, however, you simply let him get comfortable before settling in his lap.

...And Bucky fucking freezes.

Thankfully, almost instantly one of his cousins, a shaggy-haired late-teen who definitely shouldn't be nursing a beer, kickstarts the previous conversation with little to no regard for the clear tension between you and the person sitting one chair away, and you nearly sigh in relief at the subject change and let yourself slowly lean back until your back his brushing his broad chest.

He's not breathing. You can feel that he's not breathing because his chest doesn't rise and fall against your body, still as a board as you settle in casually. On his lap. Perched pretty on his lap. Flush to his chest. While sitting on his lap. Practically a second skin to him. Was it mentioned that you're on his lap?

The hands that have been wandering uncharted territories on your body all night are conveniently stiff on the arms of the chair, not sure whether or not they're suppose to stay politely off or if they can heighten the experience all the more. You can practically hear him thinking behind you, and you don't even need to turn around to know that or read his facial expression.

It makes you stifle a grin.

"Someone's a little quiet." You start innocently, practically cheek to cheek with him as you both stare at the burning embers. "What happened to all that sweet talk?"

You hear and feel his breath falter, as if he's just remembered how to breathe.

Bucky lets out a small huff of air, half annoyed and half amused that you're finding his internal crisis entertaining. More importantly still computing the fact that you're sitting in his lap. Willingly. Practically brushing cheeks. No big deal. Not at all. Not in the slightest. Not something he's been dreaming about for what feels like years now. Totally chill. Platonic, one may say.

"You seemed eager," he manages to get out, trying to act normal. "Still denying your feelings for me?"

You scoff. Cute of him to think he's in control here. Two can play that game.

You shift your hips barely. Just barely. A minute sliver to the left.

His hands immediately grip your waist, stilling your movements, both of you inherently shocked at the bold moves on each side but not putting a stop to the escalation, either. It's...thrilling. Especially surrounded by other people, unknowing to your objectively monumental moment. Especially sitting two feet from his raging bitch of an ex-girlfriend, whose eyes have been glued to the two of you finagling the whole time.

There's an odd sense of pride — perhaps dormant cave-woman primal instincts beginning to thaw — that instantly make you lean into the bit in response to seeing Izzy staring at you in your peripheral. You're shifting your body to splay sideways in his lap, as if he's about to pick you up bridal style and march you back into the house, splaying a hand in his hair as one of his palms remains a little too low on the base of your spine and the other resting on your bare thigh, a little too high than what friends would normally do. However, that excuse is completely out the window now, so why not run with it?

And... You're on cloud nine. Even more so when you meet Izzy's envious green eyes, smiling so sweetly it'll make your tooth rot.

Bucky hums at the sensation of your fingers in his hair whether he means to or not. "Remind me why we don't do this often?"

"Uh, probably because I can't stand you," you say as if it's law.

"Debatable."

"Is it?"

"You tell me, sweet girl." Your faces are inches apart. Have his eyes always been this blue? "You're the one sitting pretty in my lap."

"For show," you add pointedly.

Bucky grins boyishly (it's so beautiful). "Nah, I think you're doing it for the love of the game."

"That's presumptuous."

"Is it?" He mirrors your question from earlier.

God, he's so close. "Mhm. I'm simply helping a friend."

Bucky pauses at your words, eyes darting between yours almost in disbelief. The silence only lasts a few seconds, but it's palpable all the same, as those seconds feel like eons as he stares hard and deep into your eyes, practically into your soul. His grin morphs into something smaller, softer, steering away from the jovial playfulness you're familiar with and leaning into something deeper, something more serious. It makes the hair stand up on the back of your neck.

"That's what we're calling this? Friends?" He muses low, dangerous, calculated.

Your brows pinch slightly.

"Because I don't think friends do this," Bucky continues in the same tone, and you almost miss the way his thumb slips under your shirt, tracing over the lower bones of your vertebrae in admiration, curiosity, need. "I don't think friends feel like this."

It takes you a moment to find your words, still trying to hold your ground. "And what kind of feeling is that?"

His lips twitch. "I think you know, sweet girl."

"Do I?"

"Mhm." His response is immediate. "You're smart. Think about it."

...You do.

You think about what it would be like to wake up in the morning next to him, hair tousled and pretty blues bleary with sleep, reaching for you through half-lidded eyes and pulling you taut to him to get an extra few minutes of peace and quiet, or pulling you close for entirely different reasons. Would he fuck you slow and deliberate or fast and rough? Would he roll you onto your side and sink in deep with his chest against your back? Or would he crawl under the covers and bury his head between your thighs until the sun truly rises?

You think about holding his hand in public, dragging him through crowds of farmer's markets or sitting next to him on the subway. Touching him at all possible times. Him touching you at all possible times. Hands together. A hand on your thigh, on the small of your back, on the back of your neck. Endless places. Constantly. Protective. Possessive.

You think about his words. You've grown accustomed to the normal vulgarities that spill from his pretty puffed lips, but what about his true feelings? Is right now — this very moment — a glimpse of that reality? A shroud of seriousness? Would he confess through the implications his actions or would he actually find the words? Would he tell you how much you mean to him or would he show you? Would the flirting cease or tenfold if you truly told him your thoughts and feelings? How would he react to your greatest fears and nightmares, with sweet nothings or a comforting hug? Would he talk you through having sex? Tell you how pretty you are and how well you're taking him?

"You're thinking about it."

Blinking, you snap out of your disassociation to discover him still staring intently, a smile tugging the ends of his lips no matter how hard he tries not to let it slip.

"I wasn't," you defend bitterly, a weak attempt at remaining indifferent.

He truly doesn't buy it. "You totally are. It'd be a nice life, no?"

"Bucky."

"You and me. Me and you. Cooking together. Going out. Christening every room—"

"You're insufferable."

His smile is infectious, voice saccharine. "Yet you're still thinking about it, aren't you?"

Your scowl is prominent, face flushing a temperature comparable to the pits of hell. "Nope."

"Oh, Natasha's gonna love this."

"If you even consider telling Natasha, I'll cut your eyes out."

"Hot."

"Bucky."

"What?" He asks incredulously. "You can't expect me to be chill about this."

You roll your eyes. "I can, and I am. So chill." Can he feel your heart beating?

Probably, given the way his grin hasn't faltered the entire exchange, clearly soaking this up like a greedy sponge. The pads of his fingertips dig into your flesh like a staked claim, a reckless promise that doesn't need words to fill the gaps of what he truly means, what he truly wants. It's obvious, painfully so, and you're starting to slip. You wonder if he knows, if he can see the way you're subtly inching closer, if he can feel the thrum of your heartbeat in anticipation, if he can skim past your dismissive words and look into your eyes to understand your true intentions.

Fuuuuuuuuuck. You're in deep. Shit. God fucking damn it. Has he always been this pretty or is he emitting some toxic scent that makes people's brains all fuzzy and discombobulated? It must be the latter. It has to be the latter. Because absolutely no fucking way you're falling for—

God, you can't even say it. Falling for—

"Bucky!"

The shaggy-haired cousin pipes up from across the bonfire, breaking you both from your little moment and popping the bubble of unrelieved tension and rising blood pressure. Your neck twists to meet the gaze of his cousin, unknowingly continuing without a shroud of concern for interrupting the fact that you almost just kissed Bucky Barnes. On the lips. Willingly. Without a gun to your head or not from a dare. Did you mention willingly?

"Remember that burly dude who stole my skateboard in middle school?" He prompts nasally. "And ya bet him to a halfpipe competition to get it back?"

Bucky's grip on your waist and thigh are iron. "Yeah, man."

"And then he said..." Shaggy trails off, looking up into the air momentarily as if that'll help him remember the rest of the anecdote. "Fuck, I don't remember. Can you tell the story? Jason's never heard it, apparently."

While Bucky — quite reluctantly — recounts the story for the crowd, you sit idly on his lap. Thinking about it. All of it.

And you're absolutely, irrevocably, without a doubt fucked.

When the embers start to die and the people gradually trudge back to the house, you realize how late it's gotten.

Fireworks went off ages ago, illuminating the sky in hues of yellow, orange, red, sprinkles of blue and white to celebrate the holiday. Though your mind is elsewhere the whole time, solely focused on the man beneath you as he pulls you a fraction closer at the light show, cheeks brushing as you try to ignore the rapid thumping of your heart, using the fireworks as an excuse not to turn an inch to look at him. When it’s all done and over, conversations resume around the fire, more s’mores are eaten, more drinks are opened.

The half moon rises high in the sky on a cloudless night, shimmering gently over the waves on the water and pushing and pulling the soft tide. The quiet chatter from the last few people around the fire echos across the lake, the idea of s'mores long forgotten as everyone now takes the remaining sips of their drinks, bids a farewell, and disappears into the house or walks down the street to their respective homes.

Once she realized you weren't moving from his lap, Izzy packed up camp a little while ago, loudly announcing her departure to earn a few polite goodbyes and weaving into the night. It feels like a breath of fresh air when she's no longer watching your every move, but when you also feel no inclination to move off his lap (despite having nothing to prove anymore), your heart settles like a kettlebell in your gut, knowing the reason is deeper than just simply being too lazy to get up and take your own seat.

Bucky's fingers have been tracing up and down your spine for the past twenty minutes, slow and deliberate while he casually converses with his cousin. You sit still as a statue, relishing in the sensation but also not wanting to make it seem like you're enjoying this. But he knows. Because he knows you would've shrugged his touch off if you didn't want it.

It isn't until you're the last two remaining where you rediscover your motor functions.

Carefully slipping off his lap and standing on wobbly legs, your eyes drift down to his sitting figure, still manspreading so godforsaken arrogant as he peers up at you, head cocked to the side and blue eyes twinkling with pride. It's almost criminal how good he looks like this, unguarded and domestic with his hair slightly mussed and his plain white tee sitting snugly across his chest and around his biceps. His demeanor drips in smugness, absolutely eating up the way you're shamelessly staring down at him, and for a moment you brace for one of his incessant flirt tactics or forward one liners.

But it never comes. The silence says everything he wants to tell you.

Bucky simply stares up at you. Calculated. Morphing into something deeper than just lust. Maybe admiration? As one would admire the tedious brushstrokes of an intricate painting. He's thinking intently, raking his eyes over the slope of your nose, the curve of your lips, the dips of your collarbone poking through your tank top, your bare thighs where his hand took solace just moments ago. The once over isn't intimidating or intense, it's comfortable, strangely enough. As if he's taking the permission of being able to to heart, running with the opportunity to do so to the girl who never let him get too close.

"If there's something you want," Bucky says quietly after a moment, low and deliberate, "just ask."

A bratty retort rises and dies in your throat, your default response to whenever he makes a move (or an insinuation to one?), and instead linger in the moment, letting his words hang in the air as an actual testament instead of a joke.

Because the tension between you is shifted, ever since you decided to slide into his lap like you owned him and ever since his hand slipped up your shirt to hold you like he had every right to do so. It's uncharted waters, something you've never experienced with him in all your years of friendship. Sure, you've hugged once or twice and hit him feebly more times than you can count, but this is different. You allowed it, you're still allowing it, and he's taking that opportunity and making the most of it while he can.

A particularly rogue, loud wave drifts you from your thoughts, pulling your attention towards the shore.

You consider it for a moment, turning your head to see if anyone's still outside, and then back to the water, and then finally down at his figure.

"I wanna swim."

Bucky's brows skyrocket, certainly not expecting that. "What?"

Tilting your head to the side in playfulness, your fingers skim the bottom hem of your tank. "You heard me."

His eyes lock onto the sliver of skin that's exposed when you mess with the fabric, mouth agape as if he has an excuse right at the tip of his tongue. As if on autopilot, Bucky sits up, arms reaching up to pull your tank top down to where you bunched it up (or simply to have his hands on you again).

But you swerve his grabby hands, bare feet dipping into the stone patio after kicking off your flip flops, walking backwards towards the dock while still maintaining eye contact with him, challenging him, daring him, keeping him on his toes. Especially when you see him swallow a particularly harsh breath when you push your tank top up and off your body, discarding it carelessly as you're left in your bra and fumbling with the belt of your shorts.

A grin widens on your lips. "Scared?"

Bucky scoffs, the taunt kickstarting his motor functions as he subconsciously stands, flicking off his shoes and shirt in the same motion. He closes the space you created in just a few audacious steps, his broad shoulders shielding the light of the dying fire so that his body backlights the flames, making him look like some sort of angel reincarnated. Well, that comparison also aids to the fact that his shirt is off, and it's definitely a heavenly sight. Objectively speaking.

"I think you're forgetting who you're talking to," he teases low, eyes glued to the way you shimmy out of your shorts.

Yeah, he's seen you in a bikini before plenty of times (each time more enjoyable for him than the last), but this is entirely different. He nearly groans at the sight in front of him, the concept of you standing out here in the open in your matching bra and underwear simply for the love of the game. And you can tell he's tattooing this visual in his brain, the first time ever seeing you in actual undergarments looking like sin.

"No, I remember," you challenge immediately. "Clear as day."

His shorts are pooled around his ankles in a matter of milliseconds, and now you're both here: standing in the middle of a dock in the dead of the night in your underwear, the only light now from the half moon cascading light across the lake. The fire's burned out, the lights in the house are off, only the moon and the lightning bugs flickering shed a glow on the moment. It's dark, but just light enough to see the silhouette of his face, the slope of his nose, the steady rise and fall of his bare chest mere inches away from you.

After a moment of simply standing and staring, you turn towards the open water, walking slowly towards the edge as you fumble with the back clasp of your bra, letting the material fall onto the dock along with pushing your underwear down over the curve of your ass, suppressing a shit eating grin knowing he's watching your every movement behind you, especially when you hear his breath hitch audibly.

You don't turn. You don't say anything. Instead you let your toes curl the edge of the dock for one, two, moments before jumping into the cool water.

The coldness engulfs you immediately, black water surrounding you everywhere. You feel the bottom of the lake briefly, but when you come up to surface you're treading on the waves, the water being just deep enough where you can't touch.

However, your fleeting moment of staying afloat doesn't last too long before you feel the catastrophic splash of him jumping in beside you, shaking his hair out like a dog as soon as he surfaces.

"Agh—"

You groan in annoyance, attempting to shove him away as your default response but he knows you too well, anticipating this move and grabbing your wrists before they can make contact with his chest. Then, his hands immediate find your bare waist under the water and tugs you taut to his just-as-bare body.

Your arms instinctively wrap around his shoulders as the waves lap up to your collarbone, shielding your body under the near-black water. But he can feel you all the same, skin to skin, chest to chest, especially when your legs hook around his waist and his fingers dig a little deeper in the soft skin of your flesh, anchoring himself to the moment, to the feel of your body, to the sensation he's been fantasizing about for what feels like forever. When your pubic bone meets his, you realize he's just as naked as you are.

"You're evil for that."

You feign innocence. "What? I love swimming. Sue a girl for wanting to get some laps in."

Bucky shakes his head, and despite the darkness you can make out the blues of his eyes, how they're focused on nothing but you, you, you.

"Sweet girl, this isn't about the swimming and you know that." His voice is low, deliberate, edging on playfulness and genuine pain.

Still, you lean into the bit, figuratively and literally. "Maybe. But where's the fun in that?"

His lips barely brush yours. "Fun? You think teasing me all night is fun?"

"I'd say so."

"Yeah. For you."

"What would you consider it?"

He grins. "Someone who's dodging her real feelings."

“Oh?”

“Yeah. One may say euro-stepping.”

"Sure," you murmur against his lips. "Because calling it that is much more appropriate."

Then you kiss him.

And the whole world stops spinning. Because you never knew, you never ever would fucking suspect that this is where your dignity goes to die, tangled up in Bucky Barnes' arms and making out with him like your life depends on it. You never knew how nice it could be, taut against his body and tasting the lingering tequila on his lips as he groans into your mouth as if it's been killing him to not know what you feel like for all this time spent as his friend. His pal. His weirdly annoying acquaintance that he can seemingly never get enough of.

Bucky kisses you like a man starved, oxygen escaping his lungs the longer he spends seeking solace in the way you taste, feel, smell. He makes a noise, a sigh of relief and pleasure perhaps, and the sound goes straight to your core as you wrap your legs a fraction tighter around his middle, sending the message loud and clear without actually having to say anything. And he notices. Obviously. Because his cock is hard and throbbing and the mere feel of his size makes you dizzy.

"Oh my god," Bucky mumbles against your lips, drunk off the feeling of you. "Knew you'd taste so sweet."

"Sweeter somewhere else," you say gently, coaxing him.

"Fuck," he curses immediately. "You can't— You can't just say that."

Your hands slide over his cool skin, a palm pressing on his erratic heartbeat and the other seeking solace in the column of his neck, feeling both pulse points and how the rhythm skyrockets at the sensation.

"I can't?"

"No." The response is sharp, pained, as if he's barely holding it together. "Because I'm losing my fucking mind here."

You lean down, brushing your cheek with his as your lips attach to his jaw, to the stubble on his neck, to the soft skin of his earlobe that makes him sigh so gutturally that it sends a shiver down your spine. His hands trail experimentally down over the globes of your ass, breath hitching with the anticipation you’ll shove him off, but you don’t. You fucking don’t. You hum pleasingly so he squeezes, pulling you closer, fingertips digging in your flesh and rocking your hips against his so subtly that you feel the length of his cock pressing against your front.

Now it’s your turn to curse.

“Fuck.” You shift your hips against his once more. “Of course you’d have a big dick.”

Bucky chuckles boyishly, seemingly pleased with your approval. Yet you feel his neck get hot with the compliment, a bit flustered at the sudden remark, and it makes you zoom out for a moment, because behind all the sweet talk and flirting and charming persona, he’s just a guy. Flustered with a bit of flirting back. Folding immediately after a bit of touching and soft words. Not only does it make a nice swell of pride in your chest, it makes your heart flutter. Knowing he’s just a man. (A man who has been practically celibate the past year when he realized this feeling towards you was going nowhere, but nonetheless just a man.)

“Makes up for being an asshole,” is all he’s able to get out.

You hum against his vocal cord, purposefully pressing your breasts further into his chest and skimming your palm over his heartbeat.

“You’re not an asshole,” you say genuinely, softly, too kind to be kidding. “Not actually.”

“Careful, baby,” he warns. “It’s starting to sound as if you like me or something.”

“I can totally swim away if you want me to—“

“Nope.” His hands are iron grip. “Not a chance. You’re stuck with me.”

You scoff. “I’m never being nice to you again.”

Bucky kisses your temple, a display of intimate affection that makes your heart thrum with all notes of lust aside. It’s delicate. Simple. Promising. Something you can definitely get used to.

“I can live with that,” he says simply, as if it’s certain as law.

That’s when you pull back to look at him. To truly look at him.

How pretty he looks in the moonlight, skin soft with water droplets cascading down his cheeks from his damp hair. How soft his gaze is as he stares right back at you, reaching a hand up to the crown of your head to wipe away your hair that’s fallen onto your face, tucking it gingerly behind your ear and letting his palm idly lay on your jaw, holding you there as if he has all the time in the world to do so. Deliberate. Meaningful. Purposeful.

It isn’t until a fish swims up against your leg, scaly and slimy and absolutely ruining the moment as you yelp, scrambling in his arms.

“Argh— What the fuck!”

Bucky laughs. Hard. Shoulders shaking and everything, hardly panicked in the slightest as you grimace, practically koala clinging to him and scanning the inky water for any more proof of aquatic life.

“Easy,” he muses gently, beginning to walk towards shore with you still in his arms. “All this big, bad talk and you’re scared of a fish.”

You scoff, cheek to cheek with him as you rest your chin on his shoulder, scanning the ripples of waves forming behind him (and totally not staring at his ass in the act of doing so). Your palms lie on his upper back, feeling the planes and muscles move as he trudges out of the water and not even feeling an ounce of shame about it.

“That wasn’t a fish,” you defend instantly, hating the way he’s still literally laughing at you. “That was… It was a three tailed shark, or something.”

Bucky’s footsteps gradually stop, leaving him in thigh-deep as your naked body is completely out in the open as you still cling to him, suddenly fucking freezing despite the warm air and frustrating that he’s not moving, instead standing audaciously still. In this moment you realize just how incredible naked you are — him, too — hanging onto him like a second skin as he holds you like a lifeline.

His words are slow and calculated. “A three tailed shark?”

You groan, annoyed he’s not moving. “Or something.”

“…Or something. Don’t sharks have fins? Not tails?”

His tone makes it sound like he’s on the verge of barking out laughter.

"Can we go inside and stop lingering in creature infested waters please?"

"Oh, god," Bucky says, feigning horror. "It must've bit and infected you with something. You're saying please."

"Bucky."

"It's worse than I thought."

"I'm going to kill you."

"Just like any other day."

When he (eventually) starts moving again, he sets you down gently on the small shore as you immediately give him a shove which earns a hearty laugh from him, stomping away from the beautiful sound to retrieve your scattered clothes on the dock and bonfire patio. The embers have gone out long ago, leaving the two of you coated in a comfortable darkness illuminated solely from the moonlight.

As you gather his clothing as well — even though you throw it at him as he continues to laugh right in your face — you noticed a dim light flicked on in the house on the first floor. If that isn't motivation to get dressed, then you don't know what is. So you slip your tank top and shorts back on despite your sopping wet figure, noticing Bucky following suit as you're already halfway to the house.

"Wait— fuck," Bucky curses, picking up a light job to fall into stride with you, audaciously bumping your shoulder now that he has the right to do so. "The three tailed fish almost got me, and you weren't there to save me."

Your eye roll kickstarts a migraine.

Shamelessly, he slides his hand in yours, interlacing your fingers. "I could've died," he says incredulously.

Truly you try to ignore how nice it feels to be holding his hand, how is palm encases yours and how his thumb glides over your smooth skin in admiration, such a simple gesture but...sweet in its own. Christ, get it together, you're not in middle school. Even though his incessant teasing makes your face feel hot and even though you try and hide your smile (impossible), you don't dream of pulling away like you normally would. You...let yourself have the moment, even if your dignity is the price.

"I think you're having way too much fun overanalyzing a moment of weakness," you mumble bitterly, walking up the porch stairs and avoiding his gaze.

He hums low. "Am I?"

"Clearly."

"Couldn't you argue I'm on cloud nine because I kissed a pretty girl instead?"

God, your face is burning. How do words come so easy for him? "Do you ever stop talking?"

"Never with you."

He squeezes your hand once, twice in a way that makes you think he probably doesn't even realize he's doing so. When you get to the door, Bucky's quicker than you, reaching his unoccupied hand up to quietly turn the knob and open the door with a gentle creak, gesturing you to enter first like the grandeur gentleman he is (debatable) and hot on your tail so he can close the door behind the two of you (probably making you go in first so he can take a sneak peak at your ass).

Once you're both inside, Bucky stands broad behind you, still gingerly holding your hand as the other one comes to lay refuge on your waist, guiding you towards the grand stairs just on the other side of the dimly lit kitchen. He's right at your back, feeling the rise and fall of his chest against your spine as he pushes you into the next room—

...To where you're not alone.

