The Armchair Avenger

26. He/him/his. Anthropologist. Urban planner. Summoner of eldritch horrors.

[tolkien-shitposting]

[v171]

One time I was playing the sims and I wanted to make me and mike but I wanted to make us separately and have us meet. But when I moved into my house, I had this sexy ass neighbor. I figured I could have a fling with him and break it off and get with Mike later but then the neighbors kid got attached to me and I couldn’t just end it when I was so close to his daughter. I really cared about him too.

So the only thing I could do was have it end in tragedy. That way I wouldn’t have to break up with the guy and I could adopt his daughter to stay close to her. He passed away peacefully on fire in the kitchen. Now in previous games, when a kid is taken away by CPS, the next kid you adopt is the same kid. Welp that didn’t carry over into sims 4 so the daughter ended up being taken away and erased from the game by the great sims deity.

I’m a sentimental man, so I kept neighbor mans tombstone around. I’d occasionally chat with his ghost, but he seemed cold to me. I can’t help but thinking he was a bit mad his daughter no longer existed. But this escalated once I started seeing Mike. His ethereal visits became more frequent and more hostile, usually breaking my electronics or creating a mess. But he went overboard when he started the fire.

Being a sim the died in a fire, his ghost had certain abilities specific to his death (setting fires). He got pissed because I kissed Mike so he set my couch on fire that ended up barricading us in the bedroom. Now I couldn’t find the fire alarm in buy mode and I hadn’t had the foresight to predict my spiteful ghost died-in-a-fire ex boyfriend would be an afterlife arsonist to care about it that much so a lot of the house had burned by the time I could get the FD there.

After having almost nothing covered by insurance (thanks Obama), Mike sat me down to have a talk with me. While I couldn’t understand him, I imagine he said “What the fuck you need to deal with your crazy ass ex boyfriend ghost. This never would have happened if you weren’t a thirst little sim bitch and dated me first.”

I approached the grave. It was time to release him. He was waiting for me. He knew this was the end. That after this, there was no coming back from the afterlife. I know he tried to kill me, and he knows I got his daughter deleted, but at that moment, it was just like old times. Telling each other jokes 27 times in a row until he would have sex with me.

We had a final ghostly embrace and he was gone. I sold his tombstone for 300 bucks and bought a microwave.

[que-mystery]

I enjoyed this more than the last season of AHS

[breefolk-hates-staff]

“He died peacefully on fire in the kitchen.”

[bosswaldcobblepot]

[theoikos]

Everyone who gets like really into Greek mythology either ends up worshipping the gods, studying classics, gay, or somehow all three at once

[theshitneyspears]

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

How many vampires do you think have been hit by a car backing up in a parking lot because the driver couldn't see their reflection

I’ve never considered it but you’re really shining light on what’s probably a very serious issue

[armchairavenger]

My audition tape to join the Queer Eye guys

Me: Okay, so this is obviously a totes gorge Victorian home, but I’m picking up some really negative vibes here, like you’re having kind of a haunting moment. Cleansing your home of malevolent spirits doesn’t make you a wuss, it’s just self-care and you showing yourself that you deserve to be comfortable in your space.

COME THROUGH SMUDGE STICK

[transgenderpopstar]

tammie brown’s superior acting skills

[fangedfemme]

Credit: artbycheyne on insta.

[nocontextgoodplace]

[trixies-clinical-depression-dea]

Oh wow

[metahemeral]

[armchairavenger]

"Moving Parts" Question

Okay fam, what does it mean when Trixie says "Just remember two words that the two birds never said."?

Are there two specific words? A concrete message?

[lesbianelizabethfrankenstein]

hades: i just ended a five year relationship

hermes: are you okay?

hades: it’s okay it wasn’t my relationship

[blankingmyart-deactivated201911]

Photo by Lucas Blair

[themaninthegreenshirt]

Ella Fitzgerald and Marilyn Monroe at Tiffany Club 1954

“I owe Marilyn Monroe a real debt … she personally called the owner of the Mocambo, and told him she wanted me booked immediately, and if he would do it, she would take a front table every night. She told him – and it was true, due to Marilyn’s superstar status – that the press would go wild. The owner said yes, and Marilyn was there, front table, every night. The press went overboard. After that, I never had to play a small jazz club again. She was an unusual woman – a little ahead of her times. And she didn’t know it.“ Ella Fitzgerald  

[pvssyisgod-deactivated20241028]