You freeze when you see a figure standing at the kitchen island, the spot where you stood with Bucky and Izzy a few mere hours ago where you learned her true character, and your heart drops when you realize it's Bucky's dad, nursing a half drank whiskey in his pajamas. He's peering at the two of you intently, and you realize they have the same bright blue eyes, as if you're looking at his carbon copy. You wonder if he's who Bucky sees every time he looks in the mirror.

Mr. Barnes stares at you and his son through tired eyes, almost as if he was expecting this to happen, a little midnight rendevous involving his prone-to-risky-behavior kid. This probably isn't the first time his father has caught him in a predicament like this, unfortunately, given the way Bucky absolutely stills behind you and how his grip becomes iron.

"James," his father says eventually, low and rough around the edges with exhaustion. "It's one in the morning."

Although Bucky doesn't cower. "I'm aware. We were being quiet."

His father does a quick (and rather judge mental) once over of the two of you: hair dripping, bodies sopping wet, water staining through previously dried clothes and probably making a puddle the longer you stand stagnant in one place. You can imagine how this doesn't look great, especially for Bucky whose been trying to render the rebellious image his family has of him.

All of that hard work today is seemingly put down the drain, because you think that — at the end of the day — the only approval your supposed-boyfriend has been seeking is his father's...who doesn't look very happy in this given moment.

The up-curl of his father's lip is nothing nice. "You really thought it'd be a good idea to mess around in the water this late?"

Bucky narrows his eyes. "I'm not a kid."

"You're my kid," he corrects pointedly, not saving room for argument. "Acting like an idiot."

"Can we not— Can we not do this right now? In front of my girlfriend?"

A shiver runs down your spine, both at the incoming confrontation and the forbidden g-word.

But Mr. Barnes doesn't flinch at the attempt to diffuse the escalating situation.

"You're an adult acting like a child." His father's voice is quiet in volume, but laced with venom at the undertones. "So I'm going to speak to you like one."

Before Bucky can say anything else, you unexpectedly clear your throat.

"The swimming was my idea," you defend gently, trying to diffuse the growing tension with an ounce of the sweetness everyone seems to think you have. "Not his. Really. I practically forced him to."

Your name is said softly behind you, defeated and partially in warning to not get involved.

But you are. Oh, you fucking are getting involved. Because Bucky's been subconsciously throwing looks over his shoulder to see if his father was seeking him out for anything special, to see if he was needed for any task whether it be helping man the grill or even take out the trash, for fuck's sake. It's not your place to say you noticed, but you did, and your heart breaks for him, for the small shroud of hope he always holds for the mere possibility he'll be loved. Appreciated. Cared for in a way he yearns to be.

Besides, you're not scared of this man. Granted, you've been wanting to fight him for years given the way Bucky's shoulders always sag without meaning to whenever parents get brought up, but you've always had something personal set out for his father despite wanting to strangle Bucky half the time you've known him. But this is different. This is love, we're talking about. A basic human emotion. Something everyone should have, feel, give out. And his father just...doesn't.

His father's eyes set on you. "That's very chivalrous, honey, but James knows better—"

"I do too," you interrupt firmly, yet gentle enough to not escalate with volume. You need to get out of this kitchen. Stat. Not for your sake but for the man standing behind you, still as a statue. "Definitely irresponsible, but still. I'm sorry for bringing water into the house, where do you keep your towels so I can clean it up?"

"That's not—"

Bucky's father trails off, cutting his sentence in half as he sighs instead, peering at your innocent gaze and pondering for one, two beats before sighing again, ultimately deciding that this little dominance back and forth act is simply not worth the trouble. Nor the headache. Because there's no way you're not taking the blame and there's no way his father wants to pin the blame on anyone other than his son, the easy way out.

"No need for that," Mr. Barnes secedes eventually. "The two of you just... head to bed and we'll forget this happened in the morning."

You furrow your brows, a retort rising in your throat.

But Bucky squeezes your hand, leaning down so his lips ghost the shell of your ear.

"C'mon." His voice is merely a whisper. "Let's go."

Bidding a soft goodnight to his father, you allow Bucky to guide you out of the kitchen, still right behind you but without the same smile from earlier, the same pep in his step. Instead he's quiet — too quiet — as he trails your path up the stairs, down the hallway all the way to the left, and into his childhood bedroom where you brought your bags up to earlier today.

When he shuts the door behind you and flicks on the old Superman lamp he's had since he was a kid, you're engulfed in a gentle light, illuminating the old comic book collection gathering dust in the corner and the old super-hero posters hanging on the wall, edges creased from aging. Most of the recent decor he brought to his apartment, so everything in here are the scraps, the old testaments to his childhood that make your heart swell detrimentally.

"You wanna shower?"

Bucky's voice startles you as you shamelessly study his wall decor, turning your heel to discover him on the other side of the room plugging his phone in.

He can barely look you in the eye as he continues. "Room's on the other side of the house where everyone's sleeping. It won't wake anyone up, if that's what you're thinking."

You frown.

...No. That's not what you're thinking.

You're thinking about him pretending to be fine, pretending not to care about the emotional toll his father has on his life, pretending not to acknowledge the astronomical tonal shift from when you were in the lake to now, two opposite ends of the same stick, planets apart. You're thinking about how he always goes into panic mode whenever his father's around, and you assume it's him bracing for the anticipation of being insulted or belittled or completely ignored all together. You're thinking about the fact that no one's probably defended him in his life. Maybe besides his sister, but she's not here this weekend, so he would've had to muster it alone if you didn't show.

But you can easily tell he doesn't want to talk about it given the way he barely looks in your direction. He probably needs a moment, you think logically, so no big deal. You'll take a quick shower, maybe he'll go after you or he'll fall asleep. The activities from the lake can wait. Truly, they can, because you want him to be in the right headspace.

So you shower. Quickly. Not bothering with half of your normal routine, just a simple body and hair wash before stepping out, and you barely get a word in because he enters the bathroom right after you, following your actions. In the time he takes under the hot water, you slip into your pajamas and slide into his childhood bed, claiming a side you hope isn't his and staring at the ceiling. You count down the minutes until the water shuts off, wringing the thin blanket in your hands as some sort of pathetic coping mechanism to fuel your bubbling nerves.

Bucky emerges from the backroom in basketball shorts, his normal sleeping attire, as he maneuvers swiftly around the room to shut the lights off and eventually slide into the bed next to you.

Your fingers twitch in his direction, aching to hold him.

The silence between you is palpable, and you teeter between wanting to fill the gap or let it coarse you into a deep sleep. However that internal debacle doesn't last very long, because when he adjusts his position and his arm brushes yours, you take a long deep breath. Well, so much for trying to mind your own business.

"Hey." You nudge his arm with yours. "You asleep?"

"It's been thirty seconds since I've laid down."

"...So, no?"

Bucky chuckles softly in the darkness, and you count that as a win in your books. "No, sweet girl."

You hum contently, biting your lip as a million questions rise and die in your throat. How do you...broach it? Do you outright ask if he's alright? Simply reach over and hold him instead of opting for your words? Or do you make him use his words, talk through his bubbling feelings. That will most likely make him feel better (you'd hope) but then again, he most definitely does not want to do that, not with you, especially since he'll probably label is as a serial mood killer.

His voice startles you. "I can hear you thinking."

You blink stupidly.

"Sorry," you say immediately, unsure of why you're apologizing. "I just— I'm sorry. I wanna know if you're alright, but I feel like I know the answer, but I also didn't want to say anything to remind you— I don't even— Sorry. I don't know anymore."

Bucky doesn't say anything, and the silence is almost unbearable. Granted it's only a few seconds between your last breath and the long stretch of quiet elongating between you, but it feels like eons, days stretched into nights, weeks into months and months into years. Your panicked incessant rambling lingers like a cloud in the air, unforgiving and soft but so fucking obvious.

God, why isn't he saying anything?

You only make it worse. "That sucked. Hearing him speak to you like that. I hate that it's normal. It shouldn't be." Fucking christ, stop talking. "Even today with your aunts, I don't understand it. You didn't deserve that. You don't deserve that. That's not... That isn't how you speak to people you love." Shut the fuck up. "I just... I'm sorry. That's all. I'm here if you want to talk. Uhm. Yeah."

Bucky's still quiet for a moment.

Then, "Will you c'mere?"

At his words you blink once, twice, unsure you heard him right, but the longer it lingers in the air, the more certain you are of the request, swallowing the lump in your throat and cautiously shifting towards him, heart racing from your panicked little speech at the fear of crossing boundaries or making him feel like even more shit than he already probably does.

You place a light palm on his bare chest experimentally, and his hand immediately encases over your knuckles, fingers calloused and rough and cool from the water. Cautiously, you rest your cheek on his shoulder as he wraps an arm around your body to splay his hand on your spine, tugging you closer.

And you just... hug him.

Truthfully, you're not really sure why you do so, but you assume it's stemming from the kettlebell settled in your gut from the interaction with his father, how easy it was for him to speak down at his son as if it was any other day. God, it make your chest ache with something you're not necessarily ready to confront and understand, but that feeling lingers and spreads in your body like a wildfire, hot and burning and impossible to ignore.

The whole thing makes Bucky stiffen, not from the act of having you close but from the implication behind it, the way you're trying to comfort him instead of brush it off like everyone else does, caring for him in a way that feels foreign, performative, fake. He's not used to it, used to this, to the simplicity of your rambling words to the warmth of your arms, literally and figuratively.

You swallow thickly and it feels like sandpaper.

The sound makes Bucky snort, chest jerking underneath you. "I'm alright."

"Okay."

"I think you're more upset about it than I am."

You huff, half playful and half in disbelief that he's finding the energy to kid around. "Upset is an understatement. I think I'm ready to take on your whole family, Scott Pilgrim style."

Bucky's thumb smoothes over your knuckles delicately, as if he's skimming the topography of a map. "That fighting technique is for evil exes, sweet girl."

"Still applicable here," you murmur without thinking, flashes of a pretty blonde popping into mind.

All he does is hum teasingly, but it's gentler, as if his eyes are shut and sleep is beginning to overtake. Despite desperately wanting to continue the activities from the lake, you know it's not the time nor place for that kind of mood. And, genuinely, you're fine with that. Because you want that moment, whenever it may come, to be in good graces, to be in the right headspace.

It's quiet again for a while, the two of you basking in the now-comfortable silence as you hold each other as if life itself depends on it. The concept of being here, laid in his arms, seeking his warmth and touching him for longer than ten seconds would've seemed like a fever dream yesterday, but now that it's something that you've experienced, there's little to no possibility of ever returning to what it once was. Not when you know how nice it is to be held by him, touched by him, kissed by him.

You're inches from sleep when his baritone voice lulls you.

"Izzy and I were together when I was in my snowboarding accident."

His voice is all but a whisper, a hushed breath, but you hear him all the same, now wide awake with the anticipation of his anecdote. You've heard about his accident in high school, how his arm was the price of his life. Granted, you've never really asked him about it not knowing if it's a sensitive topic, but he's mentioned it a few times in the duration of your friendship casually. Snowboarding accident, months of trial testing bionic limbs, a whole nightmare for him. Sure, he's infinitely better now, but sometimes you notice the way he rolls out his shoulder where flesh meets metal, never quite comfortable in skin that isn't his.

You feel the cool metal against your back, calming you in more ways than you'd care to admit.

"At first, she was there for me as much as any seventeen year old could." Bucky's fingers trace over your vertebrae, perhaps as a coping mechanism. "Tied my shoes. Fixed my hair. Carried things for me. Drove me to appointments when my mom couldn't. Basic caretaker tasks like that."

Your stomach fills with dread imagining a seventeen year old Bucky faced with such an incomprehensible struggle, a life-changing alteration. Just a kid. Having to re-learn everything he already knew.

Then he pauses for a moment, finding the correct words.

"It got to the point where I was inconsolable. Treatment was rough, the bionic matches kept falling through. I think it got too hard for her because I was so negative all the time," he excuses quietly.

Your defense is immediate. "No shit you were negative, Bucky. You went through something incomprehensible."

"Easy, sweet girl." His voice is saccharine, light and playful at your irritation as if he's finding your rising blood pressure funny. "It was a long time ago. I'm over it. I'm telling you because I want you to know, not because I'm still bitter, okay?"

With a small sigh, you secede, digging your cheek further into his shoulder to prevent a pout. "M'kay."

Bucky hums. "Good girl," he murmurs with certainty.

(Your breath hitches. You disguise it as a yawn.)

He either ignores it and lets you suffer or doesn't notice. "But basically she just slowly pulled away. Stopped checking in, brushed me off at school like she was embarrassed by the whole thing. The amount of times I made Steve and Becca do my hair or get that one itch on my back was concerning. However, I did learn how to chop fruit one handed. Felt a bit like Soul Surfer."

"Bucky."

He chuckles boyishly. "Sorry. But true. It was right before prom when she left me officially when I got a bionic match for a new arm." His fingers wiggle against your spine, making you laugh into his warm skin. "I thought...you know... we'd be good. I was getting better, actually had a working limb," he continues, trailing off because you both know how the story ends.

You ask anyway. "What happened?"

"Her dress was navy," he says simply. "Didn't match with black."

Your filter leaves the room. Immediately.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Bucky just laughs. Hard. Honest. As if he was totally expecting the reaction.

"Nope," he says simply, still coming down from his laughter (that is normally such a beautiful noise but you're too busy seeing red to process anything other than how bad you want to fight her right now). "Took Becca as my date and had loads more fun, anyway."

The anecdote still does nothing to soothe your frustration. "How could she—? When you were— Did she even—? And then she has the audacity to try and get you back—"

"Easy." A playful warning.

"No. I'm fighting her in the morning."

He snorts as if this is the most entertaining bit of the day. "You're not fighting anyone. I'm okay, I'm over it." Then he pauses. "But I'm flattered you'd fight someone for me, baby."

The pet name makes your face flush, and instead of commenting on it (because he can probably feel your heat on his skin), all he does is hum with contentment, because you can deny it all you want, but he's right. You will go to bat for him, and you have multiple times in the past twenty four hours, despite how much you love to tell him you won't. It's almost a bit embarrassing how well he can read you, even in the dark, unknowing to the extent of which he knows you, how much he's been paying attention to your mannerisms, demeanor, behavior the last few years of knowing him.

You yawn gently despite your bubbling anger, squeezing him just a fraction tighter as a wordless gesture that you're here, you're not running, and you're in his corner no matter how much he riles you up, makes you want to punch a wall, or smack him upside the head. Preferably in that order.

Then his lips meet your hairline, pressing gently as a show of good faith as your eyes flutter shut, relishing pathetically in the moment.

"Sleep it off, Rocky," Bucky jokes low, voice rough with sleep and admiration. "You'll be back to sweet girl in the morning."

"Wait." You find yourself saying a little more desperate than you hoped. "We're not— Uh— Are we not— Like, you know..."

Bucky pauses, your babble of an incoherent sentence lingering in the air.

"Are we not..?" He asks in clarification, trailing off. “…what?”

But he’s connecting the dots anyway, trying to suppress a grin you can practically hear in the darkness and how deliciously it spreads on his lips. The rapid thumping of your heart is a dead giveaway as to what you’re referring to, and Bucky’s too smart to not know the nuance of your words, too in tune with your semantics and too fucking keen on you as a whole. It sometimes it feels like he knows your reactions and responses before you even know them yourself.

The pause between you is palpable, because he knows what you’re asking for. But he’s never made things easy for you — why would he? Especially when he has the opportunity to hear you use your words, plea for continuing the events from earlier, something he’s been dreaming about for far too long in such a pathetic way that it makes him practically oozing with smugness. He wants to hear you beg for him, to say please like the sweet girl you are, and then he’ll have you every single way you want him.

You groan irritably. “You’re really gonna make me say it?”

“Yup.” Prick.

“This should be considered a form of medieval torture.”

“What’s torture is every second you’re delaying the inevitable.”

You roll your eyes even though you know he can’t see it. “For you.”

The sigh that comes from his mouth is dreamy, almost mockingly as you build up the courage to give him what he wants. “Who knew I’d get cracked in my childhood bedroom.”

“Seriously? Can you not phrase it like that?”

His fingers skim the waistband of your sleep shorts, slow and deliberate and dangerously low on your back. The baritone hum emitting from his throat does nothing to settle the bubbling nerves in your stomach.

“Sorry,” he says, completely unapologetic. “Who knew that you’d get cracked in my childhood bedroom.”

“Bucky.”

He repeats your name back with a mirrored cadence.

You sigh, knowing that you might as well be talking directly to a brick wall.

But it isn’t until he shifts up onto his side, ducking down in the darkness to find the curve of your jaw with his lips. He places one, two chaste kisses on your soft skin, a plea of sorts, and then moves lower to the column of your neck, shamelessly inhaling the faint scent of shampoo as he sucks a sweet spot just below your jaw. When he groans quietly — yet loud to you all the same because he’s right there by your earlobe — your hands immediately seek solace on his broad shoulders, fingers dancing in the ends of his hair as some sort of coping mechanism.

“Tell me to stop,” Bucky mumbles against your pulse point, his hushed whisper sounding pained.

Your response is immediate. “Don’t.”

With one swift guidance, you’re suddenly on your back with your hair splayed against the pillow, and Bucky’s hovering over you, chest to chest, as his lips immediately connect with yours, full of hunger and admiration and straight disbelief that you’re both in this scenario right now. He slots himself between your open legs, barely — just barely — connecting his hips with yours. The faintest brush of his hard cock to your cunt makes you both intake a sharp breath, and it isn’t until you’re ignoring the steps to take it slow and hooking your legs around his waist, tugging him closer by digging your heels in the base of his spine so that you feel him. All of him. Up against you.

Bucky moans into your mouth at the contact, minimal but there and prominent.

It makes you feel dizzy. Buzzed off one drink. Floaty off one hit. Intoxicated and airy and light as if you’re not even on the planet. You kiss him back with fervor as you feel his hands push the hem of your sleep shirt up over your ribs, just stopping shy of the swell of your breasts.

You answer before he can put the request into words. “Off.”

Bucky obeys, but not without him grinning against your lips. “Bossy.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Your shirt is discarded somewhere carelessly in the darkness, leaving your chest bare. “Would you rather me be quiet and complicit?”

His hands waste no time fondling your breast, pushing and pulling the flesh and rolling the pad of his thumb over your pebbled nipple. The act is done in pure admiration, the need to explore and simply feel your body, to learn what makes your toes curl and eyes roll back.

“No,” he says immediately before ducking down to attach his mouth to your chest.

Sighing, your back arches into his mold, one hand fisting the ends of his hair and the other splayed on his broad back. The sensation of his mouth on one breast and the cool metal fingers fondling the other gives you a shock of pleasure that’s almost embarrassing to admit. It’s hot and cold, your body confused with the temperature it’s supposed to be feeling, but it sends a jolt of pleasure down your spine nonetheless.

You think you sigh his name. Maybe you moan it. At this point, you’ve lost control of your motor and speech functions.

Christ, it’s humiliating how wet you are. You can feel it in your sleep shorts, and perhaps you were dripping for him ever since his hand grabbed your ass to initiate this little rendezvous. Regardless of the semantics, he’s bound to discover the remnants of your pleasure sooner or later, probably in seconds given the way his hand slowly skims down your ribcage, over your stomach, eventually settling on the waistband of your sleep shorts and dipping his fingers inside to tug down.

This time, Bucky does ask. He takes. And within seconds, your shorts are added to the discarded pile of scattered clothing.

When his fingers meet the slick wetness between your slit, you sigh unabashedly loud from the mere teasing, not missing the way his breath hitches from where his mouth kisses your breast almost as if it’s stolen from him. Ragged and pained and you swear you feel his cock twitch in his shorts.

“Oh my god.” His fingers spread you open, feeling your obscene wetness. The act is nothing short of slow and deliberate, as if in disbelief. “All this for me, sweet girl?”

Your face flushes. “Bucky.”

Your attempt at a deadpan falls short, and it merely comes out as a breathy sigh that’s music to his ears.

He’s in heaven. He must be, given the dreamy sigh that falls from his lips. “Knew you liked me.”

“Shut up.”

Bucky laughs again at your attempt to stay tough, maneuvering down your torso with kisses peppered to your breasts, ribcage, stomach, hip bone, all the way to your inner thighs where he nestles in between your legs, hooking your thighs over his shoulders with one hand remaining on one of your breasts. He gives it a gentle squeeze, a reaffirmation, as you brush some hair out of his eyes that you can just make out in the moonlight poking through the sliver of the curtain.

“I think you should be a little nicer to the guy who’s about to eat you out.”

You scoff, ignoring the way you twitch when his hot breath fans over your cunt. “I think you should—“

You don’t finish. He doesn’t let you, prick, because his mouth attaches to your core to shut you up immediately.

And it works, because ho— holy fu— fuck—

Bucky hums greedily low into your cunt at the effectiveness of making you speechless, plunging his tongue that’s hot and needy as his nose nudges into your clit every time his jaw tightens. One hand squeezes your breast, rolling his thumb over your nipple, as the other splays on your hipbone to effectively keep your hips tethered to the bed. God, you’re trying to move against his face, writhing with pleasure that he’s too good at giving, and he’s only making it worse by keeping you still. Your thighs shake around his head at the attempts, back arched against the mattress as if it’s done something to personally offend you.

A minute passing feels like eons. He eats you out like a man starved, thoroughly pleased with the way you’re breathily moaning curses and his name as if they’re mantras spilling from your lips. It’s a beautiful sound, one he’s thought about more than once with his hand down his pants picturing it was your hand. Now it only makes his cock throb achingly, and his hips rutting into the mattress somewhat relieves the pressure in his groin.

He shifts his body, freeing a shoulder. When he adds his fingers to the mix after another minute of greedily letting his mouth do all the work, the pad of his thumb searches the darkness for that special sweet spot. Bucky misses once, twice, three times, but when a ragged moan escapes your lips at the fourth attempt, he doesn’t miss again. Instead, he presses harder circles, keeping the same rhythm that makes you squirm and whine and clutch his hair so tight it makes his eyes roll back into his head.

The coil builds in your lower tummy, sparking like a lit match and gradually getting brighter with a sense of euphoria that’s blinding, dismantling all your default settings and making you into a big pile of mush and moans. Your heels dig into his lower back and your thighs clamp against his head, and instead of pulling away or teasing you, it only spurs him on further, as if suffocating is part of his endgame.

“Bucky,” you babble clumsily. “Fuck— Right th— Fuck, I’m close—“

A low hum escapes his throat, vibrating your pleasure to tenfold as it comes crashing over embarrassingly fast, blinking away the blurry spots in your vision as you come hard on his mouth, writhing against his face as his tongue and fingers fuck you through it nice and firm, the sound wet and obscene and straight pornographic. You feel his lower body jerk forward particularly harsh, as he’s been rutting the mattress the whole time, groaning low into your cunt and it’s such a beautiful sound, a practical whine, sounding irrevocably wrecked just from eating you out.

Bucky Barnes. Whining into your cunt. Fucking you with his mouth so good you practically see stars. Definitely did not see that on your radar.

The aftershocks make your back arch off the mattress, thighs trembling achingly so against the sides of his head, especially when he dives into your cunt for more — after you’ve already come — and the overstimulation makes your thighs jerk closed on instinct. But the notion of tightening your hold around his head only makes Bucky pant into your core, out of breath but not detaching his mouth under any circumstance, as if he wants to die between your thighs as if he was put on this earth to do so.

You shake and babble something incoherent, mind fuzzy and still trying to come down from the intensity of the moment, whining as his tongue continues to lap up the remnants of your orgasm with all the time in the world. The concept of him going in for more, not wanting to stop tasting you, only spurs you on further.

It isn’t until his thumb finds your clit again to where you physically jerk, letting out a shameless moan from the overstimulation.

“I need you,” you murmur raggedly, sounding absolutely fucking wrecked. “C’mere.”

“Wanna give you another,” Bucky mumbles, resting his cheek on your inner thigh as he pants from the work, his fingers replacing his tongue as they plunge in and out of your cunt, curling into sweet spots you thought unimaginable.

You paw around clumsily in the darkness to reattach your fingers to his hair. “Wanna feel you.”

“Fuck,” he whines. Whines. “I need a— need a minute.”

“Please,” you plea into the darkness, throwing your dignity out the window given the sheer desperation in your voice. “I want your cock. Please, Bucky.”

His teeth gently bite down on your inner thigh, making you jerk at the sensation as he bites back a moan — literally.

“God, you’re killing me.” Bucky crawls up your body, needy and desperate and clumsy as his lips find the column of your neck. “Want you too, baby. I just— I need— I can’t—“

Your hand reaches down to cup his length, his achingly hard cock straining his shorts. Bucky physically jerks, practically trembling as you feel his cock literally twitch in your grasp. Especially when your fingers smooth down his length over his shirts, your thumb finding his tip and brushing over—

You gasp.

Brushing over the prominent wet spot.

The cool sensation against your thumb makes you both viscerally react, you intaking a sharp breath of disbelief and Bucky moaning into the hot skin of your neck, his hand iron gripping your waist and the other elbow holding up his body so he doesn’t entirely collapse on you, but given the way he’s melting from simply touching his dick over his clothes, you figure that might happen soon.

He came from eating you out. You hadn’t— You didn’t even need to touch him. And he’s still hard.

So you find yourself smiling. No, grinning.

“All this for me, sweet boy?” You murmur back at him, reiterating his words from earlier.

Bucky scoffs against your neck, burying his face in the crook of it as he sucks a sweet spot on your vocal point. But he doesn’t say anything. He can’t. Not when your hand feels like heaven and sin mixed together in the same breath. Unashamed of his clear want and desire and lust, letting you do whatever you want and placing proverbial knife in your hand and hoping you don’t stab him with it.

You let it happen for a minute. Maybe two, while you essentially jerk him off over the shorts as he assaults your neck. But you need more, clearly not done if the night will allow it. Especially when he sounds this hot, this wrecked as if you have his lifeline in the palm of your hand (in some ways, you do).

“Lie back,” you say gently in his ear, finally not panting after the intensity of your orgasm and speaking coherently.

Bucky hums teasingly, but obeys nonetheless, shifting off of you, sliding his shorts off and propping himself up against the headboard.

“You gonna take care of me, baby?” His gravely voice makes you bite your lip.

You clumsily scramble up to perch in his lap, his hands greedily on you before you can even settle in. It’s dark, no doubt, but you can just make out the outline of his cock standing straight against his stomach, hard and leaking and ready for you again. Gently, you reach down and take him in your hand, thumb brushing over the wet tip and slowly — achingly slow — jerk him off as you feel him tense beneath you, especially when you trace over a vein.

God, he’s big. You don’t need the light to know that.

Bucky’s hand grabs your wrist. “I don’t… I don’t have condoms here.”

You continue your movements. “‘M safe. It’s okay.”

You adjust your hips, lifting them on trembling thighs as you guide his dick through your wet folds, keeping him there as you coat him with the remnants of your previous orgasm.

The sensation makes you both moan pathetically. Bucky’s hands are squeezing the flesh of your ass as he shakily aids your movements, and one of your hands braces on his shoulder, the other smoothing over the lines of his abdomen in admiration. And you just…rub on him for a bit. Feeling his length. (Also to partially hear his breathy whines when his tip nearly enters your cunt with every shift of your hips.)

“You feel like a fucking dream,” Bucky sighs. “Taste like one. Smell like one.”

Instinctively, you lean forward and place a chaste kiss on his lips, one that he chases when you pull back, capturing you in another filthy kiss as your hand guides his cock towards your entrance. With the wet slick of both your arousals, his tip slips right in, and Bucky intakes a sharp breath at the sensation, his hands iron and immediately halting your movements.

“Shit,” he curses. “Shit. Give me a second.”

“Gonna come from just the tip?”

“Shit. Maybe.”

You laugh, and the vibration makes him swear again, nearly sounding pained. Bucky says your name low in warning, but you just pepper kisses on his cheek, jaw, neck, as he slowly — at his pace — lowers your body onto him until he’s buried to the hilt, and you’ve never felt so fucking full, stretched, fulfilled.

Adjusting your hips subtly to accommodate all of him, Bucky’s hand comes up to the crook of your jaw.

“Breathe,” he muses gently.

You let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding, so caught up in the mere size of him and how he’s undoubtedly the biggest dick you’ve ever had, stretching you to regions unknown and places you never knew you had. But it’s delectable, delicious, and in this moment in your dazed mind you know that he’s ruined you for anyone else.

His fingers brush hair away from your face. “You okay?”

You nod against his hand. “Feel so full.”

“Do you want me to come immediately?”

His deadpan makes you shakily laugh, now somehow understanding the full effect you have on him, how the mere taste of you made him finish and how he’s still rock hard after doing so, eagerly waiting for me, wanting more, needing more.

“Wanna make you feel good,” you mumble incoherently, drunk with pleasure.

But he understands you all the same. “You are. Doing such a great job taking all of me.”

You roll your hips experimentally once, twice, and he doesn’t stop you. Instead, Bucky spurs you on.

“Good girl, that’s it,” he coaxes gently, tone dreamy. “Take what you need.”

So you do.

Well, you try to. Your trembling thighs don’t do much to help you in your movements, but Bucky’s hands planted firmly on the backs of your thighs (practically your ass) aide your bounces, rocking you sensually over his length to take all of him, nearly pull out, just to have you sitting back down on him again, buried to the hilt. Your clit rubs against his pubic bone, nudging every time you sink into him completely. The feel of it makes you whine every time, and he swallows them up when he kisses you, or praises you against your lips.

You’re a pathetic mess, writhing on his lap and taking what you need while you feel him thrust up into you to bury himself that much more. The sensation of his cock reaching spots in your cunt that you’ve never explored before only furthers your arousal, makes you whine into his mouth and dig your fingers into his shoulders to indent crescent moons on his delicate skin.

It isn’t until after a minute or two of his, one of his hands leaves your ass to meet your front, his thumb finding your clit and pressing firm circles on it, making your back arch and your movements jerk, messy, sloppy, lazy, so fucking hot that his hips snap up to meet your discombobulated thrusts. The combination of his cock so fucking deep plus his thumb plus the sound of his breathy moans synonymous to yours makes your head spin, your legs tremble, your heart thump rapidly.

“This what you needed, hm?” Bucky’s voice is absolutely wrecked, a low growl that kickstarts that familiar coil in your lower belly. “Someone to fuck you nice?”

“Wh—Who said you f—fuck me nice?” Your question is humiliatingly answered when his thumb pressed harder onto your clit, eliciting a ragged moan from your pretty lips. “No one s—said that.”

The sound only makes Bucky scoff, or what appears to be one. “Me giving you your second orgasm says otherwise.”

God, how can you read you like a book in the dark? How does he know your body already? Has he felt that way your movements are getting quicker, sloppier, desperate? How your breath is shallow and whiny and wrecked? How the coil building in your gut is already hotter, more blinding, agonizingly more detrimental than the last one? How it’s practically making you see stars already when it hasn’t even climaxed?

“You—You’re not.”

“Oh?” Bucky removes his fingers from your clit and stops thrusting up into you, suddenly still as a statue as a protest immediately rips out of your throat. “I’m not?”

Your desperate is downright humiliating, gasping from being on the brink of an earth shattering orgasm. “Bucky, why’d— Don’t stop— Please— I need—“

“Need what, sweet girl?” Oh, you can hear his fucking grin in the darkness, enjoying this, relishing in your cries as you desperately paw at his shoulders to get him to continue. “I told you to take it, so take it.”

Tears brim your waterline at the denial, god, your orgasm is right there, it’s aching, white hot and searing and almost there, so closed just reachable, but you need his hands, his cock thrusting up into you, his mouth, you can’t do it on your own, your thighs are jelly and you’re hands are shaking.

A ragged breath leaves your mouth and it doesn’t even sound like you, so wrecked. “F—Fuck, baby, I need it, I’m close—“

“Thought you said I wasn’t giving you one?”

Your frustrated groan makes him chuckle meanly.

But he’s not done, cock achingly hard and probably close behind you anyway, so he gives in. Just slightly. With one small, minute, step to be done before he continues anything.

“Just say you need me, sweet girl.” His voice is laced with honey cadence.

You secede. Immediately. Writhing as your orgasm edges you, inhabiting your entire motor and speech functions.

“I need you.” You feel a tear roll down your cheek, desperately trying to find release. “I’m yours.”

That makes Bucky intake a sharp breath, but your request is granted as he thrusts up into you almost without meaning to, thumb clumsily finding your clit again in the dark. And it makes you realize that he’s just as fucking close to finishing as you are, especially with his whimper at your words which is a sound so beautiful it snaps the coil in your lower stomach.

“Fuck—“ Bucky’s voice is desperate. “How are you—? When I—? Holy— Such a— a sweet fuck— fucking—“

You come. Hard. Blinding. It washes over you with a wrecked moan and desperate bounces on his achingly hard cock, as Bucky meets your movements from underneath, rutting and thrusting up into you to chase his own release that comes immediately after, filling you up with hot spurts that make the most obscene noise, his release trickling down your thighs with the combination of yours making a downright filthy mess of sex.

You face buries in the crook of his neck, and you feel him bear-wrap his arms around you to thrust up into you, riding out both of your highs with wrecked moans and a squelching sound straight out of a pornographic film.

Bucky’s movements gradually slow, chests bumping together as you both heave from the intensity of it all, working down to you simply sitting in his lap, still buried to the hilt as the remnants of your shared orgasm dribble down your thighs and onto his, and you make the mistake of twitching (completely out of your control) that shifts your hips, and you let out a soft moan of overstimulation as he softens in you, thighs trembling and hands shaking against his shoulders.

His hands butterfly splay on your spine, tracing soothingly up and down the vertebrae as you catch your breath and blink back your vision. The whole thing is achingly sweet, patient, kind as he waits for you to regain your senses, still buried deep in his neck as you breathe intermittently ragged, wrecked, fucked out.

“You okay?” His voice is gravelly.

You mumble something incoherent, a testament that you hear him but don’t quite have your speech functions back completely yet.

Bucky makes a noise that’s a mix between a laugh and a sigh. “You did so well for me.”

You hum, eyes fluttering shut and your lashes butterfly kiss his soft skin.

“Thank you.”

Did he just—

Steadily, you manage to lift your head, inches from his face. “Did you—“ Your voice is hoarse. “Did you just thank me?”

“Mhm,” he murmurs, completely unashamed. “Had to.”

“For sleeping with you?”

“No. For letting me sleep with you.”

You try to laugh but instead it comes out as a noise of disbelief, skepticism. Because… no. There’s no way he actually— he hasn’t been plotting on you, right? No, there’s genuinely no way. You’ve been friends. Just friends. You’ve never thought about him with his shirt off or what he’s like with other girls or if he’s ever fucked against the wall or in the back of a car—

“Why’re you so surprised?” Bucky says gently, interrupting your thoughts (for the better).

Now you’re sort of regaining your brain as your dizziness fades, the post orgasmic clarity hitting more than ever at the sincerity of his words. He’s being completely serious, and you know that because you feel his fingers drumming on your spine, a nervous tick of his that you’ve seen him do before on countless occasions. It calms him for some reason, as some sort of coping mechanism to stay rooted to the moment.

But you are surprised. You’ve been friends for years, never crossed a boundary further than that and instead used your vernacular as your way of bonding with him. He’s teased, you’ve swore, he’s riled you up, you’ve shoved him, but you’ve always stayed friends, stepping up when it mattered most despite your on and off banter. It’s not— You’ve never considered yourself an actual player on his roster, a forethought, an option as something more than friends to him, because it’s never crossed that line, and frankly you never assumed you were his type. At all.

All this thinking and you realize he’s waiting for an answer.

“Uh,” you say immediately, unsure of where to start. “Well, I don’t know. We’re friends.”

“I’m literally inside you right now.”

You shove gently at his shoulder with what little strength you have. “Idiot. Not counting right now.”

Bucky hums, biding you to continue.

Thank god it’s dark because your face flushes at the sudden flip to something serious, something real and vulnerable that makes your heart lurch in a weird and discomforting way.

“I just—“ You find yourself saying. “I’m not your type.”

“What?” He asks incredulously. “Who told you that?”

You tilt your head to the side, confused. “Uh, every girl I’ve ever seen you with ever?”

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for you?”

You freeze. “Huh?”

His metal hand comes to cradle your face and it nearly makes you jolt from the sensation. “Why do you think I said your name on the phone, hm?”

Bucky leans forward and places a chaste kiss to your right cheek.

“Why do you think I crash girl’s night and come to your apartment unprompted?”

Your left cheek.

“How come I live to rile you up?”

Your lips. You find yourself chasing him when he pulls away.

His voice is saccharine, yet laced with a twang of disbelief that he actually had to be explaining this to you right now. The feeling of his lips makes you dizzy all over again, but also from the meaning behind his words. All this time… All those nights spent bickering and bantering and cursing his name in your sleep, he’s been… into you? Wanting you? Yet waiting patiently for you to eventually come to him?

Your heart is thumping, can he hear it?

“Uh—“ Your voice is coarse. “Wh— You’re into me?”

“Took you long enough.”

Your head is spinning. “Like, as of recent?”

Bucky snorts. “As of a year ago, more like.”

“You—“ You’re trying to wrap your head around this. “Okay. A year— Okay.”

“Take your time.”

“No, yeah.” You clear your throat. “Totally. Thanks.”

Bucky’s other hand soothingly rubs up and down your back. “Want me to make you a cup of tea while we wait?” His voice is teasing, yet full of admiration as if he’s finding the whole encounter perfectly comical.

“Funny,” you deadpan. “I think you’re wasting your potential by not pursuing stand up comedy.”

His lips find the corner of your mouth, pressing gingerly. “Such a sweet girl.” Another kiss. “Always looking out for my best interests,” he mumbles against your lips.

All this time, all this talk, all come to realize you’re still inside him.

It makes your heart flutter. “Uh—“ Suddenly you’re fumbling, losing that sliver of control that you barely had in the first place as you feel his cock inside you still. He peppers you with kisses, your lips, jaw, cheek, nose, an utter display of intimate affection that makes your chest constrict with something unfamiliar. It’s a phantom ache in your heart, longing for something you can’t quite pinpoint. You’ve never…been treated like this. So delicately and full of appreciation. Adored, even. Who knew that the person to do so would be Bucky Barnes.

Said-guy who is making you feel something unexplainable.

At your silence, he hums. “I know it’s a lot. I’m a lot. But I’m yours. Whenever you want me, I’ll be here.”

Your heart skips. “I think I…”

The words escape you.

Bucky presses a chaste kiss on the corner of your mouth. “You think what, sweet girl?”

“You’re really gonna make me say it?”

“Obviously.”

You groan, but there’s no backbone behind it, no real malice, no irritation that you normally have with his incessant wit. Instead it’s one of admiration, eased affection and something so unfamiliar it makes your heart flutter with uncertainty. But you’re here. With him. And somehow you’ve never felt more reassured.

“I think I’ve been yours,” you say with no shroud of dignity left. “Even though I want to kill you half the time.”

Bucky gingerly hums, so content as his nose nudges your jaw. “I’ll take it.”

It isn’t much later when he eases you up off his lap, slipping his arms around you to guide you towards the en suite bathroom. You mewl quietly from the loss of his stretch, ignoring the cool fluid burning between your thighs as you blink blearily at the light, no doubt looking like a hot wet disaster. You use the restroom and let him wash the sweat off your face, also cleaning up the mess between your thighs with a warm soapy rag. Yeah, he snorts at your wobbly legs as if you’re a baby fawn learning to walk, but holds you steady nonetheless and kisses the crown of your head all in the same breath. He coos and calls you baby when you swipe the hair away from his eyes, and dresses you in one of his overtly big t-shirts with something ridiculous on the front as he slips on a pair of boxers.

Bucky guides you back towards the bed after exiting the bathroom, laying you down gently so your back splays delicately on the mattress. He kisses you once, lingering a little longer than he should before pulling back, sliding in next to you and pulling you taut to his chest.

You murmur something incoherent, completely bliss in the warmth of his arms and surrounded in his scent. Territorial. Possessive. Practically claimed by him. Not that you’re complaining. At all.

“Easy,” Bucky hums, tucking his chin at the crown of your head. “Sleep.”

“‘M not tired.” Your eyes are shut and your fingers twitch, moments from sleep.

His hands splay against your back under his shirt. “Sure.”

Your nose nudges his vocal cord. “I think you’re just keen to praying on my downfall,” you say laced with sleep.

“Try reciting the alphabet backwards and maybe I’ll believe you.”

“Shut up,” you mumble, words blending together in exhaustion. “You love me.”

A pause.

Then, quietly. “Yeah.” His voice is certain. “I probably do.”

You’re asleep moments after that, lulled by the deep baritone of his voice and the steady syncopated thumping of his heart. But also from the sincerity of his voice, anchoring you in ways you can’t explain nor want to try to understand. Sure, he’s a royal pain in your ass more than ninety percent of the time he’s in your presence. But he’s real. Genuine. Ready to be the man everyone thinks he isn’t.

And he’s solid, broad against you and holding you with the notion that you’ll float away if he lets go. The sound of your soft snores make him follow suite, calmed in more ways than he can ever imagine, finally able to breathe with a clarity he hasn’t felt in a really long time.

And when you leave the next morning, opting to leave the boating adventures behind the two of you and instead choosing to go home to his real family, his mother protests. His father says nothing. His cousins beg him to stay so they can wake board and drink in the sunshine. Sure he’s inclined to say yes solely to see you in a bathing suit, but he doesn’t have anything to prove anymore, not to these people.

Especially Izzy, when she inserts herself as part of the departing committee and giving you a hug that’s nothing genuine, solely for show in front of everyone else.

“You can’t leave!” She protests innocently, green eyes deceiving everyone as they surround the trunk of Bucky’s car as you throw your bags in the backseat. “Winnie and I wanted your opinion on the foyer decor.”

“Right, honey,” Winnie chimes in, grabbing your hand delicately as Bucky shuts the door, solidifying your decision to leave. “We’re going for a rustic ocean entourage. Silvers, navy, whites, darks. We’d love your input.”

"Well, I think navy and black go pretty well together," you say before you can stop yourself.

Bucky fails to suppress a snort. Izzy's head whips towards you, as the whole ordeal goes over Winnie’s head. Green eyes immediately narrow at you, her pretty tanned skin burning at the memory of her worst decision all those years ago, the whole reason she left him in the first place. But you hold your ground, sending her a sweet smile as you curl a hand over Bucky’s bicep, a wordless claim and reminder of what she lost. Who she lost.

And you leave just like that, with his family gathering dust in the rear view mirror as he drives away. With his hand settled on your bare thigh and the soft music gently caressing your ears, you realize he doesn’t look back. Only onward.

© salem-s please do not copy or replicate work unless given permission.

notes holy fucking god. this was too long. im unplugging for the unforseeable future. happy kinktober????? sort of????

[aquaticmercy]

Elevator, Baby!

Summary : The team thinks Bucky has a crush on the tower’s interior designer. They don’t know that they’re already married.

Pairing : New Avenger!Bucky Barnes x Interior designer!reader (she/her) 

Warnings/tags : Thunderbolts* spoilers!!!!!!! Secret wife trope. Tower fic! Secret-ish baby. Cursing, not-too-detailed descriptions of sex, pregnancy, (Please let me know if I miss anything!!!)

Word count : 6.7k 

Requested by : two anons! Based on this and this.

Note : I combined two requests, I hope that’s alright, anons! Enjoy!

Bucky only stayed at The Watchtower three days a week.

Officially, those days were for debriefings, strategy syncs, mission prep, and what Alexei affectionately called team bonding.

The rest of the week, he goes off-grid and minimal contact, calling it rest and recuperation. 

He spent those days outside the city, tucked away in a modest, two-story house in the suburbs. 

The walls were painted in earthy tones. The porch creaked when it rained. The neighbours didn’t ask questions. But most importantly, it was where you, the love of his life, resided full time. 

It was home.

Bucky had closed on the house exactly nine months and fourteen days ago. A week later, he’d married you under a willow tree in the backyard with no fanfare, only Sam, Joaquin, and Isaiah Bradley as guests, and a ring you both picked out from a vintage shop in Brooklyn. Sam had joked that it must have been the best day of his overextended, complicated life.

He was right. 

Still, not a single member of his newly assembled team had a clue.

They knew Bucky Barnes, the leader of the New Avengers, war-hardened and famously chronically single. They knew the efficient, don’t-ask-me-about-my-weekends version of him. They did not know that the same man kissed his wife’s temple every morning before she left for work, took out the trash without being asked, and spent his evenings slow dancing with you in the kitchen to whatever jazz record was spinning on the old turntable.

That part of him was private.

He didn’t keep you a secret out of shame — Bucky showed how much he loved you in the ways that mattered. But with many of his old enemies still out there, keeping you out of the spotlight was non-negotiable. 

It was especially necessary now that the New Avengers were under public scrutiny, the media hounding them with every move, and Val running ops like a government-sponsored reality show.

But, of course, what he least expected happened.

When Val asked Mel to source a top-tier interior designer for the Watchtower’s massive renovation, Bucky didn’t say anything.

He didn’t pull any strings. He didn’t say a word.

But of course, Mel found your firm. It was one of the best in town, after all.

Of course, all he could do was stare blankly when Mel casually dropped your name in a team meeting two weeks later. You, who’d been growing your design firm from the ground up, known for clean lines and warm spaces and zero tolerance for pretentious decor.

And when you told Bucky that you’d accepted the Watchtower job, he’d smiled weakly and said, “We’ll figure it out.”

Which led to this moment.

—

Your first day on the job was a Monday morning. 

You stepped into the lobby of the newly renamed Watchtower, hard hat hooked on your hip, leather-bound notebook under one arm, and your chewed up pencil behind your ear.

You, as planned, acted completely unfamiliar with the man you’d kissed goodbye at 7 a.m. over toast.

You approached the cluster of Avengers who’d been haphazardly gathered for your arrival — Ava, John, Yelena, Bob, Alexei, and Bucky. Your husband leaned against a column, arms folded, feigning indifference while silently praying his face didn’t give away his precious little secret.

But then your eyes met.

For one fleeting moment, your smile brightened. But you covered it up and offered him a hand like you hadn’t fallen asleep his bare chest fourteen  hours ago, and said, “Nice to meet you. I’m your interior designer.”

Bucky took your hand.

The handshake lasted two seconds too long.

“James Barnes,” he said. “Pleasure.”

Ava raised an eyebrow.

You let go of his hand, nodded politely, and turned to the others to introduce yourself. 

Your voice was steady, your posture perfect, but Bucky noticed the way you tapped your thumb against the spine of your notebook — the tiniest nervous habit. He kissed that hand every night.

When you walked off to start your tour, Ava elbowed Bucky in the ribs.

“She is too pretty. If you don’t ask her out, I will.”

“M’ not into her,” Bucky said. It was the worst lie he’d told in years.

“C’mon man,” John chuckled. “That looked like love at first right.”

Bucky just shrugged and turned away, pretending to be interested in a support beam.

—

Six Weeks Later

You were everywhere.

Literally everywhere inside the Watchtower. 

You were in hallways, stairwells, and repurposed labs. You were under floorboards to check for old wiring. You were balancing precariously on scaffolding with paint samples in one hand and a clipboard in the other. You had a team, sure, but you were the kind of interior designer who believed that breathing the same dust as your contractors was the only way to truly understand your art.

Within a month, you turned a gutted superhero facility into your battlefield.

And you made it look good.

You had turned bare concrete into well thought out sketches, made a temporary lounge out of broken furniture and vintage rugs, and wrestled the tower’s unmaintained lighting grid into semi-functional compliance. You worked long hours. You cursed openly at bad insulation. You drank your coffee black and your water in gallons, and somewhere along the way, the tower became a passion project, your baby. 

And the New Avengers grew fond of you. 

They tried to be subtle about it, watching you from doorways or pausing in their sparring sessions whenever you passed through to say hi. 

You’d wave a friendly hi back, before going back to being all-business.

At this point, you and Bucky had practiced your we-just-met act to an Oscar-worthy level. You faked polite smiles, formal greetings, and total lack of familiarity, even when you showered together the night before. 

But sometimes, it slipped through the cracks. 

You can help but steal glances at each other — each one lasting just a little too long. His hand would find your lower back when he leaned over your desk to study a blueprint, fingertips brushing that sensitive spot just beneath your shirt hem. Your voice dropped half an octave whenever you addressed him in front of others, slipping in sergeant under your breath like it wasn’t a private reference from your bedroom.

Sometimes, you’d pass him in the hallway and murmur things quiet enough only he could hear. A reminder of what you’d do to him the moment he got home. Or what he’d done to you the last time he snuck back to the house for the night. You’d say it just loud enough to leave him frozen in place for a second — then he’d look like he needed to punch a wall or take a very cold shower to stay professional.

You made it impossible to concentrate.

So Bucky, for all his practiced stoicism and control, was coming undone.

Which was probably why the team started to notice.

Or, more accurately, why John Walker lost his goddamn mind one Tuesday afternoon.

The makeshift common room — still mid-renovation — was still half-furnished, but they made it work. Yelena was scrolling through her phone while Bob napped on a deflated air mattress. Ava cleaned her knives at the dining table that had mismatched chairs. Alexei was rearranging the fridge after someone messed up his system.

Bucky stood near the large window, arms folded, pretending to be interested in the HVAC schematics you were showing to one of your contractors across the room.

You laughed at something the guy said, and Bucky’s eyes twitched in jealousy. 

That was all it took.

John groaned loud enough to echo off the half-installed acoustic panels. Then, on his last straw, he flopped onto the couch dramatically.

“If you like her, Barnes, just ask her out already. Jesus,” John said, dragging a hand down his face. “You’ve been eye-fucking her across the hall for a month.”

Bucky just raised an eyebrow, unimpressed.

“She’s out of my league,” he said coolly. It was a textbook deflection. “Besides, she’s not even my type.”

Yelena immediately snorted. “Liar.”

Ava didn’t look up from her knives. “Liar.”

Even Bob, barely conscious, mumbled. “Liarrrr.”

Alexei only chuckled.

“What is wrong with you?!” John sat up, “You’re literally, like—what? A hundred and ten years old? You can’t still be doing the whole ‘girls don’t like me’ routine.”

Bucky gave a half-shrug, still not looking away from where you were, now climbing a ladder with a pencil behind your ear.

“She’s here to work,” he said. “I respect that.”

“Ah,” Alexei scoffed. “Is that why you follow her around like Roomba?”

Bucky had no answer to that.

—

One Afternoon

Today had been a long day

It was dusty. It was loud. Contractors bickered, blueprints got smudged, and Bucky had looked unreasonably good doing absolutely nothing — just standing around in that damn new uniform with the red star on his right arm.

You hadn’t had more than a couple hours alone where you weren’t sleeping or eating— not at home, and especially not in the Tower, when at least one other team member would be hovering like a nosy, overgrown child.

So when you saw Bucky slipping into the elevator alone, you called out for him.

“Mr. Barnes,” you half-shouted to get his attention, jogging across the hall. “Hold the door.”

He pressed the button with his metal hand, glancing up with a fond smile. “Didn’t know we were doing last names now,” he said, just above a whisper.

“Would you rather I call you Sergeant?” you replied quietly as you slipped inside, brushing past him just enough to make it intentional.

The doors slid shut.

And then, just as the elevator began its slow descent, you heard a mechanical in the belly of the Watchtower. The lights above flickered once—then again—before cutting out entirely.

A single red emergency light buzzed to life.

You stumbled slightly, grabbing onto Bucky’s arm instinctively. 

“What was that?” you asked.

“Power’s off,” he confirmed, chuckling when you jumped, kissing your temple to let you know that it was going to be okay, that the elevator was ventilated well enough for you to survive a long time in there. 

You slapped the emergency call button, and…. Nothing. Not even a buzz.

You blinked up at the ceiling like divine intervention might come through the grates. 

“Bucky,” you pouted, clutching his arm a little tighter, “do something.”

“I am doing something,” he said as he crouched down and nudged at the panel, making no real effort. “It's just not working.”

“Well, pry the door open or—use your metal arm or something!”

He shot you a dry look over his shoulder. “Can’t. This thing was built to withstand the hulk.”

You watched him stand and lean back against the wall like he was settling in. Like… he didn’t mind this.

“You have got to be kidding me,” you sighed, “I’ve got to meet the people installing wallpaper in ten minutes.”

Bucky folded his arms across his broad chest, his eyes maddeningly calm. “Could be worse,” he offered with a shrug.

“Bucky,” you warned, eyes narrowing.

“What?” he replied, too innocently, too calmly.

“We’re technically both on the clock,” you reminded him.

He shrugged. “We’re also stuck. Sounds like PTO to me.”

You rolled your eyes, but can’t help the smile on the corners of your mouth. “You’re impossible.”

That crooked grin formed on his face. “You’re tellin’ me you haven’t missed me, doll?”

“Don’t,” you said, pointing a finger to his chest.

“Don’t what?”

“That voice. That look. You're gonna  get us in trouble.”

He pushed off the wall and stepped closer. He was not touching you, but he was near enough that your heart began its traitorous dance, even after all this time. “We’ve barely touched each other. Last time was what— four days ago?”

“Four days is not that long,” you said.

He leaned in, lips brushing the shell of your ear. “It used to be four hours.”

You swallowed hard, but he was not done yet. 

“Used to be I couldn’t walk past you in our house without stopping to touch you.”

You looked away, heat creeping up your neck.

“Used to be I’d wake up with your thighs already wrapped around my face,” his voice dropped an octave lower, “And now I’m lucky if I get a quick kiss before you run off to yell at plumbers.”

“I did give you a kiss this morning,” you looked up at him.

“Not the kind I meant,” he said, eyes glued to your mouth, then back to your eyes.

You choked on a laugh, shoving at his chest weakly. “That’s very inappropriate, Mr. Barnes.”

“I’m your husband.” He bit your earlobe gently. “And I’m tired of pretending we don’t wake up in the same bed.”

“We’ve got… responsibilities.” Your fingers were already in his hair. “People are counting on us.”

“Let them wait,” he muttered, kissing you slow and deep now, mouth moving with that sinful confidence that made your knees buckle. “You’ve been killing me all week, walking around this place like you don’t belong to me.”

“I am yours,” you whispered against his lips, heat coiling in your belly. “But the cameras—”

“Power’s off.” He reminded, hand sliding up your thigh, curling behind your knee and hiking your leg around his hip. “You need this. I know you do.”

“You’re cocky.”

“I’m right,” he said, kissing you again. This time you kissed him back harder.

Your body gave in before your words did. It always did with him.

And as his fingers slipped past the lace of your underwear and his mouth returned to your neck, you forgot entirely about the elevator, the job, the rules.

You weren’t the Watchtower’s interior designer anymore.

You were just his wife.

And he was very, very good at reminding you why.

Neither of you noticed the faint red light in the ceiling blink back to life. Didn’t notice the tiny lens in the far corner of the elevator was still functional. 

You had no idea Yelena had rigged a backup battery into the surveillance system.

And you definitely didn’t know the power outage wasn’t an accident.

It was a setup.

—

Later that afternoon 

The new Avengers gathered in the security room like kids about to witness an R-rated movie.

And in a way… they were.

Yelena had the footage queued up. She sat with arms folded, boots propped up on the console, a smug grin across her face.

This was her idea, after all— playing matchmaker as a favour to Bucky. 

“It’s visual-only,” she said, almost too casually. “No audio. You know—normal CCTV stuff. But we don’t need sound to read body language.”

She hit play.

The plan was simple: trap Bucky Barnes and that absurdly hot interior designer in the Watchtower elevator to see if he finally made a move.

“Ten bucks says he doesn’t even talk to her,” Ava declared, leaning against the wall.

“I say he kisses her,” Bob offered gently, still half-asleep in sweatpants, rubbing his eyes. “Just a little one. He’s always so tense, it would be nice to see him… be sweet.”

John had brought popcorn like it was a movie premiere. “I want to believe he asked her out,” he said. 

“Today is the day,” Alexei nodded in agreement, “ I can feel it.”

The screen flickered to life.

Bucky stepped into the elevator first, holding the door for you. 

The doors closed.

Nothing out of the ordinary at first. It looked like normal conversation.

Then the elevator stopped.

You pressed the emergency call button. Nothing. 

Bucky tried the panel, giving up too quickly.

Yelena’s grin widened. “Showtime.”

And then, Bucky stepped closer, whispering something into your ears.

“Classic,” John said, leaning in. “Here we go. Here comes the kiss on the cheek.”

The kiss landed on your lips instead.

It was not a peck. To everyone’s surprise, it was hungry.

The room went deathly silent.

Ava’s arms slowly uncrossed. “Okay….”

Bob’s mouth parted. “Oh…”

Then— then came the second kiss.

It was longer. 

Your hands in his hair. His metal arm was up… your skirt? 

Your back hit the elevator wall.

John sat forward slowly. “Wait… wait.”

Then, you climbed him.

It got very explicit very quickly.

John’s popcorn slid from his lap, forgotten.

Alexei was blinking like he’d witnessed a cult ritual.

Ava whispered, “Jesus Christ.”

Bob clutched the arms of his chair. “That’s— that’s not him asking her out on a date.”

“Is the—” Alexei squinted, his voice dry, “—is the camera shaking?”

“No,” Ava said hoarsely. “That’s the elevator shaking.”

“Fuck,” John gasped. “We should— we should stop.”

Yelena stared at the screen, frozen. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Alexei held up a trembling finger. “He has not taken her to dinner. There was no courtship. There was no honour.”

Ava turned away from the monitor. “Turn it off. Turn it off!”

Yelena did.

The room plunged into an eerie silence.

Bob was still cross-legged on the floor. “I… I think there was a round two. Like… halfway through. I think I counted it. Different positions. Less vertical.”

They were all pale now.

Yelena stood up like she’d survived a car crash. “We are never speaking of this.”

“Delete the footage,” Ava added. “Burn it. Hack the cloud. Scrub the backups.”

“Gone,” Yelena said grimly. “It’s already gone.”

Alexei placed his mug down. “He has not even taken her out on date yet,” he repeated, horrified.

John slumped back into his chair, stunned “I’ll never look at elevators the same way.”

No one—not one of them—suspected marriage. No one suspected long-time commitment.

Not even a little.

They thought they’d witnessed a slip. A one-time break in Barnes’ solitude, a rare show of his desire.

They had no idea he fucked you like that at home every other day.

They just thought Bucky Barnes had the most soul-shattering game any man had ever possessed.

And not a single one of them ever got in that elevator without wincing ever again.

—

Six Weeks Later

It started out like any other off-day in the suburbs.

The early morning was quiet, with pale light spilling across the hardwood floors, the distant hum of a lawn mower down the street, and the smell of Bucky’s burnt-but-endearing attempt at breakfast wafting in from the kitchen. 

It was supposed to be peaceful.

But you were in the bathroom, staring at the positive pregnancy test with your hands trembling and your heart threatening to beat out of your chest.

Pregnant.

Three times, all different brands.

It wasn’t planned, not really. You have been talking about it, and even said you’d give it a go by the end of the year. 

Hell, you were on even the pill. But the last couple months had been a blur— long hours at the tower and stress-induced forgetfulness. 

Somewhere in the chaos of overtime and rushing out the door with a protein bar instead of breakfast, you must’ve slipped up. Maybe once. Maybe twice. Maybe that was enough.

You barely heard your own footsteps as you tiptoed down the hallway in a fog, still holding one of the tests like it might disappear if you blinked. Bucky was at the kitchen counter, humming under his breath, shirtless in his gray sweatpants, a bowl of strawberries in front of him with his dog tags reflecting in the morning sun.

He turned when he heard you come in, and his smile immediately faltered.

He could tell by the look on your face that something was… off.

“Sweetheart?” His brow furrowed as he stepped toward you, eyes looking over as if scanning for wounds. “Are you okay?”

You tried to say something, but nothing came out. You just looked at him with wide eyes, parted lips, and the test clenched tightly in your hand. 

His hands gently closed around your arms.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he said, his voice a little rough. “Breathe, doll. Tell me what’s going on. Did something happen?”

You shook your head, lip trembling. “No. Nothing like that. I just… I…”

He ducked his head, trying to catch your eyes. “Look at me,” he said, less demanding but more gentle. “It’s okay. Whatever it is, we can fix it. Just tell me.”

Your breath hitched. You looked down, uncurled your fingers, and held out the test.

Bucky looked at it.

Then up at you.

“…What is this?” he asked, almost cautiously. Like he needed confirmation.

You opened your mouth, but your voice cracked before it even came out. “I think I’m pregnant.”

He blinked twice. “You’re—”

You nodded, tears welling in your eyes. “I—I know. I was on the pill. I swear I was. But with everything going on at the tower and those back-to-back all-nighters and fuck, James, I must’ve messed up, I must’ve missed one or two—”

“Wait. Wait—wait,” he said suddenly. He stepped back just enough to look at you fully, like he needed the whole picture to understand. “You’re serious?”

You nodded again. “I wouldn’t—I wouldn’t joke about this.”

He was completely still, like the words were sinking into him bit by bit.

And then, to your surprise, he let out a shaky breath, laughed a little, and ran a hand through his hair.

“Jesus Christ,” he whispered. “You’re pregnant.”

You looked at him nervously, heart pounding. “I—I mean, it’s early. Like really early. Just a few weeks, I think. We don’t have to freak out. We can talk about it. Think about it. We can—”

But he cut you off, stepping forward again and cupping your face in both hands, his thumbs brushing away the tears on your cheeks. His eyes were glistening.

“Hey,” he said gently. “I’m not freaking out. I’m not freaking out. I’m just—holy shit, baby. I— you’re growing a little version of us in there. We’re doing this... if you… if you want this, too.”

You let out a breath you hadn’t realised you were holding, your arms wrapping around him instinctively.

“We’re doing this,” you whispered back, like saying it out loud made it more real. “I… I do want this.”

He kissed the top of your head, your temple, your cheek. “We were headed here anyway. Maybe I didn’t know it’d happen now, but…” He leaned back to look at you, eyes full of wonder. “I love you so much.”

You sniffled, laughing through it. “I was so scared.”

“You don’t have to be,” he said, “Never with me.”

There was a long moment where the two of you just held each other, breathing in the warmth of the moment. When…

“So, uh. What do we tell the team?”

You chuckled. “About what? The baby or the fact that we’re married?”

He winced. “Shit.”

“Yeah.”

Bucky wanted to share his joy, he really did. 

But he still had enemies. The kind who would use anything, anyone, to get to him.

And he would rather die than see your name — and his baby’s— end up on one of their lists.

“You still want to keep it quiet?” you asked quietly.

He didn’t answer right away. He looked at your stomach, his teeth clenching. 

“I don’t want anyone knowing if it puts you in danger,” he said finally. “I don’t care what they think of me. I just want you safe. Our family safe.”

You nodded. “Okay. So... in two or three months— the tower renovations’ll be done by then. I can just wear baggy clothes.”

He gave you a wary look. “You already wear baggy clothes.”

You shrugged. “I’ll wear bigger ones.”

Surely, this was a foolproof plan, right? 

—

It was successful for all of two weeks. You played your part, showed up to the tower, exchanged the usual small talk with the team, and pretended everything was normal, all while avoiding harmful construction materials and focusing on furnishing.

Then one morning, you looked pale coming out of the toilet, wiping acid from the corner of your mouth with tissue. Bob looked over, eyebrows raised in concern. You waved him off with a smile. 

“Fuck morning sickness,” you muttered, more to yourself than to him.

And that was it. You didn’t even think twice. You were too focused on the nausea, the spinning room, the unpleasant taste in your mouth. You didn’t realise you’d said it.

Bob didn’t clock it right away either. You’d already left the room by the time the words caught up with him. He was halfway through his coffee, reading a book, when—

He froze. His eyes widened.

“Wait…”

Morning sickness?

—

Bob didn’t say anything right away.

He sat there for a moment, staring at the spot where you’d stood. 

Morning sickness, his brain repeated again, louder now.

He stood up so fast his chair rolled back and hit the wall.

Fifteen minutes later, there was a closed-door meeting in Conference Room 7.

Ava, Yelena, Alexei, and John filed in, curious and worried—it wasn’t often that Bob called a we-need-to-talk-right-now meeting that didn’t involve a breach or a fire drill.

Bob stood at the head of the table, arms crossed, unreadable.

“She’s pregnant,” he said flatly.

Everyone blinked.

“…Who?” Ava asked, tilting her head.

Bob stared at her. “Bucky’s little elevator secret.”

Yelena raised an eyebrow. “How… How do you know?”

“She….” Bob started. “She said something about morning sickness.”

There was a beat of silence.

“Oh,” said Alexei, thoughtfully.

“...Oh,” Ava echoed.

Yelena’s eyes widened. “OH?”

John straightened up in his chair. “Hold on. Do you think—” He looked around the room, dropping his voice to a whisper, “—do you think Bucky could be the dad?”

They all looked at each other. The memory hit them at once like a suppressed group hallucination.

No one’s talked about it since. 

Not out of respect, but out of sheer trauma suppression and the fact that, frankly, they weren’t paid enough to bring it up.

“I mean,” Ava said slowly, “Did anyone see him with a condom?”

“Not that I can remember,” Yelena shuddered, brow furrowed. “But I wasn’t exactly memorising it.”

“Elevator baby,” Alexei whispered, stunned.

Bob just nodded grimly.

Then John, who’d been thinking too hard, looked up. “Do you think Bucky knows?”

The room went completely silent.

Ava blinked. “Shit.”

Yelena exhaled through her nose. “He’s either going to marry her in a panic or pass out.”

John rubbed his temples. “Do we… do we tell him?”

Bob looked down nervously. “Better question—who’s going to tell him?”

Everyone looked at each other.

No one volunteered.

So they did it together.

—

They confronted Bucky two hours later. In the gym, of all places.

He was mid-rep when they approached—shirt damp with sweat, and music blaring in his ears. His brows furrowed in concentration as he finished his set and racked the barbell with a clang.

That’s when he noticed them.

Five fully-grown adults in a semicircle, watching him. Staring, like it was going to be a goddamn intervention.

He tilted his head. “...who did you kill and where did you bury the body?”

Bob cleared his throat, stepping forward like a nervous HR rep. “Umm, that’s not why we’re here.”

Bucky pulled out one earbud. “Then what’s going on?”

“We need to talk.”

That phrase never meant anything good, and they all knew it. Ava shifted her weight from foot to foot like she had somewhere more pleasant to be (a landmine field, perhaps). John had his arms crossed and was chewing the inside of his cheek. Alexei was trying to look fatherly and failing spectacularly. And Yelena—oh, Yelena—was vibrating with the kind of energy that suggested she either had bad news or gossip so juicy it came with a side of fries.

Bucky glanced at them, suspicious. “Okay… what is this? Am I getting voted off the team?”

Yelena stepped forward, and just… spat it out. “She’s pregnant.”

That landed like a punch to the solar plexus. His brain buffered.

Oh shit. Oh shit. 

They knew. They’d figured it out.

How?

He licked his lips, then attempted to play dumb. “….Who?”

Ava folded her arms. “We have a feeling,” she started, unimpressed, “you might be able to figure it out. Considering you had some… fun… in the elevator a couple months ago.”

Bucky’s eyes twitched.” I—what? You’re saying—how do you even know about that?” 

Yelena raised a hand, almost sheepishly. “We, uh… we might’ve set up the elevator failure.”

John immediately smacked the back of her shoulder. “You. Not we. That was your idea.”

“I said might’ve!” she hissed.

“What we’re saying,” Alexei interjected, rubbing a hand down his face like a weary dad at a PTA meeting, “is that there is chance you are going to be dad.”

Bucky tried to laugh. It came out like a goose being strangled. “I’m not ready to move on from the elevator camera. That’s a massive violation of privacy. I—what kind of sick—”

“You did it in public,” Ava interrupted coldly.

“And you’re not denying it,” Bob added.

“I’m just saying,” Bucky snapped, pointing wildly, “you kept it? You still have the tape? Can I see it?”

Everyone groaned in unison.

John pinched the bridge of his nose. “You might have gotten a hook up pregnant, and the first thing you care about is your sex tape? Seriously?”

Bucky didn’t respond, which said a lot.

Bob said plainly, “But we’re pretty sure you didn’t use protection.”

“She was on the pill!” Bucky snapped.

“You still don’t do hookups bare, Bucky!” Ava exclaimed, voice rising.

“She hadn’t had sex with anyone else in years!”

“Anyone… else?” John asked, skeptical.

Bucky opened his mouth.

Closed it.

Opened it again.

And shut up.

Bucky groaned, dragging his hands down his face like he was trying to scrape the stress off his skin.

Then, finally, with a voice so quiet it barely made it through the hum of fluorescent lights, he finally said, “She’s…my wife.”

A beat passed with silence.

Then Ava shrieked, “I’m sorry—WHAT?!”

“When?!” John thundered.

“About a year ago,” Bucky admitted. “We kept it a secret. It wasn’t safe for her. I didn’t want anyone coming after her because of me.”

Alexei frowned, tone softer now. “And now…”

“Now she’s having my baby,” Bucky said. His throat bobbed as he swallowed. “And I don’t know how to protect her from this. From all of this.”

“Fuck,” John let out a low whistle. “Is it… is it the elevator baby?”

“We did the math,” Bucky turned beet red, “there is a… pretty good chance that’s the case.” 

“Elevator baby,” Yelena echoed, eyes wide. 

She sounded almost proud.

Bucky looked at each of them— serious now. “You can’t tell anyone,” he warned, “She’s… she’s everything to me. If this gets out—if she’s hurt, if someone uses her to get to me—I wouldn’t— couldn’t— live with myself.”

And just like that, gone was the teasing.

They stood there, in a loose circle around him, the lights humming overhead, the scent of sweat in the air. A line crossed, and secrets spilled open. This was a line where their friendship was tested—and affirmed.

John, finally, clapped Bucky on the shoulder. “Congrats, man. You’re gonna be a dad.”

“Elevator dad,” Yelena added.

“Don’t,” Bucky warned, but he was smiling, just a little.

—

The shift was subtle at first.

Alexei started carrying things for you.

You’d walk into a room with a stack of sample boards or fabric swatches for a renovation pitch, and before you could even blink, he’d be at your side, snatching half of them away and saying, “You should not be lifting this.”

You tilted your head the first time. “I… I’m okay, Alexei.”

He just stared back, deadpan. “Does not mean you should.” And then walked away before you could argue.

Then there was Ava, who started checking the air quality constantly.

“Gotta keep the air pure,” she’d say, making sure your workstation was well-ventilated from paint fumes. 

You started to get suspicious after the third can of air purifier she smuggled into the conference room.

And then came John, who strolled past your desk one morning with a coffee in one hand and a brochure in the other. He stopped like he just happened to remember something.

“Oh hey,” he said, waving the paper around. “That new baby store down the street? Massive sale. Car seats, little shoes, those bib things shaped like bandanas? You know, the cool ones. Just… figured I’d pass it along. Y’know. In case… anyone.”

You squinted. “Anyone?”

He coughed. “Just in case anyone… likes sales.”

Right.

It wasn’t until Yelena hugged you, that the alarm bells started getting harder to ignore.

She pulled away, uncharacteristically gentle, and said, “You’re good at taking care of things.”

“…Okay,” you said cautiously, “Are you dying?”

She just blinked. “No. I just think you are doing great.” She paused. “And you should not wear heels. They’re bad for your ankles.”

That was it.

You came home that night, dumped your bag by the door, and found Bucky on the couch eating mac and cheese he probably stole from the tower. 

He looked up, beaming. “Hey, doll. You okay?”

You squinted at him. “Do you know something I don’t?”

He tilted his head. “About what?”

You flopped next to him, sighing. “Yelena hugged me today.”

His eyes widened. “…Oh.”

“And told me I’m good at taking care of things.”

He was dead silent.

“John is talking about baby boutiques to me. Ava keeps purifying the air. And I’m pretty sure Bob gave me vitamin water.”

Bucky looked down.

You gave him a pointed look. “So, I’m just gonna ask: Did you tell them?”

He winced. His whole face did the oh-no-don’t-be-mad-at-me scrunch.

“Umm…” he said.

“Oh my god.”

“I—I didn’t tell them, technically,” he started, clearly floundering. “They figured it out! Bob overheard something, and then there was a meeting, and I got cornered at the gym and they were all standing in a circle like some kind of intervention and they were like ‘we know,’ and I panicked and I didn’t want to lie and—”

“Bucky.”

He stopped, biting his lip.

“I’m not mad,” you said, cutting him off before the ramble could spiral into an apology monologue. “I’m… relieved.”

His brow furrowed. “You are?”

You nodded. “Do you know how exhausting it is trying to hide a whole human and pretend I’m not in love with you?”

“I just wanted you to be safe.” He looked down, a little guilty. “I thought if they didn’t know, there’d be less risk.”

“I know,” you murmured, reaching over to take his hand. “But honey…  they’re not strangers. They’re your people. Our people, now.”

He smiled, fingers threading through yours. “Yelena did threaten to murder anyone who so much as looked at you wrong.”

“See?” You leaned in, kissing his cheek. “That’s the kind of prenatal care I’m talking about.”

He chuckled, pulling you close, one hand resting gently against your stomach. “We’ll still keep it quiet outside the tower. For safety.”

“Of course,” you said. “But at least I don’t have to hide there.”

Then Bucky said, “Also… Bob wants to throw you a secret baby shower. In the hangar. With… themed cupcakes.”

—

Eight Months Later

Jamie was six weeks old the first time you brought him to the Watchtower.

He was bundled up in a little blue onesie with a cartoon white wolf on the chest, swaddled like a burrito in a cotton blanket, and blissfully asleep in your arms.

The 87th floor had been converted for the three of you— a secure residential wing with baby gates and blackout curtains and a surprisingly tasteful wallpaper Bucky picked himself. You were here to check it out, and also introduce your baby to the team.

Most days, you would stay at the house in the suburbs, where birds chirped and neighbors waved and no one could hear Bucky singing lullabies off-key at 2 a.m. But it was nice to know you had a home in the Watchtower.

You barely stepped in the common room when the team got up.

“Is that him?” Ava whispered like she was approaching royalty.

“Don’t crowd the baby,” Bucky said, holding out an arm protectively.

John peered over Ava’s shoulder. “He looks like a tiny Bucky. But like, angrier. Is that even possible?”

Jamie yawned.

Yelena, unusually soft-voiced, leaned in “Look at him. So small. So squishy. Like a baby potato with many opinions.”

“He does look judgmental,” Bob offered.

“He is judgmental,” you smiled.

—

There were a couple more visits after that before your first official night at the tower. 

They’d been asking for weeks to hold him now. 

Every visit, every mission debrief, every team meeting that you attended with Jamie snoozing in a carrier strapped to your chest, someone would inevitably ask:

“Can I hold him?”

The answer had always been not yet.

Not until he had more of an immune system than a fruit fly.

Especially not until Bob stopped referring to his hands as “clean-ish.”

But today, Jamie was twelve weeks old. 

Today was the day.

You warned them ahead of time, sending them a group text. Bucky enforced it like a drill sergeant, passing non-alcohol hand sanitiser around like communion.

The baby was clean. The adults were clean. The air smelled faintly of lemon.

Yelena was first, practically vibrating as she took Jamie into her arms like a sacred artifact.

“Bozhe moi,” she whispered, eyes wide. 

“He’s real,” Bob said, as Jamie curled his arm around his finger, “we can touch him.”

Then John took a turn, cradling Jamie like he was made of glass. Bucky, perhaps knowing he had some experience and was trying to make amends with his own son, trusted him most. “He’s so… light.“

Eventually, one by one, everyone got their turn.

And then… Alexei.

He stepped forward quietly, hands extended, palms open and ready. There was a certain fondness in his eyes.

You gently handed Jamie over, and Alexei took him with a grace that didn’t match his usual bull-in-a-china-shop aesthetic. He rocked him slightly and began saying something soft in Russian. It sounded like a lullaby.

Jamie adorably blinked up at him.

And then, with the seriousness of a priest delivering a sermon, Alexei slowly walked across the room… and stopped in front of the elevator.

“Little Jamie,” he said in a soothing voice, still swaying, “this, my sweet little cherub, is where you were conceived.”

“Dad!” Yelena whisper-shouted, her hands in the air. “Stop!”

“I’m just telling him the truth!” Alexei protested.

“He’s a baby!” Ava barked. 

“He needs context!”

“HE NEEDS A NAP!” John insisted.

Alexei looked down at Jamie, who stared back, completely unbothered.

“I think he gets it,” Alexei said, beaming.

Jamie sneezed.

Bucky buried his face in your shoulder. “I can’t believe we let him hold the baby.”

You, already laughing, said, “At least he didn’t point out the exact panel of the wall.”

Alexei turned around, lifting Jamie like Simba. “And over here, by button 13, that’s where your father’s ass was—”

“OH MY GOD,” Yelena wailed, launching a pillow at him.

Bob hastily caught it. “We shouldn’t throw things when the baby is airborne.”

John held out his arms. “Give him back before you scare him with a detailed retelling.” 

Alexei sighed, but passed Jamie over. “You are going to be great warrior like your father, Jamie.”

You settled onto the couch beside Bucky, your body relaxing as you leaned into him. He pressed a kiss to your temple, then let his lips linger in your hair. He never failed to remind you that you were safe. That Jamie was safe.

Your eyes drifted across the room— your strange, chaotic, beautiful little makeshift family in a room that was a labour of your love. Bob was wiping down a clean countertop for the third time. Ava and Yelena were mid-argument about the correct way to swaddle a baby, neither remotely qualified but equally committed. 

Jamie, unfazed by the commotion, cooed contentedly in John’s arms, his tiny fingers reaching for the man’s bead as Alexei kept talking to him in russian.

Your heart felt like it might burst.

He had your nose, Bucky’s eyes, and all the love in the world.

In the background, Alexei’s voice rose again, brimming with mischief. “Next time, I’ll show him the armoury.”

“NO!” came the instant chorus from everyone in the room.

You couldn’t help it, so you laughed.

Jamie was loved. Fiercely, ridiculously loved.

And there wasn’t a person in this room who wouldn’t burn the world down for him.

-end.

General Bucky taglist:

@hotlinepanda @snflwr-vol6 @ruexj283 @2honeybees @read-just-cant

 @shanksstrawhat @mystictf @globetrotter28 @thebuckybarnesvault @average-vibe

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@reckless007 @hextech-bros @daydreamgoddess14 @96jnie @pono-pura-vida

@buckyslove1917 @notsostrangerthing @flow33didontsmoke @qvynrand @blackbirdwitch22

@torntaltos @seventeen-x @ren-ni @iilsenewman @slayerofthevampire

@hiphip-horray @jbbucketlist @melotyy @ethereal-witch24 @samfunko

@lilteef @hi172826 @pklol @average-vibe @shanksstrawhat

@shower-me-with-roses @athenabarnes @scarwidow @thriving-n-jiving @dilfsaresohot

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@samfunko @wh1sp @anonymousreader4d7 @mathcat345 @escapefromrealitylol

@imjusthere1161 @sleepysongbirdsings @fuckybarnes @yn-stories-are-my-life @rIphunter

@cjand10 @nerdreader @am-3-thyst @wingstoyourdreams @lori19

@goldengubs @maryevm @helen-2003 @maryssong23 @fan4astic

@yesshewrites1 @thewiselionessss @sangsterizada @jaderabbitt @softpia 

@hopeofwinter @nevereclipse @tellybearryyyy @buckybarneswife125 @buckybarneswife125

@imaginecrushes @phoenixes-and-wizards

[godmadeaterribleerror]

I've Been Waiting (And So Have You)

✦Read on a03!✦ ✦Bucky Masterlist - Main Masterlist✦ ✦pairing: Bucky Barnes x female!reader✦ ✦summary: You've been in love with Bucky Barnes since you first saw him. You've waited for him, even when you knew it was pointless. Then, when you finally decide to move on, you ask him for help. But he doesn't seem to be putting his all into helping you find a relationship. And you can't seem to give yours to getting over him, at all.✦ ✦warnings/tags: Modern!AU, friends to lovers, not actually unrequited love, insecurity, jealousy, angst, fluff, pining, shameless smut (fingering, slight body worship, p in v sex, loss of virginity, softdom!bucky), no use of y/n✦ ✦author's note: Request from my love @fxckingjo. First modern au! might be obsessed with them now. oops. Enjoy!✦

He’s sitting in his office, looking perfect. 

That’s where he usually is. In his pressed suit, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up, his hair tucked slightly behind his ears because none of his aides can convince him to cut it, and you won’t bother to try. 

You know he hates this. The formality of it all, the glass between himself and his staffers, the little pin they give him to show off that he was in the military, before turning around and rejecting his bills. But this got his parents off his back—which, as you’ve frequently reminded him, is an insane reason to run for congress—and he gets to take his lunches whenever he wants. 

Which is great for you. 

Because now you get to have lunch together every day. 

The secretary nods when you flash her your guest badge, and gives you a simpering smile. You don’t understand why she hates you, why she always tries to stop you from going in under the guise of security. You haven’t been able to bring yourself to ask Bucky, because he’d go and talk to her about it, and you really don’t want to be hovering in the background for that conversation. 

Maybe it’s because you take up a whole half-hour of Bucky’s attention, and it’s the most valuable currency in the world. 

You can’t blame the secretary for wanting to keep it to herself, best she can. You’ve gone to drastic lengths to do the same, the least embarrassing being sitting next to him in every single lecture during your college days, and the most being the time you dedicated a whole two weeks to convincing him to mostly work from Brooklyn instead of DC, just so you wouldn’t have to see him less. 

At least your scheme worked, is all you can think as you feel the secretary glaring daggers at your back. You know why her skirts are so short, and blouses are so low-cut. And she’s got a really nice body. You’re sure she’d be batting better results, if she’d just be nice to people who visit Bucky. 

He is just a man, and he’s got the eyes to see her black lacy bra. 

He also cares about his friends more than anyone you’ve ever met. 

And he never misses the venom with which she speaks to you. Curt greetings of your name, needless questions about why you’re here, and scowls at you when she thinks you can’t see. 

“I need to talk to her about it, don’t I.” He mutters as a greeting, frowning out the glass doors, and you sigh. 

“She’s just doing her job, Buck-“

“Well, she’s not that good at it. And this is the third time I’ve caught her lookin’ like she wants to kill you-“

“You know why she’s doing that, right?” You drop at his desk, sliding the sandwich you brought him across the desk. 

Bucky’s eyes flick to you, his brows raised. “God, don’t say it again-“

“She wants to fuck you.” You say it in a sing-song voice, because it hides the bitterness on your tongue. “She dreams about you calling her into your office and saying get on the couch, doll-“

He snorts. “That supposed to be me?”

You nod, taking a large bite of your own sandwich and grinning at him. Bucky just shakes his head with a chuckle, unwrapping the tinfoil around his lunch.

“I don’t talk like that-“

“Yeah, you do-“

“Chew and swallow, sweetheart.” He gives you a dry look as you speak through a mouthful, and you roll your eyes at him. “Jesus, I’m pretty sure someone raised you in a fuckin’ barn.”

You swallow dramatically, and stick your tongue out at him. “I’ve been groomed for high society, Sergeant. That’s why they didn’t give me any napkins at the deli, they trust me without them.”

Bucky sighs, leaning forward to frown in the paper bag. “You forgot the napkins?”

“Nuh uh, weren’t you just listening to what I said-“

“Yeah, and I know you.” He leans back with an amused look. “You’re hurtin’ yourself more than me, sweetheart. You got somethin’, right there.”

He points to your nose, and you scrunch it, trying to lick it off. Bucky watches you for a few moments before shaking his head again, and reaching over the desk. 

The moment his thumb brushes your nose, you go still. 

His touch always fucking does that. It doesn’t matter if it’s passing you a pencil in college, sitting next to you in your first apartment, or resting his fingers over yours on the subway, when he helped you figure out the commute to work. Bucky’s always been able to shut you down and light you up like no one else has. Like you’re not sure anyone else ever will. 

He leans back, and licks the bit of sauce off his thumb. It makes your breath hitch, and gaze drop down to your lap. You don’t know why he does those kinds of things around you, when it means nothing. Maybe he’s practicing for other women, maybe he’s just not thinking about it, or maybe he knows that you’re in love with him and is just toying with you. 

No. 

There’s no way he knows. 

And even if he did, he’d never be that cruel. He’d reject you softly, then pull back until your feelings fade. Because he’s a good man, who volunteers for fund drives and helps old ladies carry their groceries and makes you share your location when you walk home at night—not necessarily with him, but you’ve never suggested anyone else, and some small part of you likes knowing that he might be looking at his phone and worrying about you—because he’d go full John Wick if something happened to you. 

Which only makes you love him more. 

Only reminds you that he has no idea what he does to you. What he’s always done to you. 

What no one else has managed to replicate, to the point that it’s become a problem. 

You can’t love anyone that’s not Bucky Barnes. You can’t think of wanting anyone that’s not him, either. You can’t move on from something you’ve never had at all, and it’s not fair to yourself to keep waiting to see if he turns around and finally sees you. 

He won’t. 

Bucky’s already seen you, and he’s decided you fit very well in the friend category. Best friend category, even. Which is more than you could’ve hoped for, given he was this pretty, perfect, untouchable god in college, and you were just you.

You’re still just you.

You’ve always been you, no matter how you try to be something else. 

Someone who could look shiny and pretty on the arm of a congressman. Someone who could bend down low enough to show off Her lacy cleavage, and flutter her eyelashes at her hot boss. Someone whose bravado isn’t just a show you know everyone can see right through.

Bucky likes you how you are. You know he does. 

But he just likes you. 

You’re done waiting for it to turn into something else. It won’t. And you don’t want to attend his wedding in however many years, playing the role of the drunken, lovesick and jealous woman that his bride didn’t want to invite.

So you had a plan, when you walked into the office. And no matter how Bucky smiles at you or cleans your face with his infernal, rough and big fingers, you’re going to go through with it. 

“Barnes.” You lean forward, making your words firm and sharp.

He raises his brows. “Yeah?”

“Can I ask you for a favor?”

“Sure. But if it’s getting you early access to the kittens in the shelters again, I told you I’m not in-charge of that-“

“No, it’s not that-“

“Okay, good, because I swear I looked into it for you, but I’m not an emperor-“

“Good. You’d be a bad one. Can I-“

He frowns. “Why would I be a bad emperor?”

You sigh. “Bucky-“

“I mean, I agree with you.” He leans over the desk, holding your gaze. “But I wanna know why you think I’d be bad at it.”

“Because you don’t like parties, Buck. And people would spend all day saying stupid things to you.”

“People say stupid things to me now-“

“James.” You give him a pleading look. You spent all morning building up the confidence for this, and you’re about to lose it. 

Bucky, by some miracle, just sighs and nods. “Sorry. But,” he gives you a small grin. “You’d make a good empress.”

You flush. He’s not being helpful, smiling at you and looking better every moment. Staring at you while he takes a large bite of his sandwich. 

The words, for a moment, get caught in your throat as you watch him. You’re never going to do better than Bucky. If you ask for what you want, you’re going to have to learn how to. 

You just have to spit it out. Like vomit, sickening and vile when you force it up, but once it’s gone, you’ll feel better. 

All you have to do is say it, and you’ll start getting better- 

Bucky says your name, his voice a little lower, like he’s worried.

He does really care about you. Even if it’s not the way you care about him. 

Goddammit. 

“Can I have one of your friend’s phone numbers?” You blurt, and Bucky sits up. Just blinks at you for a moment, like he doesn’t understand the words you just said, then clears his throat.  

“What, to like- Help with somethin’?”

In a way, yeah. “No, um- To go out with.”

“On… a date.”

You nod, picking at the skin of your nails, and Bucky is still just staring at you. 

“Is there one you want?” He asks, voice low, and you shake your head.  

“No, I was- Uh-“ God, your face is on fire. This was a horrible idea. “I was kind of just going to let you choose?”

Bucky’s silent for another, long moment, and you can hear the tick, tick, tick of his watch. 

You got him that watch. As a celebration, when he got into office. He’d hugged you so tight you can still sort of feel it. Kissed your cheek. You’d lain in bed for three hours that night, just touching where his lips had brushed and grinding into your sheets. 

It’s best not to think about it. 

“You want me.” Bucky says slowly, and your eyes snap up.

“No, I just-“

“To pick one of my friends. For you to go on a date with.” 

You let out a heavy breath. Bucky’s staring a little blankly at the air, and you’re not even sure he heard your panicked protests. “Yes, please.”

“For somethin’ serious?” His eyes focus slightly, narrowing on yours. “Or just sex?”

Your nails dig into your palms as you start to feel like you’re on fire. He doesn’t know. He has no way of knowing.

That you’ve been too caught up in your stupid, romantic little fantasy where he brings you flowers and confesses his love on his knees before fucking you stupid. That you’ve been waiting for him, like an idiot, because some foolish little part of you wants it to be perfect, and it really never gets more perfect than Bucky.

Bucky knows you didn’t really have dates in high school, and he’s been around for all of your weak attempts to go on dates since then. He’s been next to you when you get asked out at a bar. You’ve told him all about dating apps, and singles nights, and blind setups from friends. 

But you never go past the funny stories and details. 

You never tell him that even for the ones who don’t end up disgusting you, it never goes further than a few kisses. 

It’s never gone further than a few kisses. 

Because you’ve been saving further for Bucky. Whenever you’ve pictured a first time, since the very moment you laid eyes on him, it’s always been Bucky above you. His voice in your ear, his hands roaming your body, his touch lighting you on fire. 

You can’t keep waiting. And he doesn’t know. 

He’s protective of his friends. That’s all his question is. 

So you give him a nervous smile, and shrug. “Something serious?”

“Huh.” He frowns. “Didn’t know you were lookin’ for that.”

“I, um- I just started.” You tug at the hem of your shirt, watching him carefully. He’s oddly still. You’re a little concerned. “Buck, if you’re not- I mean, if you don’t think any of them would like me-“

“No.” Bucky grunts, giving you a firm look. “They all- They would love you.”

You flush. You don’t want them to love you. 

Don’t think about it. 

“Oh- Okay. So can I have a number? Just for one date, then I’ll leave it alone.”

“Yeah, just-“ Bucky sighs, leaning back in his chair and running a hand over his face. “I’m sorry, what’s goin’ on?”

“I’m… asking for your friend’s number?” Your stomach twists. “Bucky, are you feeling okay, do we need to go-“

“No, that wasn’t- It’s not a memory thing.” His throat bobs, and he won’t stop fucking staring at you. It’s not helping you get over him faster. “I’m just tryin’ to understand.”

“Okay, good.” You pause. “Understand what?”

He gives you a strange look. “You don’t date, sweetheart. Not really. Did somethin’ happen?”

“I- I date-“

“No, you don’t. You just- Never mind.” He lets out a heavy breath. “Are you serious? About wanting to go out?”

“Yes.” You lean forward, trying to drag confidence from the pit of your stomach. “Can I have Steve, please?”

Bucky makes a face. “No. He’s like my brother-“ His lip curls. “No.”

“Well, how about Stark?”

“You’d hate Stark.”

“You hate Stark. I like money.”

“Yeah?” He gives you an amused look. “You just tryin’ to gold dig?”

“Maybe.” You cross your arms. “Or I’m just hoping that my true love is also rich. It would solve a lot of problems.”

Bucky’s gaze softens slightly. “Sweetheart, if you need money, I can-“

“No, James. I’ve told you no.”

“It wouldn’t be an issue, just for your rent-“

“I’m fine.”

“I just wanna help you-“

“And you can do that.” You give him a firm look. “By setting me up on a date with one of your friends.”

Bucky scowls, and lets out a long, labored sigh. Like this is physically hurting him. The idea of you, in any sort of romantic situation with someone he cares about, is just that impossible to think about.

Another thing you really don’t want to think about.

“Fine.” He mutters suddenly, and you sit up.

“Really? You’ll help?”

“Yeah, I’ll help. We’ll get you a date, doll. Whatever you want. But,” his voice turns firm, before you can even process the weight with which he said whatever you want. “Not any of my friends.”

You frown. “Why not-

“Cause.”

“That’s not a reason, Bucky-“

“The reason doesn’t matter. Do you want my help or not?”

You sigh. There’s not really another choice. “Yeah. I do.”

“Alright then.” Bucky watches you carefully, still almost impossibly still. “We’ll go out this weekend, and- I know a few decent guys.”

“Decent?”

“Good guys.” He mutters, and it sounds like he hates the words. “They’re good guys, we just aren’t that close. They’ll be into you, swear it.”

You nod slowly, and this went about as well as you could have hoped. “Bucky?”

He grunts your name, and you offer him a small smile. 

“Thank you.”

“‘Course.” He mutters. “Anything.”

His attention never once wavers from you, even as his phone starts to ring. And he’s so pretty. Lips too full and pink, even in a tight line. Hair soft looking, beard neatly trimmed, eyes so blue. 

You’ve had too many dreams about getting lost in them. 

They aren’t dreams that will just fade, either. They’re like a routine. You go to bed, and think of Bucky to fall asleep. Fantasize about him through the night. Daydream about him until you crawl back into bed, and repeat it all over again.

Which is why you have to do this. Having someone else will force your thoughts away from Bucky, and what can never be. 

“You should get that.” You whisper, and he nods. 

“Probably, yeah. And you gotta get back to work.”

“I do.” You try to make your voice light, because the air of the room feels oddly hot and heavy. “Have fun with her.”

You tilt your head back, to where you can feel his secretary glowering at you. She had a call for him. You’re being distracting, and hogging him. 

You can’t manage to feel bad about it at all. Not when you turn to leave, and it’s your name that he calls. 

“You know I’d never do that, right?” His eyes flick to his secretary. “That’s not… She can keep dreamin’ or whatever. But I’m not interested.”

“Yeah. I know.” You hold your bag a little tighter. “I mean, you’re seeing someone, right? Mary… Monica?”

“Macy.” He mutters, and you bite on your inner cheek.

Better not to think about-

“But she broke up with me.” 

You blink at him, and the phone call goes silent. There’s an odd weight in his eyes, and you hadn’t known things with Macy were that serious. At least, not serious enough for him to look like someone just shot his dog.  

“Oh, Buck. I’m so sorry, why would she-“

“Don’t worry about it.” He shrugs, and you frown. 

“But-“

“She just saw some things she couldn’t ignore. That’s it.” His tongue flicks over his lips, and the phone starts to ring again.

“Bucky-“

“I’m good, sweetheart. She wasn’t wrong about anything. Just-“ He sighs, still staring at you. “Something I gotta work on. It was for the best.”

You nod, but still murmur, “That sucks. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.” He blinks slowly, mouth curving in an odd, weighted smile. “So am I. See you tomorrow, doll.”

“See you tomorrow,” you echo, and force yourself to turn.

Bucky has a job to do. 

You have a Bucky to get over. 

This is the best way to keep him without driving yourself insane. 

He hadn’t been as eager to help as you thought he’d be. 

It’s better not to think about it. 

This is all for the best. 

———

Bucky is a horrible matchmaker. Truly awful. Almost impressively so. 

It usually takes effort, to be this fucking bad at something. Especially for James fucking Barnes, who’s good at every damn thing he does. You’ve seen him fix cars and paint decent flowers, and his voice isn’t amazing but it’s good, and he can dance and cook and tell jokes and speak four languages.

You’ve never seen Bucky be bad at anything in his life. 

But Jesus fucking Christ, he’s dogshit at this. 

“How was Michael?” He asks you, sprawled on your couch when you get home.

“Um…” You drop your keys in the bowl by your door, pinching your brow as you try to think of kind words. “He’s… interesting. A lot of opinions, and- Some very interesting interests-“

Bucky drawls your name, still looking at the TV. “You said interesting three times.”

“Because he’s very interesting.” You snap. “Where did you find him, again?”

“Another friend.”

“One of yours-“

“Nah, I asked Stark about any single friends he had.” His voice lowers slightly. “You said you wanted someone rich.”

“You’re rich.” You mutter under your breath, and Bucky looks at you so fast you’re shocked he doesn’t break his neck.

“You didn’t ask for me, doll.” 

You flush, looking down to your shoes. “Very funny.” You mutter. “I’m saying rich doesn’t have to equate psycho, Barnes.”

Bucky grunts. “I thought he was interesting.”

“He was.” You kick one shoe off a little too hard. It flies across the room and lands near Bucky’s feet. 

“So what’s the problem?” Bucky leans down, grabbing your shoe and holding it out. “Last guy was too boring, this one too interesting? Are you the fuckin’ pea princess?”

“The princess and the ea.” You grab your boot with a glare. “And the last guy spent fifty minutes talking about golf. I wanted to shoot myself.”

“Don’t do that, doll, I’d miss you too much-“

“Well, then, you shouldn’t send me on dates with men who might want to hunt me!”

Bucky blinks at you for a moment, his fist curling on his lap. “What?”

“I don’t know, he just gave, like- Creepy stalker vibes. He asked my blood type and body fat, Bucky.” You drop on the couch next to him, glaring at the TV. “He wanted to know how fast I could run.”

There’s a moment of silence, and Bucky’s voice is so low you almost don’t hear it. “You ain’t seein’ him again.”

“No, I’m not. But thank you, for introducing me to him in the first place.”

“I didn’t mean to-“ Bucky sighs, and you see him tip his head back in your periphery. “I trusted Stark, okay? I won’t do that again.”

“Whatever.” You grumble, pulling your knees up to your chest. “This was a stupid idea anyway, Bucky. I can just die alone, it’s fine-“

“You’re not gonna die alone,” he mutters your name, and you can feel his gaze. “I... Goddamnit- I got one more guy for you. We were shipped out together, he moved here a few months ago, and- Hey, he’s got both his arms.” Bucky grins at you. “He’s like a better me.”

You frown, keeping your gaze fixed ahead. There’s no better Bucky. It’s just him, being everything you love and a little more after that, and distractions. 

“What’s his name.”

“Jake. He’s workin’ in construction right now.” There’s a pause, then- “I hooked him up with it.”

You hug yourself a little tighter. Bucky got him a job. He owes Bucky a favor. 

Which is, apparently, needed for someone to go on a date with you. 

“I’ll ask him if he’s free this weekend.” Bucky mutters. “And I’ll give him your number, so you can ignore him if you want.”

That makes your mouth twitch. “Thanks.”

“‘Course. Anything.” 

He sighs, and it’s the same words he’s been saying whenever you talk about it. Almost robotic. 

You wonder if he dreads saying them, almost as much as you dread hearing them. 

Because it’s not anything. 

It’s everything, but what you want. What you can’t have. 

Bucky’s arm stays over your shoulders, as you watch TV on the couch. You don’t ever want him to be replaced by anyone else. You don’t want better Bucky. 

You just want Bucky.

Better not to think about it. 

You don’t really have that many options. 

You’ll take what you can get. 

———

Jake isn’t a better Bucky. He’s like a remodel, or second edition, or faded imprint of him. Which is a cruel thing to think of a person, but you can’t help it. 

He sent you the first text. I hear we got a friend, trying to push us together. 

You’d blinked at the screen, then carefully typed back, We may. Are you Jake?

Guilty. You the pretty girl Barnes is trying to pawn off?

You’d frowned at that, trying to think of what you could possibly respond, when Jake sent another message. 

He shouldn’t be trying that hard. Unless you’re not real.

Unless I’m not real

You sound too good to be true, darling. 

That had earned a small smile. Yeah? Bucky sort of sold you pretty high, as well. 

Doubt it was as high as he sold you.

And your smile had grown. Not the wide, carefree one you get with Bucky, but a real smile. Which, right now, is sort of all you can ask for. 

You spent the whole week, texting with Jake. At work, on the subway, at home in bed. 

The only time you don’t is when you’re eating lunch with Bucky. You can’t even think about him, because the moment you walk into his office, the whole universe narrows down to Bucky. It always has. You’re pretty sure it always will. 

Just Bucky, frowning at the papers on his desk but smiling when he sees you. His tie a little askew, and his hair messy, like he’s been touching it all day.

“You okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m good.” He grins at you. “Happy you’re here.”

You flush. He can’t just say stuff like that, it’s not fair. “Happy to be here. You obviously needed me.”

“Yeah?” He chuckles, taking his sandwich. “How’s that?”

“You look like shit, James.”

He laughs, loud and full, and it makes your heart kick into a drum. “And you look lovely, doll.”

“I slept last night.”

“So did I.”

“Bucky-“

He says your name back with an eye roll. “I’m good, sweetheart. I’m always good.”

You sigh. “We both know that’s not true-“

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll sleep tomorrow night.” 

“Tomorrow?” You glare at him. “Sleep tonight, Barnes-“

“No, tonight is movie night. I got the popcorn.” 

You flush. Movie night. You forgot about movie night. 

“Bucky, um-“ You set down your sandwich, fiddling with the cuffs of your sleeve. “I actually… can’t go to movie night.” 

He just looks at you, holding his sandwich. He looks like he’s trying to strangle it, even as his voice remains calm. “Why not?”

“I, um- I have a date.” 

“Ah.” His tone is impossible to read. It’s going to drive you insane. “Thought that didn’t go anywhere.”

“We’ve just been talking.” You mumble. “I can reschedule-“

“No. Go on your date.” He gives you a tight smile, and it’s not Bucky’s normal smile. That goes all the way to his eyes. 

This smile looks pained. Too wide. Too quick, without even a huffed laugh. 

Better not to think about it. 

But that’s all you do.

You go out with Jake, and all you can think about is Bucky.  

Jake has an accent, but it’s a little sharp around the edges compared to Bucky’s drawl. He pays for your meal, but doesn’t open the door for you, like Bucky has always done. He stands with you on the street, but when you tell him you’re walking home, he just asks if you have pepper spray, then calls himself an Uber.

But he’s sweet. 

He laughed at your jokes. He called you pretty. He kept his hands in respectful places, but still touched you. Light fingers on your wrist, a cautious hand on your waist when he kissed your cheek goodnight.

“Can we do this again?” He asks, and something in you panics. 

You’ve never made it past the dinner date. Not to actually do things that might lead to—or kill the chance of—other things. 

“Um, yeah. Yes. That would be nice.” You sound insane. “I would… like that a lot.”

“Great.” Jake grins at you as his car pulls up. “Get home safe, and text me when you’re free?”

“I will.” You give him a nervous smile, pulling at the cuffs of your shirt. “Goodnight, Jake.”

His car pulls away, and you just sway on the curb. 

Too real. This is getting too real, and you don’t know how to handle it. The air feels thin, and your skin is getting hot, and every time a car passes by it’s like the headlights are focused on you. Welcoming everyone to laugh at the girl who gets dizzy over brushing hands and secret smiles. Who’s freaking out because the date she went on might lead to sex, but it’s going to be the wrong sex, with the wrong person, when the right person never even wanted her in the first place.

You should Google how to do this. The dating thing. Maybe ask a friend.

Do anything but call Bucky, because the whole fucking point of this is to get over him. 

It’s like trying to scale Everest with only a thin piece of string.

You need him, because he has a habit of just making it all better. Of saying the right thing, or offering a solution, or making a dry joke that turns the world into something less heavy. 

The phone rings only twice, before he picks up. 

“You alright, doll? Tell me where you are, and I can come and-“

“I’m just walking home, Buck. I’m okay.” You take a deep breath, and Bucky lets out an audible sigh. 

“Good. Did, uh-“ He coughs. “How was it. The thing.”

“It was good.” It was okay. Not you, so just okay. “He wants to go out again.”

“Do you?” 

“Do I-“

“Wanna go out again.” Bucky’s voice is oddly heavy. “With him.”

No. “Yeah. I do.” 

“Okay. Congrats. You callin’ to thank me, or something?”

“No. I mean, yes, thank you, but- There’s another thing. And it’s actually pretty dumb, so-“

Bucky says your name sternly over the phone, and you swallow. 

“I’ve sort of never… I haven’t- I’ve never been on a second date before.” You say it quickly, like the speed can somehow mask what you’re saying. 

Look at how fucking sexy I am, Bucky. I’ve never been on two dates, and I’m having a panic attack about it. Do you want to fuck me now?

“Oh.” Is all he says, and you can’t read that tone. Why the fuck can’t you read that tone. 

It’s not judgment. It’s not disgust. It’s just low and strange and without his face, there’s no way you’re going to be able to figure out what he’s thinking-

“Do you wanna practice?”

You trip over your feet. “I, um- What?”

“Practice,” he says your name gently, and you’re pressing the phone so close to your ear the speaker vibrates with his every word. “Just a trial run. So you know what people do.”

“I know what people do on dates.” You grumble, and Bucky scoffs. “James, I do-“

“Then you don’t need my help, do you?”

You scowl. “Are you actually trying to help? Or just making fun of me.”

Bucky drawls your name. “When have I ever made this kinda fun of you?”

“So incredibly often-“

“I’m being serious, sweetheart.” He says, and you close your mouth. “If you wanna do this, I will.”

Fuck. “To help?” 

“Yeah. Sure.”

You frown at the air, trying to breathe through your nose. A fake date, so you can go on a real date, specifically to get over Bucky. 

He offered. 

It’s a horrible, horrible idea, but Bucky offered. 

So you say yes.

———

“You didn’t have to do this.” You mutter, and Bucky shrugs. 

“Yeah, I did. I’m tryin’ to set your standard high, sweetheart.” He holds out the flowers with a small grin. “Expect nothin’ but the best.”

You smile despite yourself, and the fucking pain he doesn’t even know he’s putting you in. 

Showing up at your doorstep. 

With flowers. And a grin that could maybe move a goddamn mountain, looking at you like he’s seen the sky and you’re the only star in it worth watching. Like you fucking matter to him, in some way more than a friend he’s doing a favor. 

A huge favor.

Goddamnit, there is cruelty to his kindness. 

There’s a price that he won’t have to pay, for what you already know this is going to do to you. 

Bucky took his whole Friday night for this, for you. He seriously planned a date he’s not even going to get sex from, with someone he sees every day. 

You do matter to him. You know you matter to him. 

You’d like to matter enough that he didn’t have to play pretend with you. 

That this was just reality, or that you didn’t care at all. 

There would be nothing bitter to this, if you just didn’t care that he got your favorite flowers. If you hadn’t been buzzing for this all afternoon, only for him to arrive right on time, dressed casually but well and ringing your doorbell as if he doesn’t have a key to your apartment.

Nothing but the best, he says. 

You have it now. 

It’s impossible not to think about it. About the what-ifs. Play all the little games in your head, where you map out exactly how this could go. Paint a picture of you and Bucky kissing in a photo booth, shoot the scene of him putting his arm around your shoulders and whispering a secret in your ear, pull the puppets into holding onto each other in the dark, long after the night is over. 

Most of them run the same story. 

You’ve put more effort into how you look right now than you did on the actual dates. But that’s needed, for you to swing the door open, and for it to properly hit Bucky. There are supposed to be lights and swelling music, flowers and glitter and moon eyes, as he really sees you for the first time. It’s what would set everything in motion. Bucky sees you, falls in love with you—slowly, over the whole night—and then you both laugh about this fifty years on the porch of your shared house.

Instead, you opened the door and Bucky just smiled, and showed you the flowers. If he scanned over your body or felt fireworks, he doesn’t show it. 

He just fucking smiles at you. And continues to be so painfully perfect.

“We should go, I got a whole day planned out for us.”

“Really?” You hold the flowers too tight. You might be about to crush them. 

“Nah, but I want to beat the traffic. C’mon, doll.”

He holds a hand out, and you raise the flowers pathetically. “Um- I have to-“

“Right.” Bucky nods, his hand faltering slightly. “I’ll wait.”

And he does. He waits, still offers you his arm—but not his hand, which is fine, because it’s not a real date so you can’t expect anything at all—and walks you out of the building to his- 

“No bike?” You say, and Bucky shrugs, opening the door to his car.

“I know you don’t like it. Not very high standards of me to put you on a death trap.”

You sigh. “I don’t think they’re death traps, Buck, I just think you’ve had enough injury for one lifetime-“

“And I think I’m maxed out. Someone somewhere had to owe me some luck.” Bucky gives you a firm look as you open your mouth. “I’m not makin’ you ride it, sweetheart.”

You stick your tongue out at him, crossing your arms over your chest, and Bucky grins. 

“There’s my girl.”

He just closes the door after that. Walks around the hood of the car and hops in the driver’s seat with another small grin. 

As if he didn’t just stop your heart in your fucking chest. 

And he doesn’t stop doing that, all fucking day. 

“I just don’t want you to get hurt.” You mutter a little later, knees propped on the dashboard, and Bucky chuckles. 

“We still on the motorcycle thing?”

“We’re not on it, Bucky, I just don’t think you’re made of steel-“

“You’d be wrong.” He shrugs, fingers tapping on the wheel. “I do so many steroids, I’m basically a superhero at this point.”

“But you’re not.” You mutter, picking at your nails, and he lets out a long sigh. 

Reaches over the console and takes your hand, squeezing it gently with a small grin. 

“Does it help if I say that my security team’s been makin’ me do it less?”

You look up at him, chewing on your lower lip. “They have?”

Bucky nods, glancing at you out of the corner of his eyes before looking back to the road.

“You don’t gotta worry about me, sweetheart. I got people I pay for that.”

You swallow, and it’s a stupid thing to say, but it’s falling from your lips before you can stop it. “Am I allowed to worry about you for free?”

He lets out a heavy sigh. “Yeah. You can do whatever you want with me, doll.”

You flush, looking back out the window. He doesn’t know what he’s saying, is all it is. He’s comfortable with you, he basically sees you as a sister, it’s not even flirting so much as it’s reassurance. A reminder that he’s not going back to the army, that there are people who make sure the Bucky that fell out of a second-story window in college isn’t allowed to make every single choice about what’s safe. 

He’d been drunk. He thought he was Michelangelo, that he’d invented wings. 

He hadn’t.

It’s amazing it took him going to the army to lose an arm. You’ve heard all the stories about him and Steve as kids, and how he was always jumping in front of fists aimed at the scrawny kid who thought heart was a valid way to win a fight. But you have a feeling that—just like after the Michelangelo incident—he’d spend more time making sure Steve was okay than he was. Bucky didn’t think he was invincible. 

He just cared more about how the people around him weren’t. 

Cares more about reassuring you that he will be okay, than trying to argue. You’ve been through enough together of him to know that you might not have valid reason to worry—Bucky’s careful on the bike, but he was careful in the army as well—but he’s still going to tell you it’s okay. 

Dry jokes and teasing only go up to when you’re genuinely worried, because Bucky cares about you. 

That’s why he said that. 

You can do whatever you want with me.

For comfort. 

But there’s no reason for him to keep holding your hand.

Best not to think about it. 

He parks at Coney Island, and you huff a soft laugh. You should have guessed.

“I feel special.” You tell him, as he helps you out of the car—he’s just a boy raised well, it doesn’t mean anything—and he frowns.

“Why’d you say it like that?”

“Like what?”

He opens his mouth, then shakes his head. “Never mind. You got everything?”

You nod, and try not to dwell on how quickly—how certainly—Bucky takes your hand. Not your arm. Your hand.

It shouldn’t make you feel dizzy, just to hold hands. It doesn’t bode well for actually, finally having sex. But you squeeze Bucky’s hand—probably too tight—and he doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t give any sign that this is making him feel gooey and kept as well—like you’re melting while being held together all at once—because there’s no reason for it to. 

“You take all your dates here, Barnes?” You joke lightly, trying to remind yourself how to speak, and he just shrugs. 

“Nah.”

You pause. That didn’t sound like a joke. “Seriously?”

“Seriously.” He keeps looking at the crowd, but squeezes your hand gently.

He doesn’t offer another answer. 

Through the whole day, he only seems to offer more and more questions that make your head spin. 

It’s really impossible not to think about it. Not when Bucky’s right here with you, and he seems to shine brighter than the glare of the sun in your eyes. 

“Why didn’t you bring sunglasses?” Bucky mutters your name while you wait in some line, and you shrug. 

“I didn’t think I’d need them, Buck-“

“We’re at the beach-“

“You didn’t tell me we were going to the beach.”

Bucky pauses. “No. I did.”

“James, you said be ready at 11 and then dress however you want.”

“Oh.” He winces slightly, then gives you a small grin. It’s really impossible to stay mad at him. “Sorry.”

“You sound it.” You grumble—mostly for the show of it—and turn back to face the line. 

Bucky tosses his arm over your shoulders, and it takes a lot of willpower not to let your knees give out. 

He leans down, to whisper in your ear. He might be trying to kill you. 

“I am sorry, doll.” He reaches around to grab your chin, gently guiding your gaze onto his. 

And his eyes are so fucking blue. In the sunlight, it looks like he’s trapped the sky inside of him. 

That’s what being around him feels like, sometimes. His presence covers you, natural but demanding, not trying to be big, but impossible to be smaller. 

Maybe he did trap the sky. 

Maybe you’re just so in love with him it’s making you insane. 

“Bucky.” You whisper, and he grins at you. 

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

“Is this guy botherin’ you?” He nods up to the sun, and you snort, looking away from him with a flush. 

“That’s so stupid-“

“Yeah, but you like it.” He laughs, drawing back up to his full height and—by some small grace—missing the way your breath hitches slightly. “I’ll buy you sunglasses after.”

“No, you don’t have to-“

“I want to.” He guides you forward, another step in the line. “I told you. Nothin’ but the best.”

For you. 

Nothing but the best for you. 

He’s not actually dating you. It’s something you have to remind yourself of, over and over, through the whole day. Bucky would always hold your hand on a roller coaster, because he’s not a guy to just let you be afraid. He’d always pay for your food—he’s got the money—and he knew what to get you because you’re friends. Just friends. 

Going on a fake date. 

Nothing feels fake about it. 

It’s getting hard to remember that it is fake. 

And Bucky’s not really fucking helping. 

“You want the bear, or the- What the hell is that?”

“Pokémon.” You mumble, fidgeting with the cuff of your sleeve. “We’ve talked about them, Bucky. You said they were cute but weird.”

“I was right.” He mutters, hands braced on his hips as he assesses the stuffed prizes. “You want one?”

“You don’t have to-“

“We’ve been over this, sweetheart.” He drawls, giving you a firm look. “Want to.”

You wrinkle your nose. “You suck.”

“Yeah, I’m the worst for winning you a stuffed… turtle?”

“Squirtle.” You sigh. “And, I’d, um- I’d like-“

Bucky smirks. “Take your time, baby.”

“I just want a bear, please.” You blurt it, the baby making your heart kickstart. “Just a bear.”

Bucky nods, looking over to the animals. The bear is the smallest prize. Barely the size of your forearm, skinny and a little scraggly looking. You chose it because he won’t have to try and win it. He was a sniper. He’s got a good arm, and he can use it once to get you the stupid, ugly bear, because this isn’t a real date.

“Alright.” He mutters, pulling out his wallet with an unsettling look of determination in his eyes. “I can get a bear.”

You stand off to the side as he approaches the booth, and realize very quickly the mistake you’ve made. 

There are two bears. Yours is the ugly one. 

And a massive, fluffy one that you’re not sure Bucky is going to be able to carry. The one that requires a perfect score, and sits like a holy grail at the top of the shelf. Pristine. Untouchable. More of a white whale than an actual prize. 

But no one can ever accuse Bucky Barnes of backing down from a challenge he thinks he’ll win. 

And he was a sniper.

“There you go.” He grins at you, chest puffed with pride and eyes sparkling, as he passes the beast into your arms. “Got you the bear, sweetheart.”

You glare at him, and he’s standing so close. The bear is the only thing separating your bodies, and he leans down over its head, leaving your faces only inches apart. 

“I feel like you purposefully misinterpreted my request.” You whisper, and his smile grows. 

“I love it when you talk dirty to me.”

 “James-“

“Maybe I found a loophole.” He shrugs, and before you know what’s happening, he’s pressing a small kiss to the tip of your nose. “But what have I been tellin’ you?”

You swallow, and it takes a second to remember how to speak. “Nothing but the best.”

“Good girl.” 

You just gape at him, leaning slightly forward, but he started it. You can’t be blamed for falling into his gravity, you can’t be blamed for any of this. For the way he’d let you have some of his ice cream, the cleaned off the corner of your lip with his thumb. For the sunglasses on your face sliding too far down your nose, and Bucky pushing them back up all day with a single finger and smile. For the way your hand keeps just attaching to his, because he took yours first. 

And now his eyes flick down for a moment, tongue darting over his lips. 

You can’t be blamed. You’re not thinking about it, the single spot where Bucky’s lips brushed making it impossible to think anything, so you can’t be blamed for whatever’s about to happen- 

Bucky draws up. His hand finds your waist and squeezes, but he clears his throat and looks over your head. 

Back to the crowd. 

Like nothing happened at all. 

“It’s gettin’ late.” He grunts, and his voice is a little rougher than a moment before. “Ready to go?”

You nod, because you’re pretty sure if you open your mouth you’ll whine his name. 

Bucky gives you a slight look of concern, but doesn’t push it. Just takes your hand, and starts to guide you back through the crowd. 

He insists on carrying the bear back to the car, and it hangs in front of him like a massive riot shield. Helping you get through the crowd, allowing your body to press close to his to remain behind it. 

And close to Bucky.

On the ride back he puts his jacket on his lap because it’s getting warm, but still holds your hand in the car. He carries the bear up to your apartment, like the stupid, sweet man he is. 

He refuses to come inside. 

He makes you practice rejecting him three times. 

“Bucky, this is dumb-“

“Nope.” He has his hands on his hips, and a stern look on his face. “That’s not a good rejection. You’re hurtin’ my feelings.”

“You don’t have feelings, you’re a fake scenario man-“

“Ouch. Now you’re really hurin’ them-“

“James.” You glare at him, hugging yourself tight. “There’s no reason for me to do this.”

“Yeah, there is. No puttin’ out on the second date."

You flush. “Bucky-“

“No, I know, you don’t wanna talk about that with me.” He makes a slight face, his voice oddly low. “But anyone who can’t wait for you doesn’t deserve you. So unless you and John are having soulmate sparks, you’re gonna have to reject him.”

“We’re not having-“ You cut yourself off, blinking at him. “Jake. His name is Jake.”

Bucky’s nostrils flare. “Right. I forgot.”

“You introduced us-“

“Are you gettin’ my point?” He says, sounding oddly urgent. “Don’t settle. You’re worth more than that.”

You snort. “Yeah, as evident by my countless suitors.”

Bucky sighs your name, making another strange face. “Just tell me you’ll be careful?”

There’s something real, in his voice. 

But there’s been something real, underlining this whole day.

Best not to think about it. 

“I’ll be careful, Bucky.” You smile at him, and his shoulders slump slightly. “Thank you. For everything.”

“You’re welcome.” He mutters, watching you carefully. “You have fun?”

“Yeah.” You really did. 

“Good. You, uh-“ He clears his throat, taking a large step back. “You looked real nice. All day. Gorgeous.” He nods to himself, and looks like he’s going to continue.

But he doesn’t. 

He just mumbles a goodnight, and walks away. Leaving you standing in your doorway, swaying slightly as you float in his words. 

Gorgeous.

It’s all you can hear.

And no matter how much you remind yourself not to, you can’t stop thinking about it. Any of it. Bucky’s closeness, and how he smelled a little like mint and rain. His hand in yours, his lips on your nose, his full attention. All yours, without you even having to ask. 

The night passes, so painfully slow. You keep seeing his eyes, just as always, and your fingers wander between your thighs with a sigh of his name. 

It’s nothing new. 

It chases you into the daylight, and through your whole date with Jake. He takes you bowling, and your fingers brush, and he buys you food and sits right next to you, but all you can do is think about it.  

About Bucky, and his lips on your nose. How he’d looked at you. 

If it, any of it, was real. 

If it’s allowed to matter, if it was. 

You try to shove it down. Try to focus on Jake, and bowling, and getting over Bucky.

But you get back to your apartment, tell Jake he can come up after the next date—just like Bucky told you to—and walk through your door to see the bear. 

He didn’t have to do that. Any of it. 

But he did. 

You have another date, next week. Jake is sweet. 

You’ve never felt less over Bucky Barnes in your whole life. 

And you have no idea where to go from here. 

———

You’ve been seeing Jake more and more. Two dates turn into three. Three turns into four. He kisses you for the first time outside your apartment, but you tell him not to come in again. 

Once you cross that barrier, it’s no longer just something fun. Something to kill an afternoon or evening. Jake will kiss you a little harder, and his hands will start to wander, and you’ll have to make a choice. 

Is this how you want it to happen. 

Is Jake who you want it to happen with. 

No.

Because he’s still not Bucky. 

Jake is sweet. You’re repeating it over and over, because it’s sort of all that keeps you answering his texts. Not because there’s anything wrong with him, but because sweet means safe. Sweet means you could probably confess to him that you’ve never really done anything, and he’d treat you well. Be gentle. Not judge. 

But sweet also means there’s not that much edge to your conversations. Sweet means no sparks.

He holds your hand, and it doesn’t fit that well. 

He kisses your cheek, as he brings you drinks from the bar, and it’s just sweet. Nothing more. 

There’s no desire to turn your face, nothing going airy in your head and molten in your lower stomach. You’re relaxed in the booth, legs crossed out of habit, not to try and chase off an aching need. 

“You look pretty.” Jake smiles at you, sliding into the booth. “Like a fairy.”

Gorgeous. “Thank you. Not too bad yourself.” You hold your glass up for him, and he clinks it with a grin. 

“Seriously, you’re like the hottest person here.” He leans closer, lips brushing lightly over yours. “Every guy wishes they were me right now. I can feel them glaring.”

You laugh softly, even as your skin starts to itch. “I think you might be exaggerating.”

“No. I mean, I’m so fucking serious. You got the kinda face that starts a war.” Jake grins, and you feel sort of sticky. Like his compliments, as nice as they are, are hot and tar-like on your skin. “I should go thank Barnes, for letting me take a shot.”

“A shot?” You take a long drink, and Jake laughs. 

“Oh, yeah. He had people lining up to get with you, honey. I don’t know how I got to the front of the queue with him, but I’m glad I did.” He brushes hair out of your face, and you wish he wouldn’t. He’s not great at it, and now it’s sticking to your lips. “How was your day.”

“Alright.” You shrug. “Just a day, except for like, one thing with my boss. How about you?”

“Amazing, now.” He grins. “I might have to go thank Barnes now.”

You flush at just the sound of his name—if Jake says it one more time, you might explode—and take another sip. “I think it’ll have to wait until morning.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Jake sighs. “Don’t want to bother him on his date.”

The drink catches in your throat, coming out in a sputtering cough. “Bucky- What?”

“He’s at the bar.” Jake angles his thumb, frowning. “You okay, baby?”

“Yeah, um- I’m good. Great.” You try to crane your neck around Jake’s sweet face. “Where is he?”

“I dunno, with his girl. You want a napkin.”

“No, I’m- Yes.” You blink at Jake, still looking concerned. “A napkin would be good, please.”

Jake nods, standing back up, and the moment he’s gone you sit on your knees. Scan over the crowded bar with a frantic focus, because Bucky’s not here. He can’t be. He’s allowed to go on dates—you can’t think of one, good reason he wouldn’t be, or at least one that isn’t made of empty claims and a green feeling, festering in your heart—but he didn’t tell you he had one.

He doesn’t have to do that either. But he usually does. So Jake must have just seen some other guy with soft hair, brilliant eyes, and a metal arm.

Or it’s Bucky. 

Standing at the bar with some redhead. Soft hand holding a drink, metal elbow propped on the bar. 

Laughing. 

You feel sick.

It’s not like you didn’t know he gets around. That’s one of the reasons you’ve known you’d never be good enough for him. You’d be a disappointment, compared to the model who’s batting her lashes and biting her lip right now. Who he’s looking at like he’s missed her his whole life. Who says something that makes him throw his head back, and shake his head as he takes another drink. 

You can’t look away from it. From how she touches his shoulder so lightly to how she says something that makes his ears red and head shake. How smoothly their conversation flows between sincerity and joy. 

And you wonder what it looks like when you talk to Bucky. 

If you’re even in a corner of his mind right now, when he’s possessed your every thought for maybe your whole life. 

“Here you go.” Jake returns, holding out the napkins, and you give him a small smile.

“Thanks, babe.”

“No problem. Gotta help my girl.”

He sits back in the booth, and your stomach turns.

“Your girl, huh?” You try to say it casually, even as you taste bile on your tongue. 

Jake seems to buy it. “Yep. I mean,” he winks at you. “Once you let me into that magic apartment of yours.”

Fuck. “Jake, I- I told you I want to take it slow-“

“I know. And I can hold on. I got a hand.”

Your eyes widen. Again, he doesn’t see it. 

“But I’d like to just, like, see where you live.” He gives you a sweet smile. “We can just watch a movie. I’ll make dinner.”

A movie and dinner. Sweet. 

You don’t want to, don’t want to let Jake into your space, don’t want him to start making your blankets and couch cushions smell like him instead of Bucky. 

But Bucky’s at the bar. And he didn’t seem all that worried about wearing the shirt you got him to flirt with his redhead. 

Which is exactly why you have to say yes. 

“Okay.” You smile at Jake, and it feels plastic, but he doesn’t see. He never sees. “Tonight?”

“Right now.” Jake grabs your arm, and you giggle nervously as he pulls you up.

“Wow, we’re eager-“

“I’ve been hoping for this all month, honey. Let’s go.”

You laugh, and try to just feel this. Wanted. If Jake has nothing else for you, at least he wants you. 

But you could swear you feel something prickling on the back of your neck, as he pulls you out the door. And because you can’t help it, you look back to see Bucky and his redhead. 

They’re behind you.

If you’re going to get over him, and his bears and kindness and handsome face, you have to stop looking back. 

Hopefully, one day, you’ll figure out how.

———

He won’t let you. 

Bucky won’t let you stop looking back.

It’s all you thought about that night. With Jake right next to you, his thumb drawing circles on your arm as you watched some movie, you stared at the bear and thought about Bucky at the bar. If he’d win his redhead a bear. If he’d bring her to Coney Island at all. When Jake kissed you goodnight, you wonder if Bucky kisses his redhead this chastely. When you crawled into bed, you made yourself sick with thoughts of what Bucky could be doing right now. If his redhead keeps the dominant aura she had in the bar, and straddles him. Makes him beg. 

If he wouldn’t want you, because you’re not sure you can do that kind of work. You don’t want Bucky to beg. 

You just want him to look at you like you’re the most important thing in the world. To call you good girl again, because that’s been spinning around your head since he said it.

And it wanders between your thighs, with fingers that aren’t rough and big. 

Bucky’s name falls between your lips, as a phantom of his voice just whispers in your ear. 

Good girl. Nothing but the best. Whatever you want. 

He’s torturing you, and he’s not even in the room.

He won’t let you go, even when he doesn’t know you belong to him in the first place. 

You waste the day, shuffling around your apartment and doing busy work. Text with Jake. Do the dishes. Wash your couch cushions, because they smell like smoke and beer now. Call Jake. Get groceries. Schedule a date. 

It all just blurs together, into nothing, right up until Bucky calls. 

You almost drop your phone, trying to pick up. 

This getting over him thing is going fucking great. 

“Hey,” you sound too breathless. You need to calm the fuck down. “Hi, Bucky. What’s up?”

“Nothin’. Just had a question for you.” He pauses. “Now a bad time?”

You glance at your computer, where you’re supposed to be buying tickets to go out with Jake. “No, it’s good.”

“Alright, great.” Bucky sighs. “Look, I wasn’t bein’ creepy, and I’m real sorry about this, but- I saw you. Last night. With Jack.”

“Jake. And yeah.” You swallow. “I saw you with your date.”

“My- Oh, no.” Bucky laughs, and you blink at the air. “That wasn’t my date, she was just an old friend. I’ve told you about Nat, right? She and her sister came over from Russia in high school, she’s been on and off with like, everyone but me.”

“Oh.” Your face might be burning. “Sorry, I, um- I guess I should’ve said hi.”

“Nah, it’s better you didn’t. Not because I wouldn’t want you to,” he adds quickly, because he knows you too fucking well for it to be fair. “But ‘cause I’m the sorry one.”

You frown at the air. “Bucky-“

“You don’t have to say yes. I won’t be hurt if you do. But,” he lets out a heavy sigh. “Nat saw me lookin’ at you. And she figured out who you are, and wanted to meet you. I talked her out of bothering you and Jace, but she sorta doesn’t let up once she wants something. And I know you’re not a huge party person, but I’m having one tonight. Bunch of old friends, all in town for once. At my place cause it’s the biggest. If you wanna come, you’re welcome.” 

Fuck.

This isn’t going to help you stop looking back, but he was looking at you. And his friends want to meet you. And God, he won’t just let you get over him, even when he’s barely doing anything at all.

“Do you… Want me to?” You whisper, and she chuckles.

“Doll, you know I want you here all the time. But my friends are a lot-“

“Okay.” Fuck. “I’ll do it.”

Bucky lets out a long sigh of relief. You can hear the smile in his voice. “Great. I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

You look at the computer. The tickets were supposed to be for tomorrow. 

“See you then, Bucky. Do I need to bring anything-“

“Nope. You’re all I need.”

———

You’ve heard a lot about Bucky’s friends. A lot. You know they all grew up together, playing sports and in clubs and going to dances. That almost everyone but Bucky left the city for college—even Steve, heading abroad because he wanted to meet as many people as possible, know everything about the world and do that semester abroad housebuilding that turned him into a tank of a man—but they’ve all kept in close touch. You know all their names. You’ve met a few of them in passing—Steve fully once, when he’d been visiting home for thanksgiving and Bucky had invited you along—but never all of them at once. 

It’s intimidating, to shift on your feet at his door and wait for someone to answer. To pray it’s Bucky, so they don’t ask who the random girl is. 

You have a key to his place. You could just walk in. 

You wait anyway. 

Bucky pulls open the door with a wide grin, then groans your name.

“I told you not to bring anything-“

“It’s just a drink!” You protest, holding it to your chest like a stuffed animal. “Just take it, Bucky-“

“Of course I’m gonna take it.” He reaches out, and your fingers brush as you pass him the bottle. “But I’m payin’ you back for it.”

You sigh. “Bucky-“

He says your name in a teasing tone, grabbing your hand with a wide, carefree grin. 

“Stop standin’ outside like you don’t belong in here. Everyone’s been waiting to meet you.”

You flush, as he pulls you inside. And you’re sure he must be exaggerating, because you can see the slight hint of red on his cheeks that means he’s been drinking. Bucky tends to be dramatic, when he drinks. To lose every filter, and just laugh and say what he thinks. Once he told you he’d be able to pick up a car, and you got to watch him grunt and squat on the curb for twenty minutes, before flopping on the pavement and groaning that they made them heavier.

Nobody’s been waiting for you. You’re barely ever waiting for you. 

Bucky waits for you. He pauses, when you hang up your jacket, still grinning at you in the low light of the hall. 

“What?” You ask, and he shrugs, his hand lingering on your hip. 

The touch is possessive. Like he’s touching you just to touch you.

He doesn’t seem to know he’s doing it.

“You look good.” He hums, taking a large step closer. “You smell good.”

It’s a lot of work, to look him in the eyes when he’s this close. You might drown in them.

“You’re drunk.” You whisper, and his grin just widens.

“Only on you, babydoll.” 

Your eyes widen, mouth falling open, and someone calls Bucky’s name from his living room.

“C’mon,” he moves you right in front of him, your back pressed to his chest, and you lean back to keep gaping at him. “The people are waitin’ for their princess.”

It’s hard to think of anything to say to that. It’s hard to think of anything to say all night. 

Because Bucky stays this close, and his proximity is a drug. 

It doesn’t help that he wasn’t lying. 

Everyone, for some fucking reason, knows exactly who you are. Says your name like they’re greeting an old friend, shakes your hand as if they’re being introduced to the president. And the whole time Bucky just stands right behind you. Laughs and holds your hip and drinks. 

His friends know all about you. Tony asks about your job. Wanda asks about your mom. Clint hands you your favorite snack when he corners you and Bucky, as if it’s something he’d been hoping to do all night. 

Steve gives you a kind smile, and that, at least, is what you expected. 

Sam keeps looking at you as if he’s seen a unicorn. 

“So, this is her, huh?” Sam—with the exact same smirk and annoyingly knowing expression Bucky described him as having—drawls your name. “I was startin’ to think she was made up, Buck. But look at her.” He raises his glass with a grin. “Real!”

Bucky rolls his eyes, but still chuckles. “Y’know, I showed you pictures. And Stevie isn’t that good at photoshop.”

“I alright at photoshop.” Steve frowns. “I made that poster, to help with your campaign.”

“Yeah, and he didn’t use it.” Sam scoffs, giving you a look of amusement. “Did you see that one, kid?”

You swallow. You can be a part of this conversation. 

It’s better than just standing, half in Bucky’s arms, trying to work out why everyone knows so much. 

“Was it the one with the raccoon? And bold letters?”

Sam beams. “You have seen it! Trust the Barnes to keep out animals under control!”

He bursts out laughing as Bucky snorts, and Steve sighs. 

You give him a small smile. “I liked it. I told him to use it, actually.”

Steve shakes his head. “No, it’s alright. I know it wasn’t my best.”

“Yeah, but she thought it was.” Bucky squeezes your hip lightly, and your hand flies to his forearm. “She thought you were a damn genius for that one. When my team shot it down, she took a poster and hung it on her fridge.”

“Really?” Steve grins at you. “Did you like the other one?”

You nod. “The one of Bucky as a ten-year-old, wearing the superhero costume?”

“He’ll protect our streets.” Sam snickers. “I’m tellin’ you, Buck, I only think you won ‘cause you didn’t use that one. Everyone wanted sexy, rugged James as their rep, not cute-kid Bucky.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Stop sayin’ I only won ‘cause I’m hot, Sam-“

“Why? That’s why I voted for you.”

“Yeah, whatever.” He takes another drink, still grinning. “And we did use the superhero one, Wilson.”

“I know, I just try to pretend you didn’t.” Sam sighs, looking at you again. “You got that one on your fridge?”

You flush. You haven’t let go of Bucky’s arm. 

He hasn’t tried to move it. 

“No.” You smile softly. “But his Mom showed me another photo of that costume, and I made a shirt out of it. I wore it to his swearing-in ceremony.”

Bucky groans, but Sam and Steve burst out laughing. 

They like you. 

Bucky’s friends like you, and they’re treating you like you’re actually someone worth knowing. Like you’re not just Bucky’s college friend. 

Even Bucky sort of isn’t treating you like he’s just your college friend. 

He always gets touchy when he’s drunk, as well. But his arm goes around your shoulder, and his lips only brush your neck when he slumps over you. 

Usually. 

Tonight, his hands are almost everywhere. His mouth doesn’t brush you at all, but it’s because he’s standing so tall behind you. So close. His metal arm is wrapped around your stomach, after a few more drinks. You can feel every bit of muscle, every rise and fall of his chest. Almost his heartbeat, if you turn your head just right. 

It’s too much. You feel like you’re being teased, like he’s pulling you apart just for fun when you’re about to lose your fucking mind. 

You need air. You to need not get lost in him, because he’s just drunk, and this means everything to you, but he’ll forget in the morning. 

When you twist out of his hold to go to the bathroom, he lets you. But his arm reaches out, holding your hand until you’re all the way out of reach. 

You need to learn not to look back. 

It’s not going that well. 

The bathroom is a small reprieve. You breathe, and fix your hair, and glare at yourself in the mirror. It’s just nothing. You’re his friend, and he’s introducing you to everyone, which is why he hasn’t left your side all night despite seeing you almost every day. He’s drunk, which is why he’s so touchy. He’s not thinking about this—about what he’s doing to you—so you shouldn’t think about it either.

You have Jake. And a date with him tomorrow, and he’s actually kissing you and going out with you, instead of just being weird.

Think about Jake.

You barely make it a foot out of the bathroom, before someone is saying your name, and it’s impossible to think about Jake. 

The redhead from the bar—Nat, Bucky called her—is grinning at you from the shadows. 

“Wow, you’re even more out of his league up close.”

You blink. “What?”

“Nothing.” Her voice is smooth, like honey. 

Bucky said they’ve never slept together. You have no right to care if they do. 

But she’s looking at you like she’s sizing you up. Like you’re her prey, and she’s debating whether it’s even worth eating you at all. 

“I’m Natasha.” She hums, and you swallow.

“I know. Bucky, um- He told me.”

She nods. You’re not sure she ever blinks. “How was the rest of your date?” 

“It was okay. How were your drinks?”

Her lips twitch. “Good. The guy you were with. Cute. Jacob?”

“Just Jake.” You mumble. “And, yeah. He’s sweet.”

She nods again. “Do you love him?” 

“I- I don’t-“ Because you can never fucking help it, your eyes flick to the end of the hall. To where Bucky is waiting, somewhere back in the crowd. “I don’t know, we’ve only been together for like, a month-“

“Oh.” Natasha nods, and she looks like she’s solving a puzzle you can’t even see. “That makes sense.”

“It does?” 

“Yep.” She smiles at you. “That’s when Bucky started acting like a kicked puppy.” She laughs to herself, and before you can even process that, she keeps talking. “You know, I was there. When he woke up after the incident. It was me and Steve, the two people he’s known the longest. And you know who he asked for first?”

You shake your head, and her eyes glitter. 

“No, you do.” She touches your arm gently, starting to walk past you, back into the hall. “Think about it.”

Then, she’s gone. 

You almost glide through the party. Back to Bucky’s side. 

You’re not supposed to think about it.

You can’t stop thinking about it. 

None of this was a good idea, because you can’t stop thinking about it. Not when Bucky’s whole face seems to light up at the sight of you, and he pulls you right back into his side. Not through the whole night, as he almost shows you off to his friends. Talks you up while holding you like you’ve seen him hold kittens and expensive, first-edition Lord of the Rings books. 

When you see Nat again—Bucky introducing you with a proud grin and long speech about how good you are at your job—she just smiles at you, and engages in a normal, non-cryptic conversation. 

Like she knows she’s done her job. Done it too well. 

The crowd eventually thins, until it’s only you and Bucky left, and you’re never going to be able to think about anything else again. 

Bucky pulls you out onto his fire escape, and pouts when you take the drink out of his hands.

“I don’t want you trying to fly, Buck.” You murmur, dropping in on the windowsill, and he grins.

“You care about me.”

“Of course I care about you. Bucky-“ You squeak as he pulls you into a tight, almost suffocating hug. “Bucky, what’s wrong-“

“Nothin’.” He mutters, pressing his face to the top of your head. “You smell nice. Glad you came.”

“Of course I came. You asked me to.”

“Yeah, but I was thinkin’ you’d be busy. With Jake.”

You laugh slightly, but it’s more out of confusion than anything else. You don’t understand why he’s saying Jake like that. As if it’s a curse. 

“Or work.” Bucky’s still muttering to himself, and he pulls back suddenly. “How’s your boss. Is he still givin’ you shit? Cause I can bring a bill to the floor that no one should be mean to you. Ever.”

“I- I don’t think that would make it to the floor, Bucky.” 

“It could. I’d make it.” He leans back down, pressing his face into your neck. “I’d just have to show them how pretty you are, and they’d all be goin’ that’s a good idea, Barnes. No one should be mean to her.”

“Okay. C’mon.” You slowly guide him down, until you’re sitting on the stairs. “Bucky, how much did you drink?”

“Normal amount.” He shrugs, leaning back from your neck, but not fully. 

Your noses are still bumping. 

His breath is warm on your face, and his hand is pressed on your thigh. Not trying to start anything, but lighting you on fire. 

Just seeming to hold you, for the sake of holding you. 

“You’re so beautiful.” Bucky murmurs, and you swallow. 

“Bucky…” 

“I know.” He sighs, dropping his brow against yours. “Too late. ‘M too late.”

“I-“

“But you are beautiful.” He reaches up, lightly tracing your cheeks, and your mouth falls open. “I think you could end every war. If they saw you smile. So,” he yawns, arms falling around you as his eyes flutter. “Remember that.”

Bucky passes out in your arms, half folded over your lap and holding you tight. 

And you’re never going to be able to forget it. 

You just sit here, for a while. Run your fingers through Bucky’s hair. Listen to the horns on the streets below, watch the flashing lights of the city.

Think about it, Natasha seems to whisper in your ear. Do you love him. 

You don’t love Jake. That’s never even really been on the table. 

But this man, in front of you, looking at you like you’re all the stars in the sky, yet still just the brightest one that guides him home, is so easy to love. He’s all you’ve ever wanted. 

This, right here, is all you’ve ever fucking wanted. 

And it’s still not even yours. 

———

You break it off with Jake quietly. 

A nice dinner. You pay, because there’s a worm of guilt, eating at your gut for how you treated him. He’s a nice guy, really, but he’s not Bucky. And that’s not his fault. 

No one can be. 

“It’s because of Barnes, isn’t it.” He says as you wait for his cab outside, and you freeze. 

“I, um- I don’t-“

“It’s okay.” He gives you a small smile. “I mean, that’s why I was so shocked he even asked. I remember him showing us all your photos, during our tour. I thought that with everything, he’d go back and marry you or something.” Jake chuckles. “Then he’s asking me if I want to take you out, and I thought he was going to give himself a fucking stroke. I counted myself lucky just to have the chance.”

You swallow, your voice soft. “The chance?”

Jake nods, eyes fixed on yours. “To take what Barnes is too much of a pussy to grab, when it’s right damn in front of him.”

“Bucky’s not-“

“Yeah, he is. But it’s alright.” Jake shrugs, hands in his pocket. “You sorta are, too.”

He leaves you gaping on the road, and you’re not even sure if he was trying to hurt you. He didn’t say that like he was. He said it—just like everything else—sweetly. 

But it still stings. 

Mostly because he’s right. 

You’re a coward. 

You never told him you were in love with him. Not in college. Not when he got shipped out. Not when he came back, or when he struggled to readjust, or when he ran for office and won. You’re always just there, and you can never bring yourself to leave. 

But you can’t bring yourself to change, either. 

You don’t tell Bucky you broke up with Jake. You don’t ask him what he meant on the balcony. You don’t do anything but think about it, and keep going to lunch like nothing happened at all. His secretary glares at you, and you smile. You give Bucky the same sandwich as always, sit in the same chair, and bask in his attention. 

“Hey, uh-“ Bucky clears his throat, frowning at his sandwich. “How’s it goin’? With Jake.”

You laugh softly, and Bucky gives you a confused look. 

“That… Uh- Good?”

“No. It’s just funny you only remember his name after we’ve broken up.”

He freezes, and a little bit of lettuce falls out of his mouth. “You broke up? Did- He didn’t fuckin’-“

“I broke up with him.” You give Bucky a small smile. “Down, boy.”

“Yeah, alright.” He slumps in his chair, still watching you carefully. “Was he not treatin’ you right?”

“No, he was fine. I just, um-“ I’m in love with you, and that made it impossible. “I wasn’t ready, yet.”

You’re not sure you ever will be. 

Jake was right. You’re a fucking coward. 

And Bucky is just sitting there. Frowning at you, silent and watchful. You raise your brows at him in a silent challenge, and he sets down his sandwich with a sigh. 

“You’re just not a big relationship person, huh.” He wipes his chin with his sleeve, and you frown. 

“No, I just- No. And, James-“ You reach up, pulling his arm away. “Don’t do that, it’s a nice shirt.”

“Sorry, sweetheart.” He drops his arm, still watching you. “And it’s okay if you aren’t. Was just wondering, ‘cause, well.” His brow draws slightly. “I mean, I’ve known you forever, and you only ever do the one-night thing.”

“I…” You blink at him, his words slow to sink in, and sudden to hit. “I what?”

“Nothin’ wrong with that either!” Bucky sits up, voice slightly panicked. “Men do it all the time-“

“You do it, Bucky-“

He snorts. “Sweetheart, I haven’t done it since college. That’s just- Not what I’m lookin’ for.”

The world is spinning too fast. 

You don’t have time to stop the words from falling out of your mouth.

“What are you looking for?”

Bucky makes a low sound of amusement. “Something serious.” 

“Oh.” You look down to your fingers. It’s too hard to look him in the eyes. “That’s- I didn’t know that.”

“You never asked.”

He says it so simply. Like it’s something you should have known about, when he never shared it. When he’s the one who said about you-

“I haven’t done it ever, Bucky.” You mumble, picking at your nails, and he grunts. 

“Well, you tried with Jake-“

“No.” You shake your head, still looking down. “I haven’t done one-nights. I- I haven’t done anything.”

Bucky’s silent. And it’s not a big deal. Just another conversation between best friends. Some honestly, that you’re used to sharing so freely with him. Nothing at all. 

But his voice is hoarse, when he speaks. And you don’t have to look up to know how he’s watching you. 

With pure, hot, undivided attention. 

“Anything?” He echoes. “Like… One-nights?”

“Or two nights.” You mumble. “Or- Afternoons. Or anything.”

Bucky coughs. “What about, uh- Parties-“

“Nothing, Bucky. I’ve never-“

“Anything.” He finishes, and you nod. 

It starts to spill out, before you can stop it. 

“I just- I was trying to find someone. That’s why I asked. I wanted to get it over with, get someone to take care of it, and I trusted you.”

“You trusted me.” Bucky rasps, and your nails dig into your palms.

“Yeah. I did. I knew you’d give me someone, um- Good.”

“Someone good.” He echoes. “Cause you’ve never had anyone. And you trusted me.”

You nod, and Bucky continues.

“To find you someone to sleep with? Or date and sleep with.”

“Both.” You flush. “I, um- I wanted it to mean something, I think.”

Another moment of silence. “And you trusted me.”

“I trust you, Bucky, I don’t know why that’s something you’re- It’s not that big a deal-“

“No, it’s not. Plenty of people are virgins, doll-“

“Don’t- Bucky, you don’t have to-“

“I’m tryin’ to understand why you didn’t just ask me.”

Your heart stumbles. Flips inside out, then back again. Your gaze shoots up, because you have to see if he’s joking, but he’s not. You’ve never seen Bucky look more serious in his life.

“What?” You whisper, and his throat bobs. 

“Just date me,” he says your name softly. “I’ve been in love with you forever, I’ve fuckin’ hated having to set you up and just- Not care, but- Just date me. You trust me, and if you’re just looking for someone to take care of it I can, but- Me.” He leans forward, and you’re not sure you’re breathing. “Date me. We can’t forget this forever if you don’t wanna, but- I want to. Please.” He says your name, voice low and rough. “I want to, so bad. Just be with me.”

For once, you can’t think. You can only look at Bucky, and try to work out if this is real. 

It must be. You can feel the heat. The electricity. Smell Bucky’s cologne.  

It’s real. 

“When?” Your question is only a breath, and he lets out a humorless laugh. 

“First time I saw you.”

“Same.”

Bucky blinks, then his eyes widen. “Are you-“

“Are you?”

“Yeah, I- Of course I am-“

“Then yes.”

His face splits into a wide grin. “Yes?”

You nod slowly, and say the only thing you ever could. “Yes.”

———

“Relax.” He mutters, and your fingers dig into his scalp. 

You can’t relax. You’ve spent too many nights dreaming of this, too many lovely dates and days of flowers waiting for it, too much time planning it out to the last detail, and-

Bucky kisses a soft spot on your neck, his tongue flicking over sensitive skin. You pull on his hair with a soft gasp, and he groans. 

“Relax, babydoll-“

“Can’t.” You gasp, back arching off the bed. 

His hand has found a comfortable home, right between your legs. His metal palm is resting right over you cunt, rubbing back and forth until you’re soaked through your panties. Your head is spinning. Bucky’s bare-chested and powerful above you, and he promised tonight, so there’s not fucking way you’re going to be able to relax. 

Because he made you wait. 

Bucky kissed you stupid in his office—made a whole show out of it, when he walked you out—and spent three weeks taking you out and promising soon. 

That if you wanted it to mean something, he couldn’t rush it. 

Only the best, for my girl.

You’ve pouted at him. Whined that as long as it’s Bucky, touching you and pulling you apart, that’s it. All you want. 

But he held onto his romantic night idea. Kissed your cheek and lips and neck, did everything but what you’d been waiting so fucking long for. 

And now you’re lying on his bed. And his hand is between your legs. 

He can tell you to relax all he fucking wants, there’s no way you’re going to be able to- 

Bucky murmurs your name in your ear, voice low and commanding. “I’m tellin’ you, relax.”

You twist to glare at him. “I’m telling you, James, I-“

He shoves your panties aside, thumb circling around your clit and one broad finger sliding into your cunt. 

Your mouth falls open in a shameless moan, and he captures the sound in a sloppy kiss. 

“So wet.” He mutters against your lips, and you spread your legs wider with a whine. “And needy. Sweet girl, you got somethin’ you want?”

“Yes.” You roll your hips, trying to fuck yourself on his finger. “You, Bucky, want- Want you-“

“You got me.” Another, softer kiss. “Always got me, doll.”

He starts to pump his finger in and out, at a slow torturous pace. His thumb still doesn’t fully hit your clit, but he moves slightly back on his knees. Attaches his mouth to one of your nipples, sucking and flicking his tongue as a second finger slides in. Your breathing starts to come shorter and shorter, and you’re shamelessly grinding onto his hand. 

The softer one—the one that had been tracing your lips, then holding your waist—slides over your abdomen and pins you down. Bucky sits fully back on his knees, giving you a stern look. 

“You gotta re-“

“Don’t-“ You whine, writhing in the sheets as his finger stills inside of you. “Don’t tell me to relax, Bucky- I- I need it, you know I need it, please-“

You’re on the brink of tears, but you’re on fire. Every nerve is lit up, you’re already molten putty for him to play with, you need him. He knows you need him. 

And there’s love in his eyes. Real, deep love that you’re falling into like crashing through the stars. It’s shining, as you pout up at him and try to squirm below him. 

So much love. 

Not an ounce of sympathy. 

“Hold still.” He warns softly, thumb resuming it’s slow circles, and you flutter around his fingers. “Baby, we talked about this, I can do it how you want, or-“

“How I want.” You force yourself to stop moving, but god, it’s hard. 

But so is Bucky. You can see the outline of him, pressing through his sweats. Making your mouth water, and pussy clench again. 

Bucky raises his brows, and you flush.

“That- that one was a mistake-“

“Hm.” He just keeps looking at you. Like you’re something beautiful. 

Some artwork, that he’s entirely ready to ruin.

But still, his voice becomes a little softer. “Sweetheart, if you’re not ready-“

“I’m ready.” You wrap your arms around your stomach, giving him a pleading look. “Please. I’m ready, I- I want all of it. You.”

He hums. “And I told you-“

“I know. I still want it-“

“Yeah, you want it.” He sighs, thumb finally pressing right over your clit. A high, strangled whimper leaves your throat, but you somehow manage to keep still. 

“Bucky-“

“You want it hard.” He drawls, tracing the hand on your stomach up your sides. You shiver, and he smirks. “But you’re so sensitive, babydoll.”

“But, that-“ You flush, gaping up at him a little uselessly. “That’s good, right?”

He chuckles. “For me. But sweet girl, you’re walkin’ a big walk,” he leans down, letting his lips brush over yours. “For someone who can’t even take my fingers in her pretty little pussy.”

You gasp, and he presses the thumb on your clit a little harder.

“Yeah, you like that, don’t you?” His eyes are dark on yours, voice low. “You don’t want me to fuck you like you get all pretty when I say I’m going to fuck you. That I’m so hard for you it’s hurtin’?”

“Oh- Oh my god.” Your hands shoot up to grab his shoulders, and his fingers start to pump again. 

“There she is.” He trails soft kisses on your neck, even as his fingers hit a pace that’s like a drill. “Yeah, keep singin’, doll. It feel good?”

You nod, back arching off the mattress. “So- So good, Bucky, yes-“

“You think you can take my cock?” He hums and you squeak. 

It’s one thing to dream about it. One thing to imagine it, over and over. 

Another to feel it. Hear him. Have his metal fingers moving inside you, hitting a deep spot while his thumb plays with your clit. 

It’s a new kind of high. A vulnerable, nervous, embarrassing high. 

And Bucky isn’t having it. He leans up, fingers never breaking pace, and grabs your gaze. Forces your hooded, glazed eyes onto his sharp, darkened ones. 

“Answer me, pretty girl.” 

You make an incoherent sound, and he picks up his pace. 

“With words.”

“I- I can-“ Your words fall into a moan, as he starts to rub inside of you. “I can take it-“

“Good girl.” Bucky pulls out his fingers, and laughs softly when you whine at the loss. “Babydoll, if you’re coming, it’s on my cock.”

Oh. 

 You can live with that. 

Bucky rises back up on his knees. Pulls himself out of his sweats slowly, his eyes never leaving yours. And he’s big. Bigger than you thought, even with the size of his bulge in the jeans. You swallow, wrapping your arms around your body, but he just laughs softly.  

“No.” He strokes himself slowly, moving your arms to be pinned over your head. “Keep lookin’ at me, sweet girl. Wanna watch you feel it.”

You nod weakly, and you couldn’t look away if you tried. He’s got you exactly where he wants you. 

Exactly where you want to be. 

Bucky slides his cock between the soaked lips of your pussy, the head of him bumping your clit. You make soft sounds with every wet sound and touch, but he doesn’t hurry up. Just watches you with that darkened affection, cooing your name when you start to whimper. 

“Even that feelin’ like too much, doll?”

“I- I just- Oh.” You moan as he slaps his cock against you, a pleasurable little shudder racking your body. “Bucky-“

“That’s my name.” He murmurs, watching himself rub against you. “Save it for when I’m fuckin’ you, pretty baby.”

He has to stop the pet names, the teasing, the low, taunting voice. It’s making you fucking dizzy, which isn’t fucking fair. You’re already wound so tight. Every already feels so good it’s like you’re about to fly out of your body.  

“Can- Can you please just-“ You take a ragged breath as he bumps over your entrance. “I need it, I need it, Bucky, I can’t take it-“

“Shh.” He leans down, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips, and you might have been about to cry. “Can you relax for me, my sweet girl?”

You nod, and it’s not like you have much of a choice. Not when Bucky keeps kissing you so gently, and you go limp as he notches himself against your cunt.

“Breathe.” He mutters, and you obey blindly. 

It was a good order. 

All the air is knocked from your lungs as Bucky slides home. 

You can feel him everywhere. The hardness, the perfect stretch that makes those tears start to fall, the pure fucking glory of Bucky Barnes, bottoming out so deep inside of you he might be in your throat. You make a strangled plea of his name, and he kisses you all over your face, still inside of you. 

“It’s okay, doll, takes some time.” He kisses the corner of your mouth with a smile, and you wrap your arms around his neck. 

You hadn’t even realized he let your wrists go. You just want to be closer. 

And slowly, the pain of the intrusion starts to morph. Turns into white-hot pleasure, from the sensation of fullness. From the hunger for more. 

“Bucky.” You mumble in his ear, wiggling slightly below him. “Move, please.”

He rises up, attention still soft. “Yeah?”

You nod, and he lets out a heavy breath. Leans down to kiss you so lovingly, you almost forget that he’s buried deep in your pussy. 

Almost. 

Then he starts to move. 

Bucky starts slow. Holding you like glass, pulling out then slowly driving back in. Making you feel all of it. The drag of his cock, the heat of his lips all over your skin, the press of his balls against your ass. His hands wander shamelessly, seemingly focused on feeling as much of you as possible. 

“Feel so good, sweet girl.” He drawls as he palms your breasts, kneads your hips, rubs at your waist. “So fuckin’ tight and warm, dripping on my cock. So good.”

It’s all making you lightheaded, and building the heat in your core, but it’s so gentle. You can feel the tension in his shoulders, as he holds himself back. 

“Oh, fuck.” He mutters, squeezing your ass as he angles it a little up. Hits a little deeper.

You squeak, nails digging into his shoulders, and Bucky chuckles. 

“Yeah, that’s it, babydoll. Takin’ this cock so well.” He kisses you, deep and heavy. “So fuckin’ pretty. My best girl.”

The praise goes right to your head and cunt. 

Suddenly, it’s not enough. 

“Bucky.” You mumble, tugging at his hair for attention. 

He draws up quickly, concern all over his face. “What, what’s wrong-“

“Not enough.” You grab his hand, holding it to his chest and grinding into his cock. “More. Please.”

It takes him a second to get it. 

You can see the exact moment he does. 

“Goddamnit.” He rasps, hips jerking slightly. “You- Sweetheart, I don’t wanna-“

“Please.” You repeat, giving him your best, poutiest look. “Harder, Bucky. I- I need it.”

He blinks at you slowly, then nods. 

He’s the one who said whatever you want. And this is what you fucking want. 

There’s one more, soft kiss. A reminder, that this is still something sacred. Then Bucky draws up, one hand lightly resting on your waist, and draws almost fully out. 

You don’t get to even register what’s happening before he’s slamming back in, and the loudest moan you’ve ever heard falls from your lips. 

Bucky’s eyes flash, and he repeats the motion. You look up at him in a cockdrunk gaze, and for once, you’re not thinking about anything. 

It feels too good to think. Bucky’s too much to think. 

And he’s looking at you like he’s found heaven. His hand on your waist tight enough to leave a bruise, the other one pinning your hip to the bed. 

“Good?” He rasps out, and you nod.

There are only two words you remember. 

Bucky. 

More. 

And you don’t even have to beg for them, because he gives them to you both at once. 

Bucky leans down, kissing you with teeth and spit and want, then starts to fuck you like a man possessed. 

It’s fucking paradise. He pounds into your cunt until it’s aching and on fire, everything in your body dangling right over the edge of some great fall. He grunts with every thrust, skin slapping against skin and the bed creaking. His kisses start to roam, but remain open-mouthed and starved. 

It’s too much. It’s not enough. You reach up for him, and he grabs your hands and puts them back over your head. You call his name in a broken, heady plea, and he just makes an animalistic noise and fucks you hard. 

“Bucky-“ He hits that deep, sensitive spot inside of you, and you moan. “Bucky-“

He groans your name, and he looks like a god above you. Sculpted chest and massive arms, handsome face slack with his own pleasure, eyes fixed on you with such reverence and disrespect. The black and gold of his arm shines in the dark. Every time he kisses your cervix, you flutter around him, and he makes the most sinful sound you’ve ever heard.

Bucky’s thrusts start to grow a little less measured, and you’re all but a broken, fucked out mess below him. So impossibly sensitive to every touch—even just his thumb, rubbing small circles on your wrist—yet unable to find that release. 

A low, desperate sound rumbles through Bucky’s chest, and he’s rutting into you so fast you’re reduced to nothing but a slack mess below him. He slides in and out without resistance, you can feel your arousal dripping down onto your ass, and you’re so close- 

“Let go, babydoll.” He grunts, spitting onto his free fingers and starting to rub your swollen clit. “C’mon, cum for me-“

You see white, when your orgasm hits, and you scream his name so loud your voice goes hoarse. 

Bucky makes a feral noise of your name, as he keeps fucking you through it. And you’re barely floating down when he pulls out, slaps your clit with his cock, and cums all over your stomach. Sticky and possessive and hot.

So fucking hot.

A soft breath escapes your lips, and Bucky reaches down with a gentle hand. Brushes your hair out of your face, and kisses the tip of your nose. 

“That it?” He murmurs, and you know he’s already thinking about the after. All the cleaning he told you he’d take care of, because he just wanted you to worry about feeling good. 

He’s so fucking perfect, it makes you giggle. 

Bucky frowns. “What’s funny?”

“Nothing.” You hum, pulling him down into a long, safe, certain kiss. “That was it.”

✦End note: I've started something I won't be able to stop. writing down AU ideas as we speak.✦ ✦If you like this story, please reblog, share, or leave a comment! <3✦ ✦Buy me a coffee!☕️✦ ✦Taglist (Fill out this form to be added!)✦